I GET LETTERS:
From Marty over at martymix.com: check out www.mickfoley.com
not only is he in the WWF, but hes the *new* commissioner. Go figure.
Keep it up. At least *you're* entertaining.
KINGS UPDATE: Game 1 vs. the Lakers is Saturday, 15:30 Pacific! Also, the LA Times website is as bad as the Dallas Morning News website when it comes to letting me view their content without having to jump through a whole lotta damn HOOPS! God Bless the Bee!
TV-PG-DLV - Attitude - Entertainment - WW!
Wow, that UPN logo sure got smaller, didn't it? Also, UPN's "Smackdown" title graphic has been replaced with "WWE Smackdown" - ALSO, the "UPN Thursday" still hasn't been updated...replaced instead with a spot for the UPN Friday movie, "Rumble in the Bronx" - you care
LAST THURSDAY - 8:17 PM (except in many timezones) - beatdown, Hell in the Cell match made
8:58 PM - Jericho interferes, D-Von wins
9:59 PM - Triple H interferes, Jericho chairs him - ah, go read last week's report
Closed captioned logo - Opening Credits (which are beautiful, people)
EYRO! Coming to you 16.5.2 from the Centre Molson in Montreal, PQ ("QC" is for SUCKAS) and SAP transmitido en espanol (but not francais) on the United Paramount Network - this is WWE SMACKDOWN! (taped 14.5)
TONIGHT: A swimsuit competition! Torrie vs. Stacy - winner gets her last name back!
But first....TRIPLE H is here to burn off about three minutes with his prolonged entrance featuring that terrific hit song "Lemmy Been a Friend of Mine." H's new website domain, when pronounced, sounds like a lot of people reacting to my purple text - WWEHHH.... If your neighbour didn't call you last week to share the news, this man Triple H and that man Chris Jericho will take part in Hell in a Cell this Sunday at Judgment Day. "Ask Shawn Michaels, ask Mick Foley" how Hell in a Cell shortens careers, they say - well hell, I WOULD ask them but they never seem to be on my TV all that much anymore for some reason, you know? What you are experiencing now is Triple H attempting to get the Hogan-type reaction from the fans by moving his head to and fro. "You know, Vince McMahon just doesn't get it, does he? Vince, you just don't get it. You think that you can knock me down, and I'm just gonna...go away? You think you can send six guys to this ring to kick my ass? You think you can send Chris Jericho with a steel chair to split my skull- you think you can book me in the most brutal match ever devised...and you think that I'm just gonna go away? You think that I'm just gonna curl my tail up between my legs...and scurry off? Reality is, Vince, HERE - I - AM. And that's the way it is today, the way it will be tomorrow, and the way it will be forever. Vince, you knock me down, I am gonna get right back up and get back in your face. And every single time I get up, I'm gonna get that much closer to you, Vince - and sooner or later, I'm gonna get close enough, and when I do, I am gonna chew you up and spit you out. Now..." Pause for "Triple H" chant. Chumbawumba's attorneys are on the phone, by the way. "This Sunday...this Sunday, I am gonna take Chris Jericho straight - ta hell. And Jericho, since you've never been there before, I'd like to give you a little taste...so if you've got the guts, why don't you come down to this ring, Jericho - I will give you a firsthand feeling of what it's gonna be like Sunday at Hell in the Cell - the pain that you can expect. Chris Jericho, come on down to this ring - we'll consider this purgatory - and tonight, you can start to burn." The man failing to do a remarkable Jericho impersonation is KING EDGE, however. "You know, Triple H, that was a very stirring speech. But you failed to mention one very important point...that you came down there and you hit all of us with a sledgehammer. Now being one of those guys that you hit with a sledgehammer, lemme just say that I didn't exactly enjoy it. You know, you're supposed to be a 'good guy,' and I'm supposed to be a 'good guy.' Good guys usually don't have problems with each other - but to be blunt about it...I don't give a crap. Now, on Sunday, you may take Jericho down to hell. And I will definitely shave Kurt Angle bald...but uh, I've been having this feeling in my stomach - it's kinda been boiling, it's been bubbling in the pit of my stomach. I've been feeling pretty competitive since last week - I've been feeling like I wanta PLAY THE GAME." They stand nose to nose - is this a gum-chewing contest? Also, every time the crowd says "What?" you can't help but remember that Austin ain't on this show. "Let me explain somethin' to you. I AM a lot of things...I am everything that I say I am. But the one thing that I definitely am not is a good guy. So if you feel like playin' The Game....then, Jack, I'm standin' right here." Edge ponderes this - then throws a right, right, right, right, but H is right back there with a knee. Right by H, right, right, right by Edge, H barrels him down - KURT ANGLE & CHRIS THURSDAY JERICHO each pounce on these two while they're distracted. H has no problem coming back against Jericho, but Angle manages an Olympic Slam on Edge. Here's H on *Angle* now...working him over in the corner before Jericho drops down with an uppernut from behind. H put outside - Angle leaves him to Jericho as he comes in to give Edge a SPEAR! Angle back outside - double whip into the STEEL steps for H. Now both men back in the ring - Jericho holds him back and Angle has some scissors - and cuts off a shock of hair! H has a chair...but Angle and Jericho leave in time. Play Angle's music! Angle shows off the hair he's cut. Hey ad break!
