TV-PG-DLV - Attitude - Entertainment - WW - new UPN Logo!

LAST THURSDAY: Go read last week's SmackDown! report Long story short, The Awesome Undertaker Who Was Awesome

Closed captioned logo - Opening Credits are Beautiful, People! Wow, so much Rock and Hogan considering we'll see about ZERO of them tonight

SOAPYRO! Coming to you from the Resch Center in Green Bay, WI (gooooo Packers!) and SAP transmitido en espanol 5.9.2 (taped 3.9) on THE NEW UPN and the Score, THIS is WWE SmackDown!

TONIGHT: Undertaker and Brock Lesnar go FACE to FACE! Wait, isn't one of them a heel? Ohh

REY MYSTERIO (San Diego, California - 175 pounds) v. BILLY (Austin, Texas - 269 pounds - with Rico & Chuck - and Let Us Take You Back to Last Week)
referee: BRIAN HEBNER
Hahaha Chuck is two hundred and SIXTY-NINE pounds hahaha SIXTY-NINE GET IT GET IT GET IT hey looks like there's been an addition to the staging - a vertical, flashing "SmackDown!" sign. Billy from behind (ha ha ha), stomp, stomp, stomp. Right hand. Mysterio is wearing sky blue this week and matching the ropes. Another right hand from Billy. Blatant choke using the knee and the second turnbuckle. Into the ropes, Mysterio ducks, slides under, but ends up on the wrong side of a tilt-a-whirl slam. Back to the stomp, stomp. Take the Replay of the slam 'cause we're hard up for action here. Gutshot - blatant chokery - Hebner pulls him off after 4. Into the opposite corner, Mysterio up and onto the shoulder, so Billy gives him Snake Eyes for 2. Mysterio tries to punch back, right, but Billy pokes the eyes. Hard into the corner, then puts a forearm in the back as he backs out. Tazz sneaks in a line about how Billy & Chuck love the home of the Packers (ooh! EDGY). Mysterio finally catches fire after backflipping out of a death suplex attempt, then dropkicking Billy in the knees. Mysterio off the ropes - oops, into a big clothesline from Billy, well never mind. Leg is hooked - 1, 2, no. Billy checks his knee - guess it's okay. Stands on the throat for 4. Half camel clutch, holding the rope at the same time. Crowd is bored enough to chant "Rico sux!" Billy with a neckbreaker. Please let's make this match even slower. Mysterio is tired of waiting - right, right, right, Billy with a knee. Mysterio into the ropes, but he springs off the second rope and spins into a flying headscissors! Ducks a clothesline, springboard dropkick. Billy happens onto the second rope which can only mean it's time for the 619 - but he's stopped as Chuck halts him in his tracks, pulls him out of the ring and drives him down with a clothesline. Rico, on the apron to chat with Hebner about the new UPN logo, drops off as Billy hooks the leg - 1, 2, no! Billy pulls him up - hard into the corner, right hand, gutshot, right hand - I could make ice cream between moves here. Right hand. Let's see how long a sentence I can ahh okay whipped him into the corner, into the ropes, brought up - but Mysterio reverses and rolls up Billy with a body scissors - 1, 2, 3! (5:04) Cole called him "Rey Rey," be afraid. Here's a Replay of the final manoeuvre. Coming back, Rico has THE (heh) STICK: "I know - Billy, Billy, I know. I know it, it's okay, just calm down. I know, wait a minute. Don't worry about it, it's all right. I know you did this for me, I know, but wait. After tonight, this is gonna be the greatest moment in your career - well, no, no, wait a minute - this is gonna be the single greatest moment in your life! Is what-- Chuck, Chuck...it's time. Chuck, come on. It's time now. Come on in here. Come on, Chuck. Now's the time. Come in here. Come on. I know, I know we talked about it but now's the time. I know - now's the time. Billy, Billy, come here. Don't worry 'bout it. Chuck - Chuck has something he wants to talk to you about. No, no wait a minute, wait a minute. Chuck has something he wants to ask you. Chuck...time is now. I need you to ask him." "(deep breath) Billy--" "Well, wait a minute, wait, before you ask him, before you ask him...Billy, I might need you to back up a second, just hold on, bear with me. God, I'm so excited-- I can barely even contain myself. Hold on - Chuck, before you ask him, I want you to dig deep into those tights. I want you to dig DEEP and pull out the LOVE. It's okay! It's all right. I want you to pull out the love." Chuck fishes...and produces a...ring box? "All right, Chuck, I want you to ask him. I want you to ask him. ...wait wait wait! Before you ask him, I want you to get down on one knee. Come on, Chuck! Come on. One knee. That's it. Are you ready? Take a deep breath. Okay, Chuck...ask him!" "Billy...I know we've been partners in the ring for a long time...and uh, I was just wonderin' - I want you to be my partner for life." It IS a ring! Billy is taken aback. Crowd is...taken aback. Rico holds the mic to Billy. "Billy?" "Yes!" "YEEEAH he said yes! He said yes!" Billy let's him put the ring on. "Oh he said yes! Oh yeeeeah! Wooo hoo!" Big hugs all around in the ring. "I am so happy!" Play their music! Tazz says it's great that they've decided to extend their tag team partnership for so long - so Cole explains it to him. Cole KNOWING makes it funny on a different level, doesn't it? Billy shows his ring to the camera

