TV-PG-DLV Attitude - Entertainment - WW

OH BOY IT'S ONE OF THOSE MAX HEADROOM HOMAGES! "I'm Stephanie McMahon Stephanie Stephanie McMahon and you're watching SmackDown! Smack!Smack!Smack!DownDownSmack!Down. Tonight tonight, the most popular show in sports entertainment presents Edge Edge, after his huge victory last week over Eddie Guerrero Eddie Guerrero and tonight, t-t-t-tonight, Edge Edge takes on Kurt Kurt Angle K-K-K-Kurt Angle. Plus, The Undertaker dead man walking The Undertaker has been challenged by Matt Hardy Matt Matt Hardy to a falls count anywhere anywhere falls count anywhere match, and Chris Crippler Benoit the rabid rabid wolverine will step into the ring tonight and for the first time anywhere anywhere will go one on one with Rey Rey Rey Rey Mysterio Mysterio. And starting tonight, a tournament, a tag team tournament for these WWE tag team titles. The new champions will be crowned at No Mercy No No Mercy, and the first round starts right...now. Right...now." Seriously, how DO the post-production guys keep a straight face when they show this to Stephanie and convince her it looks GOOD? (Answer: Stephanie probably doesn't watch it - hell, she probably doesn't even watch the show)

NORO! Coming to you from the Cajundome in Lafayette, LA 3.10.2 (taped 1.10), this is episode #165 of WWE SmackDown! and we can't waste any time because the music is already playing...

WWE TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP TOURNAMENT - ROUND 1: EDDIE & CHAVO GUERRERO (El Paso, Tejas - 441 pounds) v. THE WORLD'S STRONGEST MAN MARK HENRY & RIKISHI (already in the ring - 678 pounds)
referee: MIKE SPARKS
Los Guerreros rush the ring and get the jump from behind, but the tide quickly turns when double whips fail - double reversal - Henry and Keesh trade corners for a fat ass splash/chocolate avalanche combo. Eddie ducks the Rikishikick but backs into a press by Henry and thrown into a crossbody on Chavo - Keesh with a double clothesline as Sparks puts Henry in the conrer. New tag team belts, what a joke - oh sorry. Eddie assumes the fighting stance but he's trapped in the corner - finally ducks the swing to get out - right, right, right, right, free shot by Chavo, dropkick by Eddie. Gutshot by Eddie, elbow. Later tonight, Billy & Chuck take on D-Von & Batista in another Round 1 match. Whip is reversed, Guerrero ducks, starts to slide but hits the brakes when faced with the mighty ass of the Keesh. Eddie tries a sunset flip - AGAIN ducks away from the mighty ass. Chavo makes a blind tag, Eddie takes a hip toss, Chavo takes a Samoan Drop. RIKISHIKICK for Eddie - and Henry takes the tag! Chavo tries to escape but Henry pulls him back in by the tights. How can Tazz say they're the biggest team ever when we ALL know the Natural Disasters tipped out at over 800 pounds?!? Chavo ducks, right, no sale. Right is caught...and Henry keeps the fist palmed until he can pull him out to the floor - Eddie in - pressed up...rep, rep, rep, ohhh Chavo with a chop block behind Sparks back. Chavo goes to work - stomp, stomp, stomp. Pulled to the rope - leg laid across the bottom rope and Chavo sits on it, Potsie. Eddie grabs the ankle and wraps it around the rope while Sparks warns Chavo. Chavo stomps again. Still has the left leg - kicks the back of the leg, kick, kick, knee, tag to Eddie for the springboard senton. Stomps the leg, stomp, elbow to the head, knees the knee, leg and ankle hold - Henry slaps the chest, again, and Eddie relents. Eddie with an elbow. Whip ain't happening - Henry pulls him into the ropes, then hits a powerslam on the way back. Henry is a one-legged man in an ass kicking contest, and you all know what that means. Eddie dropkicks the leg. Tag to Chavo - doubleteam stomps, seated dropkick by Chavo. Stomp, stomp, elbowdrop on the knee, kicks the back of the leg, kick, Henry kicks him away but into a tag for Eddie. "Eddie sucks" chant isn't helping - stomp, stomp, stomp - Eddie cups his ear! Haha - Eddie suckers Keesh into coming in JUST as Henry crawls to the tag - Sparks holds him back while Chavo comes in to continue to stomp on the bad leg. Eddie grabs the leg again - brings in Chavo to help drag him away from Keesh - this brings Keesh in and Sparks can't stop him - right for Chavo puts him on the floor, right for Eddie, right, right, right, Eddie finally ducks low enough for Sparks to assert himself. Henry's managed to reclaim the vertical base - right, right, ohhhhhh Chavo in with a Gillooly of the chairshot variety! Sparks, again, was busy with Keesh and his back was turned. Guerrero applies a deathlock, but Henry is so massive he can't bridge back - instead, he puts a shin in the back. Henry has no choice but to tap. (5:16) Eddie points to his head to let you know this match told a good story...well, something like that. Replay of the final chairshot - which I guess Sparks can't see. The trainer is out to check on Henry as the Guerreros head back...

