UPN HYPE OF THE
WEEK: "One on One"
TV-PG-DLV - Attitude - Entertainment - WW!
Edge wears the sling, but he'll be back
LAST WEEK: Hey
look - Edge is back
Closed captioned logo and opening credits are beautiful, people!
ALL-AMERICAN FOURTH OF JULY PYRO wellllll maybe not but we ARE off and
running once again - coming atcher from the FleetCenter in Boston, MA
ID4.2 (taped 2.7) and SAP transmitido en espanol on UPN and that
un-American The Score, this is the WWE and partner, there will be
fireworks tonight - on SMACKDOWN!
Hollywood Hulk Hogan & Edge team up to take on Billy & Chuck for
the WWE tag team championship! Why? I DON'T KNOW!
Angle challenges The Undertaker for the Undisputed title.
is in the ring to sing "America the Beautiful." Hey,
she's a RAW worker, isn't she? BRAND EXTENSION, MY ASS! Looks like they
gave everybody in the house a free American flag and instructions to wave
them proudly, so they are - except that guy. Hey! The camera's on you!
Wave your flag!! The best thing about segments like this is they're a
recapper's DREAM - two minutes of empty happenings with nothing worthwhile
that you feel you really "pay attention" or "type anything meaningful"
or...ah, hell, check that. "Stop the music! Stop the singing! Stop all
of this right now!" TEAM CANADA 2002
walks to the ring - Storm carries
the stick. I don't mean to ruin your little birthday celebration - we've
had all we can take of this 'America the Beautiful' CRAP! Lilian, get out
of that ring. As a matter of fact, get out of this building!" Lilian
looks ready to erupt into a violent tirade (in Spanish, ironically enough)
but does leave after Christian adds "Get out of here! ...Today, July the
fourth, America celebrates Independence Day. Well let me ask you all a
question: do you even know why you're celebrating? Well, considering the
ignorance of the America youth, you probably think of Independence Day as
the day Will Smith saved the world from a buncha aliens!" Pass to Storm.
"But let me tell you what REALLY happened. America was founded as British
colonies. And in 1776, America declared itself an independent country,
and turned its back on Britain! Now that's gratitude for ya. But America
could only contain its aggression within its own boundaries for so long.
Ultimately, America released its warlike hostilities on the rest of the
world. There was World War I! World War II! The Korean War! Tell me,
America - what right did you have to be in Korea? ["Ass hole!"] What right
did you have to be in Vietnam? Vietnam - it's a bit of a touchy subject,
isn't it? Why? Because you were defeated! You Americans are such
hypocrites! You don't like me out here telling you the truth. You don't
wanna hear what the rest of the world has to say. That's funny, how that
contradicts your very own Constitution! The First Amendment speaks of
freedom of expression - a freedom of speech... ["You suck!"] ...but you
Americans don't really wanna hear what other countries have to say about
you." Pass to Test: "Other countries say America is the most hypocritical
nation in the world! The rest of the world...hates America.
WE...hate...America. So for your birthday, America, dig this." All:
"AMERICA SUX!" Wow, this angle requires too much o' that book learnin'
for ME! The music hits and here comes RIKASHMONEY...as well as our first
LANCE STORM (Calgary, Alberta - 230
pounds - with Christian & Test) v.
RIKISHI (Isle of Samoa...hmm, better make that AMERICAN Samoa - 350
Storm tries to get the jump, but the punch is blocked - 'kishi right,
right, right, right, into the ropes, big back body drop. Running start on
the clothesline and Storm goes outside. HE LOVES AMERICA! Storm's
finally back in after some consultation, sneaking in a punch when 'kishi
pokes his head through the ropes. Top rope...runs into a clothesline.
Into the opposite corner by 'kishi, back to the first corner, pressed up
by the neck - and dropped down. 'kishi pats his rump as Storm lifts
himself up by the ropes - nobody home on the fat ass splash, Storm adds a
kick, and gets 2. "Iblockyourpunchyoudon'tblockmine" again by 'kish,
again, into the ropes, clothesline, clothesline, into the ropes, Storm
ducks, head down by 'kishi, sunset flip attempt, nope - SQUAAAAASH.