Here's a Special Video Look at the segment we've just seen

WWE CRUISERWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP: JAMIE NOBLE (champion - Hanover, West Virginia - 200 pounds - with Nidia - AND SmackDown! is brought to you by Foot Locker, Maxim hair colour, and Clearasil!) v. SHANNON MOORE (challenger - Cameron, North Carolina - 195 pounds - with Let Us Take You Back 2 Weeks - and Last Thursday)
referee: JIMMY KORDERAS
For some bizarre reason, during Moore's entrance they switch films on the entryway screen to the "Velocity" treatment - and then switch it back to SmackDown! as the match starts. (Maybe they never planned on needing a non-Velocity entrance for him? That seems remarkably shortsighted, though...) Lockup, arm wringer by Noble, Moore flips out and nips up, reverses, Noble rolls out, cartwheels, to a hammerlock, reversal by Moore, backed into the corner, Noble elbow, elbow, kick, kick, kick, kick, stomp. Noble calls to the crowd. Moore fires back - right, right, right, right, right. Into the opposite corner is reversed, Moore up and over, Noble hits sternum first as Moore goes for the superfluous backflip - hiptoss as Noble runs in, viscera, 1, 2, no. Moore off the ropes - Nidia grabs the ankle and distracts him - Noble runs in but gets upended to the apron - Noble blocks, right, but Moore comes back with a dropkick through the ropes that puts Noble on the floor. Here comes Moore - somersaulting up and over and onto Noble with the hilo! Back in the ring, 1, 2, no. Noble sent hard into the corner, then Moore is in with a heel kick. Off the ropes but into a hard clothesline from Noble. Noble goes to work - stomp - picked up for a death suplex into a sidewalk slam combo. Into the corner, picked up and driven into the corner a second time. Picked up and dropped into the backbreaker. Leg is hooked, 1, 2, no. Noble puts a knee in the back and directs his attention to Nidia holding the belt. Right hand. Noble slaps him, Moore shoves back, they trade forearms, Moore right, right, into the corner, boot up by Noble on the charge, but runs into another heel kick by Moore. Noble's up first but Moore lands the right, right, into the ropes, back elbow, gutshot, Moore off the ropes with a somersault neckbreaker. 1, 2, no! Whip into the corner is reversed but Moore springs off the second rope with a moonsault - 1, 2, no! Moore picks him up for a chokeslam/spinebuster combo - Moore climbing up top - ANOTHER moonsault - 1, 2, NO! Nidia is rather animated! Noble reverses, gutshot, double underhook but before he can finish the move Moore slips out, ducks the clothesline, on the shoulders, tries the victory roll but Noble sits back, 1, Moore reverses, 1, 2, kickout! Moore blocks, right, right, into the corner, reversed, but Moore is out of the way and Noble shoulders the post! Moore is already out onto the apron and climbing the corner...going for the cannonball but Noble manages to block and put him down powerbomb style. Noble has him in the double underhook again - tigerbomb! 1, 2, 3! (5:10) I think the best part is just hearing Tazz and Cole say "tigerbomb" and knowing it's REALLY going to piss off a few people who NEVER like hearing the name of that move.

We head backstage where Heyman is addressing the champ. "Brock, I KNOW your mind is focused on this face to face with The Undertaker tonight, but I implore you, do not take Randy Orton lightly. You came up through the system with this kid - he understands your ins and outs, he's a third generation wrestler, he knows you better than almost anybody, he trained with you, he sparred with you, he's 20 years old. Randy Or--" Orton shows up and moves Heyman aside. "Hey Brock - I'd listen to your agent if I were you. Now I do respect ya...but I don't sweat ya." Heyman is agog! Lesnar is...less so. "Well, you will."

TONIGHT: Undertaker, Edge & Rikishi vs. Kurt Angle, Chris Benoit & Eddie Guerrero!

"Hulk Still Rules" DVD ad

Stacker 2 ad (Bubba Ray Dudley)

See the WWE live! Saturday, DC! Sunday, Cleveland! Monday, Mankato! Tuesday, Minneapolis! And Sunday, Billings!

