TV-PG-DLV - Attitude - Entertainment - WW!

Opening Credits contain the following beautiful people not technically part of this show: Triple H, Taker, Trish Stratus, Rob van Dam (only standing on the apron for a People's Elbow clip), and Vince McMahon

REY MYSTERIO (San Diego, California - 175 pounds - with Let Us Take You Back to Last Week) v. TAJIRI (Japan - 206 pounds - with Charlotte Colesium Charlotte, NC and SAP transmitido en espanol) in a "cruiserweight match"
referee: BRIAN HEBNER
Hmm, that's two weeks in a row they've cut back on the "several thousands of dollars" of show-opening pyrotechnics - we're approaching "trend" and moving straight past it to "pattern" (or is it the other way round?) not to say I don't think it's a pretty good idea - pyro's so *played* after all. I don't know why ring announcer TONY CHIMEL introduced "the following cruiserweight match" but he did, so I'll try to keep track of that from now on as well. Mysterio scaled the cage and landed on Test and Storm last week - here's a clip! Mysterio doesn't let Tajiri in, hitting a baseball slide dropkick before the bell. On the apron - Asai moonsault! Rolled back in, the bell rings, over the top, head scissors by Mysterio. Into the ropes, reversed, Mysterio rolls underneath the clothesline, waistlock, standing switch by Tajiri, Mysterio up and over landing on his feet, ducks another swing, off the ropes with a body scissors into a bulldog takedown for 2. Tajiri reverses the whip into a short clothesline. Tajiri goes to work - stomp. Into the ropes, Mysterio slides under, catches the kick and backflips him - then lands a superkick! Give that a Foot Locker replay! Tajiri puts the throat on the bottom rope and the knee on the back. Stomp. Axehandle. Chop. Into the ropes, brought up...and let drop. Tajiri with a...wow, got me - they're back to back and Tajiri rolls into the backslide position - 1, 2, shoulder up - Mysterio with a headstand - now managing to pull himself up - and over with a sunset flip - Tajiri out at 2. Tajiri with the WOW Catapult but Mysterio goes over the top and lands on the apron - Tajiri tries a swing, blocked, right hand by Mysterio - springing up but Tajiri lands a kick in the face before he can do anything! Tajiri slides into a kick to take him to the floor. Tajiri from the apron with a double sledge to the small of the back. Back into the apron - back into the barricade - Tajiri back in...and out. Mysterio rolled in...Tajiri with a - wow, a bow and arrow wrapping him around the ringpost! Tajiri finally back in - leg is hooked - 1, 2, no! Head to the buckle. Scoop...and hung up into the Tree of Woe. Right hand from Tajiri - getting the running start on the slide - and connects! 1, 2, no! That gets a Foot Locker Replay as Tajiri stomps - then lands another blow to the small of the back. Back to the bow and arrow - looks like Tajiri's picked the back. Tajiri poses to the crowd - may be a waste of time. Mysterio into the ropes, tilt-a-whirl but Mysterio lands on his feet - ducks a swing - forearm, forearm, Tajiri fires back, Mysterio, Tajiri, Mysterio, Mysterio - into the ropes is reversed - Mysterio up top on the shoulders, but counters the powerbomb attempt by swinging out into a DDT! Mysterio slow to crawl to the cover - 1, 2, Tajiri kicks out! Into the ropes is reversed, Mysterio bounces up and over, but Tajiri leaps over the charge and there's the tarantula around the ropes! Tajiri breaks early. Tajiri winds up for the KICK - Mysterio ducks - double leg by Mysterio, rolls him up - 1, 2, no!! Tajiri whipped, no, reversed, and Mysterio IS caught in that powerbomb. 1, 2, NO! Tajiri can't believe he kicked out. Tajiri calls to the crowd - and gets some boos. Mysterio is out on his feet. Tajiri decides to give him some more - scoop...Mysterio behind, dropkick to the back - Tajiri hanging on the second rope - that means it's time for Mysterio to head to the ropes and swing into the 619! Mysterio is ready to finish him...springboard - Tajiri ducks - sunset flip attempt - Tajiri sits down - 1, 2, NO! Mysterio just slips out. Tajiri puts him into the corner - Mysterio up and onto the shoulders as Tajiri comes in - Tajiri shoves him off to the apron - Mysterio with a shoulder through the ropes - Mysterio climbing up but Tajiri also climbs and connects with a brain kick! Tajiri pounding on him - Mysterio punches back - both men on the second floor here - Mysterio shoves Tajiri back to the centre - Mysterio up top - FRANKENSTEINER! 1, 2, 3! (7:15) Give that a replaya!