Christian on the apron, HE gets a shot, Test on the apron and HE gets a
shot. 'kishi pats his keister again and drags Storm to the corner for an
American Banzai Drop - nope, Christian on the apron, drawing over Sparks,
while Test climbs to the apron out of view, puts a big Wotsitolla Boot on
Rikishi's face, allowing Storm an easy pin. (2.2353 Storms)
The Undertaker is WALKING! (Geez, where's his ride?)
Before the break, we get the WWE Slam of the Week, brought to you by
"Eight Legged Freaks." From last week, Randy Orton's sell job does more
to make the internet cream over Batista than anything else - but how many
people did you see giving ups to Orton? (Well, besides in this paragraph,
Stacker 2 ad features people who drive racecars and AHHHHH IVORY'S BREASTS
ARE COMING RIGHT AT ME
Bob Holly's a big star in "Operation Sandman: Warriors in Hell!" Be sure
and watch it...'cause he'll never be in another one
Catch the WWE live - and laugh at the picture of Flair and Show raising
arms together - when the RAW crew hits Frederick, Wildwood, Philly for
RAW, Lakeland, Daytona Beach and Bethlehem! And coming soon, some REALLY
Examine if you will the exterior of the FleetCenter - it's the BANK, not
Let Us Take You Back to Last Week where John Cena made a big splash,
thanks to Kurt Angle
Backstage, Stacy Keibler walks her ass to the locker room door (well, I
*believe* that was the intent of our horny director), knocks, and when
Mark Henry answers, requests the presence of John Cena. Hey Mark, thanks
for showing up! "Mr. McMahon would like to see YOU in his office right
now." "Mr. McMahon's office?" "Right this way." And she makes sure to
check him out as he walks in front of her - see, THIS week she's a big
REVEREND D-VON & BATISTA (532 pounds)
v. RANDY ORTON & THE BIG VALBOWSKI
(484 pounds - with Atlantic City Return of the Rock
Say kids, remember when D-Von said a few words prior to his matches? Say
kids, remember JUST LAST WEEK when everybody was so *excited* that The Big
Valbowski & Hardcore Holly were teaming up? I believe Michael Cole, for
one, had personally been anticipating this epoch-shattering, stimulatingly
mind-blowing event for months - MONTHS! Remember all that? HEY! The
writers sure didn't! Valbowski finally convinces Orton to let him start
against Batista. Lockup - no, Valbowski ducks it - right, right, right.
Right. Off the ropes - no movement on the shoulderblock. Valbowski kicks
the back of the leg, kick, kick, off the ropes but Batista hits the
clothesline and down goes Valbowski. Put into the corner, tag to D-Von.
Right hand. Replay of the clothesline. Right by D-Von. Head to the
buckle. Right, into the ropes, jumpin' back elbow. "Who's the man?"
Vader? Valbowski whipped into the rope - boot up on the charge - here
comes Valbowski - right, right, right, into the ropes, back elbow,
scoop...and a slam. Off the ropes, kneedrop - hooks the leg, 1, 2, no.
Tag to Orton SQUEEEEAL. Ducks a swing, back elbow, clothesline, nice
dropkick, 1, 2, nope. Elbow, into the opposite corner - D-Von out, Orton
tries the springboard but D-Von gives a forearm to the back, stopping him
on the second rope - hangman's neckbreaker out - 1, 2, no. Right hand -
head to the buckle, right, right, right, right, right, right, knee on the
throat. Later, Hogan & Edge take on Billy & Chuck! Snapmare, fistdrop by
D-Von. Into the corner, boot up by Orton - second rope - bulldog! Tag to
Valbowski - he ducks, right, right, right, off the ropes, clothesline.
Into the ropes is reversed but Valbowski lands the shoulderblock. Whip is
reversed and D-Von goes for a sleeper, but Valbowski turns in and turns it
to the Blue Thunder powerbomb - but Batista breaks it at 2. Tag to Orton
- into the ropes, semi-powerslam by Orton - 1, 2, no. Elbow, elbow, blind
tag, whip is reversed, Orton is ready, connecting with a forearm smash on
Batista. Orton back to D-Von with a duck, and a hot shot. But Batista is
the legal man - fireman's carry into the forward roll slam a la Fit
Finlay! Batista waits for him to get up - but Orton slides away and
Batista shoulders the post! D-Von tries to come in and help but Valbowski
heads him off with a left-arm clothesline - Batista clotheslines HIM down
- Orton up top to try a plancha - nobody home and Orton goes splat.
