TO: Teddy Long?
UPN MOVIE OF THE WEEK: "Striptease" - oh boy!
TV-PG-DLV - Attitude - Entertainment - WW!
Here's a Special Video Look at Stephanie McMahon in various Vince-induced tints, at various Max Headroom-induced speeds and loops, and in various Paula Abdul-induced "slimming" picture distortion. Is ANYTHING about this segment original? Well, we DO get a lineup for tonight's show! Tonight, Edge takes on Chris Jericho within the confiles of the STEELSTEELSTEEL cage - tonight, ReyReyReyReyRey Mysterio debuts - also, Therocktherocktherocktherock will take on Lance Storm & Christian Lance Storm & Christian for the tag team championship - and his partner will be Hollywood Hulk Hulk Hulk Hulk Hogan Hulk Hogan - also, the Next Big Thing the Next Big Thing Brock Lesnar Brock Lesnar Brock Brock Brock Lesnar will make his SmackDown! debut (well, return actually actually actually actually actually actually actually actually actually actually actually actually actually actually actually actually actually actually actually actually actually actually actually actually actually actually actually actually actually actually actually actually actually actually actually actually actually actually actually actually actually actually actually actually actually) - why yes, I AM tired of this already
Close captioned logo in the opening credits. Beautiful
No pyro tonight - pyro costs MONEY - well, except for the pyro for the immediate entrance of
KURT ANGLE (Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
- 237 pounds) v. WORLD'S STRONGEST
MAN MARK HENRY (Silsbee, Texas - 353 pounds)
Backstage, the camera has caught Angle catching up to a jovial Lesnar. "Hey, Paul - I'll handle this. Kurt, relax. You looked like you were in trouble, so I figured I'd help you out." "Whoa whoa, help ME out - you help ME out! Who the hell do you think you are?" "I'm the guy that's goin' to SummerSlam to face the Rock for the WWE title. You see, Kurt, I was hopin' I'd be able to face you...but you blew it. Heh, maybe the pressure of always bein' number one is getting to you, Kurt. Well, not anymore. Now I'm here. And you...on SmackDown!, bein' the number one guy? It's OVER." Lesnar's grin turns to a growl. Angle mutters something not nice and walks off.
Tough Enough 2 trainers shill Stacker 2 - I guess we'll see this ad until TE3 starts?
Confidential ad - Randy Orton talks about military prison - THAT'LL bring viewers, boy!
We follow Stacy to Stephanie McMahon's office - she gets off the phone (not with me) and tells her that Vince - err, Mr. McMahon - told her last week that her services would no longer be needed. "Oh, Stacy, I wouldn't feel too bad - if I know Mr. McMahon then I'm sure he's already being 'serviced' elsewhere." "Well, anyway - if you need anything, just ask." "Well, okay, how 'bout you start by...getting the door?" "Okay!" "Oh, Steph - someone sent you some BEAUTIFUL flowers." "Boy, they sure did." She takes the card. "Who sent them? Who...sent them." "Why don't you read it for yourself?" "'SmackDown!'s loss is RAW's gain - see you tonight, love, ERIC?" Stephanie throws the vase into the wall for dramatic effect. Stacy...does nothing.
REVEREND D-VON (Dudleyville - 246
pounds - with RAW hype - and Batista) v.
THE BIG VALBOWSKI (Las Vegas, Nevada - 244 pounds - with Hardcore
Stacy directs the security to report any suspicious activity to Stephanie's office - then, spying Edge, she sends them to stop HIM instead. "Oh my God - not Edge..." She gets on her phone and calls Stephanie. "Stephanie, I don't know how to tell you this, but I think Eric Bischoff might have Edge."
Heyman narrates a quick Brock Lesnar vignette - wow, he SURE likes speaking religious in Latin!