Kurt Angle is WALKING!

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Here comes KURT ANGLE...he *does* get pyro, so it might be a good time to drop in that THIS is WWE SmackDown! coming to you from the Coliseum in Charlotte, NC 1.8.2 (taped 30.7) and airing on UPN and the Score - now hush up, he's got something to say. "First off, I would like to tell everyone...especially UPN executives - I'm sorry. I'm sorry for giving everyone such a huge scare last week. I mean, I realise...if you're a loyal SmackDown! viewer - the thought of Your Olympic Hero leaving the show - would be downright terrifying! I mean, not to step on anyone's toes - but if I were no longer on the show - there would be no reason to watch! Honestly!" They sure say "What?" a lot when he's out there. Is Austin on this show? I forget. (No, I don't forget, actually - I never forget - sigh.) "Now last week was just a big mixup - last week I had to leave the arena to let off some steam. Any why did I need to let off some steam, you ask? Because of the actions of a snot-nosed punk named Brock Lesnar! Brock Lesnar! 'The Next Big Thing!' Former NCdoubleA Champion! Whoopty damn do! I've been winning NCdoubleA Championships back when you were playin' Hungry Freakin' Hippos, buster! Now don't get me wrong, Lesnar - you've got a ton of talent. But let me ask you one question: where are YOUR gold medals? Oh, that's right, you don't have any, do ya? And you would actually come down into the ring last week and get me disqualified - and then had the audacity to tell me that my days of being the number one man here on SmackDown! are over?! Let me tell you something, you stupid cave beast....if you think you're the #1 man...then why don't you come down here right now and we'll SEE who the #1 man is...because you're lookin' at the #1 man - the #1 man is Kurt Angle, and I'm gonna kick your butt right now!" "Bla, bla, ga ga, wah, wah, wah wah, waaaah, bla bla, ga ga, bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla." That's YOU KNOW WHO. "Kurt Angle, why don't you shut - the hell - up?" Damn, stealing Jericho's face lines just 'cause he's (a) not on this show (b) not a face? "You know, Kurt - seeing how you missed most of last week's show, let me give you a little update right now. You see, while you were out whining and crying like a little baby, with your knees knocking together, just because Brock Lesnar happened to mention your name, I was out there tryin' to regain my tag team titles with my brother Rock when Brock Lesnar snuck up behind me and F-5'd my butt right in the centre of that ring, dude. The way things go, Kurt Angle, I suggest to you that you, my brother, leave that ring right now, because if anybody - if anybody is gonna wrestle Brock Lesnar tonight, it's gonna be Hollywood Hulk Hogan, brother!" Hogan rips his shirt and removes the boas. "Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa. This is a joke, right? YOU wanna face Lesnar. What are you gonna do - challenge him in a game of shuffleboard? Let me tell you something, Hogan, I'M facin' Lesnar - and if you have a problem with it, why don't you come down here right now and do something about it." Hogan is amenable! Down the aisle, up the steps, through the ropes...nose to nose... Well, here's another interruption. "Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa - whoa whoa..." It's STEFFO. "Gentlemen, if there's one thing I love, it's the competitive spirit - after all, that's what separates *my* show from RAW - because the most aggressive, athletic, entertaining superstars can ONLY be seen right here on SmackDown! That's one of the reasons why Brock Lesnar signed with me in the first place - to face the likes of you, Kurt, and you, Hogan. So since you all want to face each other, and in the very spirit of competition then tonight - In That Very Ring - it will be Kurt Angle versus Hulk Hogan - and the winner of that match will face one week from tonight the Next Big Thing Brock Lesnar! Good luck, gentlemen." "Wait a second, Steph - hey, that's fine. Me vs. Hogan? I have no problem with that. Because I'm gonna do the same thing I did at King of the Ring - I'm gonna make the Immortal Hulk Hogan tap out. And Hogan, just because I feel a little sorry for you, I promise...I'll make it quick." Hogan pulls him back - right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, into the ropes, head down - Angle kicks - Angle off the ropes, Hogan dumps him to the floor! Cook up that Voodoo Chili!

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Commentators shill UPN's "Haunted"

Catch a glimpse of that Charlotte Coliseum!

