From Kim! The WWE contacted my dad about renting
furniture for the "Stephanie's office" set, etc., right, for the
SmackDown! taping. My dad hits me on my 2way all "Who is this band WWE,
they're playing a concert at Target Center" all cute and stuff. So I was
all "Yo Dads that's the WWF, they changed the name but they didn't change
the attitude" and he laughed and said he wouldn't rent to them because he
didn't want any sweaty oiled-up wrestlers messing up his standard-model
leather sofa. And he didn't!
So now you know - the secret is out - they RENT their SETS - and we all have Kim's pops to thank for the knowledge. Aren't they great?
UPN - turn it up(n)!
Here's a graphic (pretend I'm using the calligraphy font): "You are cordially invited to tune in to the commitment ceremony of Billy and Chuck on Thursday September 12, 2002 as they affirm their lifelong partnership to each other on the season premiere of WW SmackDown! at 8pm Eastern on UPN"
TV-PG-DLV - Attitude - Entertainment - WW
LAST THURSDAY: Paul Heyman sure talks a lot, don't he? Yikes, look at all these shots of Sara they dug up
Closed captioned logo - Opening Credits (which are still beautiful, people)
GAYRO! Coming to you from the Target Centre in Minneapolis, MN and SAP transmitido en espanol on UPN and The Score 12.9.2 (taped 10.2) and don't you forget it - it's the season premiere of WWE SMACKDOWN!
STILL TO COME: Commitment Ceremony - yep
TONIGHT: Kurt Angle vs. Rey Mysterio! OH MY GOD WRESTLING ON A WRESTLING SHOW WHO WOULDA THUNK IT
KING BROCK LESNAR (WWE champion -
Minneapolis, Minnesota - 295 pounds -
with Paul Heyman) v. HARDCORE HOLLY (Mobile, Alamaba - 234 pounds) in a
Speaking of which - here he is! He's WALKING! And behind him is Sara! Wow, she *is* pregnant! And WALKING! Presumably the unborn child is SWIMMING! Let's MOVE ON!
And now, the WWE Boot of the Week, brought to you by Lugz! From last week, Eddie Guerrero takes the ride on Rikishi's train
EDDIE & CHAVO GUERRERO (El Paso, Tejas
- 441 pounds - with SmackDown! is
brought to you by Maxim hair colour, Lugz, and Blockbuster!) v. EDGE &
JOHN CENA (Vikings) (490 pounds)
TURN IT UP!
MOMENTS AGO! Eddie got the pin...and a bonus
Backstage, Eddie screams and pours water on himself. Chavo: "I wiped! I wiped!" Eddie: "If you weren't my blood, I'd kick your (ass)!"
Meanwhile, MARC LLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLOYD foolishly knocks on the exciting door marked DEADMAN INC. Why's Sara in the arena? Taker says she happens to have friends and family in Minneapolis, if that's all right with him. Crowd: "He said Minneapolis!" Before we continue, Matt Hardy interrupts. "Hey, Taker, man, look I just wanted to congratulate you on your wife bein' pregnant - that's AWESOME! How cool is it gonna be to have a little Undertaker runnin' around the house? I mean, one day I'm gonna have a little one - a Matt Hardy version 2 - congratulations." "You know, Matt...I think ah, we might want to have this conversation some other time. All right?" He goes to go back to the dressing room, but Matt grabs his arm. "No, look, seriosuly. Seriously, one day I'm gonna have a kid...and it's gonna have all my Mattributes. But you know with my girlfriend injured, it's kinda tough, you know what I mean? Anyway, I just wanted to say hello to the mother to be and congratulate her!" "The mother to be...she don't need your damn congraulations. So why don't you just get the hell OUTTA here?" And he piefaces him, shoving him across the hallway into a nearby door (but no klangy pipes), and goes back to his dressing room. "Looks like somebody DEFINITELY needs a Mattitude adjustment!"