"WrestleMania X8" ad
"WWE Divas 2002" airs Wednesday! I'm pretty sure this is another name for "WWF Divas: Sex on the Beach" if you watched it WrestleMania week
The Extreme Blast of the Night is sponsored by JVC's Tower of Power! From Vengeance, an unfortunate series of circumstantial events results in Christian & Lance Storm taking the tag team titles from Hulk Hogan & Edge
EARLIER TODAY! We eavesdrop. "That's what I'm talking about. I can't believe it finally happened - despite biased refereeing, hateful fans, and a hostile environment - we STILL walked out of Vengeance tag team champions." "Yeah, and the best part about it, we did it in a totally un-American way - by working hard...and actually earning it." "Exactly. We can't revel in this victory. We need to make a statement tonight by defeating these two so-called American icons...the Rock, and Hulk Hogan." "How fitting - how fitting is it that Hogan used to come out to that music, 'Real American?' Because you know what? He IS a real American - lazy, stupid, ignorant, and he thinks the entire world revolves around him." "Exactly. That's why we make a stand tonight. And despite what the Rock says, it DOES matter what we think...and I think - we're gonna be tag team champions...a very long time." Handshake. "A very long time." Oh, that was Storm & Christian, right, you knew that.
Coming back to real time, Edge and the Security are assembled, waiting for Stephanie. "Edge - guys, it's okay. Thank you very much. Sorry about all this security stuff, but...Edge. Tell me what's up, because if you're leaving to go sign with Bischoff and RAW, you haven't even heard me out yet." "Whoa whoa whoa - what are you talkin' about, RAW - what are you talking about?" "Well, I mean..." "No, no, no - you mean nothing, I am SmackDown! through and through." "Right, you went running out of the building and--" "No, listen to me, I am SmackDown! through and through. I trust you and I trust your vision for SmackDown! All right? I think your vision for SmackDown!'s gonna ROCK!" "It will." "Good. Now what you need to do is come with my 'cause I wanna show you something. C'mon, trust me." "Where are we goin'?" "Production truck. Okay?" "Why are YOU going to the production truck?" "Trust me, okay? After you - I'm a gentleman. You go first." "Okay - you trust my vision, I'll trust you." "Fair enough - okay - okay, who's in charge of doing the whole Chris Jericho beeboobeeboobeeboowooooa." He hands her a tape. "You? Okay. Throw that bad boy in. I wanna see it." "It's fine, it's fine." "Trust me." The monitor next to the one showing Tony Chimel yakking about something shows a clock. "Wanna know what that clock signifies? It's a countdown between now and the end of the show. Because in that time, I'm going to get Chris Jericho inside of a steel cage, and I am going to BEAT Chris Jericho's (ass). Wanna know the best part about it?" "What." "I'm gonna do it on SmackDown!" "I'm all about SmackDown! Hey, Anne? It's cool - you can keep that running the rest of the show." "Okay." The monitor NEXT to the clock (1:36:25 and counting) shows Rikishi's entrance video - I have a sneaky hunch he may be coming up!
SummerSlam promo features Trish Stratus as the Ice Cream Cleavage - err
Adidas' A Cubed and the WWE are having a sweepstakes of some sort! If only I had visited their website; then I could have told you more!
Triple H DVD ad
RIKISHI (American Samoa - 350 pounds -
with 1:32:07) v. ALBERT (Boston,
Massachusetts - 350 pounds)
Stephanie has found Marc Loyd, and makes sure he overheard Kurt "talking to somebody named Eric." Stephanie gets on her phone and leaves Angle a voicemail. Geez, they didn't have a camera following Angle around? She calls him "leader of the SmackDown! locker room" and reminds him that she's a MUCH better manager than Bischoff. Then she makes a face.
UP NEXT: Hollywood Hulk Hogan & The Rock take on Lance Storm & Christian and the titles are on the line!
RAW shows here - tomorrow, Houston - Saturday, San Antonio - Sunday, Columbia - Monday is RAW in Greensboro - Saturday, Miami - and Sunday, Pittsburgh! Say, I wonder - I WONDER why Stephanie, being such a good manager and all, allows these ads for RAW talent to appear on her show?
He's coming - TONIGHT!
WWE TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP: LANCE STORM
& CHRISTIAN (champions - 454 pounds
- with Test - and "Global Warning Tour" hype) v.