Stephanie McMahon is WALKING! We follow her to her office...where Eric Bischoff is perched on the couch. She's taken aback that he's around, but quickly moves into screechy mode. "Just because we're competitiors doesn't mean we can't be friends." Stephanie says they can never be friends because...she doesn't like him very much. Bischoff says he'd be really, really upset if that was true. At first he thought he'd be at an advantage competing with a McMahon, what with the business being in her blood and all...but the current jump count stands at five to one. Stephanie yells "Security!" until we actually hear ECHOES. Bischoff says he loves her peaches. We follow Darrell the Security Guy Who Stephanie Fails to Fire, Bischoff, and Stephanie. One last thing: Bischoff wants to know what the main event is. "Oh, my main event? Edge and the Rock. Too bad you won't be able to see it." Wow, Darrell has a real "Smoove B." look to him, you know?

Damn, that was a really short (nothing) segment

Heeeeeeey the Extreme Blast of the Night is rocked by JVC's Tower of Power! Blah blah blah let's see it okay! From last week, Brock Lesnar runs in and gives an F-5 to Mark Henry and Hulk Hogan on separate occasions.

KING BROCK LESNAR (Minneapolis, Minnesota - 295 pounds - with Paul Heyman) v. THE WORLD'S STRONGEST MAN MARK HENRY (Silsbee, Texas - 353 pounds - with Old School Inset Interview)
referee: MIKE SPARKS
HEY! Did someone say "Old School Inset Interview?" "Brock Lesnar's been in the ring with a lot of big and strong guys. But he made a mistake last week jumping me from behind. Let's see how he fares this week when he has to go face to face with the World's Strongest Man." Big staredown. Lesnar fails to say "I will break you." Lockup! Stalemate. Onsale crawl. Lesnar goes behind - waistlock - no movement - forearm in the back - side headlock - Henry powers out, Lesnar shoulderblock - nobody moves! Henry dares him to try that again - so Lesnar fakes it, then clotheslines Henry when he plants. HA! That was cool. Lesnar breaks into a mini-happy dance, then hooks the leg for 2. Stomp, stomp, forearm in the back, again. Irish whip into the corner actually WORKS - Lesnar with a shoulder in the gut. Wants the snap suplex but Henry's pretty big - Lesnar to the ribs and another attempt is aborted - Henry picks *Lesnar* up - half hour suplex!! Hooks the leg - 1, 2, easy kickout. Lesnar on the second rope - Henry over the back and outside with the Chocolate Moose! Henry back in - right hand - right hand - into the opposite corner - double choke...Lesnar rakes the eyes to cut it. Lesnar pulls him out of the corner - BELLY-TO-BELLY OVERHEAD! Got him on the back - Key on My Keyboard and just like that, it's all over - 1, 2, 3. (2:43) Lesnar does the happy dance on the apron before heading back up the ramp with Heyman right behind. Let's take a replay of that suplex...and the F-5. Henry is STILL having some trouble getting up...

Backstage, camera follows Heyman and Lesnar as they are WALKING! They find Hogan. "You know, I just wanna let you know, I hope you beat Kurt Angle tonight. Because I really, REALLY wanna face the Hulkster next week on SmackDown!" He pats his shoulder. "Good luck tonight - brotha." Camera follows them down the hall...and after they walk by Billy and Chuck, we stick with them. Why should they bother staying on SmackDown! if the titles aren't there? "Why even bother being a team then?" "Oh, so now all of a sudden you're a big star, huh? You don't even need me anymore?" Rico's joined. "Boys - boys! Stop all this nonsense talk! I mean there's no greater tag team than Billy & Chuck. Yeah, well I know the WWE titles have gone to RAW. You know, and I understand your frustration. But it's all gonna work out. Trust me!" "Whatever." "You know what, I've been carrying you since you GOT here, so you don't say NOTHING to me..." They walk off arguing. "I said trust me! It's gonna work out! Guys, I said trust me!" Hearing a ruckus, John Cena pokes his head out. "And what's that goofy smile on your face for?" "It looks like your boys are in a little bit of trouble." "Trouble? Well the only one in trouble around here is you, John Cena. Yeah, I mean - look at that hair! That hair alone is worth an hour of ridicule. And that horrible colour scheme? I mean, puh-leeze! And you know what I find amazing? These women out here, screamin' for you in these arenas. Yeah. Well maybe they're just screamin' outta sheer corner. Hahahahaha!" "Eh-hee hee hee! Hey listen. You're a stylist. Lemme ask you a style question." "Shoot." "The look you're goin' for - now what is that - is that Liberace meets the Wolfman?" "And what are you implying?" "Hey man, I'd....awooooooooooo!" Rico tries for a slap - but Cena catches his arm. "Well...I was just tryin' to..." Cena stops short on HIS slap attempt, making him flinch. Cena laughs and heads off. Rico pouts and heads off - we follow...he bumps into Angle. "Get out of my freakin' way, what the hell's wrong with you?" So we follow Angle...who runs into Heyman and Lesnar. "Hey hey, Kurt! I've been lookin' for ya, little buddy. You see, I just wanna let YOU know - I hope YOU win tonight, Kurt - because it's YOU I wanna face next week on SmackDown! Good luck tonight, Kurt..." Angle backs away, not letting him out of his sight. Well, I guess it's impressive that they did all that in one shot, but....I mean, you really have to be into the backstage stuff, don't you? I mean, that was almost a full minute longer than the Lesnar/Henry match, for crying out loud!

