UPN MOVIE OF THE WEEK
IS: "The Wood"
TV-PG-DLV - Attitude - Entertainment - WW!
Brock Lesnar finally gets the celebration we didn't see when
they cut off the show on Sunday - also, Heyman voiceovers his Doink laugh
Opening Credits are Beautiful, People!
NORO - coming to you from Moheegan Sun's Arena in Uncasville, CT (win big
wampum) 29.8.2 (taped 27.8) and SAP transmitido en espanol - who needs
pyro when you've got STEFFO?
It's SMACKDOWN! You know, maybe they should
say something like "she's taking the pyro money and using it to give
bonuses to good workers" or HAAA sorry I smarked out for a minute there.
But you know they COULD say "she gave the pyro budget money to Brock
Lesnar!" but they never seem to take advantage of logical extensions like
that. Do they? Mic time for the screech: "Welcome to SmackDown! - home
of the Undisputed WWE Champion Brock Lesnar. Now it's too bad that
Bischoff's #1 Contender's match last Monday night on RAW doesn't really
mean anything, because the Undisputed Champion Brock Lesnar is exclusively
here for all of you - on SmackDown! Which begs the question - who *is*
the #1 Contender to face Brock for the Undisputed title? It's certainly
not Triple H - he's a RAW Superstar. No, it's gonna be someone here on
SmackDown! and we're gonna find out who it is tonight. Now I've asked
everyone to be dressed, ready to compete - because starting right now,
we're gonna have a single elimination style series of matches, with the
winner of the last match being named the #1 Contender to face Brock Lesnar
for the Undisputed title - and we're gonna start RIGHT NOW!"
YEEEEEEEEEEEEEAH MY DURANGO
EDGE v. ? -
"Wooo! I'll scream if I want it - and ladies and gentlemen,
Edge's opponent - one of the first superstars to sign from RAW to
SmackDown! just for the competition, the Latino Sensation, Latino Heat
I hope you didn't pay for SummerSlam to see this match,
folks, 'cause people who spend money on pay-per-views are SUCKERS. (Hey,
I paid to see Shawn Michaels, dumbass.) Oh. MY BAD. Guerrero rushes the
ring and here we go - lockup, armdrag by Edge, armdrag, wants the
faceplant but Guerrero to the side, again, death suplex, stomp, elbow to
the shoulder, again, right, suplex is countered, Edge punches, shoves him
into the ropes, flapjack, ducks the swing and hits the faceplant - 1, 2,
Guerrero kicks out. Guerrero offers the Hand of Friendship - Edge pulls
him into a short-arm clothesline. WOW they're going fast - Guerrero
crawls and hugs referee "Blind" Jimmy Korderas but there's no sanctuary
there. Edge advances, and as Korderas gets out of the corner, his back is
turned to Guerrero...wait, he DOESN'T cheat - he just kicks the back of
the leg. I THINK that's still legal. Guess he just took advantage of the
shield, okay. Kick, kick, forearm across the back of the head, punches
the shoulder, elbow, head to the buckle, kick, kick, kick, kick kick kick,
right, Guerrero takes time to say a word in Spanish - I don't understand,
but I saw it in a film one time spoken by the leading man. Pulls out Edge
for another forearm. BIG European uppercut puts Edge down. Guerrero is
SHUFFLING! Kick. Head to the buckle. Pulls him out, whip is reversed,
but Guerrero meets him with an elbow. Nice snap suplex and floats over -
1, 2, Edge kicks out. Guerrero applies the Kunze armbar and again, he's
targeting that shoulder. Edge doesn't give it up - everybody back to
their feet. Another big elbow. Edge tries to fire back with a right,
another right, and Guerrero dropkicks the knees. Stomp. Suplex is
blocked - and Edge suplexes Guerrero over the top to the floor!! This
might be a good time to note the makeover given to the ring - the ropes
are still blue, but they're attached to silver ringposts, and the aprons
and steps are also silver. By burying this deep into the match
description, I've ensured that NOBODY will read it - then six months from
now, someone will ask "say, how come CRZ never said anything about the
silver ringposts?" and I'll get very righteously indignant and stuff.
Oh, the life I lead sometimes. Edge decides to climb up the corner - Tazz
thinks this is a bad idea - Edge off the top to the floor - but connects!!
Both men are down - Korderas eschews a count to make sure somebody will be
able to get back in - it's Edge rolling in Guerrero - going up top again
but Guerrero is ready this time - right, right, climbing up after him,
orale, SUPERPLEX!!! But Guerrero is slow to cover - crawls to drape an
arm on him - 1, 2, NO! Guerrero pulls up Edge - replay here. Elbow,
right, elbow, elbow, elbow, elbow - into the ropes, reversal by Edge -
brings him up...and lets him drop. Edge with a shot - and a POWERBOMB!
