/14 October 1999
I saw THUNDER! before this show came on. That show was....REALLY...odd...
Hey there! You're watching UPN!
One World Leader Attitude - TV-14-DLV - WWF!
Backstage in the office, Vince and Stephanie are going over Stephanie's latest notes of what she's done today - well, maybe not - a knock at the door brings Mankind into the office. He casually mentions that he has a book coming out on the 20th, then tells Vince that "it's time." What, Vader Time? No, time to "repay the favour I did for you last week." Vince is confused. Foley reminds Vince of the time he asked him to leave him the hell alone and he did - now he's calling it in. He'd like the Rock & Sock Connection to be together one more night, for one more match. Vince says it's cool with him, but he doesn't think the Rock's so into it. Mick is rather oblivious. Then he pilfers some snacks and runs away.
Opening credits are close captioned!
FIREWORKS are en espanol donde sea disponible! We are on tape from the Unnamed Arena in Birmingham, AL 14.10.99 (but taped 12.10) and ONLY ON UPN!
Dare we start with a match? The NEW AGE OUTLAWS are out to start tonight's campfire. Isn't it strange that UPN doesn't bother to mute out words like "shiznit" and "beyotch" when USA, which I believe is a *cable* network, has real problems with it? Is it just that the USA censor is making the call on a LIVE show? And why do things like this cause me to wonder so? Is it my sprakling, stellar history in public access cable programming? My intense desire to participate in media - ANY media? Something deep down I don't dare to discover about myself? Am I just killing time with idle questions while waiting for something to happen during this interview? Perhaps. Anyway, before we talk about ME some more, let's interrupt the Outlaws' open challenge with TREBLE H come out to no music and lighting treatment, mostly so we can take a gander at the rather grotesque deformity of the skin around his right eye and cheek. "Promise you guys - I'll never interrupt you again - this is probably the last time I'll ever see you guys again..." the Outlaws walk back up the ramp. "You know..." pause for the "asshole" chant "Don't worry about it this is probably the last time you'll ever see this ass(beep) again...you know I never intended for anything other than to come out here and just, be a wrestler, man, you know, just to live my dream - you know, from the time I can remember, from the time I was a little kid, all I ever wanted to do was be in this ring - and to be one of the best in the world. That's all I ever wanted. I never intended - to have to live my life as some - cheap thrillseeker that came out here and tried to perform for a bunch of sick people...but I just wanted to come out - and see a bunch of guys kill themselves for their entertainment. 'Cause that's what this business has come down to, and it's wrong." Crowd chants "Austin" 'cause they don't know any better. "We come out here and we put our lives on the line for you people each and every night and you could care less. All you care about is if somebody gets hurt. Well, I'm hurt and I'm sick of it, and I'm done. This is the last time you'll ever see me 'cause I'm finished...yeah, thanks I appreciate your support for me giving you my life. But before I go, I want Vince McMahon to come out here, because maybe - maybe, Vince - you can look in my eyes, and maybe this can not happen to somebody else, maybe we can stop this here. So Vince, come out here." H is foaming at the mouth a bit here. Here's VINCENT K. and "No Chance in Hell." Vince looks rather confused. "How could you let this happen? How could you let this happen? You have let this business...come down to the point where people are going to bringing rattlesnakes - poisonous snakes into a building...we are putting our lives on the line. Look at me, Vince, look at my face - look at me! Come on, look at my face. This could be anybody. I have given you my body, and I have given you now my face - I have given you my life for this business. And you could care less. Monday night, a rattlesnake - a 5' long poisonous, deadly snake was brought into the building, and I was put in a position where I had to be face-to-face with that snake - and it bit me in the face - I want you to see that. If the truck has it, show that clip from Monday." Let Us Take You Back to RAW is WAR, where Austin and Helmsley brawled back into the room containing the snake - oops, behind glass - and we STILL see the reflection - couldn't they have edited that better? Oh well, back to today. "Is that wrestling, Vince? Is that professional wrestling, is that what I signed up for in this company?" Vince, of course, is quite uneasy and gulping dramatically as he is wont to do. "You said to me when I came here, you said to me, 'I will give you the opportunity.' You have taken every opportunity of my life now away from me. By putting me in that position. So I'm telling you now...this is the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life, but I'm telling you now it's over, I'm done, I quit. I can't do this anymore. Vince, you screwed yourself. There is gonna be no main event Sunday, so all the coins can fall outta your pocket. Because even if I wanted to, Vince, I couldn't come to that building - but I don't want to anymore. This is not fun anymore - it's not what I signed up for - so Sunday, it's off. I am done. Whatever you wanna do, that's fine - I don't care - and when Steve Austin gets here, I want Steve Austin to look me in my eyes. I want Steve Austin to see what he's done to me, because this is just as much his fault as it is yours. I want him to look at my eyes - I want him to look at my face, Vince. The face that you can't even look at right now. I see you turning away - everybody's turning away, Vince! I look like a freak! When Austin gets here, I want him to look in my eyes, look at my face, I want him to see what he's done, and I will personally put this belt in his hand, because obviously it means more than life to Steve Austin, so he can have it." H leaves the ring, leaving a shocked McMahon alone in the ring.
