Just before the show, UPN 44 reminds you that RAW comes to
Oakland on the 17th! Then on the 18th, you can meet Rob van Dam at
Paramount's Great America! WOW!
UPN HYPE OF THE WEEK: "Haunted" - Tuesdays this fall on UPN!
TV-PG-DLV - Attitude - Entertainment - WW!
The Cox Convention Center (huh huh COX) in Oklahoma City, OK is all abuzz 6.6.2 (taped 4.6) because there's a giant Close Captioned logo and SAP transmitido en espanol but NO Opening Credits, NO expensive PYRO, NO witty noises from me as we move right to descriptions...
Sixteen men are already in the ring with no indications of what's up. With the music of TRIPLE H RETURNS! firing up, we still are left without clue...but the picture may slowly be coming into focus. But the picture muddies again when CHRIS ONLY ON THURSDAY JERICHO gets the next entrance treatment. Coming up later, he'll take on Edge in a King of a Ring Qualifier - the commentators know THAT much, at least. Here comes KURT ANGLE to the usual reaction. And now, YOU KNOW WHO - that makes twenty. If I didn't know better, I'd guess a twenty-man over-the-top-rope battle royale, but surely they wouldn't provide us with...wrestling? BILLIONAIRE VINCE swaggers out with hopefully all the answers we need. "All right, cut the music - I'm sure you're all wondering why all these superstars are in the ring ready to compete here tonight...well I'll tell you why. Because right here in good ol' Oklahoma City ["he said Oklahoma City!"] we're gonna have ourselves an old-fashioned, twenty man, over-the-top-rope battle royal!" Holy SHIT "And the winner of tonight's battle royal will be declared the #1 Contender for the Undisputed WWE Championship! All those superstars in the ring, one by one, will be eliminated by being thrown over the top rope, with both feet hitting the floor until there's one man left standing. And that one man will then go on to this year's King of the Ring...and face the Undisputed WWE Champion, The Undertaker. Oh, and uh...the battle royal begins - NOW.
TWENTY MAN BATTLE ROYAL
As the bell rings, Vince rushes out TEDDY LONG & BRIAN HEBNER to patrol the outside. GODFATHER is out first, eliminated by Triple H. REVEREND D-VON puts out FAAROOQ. Cole notes Edge isn't out there tonight. H puts out D-Von next. THE NARCISSIteST boots out BILLY KIDMAN after he spends too much time standing outside on the apron. THE BIG VALBOWSKI is upended by CHRISTIAN, who celebrates in demonstrable fashion. Unfortunately, he's next out, tossed by Hogan. Cue the tantrum! H is out through the ropes but not over the top - LANCE STORM and Test follow him out to add punishment. RANDY ORTON lands a nice dropkick on Angle, but Angle ducks the clothesline over the top and puts *him* out instead. AL SNOW eventually falls at the hands of Jericho. THEWORLD'SSTRONGESTMANMARK HENRY clotheslines out Storm, who didn't break the four-Storm time mark tonight. CHAVO GUERRERO tries to take it to Henry, only to find himself pressed and dropped on Storm. Angle puts out EL HURACAN when he fails to deliver the Hurrichokeslam. Next man to try Angle is HUGH MORRUS; and he's quickly taken out. We're down to eight - Jericho and Hogan pair off, Henry with Test, Angle with H, and now Angle is over to YAAAAAAAAALBERT, tossing him out - KOOL MOE DEE also goes out, but through the ropes and not over the top. Angle turns to Henry, who takes every punch - NO SALE - blocks the next one - BIG press - toss - but Angle grabs the top rope, dangles, and pulls himself back on the apron! Henry spies too late, runs at Angle but he ducks and lowers the bridge - out he goes! H and Angle going at it - Angle into the ropes - H with the high knee! Hardcore grabs him and runs him over the top to the floor! Too bad he turned his back too long - Test gives him Wotsitolla Boot and HE'S gone. Your final four are Test, Jericho, Triple H and Hogan. Jericho and Test go to work stomping on Hogan. When H is back up, the doubleteam turns to H - Hogan hears the crowd and starts working his invisible jackhammer - here they come - block, right for Jericho; block, right for Test, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, Jericho into the ropes, big boot - H whips Test into Hogan's big boot - Hogan tosses Jericho while H tosses Test...oh oh, we have a situation. Hogan slowly turns back to lock eyes with Triple H - crowd is going strong (so far as we know with two days of post-production) - nose to nose, words are exchanged and H backs up to request that he bring it. Hogan rips off his shirt for dramatic effect - and H strikes in mid-flourish! Gutshot, right, right, right, whip...is reversed - Hogan with a clothesline! Right, right, right, into the ropes, big boot IS DUCKED - Hogan's clothesline is ducked, H runs at Hogan with a clothesline and they both tumble over the top rope...but who hit first? (8:15) Of course, Long and Hebner each raise the arm of a different man. The discussion continues...and we move into the first ad break without resolution.