Stacker 2 ad (Bubba Ray Dudley) - isn't selling ephedra-free Stacker 2 kinda like selling citric acid-free lemons?

See the WWE live! Tomorrow, Boise! Saturday, Sacto! Sunday, Reno! Monday is RAW in Vegas, and Tuesday is Phoenix!

MOMENTS AGO! Let's watch that chairshot one more time - at least this time they also show the tapout decision

DURING THE BREAK! Keesh and trainer had some trouble helping the 350 pounder to the back

Torrie and Al Wilson are WALKING! Coming across Billy & Chuck, Torrie introduces them to his father, but they're straight now so they're not interested - just kidding. They're REALLY interested because they want to get in her pants! Dawn Marie saunters by as Torrie wishes them luck in their upcoming tag team tourney match. Dawn introduces herself to Al, then wishes Torrie good luck. Is Al wearing lipstick? He DOES watch her walk away...

Meanwhile, Brock Lesnar admires his belt shot on Taker from last week's show. Heyman seems tired of watching it. "Brock, please, listen to me. I've spoken to Stephanie every single day of the past week. Brock...you're gonna have to give The Undertaker a rematch at No Mercy. Stephanie won't listen to reason - and it's not just gonna be a regular rematch, oh no no no no no. No, Stephanie's gonna add a special stipulation to this match...and get this cliffhanger. I've called her every single day this week; she won't tell me what the stipulation is. I mean, she's such a *McMahon* - I mean, I've tried every single--" "I'll tell you what kind of match it ISN'T gonna be..." It's Matt Hardy. "It isn't gonna be another falls count anywhere match - because after what you did to The Undertaker last week - it will look like NOTHING - the blood, the guts - nothing compared to what I'm gonna do to The Undertaker this week." Heyman is suitably agog. Brock is hungry.

Meanwhile, Taker adjusts his headband (presumably to cover his open wound) - and then he's W-- DRIVING!

No Mercy ad - Kane vs. Triple H, champion vs. champion hyped. I'm gonna miss that ol' intercontinental title.

Two ad breaks in the first fifteen minutes? There must be a long match (or interview) coming up!

The WWE Boot of the Week is brought to the streets and taken down Lugz style. From last week, Taker pins Matt Hardy following the Last Ride, but Brock gets in that big, bad belt shot immediately afterward

THE AWESOME UNDERTAKER (Houston, Texas - 305 pounds - on his beautiful Bourget Python bike) v. MATT HARDY (Cameron, North Carolina - 234 pounds) with falls counting anywhere
referee: BRIAN HEBNER
Hardy tries to evade the grasp but fails. Cole adds that there are no disqualifications either. Soupbone, soupbone, left, soupbone, soupbone. Kneelift. Soupbone! Stomp. Hardy rolls to the apron - Taker on the apron and there's a big guillotine legdrop. Taker pulls him out, then whips him into the timekeeper's table. Soupbone! Soupbone! Thrown across the commentary table, and somehow Cole manages to keep his headset on. Hardy put on the table - Taker climbing up on top - got the goozle - but Hardy kicks him in the nuts so no chokeslam. Twist of Fate attempt - Taker shoves him off the table and he bounces off the barricade! Taker back on the floor - running clothesline puts Hardy over the top and into the crowd. Taker follows and the cameraman attempts as well. Soupbone - Hardy kicks the gut but Taker's right back on him - soupbone! Hardy eats a gutshot - and another soupbone. Hardy staggering back - into another soupbone - and it looks like they're about to head backstage. Hardy throws a beer in the eye - NO SALE! Hardy catches sight of that angry look - and runs backstage pronto. Taker out after him, Hebner, cameraman, you and I following...adjust white balance, thank you - Hardy tries a sneak attach with a flurry of punches, but Taker hits the kneelift, puts Hardy into a heavy case, again, into the wall, three uppercuts to the body. Soupbone! "You *deserve* this (beep) kicking!" Hardy runs away! "We'll meet again, Taker - we'll meet again!" Hahahaha - Hardy tries to leave, but the door's locked! "Nowhere to run, nowhere to hide, boy - c'mere." Hardy decides to try to hop a cyclone fence - Taker starts to climb after him but Brock Lesnar appears with a forearm in the back! Taker reverses, shoving LESNAR into the fence, soupbone, soupbone, soupbone, left, soupbone, soupbone, soupbone, soupbone, thrown into the opposite fence - but Hardy is up from behind with forearms - Taker knee, into the fence, Lesnar from behind - got him up - F-5 NOOOOO NOT ONTO THE DEADLY POPCORN!!!!!!! Suspend your disbelief with me. Hardy hooks the leg - 1, 2, 3! Matt Hardy is AWESOME! (4:45) Heyman, Lesnar and Hardy take off. "You beat The Undertaker! You beat...Brock? Brock? Let's go." Taker is pulling himself up but Lesnar wants another piece. Grabbing a propane tank, he SLAMS it into Taker's right hand! NOOO THAT'S HIS SOUPBONE HAND Taker drops down and screams and screams and screams. Finally satisfied, Lesnar talks away. Taker also whips off his bandana to show off his bandage. And we leave him there for the ad break...