Unfortunately, that was all he had - neither man is getting up - Korderas
is already up to four and neither man is moving. Five. Guerrero pulls
himself up using the ropes. Six. Seven. Both men up. Guerrero tries to
reverse as Edge comes in but Edge blocks - right, right, right, into the
ropes with Guerrero, big back body drop! Clothesline! Clothesline!
Guerrero swings and Edge ducks - Edge-omatic! 1, 2, Guerrero kicks out!
Edge brings him up - right hand. Death suplex but Guerrero flips out -
swing and a miss - Edge HITS the death suplex on second try! Edge scales
the buckles - he's poised - he's got it! Missile dropkick! Guerrero shot
into the corner - there's the shoulder in the corner! He's still not done
- gutshot - lifts him up for a suplex but Guerrero lands on the apron and
immediately drops, giving Edge a hot shot. Guerrero finds himself outside
and you can see the wheels start turning - grabbing a chair, check that,
two chairs, he heads back to ringside, places one chair against the ring
and slides the other one in - where Edge grabs it. Is he trying to get
Edge disqualified intentionally? Korderas wrests the chair from him when
he rares back - and while he puts the chair out of the ring, Guerrero
holds up the SECOND chair, meeting Edge's spear - all behind the ref's
back. Guerrero needs to be sure...or add injury to injury - FROG SPLASH!
1, 2, 3! (7:53)
And this is just the FIRST match in this tournament!
Guerrero now adds the insult - and grinds his boot into Edge's face for
measure. Here are your replays. Who will Guerrero's next opponent be?
Unforgiven spot - it's all Brock Lesnar, baby
Stephanie - is - WALKING! She's stopped by Matt Hardy. "Steph! Hey!
You hear that?" "What?" "They love me in Moheegan Sun! Anyway, the #1
Contender series? Golden idea." "Of course!" "So obviously I'm next to
face Eddie Guerrero, correct?" "Actually, Matt, you're not. The next
competitor in the #1 Contender series - the man who will face Eddie
Guerrero will be...Rikishi." "Well, cool - well then it's obvious - I'll
face the winner of the Rikishi/Eddie Guerrero match. Right?" "Well,
we'll see, Matt - we'll see." "Well, I'm ready!" And he starts warming
JOHN CENA (blue/white - West Newbury,
Massachusetts - 249 pounds - with
Unforgiven onsale hype) v. REVEREND D-VON (Dudleyville - 247 pounds - with
Let Us Take You Back to Last Week)
tosses his coat at Cena, then pops him after the distraction - right,
right, Cena right, elbow, kick, right, into the roeps, hiptoss, dropkick,
off the ropes with a faceplant - no cover but D-Von rolls away - makes him
miss in the corner and hits a neckbreaker to turn it around. Stomp,
right, right by Cena, clubbing blow by D-Von - kick - head to the buckle,
right, block, Cena right, right, right, but D-Von pops the eyes.
Headlock - shot to the throat (that ain't Christian!) - suplex, off the
ropes and drops the elbow - cover - 1, 2, no. D-Von dares him to come
back, so he does - Cena right, elbow, elbow, kick, right, into the ropes,
reversed, nice powerslam by D-Von - 1, 2, no. Cover - 1, 2, no. I miss
D-Von's white boots. Jawbreaker! "Get up, boy!" Forearm to the back.
Chop - Cena right, D-Von mauls him down. "Who's the man?" Scoop...no,
Cena goes behind, spins him into the gutshot and swinging fishermanbuster
(he stole Saturn's move)! Cena coming back - clothesline, clothesline,
off the ropes, flying jalapeno, off the ropes with ANOTHER flying forearm
smash, 1, 2, no! Atomic drop and a big'un. Off the ropes - but D-Von
comes right back with the jumpin' back elbow. D-Von going to the top?!
This'll never work. Here he comes - swandive headbutt MISSES! Cena with
the Oklahoma roll - 1, 2, Hebner probably could've got 3 but didn't.
Cena shoves him to the corner and climbs up - right left right right -
D-Von out with an atomic drop - kicks the back of the leg, inverted
gourdbuster - 1, 2, 3. (4:45)
Maybe he'll dance - oops, BATISTA is out -
clothesline! And there's a big, big sitout powerbomb. Hey he has music!
They're playing it! So is he a face, or just a heel who hates that other
heel? Also, remember when Cena beat Jericho?
Here's a Special Video Look at Rey Mysterio - he's NEXT!