Hey, that was fun! Also, they gave me a reason to sit through these terrible, terrible commercials! Somebody must have learned it was my birthday!
Go one on one with a WWE superstar (at videogames) by visiting Xbox.com and entering the Xbox Ultimate Experience Sweepstakes!
When we come back, the ring has filled with Triple H, the other Triple H, some more REFEREES & OFFICIALS - hey that's Dean Malenko! I thought he was dead!
MOMENTS AGO! Yes, it *is* Hart/Luger all over again - we take three camera angles, none of which are terribly conclusive...I'd have to say Hogan's the winner, but it ain't up to me. Before the pushing and shoving escalates further, McMahon appears on the big screens. "Well well well...may I have your attention please. Hogan, Triple H, listen up! I mean, it seems to me we have quite a dilemma here, now don't we? I mean, Hogan and Triple H going over the top rope at the very same time, with apparently no conclusive proof as to who actually won. So...I ask all of you, then. Who should face The Undertaker at the King of the Ring - should it be, should it be Hulk Hogan? Should it be Triple H? Well I can tell you this - I'm not about to allow some hokey Okies influencing my decision. But I will allow one individual to influence me, as a matter of fact - his name is The Undertaker. You see, during the commerical break, I called The Undertaker at home, but quite frankly, he doesn't give a damn which individual he faces either, because The Undertaker looked at both Hogan and Triple H, both of you gentlemen, as losers. And why shouldn't he? I mean, let's face it: at Judgment Day, The Undertaker defeated you for the Undisputed title - and uh, Triple H, last week on SmackDown!, The Undertaker beat the holy living hell outta you. So then...who should face The Undertaker for the Undisputed title at the King of the Ring? I'll tell you who it's gonna be - the winner of tonight's one-on-one encounter between Triple H and Hulk Hogan. Thank you very much!" H manages to sneak in a cheap shot before they get them good and separated...
MARC LLLLLLLLOYD catches up with Kurt Angle backstage for post-match reaction. "What just happened? I'll tell ya what just happened. A WWE icon - a legend just got screwed. That's what just happened! It's a travesty!" Asked whether he thought Triple H or Hogan won, he responds, "Triple H or Hogan? What the heck are you talkin' about? I'm talkin' about ME, you idiot! I mean, what is this anyway - Screw Kurt Angle Month? Last week on SmackDown!, I beat Edge straight up in a cage match - and Hogan comes down and attacks me from behind, and throws me in a cage, and I get screwed. And then tonight, same thing happens - Hardcore Holly attacks me from behind and throws me over the top rope and I get screwed again! And it ruined my chance at becoming Undisputed Champion at King of the Ring. I mean, what does Hardcore Holly teach these kids at Tough Enough, anyway - how to cheat and use underminded tricks? I mean, PLEASE!" Holly walks in. "Wah wah wah. Are you through yet? Kurt, if you don't quit stressin', you're gonna wind up losin' your hair!" "That's real funny. But I'll tell you something that's NOT so funny - me kickin' your butt tonight in a match. How's that?" "Umm, Kurt - I didn't get the name Hardcore Holly by backing out of a fight. So...I'll see you out there." "Fine." "Oh by the way - how do ya like me now?"
