TOMORROW'S UPN MOVIE
TV-PG-DLV - Attitude - Entertainment - WW!
Closed Captioned logo - Opening hey wait
I GET LETTERS: The Cubs Fan chimes in one more time: Just to for completeness sake:
Cubs Fan, you are Beautiful People.
HARDCOPYRO - coming to you from the Crown Coliseum in Fayetteville, NC 22.8.2 (taped 20.8) and SAP transmitido en espanol on the United Paramount Network (and the Score), this - THIS - is WWE SMACKDOWN! SummerSlam is three days away and you better believe it buddy
KING BROCK LESNAR & IT'S ALL ABOUT PAUL kick things off - call it a CRAZY HUNCH but I believe Heyman will speak, while Lesnar hops up and down from foot to foot! "I - I would like you to consider the fact...because, I assure you my client (the Next Big Thing Brock Lesnar) is aware of these facts - he is the #1 Box Office Attraction in World Wrestling Entertainment. The biggest star in the history of SmackDown! The single most sought-after commodity in Hollywood - the #1 action star in Hollywood today - he's on the cover of People, they feature him on Entertainment Tonight, he is the Undisputed Heavyweight Champion of the entire World. With a fan following that is without question, second to none." "Rock E!" Even Lesnar picks up the chant. "And while you people may think that I'm talking about The Rock...every single thing that I said used to apply to *Hollywood Hulk Hogan.* A legend, a god, an icon whose career is now...DEAD! Dead, I might add, at the hand of the Next Big Thing Brock Lesnar. And while you boo Brock Lesnar because of your jealousy, and while you jeer Brock Lesnar because no one can do a damn thing about it, the fact is, just like Hulk Hogan's career is now over, the very same thing will happen to The Rock this Sunday on SummerSlam!" Man, Heyman talks NICE and slow - a transcriber's DREAM. Thanks, Paul! "But ladies and gentlemen, my client has a gift for you this evening, because my client wants The Rock to have just a little taste of SummerSlam, so before tonight is over...we personally guarantee you that Brock Lesnar and the People's Champ, the Rock, will collide tonight!" "Paul...you know what I smell? Do you know how I feel? Paul, I feel the same way I felt the night I fought Hulk Hogan! I'm gonna make The Rock cry like a little (BITCH)!" If ya smell and out interrupts THE ROCK. I have a feeling he MAY talk just a *bit* more rapidly, but at least I can guess his first phrase ahead of time: "Finally, The Rock HAS COME BACK to Fayetteville!" Oops, he didn't say it - or they edited it out. Dammit! "Night after night after night, The Rock has come out here and he's told you to bring it. After all your talk, after all your hype, all your talk, all your hype, so far your big jacked up monkey (ass) has brought NOTHING! But you see, tonight - tonight will be a night like no other. Oh no no no, The Rock says you didn't hear - tonight will be a night like no other! Tonight, no Just Bring It, no Stick it up your candy asses, no Smell what the Rock is cookin', and quite frankly, Brock Lesnar, seein' as you flat out REFUSE to bring it to The Rock, well The Rock will just have to bring it to you!" Pause for chant. "You say that before the night is through, The Rock and Brock will collide - well then The Rock says, as far as he's concerned...this night is already through." Belt down, glasses off, mic tossed aside...but he doesn't get very far down the ramp before EDDIE GUERRERO & CHRIS BENOIT punk out Rock from behind...while Lesnar enjoys it. Benoit locks in the crossface while Guerrero continues to stomp away - the cartload of REFEREES is out but not having much luck getting them separated. Lesnar making the internaional Just Bring It sign! FIT FINLAY & JOHN LARIN - LAUR - JOHNNY ACE come out and finally pull Benoit off - Benoit gets in a good shove that puts Finlay on his rump before we fade out...
Go away "Serving Sara!"
Go away stupid racecar drivers meeting the Tough Enough 2 trainers for the MILLIONTH TIME what do they just FORGET what Kenny's DONE to them EEEEEVERY TIME AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Damn, it's too early for the ads to be getting to me
MOMENTS AGO! Cole calls Benoit & Guerrero "scavengers" but they look more like carnivores to me. Looks like Rock didn't tap tonight, I should note
DURING THE BREAK! Sparks and Chioda helped Rock back - while behind him in the ring, Heyman raised Lesnar's arms to the sky
Edge is WALKING! But Guerrero and Benoit punk HIM out as well - OH NO NOT INTO THE KLANGY POLES!! Benoit holds him back for Guerrero to smack him up. The refs and officials (who shouldn't lose Benoit & Guerrero, looks like) again arrive a bit late.