Batista with the spinebomb and that'll do ya. 1, 2, 3.
In the Room of Fun, Jericho paces! "Can you believe what happened to me?
To me, Chris Jericho? Huh? The King of the World? When I looked up last
week and I saw Edge standing there, I mean the way I hit him with that
chair he should been out a lot longer than three weeks. And he came back
just as I was about to end Hulkamania, just as I was about to put out
Hogan, and he came back with my own ring music, with my own entrance, with
my own pose, who the hell does he think he is, huh? Huh?" "You seem -
you seem to be obsessed with Edge." "Oh, I'm - I'm upset!" "No, I said
obsessed." "Well, I'm upset, too." "So I'll tell ya what." "What?"
"You're gonna get Edge just like you want him - in a one-on-one matchup at
Vengeance." Jericho seems not receptive. There's a knock. "You wanted
to see me?" "Yeah, John Cena." "Yeah." "How ya doin'." "Good."
"Don't be nervous. It's all right. Okay? Listen, I wanted to let you
know...how impressed I was with your performance last week. You had a lot
of that ruthless aggression (2) I'm looking for. Where ya from?"
"Actually, uh, from right here in the Boston area." "Oh yeah - oh, excuse
me. John Cena, this is Chris Jericho, the first ever Undisputed WWE
Champion." "Chris." Jericho looks at his outstretched hand with
contempt. "Who the hell do you think you are, huh? You know what you're
doing, you're coming into this office interrupting me? I am the
Undisputed Champion, the very first Undisputed Champion. I think you
should show me some respect, you talk about ruthless aggression (3).
Pffft - ruthless aggression (4) with your green tights, your nice little
haircut - what kind of ruthless aggression (5) do you have, Junior?
Huh?" Cena slaps him so hard he gets bleeped, then walks off. "--the
UPN - Turn it up! Or off!
Commentators shill Bob Holly in "Operation Sandman: Warriors in Hell" -
the UPN movie of the week
Three paragraphs ago! Three more "ruthless aggressions!"
DURING THE BREAK!
"You're right, Vince. I do want Edge at
And I want this stupid SOB tonight. I want that rookie right here,
tonight. Do you understand?"
Coming back "live," MARC
LLLLLLLLLLLLOYD stands with Kurt Angle.
"Tonight, I'm a man of action. The poster boy for ruthless aggression
(9). Here's something for YOU to think about. Last week on SmackDown!,
it took me a few minutes longer than it should have to defeat ah, what the
heck's his name.... oh yeah, John Cena. But not many people know this,
last week, I had the flu! And tonight, I'm feelin' pretty good. Oh yeah.
Tonight, I WILL beat The Undertaker and become the Undisputed Champion.
Because I'm on a roll! Have you seen my most recent highlight reel?
Check this out! THIS is unbelievable. Two weeks ago on SmackDown! in a
nontitle match against The Undertaker, I pinned him 1, 2, 3 right in the
middle of the ring. Oh yeah. And then at King of the Ring, I took The
Immortal Hulk Hogan, and for the first time in his career, his illustrious
career - I made him tap. I made him cry like a baby. And then, last week
on SmackDown!, I went face to face with The Undertaker, and I slapped the
anklelock on him so fast, it made his head spin. And I only held on just
for a couple seconds - just to let him know what it's gonna feel like
before he taps out tonight, oh yeah. Now let me ask YOU a question.
What better night than the Fourth of July for Kurt Angle to become
Undisputed champion? I mean, what better man to represent this country
than yours truly? I mean, I'm an Olympic champion! I represented this
country! I'm an American hero! I am red, white and blue through and
through - this is my night! What America *doesn't* need is a man like The
Undertaker, a tatto-laden, fighting badass to represent them. What
America needs to represent them is a man of intensity, integrity and
intelligence. And you're lookin' at him. You may think I'm cocky...and I
say 'what?' But I'm not an braggin' Olympic hero if I can back it up.
