Kim is THE MAN! Oh, wait....Kim's a GIRL! Well....hmm, what's the equivalent of THE MAN for a woman? THAT'S KIM!!

In the past couple of weeks, I've been pretty fortunate to receive all three wrestling-related CD's - so in the interests of "giving back," here are your capsule reviews...according to me.

You pretty much know what you're getting out of "WWF: The Music (Volume 4)" which is either good or bad depending on your POV, ya know? If you like 'em on TV, you'll like 'em on disc. If you hate 'em, ditto that. It's a tossup.

"WCW Mayhem," on the other hand, actively blows chunks - the wrestler themes are incomplete, feature crappy voiceovers and canned applause, the new tracks feature excised naughty words AND the disc as a whole sounds like it was mastered in a college dorm bathroom. Blecch.

Now, the "Wrestling With Shadows" disc - THAT is a CHOICE set of tunes. I don't usually go for the hard stuff but some of these tracks not only kick ass, but sound like they actually lift the lyrics and pepper them up with talk about Montreal, Hart, Vince, that whole thing (I'm thinking specifically of the Gob track here, for example). AND - and this is the surprising part - THEY DON'T SUCK! Not to mention you get a COMPLETE take of Bret's current theme music - which I REALLY like. Chugga chugga chugga chugga chugga chugga chugga chugga...

SO: go buy that soundtrack - buy the WWF one if you REALLY want those wrestler themes (okay, I'm a sucker for D'lo's theme, so I'd probably have bought it) - and probably don't buy Mayhem - but if it were on sale, I'd probably buy it just to have both "Crush 'em" (catchy, but a bad choice for Goldberg's theme) and the live Metallica track on one disc.

Of course, I say that because I already have my copy of Hernia Guy singing "American Made" on that old Hulk Hogan's Wrestling Boot Band tape...

Anyway, to the show!

But first...

KINGS UPDATE: Can you *believe* this? 5-1! 1 1/2 games behind Portland and in SECOND PLACE! I may actually have to pay attention! And dare I say...actually PAY MONEY to go SEE them?

You're watching - *UPN*!

One World Leader Attitude - WWF!

TV-14-DLV - Triple H and cohorts are seen putting the boots and fists to Patterson and Brisco. "You tell McMahon he's making this too personal, you got it?" Eww, lookit all the BLOOD!

Opening credits and closed captioned symbol - wooga wahhwah wooga wahhwah

FIREWORKS! KBHK CRAWL! WE ARE NOT LIVE from the Unnamed Arena in Cincinnati, OH 18.11.99 (taped 16.11) and it's SMACKDOWN!

Backstage, the McMahon limo arrives - Vince, Shane, Stephanie, and Test get out. Sergeant Slaughter meets them with the terrible news - that Patterson and Brisco were just beat up!

Everybody RUNS from here...to there. Oh, the humanity! Who did this? All they can say is "DX." Brisco relays the message from Triple H - with a lot of "Mr. Mac Man" thrown in. McMahon takes umbrage at the suggestion that he's making it too personal - and demands to Slaughter that he deliver Triple H to him - RIGHT NOW.

CHRISTIAN & EDGE v. TOO COOL - Taylor says "weez" a lot - I immediately think of Sherman Helsmley. Christopher says a lot of other stuff that a white man has no business saying. Suddenly - it's a MATCH! Taylor and Christian start - back and forth we go, counter, counter, waistlock, elbowed out by Taylor - off the ropes, slide under, waistlock, Christian with the elbows - off the ropes with a kick - shooting out Taylor, up and over the back, dancing away - dropkick from Christian. There's a takedown, into an arm wringer. Tag to Edge - double hiplock takeover and Scotty Too Hotty ain't lookin' to hot. Into the corner from Edge, Taylor up and over and getting the tide turned with punches. Tag to Grand Master Sexay - following another dance, an open gutshot. Still on him with punches - Edge fighting back, but there's a blind tag. Sexay slides under - double backdrop - but Edge lands on his feet and surprises Too Cool with a double DDT. Into the corner, Sexay gains control, whip into the opposite corner, up and over the top - hairpull takedown - climbing to the top, nice missile dropkick - cover - out at 2. Christopher to the face, tossing Edge over the top rope - calling over his partner. They pick him up and make a wish with the ringpost landing on a sensitive body part. Christopher rolling him back in - now to the top rope. Double sledge meets the boots, though. Christian looking for the tag - got it. Taylor in, Taylor down. Christian's a HOUSE ON FIRE! Spinning heel kick misses Christopher, though - double whip, Christian counters a double flapjack with another double DDT - Taylor barely kicks out. Now all four men in - Christopher, Edge, and referee "Blind" Mike Chioda all on the outside. Meanwhile, Christian hits the Tomokaze - but there's no ref. Sexay with the Tennesse Jam to the back of Christian's head, then putting his partner on top. Chioda back in - 1, 2, 3. (4:15) Edge, being a poor loser, dumps both men over the top to the floor so HIS music can play. Well, that's a great example for the kids.

TONIGHT: The Rock takes on the Big Bossman in a return bout!

