Hooray! After "losing the home field advantage," the Kings
promptly gained it right back tonight to go up 2-1 against the Mavericks.
About TIME we saw them score 125 points, eh? Game Four is Saturday!
TV-PG-DLV - Attitude - Entertainment - WW!
Get the woman away from the hedges! She wants to get the F out!
Opening Credits are still Beautiful, People
GET THE PYRO OUT - once again it's on from the Arena at Harboryard in Bridgeport, CT - SAP transmitido en espanol - SMACKDOWN! - is it just me or did the UPN logo get bigger? Coming to you 9.5.2 (taped 7.5) and let's waste no time...
STACY KEIBLER walks out so we can hear that Kid Rock song - tonight: Ivory, Hollywood Hulk Hogan, Triple H, Kurt Angle, Edge, Mr. McMahon and much much more. Gee, I wonder who of those names we see first. "And now, let's give a warm welcome to the owner of SmackDown! and my boss, VINCE McMAHON." Hell, *you* could have told *me* that. McMahon walks to ringside like a man who's had TWO penises castrated from his double W. "Thank you very much, Stacy, thank you for that warm introduction - I ah... ["ass hole!"] ...you're using language like that in the presence of a lady. But I was wondering, Stacy, if uh, if maybe both of us, maybe we both need a microphone, so would you mind, like, getting one more?" Stacy dutifully bends between the ropes... "Uh....Stacy, that's all right - on second thought, come back over here. Just stand next to me. See, Stacy is a model employee. Stacy will - will do EVERYTHING that I tell or ask her to do. That's a model employee for you. I wish I could clone her, as a matter of fact - but unfortunately, here on SmackDown!, not everyone is the same caliber - we do have some dissident employees. And the one right at the top of the list would be the jerk who calls himself The Game, Triple H. You see, I told Triple H last week 'do not under any circumstance physically interfere with Chris Jericho's attempt to become Champion in the Hogan match.' Well, Triple H didn't exactly physically interfere, but nonetheless he did interfere. It was a distraction itself when Triple H came walking down the ramp... (bored crowd starts chanting again - edit here) ...had it not been for the distraction, the interference of Triple H, Jericho would tonight be the WWE Champion. (Notice the edit - they cut to Stacy where they must have had to cover up Vince saying "WWF") Oh yeah - Jericho would have definitely defeated Hogan, beyond the shadow of a doubt. Just like Jericho defeated Triple H two weeks ago In This Very Ring. So from now on, we're gonna lay some new rules down for Triple H tonight. I don't want you, Triple H, to come anywhere near me - ten feet is fine - no, no closer than ten feet. In addition to that, Triple H, you will do EXACTLY as I tell you to do. And Triple H, you will do it with a smile, because just as a reminder, Triple H, I own SmackDown! and I damn sure own you, Triple H. And if you don't do exactly as I tell you to do starting tonight, there's going to be hell toupee. You can talk that 'What'--" Well the music and out comes TRIPLE H - I hope Vince will stand back far enough to let H onto the apron to do his whale blowhole pose! Hey, just how long does a divorce TAKE, anyway? "soon to be ex-father/son-in-law" blah blah blah. Vince helpfully backs away from whichever corner H wants to pose in. "Don't come within ten feet of you, huh?" "Triple H" chant. "Well what do you think, Vince - this seems like about ten feet - so was it ten feet...or was it nine feet? Or was it eight feet? Or seven? Six? What was it, Vince - how close to I have to get before you *destroy* me? Are you gonna destroy me, Vince, or is everything that comes out of your mouth complete bull(shit)? Now quite frankly, I think it's a lie. Stacy knows it's a lie - just like when you tell Stacy things like an old man like yourself can satisfy a 20-year-old woman. I mean, look at her, Vince. Look how she's lookin' at me. You think that Stacy wouldn't want a...young stud...who would...pay close attention to every...detail of her young body? And who can keep her satisfied - all - night - long?" YES STACY BITES HER POINTER WOOOWHEEE! "Or would she want a wrinkled up old (bastard) with bad breath and a bad toupee? Come on, Vince - Stacy knows it's