Huh? Oh, it's true - and you will see."
Chuck stretched provocatively - his legs "are a little
sore from all the walkin' we did on Sunday." (Psst psst see GAY PRIDE
PARADES GET IT) Billy says he brought a picnic to make up for them being
cooped up in here on the 4th and produces a vending box. "Who wants hot
dogs?" "That's my favourite - nice buns, ha ha!" Before they can really
chow down on some wiener, Rico hits the scene and tells them they can't be
loading up on hot dogs with such an important match to come. Using the
hot dog to punctuate his point, he accidentally snaps it off while doing
some waggling. "You broke my wiener!" Rico throws aside the box. "We
need to be serious! We've got Hogan and Edge tonight, and this is the
single greatest threat to the titles we've ever had! Now we need to
prepare, so COME ON! Let's go!" I'm not sure Chuck ever swallowed that
bite - errr, sorry
UP NEXT: Tag
team championship on the line when Hollywood Hulk Hogan &
Edge take on Billy & Chuck!
I mean, if I am gonna get on their case for not having Billy & Chuck do
"gay" stuff, I should at least give them props for actually writing it in,
right? Well, you'd THINK that...but see, I have this DOUBLE STANDARD
January 17, 2002 - The "Rock Cam" makes its debut
WWE TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP: EDGE
(challenger - Toronto, Ontario - 241
pounds) and HOLLYWOOD HULK HOGAN (challenger - Hollywood, California - 285
pounds - with American flag - and SmackDown! is brought to you by Maxim
hair colour, "K-19 the Widowmaker," and Taco Bell!) v. BILLY & CHUCK
(champions - 534 pounds - with Rico)
comes to the ring to "Real American," which is sure to make Edge a proud
Canadian, right? Red, white and blue boas complete the ensemble. "Here,
Edge, hold this flag for me while I remove my shirt." "Umm, sure. I
guess I'm not Canadian tonight!" Hey, I'm as shocked as YOU are that they
had the champions come to the ring second! It's Chuck and Hogan to start.
Well, we went thirty seconds before they lock up. Hogan shoves him away -
and poses, climaxing with the infamous Poison "Kiss it" pose. "Ho-gan"
chant. Lockup, knee by Chuck - right hand. Right hand. Right hand.
Right, right, right, right, scoop...and a slam. Chuck poses for Billy -
but Hogan is up - NO SALE! Right by Hogan! Right! Right, into the
ropes, clothesline, elbowdrop, elbowdrop, elbowdrop...no, steps on the
face instead. Chuck runs to Billy to seek some refuge. There's a tag.
Billy in - running at Hogan, but he shoves him into the corner, where Edge
tags him. Hogan with a right - Billy playing the part of pinball as Edge
pops him again - another right by Hogan, and there's a tag for Edge for
the DOUBLE right hand. Edge goes to work - right, right, whip is
reversed, press by Billy but Edge lands on his feet - Edge-o-matic. 1, 2,
no! Chuck in and *he* gets a clothesline. Back to Billy for a Ten Punch
Count Along - at five, he stops and springs off to give Chuck a right hand
to put him back down - but Billy takes advantage with a clothesline of his
own. Stomp, stomp, tag. Shoulder to the gut by Chuck, shoulder,
shoulder, right, right, argument with Hebner, Edge takes over thanks to
the break in the action - block, right, right, open-handed slap, right,
Chuck blocks and grabs the double underhook into a big suplex. 1, 2, no.
Head to the buckle by Chuck, stomp, tag to Billy. Billy with a second
rope choke, grabbing the top rope for leverage. Chuck adds a right hand
from the floor. Chuck with an elbow, since Hebner has to deal with Hogan
trying to come in. Billy with a snap suplex. 1, 2, no. Tag to Chuck.