Ah, hell - a new Stacker 2 ad. This one's got Bubba Ray Dudley and just
*like* it's ephedra-free. Well what the hell GOOD is it then - wait,
isn't Bubba a RAW guy? Ahhhh I gotta million of 'em
REY MYSTERIO (San Diego, CA - 175
pounds) v. RICO (Las Vegas, Nevada - 236
pounds - with Billy & Chuck)
behind, Rico reverses, full nelson, gutshot, scoop...but Mysterio lands on
his feet - off the ropes and Billy tries to grab him, distracting Mysterio
- Rico tries to get the run on him but he upends him over and to the
floor! Billy and Chuck check on their stylist...then put him back in the
ring - Mysterio decides to use Rico as a launching pad, leaping off his
back onto Billy and Chuck! Sparks puts Mysterio back inside...then tosses
Billy and Chuck for good measure. Back to the ring for a one on one -
Rico with a right - biiiiig death suplex. Stomp. Head to the buckle,
into the ropes, head down, kick by Mysterio - up top - Frankensteiner down
- into the ropes is reversed, Rico with a tilt-a-whirl but again Mysterio
lands on his feet - ducks the swing but Rico snaps a kick to the back.
Dragon sleeper applied...swung up onto his shoulder from that...then
thrown down with a side slam - nice. Stomp, stomp, head to the buckle,
right, right, right. Mysterio tries to get in a shot, but Rico is back
with a right hand, whip into the opposite corner, gutshot, snap suplex,
holding on and there's a second - Rico wants a third...or does he?
There's a delay - then throws Mysterio between his legs into a powerbomb!
Cover - 1, 2, no! Can't keep him down, so Rico goes to the blatant
choke...for 4. Stomp. "Rico sux!" "You shut up! I do not! Oh yeah?"
That'll show 'em. Right hand. "I do not suck!" Right. Mysterio back up
with a right on the distracted Rico, Rico immediately back with a right,
Mysterio right, Rico spin kick, steps over into a spin kick to the chin -
nice. Into the ropes, Mysterio ducks, Rico brings Mysterio up - catches
him on the shoulder - and powerslams him down. Rico's bringing a lot of
moves to the table which surely means he has no chance in hell of winning
- perhaps all this primping between moves will contribute to his downfall.
Rico finally climbing the corner - now up top - moonsault....MISSES!
Mysterio comes back - seated dropkick - whip into a gutshot - off the
ropes - body scissors into the bulldog gets 2. Into the corner is
reversed, but Mysterio is up and on the shoulders, then pulling the head
into the turnbuckle. Out to the apron - springboard into the split-legged
moonsault - yep a DOUBLE springboard - gets 2! Pull up the reply while
Mysterio stays on him with - nope, Rico sneaks one in - into the corner,
Mysterio up and onto the shoulders, but THIS time Rico blocks the
headscissors takeover and gives Mysterio a backbreaker. Rico winds up for
a roundhouse kick, but Mysterio DUCKS it and dropkicks him in the back!
Rico winds up somehow in perfect position for the 619, so of course,
Mysterio gives it to him. It's quickly becoming academic - springboard -
West Coast Pop 'rana - 1, 2, 3. (5:33) Replay, yep.
Back to the Stephcam where Hardcore Holly has her cornered. "Steph, it's
like this. *I* deserve to be in the #1 title contender series. I'm
Hardcore Holly, nobody TOUGHER than me, nobody MEANER than me. It doesn't
matter to me if it's Mr. Macarena Eddie Guerrero. It doesn't matter to me
if it's Blubberbutt Rikishi. I deserve to be in the #1 title contender
series!" Meanwhile, Dawn Marie has appeared. "Miss McMahon - Miss
McMahon, that phone call you've been waiting for? They're on the phone
right now." "Thanks, Dawn. Bob, I'm really sorry - we have to take this
up later." She disappears, leaving Bob to hit on Dawn. "A phone call.
What PHONE CALL is more important than Hardcore Holly? There's no phone
call more important than me!" Damn, he didn't kiss her or NOTHIN'!
Did you know Chris Benoit's theme is on the "Forceable Entry" CD? Well,
we don't hear it long. Here's a voiceover: "For my entire life, I've been
denied - but I WILL not deny myself. I've torn ligaments, shattered
bones, broken my neck, but those aren't the scars that feed my anger and
fuel my rage. Keep your praise, your music videos, your cliches - they
mean NOTHING. The pain, the anguish and the torture I go through was hell
- and for my enemies...now it's your turn. I was born to hurt, and you
will FEEL MY PAIN." AVAILABLE NOW
"Hulk Still Rules" DVD ad
Take a look at the Moheegan Sun casino!