THE HURRICANE & SHANNON MOORE (410
pounds) v. JAMIE NOBLE & TAJIRI (406
pounds - with Nidia)
Stephanie is WALKING! She looks like she's gotten too much sun - or too much "faux tan" - she finds Guerrero & Benoit. "I wanna talk to the two of you right now. What are you thinking? What are you thinking attacking Rock right before SummerSlam? Do you realise you could have jeopardized the entire SmackDown! main event at SummerSlam? Let me make it clear to you, okay? If The Rock can't compete in the main event, then you two will have a dramatic pay cut." "Whoa - last week, you wanted me to make The Rock tap. You wanted me to make The Rock SQUEAL." "Benoit...BACK OFF! And you're right. I did ask you to make The T- The Rock tap. I DID want The Rock to squeal...in a competitive match! I wanted you to send a message to RVD and to Bischoff that you will remain the intercontinental champion. But tonight, the two of you without even asking me, you go and you attack The Rock, you try to intentionally injure The Rock. Now Bischoff screwed up Monday night by havin' The Rock in a match, Triple H almost broke one of his ribs, but tonight - SmackDown! - this is my show. It's on my head, and I *will* protect the SmackDown! main event at SummerSlam. And Eddie, what's with this whole attacking Edge thing? Just because you have a match with Edge at SummerSlam--" "Hey that vato got into my--" "--doesn't give you the right to OHHHHH!" Edge comes in and chairs Benoit in the back...then walks up to Stephanie. "I suggest you make a tag team match tonight - Benoit & Guerrero...against me and The Rock." "Well I suggest...your match is made." Is she showing fear, or...ah hell, she just can't act and let's leave it at that
When we come back, Hardy, Hurricane and Moore have gathered backstage. "...reaction I got when I hit the ring tonight. You know what, that was ten times louder than last week's was! And you guys even got a good reaction when Shannon pinned Jamie, but man, MY reaction - it was off the charts." "Hometown boy." "Hometown boy? Are you sayin' the only reason, the ONLY reason that I got that reaction was because we were in FAYETTEVILLE, NORTH CAROLINAAAAAAAAAAA...is that what you're saying? Man I get that reaction every day, everywhere, any place in the world. Fact of the matter is, I'll bet you money if I go out there right now, my reaction'll be double. You wanna bet?" "Sure." "'cause those people got LOVE for me. Here I go, watch this." Camera follows Hardy as he walks through the tunnel and to the tech guys. "Hey guys, hit my music." "What?" "Hit my music, I'm gonna do my thing."
MATT HARDY is out to pose, head down the ramp, hit the ring and climb all four corners. But at corner number four, his music stops and instead we hear that of CHAVO GUERRERO. "Take it, take it easy holmes, huh? (something in Spanish) Now I don't know who you think you are, wastin' everybody's time tryin' to suck up to all your homies out here...you think you get such a great reaction? Well listen up, white boy! Let's see what kind of reaction you get after you get done losin' to me, Chavo Guerrero!" He hits the ring - Hardy blocks, right, right, right, into the ropes, back elbow - Mike Chioda hits the ring and it's on...