Backstage, there's Kane - WALKING! X-Pac arrives from the opposite direction and apologises for being late. "I'm gonna get my stuff on, and I'll be right back..." "Sean - stay out of this..." and he walks off. "Stay outta what? Hey, what are you talking about?"
Time now for the JVCkaboom!Box Kaboom! of the week! From RAW, Kane chokeslams Bradshaw, causing X-Pac to get very angry and walk away.
One of the crack camera staff has drawn the short straw and pensively focuses on a door - maybe Austin will WALK through it later!
ACOLYTES (no entrance) v. THROUGH HELL FIRE AND BRIMSTONE IT'S KANE in a Handicap match - hey, only twenty minutes to get a match, hah? All three men stay in the ring here, but the doubleteam falls by the wayside as Bradshaw climbs to the top - Faarooq eats a back elbow, and Bradshaw leaps into a powerslam. Outside we go, back in we go, Kane on the top rope - flying clothesline onto Bradshaw. Faarooq in, Faarooq down. Bradshaw dragged to the corner, leg wrapped around the STEEL ringpost. Finally the tide turns back as Faarooq clips him on the outside. The STEEL steps are dismantled and rammed into Kane - Bradshaw whips Kane into Faarooq, who still brandishes the steps. Faarooq takes him into a clothesline from Bradshaw. ONE fan tries a Seminole chant for Faarooq - he's ignored. Bradshaw drops an elbow and then Kane's rolled back in. Back to the generic doubleteam - double whip - Kane hits a double clothesline - zombie situp! Boot to Faarooq - lariat ducked, clothesline for Bradshaw. Uppercut on Faarooq, whip is reversed, but there's a big boot. Head meets the buckle, right hand, whip into the opposite corner, follow charge, whip back into the other corner - Faarooq puts up a boot, then Kane bumbles into a clothesline from Bradshaw off the ropes. Zombie situp! Acolytes combine for a neckbreaker/backdrop combo. Somehow, Kane kicks out. WWF Double Feature is the "clothesline from Hell" - yawn. Double powerbomb! 1, 2, NO! Do they have any finishers LEFT? One more double powerbomb - BOTH men cover. 1, 2, 3. Hey! Logic rules this night! (4:29) X-PAC is out, wielding a chair - whack on Bradshaw! They quickly leave the ring. Hey, you think Kane is grateful? Well, we don't know, 'cause we immediately cut to
Mankind is eating his pilfered candy and looking for the Rock. Instead, he happens up Dude Stevie Richards Love. The Dude says he saw what happened with Val Venis on RAW, and he'd like a shot at him to help out his "best friend." Mick says he can be his friend, but not his best friend - he's looking for HIM right now. Mankind walks off calling to the Rock...
Still trained on that door, our intrepid cameraman is...those folks in the office next door, looking through their window, look amused.
MICHAEL HAYES, from Earlier Today, talks to TEST about Stephanie's situation and the Bulldog. Test says he "can't bring up that freakin' name without getting (beep) off. But Steph doesn't want to be the cause of any violence, so what can I do? Man I just gotta put her first before everything no matter what. I just hope she can recover - we can get married and go on with our lives, but Michael, I'll tell you this. Stephanie might have forgiven the Bulldog - hmmph - but I never will."
