UPN Thursday! Are you ready? I'm not!
LAST THURSDAY: Tell 'em, Tracy
Closed captioned logo - opening credits are beautiful, people
ZIPPYRO! Coming atcher from Le Centre Aire Canade en Toronte, Ontarie 17.10.2e (enregistre 15.10e), cela est WWe SMACKDOWN!e - yet SAP *still* means transmitido en *espanol*
TONIGHT: Jamie Noble vs. Nidia - hold onto your hats and/or privates
TONIGHT: Tag team tourney semi-final match - Kurt Angle & Chris Benoit vs. Los Dos Guerreros! Speaking of which...
WWE TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP TOURNAMENT
SEMI-FINAL: EDGE (Toronto, Ontario -
241 pounds) and REY MYSTERIO (San Diego, California - 175 pounds) v.
D-VON & RON SIMMONS (525 pounds)
FUNAKI is backstage with Tajiri, who is apparently your special guest referee for the Nidia/Noble bout. He speaks about fifteen languages before Nidia shows up, Noble shows up, some foreplay ensues and then Nidia slaps Noble one forcing the men from Japan to engage in pullapart - Tajiri gets the better of the deal, holding onto Nidia for dear life. I get the feeling that this match is NEXT!
WWE Anthology spot - Ultimate Warrior's theme this time
Jakks Pacific Metal Vengeance Arena and action figures ad
You're watching UPN - Turn it up!
Geez, Forest, TRY to crack a smile, buddy
And now, the WWE Rewind, brought to you by Atari's "Godzilla: Destroy All Monsters Melee" - from last week's SmackDown!, Nidia (spurned by Mysterio) has a tiff with Noble
JAMIE NOBLE (already in the ring) v.
Backstage, Taker gets fitted up with a mic. He'll speak soon, I bet!
Stacker 2 ad (Bubba Ray Dudley) - isn't the idea of ephedra-free Stacker 2 analogous to, say, Boca burgers?
Tough Enough III - we premiere *tonight* with the casting special!
Take a peak at the ... big radio tower! SmackDown! is brought to you by "The Ring," JVC's Tower of Power and Taco Bell!
Your hosts are MICHAEL KING COLE & TAZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ. They throw it backstage to a few words from
THE AWESOME UNDERTAKER: "Of all the things that I've been in my life, I've never been a liar, so I've requested this time so I can get a few things off my chest and set the record straight. When I was accused by this woman of being a cheater...well I lied. I *do* know her. But I mean, look...I knew a lotta women like her back then. But see that was years ago. That was a long time ago - YEARS before I ever met my wife Sara. So to say I was surprised last week when I got to SmackDown! and hear this woman accusing me of being a cheater....surprise would be an understatement. But man, I had to make a judgement call. Because all I could see was my pregnant wife sittin' at home, watchin' this woman accuse me of being a cheater. Truth is, I haven't seen this woman in about seven years. I don't know what she wants - I don't know if she's been paid off by Brock Lesnar and Paul Heyman - I don't know...all I know is, the last week of my life has been a living hell due to Brock Lesnar and Paul Heyman. But let me guarantee you two something: the hell that I've been through is nothing - is NOTHING compared to the hell that I'm gonna put you two through this Sunday...in the cell."
The Guerreros - WALKING! - are rather proud of themselves. They find the lights off in their dressing room...and when Eddie turns them on, they're met by Chris Benoit. Chavo: "Whoa, I thought it was Kurt Angle there for a second!" and makes a face. Benoit seems...suspicious. "What? What is it? What - what's the look for, holmes? Ese...why you looking at me like that, ese vato. Oh, oh OH OH I get it - oh I get it - yeah - you think I'm the one that jumped you? You think I did? I can't believe it! Ese - I can't believe you're THINKING that, holmes. I can't just believe that you think that you I mean - wow - wow, that is - wow." Chavo: "You need to check yourself, bro." "I - I'm outta words. Ese - I mean, c'mon, Chris. Man, you ese, somes familia - we're family, man. Look, okay. Who jumped - who was with you when we came from WCW here to the WWE?" "He was!" "That's right, ese! Me Eddie Guerrero! Who was with you when we went from RAW to SmackDown!?" "He was!" "That's right, ese! Ese I'm on the road with you, I travel with you ese, we know each other's personal stuff, holmes! Ese - I mean, come on...when I was going through all my...my personal issues..." Eddie "breaks down" at this point - Chavo tries to reassuringly stroke his mullet. "You're the one who lent me your shoulder, ese, to cry on." Benoit pulls away when Guerrero tries it again "Hey vato ...ese you're hurting my FEEEELINGS!" "Look at him, man! He's hurtin'!" "What's the matter with you, ese? Oh. OH! I - I know that look - don't look at me like that ese! Oh I know what you're trying to do - oh, what, what what - (Spanish) - you wanna hit me, ese? Well come on, man. Come on, come on, go ahead, come on, come on - COME ON! HIT ME! Go ahead, come on! Oh - oh - you know what, man? If you're gonna accuse me of doing the damage to you and beating you up, I might as well do it!" Now fully ranting and raving, Chavo holds him back. "Come on, come on, come on. Don't bring yourself down to his level! Come on, let's go. SHAME on you, Chris Benoit! He's like a brother to you!" "Yeah!" "Come on..." It should be noted that Benoit hasn't said a DAMN thing this whole bit. This was *unbelievably* great.