Meanwhile, in the locker room, Billy & Chuck examine the videotape of Rikishi & Rico keep the tag team titles against them with disgust. Rico walks in - "Hey guys! What...you can't even say hello to me now? Tell me you're still not bummed after what happened last week - you know...it wasn't my fault! Look at you guys - look at you! Look at your complexion! And look at this robe! You guys have just let yourselves go! And Billy...you told me that thing on your right cheek wasn't a zit - I think it is!" "Is not." "Not that cheek..." - pulls down his trunks - "...THAT cheek! And THERE it is!" "No no no, he told me that was a birthmark!" Rico and Chuck play "Zit"/"Birthmark" until Billy pulls up his pants. "All right, knock it off! ... You know, Rico, we might not be such a mess if our stylist wasn't runnin' around here being tag team champion!" "Well you know--" "Shut up! Chuck and I have one last shot at gettin' our tag team title back tonight in an elimination match next. And I think if we're not successful, I think Chuck and I'll be lookin' for a new stylist. Come on, Chuck!"
Lita shills Stacker 2
Heeeey live events listed here! Tomorrow, Lexington! Saturday, Knoxville! Sunday, Columbus! And Monday is RAW in Atlanta!
TONIGHT: Edge takes on Chris Jericho in a King of the Ring Qualifier! But is Edge physically able able to compete?
WWE TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP: RIKISHI
(co-champion - Isle of Samoa - 350
pounds - with SmackDown! is brought to you by Subway, trust: the anti-drug
and Xbox!) v. BILLY & CHUCK (challengers - 534 pounds) v. RICO
(co-champion - Las Vegas, Nevada - 246 pounds) in an elimination
Backstage, Hurricane flies in, then spies a note taped to the cooler holding the drinks. "'You think I'm a witch / I flew in on my broom / If you're looking to find me / I'm in your locker room.' Of course she is...where else would she be?"
King of the Ring promo
Take a gander at the Cox Convention Center! IT'S RAINING MEN! (Or maybe that's just rain. Who can say.)
Hurricane's made it to his dressing room to find...Nidia. She's rather sprawled and I don't think that top fits very well, either! She chomps on a beef jerky, then spits it on the floor. "Stand back, there's a Hurricane comin' through! Hahahahaha!" "Nidia. Nidia, Nidia. The last person I need to see here." "Now - now is that any way to greet me? Now - 'Nidia, thanks for all the lovely letters.' Or 'Nidia, FIRST EVER female Tough Enough champion.' Or 'Nidia, I've been wanting to thank ya for the BEST sex I ever had.'" Wow, and we were worried this would be a letdown, HAH? "Looks like, uh, *somebody's* got a very HIGH opinion of themselves! Now listen, I don't know what your play is here, to be honest I don't care, but the Helms/Nidia relationship...that's way over. Dead over! I'm the Hurricane now - and I don't need that messed up by some Hurri(bitch)!" "Hurri(bitch)! Is that what I am now, huh? The Hurri(bitch)!" "Yeah!" "Listen here, Mr. Superhero. Your days as cruiserweight champion are about to end." "Yeah?" "Yeah. I'm here to let you know, face to face, that I'm never gonna forgive you for dumping me. But more importantly, my boyfriend is comin' over here and he is gonna take that title away from you." "Oh really. Boyfriend. Singular, I hear. So you're limiting yourself to just one now. Well tell your 'boy' to take his best shot - and as for you, Nidia, I suggest you get out of this locker room before I THROW you out." Before he can advance on her, he's punked out from behind, by.... "Oh, Hurricane, let me introduce you to my boyfriend and future cruiserweight champion - Jamie Knoble!" "Jamie Knoble, boy!" They engage in...well I *guess* it's kissing. "Remember that..." "Jamie Knoble, boy, you better remember it!"