Let Us Take You Back to Last Monday for the first stop on the Smack Down
Your Vote - wait, I did this clip during RAW
Stephanie's on the phone and presumably not minding that we're watching.
"No, I understand. I saw the way you were treated on RAW last Monday
night, and I guarantee you the same would NOT happen here on SmackDown!
... No, Dawn can deliver the papers right now. You're in the hotel,
right? It's connected to the Arena. She's on her way - how is your
suite, by the way?" Knock at the door - Matt Hardy is in uninvited.
"Hey, Stephanie - Stephanie - am I still facing the winner of the Eddie
and Rikishi match? I gotta face Brock!" After mouthing "shut up" to
Hardy a couple times, Stephanie turns her attention back to the phone.
"No, I'm sorry, that's nothing. Listen, all you need to do is just sign
the papers and give them to Dawn. ... Yes, no, then then - hello?
Hello?" Hardy's hung up the phone. "I gotta talk to you, Stephanie!"
"You stupid son of a--" "Look, this is important, I've gotta talk to
you!" "You have NO idea what's important! Ohh....God." "This is
important, it's my life!" "It *is* your life." "Yes." "It will be your
life tonight, because tonight, in a nontitle match, you wanna face Brock
Lesnar so bad, you've got him!" "Yes! YES! That's all I need, that's
the first step. Yes!" "Get out!"
stands backstage with Keesh.
"Good. Because after being F-5'd a few weeks ago, I got some unfinished
business to take care of with the Next Big Thing - and I'm talkin' about
pinnin' Brock Lesnar 1, 2, 3 - you see, givin' him a PIECE - of the KEESH.
But before - hey, what?" Guerrero is in hysterics. "Hahahaha - ahaha - a
piece of the Keesh - ese, ese vato I mean come on, man you're funny,
holmes. What are you talkin' about ese vato, takin' on Brock Lesnar? Oh
oh oh wait a minute, wait a minute, ese - I get it - (something in
Spanish) - in other words...your diaper - it's a little too tight, don't
you think, holmes? It's kinda cuttin' the blood, circulation, ese to the
head? Oh oh oh, wait a minute, wait a minute...that's your (ass). And
speakin' of that, holmes...pull your HEAD out of it. DON'T DISRESPET ME,
ESE! Tonight, you're gonna take on Latino HEAT - not Brock Lesnar." "Yo
ese - how do you say, in Spanish....Back that (Ass) Up?" Everybody leaves
- except Loyd, who makes a face
Fozzy ad - remind me to bring you up to date on the sales numbers on
And now, the WWE Boot of the Week, brought to you by Lugz! I am BREAKING
IT DOWN! From Earlier Tonight, Guerrero advanced by virtue of sneaky
trick and frog splash
#1 CONTENDER SERIES: EDDIE GUERRERO
(already in the ring - El Paso, Tejas
- 228 pounds) v. RIKISHI (American Samoa - 350
Lockup, jostling for position, Keesh shoves him away. Lockup, side
headlock by Guerrero...Keesh powers out, shoulderblock is by Keesh, which
deviates from the ol' standard formula, but makes sense. Keesh with
"Iblockyourpunchyoudon'tblockmine, right, right, into the corner, follow
lariat - Guerrero flumps and it seems a BIT early for that, but Keesh is
in - but Guerrero slides under his legs before he can properly situate his
backside. Keesh blocks again, right, right, scoop but Guerrero is on his
feet - and dropkicks the knees. Stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp,
stomp, stomp - hmm, looks like he's targeting the left knee. Up and over
the top and making sure to get the left knee on the way down. Kick - knee
into the steps - rolled back into the ring as Chioda gets to 6 - stomp.
Grabs the leg and applies a modified anklelock, trying to torque the knee
- Keesh uses the good leg to kick him away, but Guerrero is right back
with a stomp to the left knee - 1, 2, no. Guerrero winds up for a kick to
the back of the leg. Kick, kick, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp,
stomp, right, right, right, blatant choke. Chioda not having much luck
holding him back. Stomp, stomp, stomp. Keesh fires back - right, right,
block, right, into the ropes - Guerrero foolishly tries for the sunset
flip, then wisely evades the big sitdown. Guerrero looks like he's seen
something he surely didn't want to see. Recovering, he hooks the leg for
2. Guerrero back to the ankle as we take the replay. Guerrero works on
twisting the knee at an unnatural angle - Keesh grabs the hair and Chioda
won't let him do it. Keesh with a chop, chop breaks the hold, one legged
man, he is - Guerrero right back to kicking the back of the knee. Right
hand, right, right. Guerrero stokes the crowd...then runs in - but
nobody's home! Keesh right, right, into the ropes, axe bomber, standing
powerbomb - Guerrero into the corner and Keesh into Guerrero - into the
opposite corner, this time Guerrero ducks the onslaught, but Keesh stands
ready - RIKISHIKICK! Hooks the leg - 1, 2, 3! Holy smack!