You are there as the unblinking eye of the WWF camera runs up on Chris Jericho and Curtis Hughes trading punches. Man I'm getting dizzy as the usual suspects insert themselves between the two.
Meanwhile, at the Hall of Justice, Mankind finds Rock, who is trying to talk on the phone. "Word came down from the top..." he relates that Vince ORDERED he and Rock to team up tonight. Rock is annoyed. Mankind thinks it'll be fun. Rock says this will be the absolute last time the Rock & Sock Connection wrestles as a team. After telling Mankind it doesn't matter who they're facing, and walking off, Mankind reveals that tonight they have a shot at the Outlaws and the tag team titles. Ahhhh...that open challenge....
Want a Free Mr. Socko? Send your cable or satellite bill to the WWF! Or get out a pen and a sock and have it TODAY!!
That shore be a lot of ads, by golly
Here's an exterior of a big marquee telling the world that tonight's SmackDown! is Sold Out. Of course, they STILL can't be bothered to tell me what the hell building they're in. (No, I don't care. Don't write and tell me. Please. RESTRAIN YOURSELVES)
WWF SmackDown! is brought to you by Road Rash for the N64, 1-800-COLLECT, and Lego MindStorms!
CHRIS THURSDAY JERICHO v. CURTIS HUGHES - Has Lilian Garcia bothered to introduce a SINGLE participant tonight so far? Why bother to walk into the ring if you're NEVER gonna speak? Wait...what am I asking for here? Jericho runs up the ramp to meet his former bodyguard and pretty much demolishes him. Into the ring for the opening bell - missile dropkick from the top rope! As Jericho rips up Hughes' nice 'n' pretty spangly vest, we see HOWARD FINKEL, resplendent in "Y2J" T-shirt, walking down to ringside. As Hughes turns the tide and punches in the corner, Finkel places a chair in one corner, then runs to another, gets up on the apron, and distracts referee "Blind" Tim White. Jericho hits a Golota on Hughes, grabs the chair and kabongs him. Cover - Finkel's off the apron, Jericho's covering, chair in plain sight, White counts anyway - 1, 2, 3. (1:00) Jericho gets the mic while Hughes displays his patented upside-down smile. "hey hey hey, take it easy, baby Hughesy. There's no need to be embarrassed after you were destroyed fairly and squarely by the toughest and meanest man in the World Wrestling Federation. I mean, you've always known that I am one baaad mammajamma! I mean that's why you decided to ride on my coattails - but even though you will never, eeeeeeeever work with Y2J agayne, out of the goodness of my heart, I'm gonna give you a farewell gift. Considering that you are a bona-fide LOSER in the game of life, I'm gonna give you a bona-fide LOSER of a consolation prize that's worth almost as much as aa set of encyclopaedias - I'm gonna give you - Mister Harold Finkel! That's right...just think of the connotation - Finkel and Hughes, Hughes and Finkel - I mean, if there was ever two idiots who were perfect for each other, it's you two idiots. And I'm sure you'll form a connection of ebony and ivory that will dominate for years to come, and besides all that, I've seen the way that you two look at each other in the dressing room, and I know that you want to be together forever, and now it's all come true, courtesy of Y2J." Finkel tries to explain how he'd really rather be anywhere but here, while Hughes - damn, even when he's smiling his smile is upside-down.
Earlier Today JIM ROSS took some time out to talk to WELL IT'S A BIG SHOW, who is choking back tears as he tells us about how he learned Monday that his father is dying of terminal cancer - he doesn't have much time. His whole life, his father has always told him "whatever you start, you finish" - and he's never really taken that advice to heart - he never put his heart into athletics in school, settling for just getting by - he left college a few credits short of having a degree - and the thing that really hit him was that he really has so little time left to show to his father that he really can put his heart into something, to make him proud. Well, part of me hopes that this will later be revealed to be a lie cooked up by the Undertaker. The other part is wishing some of you would stop mailing me Andre the Giant jokes, 'cause see, this is the WWF, which is different from WCW, got it? Okay.