No Mercy promo - Hell in the Cell hyped
And now, the WWE Smack of the Night! brought to you by Subway - eat Jared! From last week, Angle & Benoit advance in the tag team tournament when Benoit punks out Cena AND his partner...then makes Kidiman tap
Lesnar, Heyman and Tracy are WALKING! "OH! That lying son of a (beep)! In his past? He WISHES I was still in his past!" Lesnar (struggling to remember the line): "I think Stephanie McMahon is gonna be VERY interested in hearing this."
BILLY KIDMAN (Allentown, Pennsylvania -
215 pounds - with Earlier Tonight)
v. JOHN CENA (West Newbury, Massachusetts - 249 pounds -
Wow, that must have been a long, long walk - Tracy, Heyman and Lesnar have FINALLY made it to Stephanie's office. Tracy continues to accuse Taker of lying, offering that they slept together ten days ago. Stephanie says it's clear Tracy has no respect for Taker, her, or anybody else in the building, so she's no longer welcome on SmackDown! Heyman tells her it's okay, just wait in the car. Lesnar starts to shout, but Heyman stops him and butters her up...on his way to asking Stephanie to ensure the future of SmackDown! - and keep men like Matt Hardy and his client healthy - by ordering Taker to lose the cast before Hell in the Cell. Stephanie says she appreciates his appeal, albeit not the patronization...she takes it under advisement and will make her decision later. As for Lesnar, he should probably take out some of his pent-up aggression against Chuck Palumbo - NEXT!
TONIGHT: Torrie and Rikishi team up to take on Matt Hardy & Dawn Marie! Lord have mercy
Booker T shills chicken 'n' ribs
Catch the WWE live Saturday in Texarkana, Sunday for No Mercy in Little Rock, Monday in Jackson and Tuesday in Memphis!
Back to the office, where Taker tells Stephanie Tracy is a lying (beep). Stephanie appeals for calm, but Taker is a little unhappy that she's actually considering Heyman's request, seeing as how Lesnar broke his hand in the first place. Stephanie says she has to consider all sides, and he HAS been using it as a weapon. "Is that what this is all about? Because this is an offensive weapon? You think the things I've done have been offensive? Well let me show you how offensive I can be!" and he breaks her lamp with his cast. Yeah, SURELY that'll help her see *his* side of it
KING BROCK LESNAR (WWE Champion -
Minneapolis, Minnesota - 295 pounds -
with Paul Heyman - AND Subway presents No Mercy in just three days!) v.
CHUCK PALUMBO (San Diego, California - 276 pounds) in a nontitle
MOMENTS AGO! See previous paragraph - could this be the last time Taker uses that cast as a weapon? A few angles of the shot that busted Lesnar wide open
Backstage, Torrie stretches seductively...then catches sight of her father. He seems kinda anxious, though - looking over his shoulder while talking to his daughter. She saw the show last week and wants to know what's up with Dawn Marie. He produces a bouquet of flowers. "I got these for you." She drops everything and hugs him. She says she'll see him after her match, then drops the flowers off with Jan the Makeup Girl on her way to the let's all watch her ass while she walks
TV-PG-DLV - and Let Us Take You Back to Last Week)
North Carolina - 234 pounds) v. RIKISHI (American
Samoa - 350 pounds - with SmackDown! in Nashville hype)
"Extra" hype - see the divas in a swimsuit sneak
preview!) in a mixed tag
While the doctor and trainer look at a stitched up Lesnar, Heyman rants and raves. "She's such a McMahon--" "Paul - I'll be fine! Do me one favour - go to Stephanie, and tell her to make Undertaker take that cast off before Hell in the Cell. Get outta here, go tell her!"