Almost immediately, CHRIS
BENOIT is out and on him - double sledg, kick,
kick, kick, forearm in the back - DEATH SUPLEX!! Stomp, stomp, stomp,
Guerrero joins him for a doubleteam stompdown. Benoit directs him to the
top as he continues to stomp. Guerrero is feeling froggy and ready -
Benoit has turned him on his stomach - FROG SPLASH! Benoit adds a
crossface as soon as Guerrero's off of him - Guerrero back to stomping.
Time for a save to be made, and it's EDGE answering the call - Guerrero
takes "Iblockyourpunchyoudon'tblockmine," right, right, stomp, Benoit gets
a right and clotheslined out - lunges at Guerrero but he's outta there.
YEEEEEEEEEEEEEAH MY DURANGO
"Baseball sucks and WWE don't" spot
TV-PG-DLV "Hey Benoit! Chris - it's obvious by what you just did to
Rikishi that you're even more mad at yourself for losing the
intercontinental title to RAW than I am. So you really wanna take out
that anger? You really wanna take out that aggression? Then I'm entering
you into the #1 Contender Series - let's see how you do one on one against
Rikishi. You're next." "He's done - he's DONE!" No kisses yet
TAJIRI (Japan - 206 pounds - with Jamie
Noble & Nidia) v. SHANNON MOORE
(Cameron, North Carolina - 195 pounds - with Hurricane...and Let Us Take
You Back to Last Week)
Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeey it's Moore's SmackDown! singles debut! Kick by Tajiri,
arm wringer, pounds the arm, hammerlock - Moore reaches back for the
takeover - Japanese armdrag (I think), armbar, pounds the arm, into the
corner reversed by Tajiri, Moore up and over, superfluous backflip, arm
drag, viscera, 2. Moore stays on him - whip is reversed, Moore ducks,
swung up - and Tajiri hangs him out to dry on the top rope - big
clothesline down after he makes it back to his feet. Stomp, stomp, onsale
crawl, snapmares him over, BIG kick between the shoulder blades. Tajiri
applies the headlock. Moore eventually back to his feet - gutshot,
gutshot, forearm in the back by Tajiri. Moore down the back on the scoop
- to the ropes, Tajiri shakes him off, then FLATTENS him with a superkick
as Moore tries to run in. Moore placed on top - Tajiri kicks the back of
the head, kicks, squeals and dropkicks the back of his head - 1, 2, no!
Two more quick shots in the back. Tajiri signals to the crowd - BIG ol'
uppercut kick. Snapmares, him over, again we have a headlock - forearm in
the back, again. Mount, right, right, right, cover, 2, no. Tajiri climbs
the back and applies the...camel/cobra clutch combination! Wow, CCCC. No
submission, so Tajiri drapes him over the second rope and puts his knee on
the back of Moore's head. Stomp. Tajiri slaps him in the face - and
again to put him on the mat - 1, 2, foot on the rope! Scoop...and a slam.
Squealy kneedrop gets Tajiri 2. Tajiri back to the headlock - is Moore's
lip busted open? Crowd comes alive - Moore back to his feet - elbow,
elbow, Tajiri with a forearm in the back. Moore right, right, right,
right, right, right, slap, chop, chop, into the ropes is reversed, Moore
slides under - standing switch by Tajiri, brings him up but Moore
backflips and lands on his feet, Moore ducks, off the ropes with the back
elbow, off the ropes with a somersault neckbreaker, 1, 2, Tajiri kicks
out! Moore puts Tajiri in the corner, but Tajiri puts ihim on the apron
as he comes in - BUT Moore grabs the hair and puts Tajiri down on the mat!
Moore up top - leaps off and looks like he hurts HIMSELF more with the
Frankensteiner, but still covers - Tajiri in the ropes but Sparks counts
1, 2, no. Tajiri right back with a kick. Into the ropes, handspring
elbow attempted but Moore meets it with a catch - Tajiri flips out of the
German suplex and folds up Moore with a German suplex of his own - bridge
- 1, 2, no!! Tajiri back on him - stomp - scoop...Moore fighting from
Tajiri's shoulders - lands on his feet - Tajiri waistlock - Moore back
elbows to get out - off the ropes but Noble ankles him (while Tajiri tugs
on Sparks). But Hurricane flies in from the steps with a clothesline on
Noble! Hurricane punching away despite his cape getting in the way -
Noble sits Hurricane on the apron, punch blocked, Noble shoved away, and
Tajiri slides in with a dropkick to Hurricane that takes HIM out - back to
Moore - KICK is ducked, Moore leapfrogs, Tajiri tries a waistlock but
Moore rolls forward and has him in position - 1, 2, 3!!
