UPN HYPE OF THE
WEEK: "Twilight Zone" - Forrest is BORED, yo
TV-PG-DLV - Attitude - Entertainment - WW!
UNFORGIVEN - THIS PAST SUNDAY: Hildegard is not the world's biggest lesbian! Hildegard is Rikishi! Stephanie has outsmarted Bischoff again! WHAT A SHOCK! Funny how they DON'T replay Stephanie's ... ahem ... "dancing"
Closed captioned logo - opening credits are beautiful, people
PIRO! Coming atcher from the San Diego Sports Arena in San Diego, CA and SAP transmitido en espanol, this is "sports entertainment's most watched show - SmackDown!" Let's waste no time...
RIKISHI (American Samoa - 350 pounds -
with Let Us Take You Back to Last
Thursday) v. CHAVO GUERRERO (El Paso, Tejas - 213
Backstage, it's Torrie Wilson! And she's got LOTION!
TONIGHT: No disqualification! Edge vs. Eddie Guerrero!
Stacker 2 ad (Bubba Ray Dudley)
TAZZZZZZ is in the ring when we return to introduce the bikini competition - the judges are BILLY & CHUCK AREN'T GAY, REALLY, REALLY.
TORRIE SAMUDA v. NIDIA - Nidia (in sneakers) makes a special effort to suck up to the judges at the commentary table. Sample commentary for you - Billy: "Golly, I'm really, really not gay" Chuck: "I also am not gay." Nidia shows off the bikini, loses her gum trying to "dance," loses her breath, does the "Rock-N-Bowl spare dance" and gets a 6 from Chuck...and a 9 from Billy. Because they're not gay. Tazz: "Six and nine - what's that, fourteen?" Wilson reveals her pink.........bikini. Natch, they get two tens and there's your winner. Billy & Chuck hit the ring to pose in a heterosexual fashion with Torrie as Nidia storms off...to meet JAMIE NOBLE & TAJIRI coming out to make an entrance. "No no no no no no no no no, you hold on just one minute fellas - there ain't no way in hell you gonna rank my Needia lower than Torrie Wilson! You guys are *prejudiced*, you ain't got no taste, you're tryin' to screw my girlfriend, and nobody screws my girlfriend...well, at least not like that any ol' way! If you boys got any guts, you'll accept mine and Tiejiri's challenge right here and right now and we'll show you what some real competition is all about!" They seem game...
BILLY & CHUCK (with Torrie Samuda) v. JAMIE NOBLE & TAJIRI (with Nidia) - they hit the ring and it's on - Chuck has no problems with Tajiri until getting the low bridge - referee "Blind" Mike Sparks hits the ring and rings the bell. Tajiri with an overhead kick to the back of Billy's head to turn it round for he and Noble - into the ropes, double gutshot, double kick to the back of the leg to bring him to his knees - double dropkick sandwich to the head coming up but Chuck ankles Tajiri, and Billy manages a tilt-a-whirl slam on Noble - then removes his shirt in a ruggedly heterosexually manly way! Noble dropkicks the knee, though. Tag to Tajiri - free kick on the leg. Onsale crawl. Kick by Tajiri. Another big kick. Torrie is STILL up on the apron, looking like a lost lamb. Into the ropes is reversed, but Tajiri manages a handspring elbow out of the whip. Billy's swing is ducked, Tajiri with a superkick - 1, 2, no! Torrie is FINALLY down to the floor - cameraman must have told her. Tajiri stomp, tag. Pulling him by the leg - Subway Replay as Noble dropkicks the back of the bad leg. Leg across the bottom rope - and Noble springs into the buttdrop. Wants a second, but Billy puts up his good leg, then launches him over the top to the floor! Chuck really wants the (straight) tag...but Tajiri's going to come in as we watch the Subway Replay - Tajiri stomps away as Noble wraps the bad leg around the ringpost - twice! Noble back in - stomp, stomp, stomp. Pulls him away from the corner, grabs the leg and sits on it, Potsie - here comes a modified figure four - Billy reaches for the ropes but Noble won't let him. Torrie leads some synchronised clapping from ringside - shoulders are down - 1, 2, shoulder up! Noble with a slap - that woke him up - Billy with a right, right and breaks the hold. Noble up, Billy up, right, right, into the ropes is reversed and Billy collapses when his leg fails him. Noble plays to the crowd. Stomp, stomp, stomp on the knee every time. Sparks distracted so Tajiri does a little work of his own on that knee. Noble elbowdrops the knee. Again. Noble cranks the knee - shoulders down - 1, 2, no. "We want Chuck!" chant. Billy manages to use his good knee across Noble's head a few times to break the hold - back to his feet - reverses the whip but Noble reverses back, kicking the knee. Off the ropes - Billy counters into a flapjack! Crowd claps again...Billy crawls to the corner...or tries, anyway - tag to Tajiri - hot tag to Chuck! Chuck clothesline, right hand, Noble in and ducks - but gets caught in a belly-to-belly off the double underhook! Jungle Kick for Tajiri, kick for Noble to take him outside, Chuck removes HIS shirt (he's straight!), hoists up Tajiri - looks like Code Red coming up as Billy struggles to the top - and there it is! 1, 2, 3! (6:24) Do Billy & Chuck have new music? Did you notice the OMG TAG ROPES weren't there tonight? Nidia's not done, spitting at Torrie - Torrie's out - chop, chop, Nidia rolled in the ring - duck sa swing, gutshot, Nidia falls over the bottom rope...Billy holds her hands so Torrie can...spank her. Later, others will be spanking, themselves!
TONIGHT: The Undertaker vs. Matt Hardy!
And now, the WWE Rewind, presented by Atari's "The Ternimatior: Dawn of Fate!" From Unforgiven, Taker gets his heat back...wait
Backstage, Funaki is a little anxious to knock on the exciting door, but eventually does so...and Brock Lesnar emerges. "Brock Lesnar. I, Funaki - Smack - Down! - Number 1 Announcer - have - hard-hitting question for you." Funaki seems mesmerised by Lesnar's pec flex - and really, who wouldn't be? Those NIPPLES! "Hard-hitting question, huh?" Lesnar ruffles his hair. "Go ahead." "OK - OK - thank you, OK - is it - is it true that - you will not give - The Undertaker - a rematch for - WWE Championship?" "Pardon?" "Is it--" "I, I heard you, Funaki. That seems to be the question everybody wants to know since Sunday. But you're the only one with enough guts to ask me to my face. Tell you what, Funaki - I'll answer your question. Yeah, I'll answer it...but not here. In public. In the ring." "In the ring!" "In the ring." "Yeah! Ah yes, great, great, got scoop, yeah, thank you - thank you. See you in the ring! Thank you!" He goes off - Lesnar can't believe he's so stupid...
Meanwhile, Stephanie's on the phone... "It's definitely final, then - so the - so the women's title is on RAW, Randy Orton, Hurricane, all on RAW. Look, look into the rest of the contracts - come in! - okay, thanks, I'll call you back." "Steph, oh my gosh, that was SO funny! What you did to Eric Bischoff at Unforgiven." "Thanks, Kurt! I, it was so much fun. Seeing Rikishi's ass all up in Bischoff's face.." "Oh, I know - the stinkface, it was beautiful - and smart, too! I mean, you set him up perfectly - hook, line and sinker - whoomp, there it is!" "Yeah - whoomp - it was pretty great - thanks, Kurt." "It sure was." "And you know...you know what else would be great? A rematch of me vs. Chris Benoit tonight. I mean, he didn't beat me at Unforgiven." "No, you're right, he didn't--" "His feet were on the ropes! "Right, which is why--" "Which means he cheated!" "Okay, so--" "And cheaters never win!" "But I really want--" "Which means Benoit never beat me." "KURT!" "Well, he didn't." "Okay! Listen. Would you just listen to me for a second?" "Shoot." "I figured you would come out here and ask for a rematch tonight...but um, I've got a little something different in mind for the main event." "What could you possibly have in m--" Rey Mysterio comes in and waves. "What the heck is he doin' here? Hey Mysterio...don't child labour laws state that you can't be here more than five hours a day? Hahahaha - get it? Ho ho, get it? ...'cause he's...you know, short." "Yeah. I get it, Kurt. Okay, so...get this. Okay? Because tonight's main event, in the spirit of competition, is going to be Kurt Angle... vs. Chris Benoit... vs. Rey Mysterio. That's right, it's going to be a triple threat match...tonight." "You've gotta be kidding me! Why in the heck would you want to involve Mysterio? Because this - this is his hometown? Because he was born here like eight years ago? Hey, Mysterio...this may your big 'homecoming,' but make no mistake about it - I'm gonna be the one to get the 1, 2, 3." "Oh yeah, Kurt? You plan on getting the 1, 2, 3?" "Oh yeah." "Well not if I hit you first - with the 6-1-9."
