/7 October 1999
DISCLAIMER: I'm in Calabasas and I forgot to ask Christopher Bird to sub
for me, so I'm HALF-ASSING it. It's up to you to decide whether or not
this is any worse than my normal half-assing of it...
You're watching UPN! THIS week on KCOP! Slogan: "When we said we were Very Independent, we were Lying To You"
The voice of Vince is over clips of a fallen comrade: "This week one of the greatest men I've ever known - Robert James Marella - passed away at age 62. He was celebrated and beloved worldwide as legendary superstar Gorilla Monsoon. To his friends, he was known simply as Gino. Gino had a gorilla-sized passion for life, this business, and more importantly, the people in it. Behind the scenes, he was a cornerstone in the World Wrestling Federation. Our thoughts and prayers go out to his wife Maureen, and his entire family. With great sadness and heavy hearts we say goodbye to Gino, a very special man who lived a very special life.
Robert James Marella - "Gorilla" - 1937-1999
One World Leader Attitude - TV-14-DLV - WWF!
SmackDown opening credits are close captioned! Sorta
FIREWORKS! We are ON TAPE from the Nassau Colesium from Long Island - Uniondale, NY 7.10.99 (taped 5.10) and this isn't wrestling, it's "action/adventure!"
X-PAC & THROUGH HELL FIRE AND BRIMSTONE IT'S KANE (with a can of Hansen's Energy Drink) v. MIDEON (with "Midian" tights) & VISCERA - note to WWF: these guys and the Acolytes shouldn't have the same theme music. X-Pac demands to start for his side - he and Mideon start off. Lockup, Mideon clubs him down, X-Pac punches back - off the ropes, reversed, back elbow. Off the ropes, duck, clotheslinen with a flip. Rights from X-pac, clothesline from Mideon. Tag to Viscera. X-Pac looks to Kane - and refuses to tag, asking Viscera to bring it on - so he does. X-Pac sneaks out of the corner, hits his trademark kicks, but Viscera catches X-Pac in a Samoan Drop - Kane saves at 2. Viscera stomping away - tag to Mideon - elbowdrop misses. Right hand from Mideon - enzuigiri from X-Pac - but again, incredibly, no tag to Kane? Kane tags HIMSELF in, and takes it to Mideon -there's the big boot - Viscera in - dropkick to take him out of the ring! Chokeslam for Mideon. 1, 2, 3. (2:42) X-Pac throws a tantrum as Kane's music plays. The ACOLYTES break up this discussion with some fisticuffs and leave them laying. These four men have a four corners match at No Mercy, in case you're interested.
KEVIN "NAILZ" KELLY is backstage with the Rock - Rock compares British Bulldog to a blemish on the Rock's buttocks. He'll whup up on Bulldog's ass in ten days - and there's two things he can do about it. Moving to a more pressing issue, Rock turns to Val Venis - taking umbrage to Venis stuffing his shorts with a sock bearing his likeness. Sounds like we got a match tonight.
Also tonight, an update on Stephanie McMahon's medical condition, courtesy Shane! Road Dogg takes on Hardcore Holly! And the first ever WWF mud wrestling match? Who'll be in it? Who knows? Also tonight, Stone Cold Steve Austin puts Triple H in his sights - figuratively, we hope, if that graphic is any indication.
Elsewhere in the building, we see a sign on the door stating "WARNING: POSIONOUS SNAKES"
Mankind, wearing his "MICK" jacket, applauds Rock as he WALKS by! Rock gives no indication that he's aware of any reason for Mankind to be applauding. I have a tie just like Mankind's!
LILIAN GARCIA catches up to Mankind as we come out of the ad break. Apparently, he has interpreted Rock's previous interview as Rock "fighting my battles for me." In return, Mankind says he'll fight one of Rock's battles for HIM, and challenges British Bulldog for tonight.