Meanwhile, a man in a tux - on a phone! "Yes, I understand that a traditional cake has a bride AND a groom. Well, I have two grooms here. No, no brides, two grooms. Now can you handle that?" Rico heads over to Stephanie's office and knocks. In he goes. "Hey, Rico." "Hi, Stephanie." "You look sharp, ya all set for the commitment ceremony tonight?" "Yes...thank you. Well, I just stopped by to ask you - PLEASE reconsider, and attend the commitment ceremony tonight." "Rico...please understand, it's not that I don't want to be a part of the commitment ceremony - it's that I have really...REALLY bad luck at weddings of any type, and I just don't wanna be a jinx. Okay? All right, I hope you're okay with that. Good luck tonight. I'm sure it'll be great." He almost walks out. "NO, it's not okay. It's not okay, Stephanie. The flowers haven't arrived, the singers are stuck in traffic, I don't know if they're gonna be here on time...on the cake I got a bride AND a groom, when I got - when I got a groom, I got a broom and no brides, I don't know what to do with myself! And..what's a commitment ceremonty without a witness? I don't know what I'm gonna do, I'm goin' crazy Stephanie! I--this means everything to me! I need to have a witness! And here, you told me to have a commitment ceremony on national TV, network television, and now it's all falling through, I need you to be there, Stephanie! I need you to be there! Please!" "Rico, Rico! Rico, Rico...you need a witness for this ceremony to be binding, legally?" "Yes." "Then I'd be honoured to be a part of Billy & Chuck's ceremony." "Oh, thank you. Thank you, Stephanie!" "You're welcome--" "Thank you! (kisses each side) Thank you very much." "You're welcome." "This'll be a night you'll never forget."
TONIGHT: Billy & Chuck: Commitment Ceremony
Stacker 2 ad - (RAW's Bubba Ray Dudley)
Wanna meet Rikishi? Head over to Popeyes Chicken in Hayward on Friday between 3 and 4PM! Then head over to the Compaq Center Saturday for the Tour of Defiance, as Brock Lesnar takes on Kane! Wait...isn't Kane a RAW guy? HMMMMMMM
Take a gander at the Target Center
KURT ANGLE (Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania - 237 pounds - with SmackDown! in Colorado Springs hype) v. AD BREAK - while describing the media blitz in anticipation of tonight's festivities...did Tazz just call Matt Lauer a "tomato?" Man look like a big ol' candy cane. "How appropriate. We're here in 'Mini' and I have a return match with Rey Mysterio. Pretty funny, huh? Get it? Rey Mysterio being MINI? You know, short? Oh come on, people, that's funny!" Tazz: "I think it is - I HATE short people!" ahahaha DIG IT "It's a heck of a lot funnier than me gettin' the stinkface last week! Oh yeah, people were YUKKIN' it up then, they thought it was HILARIOUS! Well, I'll tell you what's NOT gonna be so funny - what I'm gonna do to Rey Mysterio tonight. You people like Rey Mysterio, huh? That figures...since most of you would benefit from wearin' a mask yourselves - oh ya! You betcha! And Chris Benoit...if I even SEE you laugh at me again... ["You suck!"] ...Chris Benoit, if I even see you laugh at me again, there's gonna be TWO holy unions tonight - Billy & Chuck...and your face and my fist! And Rey Mysterio...I want you to remember one thing: You're a boy - in a man's world. And I'm a man who LOVES to play with boys - no no no wait a minute, wait a minute, shut up! Hold on, no no no, shut up, hold on a second! Hold on a second! What I meant to SAY...listen! ["You suck!"] Mysterio! Rey Mysterio, what I meant to say... is you're a boy, and I'm a man, and tonight I'm gonna LOVE to manhandle you. No wait a minute!! Hold on a second, hold on a second, hold on, shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Rey Mysterio! You remember this, pal: you're a boy, and I'm a man! And when you and I get together here tonight, I'm gonna get on top of you and-- Mysterio get your butt out here, 'cause I'm gonna kick your butt!"
KURT ANGLE v. REY MYSTERIO (San Diego,
California - 175 pounds)
Backstage, a black limousine arrives. Security checks the occupants. "They're good, they're with the wedding party!"
UP NEXT: Chris Benoit vs. Rikishi!