Backstage, our intrepid cameraman is still awake - and still trained on that unmoving door...
Ahhhhhh!!! The Golden State Warriors are trying to SALSA!!!!!
TERRY TAYLOR is following BIG BOSSMAN - tonight he's in a Hardcore match with Al Snow and Big Show - Bossman wants to know who's setting him up by booking him in a match like this tonight.
"Mark Henry's 3rd Sex Therapy Session" is with a guy...who keeps crossing and uncrossing his legs, and running his fingers through his hair, and licking his lips, and lisping, and patting him on the shoulder. "Chocolate - but Sexual - come back Sexual, please!"
AL SNOW v. BIG BOSSMAN v. WELL IT'S A BIG SHOW in a Triple Threat Match for the Hardcore Championship - Bossman meets Snow as he comes down the ramp - and quickly gets tossed into the STEEL steps. Snow pulls out the plunder, but Bossman is back. COOKIE SHEETS ARE HARD! "One courageous individual," the Big Show comes out and goes right for Bossman. Well it's a big catch of the punch attempt - well it's a big headbutt. Well it's a big whip into the corner, and to the opposite corner. Well it's a big shove into the ropes, and well it's a big superkick. Al Snow is finally back in the ring and there's the fire extinguisher to turn the tide. Snow doing a lot of stomping and punching. There's a hot shot for Bossman - Snow back outside and looking for something to use. Bossman taking it to Show inside - whip it reversed, duck, well it's a big flying elbow. Well it's a big kneedrop. Snow still playing with his toys on the outside - now holding the ankle - Show acts like Snow is a mosquito - steps over the top rope, stomps on the back, steps on the fingers, and there's ahhhhhhtheCHOKESLAAAAAM onto a table. Bossman's gone to the stick and there's a leap off the apron onto the Big Show with the nightstick. Bossman covers - 1, 2, 3! Ladies and gentlemen, we have a new Hardcore champion. (3:56) A quick check of the Show's forehead shows some blood. Hardly seems worth it, since we immediately cut to
Steve Austin's arrived - he's WALKING into the building! FINALLY some rest for our weary cinematographer!
"WWF SMACKDOWN is sports entertainment featuring trained professionals. Any attempt to perform the moves or stunts you see tonight could result in serious physical injury."
During the Break, Chyna beat down the door and ran from the TV-14-DLV logo, frantically pleading with Dave Hebner and Jim Korderas for an ambulance. Apparently Triple H can't breathe, and - whooooooa!! I can really see her ass!
BALD VENIS v. DUDE LOVE - Venis takes the mic and says his dick is really big. Also, Rocko belongs to him, 'cause he rescued him from the garbage can, don'cha know. Venis takes on Mankind at No Mercy and tries really hard to act the heel. Tickets go on sale Saturday for San Jose, San Francisco, Sacramento, and Bakersfield. Those first three are in my area, but I know San Jose conflicts with a reunion - I'll have to check on SF and Sacto, though. Aren't we due for some TV or PPV? Hey, does the WWF give WrestleLine the hookup like the WCW does? Or should I say "did" - I still haven't heard about Oakland next Friday...to the match! The Dude jumps off the top rope into the centre of the ring, only to catch a running lariat in the mush. Right, right, right, right, right, right, right, whip into the opposite corner is reversed, monkey flip attempt is countered with Snake Eyes by Venis. Stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp. Right hand, off the ropes, duck, Steviekick!! 1, 2, no. One on hand, good, he didn't win with one offensive manoeuvre. On the other hand, damn, that Steviekick NEVER works anymore. Venis crawls to the corner, Richards picks him up and there's a knife-edge chop. Whip into the opposite corner, Val puts the boot up. Then runs into a sleeper. Val picks up the Dude and drops him in one of those videogame moves. To the top rope - Money Shot! Seeya! (1:20) Venis reaches into his tights - and pulls out Mr. Rocko. And, wearing him, there's.....yeah, the testicular claw. Venis sure seems to like holding the boys, don't he?