Survivor Series ad - Saliva will be performing - I CAN NOT WAIT (actually I'll probably miss the show...hmm)

MOMENTS AGO! Slow motion (with sound) of Lesnar breaking Taker's hand - and once more in real time

Taker refuses help from the trainer. MARC LLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLOYD arrives on the scene but nobody's talking. Aha, the trainer's name is Larry! He says he doesn't know what's up but he's going to try to talk Taker into getting some X-rays. He suspects it's broken. (Wait, they said that already?)

WWE CRUISERWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP: JAMIE NOBLE (champion - Hanover, West Virginia - 200 pounds - with Nidia - AND SmackDown! is brought by Universal Pictures' "Red Dragon," JVC's Tower of Power HX Series, and Subway!) v. CRASH (Salisbury, North Carolina - 214 pounds - with SmackDown! in Phoenix hype)
referee: JIMMY KORDERAS
Lockup, nope. Again, arm wringer by Noble, Crash revereses to one of his own. Noble rolls out, cartwheels out, and reverses. Crash to a knee. Crash rolls out, nips up, and reverses - Noble says "hell with this" and knees him. Crash put into the corner headfirst. Forearm, shoulder in the gut, whip into the opposite corner, elbow up by Crash, but Nidia grabs the ankle, distracting Crash long enough to let Noble come in with the knee. Stomp, stomp, stomp. Bionic elbowdrop gets 2. Into the corner, and Crash collapses after hitting back first. Noble picks him up and again rams his back into the corner. Choke on the second rope until Korderas pulls him off. Crash tries to fire back with body shots, but Noble connects with a knee. Snapmares him over, elbowdrop to the small of the back, again, hey I think he's focusing on the back. There's a camel clutch - wow, old school! Crash tries to fight back and does free an arm - now standing up with Noble on his back - and backs him into the corner. Noble comes back with a waistlock - Crash elbow, elbow, breaks it, catches the kick, the spins him into a discus lariat! But Crash is still feeling it in his back - ducks a swing from Noble, whip into the ropes, back elbow, clothesline, lariat, into the ropes, press and drop, going for the Crash Landing (Styles Clash) but Nidia's on the apron - everybody's distracted except Noble, who grabs a waistlock, standing switch and Crash runs Noble into Nidia - they back up and Noble rolls back and grabs the tights - 1, 2, NO! Crash bridges out - 1, 2, NO! Gutshot by Crash - going for the Crash Landing but Noble wraps up the leg - frees himself but Crash pounds the back - wants the Oklahoma Roll but settles for a sunset flip - no, Noble sits back - AND grabs the rope - 1, 2, 3! (3:35) Looks like Korderas just wanted a chance to see if Nidia was okay....well, maybe not.

Loyd stands backstage with Kurt Angle. Does he regret the offensive comments he made towards Rey Mysterio? "Regrets? Marc Loyd, I want you to listen to me very carefully. I'm the best wrestler in the WORLD. And bein' the best means never having to say you're sorry. I didn't lose to Rey Mysterio last week - Chris Benoit did. And if I was a betting man, I'd say that Benoit loses to Mysterio again tonight - and why? Because Chris Benoit is a regular person. And regular people make mistakes. But when I'm in that ring...I'm like a....Mozart symphony - or a Renoir painting. I'm as close to pure perfection as you can get. And that's what I want these people to remember. Every time they think about chanting 'you suck' to me, I'm a freakin' work of ART. And when I go...well, if it isn't my opponent tonight. You got something to say to me? Come say it to my face." Loyd backs out as Edge walks in. "You don't suck, Kurt, but you're not perfect." "Well these shiny gold medals say that I AM." "Yeah?" "Oh yeah." "Well that shiny bald head of yours is proof that you're NOT." "Heh heh....you know somethin' Edge...ever since you've shaved my head, I've been waitin' for this moment for a long, long time. I think we're next. After you." "Oh no, after you, I insist." Angle starts off - but then turns back and lands a sucker punch on Edge. They're NEXT!