Edge is WALKING! He spies Rikishi modelling his shirt. They slap hands and Edge proclaims Green Bay home of the cheeseheads - AND Edgeheads. "See what I did there? Cheesehead, Edgehead." Keesh cocks his head but doesn't hear the crowd (heh). He asks if Keesh is gonna back it up tonight, 'cause it's the funniest thing he's ever seen. "Hold on, man. Hey lemme lemme lemme straight this out something. See, the stinkface wasn't meant to be funny, Edge. The stinkface is SYMBOLIC. You see this here? Let me show you something. You see this? See, this ass here represents the ass of life. You see, people like me, people like me, 'kishi, has been gettin' the ass of life for a long time, and it stinks. So every now and then, when I wanna let them feel how I feel...I let 'em smell this ass. Givin' them a PIECE...of the KEESH. So you're damn right, tonight, Rikishi backs that ass up." They do another high five handshake dealy and head their separate ways.

KING BROCK LESNAR (Undisputed champion - Minneapolis, Minnesota - 295 pounds - with Paul Heyman) v. RANDY ORTON (St. Louis, Missouri - 240 pounds)
referee: MIKE CHIODA
Orton wastes no time trying to take it to Lesnar - elbow, right, right, knee by Lesnar, forearm in the back, again, again, rapid-fire, again, into the ropes, scooped but Orton goes behind and lands on his feet, forearm to the back, kicks the back of the leg, kick, kick, knee by Lesnar, forearm in the back, forearm. Into the corner, Lesnar jumps over the charge and hits the schoolboy for a quick 2. Ducks the swing, kick, elbow, kick, but Lesnar wraps him up and there's a belly-to-belly overhead release WOW. Heyman: "Do you sweat him now?" Lesnar goes back to the Happy Dance and I think the flurry is over. Take the Replay of the throw. Knee in the gut by Lesnar. Orton tossed into the corner and he goes OVER, hits the top of the post with his face and goes SPLAT on the floor. Lesnar out after him - stomp. Replay of Orton's spectacular fall. Lesnar puts Orton back in the ring, then nudges him with his boot. Orton tries to fire back - forearm, forearm, forearm blocked and Lesnar hits a back heel trip/clothesline for 2. Tazz says that's a jiu jitsu takedown and I won't dispute it. Another nudge with the boot. In the corner, shoulder, shoulder, shoulder. It's all Lesnar. Knee in the adjacent corner. Whip into the opposite corner, then follows up with a big shoulderblock in the gut. Lesnar dares him to pull himself up - then scoops him up...Orton down the back, but Lesnar hits the back elbow. Lesnar almost runs into the boot, but catches it, then makes a sandwich of Orton using the turnbuckle and his clothesline. Stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp. Lesnar stands on his neck, actually bending him backwards over the bottom rope - Chioda reaches 5 but just pulls him off instead of disqualifying him. Orton scooped up - and rammed into the turnbuckle back first - then run all the way across the ring to ram him into the opposite corner. Lesnar again pokes his head with his boot. Orton pulled up - kneelift. Orton tries a right, right, but Lesnar puts him back down with a forearm in the back. Scoop...and Lesnar drops down to his knees, using his shoulder to act as the gutbuster. Scoop...Orton elbow, elbow, elbow back to his feet, forearm to the back, dropkick, forearm, grabs a headlock and drops down for a modified backbreaker from a snapmare position - climbs up top - plancha but Lesnar rolls through, hangs on and swings him into the fireman's carry - and down with the Key on My Keyboard. 1, 2, 3. (5:28) Cole makes a big deal of Lesnar absorbing a crossbody from a 240 pound man and still rolling him over into the F-5, and the replay acts as visual proof.

Mark Henry is WALKING! Spying Chuck & Billy, he...congratulates them with a handshake! Hmm, maybe Henry is *curious*...

And now, the WWE Boot of the Week, brought to you by Lugz! From Velocity, Mark Henry presses Albert and drops him. I guess he was wearing boots at the time.

After signing his SmackDown! contract, Crash thanks Stephanie for the opportunity. She thanks HIM for humiliating Eric Bischoff. Eep. As he leaves, there's a knock at the door - it's Reverend D-Von. He's downright appalled at one man getting on his knee and asking another man to-- hmm, nobody will come out and actually say it tonight. He thinks it's wrong, it's a sin! "You're just gonna have to deal with it, D-Von. Because Billy & Chuck left my office just a few minutes ago. Billy & Chuck requested that their commitment ceremony (hmm) take place one week from tonight In That Very Ring, here on SmackDown!" D-Von says the Bible says Adam & Eve, not Adam & Steve. "D-Von...lower your voice when you speak to me. It is immoral for a person to go around impersonating a man of the cloth. Now you better get over your petty concerns about other people and focus on your match tonight against Batista. Now get out of my office." "But--" "No buts. I've got business to take care of."