MATT HARDY v. CHAVO GUERRERO - Hardy fistdrop, into the corner, climbs up for a Ten Punch Count Along and gets nine...backs up and there's ten. Guerrero reverses the whip, head down, Hardy kicks - but Guerrero manages a drop toehold through the ropes to the floor. Guerrero out after him - stomp - driven into the mat, rolled back in, slingshot into the press. Euro uppercut, stomp, stomp, stomp, stands on the face. Guerrero stays on him with a forearm, Hardy comes back with a right, right, right, right, into the corner, elbow up by Guerrero - Guerrero with a death suplex for 2. Hardy right, right, Guerrero knee - hey OCTOPUS! Hardy manages to start a reversal, so Guerrero rolls him up - 1, Hardy rolls through and reverses - 1, 2, no. Guerrero ducks a clothesline, double clothesline and both men are down. Both men up at the same time, Hardy with "Iblockyourpounchyoudon'tblockmine," Guerrero right back with a right, Hardy right, right, right, into the ropes, big back body drop...headlock takedown, 1, 2, no. Whip into the corner is reversed, but nobody's home on the knee attempt. Hardy runs into a boot - Guerrero leaps but Hardy catches him and delivers the Side Effect - lax cover, 1, 2, no! Right by Guerrero, Hardy ducks the next swing and gives Guerrero a sidewalk slam. Hardy going up for the ahhhhhhhhdrop - and hits it. Calling for the "Twist of Fate" - gutshot - but before he can deliver, the Kane pyro hits and everybody in the ring is surprised. We read the same message we read Monday (read the RAW report) and when we finally come back to the ring, a surprised Hardy gets rolled up in a schoolboy for 1, 2, 3! Man...these days, guys NEVER win at home, do they. (4:15) Hardy is suitably stunned - commentators are quick to point out that Hardy could have won the match earlier but for his grandstanding. Hardy calls over Chioda and we eavesdrop. "What do you think you're doin'?" "What?" "I did not..." "...your shoulders were down, Matt, that was three!" "That wasn't a three, everybody in here knows that if an explosion goes off in the building, the match automatically ends, it ceases, it stops, it's over!" "It was three. Matt, that was three. Your shoulders were down." "This is North Carolina! This is my hometown, Mike." "It was three, Matt." "Mike, they love me in Fayetteville!" "Your shoulders were down, it was three." "This is the biggest travesty since Earl Hebner screwed Bret Hart in Canada - you screwin' Matt Hardy in North Carolina..." we cut from here to
"This is FUNAKI. SmackDown! Number One - announcer. When we come back, I take you to a place - NO MAN - has ever been before. Inside ooman's lockeroom. After this commercial break - stay turn!" Funaki covers his mouth with glee as we zoom in on the sign of the EXCITING DOOR! "Women's locker room"
SummerSlam spot - Brock - Rock - 3 Days Away!
Catch the WWE live! Saturday, Albany; SummerSlam is SOLD OUT in Long Island; Monday is New Haven; and Tuesday is Moheegan Sun!
"Okay! This is Funaki - SmackDown! NUMBER ONE announcer. I am going to take you to a place no man - NO MAN! - has even been before. Inside ooman's lockeroom - let'sgo - let'sgo - let'sgo!" We find Nidia getting dressed. "Hi Funaki!" "Hey Needia." "Funaki, what are you doing?" It's Molly, full clothed, plus curlers. "Funaki doing three part series from inside ooman's locker oom!" "No! You've gotta get out of here. I could have been getting changed!" "Yes! Yes! That's where the story lies! Yes!" "Nidia, doesn't it bother you that Funaki's in here with a camera?" "Bother me? Absolutely not. I LOVE the camera." Funaki, you should leave. I have a championship match to prepare for!" "Don't leave, don't listen to her. Besides, Funaki's here to admire my breasts, aren't you Funaki?" "I - like - Needia's - breasts!" "What is WRONG with you? You're disgusting! How can you live with yourself, being so...LOOSE?" "Ha ha - loose? No no, no, Miss Molly, got me all wrong - I'm not loose - I am OPEN...and I'm not afraid to show what I got. I have an idea." "What?" "You're defending the title against me tonight, aren't you?" "Yes, I am." "Well, when I pin you and become the new WWE Women's Champion, the title isn't the only thing I'm gonna raise over my head." "Excuse me?" "I am going to celebrate my win by taking my shirt off and exposing my bare breasts to everybody in this arena." "Ugh! You are such a pig! Well...you're not gonna beat me, so you won't have a chance to expose your...uh!" Nidia shows off her bra. "Funaki - loves - SmackDown!"
Your hosts are MICHAEL KING COLE & TAZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ. Tazz: "I find myself - PULLING - for Nidia!"