a lie - it's a lie when you tell Stacy things like...geez...I don't know what happened, this happens to a lotta guys! Or you know, when you're standing there au naturale, and you go 'God, Stacy, it's just that it's really cold in here!' Yeah, Vince - it's all one big lie, isn't it? But I'll tell you what isn't a lie. It's the fact that Anna Nicole Smith over here is just waiting for the billionaire to kick the bucket so she can collect the cash - and I'll tell ya what - you get in my face any more, and I'm gonna speed up the process." "This ring is no place for you, Stacy - not with what's gonna happen right now. You think I'm gonna listen to your insults, pal? Eh? You think I'm an old man? You think I won't slap you in the face? You think I won't beat the living hell out of you?" The jacket is off! H removes his shirt - and Vince leaves. Here comes THE NARCISSIteST, KOOL MOE DEE, LANCE STORM, CHRISTIAN and BROTHA D-VON. "Well what's this? Whoa whoa what's this?" They attack Triple H black ninja styule - see ya, Storm - 'bye, Holly - so long, Christian - nice to see ya, D-Von - take it easy, D-Von - FINALLY they attack in numbers and somehow five "superstars" manage to handle one Triple H. Crowd chants "Hogan" but that ain't happening. Remember when they used to chant "Rock E?" It wasn't that long ago. CHRIS THURSDAY JERICHO is out with a smile on his face. Vince is still talking. "Look at ya now - and look who's coming?" Holly gives H a powerslam. "How do you like that? Huh?" Test with the Meltdown. "Oh yeah - ohhhhhh - ohhh that was great." Jericho was in with a chair...and takes a seat as H is held up - Jericho slaps him one - of course, H gets a lunge in before the five take over one more time - Jericho cracks H with the chair after Holly holds him up for him. "Ohho yeah - it's time to play The Game. Time to play The Game!" Jericho with rights to the fresh cut on H's forehead. Crowd chants "Hogan" again - no no, silly. Jericho asks them to stand back while he puts H in the Walls of Jericho - then settles for a Boston Crab since H is fighting it off too much. Vince slides in the ring to meet him face-to-face. "Ohhh yeah - yeah - oh yeah! You son of a (bitch)! The pain you're in - yeah - you're gonna go to hell - no doubt about that - it's Judgment Day - at Judgment Day, it's you and Jericho in a match, and that match is called HELL IN THE CELL." Vince's music plays as everybody walks off - except Jericho, who is gonna hold that Boston Crab as long as H lets him. H ACTUALLY TAPPED! Nobody notices, but at least you and I did. Let's take an ad break!
Catch the WWhatever LIVE! Monday's RAW in Toronto is SOLD OUT, a week from tomorrow, Louisville; a week from Saturday, Raleigh; Judgment Day in Nashville; and next night's RAW in Memphis!
MOMENTS AGO! Two paragraphs ago!
WWE CRUISERWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP: TAJIRI
(champion - Tokyo, Japan - 206
pounds - with Torrie Wilson) v. THE HURRICANE (challenger - Parts Unknown -
To the Room of Eun! "Was that the perfect setup on Triple H or what?" "Vince, that was *genius*. It was genius. Did you see me pounding his head? Did you see me pound his forehead into ground beef? Look at his blood - his blood on my hands. His blood is on my hands - but you know what, that was just a taste of what he's going to get at Judgment Day. Because I almost ended The Shame's career one year ago - but in the Hell in the Cell at Judgment Day, I'm gonna end his career for good, Vince. That's it for Triple H." "Oh yeah. You know what? Maybe we can send that career on a downward spiral here tonight - what if - what if I forced Triple H to compete in a match tonight? Yeah...but ah, against....hmmm...who would it be?" "OH TESTIFY!" "Our prayers are answered!" "OH MY BROTHER, OH TESTIFY! Brother Vince, the great prophet! Oh, a great prophet, a great salvation of a man." "So then tonight, we have Reverend D-Von one on one with Triple H." "Oh yes." "And if Triple H refuses the match, then that grounds for termination." "Oh yes, 'cause you see the man upstairs says redemption is OH SO sweet." "Is he here?" "Brother Vince, ha ha, he's ALWAYS here - OH TESTIFY!" Vince: "TESTIFY!" Stacy: "TESTIFI-YI-YI! (it's my only line!)" Jericho: "Testifeeeeeeeya - tonight!"