Held open for the right hand. Chuck pokes him with his boot, again, still
to come: Angle/Undertaker! Scoop...and a slam. Off the ropes with an
elbowdrop. 1, 2, no. "We want Hogan!" Edge tries to fight back - right,
right, right, right, right, off the ropes but Chuck runs him over the top
rope to the floor, where Billy is waiting - holding him for Rico's
superkick - but Edge pulls away and Billy eats it instead! Chuck tries a
punch, but Edge blocks it from the apron and pops him one, but Billy is up
from behind, bulldogging Edge off the apron into the STEEL steps! Give
that a replay. Back in for Chuck - 1, 2, NO! Tag to Chuck - stomp,
stomp, front facelock. Edge reaches to Hogan but ends up lying on his
stomach. Now back to his feet, Edge tries to take the steps to his corner
- Billy shoves him right back, holding onto the facelock. Again, Edge
lifts Billy off his feet - so close to the corner, but Billy ends up going
over and hitting a sunset flip - 1, 2, no. Billy with a clothesline and
Edge is down and out again. Tag to Chuck. Scoop...going for a running
powerslam but Edge lands on his feet, then hits the half nelson faceplant!
Hogan pounds the buckle and the crowd comes alive. Chuck tags Billy - HOT
TAG TO HOGAN! Billy begs off but eventually makes the fatal mistake of
trying the punch - Hogan with "Iblockyourpunchyoudon'tblockmine," right,
right, clothesline, block for Chuck, right, right, right, clotheslines him
down - here comes a double noggin knocker - full rotation around the ring
- and there it is! Right for Billy, into the ropes, big boot, call to the
crowd, off the ropes - right into the JUNGLE KICK! Billy hooks the leg -
1, 2, no! Billy right, right, Chuck right, into the ropes, Hogan with a
double clothesline! Edge gets the tag - up to the top rope - double
clothesline by Edge! Right for Billy, right for Chuck, right for Billy,
gutshot for Chuck, downward spiral (!) - waiting for Billy to stand up so
he can spear him, but Rico ankles him. Hogan walks around the floor to
meet Rico - right, right, crotched on the barricade. Back in the ring,
Chuck and Billy pull a switcheroo, and hope Edge won't read the initials
on their asses and figure it out. Gutshot by Billy - off the ropes to try
the Fame-Ass'er - but Edge is ready with a SPEAR! 1, 2, Chuck pulls him
off! Chuck back in - right, right, Hogan back in - right for Chuck, Chuck
into the ropes, double big boot! Edge off the ropes with a legdrop -
HOGAN with a legdrop, Edge covers - 1, 2, 3! Ladies and gentlemen, we
have new tag team champions. (9:04) NOW what do you do
with them? Cole:
"I believe a new era in tag team wrestling has started tonight here on
SmackDown!" I ain't touchin' THAT. "Ruthless Aggression" count: 1
BRA - PANTIES -
TONIGHT: Torrie vs. Stacy!
Undisputed Championship on the line!
"RAW" Magazine ad
"WrestleMania X8" for the GameCube ad
The SmackDown! roster is coming soon to Mobile, Savannah, Salisbury,
and Atlantic City!
CHRIS JERICHO (Winnipeg, Manitoba - 227
pounds - with TV-PG-DLV ratings
box - with Earlier Tonight! so add three more "ruthless aggressions") v.
JOHN CENA (Boston, Massachusetts - 249 pounds)
Just as Cena slides in - Jericho right,
right, right, right,
right, chop, chop, into the ropes, back elbow. Open-handed slap to the
face. Cena manages a takedown, right, right, right, clothesline, into the
ropes, Jericho hooks the ropes and slides outside - Cena out after him -
right, right, back in the ring. Cena with a forearm in the back, into the
ropes, reversed, Cena grabs a double leg takedown, WOW catapult into the
corner, spinebuster out, 1, 2, no. Jericho show into the ropes and AGAIN
he goes outside. Cena out but Jericho is ready this time and lands the
clothesline. Jericho slaps the back of his head, then drops him on the
commentary table. Jericho puts the table top on him hard. Back in the
ring. Field goal kick. Jericho with another field goal kick. Choke on
the second rope. Jericho off the ropes - Boss Man straddle. "King of the
world!" Jericho pulls Cena up - Cena tries a gutshot, another, up to his
feet with a right hand, Jericho into the corner - Jericho boot up.