Backstage, we see the EMT's (including the blonde) loading a frothing Triple H into the ambulance. Looks like he stuck an Alka Seltzer up in his cheek - oh, sorry...the ambulance sirens blare and it drives away...
BRITISH BULLDOG is out. "You know what, I can't - won't - and don't care about ANYBODY! All I care about is the WWF title. That's it. And if Triple H is too sick to defend the title, then I will take it from WHOEVER. And Rock, if you think you can slam me in a pile of dog crap and get away with it, well, come this Sunday at No Mercy, I am going to knock the Brahma bullcrap out of you and get one step closer to my title." Where was he looking this whole time? Hey Davey, camera's over here!! No, HERE!! Come on!
Here's a look at a photo shoot featuring a fairly naked Terri surrounded by C-notes. "You remember the saying that a picture is worth a thousand words? Well, in this case I think it's more like a HUNDRED thousand words. So guys, fight your hearts out, because to the victors go these spoils..." then she leans back...the only thing is, these hundred dollar bills don't allow her nipples to poke through, and it's all about the nipples - I mean Benjamins - I mean, NIPPLES!
Backstage, we see Edge & Christian watching a monitor and - hey! Keep those hands where I can see 'em! Anyway, the Brood and Gangrel Pearl Harbour them from behind until the usual suspects break 'em up.
The WWF Boot of the Week comes to you courtesy Lugz! From RAW, Jeff Jarrett toasts Chyna - I mean, hits her with a toaster. Then he shoves a laundry cart containing her off a loading dock. Yow! Dig that crazy fake blood! I'm still trying to figure out how that three foot fall was supposed to cause her to BLEED like that...
JEDOUBLEF JADOUBLEREDOUBLET & MIDOUBLES KIDOUBLETY do the entrance thing (anybody seen Debra lately?) and we take a look at the ring, which is filled with the implements that, we assume, will be integral plot devices in the Good Housekeeping match to take place Sunday. Ironing board, table, fans, garbage can, broom, cookie sheet, and of course the gee-tar, check that iced tea pot! "Cut that music. Chyna, after Monday night, it has become oh so painfully obvious that you STILL haven't learned what the role of a woman should be - but make no mistake about it, come Sunday at No Mercy, a real man - ME - Jeff Jarrett - is gonna show ya. But tonight, I thought I'd demonstrate what Good Housekeeping is all about because you don't have a clue about it, so Chyna, watch and learn, because I'm gonna show you every household appliance that I'm gonna beat the hell outta you with come Sunday. Kitty, what do we have here? Ahh, first the old ironing board and iron (Kitty plays Carol Merrill here) - 'cause Lord knows after Monday night you got a few wrinkles in that decrepit face and body o' yours. What do we have here - a skillet, frying pan...you know what they're about, but we have the old, trusty oven - and when I burn your ass you'll know exactly what that's all about. Oh, Kitty - we got the old coffee pot - display that (umm, that's an iced tea pot - oh well). Now Chyna, Sunday we're gonna have a coffee break all right, but it's not gonna be your typical 15 minute one, if you know what I'm talkin' about. We got the brooms of course, we'll use those later Kitty to sweep her ass outta the ring when we get done. And last but not least, right out of my own entertainment room...my own personal guitar, and everybody knows the tune Jeff Jarrett plays. So Chyna, as you can see, I'm bringing everything but the kitchen sink, and come Sunday, that's exactly what I'm gonna bring, so once again I can prove to the whole world that I AM the greatest Intercontinental champion of all time, and more importantly than that, that's right, more importantly than that, that men are dominant and women are the week species." The music plays and - whoops, there's DE-BRA at the top of the ramp! "Oh, Jeffrey - I have only one thing to say to you - that there's gonna be a new Intercontinental champion at No Mercy - and guess what? It's gonna be a woman." Hey, who let her SPEAK? And why is Cole saying "PUPPIES" louder than Lawler?