Lita shills Stacker 2 - wow, seeing her drive in this ad is IRONIC now
Judgment Day spot - Hogan/Taker
MOMENTS AGO! Three paragraphs ago
Vince asks Stacy for a "sneak peak" - then gulps. "You're gonna wear that little thing - out there? Well, what if I were to give those pups a little nuzzle for good luck? Ahhh yeah..." but before he can feel her up with his tongue, a triumphant Jericho and Angle barge in and display their trophy. Vince, of course, wasn't watching any of what went down. Vince promises tonight will be "a night for fun," booking a tag team match with them against Triple H & Edge. This gets them out of the room - but not before Angle pops back in to say "'bye, Stacy!"
LANCE STORM (Calgary, Alberta - 230
pounds) and HARDCORE HOLLY (Mobile,
Alabama - 234 pounds - with Let Us Take You Back To Last Week) v. BIG
VALBOWSKI (Las Vegas, Nevada - 244 pounds - with Tough Enough III
application hype) and RANDY ORTON (St. Louis, Missouri - 240
LAST MONDAY: Taker sent Hogan on a bad, bad trip - and took the viewers right along with him
EARLIER TONIGHT! Hogan arrived! Cole said it was a wonder he was even WALKING!
Live events listed in THIS paragraph! Tomorrow, Louisville; Saturday, Raleigh; Sunday, Judgment Day in Nashville; and Monday is RAW in Memphis!
The WWE Slam of the Week is presented by JARED! From last week, Torrie took off her clothes
Maven wishes Torrie good luck in the swimsuit contest - and by the way, would they like to go get a bite to eat and maybe have a couple drinks? She says yes RIGHT AWAY, which proves that wrestling IS fake. After she walks off, D-Von and the Deacon take him to task for his impure, sinful, lustful thinking. D-Von calls Torrie a "bleached blonde Jezebel," which makes Maven take offense - well, at least he didn't say "white woman" while he was at it - before physicality erupts, Al Snow interjects, saying "Chuckles." D-Von says no, he's only wishing Maven good luck in their match tonight. "And Maven, you WILL get salvation from Brother D-Von. Oh you will." Snow: "Thanks for the kind words!"
Meanwhile, Gregory Helms (ace reporter) catches up to Funaki and asks if he's behind all the evil that's befallen the Hurricane lately. "Are you a practioner of things that are evil? "What's wrong with you? I'm busy." Helms says he's a good friend of the Hurricane who's just trying to look out for him. Funaki turns his back - and reveals a note taped to it. "Great Caeser's ghost! Another note! 'Hurricane, congrats on your title shot tonight / But take heed if you win / Because then your pain / Will surely begin.' Excuse me!" He starts to fly away, then remembers his outfit...and runs away instead.
Meanwhile (3), MARC LLLLLOYD stands with Chris Jericho. "My actions tonight? My actions tonight were designed to send a message to Triple H - a message he needs to understand and listen to. You see, on Sunday, for the Hell in the Call, everybody's thinking it's gonna be the big, bad Game - the man who retired Mick Foley in a match just like this one - against the loudmouth, long-haired, arrogant, gum-chewin' rock star who's finally gonna get his mouth shut and get his comeuppance for good. (spits gum) That's not what's gonna happen. Because on Sunday, the man behind the image is gonna peel off the mask, pull back the curtain and expose the ruthless, vicious, merciless ocmpetitor that Chris Jericho really is. You know, when Triple H tore his quad...was it the marketing of Y2J who put Triple H in the Walls of Jericho on the announce table and put him out of the business for eight long months? (clips of last week in slow motion) When Triple H was beaten down and bloodied last week on SmackDown!, not once, not twice, but three times, was it the image of the Ayatollah or Rock and Rollah who executed the deed? No. On Sunday at Judgment Day, Triple H is going to face the real me when he's locked inside of a steel cage with Chris Jericho. Hell...in a Cell."