Backstage is Rey Mysterio. "Michael, I'd like to say that I can NOT wait until SummerSlam. But you know, a lotta people look at me, and they look at Kurt Angle, they see a big difference - then again, I pinned Kurt Angle two weeks ago in that tag match, so...I think I've proven that I can hang with the Olympic Hero." Angle joins Mysterio at this point. "Heh... I think you tied that mask on just a little too tight." "Uh, no." "Oh yeah. Hang with Kurt Angle." "Yeah." "Hang with Kurt Angle." "Yeah." "Heh...hang with Kurt Angle. I mean, does the reality in which the rest of the world exists not reach you down there, little fella? Huh? How 'bout if Your Olympic Hero gives you a little dose of reality? See, tonight - all you have to do is, I don't know, sit back, relax...grab a high chair OR a booster chair, or whatever it is you need to see a monitor - 'cause tonight, Your Olympic Hero has requested a match with your fellow cruiserweight Billy Kidman." "Mmm!" "Just to show you exactly what you have comin' to you at SummerSlam." "Me?" "Oh yeah...which is a beating - that's gonna make you wanna run for the border. ... Oh, and by the way - if you even try to pull that crap you pulled last week...if I even see your face - if I see that mask out there - yeah, your mask out there when I'm out there wrestling in my match...rest assured, I will not only make you tap at SummerSlam...I promise - I will break your freakin' ankle. Oh, it's true...it's damn true."
Fleer WWE trading cards ad
And now the Whack of the Night, brought to you by smooth, tasty tobacco! From Last Week, Rey Mysterio makes Kurt Angle turn black and white
KURT ANGLE (Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania -
237 pounds - with SmackDown! is
brought to you by Whacko Tobacco, Foot Locker, and Blockbuster!) v. BILLY
KIDMAN (Allentown, Pennsylvania - 215 pounds)
Saturday on Confidential - Brock Lesnar!
Take a look at the Crown Coliseum - and the TV-PG-DLV ratings box!
Rock is with the trainer - checking on that rib again
Here's a Special Video Look at the Brock Lesnar Workout - I'd really be into this if I were gay. But I'm not. My loss. YIKES he's sitting in an ICE BATH - that's COLD! No WONDER his nipples look like that - what, what are you looking it? Did you know SummerSlam was only 3 Days Away
Rock dismisses the trainer with thanks - and now Edge pays him a visit. "Hey, Rock. You all right?" "Yeah! Yeah, yeah, I'm all right. Yeah, I'm all right. Other than Benoit puttin' the crossface on me again, that damn Eddie Guerrero doin' the Macarena all over my ribs. Other than that, I'm cool man, I appreciate it. Thank you." "Yeah well...they jumped me too. Benoit & Guerrero, they're out of control right now." "Outta control? Outta control, they're gonna get their monkey asses whooped tonight! The Rock and--" "Whoa, whoa - whoa whoa - what about SummerSlam? I mean, what about your ribs?" "The Rock's ribs? The Rock's ass! The Rock's got hurt ribs, big deal. It's no big deal at all! There is no quit in The Rock - no quit in me, my friend, no, no, no no, no way. The Rock says this, you go ahead and take out The Rock's ribs, fine, take off one of The Rock's arms, he'll fight you with the other arm, you take off one of The Rock's legs, The Rock will hobble, and hobble, and hobble, and keep hobbling, and whoop their monkey ass with the other leg, eeeeasy, big fella, eeeeasy. Oh yeah. You go ahead and you can take off one of The Rock's testicles, The People's Testicles, oh yeah, The Rock'll take the other one, throw it way up into the air, keep watchin' it, damn! That's a good-ass testicle, The Rock'll take his boot, shine it up real nice - excuse The Rock - (catches the testicle in his mouth, spits it out) - turn that sumbitch sideways, and--" "And stick it straight up, Benoit and Guerrero's cannnnnndy asses!" Then Edge waggles his tongue. They share a grin. "Hey, c'mon man, let's go!"
Good Lord, I thought we were DONE with "Van Wilder" ads - now I gotta watch "Van Wilder" *DVD* ads?
GET READY FOR the WWE Boot of the Week, brought to you by Lugz. Get ready to break it down LUGZ STYLE 'cause THE STREETS ARE OURS! From last week, Paul Heyman gets a stinky face
RIKISHI (American Samoa - 350 pounds)
and JOHN CENA (West Newbury,
Massachusetts - 249 pounds - light blue and black) v. REVEREND D-VON &
BATISTA (541 pounds - with Let Us Take You Back to Last
Commentators hype the "Pledge to Participate Tour" - Monday at Federal Hall on Wall Street in NYC - 10am - lots of folks will be there!