THEWORLD'SSTRONGESTMANMARK HENRY (Silsbee, Texas - 353 pounds) v. TAJIRI (Japan - 206 pounds)
referee: MIKE SPARKS
Well, Cole finally said "same sex marriage" so I guess it's out of the bag after all. Tajiri ducks the charge and kicks the back of the leg. Repeat - Tajiri adds an uppercut this time...then puts himself underneath the top rope, fearing reprisal. Tajiri points to his head in the international sign of smartitude! We start again. Henry manages to get a hold of him, and from the headlock, knees him, forearm in the back, into the ropes, quick press and drop. Tajiri rests on the second rope, which you know means it's time for the Chocolate Moose! Commentators are back to calling it that again, by the way, for which I'm quite happy. Tajiri into the ropes, ducks the clothesline, tries the handspring elbow but Henry forearms him in the back before it lands. I guess this is a big man/little man story here...Henry grabs Tajiri on the apron, but he kicks him through the ropes - tries the sunset flip but Henry ain't leaving his feet - slaps the hands to break it. Tajiri up, kicks the back of the leg, kick, kick, spin kick - off the ropes with a squeal and a seated dropkick. Tajiri stays on him - stomp, stomp, jumps into the kneedrop. Press, barely gets 1. Tajiri winds up for the KICK - but Henry blocks it, shoves him into the corner - Tajiri gets up the gutshot and tries for the tarantula but AGAIN Henry's legs aren't moving involuntarily - Henry turns round, picks up Tajiri and drops him in a "Japanese pancake" (Tazz). Up on the shoulder - big powerslam and Bob's yer uncle - 1, 2, 3. (3:07)

UP NEXT: Face to face! Undertaker and Brock Lesnar! Taker and Stephanie (our moderator) are already at the table - when we come back, the champ will join them for this Very Special Interview.

Take a look at the BRAND NEW Resch Center in the shadow of Lambeau Field - the third televised event in the building is SMACKDOWN!

The graphic don't lie - the main event of Unforgiven is The Undertaker vs. Brock Lesnar for the WWE Undisputed (ha) Championship! Let's go to that big, big interview.

Starting with a closeup on the belt, we pull out to see the table, the moderator, the principals...and the agent standing behind Lesnar.

Gentlemen, this is incredibly exciting. The main event for Unforgiven - the WWE World Champion, exclusive to SmackDown!, Brock Lesnar - versus the #1 Contender, the Phenom, also exclusive to SmackDown!, The Undertaker. Brock, you're the champion...let's start with you.

Lesnar: I don't have a lot to say. I'm not one to boast about myself. You see, I've always let my actions speak louder than my words. Starting back to hmm - my amateur career. Four-time All-American, two-time Big 10 Champion, 2000 NCAA heavyweight champion. And then, let's see. Not even a year in the business, and I come to King of the Ring and win it - no problem. And then, I crucify Hulk Hogan. You see, I take Hulk Hogan's blood, wipe it with my hands, and wipe it across my chest, why? Because I loved every minute of it, that's why. And then came SummerSlam - The Rock, the great one - yeah, and that's when I brought this baby home. I am the WWE Undisputed Heavyweight Champion. And tonight, I went out and ...brutalized Randy Orton - didn't even break a sweat! You see, I'm twenty-five years old - 25 - the youngest WWE Champion in HISTORY. How old are you?

Undertaker: (chuckles) Twenty-five years old. Twenty-five years old, and you're on top of the world, aren'cha. I look in your eyes... and I see it. It's that look that says nobody can beat me, nobody can touch me. You know how many times I've seen that look? More times than I can count. Brock, you are...one impressive young man. Very impressive from where I sit. But from where I sit, along with that youth that you're so proud of, I see inexperience. Yeah, you've done it all, right? You beat Hulk Hogan, you beat the Rock - NCAA champion - son, you ain't been tested yet. You haven't been taken where I'm gonna take you at Unforgiven. You see, Brock - you talk about and you brag about how you wiped Hulk Hogan's blood all over ya. Have ya ever had to wipe your own blood out of your eyes? Have ya ever felt down and felt ribs stickin' out where they were broken and wonderin' where your next breath was gonna come? And figure out how you were gonna win a match? No, of course not. You know why? Because there ain't no one beat you up yet. That's gonna change. That's gonna change real soon. Because I'm'o take you someplace that you ain't ever been. I'm gonna beat you up, I'm gonna bust you up, and then...if you survive that, then you MIGHT have somethin' to brag about. Life makes no exceptions...and neither do I. To me, it's all about the fight, Brock - and you ain't had those fights yet. At Unforgiven...your ass is mine, boy.