HOLLYWOOD HULK HOGAN
(challenger - Hollywood, California -
280 pounds) and
- Undisputed champion - Miami, Florida - 275
Turn it up - I guess, like my bad jokes, UPN is less crappy when it's REALLY REALLY LOUD
Commentators shill UPN's "The Twilight Zone"
TV-PG-DLV - the countdown to 10:04 continues - now down to 1:02:20
Heyman and Lesnar head for the limousine, but the chauffer won't let them in. "This car's for someone else this evening." "Stephanie said we could take her car, it's okay." "No, this is Hulk Hogan's car tonight." "Hulk Hogan's car." "Hulk Hogan's car." "No, you got it all wrong. This is the Next Big Thing's car, and if you don't open this door and drive for me, I'm gonna beatcher ass. So open the door! Now DRIVE!" He complies...and off they drive.
Your commentators are MICHAEL KING COLE & TAZZZZZZZZZZZZ. Ever since Vince McMahon opened up all the contracts, it's been nothing but chaos! Well, we can only hope with Lesnar having driven away, there'll be no more crappy run-ins? Tazz tells us it's an exciting time to be a wrestling fan - keep saying it and SOMEONE will believe it. Tazz is a little worried about Angle, though. Coming up, John Cena takes on Test!
Backstage, John Cena says "There's no doubt Test is gonna be tough. And he talks a lot of trash about America. I mean, maybe he SHOULD talk trash about American - I mean, everybody knows Canadians get free health care. But if you look at Test, it's obvious they don't get dental care. Instead of going around sayin' 'America sux! America sux!' he should be goin' around sayin' 'Please fix my teeth! Please fix my teeth!' I mean, he reminds me of some...crazy...Canadian woodchuck. So I guess the obstacle I have to conquer tonight is...how much wood would a woodchuck chuck if...Test could chuck wood?" Test is up next to him. "You're a pretty funny guy, Cena! You know, maybe what they say is true - maybe you *are* the kid with ruthless aggression." Then he slaps him. "But to me, you're just another little punk!" Cena comes up...smiling
Stephanie is WALKING! No return call from Angle yet. She finds Jericho on headphones and in "Fozzy" shirt. "Chris - I've been lookin' all over for you. I'm sorry, I know you've got a lot on your mind with the cage match tonight, and I don't know if you've even heard about Kurt Angle and, you know, no one can find him, or Eric Bischoff supposedly being in Indianapolis. But as one of the biggest superstars on SmackDown!, I've just gotta know - I wanna make sure that you are happy here." "Am I happy?" "Yes, are you happy?" "Steph, I'm ecstatic - and why wouldn't I be? My band Fozzy's new CD comes out this Tursday, Happenstance - you want a copy?" "I'd...love one!" "You can have that one. And on top of that, the clock is ticking down on Edge - and tonight, in the steel cage, I'm gonna leave him lying in a pool of his own blood - and that makes me very, very happy!" He walks off, leaving Stephanie to emote - and sigh in relief?
Rey Mysterio shows off his spinal exoskeleton tattoo, fastens his mask - and displays his new flourescent sky blue contact lenses! He's next!
"WrestleMania X8" ad #2
Take a gander at the cover of "Happenstance" - the second Fozzy CD is available next Tuesday!
Take a gander at the Indianapolis skyline! I wish the Pacers were playing tonight - VROOOOOM VROOOOOOOOOOM VROOOOOOOOOOM VROOOOOOOM
CHAVO GUERRERO (El Paso, Tejas - 213
pounds - with SmackDown! in Charlotte
hype) v. REY MYSTERIO (San Diego, California - 175
TONIGHT: Steel cage match - Chris Jericho vs. Edge!
SmackDown! shows coming up Saturday at Arkansas State - Sunday in Little Rock - Monday in Asheville - and Tuesday in Charlotte!
The WWE Smack of the Night is brought to you thanks to Subway! Moments Ago, Mysterio did this - that - that - and that!
Test is WALKING! He bumps into Rey Mysterio - Mysterio eventually keeps walking, so Test grabs him and rams him into a garage door. "Go back to kindergaten - KID."
EARLIER TONIGHT! Boy, Test likes saying "kid," huh? Cena tastes the slap - and LIKES it
TEST (Toronto, Ontario - 282 pounds -
with SmackDown! is brought to you by
Maxim hair colour, "Austin Powers in Goldmember," and Taco Bell!) v. JOHN
CENA (blue and white - West Newberry, Massachusetts - 245
There's that cage again - down to 30:59 and counting!