UP NEXT: Chris
Benoit vs. Rikishi - #1 Contender Series!
"NWO: Back in Black" is this month's Fanatic Series presentation! (Or is
it? It sure ain't on iNDEMAND)
And now, the Whack of the Night! Tobacco is Whacko! From Earlier
Tonight, Keesh advances - then goes down to Benoit - will he go down to
#1 CONTENDER SERIES: RIKISHI (already
in the ring - American Samoa - 350
pounds - with SmackDown! is brought to you by WWE.com's i wanna go!
sweepstakes brought to you by Whacko Tobacco, Lugz, and Maxim Hair Color)
v. CHRIS BENOIT (Edmonton, Alberta - 229
Keesh tries to catchBenoit from the git - right, right, right, right,
right, into the ropes, reversed, back elbow by Benoit puts him down.
Benoit stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp - pounds the left shoulder,
right, right, every blow to the shoulder - right, kick, stomp, stomp,
stomp, stomp, Korderas up to 4 so they have a few words - Keesh coming
back - right, right, Samoan Drop! But he comes up clutching his shoulder.
Korderas asks him if he wants to continue, and he says yeah. But Benoit
is right there - CROSSFACE!! Will Keesh tap out so soon? He reaches for
the ropes - and starts the slow, slow crab crawl towards the rope.
Benoit makes noise but it isn't enough to keep the hold on - as Keesh does
grab the bottom rope. Benoit drops the elbow - rolls him to the centre
and AGAIN puts the crossface on! KEESH TAPS!!! Awesome.
Commentators are told the next match is the final one in the series. Who
will Benoit face?
Another new Stacker 2 ad - Trish Stratus introduces Stacker 2 Lite. I
introduce it to my FUHFUHWID
Commentators shill THE NEW UPN - man, I'm sure gonna miss that ol' circle
Loyd's caught up to Kurt Angle. Is he concerned that his name hasn't come
up in this series? "First things first, Mark. I would like to take this
opportunity to apologise to Snow White and the other six dwarves for
beating their hero Rey Mysterio at SummerSlam. I mean, after the beating
I gave him, I'm sure that's gonna be the last time that Rey Mysterio ever
(displays medals) MEDDLES in my affairs." Loyd suggests Mysterio almost
beat him several times in that match. "Shaddup! Now as far as this
elimination series goes, haven't you ever heard the expression 'save the
best for last?' Huh? Well that's exactly what Stephanie McMahon did.
Because I just received word from Stephanie herself that tonight, I will
face Chris Benoit for the #1 Contender spot - and after I beat the Rabid
Wolverine - the man who once harboured my precious gold medals in the
confines of his genatalia (which is pretty sick) - after I beat Chris
Benoit, then it's on to face Brock Lesnar - and Brock may be the youngest
champ in history...but he's certainly not the best...as he'll find out
soon enough - and as Chris Benoit will find out, right here tonight. Oh,
it's true. It's damn true."
Meanwhiler, standing in front of that EXCITING door... "This is
SmackDown! NUMBER ONE announcer. Here to get interview with new WW - hey
hey Mr. Heyman Mr. Heyman!" "Get your hands off me, man!" "I'd like to
get interview with Brock Lesnar?" "You wanna interview with Brock Lesnar
- the Next Big Thing Brock Lesnar - the Undisputed Champion Brock Lesnar.
You want to bother Brock Lesnar when he's getting ready for a match? You
want to interrupt Brock Lesnar when he's getting ready to display that
aggression in the ring? You want to interrupt his training? You want to
get him out of his mindset, Funaki, that's a great idea, and you're the
man for the job, let's go knock on the door and bother Brock Lesnar right
now, Funaki!" "Oh no - no no - maybe Funaki come back later." "No no no,
let's do it now Funaki, let's bother Brock, let's disturb Brock...
Lesnar." It's Matt Hardy! "Hello, Funaki! If Brock doesn't wanna talk,
then I'll talk. You see, tonight is a very special night, because it
marks a new era in the WWE - and oh no, it's not the era of Brock, it's
the era of Matt Hardy. You see, no longer will this era be referred to as
WWE Attitude - from here out, it's WWE...Mattitude! Get it." He walks
away, leaving Heyman dumbfounded. "You know something, Funaki, ya learn
something new every day. I just learned that Matt Hardy has a DEATH WISH.