Lita shills Stacker 2
Rob van Dam shills Slurpees - with plenty of "WWF" mentions
Al Snow and Hurricane chat about Spider-Man. Lise may kill me, but I ain't transcribing this. The alleged punchline is "boy, and people thought it was weird when I talked to a head!" During this bit, Hurricane receives a rhyming note. "Congratulations / Now you're a star / Unfortunately for you / I know who you are." Hurricane thinks "...it could be that jealous Peter Parker...or it could be..." and he dashes off. Didn't Roger Hayden book this?
TEST (Toronto, Ontario - 282 pounds -
with Let Us Take You Back To A Month
Ago, 3 Weeks Ago, and 2 Weeks Ago) v. MARK HENRY (Silsbee, Texas - 353
Judgment Day - Austin vs. Flair & Show is hyped (with no NWO mention) - the fact that we get a Chris Leary voiceover here makes me speculate that they just slapped this together - well, that...and the clips from Monday
We come back to a smiling Angle modeling his new T-shirt. Christian interrupts his daydreaming. "Kurt, did you see that - did you see it, man? I just kicked Triple H's ass!" "Well actually, what I saw was Chris puttin' him in the Walls of Jericho." "Well *technically* he did but - but I softened him up first, I was on top of him punchin' him in the head and he said 'Christian, stop hurtin' that hurts ow ow!' Anyway, I just wanted to say brilliant move - BRILLIANT challenging Edge to a hair vs. hair match at Judgment Day. Take it from me, even as a kid he had a fear of being ugly and now with a bald head, he's gonna be just that, ugly!" "Hey if you think about it, NOW, between the two of you HE'S gonna be the ugly one!" "I know - hey, man. Listen, never mind. I can't wait for Judgment Day, I can't wait. I wanna see him ugly and bald now - now - NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW." "Whoa whoa whoa - Christian, don't worry - I'm not gonna wait 'til the pay-per-view to prove how ugly Edge is gonna look bald - I'm gonna do it tonight. Just watch." "He's the ugly one."
MARC LLLLOYD interviews Billy & Chuck & Rico - Let Us Take You Back 2 Weeks where everybody got pantsed - and Last Week when Rico got the stinkface. "Now, tonight--" "Whoa! Stop right there. Who the hell do you think you are? I guess you think it's funny that you pulled up every embarrassing piece of footage you could find on us. I guess you think it's funny that we had our pants pulled all the way down an arena full of people - I guess so 'cause you have that smile on your face, right? WIPE IT OFF BEFORE I WIPE THAT SMILE OFF YOUR FACE FOR YA PERMANENTLY! He had to have twenty-three facials just to get that stench of Rikishi's butt off of his face." "Whoa whoa whoa, Billy, you gotta calm down - you know what stress does to your complexion. Now listen whoever you are - I know Maven, Rikishi and Snow have had some laughs in the last couple weeks. But tonight, they're gonna have to deal with Billy, Chuck AND Rico!" "That's right, boys - tonight I'm comin' out - and comin' out as only I can...in style. Whether it's the custom made clothes or the perfectly sculptured sideburns, the most stylish thing I own is a first degree black belt in kempo karate. So as far as Al Snow, Maven & Rikishi are concerned, tonight *we're* the ones...who are gonna embarrass...them."
D-Von talks to - a tattoo! Placing a chain attached to the money box around his neck, he says "Oh my brother, it is now time to go out to the ring and testify ALL OVER Triple H."
UP NEXT: Triple H vs. Reverend D-Von!
Time now for the WWE Slam of the Week, brought to you by Subway - EAT JARED! Earlier Tonight, H was bloodied so badly the replay can only be brought to you by in black and white!
REVEREND D'VON (Dudleyville - 242
pounds - with the TV-PG-DLV ratings box -
and a large man) v. TRIPLE H (Greenwich, Connecticut - 272
Thank you, UPN 9 News, for promising an emotional moment with Hulk Hogan next! But what I REALLY wanna see is that R. Kelly story!!