KING OF THE RING QUALIFYING MATCH:
CHRISTIAN (Tampa, Florida - 224 pounds)
v. THE BIG VALBOWSKI (Las Vegas, Nevada - 244 pounds - with RAW in Atlanta
In the Room of Fun, Vince is on the phone with Taker, but cuts his phone call short when Tough Enough's Linda & Jackie pay a visit. "Hey girls! How are ya?" "We're doing pretty well, we'd just like to take this opportunity to introduce ourselves. I'm Jackie." "Jackie! Yeah!" "Hi, I'm Linda." "Linda, all right, I know who you girls are, you're my Tough Enough winners, right? Lookin' good--" "What the hell is going on in here?" That's Ivory. "I turn my back for one minute, you guys help yourselves into Mr. McMahon's-- Mr. McMahon, I really have got to apologise, they just don't really get it yet. You know, lookit, you don't just help yourselves into THIS office. There are rules around here, okay? And what you guys have just done is disrespectful and STUPID." "Sorry, Mr. McMahon--" "Are you talkin' back to me?! You guys are lucky Tough Enough is over, because I wouldn't stand for this CRAP if you were training under me." "You know what, Ivory? Tough Enough IS over. I'm sorry, Mr. McMahon, if we've done anything to show any disrespect to you today." "Well, see, I don't see this as disespect - cool your jets for a moment, Ivory. You see, what I see here is some tension, I feel the tension between the three of you, so therefore, this being World Wrestling Entertainment and all about opportunity, we have a brand new show on TNN on Saturday nights, it's called Velocity - so why don't we find out how much Velocity YOU have, Linda - when you go one on one with your former instructor, Ivory. Well, what about it?" "Sure, Vince, whatever." "I'M for it." "I'm for it too!" "Good - then officially, welcome to WWE - now if you'll excuse me." "Thank you, Mr. McMahon. Come on..."
OH MY GOD SEE HE CATCHES HER IN THE SHOWER AND SHE THINKS HE'S HIS TWIN BROTHER SO SHE ASKS FOR A TOWEL BUT HE WANTS TO SEE HER NEKKID SOME MORE SO HE HANDS HER A LITTLE TEENY TINY TOWEL AND THERE'S THIS WATER DROPLET SOUND EFFECT HAAAAAAAAA HA HA HA HA HA HOOO HOO HEE HEE HO HO HO HO HO HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HAAAAAAAAAAAA HA HA HA HA HA HOO HOO HOO HOO HOO HA HA HA HO HO HO HO HO HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE AAAHHHHHHHHH AH HA HA HA HA HA THE SOUND OF THE DROPLET OF WATER IS SOOOOOOOOOOO **FUCKING** FUNNY AHHHHHHH HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!!!!!! "BAD COMPANY!" "BAD COMPANY!" "BAD COMPANY!!!!!"
And now, the Burn of the Night, brought to you by Stacker 2! From RAW last Monday, Shawn Michaels....walks out and poses.
KURT ANGLE (Pittsburgh, Pennsyvania -
237 pounds) v. HARDCORE HOLLY
(Mobile, Alabama - 234 pounds)
The cameras of the WWE are everywhere! We focus on - well, it says "Emergency"
Inside is Maven - wow, I hope they didn't take him all the way to Oklahoma City before working on his leg! There's a knock at the door - it's Torrie! "What are you doin' here? You're supposed to be at SmackDown!" "Yeah, well I felt so bad about you breaking your leg last week, and I thought you could use a little cheering up." "Well, I'm listening. What did you have in mind?" "Oh, I dunno" then she gives a blowjob to a banana. Maven makes a face. "Excuse me - hi, Maven. Just checking up - is there anything that I can get you?" "YeahI'mfinerightnowthanksyerdoinagreatjob." "Now remember, it's really important - you have to keep this leg of yours elevated." "Oh, don't worry - I'm REAL elevated right now." "Excuse me, nurse - if you don't mind, could we maybe have a little time alone please?" "Okay, Maven - I'll be back to check on you later." "Hey nurse...take your time. Take your time." Torrie shows us her pink bra...then pulls back a curtain? Damn, how come they only remember the cameramen are right in front of them when they get to the GOOD bits...
Meanwhile, Tajiri is roaming the halls with *another* cameraman. To a desk. "Hello." "Hi." "Can I help you?" "Where's Maven?" "I'm sorry, who?" "Maven." "I don't understand - is there a last name?" "NOLASTNAME! JUST MAVEN!" "Ohhh - Maven?" "Yes - Maven." "The guy from the WWE. Real good looking, real great smile, real nice? He won Tough Enough? His girlfriend arrived just a few minutes ago." "GIRLFRIEND?!" "Yeah, a real pretty blond girl." "She just went up to Room 600." "Sir...sir, are you okay?" "I'm okay - okay - thank you very much - thank you." And then he makes another face. This is probably funnier when you imagine Tajiri's accent - hey, maybe you did that already. Ah well.