Rob van Dam shills Slurpees
It's still raining in Canada as we stand outside the Molson Centre!
REVEREND D-VON (Dudleyville - 242
pounds - with Deacon Batista) v. MAVEN
(Charlottesville, Virginia - 223 pounds - with Al
Stacy is WALKING! Suddenly the Panasonic EEEEEEEEEEEEEE midget makes a cameo - wow, I'm sure confused.
Rob van Dam has another Slurpee - he's sure in a craving for sugar kinda mood, isn't he? Wonder what's up with that
Meanwhile, that lady torches another hedge. Somebody needs to report her!
TAZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ is in the ring when we get back to MC
THE SWIMSUIT COMPETITON: STACY KEIBLER (with Forceable Entry CD cover) v. TORRIE SAMUDA - Cole: "Boy, Kid Rock was right - Stacy, indeed, has legs." As if Cole were to say "Boy, she's just a stump of a torso!" otherwise. Well, I'd have been down with that, actually. Anyway, Tazz goes over the rules, then asks Torrie to go first. Torrie reveals...well, PART of a white bikini before TAJIRI runs out with a large black towel, covers her up and forces her backstage. "Well, well, well, looks like the competition - not that Torrie Wilson was much competition anyway - looks like the competition just left. So, I guess I'M the winner!" Tazz says if she's the winner, we at least got to see what she's got. "Is that what you people want?" Stacy lifts her robe to show a leg...but stops. "You wish!" But now TRISH STRATUS - THE FITNESS MODEL comes out. I rack my brains trying to think of a single time Jazz appeared on this show after the split...hmm, nope. Hey, you know what that means. That's right: RACISM "What the hell are you doing here?" Trish raises her title belt above her head. Tazz offers her his mic - who says chivalry is dead? "Stacy, you know what? I think these people came here to see a competition! You're not, uh, afraid of a little competition, are you? Unfortunately, I uh...I forgot my bikini...but ah...I got this." And shows off her red underwear. Stacy decides to whack her with her shoe - only, Trish ducks and puts Stacy through the ropes to the outside. Tazz proclaims Trish the winner. Play her music again! Stacy stomps away.
TONIGHT: Triple H & Edge vs. Chris Jericho & Kurt Angle!
And now, the WWE Smack of the Night, brought to you by Clearasil! From RAW, Trish wins the Women's title
Vince congratulates D-Von on his success, and proclaims how impressed he is with the Deacon. Stacy barges in and whines until Vince promises to find a way to make it up to her. Stacy suggests a championship match - Vince says okay, how about Judgment Day. "Um, but under one proviso, and that is that we employ the services of the...well, um, the Reverend D-Von Protection Fund. You WILL provide protection, will you not, Reverend?" "Wait - you want a *reverend* to go out and buy condoms?" Okay, some writer needs to be shot. Vince says, no, he means that if Trish is around, his half-brother Bubba Ray is sure to follow - and he needs them to counteract him. D-Von says he and the good deacon would love to provide their services. Stacy gives Vince a big hug.
RICO (already in the ring - 240 pounds
- with Billy & Chuck) v. RIKISHI
(Isle of Samoa - 350 pounds - with Let Us Take You Back 2
Judgment Day spot - Hell in a Cell
It's not too late to register for the WWE.com streaming video of Judgment Day!
Vince and Stacy share another private moment with the cameraman - but before anything can happen, Billy, Chuck and Rico come in and whine. Vince says he's ashamed that they lost to Rikishi...then books a tag team match between them and Rikishi and a partner that he'll choose later. That makes about as much sense as I typed it. I put money down on Albert, by the way.