Live events coming up! Saturday, miami! Sunday, Richmond! Monday, RAW in Baltimore! A week from Friday, Kelowna! Saturday, Kamloops! and Sunday, Vancouver! I'm *very* confused because not all these clips were from one roster.

KURT ANGLE (already in the ring - Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania - last week's "Philadelphia" was a typo so stop writing me - 237 pounds) v. HOLLYWOOD HULK HOGAN (Hollywood, California - 285 pounds)
referee: Hebner
Well, he stand up next to a mountain - he chop it down with the edge of his hand. This should be above average! "Hogan" chant already. We go! Lockup...Angle gets a step, but Hogan shoves him away. Hogan displays his muscles! We go again! Lockup, again Angle gets a step, and again Hogan powers him off. This time, Angle ducks the collar and elbow, single leg trip, and floating over to a headlock. Hogan has some trouble getting to his feet...and Angle immediately applies the arm wringer - another twist - Hogan twists back - twists - pounds on the elbow. One more turn - Angle is the first man to go to the illegal closed fist with a right hand, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right - into the ropes is reversed and Angle goes down to a clothesline. A second clothesline from Hogan. Right, right, right, into the ropes is reversed, Angle wants the hiptoss but Hogan ain't moving - another attempt blocked - one more block - HOGAN with a hiptoss - and clotheslines Hogan out of the ring!! Hogan is out after him...winds up for the big right hand. Head to the barricade. Right. Angle meets the ringpost. Hogan breaks up the count with an in-n-out. Angle's head into the STEEL steps. Angle back in the ring, Hogan back in. Angle's head meets the buckle, again, again, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine...Hogan winds winds winds up and waits for Angle to stagger - right punch is TEN! Hogan takes too long, and Angle is resilient - barrelling Hogan into the corner - shoulder, shoulder, shoulder, shoulder, shoulder, right, right, right, right, stomp, Angle falls to his knees - that took a lot out of him as well. Angle is back up first...now outside to the floor - elbow to the heart! Angle puts some more into his second elbowdrop! Angle back in - right hand and Hogan is TIMMMMMBER! "Hogan" chant starts up again as Angle tries for the suplex - block - block - it's *Hogan* with the suplex! Angle ducks a swing - right, clothesline by Angle - hooks the leg - 1, 2, no! Angle decides to use the shortcut - Hogan choked on the second rope with a knee in the back. Head to the buckle by Angle - right, right, right, kick, kick, kick, kick, right, right, right, gives Hebner a look - how dare he try to enforce the rules - Angle winds up - Hogan blocks! Right, right, right, Angle rakes the face to stop it...and hits a death suplex! 1, 2, no! Angle applies a headlock. Hogan to his back - Angle's two feet to the rope. Hebner fails to catch him. Angle again applies the leverage - Hebner misses it a second time. I have a feeling Angle will run into problems if he tries it again...but we don't find out - as Hebner checks the arm, Hogan doesn't let it fall...and wags his finger! Hogan back up - elbow to the gut, elbow, elbow, but Angle lands a knee, right, side suplex! But Hogan pops back up, feeling no pain! Hogan right, right, right, into the ropes, big back body drop, bodyslam, elbowdrop, elbowdrop, elbowdrop, cover, 1, 2, but Angle kicks out! Angle again rakes the face to turn it back - but Hogan ducks the clothesline, Hogan right, right, right, into the ropes, big boot...is CAUGHT - Angle with a leg trip - and GRABS THE ANGLELOCK!! Hogan isn't quite in - rolls to his back and kicks Angle off! Angle right, right, whip is reversed, big boot DOES connect - Hogan calling to the crowd...off the ropes, but Angle is up - gutshot - OLYMPIC SLAM! Leg is hooked - 1, 2, NOOOOO! Hogan just got the shoulder up! Angle is showing some frustration - and DOWN COME THE STRAPS! ANGLELOCK!! Hogan is close to the ropes - and close enough as he grabs the bottom rope...Angle pulls him back to the centre! Will Hogan tap out again? The arm is up...no, Hogan on his fists - Hogan rolls to his back and kicks Angle away again - ohhh into Hebner and down he goes! Angle decides to take advantage, going outside for the STEEL chair...but Hogan kicks the chair into Angle's face! Off the ropes - LEGDROP! NO REF! 1....2....3....4.... ohhh and now KING BROCK LESNAR is out - Hogan punches him off the apron! Angle from behind - WHACK! OHHHHH HEBNER SAW IT!!!! Hogan gets the duke! (DQ 10:22) Angle pleads and pleads but he's got no arguments that'll work. So he turns back to Hogan - stomp, stomp, stomp...oh oh...Hogan is hulking up - right hand, no, right hand, jackhammering, right hand, Hogan is up, forearm in the back, no, right hand, YOU, right hand is blocked, right by Hogan, right, right, into the ropes, big boot! Off the ropes - Lesnar ankles him!! *Lesnar* in the ring - F-5! HAPPY DANCE! PLAY HIS MUSIC! That gets a replay.