Jamie Noble & Nidia are WALKING! Stopping by an old fat guy, Noble has her show him her tits. Aww, that's nice.
The WWE Rewind is brought to you by New Balance at Foot Locker! From last week, Nidia gets the duke against Torrie Wilson - thanks to a little help from Jamie Noble
WWE WOMEN'S CHAMPIONSHIP: NIDIA
(challenger - with Jamie Noble) (with
SummerSlam at The World hype - Noble & Nidia host!) v. MOLLY HOLLY
(champion - Mobile, Alabama)
TONIGHT: The Rock & Edge vs. Chris Benoit & Eddie Guerrero!
SummerSlam spot (Michaels)
GUYS GUYS HE ALREADY TRICKED YOU ONCE DON'T FALL FOR IT AGAIN - man, it's like Stacker 2 erases short-term memory!
Commentators shill "Buffy the Vampire Slayer"
Here comes STEFFO, presumably to show off her blue top and giant breasts. "Thank you all for coming to the greatest show on television today - SMACKDOWN! Now whether Eric Bischoff likes it or not, what SmackDown! has to offer SummerSlam this Sunday night FAR outweighs the contributions of Eric Bischoff's RAW - and that's why I'm out here tonight - to guarantee all of you loyal SmackDown! fans that at what will probably be the GREATEST SummerSlam in history, it will be your very own SmackDown! superstars who STEAL the show!"
SummerSlam package - Triple H vs. Shawn Michaels (oops, not SmackDown!), Ric Flair vs. Chris Jericho (oops, not SmackDown!), Un-Americans vs. Booker T & Goldust (geez, maybe they should have re-done this), Kurt Angle vs. Rey Mysterio (finally!), Undertaker vs. Test (uhhhhh), Edge vs. Eddie Guerrero (&c.), Chris Benoit vs. Rob van Dam, aaaaaand The Rock vs. Brock Lesnar. THREE DAYS AWAY DIG IT
EDDIE GUERRERO & CHRIS BENOIT (Intercontinental champion) (464 pounds - with Foot Locker House of Hoops presents SummerSlam!) v. BACKSTAGE, LESNAR & HEYMAN WATCH A MONITOR & AD BREAK
EDDIE GUERRERO & CHRIS BENOIT v. EDGE & THE ROCK - Edge foolishly decides to rush the ring without waiting for Rock, clothesline for Guerrero, right for Benoit, right, right, right, Guerrero from behind to turn it. Doubleteam stompdown until Rock's music hits - clothesline for Guerrero, right for Benoit, right, right, right, clotheslines him out of the ring, Edge right on Guerrero, right, right, Guerrero right, Edge, Guerrero, Guerrero, gutshot by Edge, right, right, into the ropes is reversed, Guerrero tries an Austin press but Edge blocks and takes him down instead - now dropping down into a WOW Catapult into Benoit! Edge off the ropes with another clothesline on Guerrero - 1, 2, no. Edge right, right, Guerrero pulls Edge into the turnbuckle and starts with the left-right-left-right on his kidneys. Right. Pulling him out with the elbow, elbow to the back of the head, tag to Benoit - Benoit with a kick in the ribs, head to the buckle, chop, elbow, chop, kick, kick. Referee Chioda steps in for a moment and that's all Edge needs to reverse - open-handed slap, chop, into the opposite corner reversed by Benoit, but Edge pops out with a clothesline. Flapjack gets Edge 2. Guerrero tries to taunt Rock, then after bringing him in and distracting Chioda, helps Benoit out on a doubleteam. Benoit stomp, stomp, tag, holds him for the slingshot senton. Stomp. Stomp. Boot to the head. Guerrero has some words for the crowd - right, right, right, elbow to the back of the head, into the ropes, back elbow. He tells Rock to kiss it (he learned that from Hogan!) - Edge into the ropes, reversed, Edge ducks under but Guerrero kicks the knee. Snapmare, spins on his face, tags Benoit. Open shot by Benoit - and a backbreaker gets 2. Lesnar & Heyman still watching, I know *I* was worried! Benoit pulls him up by the hair - Edge tries a shot, but Benoit's got more on his - Edge put on the second rope - kick by Benoit - pulls aside Chioda and Guerrero lays into Edge. Rock tries to come in but Chioda DOES see *that.