Man, that backstage set is so 1999, isn't it? The last piece of the time tunnel, preserved for all time...I don't know why I noticed that just now. Let's move on

Booker T shills "Hungry-Man XXL" - man, I'm no nutritionist, but I'm PRETTY sure that if you eat a pound and a half of food EVERY night, you get REALLY REALLY FAT!

And now, the WWE Burn of the Night, coming at you courtesy of Stacker 2! >From last week, Eddie Guerrero manages the sunset flip powerbomb off the ladder, but it isn't enough to put Edge away - the Edgecution from the ladder IS enough to get Guerrero down for three.

KURT ANGLE (Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania - 237 pounds - with Earlier Tonight) v. EDGE (Toronto, Ontario - 241 pounds)
referee: MIKE CHIODA
Just like at the beginning of the show, we have NORO for Angle - pyro costs MONEY, folks - fake smoke is cheaper, though, so Edge's entrance is okay. HERE WE GO! Lockup..Angle walks Edge to the corner - Edge reverses - neither man breaks until 4 and Chioda isn't happy. "Angle sux!" chant is early on. Lockup, single leg by Angle, to a waistlock - Edge manages to unlace Angle's knucklelock and reverses - takedown by Edge!! but Angle quickly reverses to a hammerlock. Edge reaches back but there's no hair to pull, heh heh. Edge DOES manage to reach back and grab a leg trip, but Angle kicks him away. Angle runs into an armdrag and Edge applies an armbar. Angle back to his feet, Edge with an arm wringer, reversed back by Angle, to a side headlock. Edge powers out, I bet Angle shoulderblocks him - yep. Up and over, leapfrog by Edge, hiptoss by Edge! Dropkick! Into another armdrag and back to the armbar - good pace early on. Edge drops the leg on the left arm, then applies a keylock. Is he working the arm? Angle goes between the legs and barrels over Edge, keeping him down for 1, 2, but Edge kicks out and STILL has the keylock applied even through all that. Angle DOES grab the hair but Chioda puts the kibosh on that. Edge back to his feet, Angle to a knee - Angle with a knee in the gut to break it up. Angle going to the shortcuts first with a right hand, and another right. Whip into the ropes is reversed, back elbow by Edge, armdrag by Angle, and Angle shows some frustration. Edge again keys the lock with the left arm. Angle back to his knee a little quicker this time. They head to the ropes, but instead of a clean break, Angle drags Edge's back across the rope, then when they hit the corner, Angle starts stomping - gutshot, again, stomp, right hand, right, right, right, Chioda finally gets between them and shoves off Angle. Angle's pretty smug about the whole thing - until reaching the corner again, where Edge reverses - open handed slap, kick, kick, kick, kick, kick, kick. Into the ropes is reversed by Angle, Edge ducks, there's a viscera right on the money! Edge hooks the leg and gets 2. Angle put into the corner, but Edge gets dumped on the apron when Edge runs in - but Edge grabs the left arm and yanks it onto the top rope on his way to the floor! Angle goes outside clutching his arm...and Edge follows. The chase is on - Edge caught him, and catches him with a forearm in the back. Back in the ring - shoulder-first into the post goes Angle. Angle again goes outside. Right hand by Edge, maybe he's showing frustration as well. Back inside and Edge applies the armbar. Angle still has his right arm free, though - right, right, steps in, fireman's carry and drops Edge to the floor!! Chioda moves outside to check on Edge while Angle tries to shake his left arm back to life. Angle outside - and drops him on the barricade! Angle back in to stop the count...back out, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp. Edge rolled back in as the crowd starts getting on Angle again. Angle back in with a field goal kick - three points! Suplex coming up - 1, 2, Edge kicks out. Angle helps him up - then elbows him down. Stomp, stomp, stomp. Edge has the momentum here - but the right is blocked - Edge fires back with a right of his own, right, switches positions in the corner, right, whip into the corner is reversed, boot up by Edge on the charge, but runs out into a belly-to-belly release suplex by Angle! Hooks the leg - 1, 2, NO! Edge comes up clutching his ribs - aftereffects of last week's match with Guerrero. Angle snapmares him over and applies a sleeper AND body scissors - very neat. Angle uses his jaw as a weapon, applying pressure to the temple. Angle is *unbelievably* great. Edge tries to grab the left leg and undo the body scissors...but the sleeper is still on him. Edge tries to roll into the hold - slowly back to his feet - gutshot - again - Angle breaks the hold - but Edge reverses the whip attempt and DRIVES a knee into the ribs! Angle with ANOTHER field goal kick. Stomp on the ribs - stomp - lateral press - 2. Edge is feeling the pain - and this abdominal stretch (OLD SCHOOL!) won't help matters any. Angle adds some elbows to the exposed ribs. Edge is trying to get out and it looks like he DOES have a hold of Angle's left leg - he manges to untie the legs and hits the hiptoss! but clutches his side again. Angle reverses the whip, but Edge catches the knee for a rollup - 1, 2, NO! Edge right back up with a knee - and a death suplex! Angle hooks the leg - 1, 2, NO! Edge has a few words with Chioda, then drops down for a seated bearhug - again applying a body scissors for moooore paaaaaain. Edge is fading fast - desperation time - again pulling apart Angle's legs - back elbow, back elbow, back elbow breaks the hold! Everybody back on their feet - Edge right, into the ropes, Angle ducks, but Edge catches him with a belly-to-belly release suplex! But that may have been all he has. Both men are down and Chioda starts the mandatory ten count. NOBODY is moving. Six....seven...Tazz is begging for SOMEBODY to get up. At nine, both men pull themselves up by the ropes. Angle right, Edge, right, Angle right, Edge right, Angle, Angle, into the ropes, Edge ducks, flying jalapeno! Clothesline! Clothesline! Into the ropes, big back body drop! Edge is FEELING IT - Angle runs into the half nelson faceplant - 1, 2, NO!!! Edge can't believe Angle got out of it - but even worse, Angle drives ANOTHER knee into the ribs. Death suplex but Edge flips and lands on his feet - duck, SUPERKICK by Edge, wants the spear if only Angle would be so kind as to get up - runs at Angle, but Angle drops down and throws him with ANOTHER belly-to-belly - aw shit - RIGHT INTO CHIODA. No ref and Angle is ready to get his non-pin. OLYMPIC SLAM but Edge lands on his feet - gutshot - EDGECUTION! Looks like I called the wrong non-pin as Edge hooks the leg - crowd counts to three - to SIX - but Chioda's a flat pancake. Edge checks - nope - back to Angle but took too long - Angle with a kick between the legs and that'll fell any man. Angle pulls him up - dead weight - OLYMPIC SLAM! Angle makes the "come on" hand signal as "BLIND" MIKE SPARKS enters the picture - leg is hooked - 1, 2, EDGE KICKS OUT! Angle has a few words with Sparks but DOWN COME THE STRAPS! ANGLELOCK applied but Edge wastes NO time grabbing the bottom rope. Angle stomps, tries to grab him, but Edge drops him with a stun gun! Edge climbs to the top - Tazz notes that this may be the same move that took out his shoulder in their infamous cage match - but Angle's up, running to the corner and stairstepping up - but Edge has it scouted and shoves him off! Angle won't give up - back over, right hand, climbing up - superplex coming up - TOP ROPE SUPERPLEX coming up - HITS IT! 1, 2, 3!!!!!! (15:34) Angle's music plays but Chioda is back up - and HE'S raising *Edge's* hand! Sparks and Angle getting heated - Sparks shoves Chioda - Chioda FOREARMS Sparks! That'll keep him down for half an hour, probably. Now HEBNER & KORDERAS run out to keep the men in blue apart...we'll try to sort this out when we come back!