Heyman: Are you done?

Yeah, I'm done.

Well I just wanted to make sure that you were finished (applauds) that was very, that was just brilliant! I mean, here is Brock Lesnar - 25 years old, a grappler, a purist, the best on the face of the planet...and here you are...the badass, the baddest of them all. But if you analyse - let's analyse this for a moment. Brock Lesnar is driven, he's focused on you; while you, sir, are distracted by your...family situation at home.

You need to keep *your* focus, Paul. This is about business. It's got nothing to do with family or anything else.

Paul, this *isn't* about family.

But I beg to differ, it's ALL about family, I mean - to my client, that's family - the world's championship he trained day in and day out to defend that title against you, sir - but you not only have to train for Brock Lesnar, you have to tend to your pregnant wife Sara at home.

Paul...I'm telling you again, this is business. Now you need to watch where you're going.

(leaning across table) Where I'm going is this, just so that you understand, because I, I really want you to, to understand this because...if anything happens to you in this match - if my client does any irreparable harm to you and you can't provide for your family, I want you to know - the giving man that I am, I will definitely take care of your lovely wife Sara, but I *refuse* to take care of your unborn child.

Taker shoves away Heyman and upends the table but Lesnar stands up to him. Heyman grabs him and pulls him back. "C'mon, Brock... please - Brock, please - Brock, please...Brock, please..." Taker gives us his intense face as we fade to black.

Time now for the WWE Burn of the Night, coming atcha thanks to Stacker 2! From last week, Batista clotheslines D-Von, then gives him the powerbomb.

REVEREND D-VON (Dudleyville - 247 pounds - with TV-PG-DLV ratings box) v. BATISTA (Parts Unknown - 313 pounds)
referee: Hebner
We'll have to wait and see if they've FINALLY decided on a weight for Batista or not; I think EVERY time he and D-Von teamed they announced a different total weight. Also, the website says "Deacon Batista" weighs in at "275 pounds" so he sure put on those 38 pounds fast after removing his suit! D-Von doesn't wait to strike - right, kick, kick, right, right. C'mon, boy! I made you! I made you!" Right, chop, right, into the opposite - no, he doesn't move - gutshot, right, whip is reversed, brought up with a double choke - and dropped. D-Von heads outside and Batista moves Hebner away to go out after him. D-Von has the chair but Batista punches him before he can swing it. Batista grabs the chair - he and Hebner have a tussle over it, meanwhile D-Von finds ANOTHER chair underneath the ring - WHACK in the back as Hebner puts the first chair away. Everybody back in the ring - D-Von off the ropes with the elbowdrop - 1, 2, no. Foot in the chest, kick, off the ropes - caught, but lands on his feet - Batista ducks, knee in the gut, powerbomb - that's his move! 1, 2, 3, wow. (1:46) Compare this squash to the almost five and a half they gave the Lesnar/Orton squash - that's the difference between "protected" and "depushed."

Backstage, Nidia and Noble are ready to leave. Nidia thinks Billy & Chuck's wedding is so romantic... "...you ever think WE'RE gonna get married?" "Oh, baby, I luv you..." as they hug, Noble rolls his eyes "...'course we'll get married, we'll have the best wedding in the trailer park!" "Baby, you're so sweet. I luv you Jamie Noble!" "I luv you, girl!"

TONIGHT: The aforementioned six-man!

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When we come back, Matt Hardy is showing a tape to Shannon Moore. "Duck - dodge - dominate. Man how awesome is this? I mean, I went toe to toe with Brock Lesnar, the WWE Champion. And if you think the reaction sounds loud through this TV screen, you should have been there last week live, because it was DEAFENING. So watch close! See that, see how I roll him up? Technique, drop down. See Shannon, I exist to inspire. And the whole reason I brought you here is to watch this video, and to watch me wrestle Hardcore Holly tonight. Because in you, Shannon, I see potential. You know I saw your match tonight. And it was good - but you lost. Hey, but hold that chin up, listen to my advice, follow my leadership and one day I think even YOU may have the Mattributes to go toe to toe with the WWE Champion." Holly walks up. "Hey Matt - uhh, looks like you left some footage out of your highlights there." "What would that be?" "Like when Brock Lesnar F-5'd your ass for the win." "(laughs) Well it looks like SOMEBODY'S a little jealous that their SmackDown! star isn't shining QUITE as bright as mine." "Star, huh." "Absolutely." "Well let's just see how bright that star's gonna shine against me tonight in the ring." "I guess we will!" "(slaps his chest) See ya out there." "It looks like Mr. Holly needs a double dose of Mattitude."

