UPN Thursday - turn it up!
TV-PG-DLV - Attitude - Entertainment - WW
LAST THURSDAY: The Undertaker The Undertaker was was challenged challenged by by Matt Hardy Matt Hardy in a in a falls count anywhere falls count anywhere match match but but Brock Brock Lesnar Brock Lesnar broke his hand hand b-b-b-b-b-b-broke broke broke his haaaaaaaaand - Notice how they use judicious editing and zooms to avoid showing the DEADLY popcorn! When Stephanie says Taker's hand is "officially broken," what does that mean it was beforehand? UNofficially broken? Notice how they slow down Stephanie's voice - that's a sneaky dig at Nicole Bass, see
Backstage, Taker paces about and shows off his shiny new cast, on which he has written "NO PAIN" - no, no, Master Fuji says it's MOOOOOOOORE PAIN. He's waiting for Brock!
NORO! As we learn that we are coming from the America West Arena in Phoenix, AZ and SAP transmitido en espanol 10.10.2 (taped 8.10) for WWE SmackDown! #166, MATT HARDY makes his way to the ring, all smiles. Your hosts are MICHAEL KING COLE & TAZZZZZZZZZ, by the way. Hardy tests his mic, then raises his hand in the "v.1" pose. Crowd chants "We want Jeff." "You know, times are great for Matt Hardy, version 1! The fan letters, the mail is been rolling in ever since I beat The Undertaker yet again, for a second time, last week, right here on SmackDown! But no no, I didn't defeat The Undertaker in just any old match - I beat The Undertaker 1, 2, 3 in a Falls Count Anywhere match - yes I did!" "You suck!" "Everyone knows that it wasn't a Twist of Fate that led to my victory - no no - it was a very defining moment in the Era of Mattitude - it was a moment in time when Matt Hardy singlehandedly proved his dominance over The Undertaker! So for any of the unfortunate few that may not have been able to witness this great moment last week - who may have only heard from a coworker or a friend - you're in for a very special treat tonight, because with me, I have the footage, so that allllllll of you can Live for the Moment!" Let Us Take You Back to A Judicious Cut from Last Thursday - 1, 2, 3 - "I mean, how awesome was that? How phenomenal was that? Huh? You know, I saw The Undertaker out pacing around earlier in the parking lot - waiting for Brock Lesnar. (The camers catch sight of Taker - and he's WALKING!) But we all know the reason The Undertaker is in the parking lot and not here - because he doesn't want another dose of Mattitude! Y'see, The Undertaker would rather face Brock Lesnar in a Hell in the Cell than face Matt Hardy again, and again, and again... (finally sees Taker is up to the curtain backstage) Hey! Whoa! Taker... I'm serious - don't come out here - if you do, what I did last week will look like nothing, I mean nothing, compared to what I do to you this week I'm serious. Stop, put on the brakes, no more." THE AWESOME UNDERTAKER emerges on the stage. "Taker - freeze yourself in your tracks - whoa whoa whoa - Taker - look, I beat you last week when you were healthy, I don't wanna maim a crippled man. I'm serious! Taker, if you come in this ring, I will not be responsible, it's your life I'm trying to save here!" Taker parts the ropes and Hardy goes after him with the mic - loaded right, again, again, again, grabs the cast and rams it into the buckle - Taker gutshot, left, left, left, forearm shiver with the cast - and one more! Hardy outside, Taker pokes him with his boots, out after him, knee, Hardy tries to fire back but Taker lands another knee, then shoves him into the STEEL steps. Into the timekeeper's table. Cast shot, cast, cast, cast, cast, cast, cast, cast. Taker adds a headbutt as we notice Hardy's opened up. Another headbutt. Kick. REFS are out but Taker scares them off. Hardy again tries to fight back with rights, but Taker knees him repeatedly - back into the ring with him...Taker follows as the crowd chants "Taker" - cast punch! Finally, Hardy kicks him in the nuts to turn it back around - right, right, kick, kick, kick, kick, right, FINALLY the refs pull Hardy off of him...giving Taker just enough time to recover, it seems, and here he comes - left, forearm shiver with the cast. Hardy outside, Taker follows. Taker puts him into the steps one more time - stomp - refs get between them again and Hardy grabs a chair - WHACK! Ready to swing again but Taker uses the cast on the chair a few times...then moves to Hardy's forehead. He takes a swing at the refs when they try to pull him off, but misses when they hit the deck. Up against the post, elbow, winding up for a big run...which, sure enough, means Hardy ducks the cast soupbone and Taker punches out the post. Taker goes back to screaming and grabbing his hand, and Hardy makes his escape. But Taker...the cast says "NO PAIN!" There's not quite as much blood on Taker's cast as on Hardy's forehead, but ponder that as we take the first ad break...