When we come back (TV-PG-DLV) the match has been restarted - apparently, after the superplex, BOTH sets of shoulders were down, so Chioda's decision was that the match MUST continue (until Edge wins). But it's Kurt Angle in control with a handful of hair - right hand to the body, right, right - Subway Replay shows that During the Break, Angle hit a belly-to-belly out on the floor and that's how he's got the control now. Angle ties up Edge in the ropes. "Ohhh yeah! Wooooo!" SPEAR BY ANGLE and Edge is a sitting duck. Angle with the three-point stance - and ANOTHER shoulderblock into the injured ribs! Angle wants to go again - but he's gone to the well once too often...Edge is out of the way and Angle sails through to the floor! Edge clutches his ribs - he ain't movin'. Chioda puts on the count - Angle back up to the apron at five, but in perfect position for a SPEAR from Edge! That gets a Subway Replay. Edge climbs to the top - this is a bad idea - top rope to the floor axehandle!!! But once again, Edge grabs his side. Subway Replay. Angle rolled back in - Edge opting again to climb to the top - but the MISSILE DROPKICK works! Leg is hooked - 1, 2, ANGLE KICKS OUT!! Edge isn't sure what's left that he can do. Waiting for Angle to get up - gutshot, Edgecution attempt countered - Angle's clothesline ducks, Edgomatic! - 1, 2, NO! Edge grabs Angle, but Angle turns it around, grabs a waistlock and hits the GERMAN SUPLEX! Angle didn't hang on - he doesn't have enough for more than one at a time. Well shut my mouth - Angle is proving me wrong by locking in the waistlock - ONE - TWO - CHRIS BENOIT is out - Angle goes ahead and finishes the third of THREE German suplexes. Angle casts a long gaze to Benoit out on the apron. Back to Edge - ANOTHER German suplex - Angle's holding on but Edge counters with a rollup - 1, 2, Angle's out! Angle pops back up with a clothesline. Benoit holds up some fingers to show Angle how close he was to getting pinned. Angle runs in - boot up by Edge - Edge leaps the next one, rollup, Angle rolls through, grabs the ankle and applies the ANGLELOCK!! Edge can't reach the ropes, so he tries a somersault - and manages to pull Angle out of the hold and through the ropes to the floor! Edge can't get to his feet, though - ribs are down AND his ankle's hurt. Angle has brought a chair back into the ring with him - now this is just a stupid idea. Benoit up on the apron and pulling back on the chair before Angle can swing - they tug for it - Benoit lets go, Angle swings as Benoit drops off the apron, the chair bounces off the top rope and into Angle's cranium - ohhh Angle staggers into the SPEAR and that's his move - leg is hooked - 1, 2, 3! (+ 5:54) Benoit gets a hearty chuckle from the ramp and makes another three count to punctuate the point. Replay of the final moments. Benoit can't stop laughing...