Matt Pinfield wants you to pick up "WWE Forceable Entry!" If he REALLY wanted me to pick up a copy, he'd threaten to bring "Farm Club" back on the air if I DIDN'T pick one up
And now, the WWE Smack of the Night, brought to you by Clearasil! From last week, Angle takes a stinkface...and Benoit yuks it up
CHRIS BENOIT (Edmonton, Alberta - 229
pounds - with "Forceable Entry" CD
cover) v. RIKISHI (American Samoa - 350 pounds - with TV-PG-DLV ratings
STILL TO COME: COMMITMENT CEREMONY
Catch these folks live Sunday in Billings, Monday in Salt Lake City, Tuesday in Colorado Springs, Saturday in San Jose and Sunday for Unforgiven in Los Angeles!
As some very emotional music plays...people set up the ring. Hey, there's Goldust's usher!
In the general manager's office, Benoit breathes all over Stephanie. "I did see it..." "He held me down - he held my arms - in that stink face...he laughed at me. Nobody laughs at me. I demand a match with Kurt Angle at Unforgiven!" Matt Hardy interrupts. "Stephanie - I've gotta talk to you - right here and ...right here, now." "Matt, you can WAIT. You know what, Chris, you're right. There is no match I would rather see. At Unforgiven, it is gonna be Chris Benoit versus Kurt Angle." "At Unforgiven...when Kurt Angle sees my smile, he will FEEL my PAIN." He leaves. "What can I do for you, Matt?" "Stephanie, since you're handing out matches tonight, I DEMAND a match against The Undertaker." "Well, Matt, first of all, you don't *demand* anything from me, and second of all, The Undertaker already HAS a match at Unforgiven for the WWE Championship against Brock Lesnar." "No no no, Stephanie, Matt Hardy (version 1) wants The Undertaker in the ring TONIGHT." "Well, Matt, since you're so full of your MATTITUDE, I'd LOVE do see what you do to The Undertaker. Consider it made. Tonight, it'll be Matt Hardy versus The Undertaker." "Stephanie, tonight...I guarantee...VICTORY."
Out comes RICO - he's wearing a headset mic because we NEED to hear everything he says. He checks the singers - he doesn't like their dresses and their smiles aren't big enough. Oh well. He regards the justice of the peace already in the ring: "Aren't you kinda old? Thanks. Who ordered these? These are pansies! I ordered tulips! And who put the garland, who put the garland like this? I wanted it hanging - hanging garlic! (?) And the flowers - the flowers - this is not mahogany! I asked for mahogany! Oh GOD I got a headache the size of Long Island - somebody get me a cigarette..."
When we return, STEFFO has joined the party - Rico parts the ropes for her. "Thank you so much for being out here, Stephanie - you look wonderful. This is the justice of the peace. Thank you so much for coming to be a witness. Well...he's a last minute replacement. Yeah. Ooh. Oh." His mic is turned up for the PA. "Tonight is a breakthrough - a historic event, not only for World Wrestling Entertainment, but groundbreaking in the history of network television. Two pioneers will boldy go where no men have ever gone before. And *I* (Rico) present to you...the commitment ceremony of Billy & Chuck! Hit it, girls!" The trio up onstage break into "It's Raining Men" - man, would it have cost THAT much more to actually get The Weather Girls? This is probably the best time for me to drop in that I have one of the finest collections of Sylvester 12" singles in the world - or perhaps not. And here they are! CHUCK & BILLY are out to show off their CHUCK and BILLY cummerbunds. Everyone in the ring is bopping along - Chuck parts the ropes for Billy - and Billy parts the ropes for Chuck. Handshakes all around. Billy & Chuck with a bug hug. Crowd boos the performance - shame! "We are gathered here tonight...to witness a pledge of commitment. Now, Chuck & Billy...I understand you have written your own vows. Please proceeeed." Man, I'm waiting for "Mawwiage...is a sacwed institushun" from this guy. Chuck is almost hyperventilating. Billy wipes away a tear. "Billy...when I first met you, the only thing I knew was that you were a great tag team competitor...and well, your name...(checks him out) was Mr. Ass (checks him out again). But Bill, now it's more than - than Mr. Ass. Bill, I know you've won the tag team gold on, on numerous occasions - but Billy, now you've captured something even more, something greater...something unbelievable...Billy...you've captured my heart." "Chuck, DAMN that was corny! Even for you! Captured your heart? Come on. But seriously, that's what makes you so special, and that's why I'm happy to ask you to be my tag team partner... (produces ring) ...permanently." "Oh, that was wonderful - just wonderful! And now..I present to you all a video that I personally compiled of all the highlights of this union - it is entitled 'Our LOVE Story.' You're gonna love this."