KEVIN "NAILZ" KELLY is backstage with STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN. Does even a part of him feel badly about what's happened to Triple H? Austin says if it was anybody BUT Triple H, he probably would, but after the hell he's put him through, no way. Austin says a lot more stuff, but the upshot is that he'll either enter No Mercy as the champ, or he'll damn sure leave No Mercy as the champ. I think, and mind you, it was under his breath, but I THINK Austin said that the glass was supposed to protect Triple H from the snake and he only wanted to scare him. Or maybe I imagined that, I don't know.
WWF No Mercy comes to you thanks to "Legacy of Kain: Soul Reaver" by Eidos Interactive!
BROOD (with Gangrel and a burning ring o' far) (1) v. EDGE & CHRISTIAN (2) in Match 5 of the Terri Runnels Invitational Tag Team Tournament - Hmm, they don't do that "Guns to the head" thing when Gangrel's with them...hey why IS Gangrel with them now, anyway? Jeff and Edge start - full nelson, Jeff drops down to break it, then rolls up Edge for 2. Jeff with the gutshot, again, whip into the opposite corner, monkey flip out - back body drop - Jeff lands on his feet. Edge hits one o' them flapjack-alikes. Into the corner. Ten Punch Count Along stopped at four when Matt throats Edge on the top rope. Tag to Matt, double whip, double gutshot, double arm wringer, they upend him with a flip, double elbowdrop, Matt covers and gets 2. Somehow Edge comes back from all this and tags Christian. Arm wringer, counter, to a hammerlock, reversal, to a headlock, powered out, slides through, gutshot, vertical suplex, holding on, another suplex, holding on, now face first, 2 count. Jeff in - caught for a gutbuster from the Flatliner position. Christian rushes Matt, who dumps him onto the apron - there's a sunset flip over the top rope TO THE FLOOR! No, Christian reverses into a Frankensteiner! Jeff trying his patented "run the barricade" plancha but Christian sidesteps it (!) - but he forgot about Gangrel who promptly shoves him into the STEEL steps. Referee "Blind" Teddy Long, meanwhile, is discussing with Edge whether Sexton Hardcastle was related to Paul Hardcastle. Matt in the ring, Jeff throwing Christian in to him - cover - 2. Tag to Jeff - Matt holds him - double backdrop - sorry, double front slam - Christian lands face first but STILL manages to kick out at 2. Snapmares him over as we check the Double Feature of the facebuster. Jeff dropkicks the back of the head. 1, 2, no. Jeff choking away - tag to Matt, kick to the back. Scoop - and a slam. Off the ropes, elbowdrop gets 2. Matt tries a rear chinlock. Edge leading cheers on the outside - Christian powering out, but Jeff nabs the ankle as he tries to run the ropes. Matt takes Christian out to Jeff, then ties up Edge AND Long. Jeff on the top turnbuckle, diving OVER the post - AND HITTING THE BARRICADE! Christian up on the apron - Matt pounding - suplexing him in - no Christian landing on his feet - there's an inverted Slop Drop. (I'm making up names now - can you tell?) tag to Jeff - HOT TAG TO EDGE! EDGE IS COOKIN' WITH GAS! Backdrop, atomic drop, flying jalapeno, German suplex with a bridge on Jeff - but only 2. Got Matt on his shoulders - pancakes him down! Spear on Jeff! This is over! Oops, he went for Matt, who sidestepped, and Edge hit the post. Matt covers and Long counts - umm, he's not legal - 1, 2, no!!! Christian saves. All four men in now - Doubleteam on Christian - Jeff to the top, Matt has him on his shoulders. But Christian ducks and turns it into a victory roll on Matt - while Jeff collides with Edge! 1, 2, 3!!! (5:37) But who won? Each man was covering the other... Well, duh - Jeff and Edge were legal so Jeff scores the pinfall. Actually, I'm as shocked as you are that Long managed to remember who was legal and make the right call. So it's 2-2 (THERE'S a shock, eh?) - Gangrel's music plays and off they go. Here's a replay of what you just saw.
Outlaws discuss strategy. Gunn is doing some headstand pushups, so at least they're doing SOMETHING different.
No Mercy is SUNDAY SUNDAY SUNDAY!! But why show those clips of Triple H when he won't even be in the main event? Har har har...