He's a Special Video Look at Rey Mysterio - he competes TONIGHT!

WWE live events listed here! Saturday, Kansas City - Sunday, San Angelo - Monday, Tucson - Tuesday, Phoenix!

MOMENTS AGO! one more camera angle of Angle knocking himself silly, eating the spear and staying down for the three. Benoit looks SCARY when he laughs.

Backstage, Angle begins a frantic search for Benoit - finally finding him in the locker room, he's stopped from starting anything by Albert, Kidman, Cena and Moore, while the Guerreros flank Benoit. Stephanie McMahon comes in and starts shrieking. She's teaming them up as partners in the tag team tourney, and if they don't get along as partners they'll both be suspended without pay for a year. Angle says that's fine - then pops Benoit one before getting pulled off again. Kim tells me Stephanie REALLY should consider wearing a bra.

Meanwhile, Heyman tells Lesnar he is the man. "There is NOBODY like you." Heyman reminds Lesnar - and us - that he finished Hogan and took the title from the Rock...and now he's broken the soupbone. Matt Hardy interrupts again, saying that now with The Undertaker out, logic would seem to indicate that HE deserves the title shot at No Mercy, seeing as he's the guy who defeated the #1 Contender via pinfall. Heyman thinks that's a fine idea. Hardy decides to go seek out Stephanie RIGHT NOW. Matt Hardy, version 1! "I'd be very careful - he'd KILL you!"

Billy & Chuck - who are straight - are WALKING!

RAW ad - spin the wheel, make the deal - I wonder what Cubs is doing this Monday

Stacker 2 ad #2 (well, #3 - but #2 with Bubba Ray in it)

This month's Fanatic Series presentation is "WWE Divas Undressed!" Of course, it isn't on iNDemand so hardly anybody can watch it - geez, kinda defeats the purpose of showing an ad, doesn't it?

WWE TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP TOURNAMENT - ROUND 1: BILLY & CHUCK (529 pounds) v. REVEREND D-VON & FAAROOQ
referee: Hebner Well, the graphic says BATISTA but this seems to be a last-minute replacement. But I thought these guys didn't get along? Masturbation and all that? No? Hmm. Billy has the mic just to help us along. "Hold up, hold up, just one second here. Ron Simmons - *please* tell me that you are not associating yourself with this sorry son of a (beep)!" Faarooq takes the mic. "Ahh, n--" and he pops Chuck with the mic. Hmmm. Pier Four brawl with Faarooq and D-Von taking control - Billy's tossed - forearm in Chuck's back by Faarooq - Simmons? I don't know. Cole's using both names just to confuse me. Into the ropes, gutshot, snap suplex. Cover, leg is hooked, but Brian Hebner is busy with Billy - finally back, 1, kickout. Tag to D-Von - open right hand, right, onsale crawl, into the ropes, hiptoss blocked, Chuck's blocked, Chuck with a...hmm, I don't know. Half hiptoss/half throw I guess. But D-Von hangs onto the ankle and tags Faarooq - Faarooq with a free shot on Billy, then back to Chuck - but Chuck lands the right - right - right - right - right for D-Von, right for Faarooq, but Faarooq lands a drop toehold and two axehandles to the back - in the corner, right, right, right, right, tag to D-Von - gutshot, elbow to the back of the head, crotch chop for Billy to bring him in - D-Von with rights while Faarooq wins the "who's the first to use the OMG TAG ROPE in a choke?" pool. Scoop...and a slam. Tag to Faarooq - another free shot for Billy - man, he don't like Billy much. Faarooq sends D-Von to climb up for "What Are You Doing?" but Chuck reverses into a rollup, then Billy shove D-Von off the top into a headbutt to *Faarooq's* graun! Both men are down - at five, D-Von gets the tag - HOT TAG TO BILLY! Clothesline, clothesline, into the ropes, back body drop, clothesline for Faarooq, Faarooq to the corner, "you suck," right, right, right, D-Von from behind to turn it back around. Faarooq with a forearm in the back as well - double neckbreaker a la the Acolytes! D-Von hooks the leg - 1, 2, no! D-Von waits for him to get up - going for the Saving Grace, but Billy flips out, gutshot - wants the Fame-Ass'er but Faarooq is in - Billy runs into the spinebuster - Hebner finally turns round and sees D-Von with a leg hooked - 1, 2, 3. D-Von & Faarooq move on. (4:07)