Commentators shill the Series Finale of "Roswell"
MOMENTS AGO! Three paragraphs ago
As previously promised, KURT ANGLE hits the ring. "As many of you know, At Judgment Day, I will be facing my old pal Edge...in a hair vs. hair match. What that means, in case any of you are confused here in the crowd (which it looks like you are) what that means is that the loser of this match gets his head shaved bald. Now Edge, I know you can be somewhat of a weisenheimer, but I just want to tell you that two can play that game. ["You suck!"] Would you please show the graphic of what Edge looks like now - nice, full, thick head of hair - good lookin' man - respectful. NOW, let's take a look at what Edge is gonna look like after I'm through with him at Judgment Day. Yeah! Mr. Clean lives! And ladies, he's single! Hey this is fun, this is fun - hey, let's go back to the way Edge looks now. (New photo) Okay, let's compare this. Everybody see? Okay, now, let's go back - or actually, let's go forward to the way Edge is gonna look like after I kick his butt and shave his head at Judgment Day! (Photo of bald Kurt Angle) Is that hideous or what? That is a dork! That is the single most dorkiest thing I've-- dammit, Edge! I know you're behind this - take this stupid crap off, put what I had back on! Do it now! Do it now! (Photo of YOU SUCK shirt) That's it Edge, I'm really mad now. You think you're SO funny. You think you're SO good looking. Well let's see how the chicks respond when you're a big stupid bald-headed freak! Let's go, Edge, I'm through with this - you come out here right now and face me like a man - let's go!" But instead...it's...YOU KNOW WHO? Perhaps with a few words about baldness - naaaaaaah. I can't help but notice he *doesn't* have the Undisputed Championship title belt with him. Well he's standin' next to a mountain - he chops it down with the edge of his hand. Coming up later, (I'll bet they're skillfully edited) clips (with sound effects added!) of Hogan messing with Taker's ride! Hogan leaves his boas behind before moving his head to and fro...then finally saying "You know something, Angle? You got a problem with bald people, brother?" WHOA "Don't you know that bald people represent some of the greatest champions this industry's ever seen? I'm talkin' about Superstar Billy Graham! I'm talkin' about the Rattlesnake Stone Cold Steve Austin! And oh yeah, there's one other guy that fits that description..." and he removes his 'do rag! "Take a good look at it, Angle - the way you're goin', this is gonna be you pretty soon, brother! And if Edge doesn't getcha at Judgment Day...well quite apparently, Mother Nature will!" And he rubs his head. "Hogan" chant. "Oh yeah? Well I hope The Undertaker kicks your butt real good. And just so you know, Hogan, if The Undertaker doesn't take that title from you...I will! And one more thing, Hogan - there's only ONE Real American in this company - ME. You see, while you were saying your prayers and taking your vitamins, I was training to become the single most success(?) story that modern-day athletics has ever seen. So if you don't mind, why don't you just kiss my you know what--" - Hogan interrupts...right, right, right, right, into the ropes, big boot and Angle sails through the ropes. Angle decides to walk off and let Jimi Hendrix play again. Unfortunately for him, KING EDGE pops from behind the curtain with a SPEAR - now listen to Rob Zombie!
"Stone Cold: What?" video/DVD ad
Rob van Dam shills Slurpees - again - with "WWF" mentions - again
Now's as good a time as any to tell you that 12 Stones' "Broken" is the *official* Judgment Day theme!
Angle complains to Vince - he wants Hogan in a match tonight - no, he wants Edge - no, he wants Hogan - no, he wants Edge. Vince asks him to calm down. "You're Our Olympic Hero - calm down, dammit! Tonight, I'm gonna give you BOTH Hogan and Edge!" "What do you mean, a handicap match?" No, a tag team match - Hogan and Edge against Angle...and Jericho. Everybody's pleased about this...except Stacy, who didn't have any lines.
BILLY & CHUCK & RICO (757 pounds - with
SmackDown! is brought to you by
Panasonic EEEEEEEEEEEEE, Quaker State, and "The New Guy") v. MAVEN & AL
SNOW (476 pounds - with Tough Enough III application info) and RIKISHI
(Isle of Samoa - 350 pounds - with Let Us Take You Back to Last
Judgment Day - Taker/Hogan hyped
Stick around for the UPN 9 News - Hulk Hogan's coming up next!
When we come back, Loyd is standing with Randy Orton. Let Us Take You Back 2 Weeks to show you Orton's victory over Hardcore Holly. Now Let Us Take You Back to Last Week to show you Holly's stage Alabama Slam on Orton. "Marc, my dad, he's been along, uh, with me throughout my career thus far and he's taught me that opportunities, they don't come along very often in this business. Now ah, the bumps and the bruises, you gotta forget about 'em. Basically uh, you gotta go out there and perform - that's your number one job. That's what I've learned so far, and--" Lance Storm interrupts. "That's what you've learned. That's what you - you're sharing with us. Perhaps maybe you could expand on that - share a little more? From this wealth of knowledge you seem to have acquired in... what is it, Randy, three weeks? If I could be serious for a minute, I'm sick and tired of hearing how you're the future superstar around here - how you're a can't miss prospect. Truth is, you've had this business handed to you on a silver platter. Hell, Kurt Angle was right - here I am, one of the greatest athletes Canada's ever produced - one of the finest wrestlers to grace a WWE ring - what have I been relegated to? Placing bets on whether Mark Henry can roll up a frying pan. Well not anymore, because tonight, I take my opportunity - I show the world what I can do - tonight, I prove that I am better than you." "We'll just have to see about that - now won't we?"