Jericho to the second rope - but Cena meets him with a dropkick on his way
down! Cena with a clothesline, clothesline, into the ropes is reversed,
but Cena is off with a flying jalapeno! Jericho into the ropes, head down
and Jericho kicks. Jericho off the ropes and Cena catches him with a
powerslam - 1, 2, no! Jericho shot into the corner - avalanche by Cena -
face-first "bulldog" out - 1, 2, Jericho kicks out. Whip is reversed, but
Cena tries a sunset flip, Jericho rolls through, Jericho wants the Walls
of Jericho - Cena fights it off, then grabs Jericho's head when he leans
forward - rollup - 1, 2, no! Jericho goes to the eyes. Chop, chop.
Into the opposite corner, reversed, Jericho up and over, Cena with a
gutshot - and a DDT! 1, 2, no! Cena tries again - 1, 2, no. Jericho
whipped into the corner - Cena tries the avalanche once too often - nobody
home. Jericho with the "bulldog." Lionsault coming up - Cena rolls away
but Jericho lands on his feet...Jericho runs into a two-story spinebuster
- 1, 2, NO! Cena tries a schoolboy - 1, 2, no! Cena tries a death suplex
- Jericho backflips, lands on his feet - there's the Flashback (headlock
into Edge-o-matic), two feet on the ropes and Jericho gets the 1, 2, 3.
points to his head in the international symbol of "I'm
smart." Surprisingly, Jericho offers the Hand of Friendship post-match -
but when Cena takes it, Jericho pulls him into a forearm - right hand,
into the ropes, Cena ducks, then hits a spinning sidewalk slam - play HIS
music 'cause he's 0-2! (Additional "ruthless aggression" count: 1)
Stacker 2 ad #2
Rock has Vince kiss Rikishi's ass instead of Trish's.
Isn't it weird to hear Ross & Lawler calling SmackDown! (And Lawler
making fart noises? Bleah)
Your hosts are MICHAEL KING COLE &
TAZZZZZZZZZZZZ who are sure looking
forward to Triple H's return!
Shawn Michaels announced Triple H was the newest member of
the NWO. Well, wait - so maybe Cole & Tazz *shouldn't* be looking forward
to his return? Come to think of it, didn't Vince bring in the NWO to
Oh, I see - the commentators think Shawn Michaels is lying. BUT WHAT IF
HE'S NOT OH MY GOD
Talk shifts to the New York City Thongathon - Let Us Take You Back to Last
Saturday when Torrie Wilson was announced as the winner of the Golden
Thong Award, screwing Rico (who was modeling one of Shocker's outfits, I
believe) in the process. Allegations were traded and next thing you know,
Stacy and Torrie were catfighting while Lawler...sang.
UP NEXT: Bra &
Panties Match! BRA! PANTIES! MATCH!
Get the F out spot
The WWE Rewind is brought to you by THQ's "WrestleMania X8" for the
Nintendo GameCube! It's the game that is the showcase of the immortals!
I guess. From King of the Ring, Nidia helps Jamie Noble take the
Cruiserweight championship from the Hurricane
The WWE cameras were waiting as Noble drove Nidia to a
brand new double wide trailer, in a brand new truck - complete with icicle
Christmas lights. Nidia's worried they can't afford it, but Noble's a
champ now - plus his Aunt Edna kicked the bucket, so he "got it for a
steal." Fortunately for us, there's ANOTHER camera inside! Nidia is
transfixed by the full refrigerator, running water, and indoor plumbing -
well, they don't show us the indoor plumbing but we can only assume. The
highlight is the bedroom which fits a "full-size bed! Oh Jamie, let's
break it in right now!" Sadly, Jamie closes a door on the camera,
preventing us from seeing anything stimulating.
SAMUDA (with Subway presents Vengeance!)
a bra & panties match
"Highlight" of this match is Wilson & Keibler persisting in attempting to
generate near falls - and Sparks' stubborn refusal to even drop down and
slap the canvas because PINFALLS DON'T COUNT IN THIS MATCH YA DUMB
BLONDES. Additional highlight is Sparks getting rolled over by both
ladies - and grinning afterwards. (Hey, don't you REALLY mean the
highlight is Stacy getting stripped?) Nah. Torrie doesn't actually get
the panties OFF but I guess "around the ankles" is good enough for me if
it's good enough for the timekeeper. (2:38) Torrie goes ahead and
strips to a blue ensemble with stars, 'cause when else would it be
appropriate to wear such patriotic underwear? (I know *I* stood up and
saluted!) I think there's a sparkler in your shorts.