Let's Take a Special Video Look at Billy & Chuck - only ninety seconds
Crowd is still booing. Rico is still tearing up. "That was exquisite - that was exquisite - let's hear it for them, people, let's hear it for them! Oh! And I know, all of you have been waiting for this moment, and frankly, so have I...so, please...on with the ceremony." "Very well. But before we continue...if there is anyone here who is of the opinion that these two people should not commit themselves to each other, speak now..." everyone stands up "...or forever hold your peace." Crowd chants "just say no" - at *this* point, out comes... THE GODFATHER & TWENTY - NO, TEN LADIES. I guess he stopped being legitimate? This must have been where they wanted Road Dogg? "I'm sorry...I'm sorry. But when I heard that there was a party goin' on here...I *knew* that Minneapolis, Minnesota was-" "He said Minneapolis!" "-was the next stop for the HOOOOOO TRAIN! So let the good times roll because The Godfather is back in business! Now Rico...I, The Godfather, does dig your fashion sense - but I can't let that stop me from stoppin' this ceremony. Because the truth must be heard! Billy...Billy. What happened? Man, I know that you still got the pimp in ya, man! Billy...I remember, ha ha, that these fine fine fine fine fine fine fine FINE ladies used to like you so much that I had to ask you to stay away because the cookies were giving up too much free nookie! And Chuck, what's up with your image? You were one of the great legenrday skirt chasers of all time, dawg! You were one of the badass Palumbo brothers! You weren't too particular, though...well, ya see - ol' Chucky P., he used to like the heftier ladies of the stable if ya know what I mean. But listen here, guys, guys, guys, listen. It leads me to ask one question. What in the HIZZELL is goin' on in here?" "You just hold on a minute there, buddy! *I* will not take this interruption! And I'll tell you another thing - nobody in this building wants to see you and your - your - your GOOD TIME GIRLS! So, please removeth thyself from the building. And if you don't do it, I'll have Security do it for me. Andale!" Billy & Chuck look to be questioning Rico. "I've got it under control - just wait a second. Shush! Yes, I got it - everything's handled. Everything is okay. Take your places." "Rico - Rico - if you can't use my services, I only got one thing to say. You don't know what you're missin', when you miss a ride on the HOOOOOO TRAIN! Let's go, girls!" And off they go. Billy & Chuck show a bit more confusion. "In your places - I got it - I got it. In your places. It's under control - trust me. Please, sir...let's continue. In fact, in fact, let's skip all this interruption part and uh, uh - let's go right to the end. Go right to the end." "Very well....Billy, do you pledge to commit yourself unto Chuck...until death do you part, in sickness or in health?" Billy looks to Rico, who leans in. Crowd now chants "Just say ho." "Yes." "And Chuck...do you commit yourself unto Billy in sickness and in health until death do you part?" Chuck looks really confused. "Go ahead, Chuck - it's okay." "Rico..." "Chuck! Now is not the time to get cold feet! Trust me - just do it." Chuck looks baffled. "Yes." "Yes! Yes yes he said yes. I am so happy." "Then by the power vested in me..." Billy is looking *really* nervous now. "I pronounce you.." Chuck stops him. "Whoa whoa whoa whoa hey yo hey yo heyyyyYO." "What?" "What are you doin'? What, what are you thinking? It wasn't supposed to happen this way, it wasn't supposed to go this far, Rico!" "COME ON, RICO! WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?! This was all just supposed to be a publicity stunt! Hey - we're not gay, I mean, we've got nothing against gay people..." Crowd cheers. "As a matter of fact, if I was gay I probably wouldn't marry Chuck. But that guy right there ain't pronouncin' us NOTHIN'!!" "I knw it! I knew you two would back out at the last second! All of my hard work! All this pageantry! All the publicity! All the attention was my idear