Again, KBHK reminds us that RAW hits Oakland on Monday the 17th! Then on the 18th, Rob van Dam will be at Paramount's Great America for an autograph signing! Visit tickets.com, pgathrills.com, and listen to KSJO for more details!
Time once again for the WWE Slam of the Week, presented by Subway - Subway: eat Jared! From SmackDown!, Edge hits the super spear in the cage match to defeat Kurt Angle
Your commentators are MICHAEL KING COLE & TAZZZZZZZZZZZZ. The second King of the Ring Qualifying Match is coming soon - also
TONIGHT: #1 Contenders Match - Triple H vs. Hollywood Hulk Hogan!
EARLIER TONIGHT! The TV-PG-DLV ratings box oversees six H's going over the top rope to the floor.
Tazz predicts Triple H will win tonight, but Cole thinks Hogan's got the "Mr. McMahon wants him to win" factor.
Back to "Emergency" ...
Tajiri has craftily disguised himself as a doctor, but is foiled when a sudden medical emergency brings other doctors just short of Room 600 to escort him immediately to the E/R. A big tractor trailer accident! "No!" "No?" "They'll be fine!" Amid great protest, he's walked away from the room......oh man I can't WAIT to see how THIS turns out
"Confidential" ad - featuring the Rock! (Who?)
KING EDGE is in street clothes and a big sling - looks like no match for MIKE SPARKS to oversee tonight. "You know, I've been in this business for about nine years now...and in those nine years, when it comes to injuries, I've been pretty lucky...up until now. You see, last week in a cage match with Kurt Angle, I did a spear off the top rope, and....I tore up my shoulder pretty bad - bad enough that the doctors say I'm gonna need surgery, and...I'm not gonna be around for a little while. You know, I've been replaying this match in my head over and over since last week, and I've been thinking about it, and I've probably been thinking about it way too much. But I'm pissed off! I'm mad at myself, I'm mad at my body for giving out on me. I'm mad because now this company has finally put the ball in my hands, and now I can't hold onto it. But if you ask me if I'd take that risk again - would I do that spear off the top rope again? - I'd tell you you're damn right I would. Because that risk helped me beat Kurt Angle's ass 1, 2, 3, right in the middle of the ring. And I'd take that risk again because I love this business. I love everything about this business, and you know what, that's what kills me the most. It kills me to come out here and tell you that I can't do this for a while. It kills me to come out here and say that I can't defend my King of the Ring throne this year. But what kills me most of all is to come out here and forfeit my first round match tonight against Chris Jericho. I don't blame ya, I feel the same way you do, but if you're asking yourself 'Is Edge gonna come back?' ... I'd tell you 'you're damn right I will!' And when I come back, I have one goal in mind - and that goal is to win the Undisputed WWE Championship." Well, CHRIS JERICHO has decided this has gone on long enough - he makes his entrance here. Wow I never realised how much shorter than Edge he was! "YOU make me SICK! As a matter of fact, ALL you jackasses here make me sick! You're all out there thinking, 'ohhhhh poor widdle Edge I'm so sad that Edge hurt his widdle shoulder!' You're sayin 'ohhhh I'm so sad that Edge can't defend his cwown at the King of the Ring!' You know what makes ME said? It makes me said that you forfeited this match tonight 'cause I was gettin' ready to beat the living HELL out of you, junior! And since I'm already the KING of THE WORLD! Now, I'm gonna be the King of the Ring. You know, you could make me happy though, you wanna make me happy? Why don't you raise my hand in victory? Yeah, that's right, you forfeited this match tonight, that makes ME the WINNER and YOU the LYOOSER. So come on, loser! Raise my hand! C'mon, jackass! Raise my hand right now! You better raise my hand, you stupid son of a--" Edge with a left, kick, kick, kick is caught - Jericho wastest no time going to the right arm, right, right, Edge shoves him off and clutches his sling - Jericho rams Edge into the turnbuckle. Sparks is powerless to prevent this - Jericho outside and ripping the padding off the barricade - and then puts Edge shoulder-first into the exposed metal. Jericho removes the sling and chokes Edge with it! Edge shoved into the post! Jericho undoes the STEEL steps, removes his jacket and tosses it at Edge. "Does your shoulder hurt? Your shoulder hurt?" Edge tries to fight back but Jericho is too strong. Edge goes into the steps. Jericho gives MARK YEATON his usual beating, grabs his chair - and sandwiches Edge's shoulder between the steps and his chair. "I'm the king of the world!" Play his music! But here comes BIG VALBOWSKI - right hand! Right! Into the ropes, reversed, shoulderblock by Valbowski! Clotheslines him out! Play HIS music! Jericho is left asking "Who the hell are you?" out on the ramp while Valbowski checks on his brother-in-law. He's his brother-in-law, right? Replay of the vile, vicious, damn, damn, damn chairshot. And we're out...