The WWE Burn of the Night is brought to you by Stacker 2! From last week, Rikishi has his manly way with Albert

RIKISHI (already in the ring - American Samoa - 350 pounds - with TV-PG-DLV ratings box) v. REVEREND D-VON (Dudleyville - 246 pounds with Batista - and Sunday house show hype)
referee: Sparks
Later tonight, Rico takes on John Cena! D-Von punks him out to start, right, right, right, right, right, right, right is blocked - 'kishi right, right, right, right, into the corner is reversed but 'kishi pops out with a clothesline. He wants to sit on him but D-Von is outta there. 'kishi blocks, misses, blocks, right, right, into the ropes is reversed, Batista grabs the ankle - 'kishi turns round - D-Von runs at him but 'kishi shoves him over the top and into a collision with Batista! 'kishi out - "Iblockyourhandyoudon'tblockmine" for Batista, right for D-Von, D-Von in - Batista holds the drumstick long enough for D-Von to land a legdrop to the back of the head. D-Von pulls him outside - right, right, head to the STEEL steps, pulls back the padding on the barrier and rams 'kishi into it. Sparks is up to three so D-Von decides to break the count. 'kishi put back in the ring - D-Von on the second rope - legdrop HITS!!!!!! 1, 2, 'kishi gets the shoulder up! Stomp, stomp, right hand to the back of the head, right, into the ropes, reversed but D-Von ducks the clothesline and hits a jumpin' back elbow. D-Von climbs the corner again - this is a bad idea - swandive headbutt MISSES sure enough...and D-Von ends up with his head in 'kishi's nether regions. D-Von snaps out of it quickly but can't get out from under, so to speak. 'kishi up - catching D-Von in a Samoan Drop, gutshot, DDT - dragging him to the corner...but now Batista is in - but he eats a RIKISHIKICK! and 'kishi wastes no time hitting the Rump Shaker - all I wanna do zoom a zoom zoom zoom in your boom boom - 1, 2, 3. (3:24) Post-match, D-Von takes the fat ass splash, flumps, and just before we get the stinky face, Batista is up from behind - BELLY-to-belly - and D-Von *does* hit his headbutt for the first time in....umm, the history of SmackDown!, sure, why not. Play his music 'cause D-Von's GOTTA DANCE

Stephanie interrupts Stacy's makeup session and chews her out for letting Eric Bischoff into his office...into the SmackDown! arena. "I didn't know, I'm sorry." "Stacy, are you really that incompetent? I give you a job last week, and this week Eric Bischoff infiltrates my arena?" Stephanie promises that Stacy will suffer the consequences if Bischoff ever shows his face again. "Do I make myself clear?" "Yes." "Thank you." Still, after Stephanie leaves, Stacy purses her lips into a grin...

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And now, the WWE Slam of the Week - brought to you by Reebok - I mean, Rbk! >From Velocity, we take highlights of the Noble/Kidman cruiserweight title match - whoa, Velocity has highlights?