FUNAKI, #1 SMACKDOWN ANNOUNCER walks to the ring with the very chair Undertaker used on Brock Lesnar last week. How the heck did HE get a hold of it? Ponder this during the ad break...
Hey how about some live events? Saturday, West Palm Beach! Sunday, Beaumont! Monday is RAW in Houston, and Tuesday is Lafayette!
"This is Funaki! SmackDown! number one announcer! Now, WWE Champion BUROCK LESNAR!" Brock, as usual, is accompanied by his pokemon WEEZING. It's a slow, slow walk to the ring. Happy Dance on the apron! Finally, Lesnar parts the ropes and enters the ring. "Mr. Lesnar...Undertaker hit you with this here." Lesnar takes the chair and inspects it...then throws it to the mat. Funaki drops his mic and starts to...wet his pants, I think. Lesnar kicks the mic out of the ring after handing his belt to Heyman, who also leaves the ring. Backed to the corner, Funaki tries a right, right, right, off the ropes...caught into the clothesline/leg trip combo. Pump handle into the backdrop. Pulled back to the centre with ease - knee, knee, in the corner, and rammed into another corner. Belly-to-belly overhead suplex and Funaki SAILS across the ring. Lesnar nudges him back over onto his back. Picks him up - Key on My Keyboard will finish it. Play his music again! Heyman in to kneel over the corpse...then offer the belt back to the champ. Lesnar decides to help Funaki slide out of the ring first. Replay of the pumphandle and F-5.
Backstage, Dawn Marie catches up to Torrie, then congratulates her on her "win" - "I mean, it is such an accomplishment to be able to win a bikini contest over than nothing of a hillbilly, Nidia! Maybe, just maybe, one day you'll decide to have a contest against someone who has a whole lot...more to offer. Maybe someone like....me." "Excuse me." And off she goes...
Edge - is - WALKING! Hey, next time you see one of these, start playing "Stayin' Alive." IT'S A RIOT, DEAN
Lugz presents the WWE Boot of the Week! From last week, Edge spears Chavo but takes a chairshot from Eddie - busting himself black and white in the process...