Lita shills Stacker 2...again
Have you heard? RAW is LIVE at the Oakland Arena on the 17th! Then, go to Great America to meet Rob van Dam! WOW I'm really tired of typing this now!
Commentators shill tomorrow's UPN movie, "Striptease." Whee
Dawn Marie checks her cleavage, then fondles the "MR. McMAHON" placard on that EXCITING! door - but unfortunately for her, Stacy Keibler is behind it. "Well, well, well - if it isn't Dawn Marie. Listen, if you have papers for Mr. McMahon, they go through ME." "Well, Mr. McMahon told me to bring them to him personally." "Well, that's changed. And...why don't you go button up your blouse - because you look...desperate." "Stacy - is it because maybe you're jealous that I have something you don't?" "Ooh!" She slams the door. We are left to stare at Dawn looking...I dunno.
Meanwhile, in the locker room Lance Storm catches up to Billy Kidman. "Billy - not trying to rattle you, throw you off before a match or anything, but...I've been here longer than you, you know, I've got contact, I've kept my ears out there - the word I'm hearin' - office thinks you're dull. You're boring, you know, you lack charisma. Quite frankly, they...think you're way too serious out there." "Really." "Don't think it's gonna work for ya." "Huh. Well thanks for the heads up. You know, coming from you, especially, because it's not everybody that can be as...exciting, and charismatic and captivating as you out there. And aside from all that energy you're oozin' out there, can I just say that you DO have the greatest haircut in all the WWE - see ya out there." Storm is left to wonder if Kidman was still being serious for a minute.
Meanwhile, inside Emergency, Maven has a big smile on his face. "So Maven, you feeling any better?" "Believe me, I'm feeling a lot better now. Oh no, we're fine, thanks - come back later. Excuse me, what do you think you're doin' in here? Excuse me--" "Tajiri!" Tajiri gives Torrie the GREEN MIST, then dumps Maven off his bed, stomps a bit, then slams a door on his cast. Tajiri has the last word - whatever it was - then leaves everybody screaming. Wow, I think he actually saved this bit!
The WWE Smack of the Night is brought to you by Atari - the makers of "Air-Sea Battle!" From last week, Test defeats Triple H - thanks to The Damn Undertaker
LANCE STORM (Calgary, Alberta - 230
pounds - with Greenville SmackDown!
hype) v. BILLY KIDMAN (Allentown, Pennsylvania - 215
Loyd stands backstage with Triple H. He's got some footage to show him - and us!
LAST THURSDAY: That Damn Undertaker! The Damn Chokeslam! That Damn STEEL Chair!
Loyd reveals that the doctors have said that he only has 30% range in his arm. And now to take on Hogan? What are his thoughts? H leans in...and says nothing before walking off.
Hey more live events listed HERE! Saturday, Albany! Sunday, Augusta! Monday, Florence! And Tuesday is Greenville!
Don't forget that it's been signed for Velocity - Tough Enough 2 Champion Linda Miles takes on Ivory!
EARLIER TONIGHT! Jericho picked apart Edge's shoulder and Cole is still DAMN pissed about it
HOLLYWOOD HULK HOGAN (Hollywood,
California - 285 pounds - with EARLIER
TONIGHT! - and Mr. McMahon on "ByTe ThiS!" hype) v. TRIPLE H (Greenwich,
Connecticut - 272 pounds - and the cover of FLEX magazine) in a #1
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