JAMIE NOBLE & NIDIA are making out in the ring when we return. "Nidia! I want you to look at all this North Carolina TRASH! Baby, I sure am glad we won this here cruiserweight championship so I can finally say once and for all that we're better than each and every one of you no-class rednecks! Now you see here folks, my woman Nidia, she kept the finest, neatest trailer in all the Carolinas - but now, she's a rich woman and she don't have to worry about that kinda thing no more! Hell - she's almost ROYALTY! But no, no, they don't treat us like we're royalty - no, they talk about us like we're pure common white trailer trash! Hell - I might as well be a Tarheel! But that's all about to change right now, c'mere girl." They go outside. "You see this here? This is Michael Cole - and that - well, that's Tazz, but we don't mess with him 'cause he's one of them there street thug kinda fellers. Michael Cole, now he's the announcer - he talks about the matches, he makes the wrestlers look good and all that stuff. And Michael Cole, I've noticed, and you fess up, boy - I seen you eyeballin' my woman. I caughtcha lookin' at her, and I know you want her. Well tonight's your lucky night, boy - go on, girl - you get across there - you give him some sugars - you show him a good time!" Nidia removes her outer shirt and climbs over the table. Cole is aghast - what's she doing? Tazz: "Well, I think she's mounting you - and now she's..." She unbuttons his shirt to reveal his hairy chest! "Huh you like that boy? Huh you like that?" Michael begs off, his wedding ring in clear view. "No I don't like it!" "Go on, baby - give him some lovin' like you do me - then maybe he'll talk about us like we're royalty and all that stuff. Maybe he'll say somethin' good about us!" Nidia, meanwhile, is putting her mouth all over everything of Cole's that's exposed - and that's probably more of a word picture than you need. "See, that is what you gotta do around here - you gotta get these announcers to talk about you like you're somethin' special - like you're, somethin' good aboutcha. Speakin' o' good, huh, is that good, Michael Cole - you like that, boy? Huh?" Tazz offers a Life Saver - hahahaha. "Peppermint, Cole?" "C'mon, baby - do that trick with yer tongue like you do me - jam it down his throat!" "With her tongue? OH MY GOD." Tazz rules - I can only imagine how much this would suck with Lawler involved. "Whoa whoa whoa, that's enough - get over here, woman - get over here - 'cause all these PERVERTS are likin' it too much! Hey hey hey hey - look, Cole, I'm sorry I had to git mah girl off you, but you can blame all these people! They try to give 'em a little foreplay and they turn it into a porno movie, 'cause they're PERVERTS! You look here, boy, you better start talkin' real good about me 'n' Nidia - cruiserweight championship and all - and I'll make sure that we come back, and I'll make sure she gives you some lovin' - not too much, but just enough, Cole!" Nidia shows off her tongue stud. "You see, baby? You stick with cruiserweight champion Jamie Noble, and it ain't nothin' but the big time for me 'n' you!" And they french. Cole finally manages to get out that he's a happily married man.

Backstage, Kidman, Holly, Awesome (whoa - Mike Awesome is back on SmackDown!) and some guy in a KISS shirt watch a tape of Shawn Michaels being loaded into an ambulance. Stephanie turns off the monitor. "What am I doing? What the hell are YOU guys doing watching RAW? Eric Bischoff was in my office, he was in the arena earlier tonight, he's gonna try to recruit each and every one of you...and you're watching his show? You're doing exactly what Bischoff wants. You know what I wanna know is why you guys aren't watching SmackDown! - YOUR show. You wanna know why you're not in any main events? Because you don't pay enough attention to your own product. And who the hell are you, anyway?" The guy we don't know slinks off. "I better not ever see anyone ever watching Bischoff's show RAW ever again." Okay, first of all, why would they need to WATCH it when they're ON it? Okay, put that aside. Shouldn't STEPHANIE be watching the show? I mean, if she DID, she would have seen Stacy make that strange smile after she left and God knows WHAT else!

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TONIGHT: The Rock vs. Edge! I guess it's nontitle?