EDDIE GUERRERO (El Paso, Tejas - 228
pounds - and SmackDown! is brought to
you by Clearasil, Lugz, and PlayStation 2!) v. EDGE (Toronto, Ontario - 241
pounds - with Forceable Entry CD cover) with No
TV-PG-DLV - Nobody's getting nachos and the bathrooms are empty - when we return, MIKE CHIODA has joined the mix as Guerrero stands over Edge with a right, right, right, right, right, right, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp. Sparks is still a slug at ringside. Guerrero dares Edge to get to his feet - into the ropes, climbs on the back for the sleeper!! Edge rapidly fades down to a sitdown. KORDERAS & HEBNER arrive to help Sparks to the back. We take the entire screen to possibly cover an edit and also replay the ladder shot again. DURING THE BREAK! Guerrero's clothesline ducked - Edge with a SPEAR! and hooks the leg - crowd counts but nobody's there...finally Chioda comes rushing in and counts 1, 2, but no. Coming back live on tape, Edge punches to get out, off the ropes, Guerrero ducks, but Edge slips under and hits the half nelson faceplant! Cover by Edge - 1, 2, NO! Edge pulls himself up in the corner - to the second rope, but took too long. Guerrero with a right hand - climbs up for a FRANKENSTEINER - press - 1, 2, NO!! Guerrero laces the fingers and attacks the elbow - elbow, elbow, elbow, right to the face, right, right, runs the ropes, goes for ANOTHER Frankensteiner off the springboard but Edge stops him and POWERBOMBS him down! That'll definitely get a Subway Replay. Edge crawls to the ropes and, fed on by the crowd, rolls outside and looks for his friend the ladder. Ladder in, Edge in. But Guerrero dropkicks the ladder into Edge! Guerrero rolls outside and produces a SECOND ladder. Guerrero back inside - Cole notes that everybody in the Arena is either standing or on the edge of their seat. Edge brought to his feet - elbow to the back of the head, forearm, snap back elbow and Edge falls across a ladder. Guerrero sandwiches him by putting the second ladder on top - outside - trademark springboard senton back in and onto the pile! That may have hurt Guerrero as much as Edge - well, okay, maybe Edge a TINY bit more. Eddie covers Edge, still on the ladder - 1, 2, no rope for his leg but he DOES get the shoulder off the ladder! Another replay fills the entire screen. When we come back, Guerrero has a ladder set up in a corner - Eddie on the top rope and now climbing the ladder...but Edge is up and climbing the other side of the ladder! Guerrero right, Edge right, right, Guerrero teetering, Edge right, Guerrero right, EDGE teetering...Guerrero grabs Edge's head and RAMS it into the top of the ladder - four times! Eddie wants a sunset flip OVER the ladder - and it turns into a SUPERBOMB! Guerrero crawls over to Edge and drapes an arm over him - 1, 2, SHOULDER UP!! Subway Replay, two angles - owch. Guerrero folds the ladder and places it against the corner - and rams Edge into it. Edge laying against the ladder and Guerrero winds up...but runs into a back body drop INTO and almost THROUGH the ladder!! The ladder narrowly misses Guerrero on the way down, and Chioda moves it aside. Another replay fills the screen. Edge has his own ladder when we come back - now THAT one stands in a corner. Edge climbs up...to do what? I guess to get a kidney shot from behind - Guerrero outside, back in, climbing the opposite side of the ladder, right, right, Edge to the body, right, right - head to the top of the ladder four times...Guerrero now dragged off the ladder and standing on the top rope - Edge pulls him up - EDGECUTION from the ladder!! Cover - 1, 2, 3! (8:00 + 8:41?) Guerrero's forehead shows the effects. Tazz: "This sure as hell ain't no Survivor!" Replay of the Edgecution. Edge limps up the ramp - he'll be feeling this one a while. Cole: "Tonight stopped being about who is right and who is wrong - it became about two men wanting to prove who the better man is - for YOUR entertainment. And that, my friends, is the credo of SmackDown!" After Edge is gone, they play Guerrero's music - and he gets a Standing O from the San Diego faithful as well! One more Replay of the Edgecution! Wow, they usually don't show the loser's exit as part of the show - but I'm glad they did. Great match.
TONIGHT: Triple Threat Match! Kurt Angle vs. Chris Benoit vs. Rey Mysterio!
No Mercy ad - "Hi Pete."
It's the Sports Arena that STILL can't afford a name! Here's some hype for next week in Lafayette - tix still available...
MARC LLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLOYD catches up with Chris Benoit as he warms up. "You SUCK...is what the people chant whenever Kurt Angle walks to the ring. But I'll admit, when it comes to Kurt Angle, The Wrestler...nothing could be further from the truth. See, he's not the only Olympic Gold Medalist in WWE history for nothin' - he's one of the toughest, technically sound SOBs I've ever been in the ring with. And I'm lookin' forward to competing agaynst - and beating him again tonight - as well as San Diego's own Rey Mysterio! Mysterio's born in San Diego, hometown boy, well that's really cool...well, Chris Benoit was BORN to HURT."