Stacker 2 ad (Bubba Ray Dudley) - isn't trying to sell ephedra-free Stacker 2 a lot like trying to sell cinnamon-free Big Red gum?
Forceable Entry ad
MOMENTS AGO! Well, let's see... one segment so far... gee, what do YOU think we're rewatching? For the record, that STEEL post was "unforgiving."
RIKISHI (American Samoa - 350 pounds -
with Backstage, Trainer Larry tells
Taker it's time for some more x-rays - he's probably broken the hand in
some OTHER spot) v. EDDIE GUERRERO (El Paso, Tejas - 228 pounds - with
Chavo Guerrero - and Let Us Take You Back to Last
Backstage, Torrie selects her lingerie, then gets surprised by her father - yes! The Al Wilson Across America tour! Torrie doesn't really want him to see the undies and scuttles him towards the locker room...
"WWE: The Videos, Volume 1" DVD ad - aw, geez, only TEN videos? CHEEEEEAP cheap cheap cheapcheapcheapcheapcheapcheapcheapcheap
Heeeeeey see the WWE LIVE tomorrow in Utica, Saturday in Rochester, Sunday in Buffalo, Monday in Quebec for RAW, and Tuesday in Toronto!
Benoit and Angle share another tender moment of staring while Stephanie paces in and out of the frame - mostly in. She begs for them to get along as tag team partners, because it will make the SmackDown! tag team division "legitimate." Hoo boy. Is it just me or do keep it zoomed out JUST enough for us to try to figure out if that's a camel toe or not? KUH-LASSEH. Anyhow, screw up and it's a year's suspension without pay. Angle says he's glad for the opportunity...he's gonna win this freakin' thing no matter who his partner is... "even if he's missing a few teeth....and a few brain cells." Benoit does his best fake laugh. "How funny. Hey, do I sense a little bitterness that you lost to me at Unforgiven? Mmm? Look, you may be an Olympic champion--" "You're damn right." "--but you've never been a tag team champion, so tonight, you follow MY lead...champ." He fingers the medals. "Don't touch." "Gentlemen...you're excused." "After you." "After you." "I asked you first." "I asked you second." "Well, I'm stayin'." "I'M stayin'." "Then fine, stay." "I WILL stay." Angle crosses his arms, Benoit crosses HIS...