Your hosts are MICHAEL KING COLE & TAZZZZZZZZZZ. I can't believe what happened on RAW Monday night! Check out this set of clips - or go read the RAW report! Sure enough, THIS time the bike doesn't stall
TONIGHT: Hollywood Hulk Hogan & Edge vs. Chris Jericho & Kurt Angle!
Damn, that lady torches ANOTHER hedge
Damn, Lita is STILL shilling Stacker 2
And now, the WWE Burn of the Night, brought to you by Stacker 2! From Earlier Tonight, Torrie takes off most of her clothes
RANDY ORTON (St. Louis, Missouri - 240
pounds) v. LANCE STORM (Calgary,
Alberta - 230 pounds)
Edge knocks on Hogan's door...he's not there but all his stuff is! "Whoa - this is cool. I gotta do it." Edge puts on the 'do rag, the boas, and does his imitation of Big Show imitating Hogan. "...with the largest arms in the-- with some pretty big arms." Finally, Hogan startles him. "Just for the record, Edge - it goes like this." And then HOGAN does HIS Big Show impersonation...adding that "it's time to show them who really reeks of awesomeness, brother!" "That was so cool - he called me 'brother!'" Yeah, he *never* does that to *anybody*.
One more chance to hype the UPN 9 News
See it live! Saturday, Quebec City; Sunday, Halifax; Tuesday, Montreal!
KURT ANGLE (Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania -
237 pounds) and CHRIS JERICHO
(Winnipeg, Manitoba - 227 pounds) v. KING EDGE (Toronto, Ontario - 241
pounds) and HOLLYWOOD HULK HOGAN (Undisputed Champion - Hollywood,
California - 285 pounds)
Oh boy, the UPN 9 News!! Your BONUS RECAP!
10:03 - a shocking expose on "Bum Fights" - I don't dare direct you to bumfights.com - oh, wait, I just did - I bet Mike Naimark LOVES these tapes
10:04 - R.Kelly says "it wasn't me" - HA HA RIIIIIIIIGHT eeeeeverybody's out to get poor, POOR R. Kelly
10:07 - an update on the "masturbating mugger"
10:12 - a reminder that Hulk's Real Reason for his comeback is up ahead (actually, it's at 10:30, according to the graphics)
10:17 - an update in the trial of the stalker of Richard Gere
10:20 - coming up, "too painful for Hulk Hogan"
10:23 - an expose on frozen entrees - that goes on for THREE MINUTES - THANKS, I TEAM!
10:26 - Julia Roberts cries! She's the perfect choice to testify before Congress!
10:27 - Hulk Hogan's emotional reason! Up next! We promise
10:30 - Man, this better be good. (Yeah, right) UPN 9 caught up with Hogan at "a formal affair" (that means black 'do rag) - Hogan says his father passed away close to Christmas and told him, "Terry, you need to go back and make it right." Watching twenty years of his life in the WWF, it's hard for him to watch a lot of the people who aren't around any more without crying (Andre in particular). Either the fans are either eager to see him and showing a great sign of respect...or "they just feel so darn sorry for me they cheer me out of the building. It's unbelievable." He didn't exactly bodyslam Hollywood, but he's extremely proud of every B-movie he ever did. "Maybe I could be the Rock's...father." Compares himself vs. the Rock to Mark McGuire vs. Babe Ruth. Coming up: another story of WWE superstars helping kids! Okay, I'll pass on the Van Halen, Osbournes, J.Lo and Playboy centerfold stories and fast forward to that one. (Sorry! Maybe YOU can vacation here some day!)
Oops, it must have been in the last five minutes because the tape ran out. I guess we'll *never* know how "the WWE helped some very special kids." But you know......maybe.....maybe, we're better off.
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