GTV brings us Stephanie calling in British Bulldog. "This isn't a trick - thank you for coming - please have a seat. Davey - I don't--" "Wait a minute - it's not Davey - it's David." "Okay, David. I don't remember what happened - but I have seen the videotape and I don't think you're to blame. But my father's not to blame either, and my dad and my brother and Andrew are incredibly upset and I don't know what they're going to do. But before anybody else can get hurt, I wanted to see if maybe I could talk to you just one-on-one, and see if I could maybe persuade you to publicly apologise--" "Apologise? Stephanie, I am sick of apologising, and THIS has been a WASTE of my time..."
GODFATHER (with ten - no, FIVE ho's) v. MIDEON (with "Midian" tights & Viscera) - tell me again why Mideon, Viscera, and the Acolytes all have the same music? Godfather offers Mideon his choice of any of his finest ho's or they can fight. Viscera whispers in his ear "hey, get me one too" while the crowd chants "Take the ho's." Mideon gets THE STICK! "Shut up! First of all, dumbass, I don't do ho's. But...got any farm animals? Nononono, hey, don't look at me like I'm a freak - they're not alive--" "Man, what are you some type of a sicko?" and he starts beatin' on him. Hmm, I guess Daven Howard was right - time for me to start calling him MIDE-I-E-I-ON. Geez, I hope the ho's can get to the floor before this match is over! Head to the buckle, head to the opposite buckle, kick, kick, kick, off the ropes, biiig back body drop, clothesline takes him (sorta) to the floor. Mideon comes back by pulling Godfather out to his level, then clubbing way. Right into the STEEL ringpost. Viscera gets a chance as well, taking his back to the post. Rolled back in to Mideon - pumphandle, upends him, kneedrop for 2. In the corner, whip out to the opposite, charge meets a boot. Godfather clotheslines coming out - big legdrop. It's time once again for the Ho Train - but Viscera is coming up from behind, so Godfather flattens HIM instead. Mideon ducks the charge, but Godfather slips under, picks him up and hits the Pimp Drop for the 1, 2, 3. (1:50) Viscera's calves are rooted to the mat by the ho's - he shakes free post-match and there's a belly-to-belly (yow!) for Godfather. BIG LEGDROP! Mideon bitchslaps him, then Viscera hits the BIG SPLASH! While their music plays, Mideon drools a bit for us, Viscera makes big scary moves and the ho's fail to scatter because they're not too bright and don't know the story, I guess.
Let Us Take You Back to Earlier Tonight Where Triple H Was Loaded Into An Ambulance. Apparently, however, Triple H is coming back to the arena even as we speak!
Hey, look, it's the Rock - and he's WALKING!
1-800-COLLECT brings you the Smack of the Night! It's Triple H's...well...VERBAL smack...I guess...on Vince McMahon.
NEW AGE OUTLAWS v. LA ROCA y MANKIND for the tag team championship - so, like, will they still be saying "the ABSOLUTE LAST time EVER" if they manage to take the titles tonight? If you need to ask, you just have no clue how things work when I tell you that OF COURSE the faces get separate entrances. The Rock, being the last person to come out, coincidentally is the FIRST person to get an intro from Lilian Garcia (who must give the BEST blowjobs in the industry to continue to get, and, hell, even *increase* ring announcing duties doing BOTH RAW and SmackDown! this week). Rock and Ass start. Mankind still wearing his "Rock & Sock Connection" jacket. Lockup, Rock to the side headlock. Ass to the ropes, powering out, Rock knocks him down, back and forth, leapfrog, drop toehold by Ass (or, if you're Cole, "legsweep") off the ropes agian, reversed, leapfrog by Ass, clothesline by Rock, punch, punch, punch. Ass hung up in the corner, another shot from the Rock, into the opposite corner, but Ass ducks a premature Rock Bottom attempt an manages a hangman's neckbreaker to stem the tide. Two count. Ass goes for an early Fame'Asser, but Rock turns it into a sorta-sidewalk slam. Rock goes for the uranage again, but Dogg comes in and waffles him from behind. Rock turns to Dogg and works on laying HIM out - Gunn up for the doubleteam, Mankind in and now it's broken down