Meanwhile, Matt Hardy shows off a videotape of his match to Shannon Moore! "You see what I did there, Shannon? I mean, I really hope you're pickin' all this u, 'cause these are invaluable lessons that I'm teachin' you. You saw what I did to the Hurricane, I mean I beat him so bad that he had to run away to a completely different show! But what else is new, right? I mean that seems to be the current 'trend' with all my opponents - whether it be the Hurricane - or whether it be my opponent tonight, The Undertaker. Who else but Matt Hardy (version 1), founder of Mattitude, could make The Undertaker run away the last *two* times I was in the ring with him?" "Yeah, but Matt, I think it had a little more to do with Brock Lesnar than it had to do with you." "Brock Lesnar? You think Brock Lesnar had something to do with that? Ha! Well I'll tell you what - you sit right there, Mr. Fancy Pants, in this chair and you watch this monitor - and you watch what I do to The Undertaker in my match up next - and we'll see if Brock Lesnar has anything to do with Matt Hardy defeating The Undertaker...AGAIN." He walks off - and we spy Brock Lesnar emerge into the hallway immediately afterward...man, I bet that monitor doesn't even GET the feed.
"Forceable Entry" ad - hey Pinfield, Farm Club isn't on anymore
Your hosts are MICHAEL KING COLE & TAZZZZZZZZZZZZ.
It was announced Tuesday that WrestleMania XIX would take place at Safeco Field in Seattle, WA - mark down 30 March 2003 NOW - and I think we have one question - just what the HELL was THE GODFATHER doing there?
THE AWESOME UNDERTAKER
(Houston, Tejas - 305 pounds - on His
Beautiful Bourget Python
Bike - with Subway presents No Mercy live on 20 October!) v. MATT HARDY
(Cameron, North Carolina - 234 pounds)
See the WWE LIVE when it comes to YOUR AREA - Sunday, Bossier City! Monday, Monroe! And Tuesday, Lafayette!
MOMENTS AGO! Easy pin for Taker, free shot from Lesnar - make it double
DURING THE BREAK! Taker had trouble getting to his feet, pulling himself up by his bike and then walking/crawling back up the ramp.
DURING THE BREAK! We went black and white as Taker refused treatment...but ended up falling backwards into the corner of the room and leaving some dark spots on the white door next to him
KURT ANGLE (Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania - 237 pounds) v. AD BREAK - First, a few words from Angle: "Tonight, for reasons well beyond my comprehension, Your Olympic Hero has a triple threat match with Chris Benoit and Rey Mysterio. Rey Mysterio....who claims to be from San Diego...like that's somethin' to brag about! Oh, wait a minute - you people are ALSO from San Diego? I think the INS would have a little somethin' to say about that!" HA! "Rey Mysterio, you may think you're impressive with the '619' ... but tonight, you're gonna be needing another number - and that number is 9-1-1! Comprende? And Chris Benoit, you may be feeling really comfortable in San Diego - I mean, you illegally win our match at Unforgiven, and half the people here illegally sneakin' into this country! But make no mistake about it 'cause there's only one true threat in this Triple Threat match tonight...and no, it's not the toothless cheater - and it's DEFINITELY not that sawed-off lost member of Menudo! Oh no! It's the man standing in the middle of this ring right here tonight - yours truly - a REAL American - Kurt Angle - oh it's true, it's DAMN true!"
Stacker 2 ad #2 (Bubba again)
KURT ANGLE (already in the ring) v.
CHRIS BENOIT (Edmonton, Alberta - 229
pounds - with Forceable Entry CD cover - meet Kevin Nash at the Alltel
Arena this weekend when No Mercy tix go on sale!) v. REY MYSTERIO (San
Diego, California - 175 pounds) in a triple threat
WW Entertainment logo
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