ROAD DOGG (with King Ass) v. HARDCORE HOLLY (with Crash & Scale Holly) - there's a tag team title matchup at No Mercy and representatives of each side collide in this matchup. Outlaws do their really boring spiel. Dogg ducks the first attack, hits a right, there's another right. Into the corner, Holly tries a lariat coming out but Dogg takes him down again for 1. Off the ropes, back body drop. Dogg waggles his knees and the crowd has their first reaction. Off the ropes, reversal, Holly with a dropkick. Knee from Holly - kick, choke on the second rope. Crash puts up a choke of his own as referee "Blind" Earl Hebner's back is turned talking to Mr. Ass. Again Hardcore brings Ass up to the apron, and Crash gets in some licks. Whip into the corner, boot up, Dogg rushes but there's a powerslam from Holly. 1, 2, no. Later tonight a mud wrestling match courtesy Jeff Jarrett enterprises! Rear chinlock from Holly - Dogg gets out but there's a clothesline for 2. Right from the Dogg, again, eyepoke from Holly, and throws him over the top rope, where Crash takes over while Hardcore gets Ass riled up and Hebner goes outside to keep him away from the action. Back in the ring - 2 count. Surprise small package from Dogg for 2! Holly with a snapmare, drops the forearm. Stomp, scoop - and a slam. Holly to the apron - taking a lot of time posing - to the top turnbuckle - but Dogg puts up a boot! Both men down - who's up first? Both men at the same time. Dogg ducks a swing, then hits some of his goofy punches, his goofier kneedrop, reverse buttdrop on the second rope - set up for the pumphanle slam but Crash is in - Dogg sidesteps him and he slides out to the waiting arms of Ass. That was just enough of a distraction to allow Holly to hit the Falcon Arrow on Dogg and get the upset, 1, 2, 3! (5:14) Holly out to berate Michael Cole to take him seriously now - the Outlaws regroup and take it to the Hollys, killing off the music of the winners and playing theirs instead.
"Mark Henry's 1st Sex Therapy Session" - I keep waiting for the therapist to follow up "You can trust me" with "along with everybody watching the tape on the other end of this camera." Need I remind you that the therapist is female, attractive, and extremely short-skirted? Mark's first sexual encounter was at age....eight. With..........his sister. "When was the last time you had sex with your sister?" "Day before yesterday." Say, did Vince Russo write this? Bob Ryder likes Russo now, right?
Hey, lookit all the MUD in that ring!
Did I yet mention that OvalTron is to the LEFT of the Time Tunnel this week? Well all right. WWF SmackDown! is brought to you by Capcom's Dino Crisis, Skittles, and Lugz!
JEDOUBLEF JADOUBLEREDOUBLET is in waders and out with MIDOUBLES KIDOUBLETY. "Finally I have found a place for the women of the WWF - mud wrestling! After that fiasco on RAW Monday night, this is the only place that broads should be fighting - so later on tonight, right here in this very mud ring, courtesy of Jarrett Enterprises ... Miss Kitty will be getting it on knee deep in this slop. And since the women of the WWF are so obsessed with their cleavage, the only way to win the match is not by a 1-2-3, but it's by ripping your opponent's top off. And Kitty, you've been apologising for the past few days, if you want to get back on my good side, you better not back out. And Chyna, I've got a few words for you - there WILL be no backing out of the Good Housekeeping match at No Mercy, because I WILL show No Mercy." Did I mention that Kitty is EXTREMELY unpleased and apparently previously unaware that she was competing tonight? Yeah.
TERRY TAYLOR is backstage with British Bulldog, who cares only about the WWF title and has no time for worrying about challenges from Mankind, how well the Rock is doing, or even how Stephanie McMahon is faring. But he'll be happy to cripple Mankind tonight anyway. This promo is cut short as Mankind strikes. The officials and referees make a timely appearance and Bulldog extricates himself. Mankind lends chase...
Battledome - is it American Gladiators with better stories? Enquiring minds want to know, but not if it involves watching!
Our intrepid cameraman has ventured past the warning on the door and discovered - snakes! In aquariums!
EDGE & CHRISTIAN (2) v. NEW BROOD (0, with a burning ring o' far and "guns to my head" hand signal) in Match 3 of the Terri Runnels Invitational - TERRI comes out before the match and says she wants to stir things up a bit. THIS match will be Tejas Tornado rules. That means that unlike other tag team matches, the four men can all be in the ring at the same time and it'll be legal. Again, Gangrel is nowhere to be seen. Edge and Christian completely in charge with doubleteams a plenty - nice double flapjack of Matt onto Jeff. Matt and Christian go outside - nice move where Christian dumps Matt onto the apron, where he springs off and drops into a DDT. In fact, it makes the Double Feature! Each team has now done the "spring off the partner on all fours into the opponent into the corner" move. Edge comes back with a double clothesline. Jeff hits one of his "run the barricade" moves but the camera angle missed it. Well, the Double Feature saw it. Matt hits a legdrop off the second rope on Edge but there's a kickout. Edge with a flurry, but he's still one on two. Christian FINALLY back up and in the ring - pier four brawl continues - Christian's doing the house afire bit - got Jeff set up but Matt breaks it up - double ...well, Christian flips up and out of it and there's a double slop drop. Only 2, though. Spear from Edge! 1, 2, Matt saves. Going for the piggyback superplex again - it HITS! But Jeff is in position - SENTONBOMB! Edge tossed out - both Broodsters cover Christian. 1, 2, 3. (6:12) This match was a hell of a lot better than my half-assed description. Let's check the replay for the spear, the "stacked up superplex," the sentonbomb and it's 2-1 and I bet the Brood takes match 4!