Meanwhile, Loyd stands with Triple H. "Chris Jericho needs to understand something - something that I don't think he's gotten yet. This Sunday, Hell in the Cell, there's not gonna be any Kurt Angle, there's not gonna be six other guys, there's gonna be nobody to help. When that cage lowers around us, Chris Jericho is gonna be alone - alone with all of his fears, all his insecurities...and alone with me. Now, if Jericho is wondering what I will do inside Hell in the Cell...he should call Mick Foley - call Mick Foley while he's traveling around on one of his many book tours - you know why Foley's writin' books? Because I put him out of this business - I ended Mick Foley's career inside Hell in the Cell - that's what I do inside that cell. This Sunday will be no different." Oops, Edge is behind him. "You know, just becuase we were interrupted before doesn't mean that you and I still don't have a problem." "You know - while I admire your...guts and bravado...to come out here and get in my face - why don't you go back and win a couple o' world titles before you decide to jump on The Game. All right, pal?" "Well, I guess I could take the Triple H way to the top - marry the boss' daughter and sleep my way to the world championship, couldn't I?" "You can do it any way that you want - just start it tomorrow, 'cause tonight we've got unfinished business with Angle and Jericho." Edge nods and leaves. H smirks.
Commentators shill "Rumble in the Bronx"
WWE CRUISERWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP: TAJIRI
(champion - Tokyo, Japan - 206
pounds - with SmackDown! is brought to you by Hungry-Man, "The Sum of All
Fears," and Taco Bell!) v. BILLY KIDMAN (challenger - Allentown,
Pennsylvania - 215 pounds) v. THE HURRICANE (challenger - Parts Unknown -
215 pounds) in a triple threat match
Your hosts are MICHAEL KING COLE & TAZZZZZZZZZZZZ - which can only mean it's time to run down the card...
But first, a look at 12 Stones' CD cover. "Broken" is the official theme song! Run out and buy it now! From the top, the Undisputed title is on the line as Hollywood Hulk Hogan takes on The Undertaker! Stone Cold Steve Austin is on the wrong end of a handicap match against Ric Flair and Big Show - wow, listen to that crowd react to the only Austin sighting they get all night. It will be Hell in a Cell when Triple H collides with Chris Jericho! One man will lose his hair when Kurt Angle meets Edge! The intercontinental title is on the line when Eddie Guerrero clashes with Rob van Dam! The Hardy Boyz inexplicably face Brock Lesnar & Paul Heyman - this must have been a last-minute decision as these guys don't get stills instead of "moving around" graphical photos, hey? Announced tonight, the Women's championship on the line as Trish Stratus (I need one more synonym - where's my thesaurus?) Stacy Keibler with the Dudley Boyz in opposite corners!
Hulk Hogan is - sort of - WALKING!
WWE LIVE! Saturday, Macon; Sunday is Judgment Day in Nashville; Monday, Birmingham; and Tuesday, Tupelo!
Well, he's standing next to the mountain - he chop it down with the edge of his hand. YOU KNOW WHO is on his way to the ring, and for some reason I reckon I've got a lot of time to type before Hogan can limp his way into the ring and start talking. Well, he *did* manage to make it into the ring before the 90 second mark. The music is still playing, and now might be a time to mention the irony of these entrances taking longer than EVERY match we've seen thus far...well, perhaps "irony" is the wrong word. "Patheticness?" "Problem?" Maybe a more appropriate use of "irony" is the observation that entrances...and waiting for the crowd to stop chanting...*these* are things that *you don't even need writers for.* I wonder if the writers could catch on to this - yet I shudder to consider what they could possibly do if they DID figure this out. Well, we're up to four minutes now. Hogan just keeps shaking his head. I'm shaking MY head, too - but I reckon we have different reasons for what we're doing. To be positive (for once), though, I have to give props to Tazz and Cole for shutting the hell up and letting the crowd tell the story here. Unlike me - I'm gonna keep bitching about how we're now up to FIVE minutes from the start of the Hendrix and no words yet from Hogan. Hogan drops his mic and almost forgets his limp as he heads for the ropes to shake his head in disbelief. This may have been great at the live event, but IS IT GOOD TELEVISION? Where's my WRESTLING? SIX minutes! Of course, this is Montreal - where they still talk about Earl screwing Bret like it happened yesterday, so you can understand how they might still be living ten or twelve years in the past. Hogan points to his mic as if to say "hey, I'm gonna speak