TONIGHT: The other tag team championship tournament semi-final!
No Mercy spot - hi Pete
Jakks Pacific ad #2
Hey fellas, not getting enough? DYE YOUR HAIR Ha ha ha that'll work
Commentators shill "Buffy" - and I don't mean St. Marie
Heyman does some more raving to Stephanie about Undertaker and his cast. He offers the lamp. "Look at this! This could have been, this WAS Brock Lesnar's head." Stephanie says she'll make her decision later. Paul does some MORE shouting...and Stephanie...repeats herself! WOW!
Commentators smoothly move into the hype - seven big matches have been announced and it'll all happen in just three days! Right now, Triple H and Kane each have a belt but come Sunday, the Winner Takes All! The WWE tag team championship tourney final will yield a new champ! Trish Stratus puts her title on the line against Victoria! Rob van Dam meets Ric Flair! New world tag team champions Chris Jericho & Christian do battle with Booker T & Goldust! One on one - Torrie Wilson clashes with Dawn Marie! And within the confines of the Hell in the Cell, Brock Lesnar will put the WWE Championship on the line when he meets The Undertaker!
Benoit and Angle engage in a staring contest (KISS HIM!) until Angle breaks the silence. "What - what's that look for? Wait a minute - I know what that look's for! You're lookin' at my gold medals! You're jealous of 'em, aren't you? You've ALWAYS been jealous of my gold medals. Well you know what, Ben-- wait a minute. It's not my gold medals, is it? No, I know that look. You actually think I had something to do with the Guerreros attacking you last week? Gimme a freakin' break! You're gonna BUY that load o' crap? How gullible are you? Listen, Benoit - I'm gonna smarten you up - if I were gonna go after you...I'd do it to your face. And besdies, we're gonna go out there next, we're facin' the Guerrerors - and not only is a shot at the WWE tag team titles on the line...but a one year suspension if SOMEBODY here screws up! And I don't know what I'll do with myself for a full year. Train for the Olympics? Gimme a break! Look at me! I sure as heck don't need a full year to train for the Olympics...it's true. It's damn true." Again, no words from Benoit...
Here's my imitation of that ad for "The Tuxedo." "I am very popular." ...hmm, maybe you have to hear me say it to really appreciate it
"Please don't try this at home." PSA
Focus them peepers on The World! Without having a better opening, might I take this time to note than what's becoming a typically lucky break for the WWE, ABC Family has opted to schedule their heavily-promoted special featuring on-the-WWE-payroll "illusionist" Criss Angel up against...No Mercy. Yep.
Again, Torrie Wilson is WALKING! In that outfit, I can forgive her. Jan's been busy butting in, it appears - she shows Torrie the card from the flowers and reveals that the bouquet was actually meant for Dawn Marie. Torrie goes in search nipple nipple nipple nipple and finally goes into the Women's Locker Room...where she finds Al's shoes and jacket on a chair. Heading into the shower (!), she gives us "shock" as the camera moves over to find a nekkid Dawn and a pretty-much-fully-clothed Al in an embrace. Camera zooms in just quick enough for me to not be able to figure out if she was covering her ass at all or not (surely she was wearing a flesh thong, right? Believe me, I tried and tried and tried to figure it out - man, I'm lonely) Anyway, Torrie storms off and Al....well, he pretty much looks like he always looks. C'mon, he's a DAD, not an ACTOR
WWE TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP TOURNAMENT
SEMI-FINALS: KURT ANGLE (Pittsburgh,
Pennsylvania - 237 pounds) and CHRIS BENOIT (Edmonton, Alberta - 229
pounds - with SmackDown! in Memphis hype) v. EDDIE & CHAVO GUERRERO (El
Paso, Tejas - 441 pounds)
Stacker 2 ad #2 - isn't trying to sell ephedra-free Stacker 2 a bit like trying to sell caffeine-free Jolt Cola?