Oh Jeremy Renner, you Slurp & Gulp FIEND
And now, the WWE Slam of the Week, brought to you by "Vin Diesel IS XXX!" From Vengeance, Eric Bischoff has TESTICLES! And all she has is a slap
The cage has lowered - and we didn't even get to hear "Theme from Cage Lowering!"
Stacy is on the phone - Kurt Angle doesn't answer; it's his voicemail again. Stephanie asks for the phone and leaves ANOTHER message. At least Brock Lesnar had the common courtesy to tell Eric Bischoff he was leaving to his face! She'd like the same courtesy. Regardless of his decision, she expects him to return to the arena and tell her his decision to her face. She ANGRILY closes the phone. "Dammit!"
EDGE (Toronto, Ontario - 249 pounds -
with Foot Locker's House of Hoops
presents WWE SummerSlam! Tix on sale Saturday - meet Lita!) v. CHRIS
JERICHO (Winnipeg, Manitoba - 227 pounds) within the confines of the
unforgiving STEEL cage
Another Tough Enough 2 Stacker 2 ad
Don't forget the WWE Divas take off most of their clothes Wednesday after Enterprise!
When we come back, the match has already started! Ain't that a bitch? Foot Locker Replay shows Jericho wanted to introduce a chair before entering the cage, but Edge hit a baseball slide dropkick to the door, into Jericho! Joining the action, it's Jericho with a right, chop, chop, into the ropes is reversed and Edge flapjacks Jericho - mount, right, right, right, right, right - Jericho tries to go through the door (smart guy!) but Edge catches him and pulls him back - Jericho blocks a head to the cage with his boot - elbow by Jericho, right, choke in the corner - head to the buckle, kick, kick, right, right, into the opposite corner, but Edge pops out with a clothesline for Jericho. Chop! Edge with a chop. Chop! Whip into the opposite corner - Jericho jumps to the second rope, top turnbuckle, and almost climbs over the top before Edge realises what's going on, runs after and catches him - but Jericho kicks him off! Edge climbs up after him, grabs the tights and pulls him back into a hard landing! Edge with a boot to the head. Right hand. Chop! Whip is reversed by Jericho, head down, Edge kicks. Jericho falls back and ties himself between the ropes! Edge asks who the king of the world is, then spears Jericho! Edge winds up, but Jericho sidesteps and rams him into the cage wall!! Jericho wastes no time driving Edge's head into the cyclone fencing one more time. Let's make it three walls for Edge's head. Jericho calls to the crowd, which helps to distract us from Edge giving himself the blade, I imagine. Right hand by Jericho and sure enough, Edge has the cut. Stomp, stomp. Jericho makes cole slaw out of Edge's forehead, much to Chioda's consternation. Blatant chokery but there's no disqualifications in the cage. Choke on the second rope. "Jericho sux!" chant. Boss Man straddle by Jericho. "C'mon Baby" gets 2. Jericho is now more interested in embarrassing Edge than in escaping - that might bite him later, but not at the moment. Jericho with a chop. There's another chop. Jericho laying into him verbally. Edge reverses - slap! Chop! Into the opposite corner is reversed, but Edge gets the boot up! Edge runs in - Jericho sidesteps and there's the Flashback for 2! Right by Jericho. Now Jericho ties *Edge* into the ropes - no protection from the right hands - Jericho SHUFFLING! Another right. Jericho plays to the crowd and runs - but Edge is out and *Jericho* tastes the STEEL! Both men are down, so let's take another Foot Locker Replay. Jericho is to his knees and Edge is up as well - Jericho runs into a clothesline - Edge with another clothesline - into the ropes, but Edge hits the flying jalapeno! Edge with a shuffle of his own and there's his version of the faceplant - 1, 2, no! Jericho into the ropes - nobody home on the dropkick! Jericho's Lionsault meets the knees! Edge-o-matic! 