In the locker room, we gaze 'pon the countenance fair of Val Venis - who opens up his fly, pulls out Mr. Rocko, and fondles accordingly. I did NOT need to see that at this point of the night.
Here's another look at that there mud-filled ring.
Tonight on the KCOP 10 o'clock news - an inside look at TORI!
The WWF Boot of the Week (brought to you by Lugz) is the Fabulous Moolah's pinfall victory last Monday, and Jarrett putting Kitty into the figure four postmatch.
JEDOUBLEF JADOUBLEREDOUBLET has supplemented his waders with a slicker and Barry Windham's kitchen gloves. He would like to invite out the WWF Ladies' Champion to get a front row view of this matchup - as a woman who brings honour and respect to the women of the WWF. Like he's really buttering her up for...well, anyway here's IVORY sans scarf. MIDOUBLES KIDOUBLETY is the first woman out to compete. She removes her robe to reveal...a lovely bikini. She immediately loses a high heel in the mud. "And now I would like to introduce her opponent - Ivory--" and he shoves her in the ring. What follows can't adequately be described with both hands on the keyboard. Suffice to say both women are wearing thongs, Ivory's shirt comes off but not her bra - and yup, Kitty loses her top but we can't see any of the goods since the mud kinda covers everything. Ivory seems so DEFIANT brandishing that bikini top! To add insult to injury, MAE YOUNG & FABULOUS MOOLAH come out and Jarrett shoves THEM into the ring. "Two old fat sows wallering in the mud!" Here's THAT SLUT CHYNA come out, putting a foot in Jarrett's back and causing him to flip into the ring. Ho ho ho. I'm sure gonna *miss* quality writing like this...until next month on Nitro...
Backstage, we see British Bulldog - and - he's WALKING!
Michael Hayes and Shane McMahon share a sofa backstage.
Let Us Take You Back to Saturday in Birmingham at Rebellion where Davey Boy Smith demanded a title shot, slung a metal garbage can - and apparently walloped Stephanie. Let Us Move Ahead to RAW where Bulldog said some stuff that I may have transcribed a few days ago. Later on that same program, Michael Hayes interviewed Test, who said her fiancee didn't even recognise him.
MICHAEL HAYES is with SKIPPY, who says that Stephanie is progressing day-by-day, but still suffers from amnesia. The wedding, unfortunately, has been postponed. Hayes asks Shane if he's been hearing Bulldog's comments of late - Shane makes the prune face and walks off.
Eidos Interactive, makers of "Legacy of Kain: Soul Reaver," proudly bring you WWF No Mercy - in ten days and ONLY ON PAY-PER-VIEW!
BRITISH BULLDOG v. MANKIND - this week's tie is the WWF logo one - I've got one myself, you know. Bulldog draws first attack. Headbutts and stomping, there's a knee, head to the buckle, Mankind punches back repeatedly. Running knee. Mankind choking on the apron. Kick, kick, Bulldog is out, Mankind follows. Uppercut, vertical suplex - nope, Bulldog counters and hits one of his own. Bulldog back to the headbutt, clubbing blow, they're at the commentary table and Mankind's head hits it. Bulldog stops to badmouth Cole and Mankind comes back, taking Bulldog to the barricade. Bulldog comes quickly back with a whip into the STEEL steps - and Mankind flies. Bulldog has a STEEL chair as we take a gander at the (unsponsored) Double Feature - WHACK! Referee "Blind" Mike Chioda telling Bulldog he's only gonna let him get away with that thirteen or fourteen more times. Mankind's head meets the STEEL steps again. Rolled back in the ring (finally!) - Bulldog back in - cover - 1, 2, no. Bulldog covers again and again gets 2. Crowd works up a weak "Foley" chant. Mankind up - elbowing out, again, Mankind with a headbutt of his own, off the ropes, Bulldog buries a knee in the gut. Head to the turnbuckle. Snapmare by the Bulldog for 2. To the rear chinlock. After a while, Mankind is up - and Bulldog's trick knee acts up. Bulldog on him with a right, off the ropes, head down, double underhook DDT from Mankind! Both men down and the count is on. At 6 Mankind is up ... and motioning for Mr. Socko. Mandible claw - hits CHIODA when Bulldog steps aside. Mankind lets go - and runs into a Bulldog forearm. Bulldog rams Mankind into the ref. Taken over the top rope, Bulldog follows and dismantles the STEEL steps - then dumps them on Mankind! Chioda, having come to, has already rung the bell (DQ 6:14) while Bulldog and Mankind brawl out through the crowd. Here's a replay of the steps shot.