Geez, I have a feeling that before I die, I'll see yet another ad for "The Ring"
When we come back, the bell has apparently already rung - Eddie is stomping away on Angle in the corner and giving him a few words as well. Elbow, elbow, elbow, punches the back of the neck, right, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp. Chioda actually has to POINT TO HIS PATCH to get a little recognition of the rules! Eddie back on him - Angle reverses the whip, though, and lands the back elbow - Chavo in and he gets a hiptoss and goes out. Right to Eddie, right, right, right, right, kick, kick, right, right, right. Whip into the opposite corner, bowls him over with a lariat, cover, 2. Free shot takes Chavo to the floor. Back to Eddie - snaps off the suplex - 1, 2, no. Grabs Eddie by the hair and makes the tag ot Benoit - open kick, elbow, elbow, chop, headbutt, kick, into the ropes, back elbow, cover, 2. Backbreaker. 1, 2, no. "Benoit (clapclap)" chant. Tag to Angle, kick by Angle, by Benoit, by Angle. Angle right, into the ropes is reversed, Eddie connects with a back elbow and quickly makes the tag. Chavo in just as quick and stays on Angle with a boot to the head, a stomp, a stomp, a stomp, arm wringer into a short-arm clothesline, 1, 2, Angle kicks out. European uppercut. Gutshot - forearm to the back of the head. Into the ropes is reversed...and Angle catches him with a belly-to-belly over head suplex! Angle mouths off to Eddie, then applies the side headlock to Chavo and backs into his corner for the tag - Benoit in, free kick to the abdomen, into the ropes, buries the knee. Death suplex on Chavo gets Benoit 2. Benoit brings him up...and puts him down with a short clothesline. 1, 2, no. Chavo ducks the next short clothesline and HE connects with a death suplex. Chavo grabs a headlock and tags Eddie. Stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp. Elbow, Euro uppercut, has some indecision about the next move and Benoit clamps on the crossface (!) but Chavo wastes no time breaking *that* up. Roll and tag to Chavo after he heads back to the corner - kick, kick, Benoit kick, chop, chop, kick by Chavo, Euro uppercut, chop, chop, pulls Benoit out of the corner, snapmares him over and applies the headlock once again. Crowd chants "we want Angle!" Benoit struggles back to his feet - elbow, elbow breaks it up, chop, chop, off the ropes but Eddie puts a knee in the back...and Benoit walks into a dropkick from Chavo. Cover - 2! Tag to Eddie - trademark slingshot senton in. Eddie's ashufflin'. Kick to the head. Kick to the ribs. Stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp. BIG "Angle" chant. Chavo with some punishment while Eddie pops Angle to keep Chioda occupied. Big doubleteam behind the ref's back here. When he turns back, Chavo has him in the headlock one more time. "We want Angle!" Benoit to his feet - shoves Chavo to the corner, elbow, into the oppostie corner, but Chavo gets the elbow up and connects with the face. Chavo outside and going up - but Benoit is up, crotches him and climbs up after him - TOP ROPE SUPERPLEX just like that - both men are down and Angle *really* wants that tag - and so does the house! TAG TO ANGLE!! Lariat for Eddie, lariat for Chavo, lariat for Eddie, Eddie into the ropes, biiig back body drop, ducks the swing from Chavo, German release suplex! Eddie sneaks in a shot, but Angle reverses the whip, then catches him in a belly-to-belly overhead - leg is hooked, 1, 2, Chavo breaks it up! Whip reversal is reversed back, and Chavo lands a dropkick - all four men in the ring now, Benoit puts Chavo in the corner, and gives HIM a German suplex on his way backing out - wants two but Eddie is up from behind - Benoit reverses on Eddie and gives HIM a German suplex. Benoit outside - Benoit up - Benoit DOWN with the SWANDIVE HEADBUTT!! Angle over to hook the leg - 1, 2, Chavo saves it AGAIN! Chavo with the brainbuster on Angle (!), then clothesline Benoit AND himself out of the ring...meanwhile, Eddie is over to hook the leg - 1, 2, NO!!!!! Eddie thinks it's time to go for it all - climbing to the top...but Angle pops up BUT Eddie shoves him off - FROG SPLASH! 1, 2, Benoit breaks it up! CROSSFACE!! One man yet to be heard from, and sure enough Chavo comes in and breaks up the hold with an axehandle to the back of Benoit's neck. Suplex coming up - no, Benoit goes behind - and it's *Benoit* tossing Chavo over the top to the floor!! Olympic slam, no, Eddie to his feet, shoving Angle into Benoit and Chioda, and Chioda (oh no) loses all consciousness on his way to the floor - chop block by Eddie on Angle...and now tying up Angle for the Lasso from El Paso! Eddie's eye is looking NASTY...Angle manages to roll out of the hold and apply the ANGLELOCK! Guerrero taps (!) but there's still no referee...Chavo brings a chair into the ring with him - Benoit right behind him and pulling the chair away. Chavo begs off...but Benoit offers the Hand of Friendship! Ohhhhhh Angle quickly releases the ankelock as he realises what's coming...but Benoit turns back, braining Chavo! WHACK in the back for Eddie. OLYMPIC SLAM!! Benoit rousts Chioda as Angle hooks the leg - 1, 2, 3!!! (10:45) It's Edge & Mysterio against Benoit & Angle this Sunday and either way, two fine singles competitors are gonna be stuck in tag team competition for a while - I mean, that match will RULE! Replays yep. Brackets yep. Cole has NEVER looked forward to seeing a pay-per-view matchup like he's looking forward to seeing this one...man, he shouldn't let stuff like that slip out.