Undertaker held onto the title - and made a new friend.
Surely you've read the RAW report by *now*
Marc Loyd stands backstage with The Undertaker, and refs Vince's comments
of earlier this week, specifically the bit where he said Taker would meet
Rock at Vengeance "whether he held the title or not." "You know, Marc
Loyd, I find you to be a very observant person. ... You damn right I'm
upset! You figure after twelve years of kickin' people's faces in around
here, of all people, Vince McMahon would have a little bit more confidence
and faith in me. I wasn't lookin' BY Jeff Hardy Monday night, and I'm not
lookin' by Kurt Angle tonight, but I'd be lyin' if I didn't say I was a
little preoccupied about next week's SmackDown! Do you know what happens
next week? Do ya? It's the return of The Rock to SmackDown! Oh that
makes you happy. Well let me tell ya what's not gonna make Rock happy.
At Vengeance, when I cram this soupbone about eight inches down his throat
- yeah, he ain't gonna be too happy. Now Kurt Angle, tonight...I guess
you've claimed that you'd be a better representative of WWE and America as
champion. Well Kurt Angle, I happen to be a citizen of this country too.
Maybe not a model citizen like Kurt Angle claims to be...but a citizen
nonetheless. Mark, let me ask you a question while we're hittin' sittin'
here talkin'. If you're in a foxhole and you're takin' rounds from the
enemy, who would you rather have by your side: a so-called American
hero...or a true-to-life American badass?" Unfortunately, we fade out
before we can hear Loyd's almost certainly brilliant answer...
"Triple H: The Game" DVD ad
"WrestleMania X8" ad #2 (#2, right?)
Shop Zone Dot Com ad
King of the Ring - well, actually that wasn't Rock's
finest moment, but it *was* his most RECENT
NEXT WEEK: The
Rock Returns! NO WAY - when was THIS decided? Man, nobody
tells me *anything* around here
WWE UNDISPUTED CHAMPIONSHIP: KURT ANGLE
(challenger - Pittsburgh,
Pennsylvania - 237 pounds) v. THE
UNDERTAKER (champion - Houston, Texas - 305 pounds - on his
Beautiful Bourget Python bike)
I'm PRETTY sure we'll have to have an ad break during this match...there's
twenty minutes of show left, but I guess I can worry about that later.
Well, damn, Taker done found his ride! HERE WE GO: Lockup, Taker shoves
him away...and smirks about it. Angle back up. We do it again - side
headlock by Taker, grinding it in and being rather vocal about it. Angle
powers out, but Taker connects with the shoulder. Angle goes outside to
think about it. More jaw jackin'. Angle back in and we go again. Angle
goes behind, floats over, side headlock, grinds THAT in - Taker powers
out, then lets Angle bounce off him when he tries a shoulderblock of his
own. Angle isn't terribly happy about all this. Taker shuffles. One
more collar and elbow - Angle grabs a single leg, floats over to a
facelock, into a cover - 1, 2, Taker kicks out. Angle is a little more
pleased with himself - Taker lunges at him and Angle slips outside again.
Angle back in as Chioda hits 3. We go again - arm wringer by Taker,
yanking and cranking - whip into the ropes is reversed, Angle with a drop
toehold, Taker walks into an armdrag, another armdrag by Angle, Angle goes
wooooo and Taker puts a boot in his face - and Angle goes outside again.