now" but then drops it to go into the jackhammer...which is hard to do when you are pretending to sell a limp...so he doesn't. "Okay, okay..." SEVEN minutes and FINALLY we get...no, he stops again. Here we go. "YOU GUYS are overwhelming! I had one goal. That was someday, to get to WrestleMania, and I came out here the night after WrestleMania, dammit, just to say thanks! And because of all you crazy damn 'maniacs, I can't go home now! You guys are awesome! And now again tonight, I find myself out here on the eve of Judgment Day, just to say thanks again!" "Cold beer" chant. Hogan adjusts his Du Rag for the thousandth time. "With Judgment Day just a few days away, I came out here again just to say thanks for makin' my dreams come true, guys. And I hope this dream never ends, maniacs. I hope I never, ever wake up to reality again, because you see every night, just like you guys know, I turn on the news, and when I see what's goin' on in the world today, with nine one one and all that stuff, reality *sucks.* So the way I feel, with all of my Hulkamaniacs out here, when I'm In This Very Ring, I'm in my own dream world, my own fantasy world, and I hope it never ends! You know, I was gonna - I was gonna come out here and say 'I hope,' but now it's not that I hope, 'maniacs, I KNOW that Hulkamania will live forever! And with all that bein' said, Undertaker, BROTHER, on Judgment Day, what are you gonna do when me and all my--" "No Chance in Hell" plays - and what could possibly make this segment better than if BILLIONAIRE VINCE walks down to the ring and kills off some MORE of this show. McMahon all the way to the ring and nose to nose with Hogan. McMahon swipes Hogan's mic! "You know, Hogan--" Hogan swats away Vince's finger. "--you said reality sucks. I'd beg to differ with that opinion of yours. In my opinion, reality doesn't suck. In my opinion, Hulkamania SUCKS! Oh yeah. And I'll go ahead and admit, I enjoyed Monday Night RAW - I enjoyed it when Undertaker was dragging you behind your very own motorcycle - all over the arena! Undertaker was dragging you behind your own motorcycle like you were just a great big bag of...ROADKILL. Oh, but wait a minute - at one time, at one time, I agree with you, I agree with these fans, at one time you were an icon. At one time, you may have been The Immortal Hulk Hogan. But no more. Because when I look at you, here tonight, what I see is an empty shell of what you used to be. You see, Hogan, I can sense it - okay? I can smell the stench - you see, what you don't realise is that Hulkamania - Hulkamania is diseased - Hulkamania, Hulkamania has a terminal illness. What I'm tryin' to tell ya, Hogan, is Hulkamania has CANCER. And that's why this Sunday at Judgment Day, The Undertaker is gonna gather, scoop up the remains, the remnants of Hulkamania, stuff those remnants in a cardboard box, and BURY it! I'll tell you what you can do right now - you can get that look right off your face! You can get that look off your face, Hogan, and I'll tell you why..." Crowd is singing the chorus to "Na Na Hey Hey Kiss Him Goodbye" for some inexplicable reason. "You see? You're right - you're right, say goodbye to Hulk Hogan! Say goodbye to Hulkamania! Go ahead, sing it loud!" They turn to boos. "Yeah, you see? You see, Hogan - I believe this. And you better get that look off your face, because I'd like to remind you that I, Dr. Frankenstein, Dr. Vincent Kennedy McMahon, *I* created Hulkamania! And what I created, I can always destroy. So now, Hogan, I'll leave you with these parting thoughts, 'cause I've figured you all out - yeah - I know what the red and yellow colours stand for now. The red stands for the blood that's gonna flow from your body this Sunday at Judgment Day. And the yellow - the yellow stands for that big wide yellow streak that goes all the way down your back." McMahon adds a slap to punctuate it. Crowd chants "Hogan." Hogan pulls Vince back - right hand! Jackhammering! Right hand puts him down! Hogan rips off his shirt, adjusts his belt buckle (?) - then limps off the rope and drops the leg! Cue the music, one more time!
Okay, so Hogan admits he's in denial about reality. Ha ha, he ain't alone, folks!
UP NEXT: Triple H & Edge vs. Chris Jericho & Kurt Angle!
Tough Enough 2 is NEXT!
Lita shilla Stacker 2 one more time
Judgment Day spot - Austin/Flair & Show hyped
KURT ANGLE (Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania - 237 pounds - with EARLIER
TONIGHT!) and CHRIS JERICHO
(Winnipeg, Manitoba - 227 pounds) v.
KING EDGE (Toronto, Ontario - 231 pounds) and TRIPLE H (Greenwich,
Connecticut - 272 pounds)
No, wait, they play a bit of the Opening Credits again. How odd!
Okay, NOW we're out.
See you Sunday!
Comment about this article in Wienerville