Up next - Austin shoots some pumpkins!
WWF No Mercy promo sounds a bit like one of those goofy Havoc promos
"WWF SMACKDOWN is sports entertainment featuring trained professionals. Any attempt to perform the moves or stunts you see tonight could result in serious physical injury." Yeah, just ask...oh, that's right, I'm not supposed to make crass remarks like that because it'll disrupt your image of me. Forget I said anything.
Here's another look at all them snakes in all them aquariums.
"Earler this week" JIM ROSS and STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN go hunting for the elusive, wily, dangerous...pumpkin. This particular pumpkin has a photo of Triple H fastened to it. That's a baseball-sized hole left in that gourd! Hey, remember when Austin used his bow on a fake deer...and the photo he shot THEN was Jim Ross? That's, like, bad continuity.
Notice I didn't even bring up the Owen Hart photo...
Triple H enters the room full of aquariums, lifts the lid off one, and.....we fade out. Oh, I guess nobody wanted to see THAT, huh.
WELL IT'S A BIG SHOW v. BIG BOSSMAN - this match looks like it was taped for Heat, judging from the ceiling banners - and the fact that Jerry Lawler is away from the commentary position (the story is that he's checking on Kitty - but gee, why would he be checking on Kitty?) Also, strategic camera angles prevent us from seeing the aprons (which are propbably also Heat ones). What FINALLY seals the deal is Cole's commentary. "Well folks, we'd like to take this opportunity to update you on the condition of Droz. As many of you know, Droz was seriously injured earlier this week in a match. He dislocated two vertebrae in his neck and underwent surgery to stabilise it and realign his spine. Now doctors say they're wroking extremely hard to help Droz, however a prognosis for recovery won't be known for days. And our thoughts here in the World Wrestling Federation, and our prayers go out to Droz, his fiancee, and his entire family." Ditto from here, for what it's worth. Lockup, well it's a big shove to the corner, repeat it. Boots up from Bossman, right, right, right, head to the turnbuckle, well it's a big block - Bossman with a knee attempt but Show takes his head to the buckle. Well it's a big lariat. Well it's a big kick to take Bossman outside the ring. Show rubs his jaw and steps over the top rope to go out - Bossman crotches him. Bossman back in, and going for the crotch again. Hammering away with rights, peppering him now. Off the ropes, forearm underneath the jaw. There's another. A right from Bossman, well it's a big reversal, Bosssman ducks - BOSSMAN SLAM! 1, 2, well it's a big kickout over referee "Blind" Teddy Long. Well it's a big "IblockyourpunchIheadbuttyou" well it's another big headbutt. To one corner, then the other. Hey, he headbutts HIS OWN HAND! Bossman prevents the chokeslam by going to the nightstick, forcing Long to call for the bell. (DQ 2:24) Bossman working the nightstick, right to the jaw. Now he's got the cuffs out - but dagnabit if they're not big enough for the mighty ham hocks of the Big Show. He's recovered - ahhhhhhtheCHOKESLAAAAAM. I forget - is this guy a heel or a face?
Backstage, Rock paces - that's kinda like WALKING, isn't it?
Skittles brings you the WWF Rewind - Triple H and Jim Ross share a tender moment and heart-to-heart in the middle of the ring - from last Monday on RAW. Taste the rainbow!
Triple H talks to the camera. He's real sorry about that whole "stomping a mudhole in your ass" thing but he was in the wrong place at the wrong time. Triple H admits he's not the redneck hunter that Austin is - then he brandishes a snake (which is not a rattler, thank you, but we'll play along), puts it in a bag, ties up the bag, grabs a sledgehammer, and....ewwwwwww. I suppose I could have transcribed this so you could all suffer along with me, but dammit, I'm on vacation and deserve better. Cole screams as if that snake were his son.
Immediately following, TREBLE H walks out - with (apparently) a bloodied bag of dead snake. H promises that no matter how bad THIS rattlesnake looks, just wait until No Mercy - Austin's gonna end up in a body bag.
Courtesy Heat, Innercorse provides musical accompaniment to Triple H talking, clips from Unforgiven, British Bulldog talking, Vince McMahon making a title match on RAW, more clips from Unforgiven, clips from RAW, thank God I can just coast here. Elsewhere on this fine site there are Heat and RAW reports which cover all this - go read them. Go ahead. I'll be here when you get back, it's all right. Boy this thing just DRAGS, then randomly cuts between this RAW, that one, the PPV, Jakked, Super Astros, Wrestling Challenge, 11:Alive...well, actually I tuned out there and just started randomly listing shows. I'm sorry.