JOHN CENA (baby blue and white - West Newberry, Massachusettes - 249 pounds - with SmackDown! is brought to you by "Martin Lawrence Live: Runteldat," Lugz, and Clearasil!) v. RICO (236 pounds - with RAW hype)
referee: JIMMY KORDERAS
Oh man, listen to Cole try to say "Runteldat." Rico spits in his direction, so Cena tries to get at him - Korderas holds him back long enough for Rico to hit the ring and give him a big martial arts kick. Slap! Gutshot, kick, kick, kick, kick. Climbs to the second rope for a kick to the head. Big clothesline! Knee lift, knee, knee, kneelift puts Cena on his back for 2. Cena finally manages a shot in - forearm, forearm, Rico gutshot, pumphandle...to a back kick? Wow. But he walks into a spinebuster and Cena gets 2. Superkick by Rico! Rico playing to the crowd and climbing up - moonsault...MISSES! Cena with a clothesline, dropkick, into the ropes, tilt-a-whirl slam - hooks the leg - 1, 2, no! Into the ropes, reversed, Cena ducks, Rico with a nice dropkick of his own. But Cena manages a small package for 2! Rico drops an elbow - another elbowdrop, off the ropes with a cannonball. Winds up for the roundhouse kick - Cena ducks - Protobomb (I think) - 1, 2, 3! (2:14) Cena decides Rico hasn't had enough, though - picks him up and gives him the SLAP back - but now BILLY & CHUCK are out from behind with a doubleteam stompdown. Billy stops Chuck from stomping, instead directing Cena onto Chuck's shoulders - Billy to the top for a big clothesline. Everybody's friends again, I guess...well, except Cena.

Your hosts are MICHAEL KING COLE & TAZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ. Edge has been on a major roll...can he beat Rock tonight?

But now THE WIFESWAPPER is back, making his way through the crowd...he's got a ticket in hand, and he offers a front row fan $500 to swap seats with him. GEE - too bad these shows aren't SOLD OUT anymore, har har har. What's he got in mind? Come back after the ad break!

Confidential continues to take a look at Eric Bischoff - this week: "the demise of WCW!" Oy.

When we come back, Bischoff is leading a "watch RAW" chant from his seat.

Just before the main event introductions begin, out saunters STEFFO. Yeah, we haven't seen enough of EITHER of these guys tonight, eh? "Tonight...oh, oh I'm sorry. Is that you? Is, is that Eric Bischoff, the general manager of RAW? The very man that I kicked out of my arena earlier? Eric, that is very clever that you came down and you purchased your own ticket - let's, let's give it up for Eric, I mean really - he's such a hell of a guy. Now Eric, I might have confused you earlier and obviously I confused our ring announcer but tonight is not Edge *versus* the Rock - rather it is the TEAM of Edge and Rock...facing my newly acquired RAW talent...ladies and gentlemen, Latino Heat Eddie Guerrero and the new intercontinental champion, Chris Benoit!"

EDDIE GUERRERO & CHRIS BENOIT v. AD BREAK - Stephanie kisses the air in Bischoff's general direction, angering him enough to hop the rail and run headlong into SECURITY. "Get that man outta my building! Get him! Who's losing now, Bischoff? Buh - bye bye. Bye!" Bischoff screams "I WILL knock you out!" until we finally fade to black