Brock, you're not gonna believe this one..."
"WWE Live: The Moments Are Waiting" spot
See the superstars of SmackDown! LIVE! when they come to YOUR! area!
Saturday, Corpus Christi! Sunday, Dallas! Monday, LaCrosse! Tuesday,
Green Bay! Saturday, DC! And Sunday, Cleveland!
KING BROCK LESNAR (Undisputed champion
- Minneapolis, Minnesota - 295
pounds - with Paul Heyman) v. MATT HARDY (Cameron, North Carolina - 233
pounds) in a nontitle match
Somehow, I can't see this one going too long. Hardy gets shoved over the
top to the outside in mid-pose and we're away early. Stomp, stomp, stomp,
back into the ringpost, rolled into the ring, Lesnar follows - back rammed
into turnbuckle. Let's take a Replay of the beginning of the match while
Lesnar repeatedly drives his shoulder into Hardy's gut - that's three of
those. Lesnar is a freight train - but Hardy gets the knee up! He's
going to try it here - right, left, right, left, shoved away, back elbow
up on the charge, but tries a clothesline out and Lesnar blocks it, then
sweeps the leg and clotheslines him down. Stomp by Lesnar. Short
clothesline. Stands on his neck and tries to yank the arm out of its
socket. Another short clothesline following the replay. Lesnar just
playing with him now - slap, slap. Picks him up - going to the well once
too often with the short clothesline and Hardy ducks it - schoolboy - 1,
2, NO! Lesnar up, Hardy ducks, right, left, right, Lesnar with a
belly-to-belly with a release and Hardy sails across the ring. Hardy
tries a right - Lesnar with a forearm in the back. Into the opposite
corner. Snap powerslam. Hardy nudges his head with his boot. Again.
One more. Lesnar dares the crowd to boo him. Lesnar runs at Hardy - but
Matt lowers the bridge and Lesnar goes outside! Lesnar up top - leaps to
the floor but CAUGHT...trying to ram him into the ringpost but Hardy goes
down the back and it's Lesnar hitting the post! Hardy back in the ring -
seated dropkick and Lesnar's head hits the buckle! Gutshot - Twist of
Fate...is easily reversed into the F-5 - oh my. Count to a thousand -
or if you like, stop after 1, 2, 3. "This match *sucked*
because Lesnar didn't bust out his shooting star press WHEN'S HE GONNA
BUST OUT HIS SHOOTING STAR PRESS" is what some idiot
probably said. (3:41) Message sent to the
the next match? Replay. You know, we're kinda lingering here - I wonder
if he'll...yep - apparently angered by Hardy still being able to give the
v.1 hand signal, Lesnar goes back to the ring and forearms Hardy back off
his feet. Back in the ring - powerbomb - DOUBLE powerbomb! Play his
music again! Give him more replays! So who's he facing? Find out next!
Back to Stephanie. Dawn returns - and presents a signed contract. "Well
you know what this means, Dawn? It means that tonight's main event is no
longer a singles match, Kurt Angle vs. Chris Benoit. Nope, tonight's #1
Contender's match now becomes a Triple Threat. So Dawn, why don't you get
Eric Bischoff on the phone, I wanna make sure he's watching when one of
his superstars walks out of RAW and joins the SmackDown! main event."
And now, the Extreme Blast of the Night, ROCKED by JVC's Tower of Power
(and we ain't talkin' horns)! From Earlier Tonight, Benoit picks apart
Keesh's arm and likes it
#1 CONTENDER SERIES: CHRIS BENOIT
(already in the ring - Edmonton, Alberta
- 229 pounds) v. KURT ANGLE (Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania - 237 pounds) v.
Benoit shows no
surprise when ring
announces that this match is "now a Triple Threat
match." Boy, I think Angle's entrance is the first pyro we see on this
show all night! Hey one more look at STEFFO lucky you "Allow me to
introduce to you the next competitor - a legendary superstar that I just
signed to SmackDown! - ladies and gentlemen, the phenom, THE UNDERTAKER!"