"THIS is FUNAKI! SmackDown! #1! ANNOUNCER! Rey Mysterio - tonight, you and Edge - big championship tournament against Tajiri and Jamie Noble." "Funaki - tonight, Rey Mysterio and my boy Edge, in a tag team tournament - we are gonna put it down in Phoenix, Ari--" Nidia interrupts by hitting on Mysterio in spanish - something about taking the one out of the 619, I think - and Mysterio answers by calling her Perro Aguayo - wait, I may have misheard that. Anyway, Nidia storms off, and then Mysterio finishes his interview....ha ha, just kidding, we follow Nidia to Noble. "These guys are punking you out and you're totally doing NOTHING about it." Noble is confused, then angered when she turns her back to him and starts walking (WALKING!) off. "I'm Jamie Noble, the Cruiserweight Champion!" THEN, the crack WWE Security get involved, and Nidia slaps Noble's water into them, and... I *think* we're suppose to get a "COPS" vibe here, but instead I'm getting a "Nitro" vibe - you know, the one that calls out to you and says "uuuuuuse the faaaaaaaast fooooooorward"
Meanwhile, the Guerreros have gathered outside Stephanie's (EXCITING) door to celebrate their victory over Rikishi - not to mention last week over Mark Henry. After they win next week, it's on to No Mercy and a pair of belts. Benoit finally exits Stephanie's office (first?) - they ask him if he saw what they did to Rikishi's fat (beep) - when Benoit remains stoic, Eddie asks him if he's feeling something. "Did you just get in trouble with the principal, man?" They yuk it up. "Eddie...I don't know *what* the hell is up with that Stephanie, okay? But I will be DAMNED if I'm gonna sit at home another year because of that Olympic Ego, Kurt Angle." Chavo says he's heard that Angle plans on taking a year off. Eddie says oh yeah, Kurt wants to take time off to train for the Olympics - in what, figure skating? "Ese - I don't know, man. You better (something) vato. If I were you, ese - I'd be verrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrry careful! I mean, if Kurt's gonna... go down, looks like he wants to take you down with him! I don't know, man." Angle exits at this point. "Hey, what's up, home slice? Word up, my Chicano friend." The Guerreros take off. "Was it something I said? ...wait a minute. Were you guys talkin' about me? Listen, Benoit...we may - we may not be able to fight during our matches, but if you don't tell me what you guys were talking about...I'll beat it outta ya." Benoit smiles. "Yeah - you beat it out of me." And he walks off. Angle looks to and fro...
No Mercy hype - Hell in the Cell - 10 days away!
And now, the Burn of the Night, SPEEDing along to you with Stacker 2! From last week, Benoit does a bit of interfering and Edge ends up getting the win over Angle.
WWE TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP TOURNAMENT:
ROUND 1 - BILLY KIDMAN & JOHN CENA
(purple and orange - Suns) (already in the ring - 464 pounds) v. KURT
ANGLE (Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania - 237 pounds - with SmackDown! is brought
to you by Dreamworks' "The Ring," Stacker 2, and Clearisil!) and CHRIS
BENOIT (Edmonton, Alberta - 229 pounds - with Let Us Take You Back to Last
Brock, Paul, and...some hot chick...are WALKING! Heyman stops a nearby floor manager and commands him to make sure the path to the ring is clear, because Lesnar's headed to the ring... "with a very special guest."
Booker T shills Hungry-Man XXL
Jakks Pacific "WWE Metal Vengeance Arena" and action figures ad
Forceable Entry provides a Special Video Look at Matt Hardy. "When you think about all that I've accomplished here in the WWE, the first thing that you think of is Desire. That's definitely true, but I have something much more important than desire - I have that special unknown. I've got...it. And that is... Mattitude. ... When I step into the ring, my opponent can feel the Mattitude in the air. And it makes the work even harder, because of that something extra, because of that intangible that only Matt Hardy version 1 possesses. Mattitude isn't thinking that I'm the best; Mattitude is KNOWING that I'm the best. Everybody is unique. Everybody has something that sets them apart from everyone else. I just happen to be gifted with something that makes me better - something that no one seems to understand, but everyone wishes they had. People know when they see Matt Hardy, they're witnessing something special...and that's why they love me. No one else can be me. No one else can be Matt Hardy. Welcome...to the era of Mattitude."