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EDDIE GUERRERO & CHRIS BENOIT (already in the ring) v. EDGE (Toronto, Ontario - 241 pounds - with Foot Locker's House of Hoops presents SummerSlam!) and THE ROCK (Undisputed champion - Miami, Florida - 275 pounds)
referee: MIKE CHIODA
Rock doesn't get too far scaling the second corner before Guerrero axehandles him from behind - Benoit takes care of Edge at the same time and we're underway. Right hand by Guerrero, right, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, right, right, right, right, Rock right, right, right, right, into the ropes, reversed, but Rock faceplants him - Guerrero runs into a Samoan Drop for 2! Guerrero rakes the face - tag, right, right, Benoit kicks, doubleteam kicks, Benoit kick. Whip is reversed, clothesline by Rock. Whip attempt is reversed into a gutshot by Rock, into the ropes, belly-to-belly throw! 1, 2, Benoit is up. Rock right, into the ropes, reversed, Guerrero from behind - Rock turns around and punches HIM to the floor, but he turns back to take a death suplex from Benoit! Is Benoit's nose bleeding? Stomp. Head to the buckle. Tag to Guerrero - Benoit holds him, kick, kick, Guerrero kick, kick, kick, elbow, stom, stomp, choke on the second rope. Chioda warns him but has little effect - Guerrero knocks him down again and tags out. Benoit puts Rock in the corner - chop! Chop! One more chop! Chioda and Benoit have a discussion - Rock has the chance - right, right, right, but off the ropes, Rock runs into a Benoit elbow. Tag to Guerrero, who immediately covers - 1, 2, no. Stomp, stomp, stands on him and spins. Guerrero making a lotta noise..but off the ropes, Rock presses him up and lets him drop. TAG TO EDGE! Edge on top - clothesline! Right for Benoit, right for Guerrero, whip of Benoit is reversed but Edge hits the flying jalapeno! Monkey flip for Guerrero! Spear in the corner! Benoit into the opposite corner and HE gets a spear! Guerrero's clothesline ducked - Edge-omatic - 1, 2, Benoit breaks it up!! Guerrero takes Edge to his corner and tags in Benoit - held open for the kick. Edge into the ropes, Benoit buries the knee and Edge flips. Into the corner sternum first. Benoit with a chop, right hand, Guerrero holding Edge this whole time and now choking him while Chioda has his back to him. Benoit right, right, tag. Edge tries to fight back - right for Benoit, back elbow to Guerrero, right to Benoit...but Benoit manages a drop toehold and Guerrero is in with his trademark slingshot senton! Cover - 2! Stomp, right, elbow, elbow, elbow, elbow, elbow...Guerrero going for the deathlock, leaning into Edge's back. Edge screams in pain...but grabs the bottom rope. Guerrero sits on him. Tag to Benoit. Open kick. Backbreaker. 1, 2, no. Benoit tries again - 1, 2, Edge is out. Edge kept in the unfriendly corner. Stomp by Benoit. Benoit feeds the "Rock E" chant a bit. Another stomp. Right hand. Edge rammed to the buckle - no, blocked, and BENOIT eats the buckle! Guerrero tries an apron run clothesline and Edge ducks that, punching HIM out! But Benoit grabs the waistlock and hits one - two - three German suplex AND a bridge - 1, 2, NO! Benoit argues the count. Benoit puts on a half crab, almost Liontamer style with a knee on the neck. Edge manages to finally turn to his back and kick away Benoit - only to have Benoit drop an elbow on him. Dragged to Guerrero and there's the tag. Guerrero stomps. Suplex coming up - make that a delayed BRAINBUSTER - 1, 2, no! Stomp. Measured the right hand. Tag to Benoit. Held for the gutshot - they sit Edge on top - Rock thinks about coming in but only manages to distract Chioda - meanwhile Edge is fighting back - back elbows for Guerrero, rights for Benoit - Benoit tossed to the canvas - Guerrero suplexed onto Benoit - off the top with a sunset flip for Guerrero - misses but Guerrero sells like a champ - 1, 2, NO! Guerrero pops back up, Edge ducks the clothesline and they collide with crossbody blocks in midair. Three men down and Rock is beyond ready for the tag. Edge crawls to the corner...but Benoit shoves him off the canvas with an elbow! Edge put in the unfriendly corner, right, right, right, right, right, Guerrero right, elbow, elbow, head to the buckle, right, right, right, right, right, climbs to the second rope, right, right, right...Edge takes him out with a powerbomb!! Both men are down and out - Rock just now pulling himself back up off the floor...Guerrero rolling to Benoit - tag to Benoit - HOT TAG TO ROCK! Block, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, NOW KISS THAT RIGHT! Guerrero is in - Guerrero is out over the top! Rock ducks the clothesline, gutshot, DDT! Rock hooks Benoit's leg - 1, 2, Guerrero JUST saves! Guerrero stomp, stomp, stomp, stmp, stomp, stomp, stomp...but Edge is back up - SPEAR! Tries to spear Benoit - but rams the post!! Benoit back over to Rock - who nips up! Rock right, right, right, right, right, into the ropes, spinebuster! Guerrero gets ROCK BOTTOM! Rock waits for Benoit to get up...waits...waits...well, there's KING BROCK LESNAR on the stage with a STEEL chair - Rock turns to face HIM and Benoit is up from behind with the CRIPPLER CROSSFACE!! Lesnar is down to ringside to get the best view in the house - Rock's eyes widen - Lesnar gets happy - Rock won't tap - Lesnar starts to wonder - but now Rock screams - he's not gonna reach the rope...AND HE TAPS OUT!! Benoit just made the champ tap! (12:59) Lesnar has a big grin - he won't need the chair tonight. He backs up the ramp and makes the international "I want da belt" sign. But at the top of the ramp...YOU KNOW WHO is out with a chair! WHACK! WHACK! Hogan dares him to get up - then doesn't bother waiting and WHACKs him again! Credits are up and you'll have to wait until next week to see the next part of THIS confrontation!

CRZ
[slash] wrestling