You know, this is why I love BOTH of these guys. Angle back to the apron
at 4 - and back between the ropes to get back in. Angle holds up a hand
as if to ask for a moment...but then shoots out at Taker with a shoulder
in the gut and takes him down! But Taker pops back up and throws the
lariat - and *Taker* gets 2. Angle in the corner - Taker with a
clothesline - into the opposite corner, snake eyes by Taker - big boot off
the ropes - cover - 1, 2, Angle kicks out. Taker stays in command - got
the choke...but Angle slips out and goes behind, grabs the waistlock and
unleashes a German suplex upon the Taker!! Angle to his feet first -
death suplex and that may have hurt both men. Holding his back, Angle
drops down and hooks the leg - 1, 2, no! Angle stays on him - right,
right, right, right, right, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp,
stands on the neck for 4. Front facelock out of the corner - Taker shoves
him towards the centre - but Angle backs him to the adjacent corner -
Chioda counts to 4 and Angle lets go. Angle with a right hand - another
right, shoves off Chioda, right, right, right, Chioda shoves *Angle* off -
brief discussion is just long enough - Taker switches positions in the
corner and goes off - soupbone left soupbone left soupbone left, soupbone,
soupbone, back elbow, making Chioda flinch, another soupbone, into the
ropes is reversed, Taker ducks the swing and hits a shouldertackle.
Soupbone, soupbone, ducks a swing from Angle, gutshot, DDT! 1, 2,
Angle gets the shoulder up! Taker waits for Angle to get up - scooped up
on the shoulder - Angle back to his feet, grabbing the waistlock, Taker
with a back elbow to break it. Scoops up Angle - going for the
TOMBSTONE!! but Angle climbs down the leg and hooks in the ANGLELOCK!
Taker flips to his back and kicks away but Angle hangs on and spins him
back to his stomach! Taker is feeling the anklelock but is fighting it -
standing on his right foot - then flipping Angle up, over and off! Big
boot is CAUGHT - Angle counters with the OLYMPIC SLAM!! 1, 2, FOOT ON THE
ROPE!! Angle thinks his time is now - DOWN COME THE STRAPS - and AGAIN
Angle goes back to the ANGLELOCK!! The left ankle is bent at an awkward
angle and Taker's feeling more pain than he may have shown in a dozen
years. Taker reaches but the ropes are so far away. Taker won't give up
- to his right foot again - another flip - and DOES manage to kick Angle
away! Taker is a one-legged man - Angle runs in - but gets caught in the
choke! CHOKESLAM!! But Taker can't follow up - he can't stand. Taker
crawls to a body press - 1, 2, NO! Taker shakes his head and gets back to
his feet. There's the international sign of the Last Ride as he shakes
out his left foot - Angle up - Angle holding on - Angle has scissored the
head and Tazz calls the triangle choke! Taker drops to his knees, fading
fast - Angle tries to grab two handfuls of hair but Taker slips his right
arm between Angle's legs and grabs Angle's neck - but Angle adds an
armbar! Taker is losing all kinds of oxygen - back to his feet - Angle's
shoulders are on the mat and Chioda counts 1, 2, 3!! But wait...TAKER'S
TAPPED!! No closing bell - and Chioda looks confused. Ohhhh no. Cole
and Tazz each think a different man has the victory...and the title. Tony
Chimel tries to coax a decision out of Chioda by announcing "The winner of
this match is..." but no dice. Angle is up and insisting that he made
Taker tap. Taker's up now, and raising HIS arms. Ohhhh if only Taker had
managed to hold out for another brief part of a second...whaaa? We ARE
going to take that ad break? Baa baa baa. "Ruthless aggression" count: 3
Coming back, referees Sparks & Korderas have joined Chioda in the ring and
the "bullshit" chant has risen up from the crowd. We take the replay and
sure enough, Taker happens to tap out JUST as Chioda's hand hits the
canvas for the third time. Angle tries to point to the replay to prove
his point - three zebras, three opinions - Sparks raises Angle's arm,
Korderas raises Taker's arm...but there's only one opinion that counts in
this match. Chioda finally tells Chimel to announce his decision: a
draw. No closing bell, so rewind it to the third count and tapout
and officially call it (Draw
10:20). Angle registers his opinion of the
decision by taking Taker down AGAIN and giving him the anklelock one more
time. The refs pull Angle off and out of the ring. "I made you tap!"
Play his music so the crowd can chant "You suck!" Taker and Angle each
make threatening jaw movements, and as the credits come up, Tazz says "The
Undisputed title is in dispute!"
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