1, 2, NO! Edge is up but just barely - he decides to try to climb over and out...Jericho to his feet - shot to the small of the back, again, climbing up to the second rope - right, right, superplex coming up - Edge right, right - Edge with a super Blowout! But he can't cover fast enough - 1, 2, NO! Edge up and waiting for Jericho to join him - gutshot, Jericho reverses, takedown, going for the Walls of Jericho! Edge fights it enough for Jericho to think twice, so he drops down and gives Edge a WOW Catapult into the cage wall! Jericho crawls to the cage door - two hands on the frame of the cage - half way out...Edge makes a desperation lunge and grabs an ankle - pulling Jericho back in, but Jericho grabbed his chair on the way in. WHACK! Jericho hooks the leg - 1, 2, NO!!! Jericho can't believe it - he covers again - again Edge is out at 2! Jericho shoves Chioda then grabs the chair again. Running start as Edge gets to his feet - Edge DUCKS - SPEAR! Leg is hooked - 1, 2, JOHNNY ACE! Edge is up to .2 Muta, which is usually enough to make the picture turn black and white on SmackDown! (har har) - but he's climbing to the top one more time. BUT THE DOOR IS RIGHT THERE - sure enough, Jericho is up from behind with the perfectly legal uppernut. Jericho to the top to join him - SUPER "BULLDOG!" That gets a Foot Locker Replay, you bet. Jericho pulls himself up by the ropes - and now HE has lost his mind because he's trying to *climb* this time. Jericho is up to the top and one leg is swung over - lying on the framework of the top of the cage. Edge finally makes it over and yanks on the hair until Jericho comes back over - Jericho on Edge's shoulders - SUPER ELECTRIC CHAIR DROP! That hurt Jericho from Edge's shoulders but Edge took that fall from the top rope and feels it just as much. Both men are finally stirring after a Foot Locker Replay. And now Jericho crawls to the door as Edge climbs to the top - over - Edge drops and gets the win! (we saw 13:14+) LANCE STORM is out, though, immediately followed by CHRISTIAN & TEST - three-way beatdown on Edge becomes a four-way beatdown as they put him back in the cage. Here comes JOHN CENA - managing Storm but not Test from behind. It's four-on-two - let's even it up with... RAYMOND STEREO? He scales the cage - PLANCHA FROM THE TOP OF THE CAGE onto Storm & Christian! Test tries a powerbomb but Rey punches from the top, then changes it into a huracanrana! Cena and Mysterio double dropkick Test! Christian gets a whip from Mysterio, into a back body drop from Cena. Right for Jericho by Mysterio - Edge puts Storm into the cage wall - as the Canadians go through the door, Jericho finally manages to make it over the cage wall to the floor, making me wonder why he couldn't do that during the match - ah well, play Rob Zombie!
Backstage, Kidman and Stephanie are watching all this on the Magic Window. Instead of asking him why he didn't go help anybody, Stephanie instead asks if he can fly like Mysterio. "Off the top of the cage? I can do that! That was awesome." Stacy interrupts to tell Stephanie that Eric Bischoff is in the parking lot! Stephanie runs off...
Back to the cage where Edge, John Cena and Rey Mysterio, "the future of SmackDown!" are posing in the ring.
Outside we go. "Bischoff! Bischoff, get the hell outta my parking lot. C'mon, Bischoff, get the hell outta there!" Bischoff emerges from the sun roof, DDP pose affixed. "Hi, STEPH. Good to see ya, STEPH. Did you get my flowers? Did you read my card? I told ya - SmackDown!'s loss...would be RAW's gain! I told ya I'd knock you out - did we knock her out? We knocked you, it was a jab, it was a right cross, it was an uppercut! And she's down for the count let's get the hell outta here seeee ya Monday at RAW! Again--" Bischoff's voice fades out. But here's Kurt Angle entering the frame, eventually standing behind Stephanie. "What the heck was *that* all about?" "Kurt! You're here!" "Yeah - SmackDown!" "Yeah, but - you were on the phone with Eric, and I've left you messages and no one could find you." "Yeah, my BROTHER Eric. And, messages? I turned my phone off, I was so mad after what Brock did tonight, I had to let off some steam, I was about to explode!" "Kurt...you weren't in that limo...then who...is?" Everybody makes faces, credits are up, we're out.
Well, I have my ideas about who it was, BROTHER, but we'll just wait until Monday to be sure.
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