into a Pier Four Brawl. Rock and Ass and Dogg and Mankind. Referee "Blind" Mike Chioda comes out to help senior official "Blind" Earl Hebner bring this back to two men in the ring - it's Dogg and Mankind - Mankind having trouble removing his jacket and Dogg beating on him. Jacket's off - Mankind back with a right. Right. Right. Taking him to the corner - more rights - he's punching more than Rock does! Dogg sitting in the corner - there's the running knee. Mankind doing an ersatz Road Dogg now - going southpaw and gettin' jiggy with it. FUNKY CHICKEN!! And Dogg levels him in the nards. Now Dogg shows the proper way to get funky like a donkey. Left, left, but before he can hit the right, Mankind slumps to the canvas. So Dogg brings him back up, thrusts the pelvis, and hits the right. Wiggly wobbly woocly kneedrop. Pumphandle - Dogg does him in da butt?!? and Rock comes in with a clothesline to prevent the finisher. Lawler has a bit of problem discerning between the words "underwear" and "shirt." Rock stays in as if they'd tagged, there's the punches in bunches. Off thr eops, duck, right from Dogg, again, off the ropes is reversed into a back elbow in the mush. Rock takes Dogg to Mankind's shoe and tags. Right, whip into the opposite corner, back elbow from Dogg, double clothesline takes both men to the mat. Hebner puts on the count - at 3 they're both slowly up. Tag to Gunn, who takes it to Mankind - off the ropes, there's an elbow, there's a shot for the Rock as well. PILEDRIVER on Mankind - 1, 2, Rock saves. Dogg in and there's a doubleteam - head to the buckle - now both men stomping away. Dogg kicking the back of the knee. Nice dropkick from the Road Dogg. Dogg mocks the "Rocky" chant with pelvic thrusts - so are they the heels tonight? Taken to his corner, Ass tagged in. Right, right, right, right, right, whip into the opposite corner, splash misses - there's a bulldog that drives Gunn's head into the mat! Mankind looking to crawl to the ring for the tag, but Ass holds on - but Mankind manages a dive to make the HOT TAG! Rock is DEVASTATING with the rights! There's Rock Bottom on Ass! Dogg immediately breaks the count, then take him outside the ring. Mankind in to hit a double underhook DDT on Ass - BUT ONLY 2! Mr. Socko is out - Mr. Socko is in - the mouth of the Road Dogg. Ass heaves a mighty shove, and it's enough to take out Mankind, Dogg AND Hebner. THERE'S the Fame'Asser! Rock is keeping Dogg outside the ring. No ref to make the count on Mankind! CRASH HOLLY is out with a baseball bat (or "club") but Gunn avoids the brunt of the blow, while Mankind does not - much to Holly's consternation. A right hand takes care of Crash - but HARDCORE HOLLY is out and there's a belt shot to Mr. Ass - Mankind is covering - Hebner is awake enough to count - 1, 2, 3!!! Ladies and gentlemen, we have new tag team champions. (8:30) Mankind jumps up and down with joy at tying up Gunn once again for the most tag team title reigns (7) while Rock FINALLY seems to get what has happened by them winning this match. I have to wonder what the Hollys were thinking, though - they just managed to screw themselves out of their title shot. Mankind tries an embrace, but Rock throws him off. The discussion continues...but we cut to
Triple H is back from the hospital and Chyna's helping him walk. They enter the dressing room where Austin is. "Take a good look at it - take a good look - this is what you did to me - all right? This belt - it doesn't mean my life - it's not worth my life...to me." Austin says "I don't want it this way." H says "You're gonna get it this way. Here's your Championship, take it." Chyna says "I hope this makes you happy, Steve," and while Austin turns to face her, H WAFFLES him with the title and stomps away. Here's a doubleteam. Why, I'm getting the impression that old H was just fine ALL ALONG! Hey, maybe that WAS glass between him and the snake! H rips off the makeup - oh, hey, it was just MAKEUP!! Austin's head meets a STEEL door. "You stupid son of a bitch! This title means more to me than it will ever, EVER mean to you!" Credits are up as H removes the stuffing ("swelling") from his mouth and spits it onto Austin...
See you Sunday!