EARLIER TONIGHT! aka "18 paragraphs ago"
And now, KING BROCK LESNAR, PAUL E. HEYMAN & "THE TOMATO" as Tazz calls her head to the ring. Heyman parts the ropes for the skirt...looks like he'll be speaking first as well. "We came here tonight to talk about The Undertaker. You see, The Undertaker is in the back right now, nursing a broken hand - a hand that was broken by the WWE Champion, Brock Lesnar. And yet The Undertaker is still in the back from what my source is telling me, (station ID) and he is screaming about Hell in a Cell. What kind of a man wants to enter Hell in a Cell with the WWE Champion? The Undertaker - what kind of a man is The Undertaker? The Undertaker, who has shortened careers in Hell in a Cell; The Undertaker, who has taken years off o' men's lives in Hell in a Cell; The Undertaker, who at No Mercy wants to be locked inside Hell in a Cell with Brock Lesnar! Now the question remains, what kind of a man is The Undertaker, quite frankly, I'm not qualified to answer that question...but Tracy, on the other hand...Tracy, as you know, Brock, is VERY qualified to tell us all just what kind of a man The Undertaker happens to be." "I'll tell you--" but the music has already hit and THE AWESOME UNDERTAKER is out to make his second appearance of the night. Vest is off! Lesnar and Heyman take off for the outside, leaving the woman...who he almost pops right then and there, but holds back. "What, are you gonna hit me now? You know...how COULD you? How could you, Mark? For three months, you have *lied* to me and slept with me...and now I find out you're married? And your wife is pregnant. You're a bastard!" Heyman & Lesnar yuk it up from the ramp. "I NEVER even cared that you were The Undertaker. I never watched wrestling! I even promised you that I would *never* take our relationship public...now I see why, don't I." Crowd is so enthralled by this development they work up a "Brock, you suck" chant. "Sara...I hope you're watching. I am sorry that you had to find out about me like this - I didn't know - and your husband lied to me, just like he's lying to you. You know, I wonder how many other women you sleep with, Mark--" Well, he must have had enough of her calling him Mark - he's got the mic! "Listen, lady - I have NO IDEA who you are." She slaps him! Then leaves. Taker makes a Tackleberry face. Heyman commends her bravery as they head back up the ramp and to the back. Sheesh, all we needed was Clarence Mason holding a writ of alienation of affection...
Let's rapidly move on to the WWE Slam of the Week. It's brought to you by "The Ring." From last week, Lesnar F-5's Taker, then officially breaks his hand with a propane tank. Before the WWE dies, it'll promo "The Ring."
"The Scorpion King" DVD & video ad
TV-PG-DLV - everyone walks away, but Stephanie blocks their path. After dueling "umms," Stephanie reveals that since Jamie Noble hasn't returned, Brock Lesnar will instead team with Tajiri in tonight's other Round 1 tag team tourney match. Heyman says there's no way Lesnar can compete in this unsafe working environment. Stephanie calls Paul "Brock....and Paul," then says that a healthy tag team division is vital to SmackDown!, Lesnar WILL compete, and everyone's barred from ringside...and if Taker interferes, then he'll forfeit his chance at No Mercy. I suppose this would be meaningful...if Taker merely cared about getting the belt as opposed to getting at Lesnar. But, gee, I kinda think the way this thing has been written, Taker just MIGHT want to get his hands on Lesnar for other reasons that to get the belt. I know, call me crazy...
STRAIGHT BILLY GUNN (Austin, Texas -
269 pounds - with Straight Chuck
Palumbo - and Monday in Montreal hype) v. D-VON (Dudleyville -
247 pounds - with Ron Simmons - with Let Us Take You Back to Last
Backstage, the cameras catch Taker trying to explain to his wife how she could possibly be watching this seeing as it's taped two days ahead. I guess he hooked her up with one o' them cool-ass satellite pickup dealios, right? Anyway, she isn't interested in his explanations and hangs up on him. He is...frustrated!
Time now to find out when the WWE is next coming to your area! Well, only if you live in Edmonton (Saturday), Calgary (Sunday), London (Monday) or Toronto (Tuesday) - otherwise, you're screwed
Backstage, Chavo cries out for Benoit...when he finds him, Chavo says Kurt Angle jumped him from behind and now he's beating up Eddie. Chavo leads him to a darkened room, then holds the door shut as the sound effects tell the story....and then Uncle Eddie emerges from the room, twisted chair in hand. "Did you get the job done?" "Did I get the job done?" He shows off the chair. "Kurt ANGLE...got the job done."