Meanwhile, Guerrero admires Angle's medals, asking how much he could get for them at the pawn shop. Guerrero says he won't take it easy on Rikishi tonight - he robbed him of his #1 Contendership at the hands of his ass - err, yeah. Tonight, he gets some revenge, ese! "Well, you just hold on a second there, HOLMES. If anyone was robbed of the #1 Conteder spot last week, it was me!" "You?" "Oh yeah. I mean, if it wasn't for your gap-toothed pal Chris Benoit - yeah - I would have pinned The Undertaker (which I've done before) and I'd be the one to face Brock Lesnar at Unforgiven for the Undisputed title. Oh, it's true." Guerrero asks him why, if he's so bad, he didn't win last week? "Listen here, Cheech--" "Ese - the name is not CHEECH - holmes - it's Eddie Guerrero." Benoit starts to walk up behind them. "Whatever. I mean, did you not see the match last week? Huh? Helloooooo? Well, did you not see your *amigo* Chris Benoit, the Rabid Wolverine? Did you not see him get pinned by The Undertaker? I mean, there's no way I'd EVER let these Olympic shoulders get pinned to the mat by some redneck biker. I mean, Chris Benoit, the Rabid Wolverine. Ooo hoo... My butt! More like...the rabid puppy dog!" Guerrero eggs him on. "OR or or or or - or, or, the rabid chihuahua! You like that one? Or, all right, let's see...the rabid...the rabid..." Benoit starts to guffaw behind his back. Who says he doesn't have personality? "Whatchoo got to say now, holmes?" "So you believe you're BETTER than me? (laughs) You think you can beat me? Do you think you can make me TAP? (laughs again - then stops) Prove it - PROVE IT." Guerrero steps between them, asking them to save it for the match, when they'll need it. "Tonight, the war is out there!" They walk off, leaving Angle to ask "Was it something I said?"

Yep, that was the entire segment.

Commentators shill UPN's "Haunted" & "The Twilight Zone"

MATT HARDY (Cameron, North Carolina - 234 pounds - and Minneapolis SmackDown! hype) v. HARDCORE HOLLY (Mobile, Alabama - 234 pounds)
referee: Chioda
Lockup, schoolboy by Hardy for 2. Hardy holds his fingers close together to indicate how close it was. We go again, lockup, side headlock by Holly, Hardy to the ribs, again, powers out, tries a hiptoss but Holly counters with a backslide for 2. Holly makes the "this close" hand signal but Hardy pops him with a right - hey, that's poor sportsmanship! Hardy stomps, right, right, right, right, right, right, Holly right, right, Hardy, Holly, right, right, into the corner, elbow up by Hardy, swinging neckbreaker out, 1, 2, no. Onsale crawl during this match, yeah. Holly pulls Hardy out through the ropes - "Iblockyourpunchyoudon'tblockmine" on the apron - and rams Hardy's back into the ringpost. Now Holly is out on the floor as well - big chop on the floor. Right hand. Replay of the whip into the post. Everybody back in the ring - Holly stomps on the back. Death suplex coming up - 1, 2, no. Forearm in the back by Holly. Backbreaker across the knee - leg is hooked - 2. Holly still in control - forearm across the back. Sat up on top, shot in the back, climbing up after him - Hardy elbows back, elbows him out of the corner, stands up top - moonsault! 1, 2, no! Both men up about the same time - Hardy right, Holly answers, Hardy, Holly, Hardy, Holly chops, right is ducked and Hardy executes the Side Effect - but only gets 2! Hardy questions the count but goes back to work - wants the same move but Holly spins into a back elbow to break out - then wheelbarrows him into the Best Crotch Kick in the Business. Powerbomb coming up - 1, 2, NO!! Hardy sent into the corner - boot up on the charge by Hardy. Ahhhhhhhdrop - 1, 2, Hardy kicks out! Hardy does his best "frustrated" face. Into the ropes, Holly ducks, Hardy off the ropes, Best Dropkick in the Business, Holly covers, 1, 2, NO! Holly wants the Alabama Slam, but Hardy reverses to a rollup - 1, 2, no! Hardy ducks a swing, gutshot, Twist of Fate attempt is shoved away - Hardy swings and misses, Holly grabs a waistlock, Hardy drops down with a rollup and pulls the tights, 1, 2, Holly reverses back and HE holds the tights - 1, 2, 3! (5:00) Hardy vociferously protests but there's no escaping the conclusion after we're provided with a replay - once again, Mike Chioda has screwed Matt Hardy.