"Legacy of Kain: Soul Reaver" (from Eidos) brings you the Smack of the Night - Chyna's strategic boot to Jeff Jarrett's rump
Taylor catches up to Triple H backstage, but he walks off. Failing to get a word from him and spying Val Venis, this turns into a Venis interview. I guess he's a heel now, once and for all... Before he can finish bragging, Mankind is on him. But his momentum is short-lived as British Bulldog puts in an appearance to join the fray. Time to bring on the referees and officials to break it up - now bring on the ads!
"During the Break" footage shows Rock walking by a wounded Mankind, who implores Rock to "win one for the Micker." Rock, of course, has no idea who the Micker is.
BALD VENIS v. LA ROCA in a no DQ match - I don't exactly know WHEN this became a "no DQ" match - but so it is. Fortunately for all of us, NEITHER man gets mic time - Val tries to attach before the bell, but nothing doing as Rock lays in with his STAGGERING array of punches. And there's a suplex for 2. Chop, kick, kick, kick - well, maybe they're stomps and not kicks. Off the ropes, duck, Rock takes him over the top rope. Rock outside to follow, Venis takes over with some licks of his own. Whip into the barricade is reversed and it's Venis over the top. Rock follows and buries his foot into Venis' abs. Looks like some paint on the floor stuck to his back. Back in the ring now, right, off the ropes, swinging neckbreaker. 1, 2, no. Rock stomping, stomping, up by the (ha) hair, head to the turnbuckle, snapmare, to the rear chinlock. Crowd is (rightfully) bored out of its collective mind. Venis elbows out, hits some rights, but eats an elbow off the ropes. Stomp, stomp, head to the buckle, kick, kick, off the ropes, Val holds on and goes outside. He's walking away! But Rock follows, and there's a running lariat on the ramp. Up to the Time Tunnel ovals - head to the oval. Venis finally comes back by reversing a whip (to where?) and hitting a short clothesline. Stomping away now - they're walking down the ramp - Rock counters and hits a belly-to-back suplex on the floor of the ramp. Back to the ring, whip into the apron, clothesline. Walking around - head to the barricade - Rock has him on his shoulder but Venis pushes him off into the STEEL post. Venis on Rock with punches and kicks, into the barricade, knife-edge chops. Rock comes back and whips Venis into the STEEL steps. Rock appropriates a headset. Rock puts Venis' head into the commentators' table. Rock puts the headset on Venis but he doesn't get a chance to participate in an interview as Rock smacks him. Here's a mouthful of Gatorade - spit into Venis. Back in the ring. Venis manages a spinebuster counter for a near fall. Stomping away on him. Setting him up for a "what a" vertical suplex. 1, 2, no. Venis to the rear chinlock. These guys aren't ready for ten minute matches, are they? Venis attempting to work the chinlock - which is amusing. Arm falls once, arm falls twice - arm doesn't fall twice. Rock up - punching out, now hitting a series of rights to the head. Off the ropes, reversed, head down, head to the apron. Rock with a fisherman's suplex for 2 - that move NEVER works! Off the ropes is reversed, Rock floats over for the DDT, 1, 2, no. See, they're TRYING to show you the Rock knows some moves! Are you buying it? Punch, reversal, into the corner - big boot, but Venis recovers and hits a powerslam for 2. Venis to the outside - going for a chair (oh yeah, it's no DQ!) but MANKIND is out and grabbing the chair. Gutshot on Venis - but he ducks and Rock tastes the chair. Venis covers - 1, 2, NO! Mankind puts the Mandible claw on Venis - but Venis hits a low blow and pushes him into Rock, who promptly gives Mankind Rock Bottom. And there's a uranage for Venis as well. 1, 2, 3. (10:14) Mankind rips off his "Rock & Sock Connection" jacket and has a few words with the Rock. Rock has a few words for Mankind...are they breaking up? You won't find out tonight - this show is OVAH!
KCOP promises the story of Tori during their 10 o'clock news - I'm not sure I can be bothered, though.
Okay, I actually saw it - it was lame. Don't YOU be bothered. Also, they showed a blurb about the Rena Mero Playboy (post-suit). NOW they're asking me to stay tuned because in the next segment, they'll preview the 2000 Action Figures. NO! I WON'T fall for it again!
Well, I seem to still be watching the News. There's a story on Monsoon, one on Droz, and now an in-depth look at the WWF 2000 toy line. Okay, NOW the TV is off. I'll get back to work Monday, but I'm ignoring you until then, I reckon.