Meanwhile, Torrie asks her father if he could just hang backstage so as not to ogle her in her lingerie. He agrees, and she says they'll go have dinner later. Geez, he sure seems to linger on her as she walks away, doesn't he? That's....a little disturbing. As soon as she leaves, Dawn Maries shows up and asks him if he's ever seen "Twin Peaks" before - then undoes her robe. "To be honest, I've ...never been abroad before." She kisses him on the cheek and sashays away. My favourite part of this is watching the security guy's head turn...
No Mercy ad - "Hi Pete"
GEE! The Extreme Blast of the Night is ROCKED by JVC's Tower of Power! From last week, Dawn Marie engages in shenanigans after losing the bikini contest.
Check out the ....building! Also, they hype next week's Toronto show.
Tazzzzzzzzzzzzz is in the ring to shill "Divas Undressed: the Magazine," then to introduce...
TORRIE SAMUDA v. DAWN MARIE in a lingerie contest - Torrie's sweets of choice tonight is a red licorice whip. This is where you write your OWN joke about Torrie and a whip. Say, have they ever actually taken the time to explain to us why Dawn Marie actually competes in these contests...or even hangs around anymore? I mean, is she still sleeping with Vince McMahon? Probably not. Is she still doing any legal stuff? Surely, if she's travelling from town to town she can't be doing a lot of work for the lawyers, I mean she's always out of the office! Dawn Marie brings the goods - I don't know, garters always seem so COMPLICATED. Torrie has opted for a "Sable special" halter - Dawn doesn't seem to want her as much this week. Crowd cheers for Dawn Marie (Tazz notes it's better than being booed, like last week) - then goes molten for Torrie. Geez, I wonder how they tape her breasts to that thing. Dawn graciously offers the Hand of Friendship...but Torrie gives her a Flair impersonation. Well, Dawn will sure have the last laugh when she gives birth to Torrie's next half-sibling!
No Mercy ad - HHH/Kane hyped, despite the fact that both competitors are RAW talent
Jakks Pacific ad #2
Commentators shill "Enterprise"
While Torrie showers and Pop waits outside the locker room door, Dawn Marie pays another visit. Why, that lech - he WAS watching the whole time! Dawn shows off her photos in the "Divas Undressed" magazine - as well as a bookmark that's actually the key to her hotel room (604). She hopes he'll return them to her tonight. "I'll be waiting!" Hey, I'll bet you didn't see THAT coming! (Also, Disciplinarian bought Bronco Billie's family ranch!)
Meanwhile, Heyman and Lesnar are WALKING! Heyman pronounces Mysterio "abusive yet elusive." Lesnar stops him to borrow Heyman's phone. "NOW? We're going out to the ring, Brock!" "Hey, how you doin'? I'm just callin' to see if you're okay. I mean, the stress you must be underright now...to witness that on live television - I can't believe it. What do you MEAN you don't know who this is? You gotta be kiddin' me, right? I'm, I'm really offended. Why, it's Brock Lesnar! And I'm so glad that we could spend another moment like this together....Sara." And he hands it back to Paul. He is AGHAST! "Sara? You called Sara?! Hahahaha...."
EARLIER TONIGHT! aka "19 paragraphs ago" - man, there are so many replays tonight, I should just put up last week's recap in tribute!
UP NEXT: Rey Mysterio & Edge vs. Brock Lesnar & Tajiri in the final Round 1 match in the tag team tournament!
Stacker 2 ad #2 - man, isn't trying to sell ephedra-free Stacker 2 a lot like trying to sell corn-free Fritos?
Tough Enough III begins next week - apparently, Hugh Morrus will YELL A LOT
WWE TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP TOURNAMENT -
ROUND 1 : KING BROCK LESNAR (WWE
Champion - Minneapolis, Minnesota - 295 pounds - with Paul Heyman) and
TAJIRI (Japan - 206 pounds - with Subway presents No Mercy, in just ten
days!) v. REY MYSTERIO (San Diego, California - 175 pounds) and EDGE
(Toronto, Ontario - 241 pounds)
Comment about this article in Wienerville