Backstage, Dawn Marie asks Al to check out her bikini. "It looks great." "Thank you, Mr. Wilson." "Call me Al." "Thank you, Al." Al smacks his lips! GO AL GO!

"Scorpion King" DVD ad - I think these have been happening all night and I've forgotten to mention them. Oh well - Rock's not really part of this show anyway, right?

TAZZZZZZZZZZ is in the ring to MC the following contest...

TORRIE SAMUDA v. DAWN MARIE in a bikini contest - This segment is an early frontrunner for the "most superfluous crane shot" award. You can tell Dawn just hasn't had the experience of walking down the ramp in high heels that Torrie has - either that or she's just trying too hard with too high heels. Dawn's kinda got something funny going on with her face...I suppose we don't do a lot of looking at her face, though. This week, the judges are the "ragin' cajuns." Dawn Marie STRIPS! Just when we go to get the good booty shot, the camera cuts to see Torrie's reaction. She seems bored. Geez, Tazz is shorter than both of these ladies - get HIM some heels! Torrie (who I should have mentioned is sucking on a blow pop) reveals the slam dunk flesh coloured bikini. Torrie shows more ass, she wins. Wow, Dawn is really checking out Torrie - look at her eyes go up and down and up and down and...I think I'm hypnotized! Sure enough, Tazz proclaims the winner as "Torrie Wilson, Wilson!" Dawn Marie offers the Hand of Friendship - but then SLAPS her one, then tosses her out of the ring. Dawn heads out, miffed.

Lesnar & Heyman are ready to leave, but Stephanie stops them with an Undertaker injury update - his hand IS broken, however he insists on competing at No Mercy anyway...also, she's got the stipulation. Heyman guesses "One Arm Tied Behind the Man's Back" whils Lesnar suggests "Thumb Wrestling Contest." Stephanie just about loses all composure but we take an extra long pause so that she can stop smiling. "The stipulation is, after conferring with The Undertaker....HELL - IN THE CELL." Heyman is unhappy, but Lesnar doesn't seem to mind as much - maybe he knows that Taker NEVER WINS Hell in the Cell matches? Hey maybe senior official Timmy White will be back *just* in time to separate his OTHER shoulder naaaaaah

It's time now for the .... "Cool Color of the Night?" Oh come on. It's brought to you by Maxim's hair colour for guys. From last week, Rey Mysterio manages to squirt out the pinfall in the triple threat main event.

Your hosts are MICHAEL KING COLE & TAZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ. Hell in a Cell? That's sure to be a rocket buster! Tazz predicts victory for Taker, for some reason...