Backstage, FUNAKI has caught up with Rico and his celluar phone. "Funaki wants comment!" "Comment, what comment?" "Okay. Next week, Billy and Chuck are going to get married...so Funaki wants to know, what we are going to see?" "What you're going to see? Oh, you won't believe it. his is going to be a spectacle - an experience. A *happening*. This commitment ceremony will be the event to end all events - and *you* will not believe your eyes, Funaki. And I am going to make it my personal mission to make sure everything comes off MARVELOUS. And I hope you will be there, too, Funaki! Because not only am I going to be planning this event, but I'm going to be standing up for Chuck! Yeah. And also...I'm gonna be Billy's best man. So if you'll excuse me, there is so much to do...and not enough time." He walks off, leaving Funaki...confused. "This is Funaki - SmackDown! #1 Announcer - reporting."

Crash is WALKING! He happens 'pon Hardcore Holly walking the other way - and extends the hand. Hardcore...shakes it! "Good luck." "Thanks, cousin!"

The WWE Rewind is brought to you by Foot Locker's House of Hoops - from RAW, Crash pulls a fast one on Bischoff, making Jeff Hardy's beatdown at the hands of Jamal & Rosie a big, big misunderstanding.

CRASH (Salisbury, North Carolina - 217 pounds) v. THE HURRICANE (Parts Unknown - 215 pounds)
referee: Sparks
Lockup, waistlock by Crash, shoves him away. He's FEISTY! We go again - lockup, waistlock by Hurricane - Crash with a back elbow - runs into the choke, they switch places in the corner, Hurricane right, right, right, Tree of Woe, Hurricane stands on his genitalia! Scoop...and a slam. Hurricane up top - plancha! 1, 2, no. Side headlock - Crash with two quick shots to the ribs, powers out, ducks a Hurriane clothesline and gives him a hot shot. Death suplex. Crash stomps, stomp. Signalling for a suplex - but it's blocked, blocked, right by Hurricane, right, reverses out, ducks a Crash clothesline and gives him the Eye of the Hurricane! Hurricane with "Iblockyourpunchyoudon'tblockmine," right, right, into the ropes, jupming clothesline, back elbow, head to the buckle, on the second rope for a Buff Blockbuster ("what a neckbreaker!") and the "shining wizard" kick for 2. Crash sent into the corner - Crash sidesteps the avalanche. Hurricane evades the spear, though, and Crash shoudlers the post. Hurricane out and climbing the opposite side of the post - forearm across Crash's chest - up top, pulling Crash to his level - super swinging neckbreaker from the top rope back into the ring! But that took a lot out of BOTH men - Sparks (and most of the fans in the front section) apply the count. At 8, both men stir and the count stops - Hurricane giving the international sign of the chokeslam and DOES apply the choke, but Crash drops down and rolls him up - 1, 2, 3! (3:50) Tazz says it's a "Peterson roll" and damned if I'm about to argue with him on this night, especially since I know the names of exactly zero high school wrestling moves (and also own zero Ben Peterson videos). Post-match sees a Sportsmanship Handshake from Hurricane - how honourable!

UP NEXT: Our main event!