Somehow - SOMEHOW those steps MAGICALLY rise up away from ringside as
Taker takes the lap on his beautiful Bourget Python bike. "There's a new
sheriff in town!" Damn skippy boyee. Angle decides to go straight at
Taker, and Benoit joins him - the numbers take over and the doubleteam
kick/punch combination continues. Double whip into the opposite corner -
Benoit gets a big boot as he comes in - Angle clotheslined down. Benoit
in the corner, back elbow, Angle opposite corner, avalanche, back to
Benoit for an avalanche, Angle put into the ropes, big back body drop,
Benoit runs into a sidewalk slam. Big boot for Angle - NOOO Angle drops
down and lowers the bridge and Taker ends up crotching himself on the top
rope. Angle grabs both legs and kicks up at him while Benoit comes over
with an axehandle. Benoit kick, kick, leg over the second rope and both
men work the leg. Doubleteam stompdown in the corner. Hebner counts but
there's always one man on Taker. DOUBLE DEATH SUPLEX!! Dizzouble
dizzeath! Dizzouble dizzeath! Taker at the ropes - double clothesline
puts him on the floor - and Angle turns on Benoit with a takedown! Going
for the ankle - but Benoit grabs the arm - stalemate. Both men up - Angle
with a German suplex - TWO - back elbow by Benoit - BENOIT German suplex -
TWO - Angle back elbow, back elbow, waistlock go behind - THREE - Benoit
back elbow, he tries the waistlock but Angle drops down and grabs the
ankle! Benoit wastes no time getting to the ropes before he can cinch it
in - Angle gets up and stomps, stomps, stomps. Right. Forearm in the
back. Angle in control and Taker's nowhere to be seen - whip is reversed
and Angle goes sternum first...and backs into a German release suplex that
FLIPS ANGLE ONTO HIS STOMACH - holy shit - Benoit covers - 1, 2, Taker in
to break it up!! Head to the buckle by Taker, back elbow, soupbone, "Shut
up!" for Hebner, soupbone, into the opposite corner, scooped up...and
snake eyes down, off the ropes with a BIG BOOT, shoves Angle off the
apron, hooks Benoit's leg, 1, 2, NO! Taker gives the international sign
of the Last Ride and puts Benoit in position...but Angle is in at the apex
and chop blocks Taker to the mat! Two men down, Angle has a chair.
Hebner meets him on his way in and vigorously protests...completely
failing to notice that behind his back, Benoit too has a chair - WHACK!
Benoit then gives Angle a shot to put him on the floor (!) - covers Taker
- 1, 2, ANGLE PULLS HIM OUT! Angle in, hooks the leg, 1, 2, NO!! Benoit
runs back in - Angle flips him with a belly-to-belly overhead release
suplex! Stomp - Taker runs Angle to the outside, but Benoit is up behind
him - German suplex! Wants two but Taker elbows out of the waistlock -
got the choke - CHOKESLAM! Cover - 1, 2, Angle pulls him off by the ankle
and has the Anglelock applied! Taker to his feet - flips Angle out!
Clotheslines puts him outside! But Benoit locks in the crossface!!
Taker is close to the ropes but not close enough - crowd is proud and loud
but Taker isn't getting any closer. And now Angle is in and HE applies an
anklelock!! Cole wants to know who wins this thing if Taker taps - Angle
doesn't seem sure enough to press the issue, releasing his hold to put a
forearm in Benoit's back. OLYMPIC SLAM NO! Benoit lands on his feet -
Angle runs in and Benoit puts ANGLE in the crossface!! But somehow Angle
rolls back and reverses into the anklelock! Benoit shows all his teeth
(and places missing teeth) but slowly inches to the rope...reaches -
reaches to tap? No! GRABS THE ROPE! But Angle pulls him back to the
centre! Benoit won't let him get it in this time, though - rolling to his
back and kicking off Angle...into a schoolboy from Taker! 1, 2, NO!! I
think he was tangled in the ropes anyway...Taker waiting for him - Angle
ducks, gutshot, OLYMPIC SLAM!!! "Wooo!" DOWN COME THE STRAPS! Seeing
Benoit up, Angle runs at him but Benoit (almost) belly-to-belly suplexes
him over the top rope to the floor! Benoit still limping on the affected
ankle, ohhhh Taker is up - gutshot! LAST RIDE POWERBOMB! Cover - 1, 2,
Did you notice nobody could win a second match tonight?
Taker pins the guy in his second match, who pins the guy in his second
match, who pinned the guy in his second match. (Poor Edge. Poor Angle.)
Here's your replay - Cole notes that if Angle hadn't broken the anklelock
to go after Benoit, who knows WHO could have won (who wasn't The
Undertaker) and doesn't THAT makes you say "HMMMM." Taker's driving back
up the ramp - credits are up - and we are out!
Lord have mercy WRESTLING WRESTLING and more WRESTLING and this show is
getting SO much better that if only they'd lose Stephanie I could have the
perfect - PERFECT - show! Can you believe it? I can't!
Comment about this article in Wienerville