REY MYSTERIO (San Diego, California - 175 pounds - with Subway presents No Mercy on the 20th!) v. CHRIS BENOIT (Edmonton, Alberta - 229 pounds)
referee: Chioda
They go to lockup but Benoit opts for a gutshot instead - elbow - elbow - backbreaker across the knee. Knee, into the corner HARD - Benoit dares Mysterio to get up and get some more. Benoit runs into a boot - runs into a boot again - but counters the flying headscissors attempt, puts him back on his feet and CHOPS him. Into the ropes, Mysterio flips up and on top but Benoit is on him - forearm in the back, forearm, forearm - wants a crucifix bomb (Razor's Edge) out but Mysterio hooks the rope. Forearm, forearm, has him out ...but Mysterio manages the Frankensteiner before Benoit can powerbomb him! Drop toehold by Mysterio, La Magistral, 1, 2, NO! Tazz says it's a "bandito" and Tazz knows more lucha than me and I'm embarrassed. Mysterio up - ducks the swing, body scissors into the wheelbarrow bulldog - hooks the leg, 1, 2, no. Into the ropes is reversed by Benoit, Mysterio rolls under, Benoit puts Mysterio on the top rope but he after pushing him, Mysterio manages a body scissors takeover to put Benoit on the floor! Mysterio's gonna fly - springboard somersault plancha and lands the cannonball! Benoit put back in the ring - Mysterio follows - leg is hooked - 1, 2, no. Subway Replay of the "springboard hilo." Mysterio right, right, off the ropes, but Benoit lifts him up and spins him down into a gutbuster. Benoit back in command - Mysterio into the opposite corner - gutshot puts him down. Death suplex. Benoit covers - and gets 2. Into the ropes, big back body drop and Mysterio SAILS across the ring. Whip sternum first into the corner - Benoit adds a knee in the back - and another. Kick to the head. Benoit laces the knuckles, then goes behind for a straitjacket. Tazz says this is a famous hold in Japan, which means it's probably got a better name than "straitjacket" and I should look it up later. Benoit has Mysterio on his knees and stands on the back of his legs as well. Mysterio fights back to his feet...then drops down to get out of the hold - back up behind Benoit with the SAME hold! Knuckles are STILL locked - Benoit with a knee, hiptoss, Mysterio balances Benoit on his feet, then kicks him up, jumps over him and goes down the back, completing the sunset flip - 1, 2, Benoit up and barrelling him over with a clothesline. Head to the buckle by Benoit. BIG knife-edge chop by Benoit. Stomp. Stomp. Rammed into the corner, pulled out, and rammed back in again. Mysterio's ears are probably ringing. Benoit does it AGAIN! Snapmares him over, knee in the back and applies the surfboard. Mysterio won't give up here but his kidneys might be screaming. Mysterio slooooowly makes it back to his feet - reverses but Benoit reverses right back - Benoit full nelson - Mysterio drops down, Benoit grabs the wheelbarrow and DOES hit the wheelbarrow suplex! 1, 2, NO!! Benoit has real problems with that count from Chioda. Benoit picks up Mysterio for a vicious short clothesline. 1, 2, Mysterio gets out. Pulled into the ropes, pressed up but Mysterio manages a dropkick on his way down! Both men down...Benoit up first - over to Mysterio, who hits "Iblockyourpunchyoudon'tblockmine," again, right, right, into the ropes is reversed, Rey tries a quebrada but Benoit catches him on his shoulder - going for Snake Eyes but Mysterio frees himself, shoves Benoit into the corner, then lands a viscera as Benoit comes out! Benoit has nowhere to go in the corner- Mysterio with a seated dropkick! Mysterio positions Benoit and goes up - split-legged moonsault!! 1, 2, NO!!! Subway Replay of the dropkick. Whip is reversed, Rey on the shoulders, Benoit throws him off. Benoit waistlock, Mysterio back elbow, Mysterio gutshot caught, Mysterio enzuigiri! Unfortunately Benoit is in perfect position for the 619 - or did he have it scouted?! Benoit CATCHES Mysterio in midswing (Tazz: "BUSY SIGNAL!") and gives Mysterio a shoulderbreaker (!) - thumb crosses throat - Benoit going up - and there's the SWANDIVE HEADBUTT!! Benoit hooks the leg - 1, 2, KICKOUT!! Benoit is *stunned*. Benoit quickly locks in the crossface but Mysterio just as quickly hooks the bottom rope and Benoit has to let go. Boot to the head by Benoit - sternum first into the corner, German suplex out but Mysterio backflips and lands on his feet - kicks the back of the leg, dropkicks the back of the head, runs to the ropes, second rope no hands into a guillotine to the back of the head! THIS time, 619 connects - now trying for the springboard, but Benoit ducks...but KURT ANGLE is at ringside, throating Benoit on the ropes, bouncing him back into a standing Frankensteiner and leg hook - 1, 2, 3!! (10:50) Angle hits the ring and has a few words with Benoit - forehead to forehead, nose to nose - Benoit with a slap! Angle right, Benoit, Angle, Benoit, Angle goes behind and hits a German suplex! He's holding on - but Benoit reverses, but Angle grabs the ankle...but Benoit counters into the crossface! AND ANGLE TAPS!! The phalanx of REFS & OFFICIALS hits the ring - two refs hold back Angle (or try to) while Fit Finlay and Chioda hold back Benoit - Angle breaks through, but they get separated again - now Benoit makes a run at Angle but gets taken down - now FINLAY is getting into it...ooh, credits are up, WW logo and we're out!

GO A'S!

CRZ
[slash] wrestling