* Guerrero wants the suplex but Edge lands on his feet - so Guerrero rares back with his elbow instead. Guerrero off the ropes, Edge ducks, collision in the middle and both men are out. Guerrero heads to the wrong corner - but eventually rolls to a tag of Benoit - but Edge makes the HOT TAG to The Rock! Block, right, right, right, right, right, into the ropes is reversed, Rock ducks, gutshot, DDT! Guerrero in, Guerrero out, catches the kick, dragon screw legwhip into the Sharpshooter!! But it isn't in long as Guerrero clocks Rock from behind. Guerrero doing a little bragging - and missing Rock's nip up! Rock bowls him over with the spinebuster...and here's the People's Elbow! Guerrero's not legal but Chioda counts anyway - 1, 2, Benoit breaks it up just in time! Benoit pulls Rock all the way outside - elbow - dropped on the commentators' table - into the ringpost. Rolled back in - cover - 1, 2, Rock shoots the shoulder up. Benoit measures a kick. Kick to the ribs. Another kick, same place. Kick. "Rock E!" Kick, kick, kick. Tag to Guerrero - HE kicks the ribs - shoulder in the ribg, shoudler, shoulder, snapmares him over, cover, 1, 2, kickout. Guerrero has a spring in his step - stomp. Kicks the ribs. Right is blocked - Rock right, right, right, off the ropes, but eats a BEAUTIFUL dropkick! Tag to Benoit who covers - 1, 2, no. Benoit with a right hand. Into the kick in the gut - another kick to the ribs. Into the ropes, buries the knee and Rock flips. Benoit shoves Edge off the canvas - and locks in the crossface on Rock! Rock makes the bug eyes! Rock slowly inches to the side...and grabs the bottom...no, he's out - also, Guerrero is pulling the bottom rope out of reach! Arm falls once - arm falls twice - arm does not fall thrice! Rock gets the second wind and, after Chioda tells Guerrero to get off the rope, DOES grab it. Hold broken (station identification), Benoit stomps the head, pulls him to the centre and AGAIN applies the crossface! But this time, Edge is back up - hits the ring and stomps on Benoit to break it up - Guerrero in and Edge forearms him - Benoit shoves Edge to the outside and he's down again. Stomp. Tag to Guerrero - cover - 1, 2, no. Scoop...and a slam. Guerrero's feelin' froggy - goes up top...but Edge sweeps out the leg and Guerrero crashes and burns on the mat! Now we have two men down and two men wanting to tag...Guerrero grabs Rock's ankle...but Rock dives and makes the tag! Edge with the clothesline! Clothesline! Benoit gets one as well! Guerrero into the ropes, big back body drop! Half nelson faceplant! Benoit gets a gutshot, put into the corner and Edge gives him the shoulder - over to Guerrero but he sidesteps the shoulder - Edge stops himself before the ringpost, gutshot for Guerrero, Edgecution! 1, 2, Benoit saves! Rock is back up and on Benoit - right, right, right, right, right, right, into the ...no, pulled back into Rock Bottom! Edge spears Guerrero - and covers - 1, 2, 3! (11:46) But now KING BROCK LESNAR is in...and here's a big, big staredown. Rock wants Edge to leave the ring ("I got him") ...and he complies. Words are exchanged - Rock asks for what we hope is the final time for him to Just Bring It - and here we go! Lesnar winds up but it's blocked - Rock right, right, right, Lesnar knee! In the corner, shoulder, shoulder, shoulder, shoulder, shoulder, shoulder, shoulder! Rock clutches his ribs. Lesnar wants to get a running start...but Rock suddenly pops up with no problem - right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, NOW KISS THAT RIGHT and Lesnar goes over the top to the floor! PAUL HEY, MAN is at ringside and pulls Lesnar back - that'll be it for tonight. Play Rock's music! Credits are up and Lesnar wants da belt! COLE CAN'T WAIT FOR SUMMERSLAM! AND NEITHER CAN YOU!!!
Hey, you know what would be neat? Brock wins when the ref has to stop the match.
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