and you two guys are screwin' this up!" "Stop, gentlemen, gentlemen, stop!" "You're screwin' this up - no, it's okay, Stephanie - it's all right." "Stop, stop, stop. I have been a justice of the peace for a long time, and there's one thing that I know, and that's that a commitment is a very special thing. The bond that Chuck & Billy have is sacred." There it is! "And that will never change." "It'll never change." "It doesn't matter if it lasts fifty years...sixteen months... or three minutes. WAIT A MINUTE." His voice drastically changes. "Did I just hear myself say...'three minutes?'" Yikes, don't tell me that's Bischoff under there - glasses off - latex and wig and yup, it's THE WIFESWAPPER. Crowd goes nuts. Billy goes for Rico, but eats a kick in the gut. Bischoff grabs Stephanie while Chuck throttles Rico - but now THE NEW GOOD OL' JR are out, dismantling the gazebo and now dismantling Chuck - snap Samoan Drop for him - splash in the corner for Billy. Now Bischoff feeds Stephanie to Jamal for a (very gentle) Samoan Drop. Now Rico and Rosey hold down Stephanie as Jamal heads up top...but before he can do it, EDGE, RAYMOND STEREO & JOHN CENA are out from the back, chasing everyone out through the crowd. KURT ANGLE checks on Stephanie as THE ENTIRE LOCKER ROOM (well, at least D-Von, Hurricane, Shannon Moore and the Guerreros) head out to surround Stephanie. Last thing we hear is Eddie's voice: "What's goin' on holmes"
So, I guess this made you more likely to eagerly anticipate Billy & Chuck's next match...?
Well, certainly this made you more likely to spend $34.99 on Unforgiven... ...?
Well, bloody hell, I'm not exactly sure just WHAT they accomplished besides get Stephanie a lot of screen time on "Extra"... of course, they (like the New York Post, USA Today, &c.) will probably make doubly sure that, having treated THIS story seriously, they'll not get burned again when the NEXT "big WWE story" breaks.
Of course, the "Today" folks have only themselves to blame for booking Billy & Chuck without checking the spoiler reports first...right?
And why didn't Taker or Lesnar run out to save Stephanie? Don't they care about their general manager, too? HMMM
Okay, let's move on.
Stacker 2 ad #2 (Bubba again - still on RAW)
I *say* I'm gonna go watch "Barbershop..." but I'm probably not
I tell you, it's SO nice to see that young lady leave that BABY CARRIAGE BOMB all alone, out on the street, so close to the 9/11 anniversary - I guess she NEVER FORGOT
Gavin Rossdale's "Adrenaline" is the official theme of Unforgiven - buy the "XXX" soundtrack CD.
MOMENTS AGO! Damn, you *already* gave this segment twenty-one minutes...do we REALLY need to rehash it? Closeup on Stephanie's reaction...hey, she *still* can't act
Let Us Take You Back to Last Month) v. NIDIA in a Women's
Inside Taker's dressing room - man, I'm amazed he even let a camera IN there. "You all right?" "Yeah." "I'll be right back - this shouldn't take too long." He leaves her...to READ?!? Why wouldn't she watch HER HUSBAND on the monitor? Geez Louise...and to compound matters, they don't even let us see *what book she is reading.* These things are IMPORTANT! Hey, that's a nice couch...wonder where they RENTED it from
Meanwhile, Matt Hardy is WALKING! He knocks on the exciting door. "Hey, guys. You ready?" And NOW Hardy is bookended by Brock Lesnar and Paul Heyman...oh no!
And now, the Extreme Blast of the Night, rocked by JVC's Tower of Power! From last week, Paul Heyman's STILL talking...
MATT HARDY (Cameron, North Carolina -
234 pounds - with King Brock Lesnar
& Paul Heyman - and the "Forceable Entry" CD cover) v. THE AWESOME
UNDERTAKER (Houston, Texas - 305 pounds - on His Beautiful Bourget Python
Presumably, *right* after we went off the air, Chioda FINALLY got to ten and Matt won via countout. RIGHT? (COR? About 5:30) Man, I hate loose ends like that. Still, Matt's guarantee came true! Don't ever doubt him again! (Unless they completely fail to mention it. Gee, they wouldn't do THAT....would they?)
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