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KURT ANGLE (Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania - 237 pounds) and CHRIS BENOIT & EDDIE GUERRERO (457 pounds) v. EDGE (Toronto, Ontario - 241 pounds) and RIKISHI (American Samoa - 350 pound) and THE AWESOME UNDERTAKER (Houston, Texas - 305 pounds - on his beautiful Bourget Pyton bike)
referee: Korderas
Say, I wonder what Angle did to have to wear that scarlet letter "A" on his chest - man look like a big ol' candy cane. It's Angle and Rikishi - but he wants Taker. "Angle sux!" Taker extends the hand...and gets the tag! Here we go - lockup, arm wringer by Taker, shoulder drive, yanks and cranks on the arm, Angle strikes back with a knee, right, right, right, into the ropes, reversal by Taker, big boot! Off the ropes with a big legdrop - 1, 2, no! Man that NEVER works. Taker ready for the choke...but Angle falls backwards and makes a tag to Benoit. Benoit ducks the soupbone, kick, kick, kick, kick, kick, right, kick, kick, kick, kick, Korderas pulls him off and that's all Taker needs, switching positions with Benoit in the corner, soupbone, left, soupbone, soupbone, measures a back elbow. Tag to Keesh! Right, right, right, into the ropes, reversed, but Keesh barrels him over with a clothesline. Benoit runs in - but falls into a uranage/sitout powerbomb combo. Free shot for Guerrero - then Benoit shoved into Guerrero - Samoan drop! Tag to Edge! Guerrero in (I guess that collision was also a tag) - Edge's clothesline is ducked, Guerrero right, right, right, right, right, into the ropes, Edge ducks, flying jalapeno by Edge! Scoop...into a powerslam. Into the ropes, one-armed flapjack. Head to the buckle, Edge climbs up for a Ten Punch Count Along, but at four, Angle climbs up and drops him on the top rope. Taker heads out after Angle and they walk around the ring until Korderas somehow manages to restore order. Inside the ring, Benoit may have joined Guerrero in a doubleteam on Edge. Back to one on one - Guerrero with an elbow the back of the head, forearm/elbow to the side of the head, repeat, very fluid looking, and a snap suplex that turns into a brainbuster. Wow! 1, 2, no. Kick between the shoulderblades - and a tag to Angle. "Eddie sux" turns to "Angle sux" - right hand by Angle. Big death suplex. 1, 2, no. Angle grabs a handful of hair and tags Benoit - held open for the kick. Right hand by Benoit. Kick, chop, backbreaker, cover, 2. Tag to Guerrero - trademark springboard swandive senton in as Benoit holds him. Stomp. Guerrero is shuffling! Elbow. Into the ropes, Edge ducks, but Guerrero is ready with a dropkick. Tag to Angle as Korderas keeps Taker from coming in. Stomp by Angle. Snap suplex gets Angle 2, Taker breaking it up. Angle snapmares him over and applies the headlock. Edge fights it as the crowd approaches molten - elbow, elbows out, off the ropes, ducks the swing but Angle catches him on the way back in the belly-to-belly! Angle points to Taker...and to the crowd. But Edge reverses the whip, gutshot - Edgecution! The DDT spiked Angle and both men are out. Wow, Cole actually brings up the old hair match between these two - that kind of continuity will make my eyes bug out. See my eyes? Ah. Just as Edge even nears the vicinity of a tag, Benoit is in and running across the ring to shove Keesh off the apron - Korderas puts him back as Angle tries to pull him back - but he lands an enzuigiri - and tags in Taker! Guerrero also gets a tag - eats a soupbone, soupbone, soupbone for Benoit, soupbone, put into a corner, avalanche, runs to the opposite corner to splash Benoit, catches Angle coming in, scoops him up - and drops him in Snake Eyes! Off the ropes, Angle ducks the clothesline and grabs a waistlock - Taker back elbow, back elbow and Angle staggers backwards, only to find Keesh back in the ring - BELLY-to-belly! Taker awaiting Benoit - choke - but before the chokeslam, Guerrero uppernuts him from behind. And Benoit is up - German suplex on Taker! Guerrero runs at Keesh but gets upended and put out of the ring - RIKISHIKICK for Benoit - Angle from behind with a single leg - and the ANGLELOCK! But now Edge is back in - forearm to the back of the head, into the corner, SPEAR, but Guerrero clotheslines Edge (and himself) out of the ring. This leaves two men in the ring - Keesh with a fat ass splash on Angle...there's the flump...there's the stinky face! Benoit back in - forearm from behind, shoulder into the ringpost, and tossed out. Benoit pauses to laugh at Angle - but Angle isn't amused. They meet nose to nose and chest to chest in the ring - Guerrero in, trying to separate them - Benoit shoves him aside and goes for Angle but Angle's ready with a right - Benoit ducks the next right and grabs his arm, going for the crossface - but Angle grabs the ankle - but Benoit rolls and takes Angle through the ropes and out of the ring! Benoit goes out after him. Angle with a double leg takedown - and a WOW Catapult into the ringpost! Meanwhile, a livid Guerrero is watching all this - but ends up with his back to the now THREE men in the ring behind him. Guerrero suddenly stops and does a mental count - and makes a fabulous face as he realises - slowly turns back to check, then turns his head back to us as he confirms his worst fears. Guerrero turns round and attempts to smooth talk his way out of it, even putting an arm on Keesh's shoulder and describing the situation between his tag partners. Guerrero makes the "Well, time for me to go" motion, but Keesh doesn't buy it. Guerrero tries a right, but Keesh is the master of "Iblockyourpunchyoudon'tblockmine," Guerrero pinballs to a right from Edge, then a soupbone from Taker. Spear by Edge! Korderas has issues with all these illegal men in the ring but nobody cares. Keesh wedgies up and Edge shoves Guerrero's face in a none too nice place. All that's left is the legal man - the chokeslam - aaaaaand the 1, 2, 3. (11:02) Taker gives respect to Keesh and Edge - they each climb a corner, bookending Guerrero's carcass in the centre, where Taker makes the international "I want da belt" sign, then raises both arms to the sky - credits are up and if Vince thinks RAW is better than THIS show, I swear I'll slap him myself - outta here!

CRZ
[slash] wrestling