Backstage, MARC LLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLOYD paces nervously outside Stephanie's door. When she emerges, he asks if she's made her decision about Taker's cast. "It's been a tough decision, but yes, I have made up my mind, Marc. However, I'm going to make my announcement publicly...in the ring." And now she's WALKING! away - no, we don't really need that shot, but I'm sure lots of people who aren't me track the movements of her hips and correlate them to the health of the economy - wait, what?
Tough Enough III is NEXT!
The Stacker 2 Burn of the Night still features that Stacker 2 car...which probably has very little to do with the mob...well, you'd think, anyway. From last week, Taker BURNS Lesnar....um...by swinging his cast.
STEFFO walks out for our main event...interview, trying her damnedest to make everything wiggle the way she wants in the process. Give her credit, she's managed to keep her hands from being surgically attached to her hips most of the night, so at least there's that. "Before I make my decision public, I'd like to bring out...accompanied by his agent, PAUL HEYMAN...the WWE Champion BROCK LESNAR." While we wait for the to get to the ring, let's take an EARLIER TONIGHT! of Taker's earlier rampage. Lesnar looks smart in bandaged forehead. "Paul, you've given me a very interesting decision to make tonight. Do I allow The Undertaker to compete in Hell in the Cell with a cast on his hand? Now on the one hand, Brock Lesnar did break The Undertaker's hand to begin with...and the Hell in the Cell is an anything goes match. However, in examining The Undertaker's behaviour both last week and this week, The Undertaker has been using that cast as an offensive weapon. Last week, The Undertaker bloodied Matt Hardy. This week, The Undertaker bloodied Brock Lesnar. Therefore, this Sunday, in the Hell in the Cell match for the WWE Championship between Brock Lesnar and The Undertaker...The Undertaker....WILL...be allowed to wear his cast!" Play her music! Lesnar is LIVID. Stephanie goes to leave but Brock blocks her way...then slowly backs her into a corner. Then he gets REAL close...is he smelling her hair or what? Before we figure out just *what* his intentions are (I think he was gonna smear blood on her! What a sicko!), THE AWESOME UNDERTAKER hits the ring...but Lesnar catches him with a spinebuster! Stephanie's made her escape here, so with no one else to attack, Lesnar turns back to Taker, stomping on the cast. Heyman back in the ring. "You want Hell? Sunday, YOU GOT HELLLLLL" and he slaps him. *Heyman* shuffling! They go to leave...but Heyman can't help himself and goes back...but Taker catches the kick, mounts Heyman (his dream has come true!), soupbone left soupbone owwwww his hand hurts. Lesnar to the apron, cast soupbone owwwww his hand hurts. But back over to a (now bloodied) Heyman - soupbone soupbone soupbone, kick, kick, kick. Soupbone to take Lesnar off the apron. One for Heyman. Forearm to Lesnar's back. Here's a hint: if those punches CONNECTED, Taker would actually have some blood on his CAST. Ah well - play his music! Lesnar's up on the stage...but still has enough in him to show off his belt. Taker now shows off some blood on his cast...credits are up and we're out.
See you Sunday!
Comment about this article in Wienerville