Sergeant Slaughter's returned - Hunter refuses to come to his office, and demands that Vince go to him. Vince says "You tell him - I'll be right there."

WOW! NEW LUGZ AD!!

WrestleMania 2000 brings you the WWF Slam of the Week - Triple H's pieface on Vince McMahon, followed by Helmsley's "Iblockyourpunchyoudon'tblockmine" on McMahon.

Vince, Shane, Test, and Slaughter barge into the DX dressing room. McMahon reminds Triple H that he's not the Champ anymore. Beating up Patterson and Brisco - this crap's gonna stop - not tonight - not any night. H once again says not to make this personal - Vince says it already is.

OLYMPIC GOLD MEDALIST & CELEBRATED REAL ATHLETE KURT ANGLE v. GANGREL (with Luna Tunes and a burning ring o' far) - Lawler notes the plant from RAW is also here tonight. Lockup, fireman's carry takeover from Angle, into an armbar. Gangrel to his feet, right hands, takeover from Angle. Crowd not exactly digging it. Angle out to grab THE STICK. "How could you people sit here and degreade me? You mean to tell me that you would prefer to cheer for a man who looks like a vampire...and I don't even KNOW what THAT [Luna] is! ... You'd rather cheer for him than me - Kurt Angle - the Olympic gold medalist! An American hero! I'm an American hero! I'm the WWF's most celebrated REAL athlete!" He gets back in the ring and Gangrel WAILS on him. Hot shot across the top rope. Scoop - and a slam. Off the ropes with an elbowdrop - cover - kickout. Off the ropes again, reversed, belly-to-belly suplex. Off the ropes, nice powerslam, crowd booing. Gangrel fires back with punches, whip inot the ropes, Angle ducks and hits that modified fireman's carry (or whatever we're gonna call it) for the pinfall. (2:34) Hear me: I like this kid.

Test is playing his N64 while Stephanie opens a wedding gift (and wants him to pay attention). It's - a BOWL!

Meanwhile, DX plots - and the plot thickens...

Next week on "the Strip" that Ivory & Godfather episode we've all been hearing about - I'm personally guessing I'll sleep while it's on - sorry UPN

When we come back, Stephanie is still opening gifts - and Test is still playing videogames. Stephanie finds a stuffed frog and a note - "your gift's waiting in the limo, so hop to it." Test actually TEARS HIMSELF away from that videogame, saying he'll go get it. We follow Test all the way outside - and good thing, too, as DX is waiting outside in ambush. I hope Stephanie isn't watching this on a monitor! Oh, wait, the N64 is pre-empting that. Okay. Test stuffed into the trunk of a car - Mr. Ass takes the wheel and drives off. Triple H mutters "Hope that wasn't too personal..." Did X-Pac say "what a rush?"

GODFATHER (with six - no, three ho's) v. BRITISH BULLDOG for the European Championship - strange to see Bulldog without the Posse...did I just SAY that? Shoot me! Godfather (who is a fun loving guy who loves to have fun) says he ain't offering the ho's this time since LAST time Bulldog jumped him behind his back. There'll be a spanking tonight - when he goes back to his hotel room, he'll be spanking his monkey! Godfather's fists of fire as we start. A missed legdrop turns the tide, however. Bulldog punching away - off the ropes with a lariat. The ho's are worried. Scoop - and a slam. Ahh, HERE'S the MEAN STREET POSSE as Bulldog headbutts Godfather in the corner. The Posse flash the cash - and the Ho's give a tableless table dance. Godfather coming back with a clothesline. In the corner - Godfather kicking away - but now he sees what's happening and leaves the ring. But first, Godfather is distracted by that sign guy - as Godfather grabs the sign, the Posse strikes. Of course, this whole time, referee "Blind" Tim White is admonishing British Bulldog in the ring, and keeping his back to the action outside the ring. Back in the ring - there's the pinfall (2:05). Replay gives us a second good look at that guy - I guess he isn't Scott Dickenson (that was MY uneducated guess - hey, have YOU seen him on Nitro lately?) - he kinda looks like Mike Koechner from SNL, if you remember THAT guy - but he isn't. Anyway, he's got that finger waggle down pat - and here's your 3-on-1 beatdown again. Oh yeah, after the match, the Posse lifts the bills they offered the ho's - now THAT'S fiscal responsibility!

Vince and Shane have some major words with DX as we cut back - then Stephanie tries to let loose with the fists. Shane holds her back as Vince says he's calling the cops.

Hey, that Beastie Boys ad is pretty cool, too. Have I ever bragged to you that I got a "Rock Hard" 12" single for $2 used? Don't you think I'm COOL now? Come ON! I'm talking about MYSELF here! I can talk about my choice of religion if you think it'll help...

And now, the WWF Boot of the Week! Thank you Lugz, for giving us the Big Show chokeslamming the entire Mean Street Posse - but not the Bulldog - well, at least in replay form.

Backstage, Tori enjoys a beverage - then Viscera hits on her. X-Pac's a little guy - but he's a BIG guy. Kane flies into the picture and whomps away - jealous bastard, ain't he?

WrestleMania 2000 (available tomorrow!), WWF: The Music (Volume 4), and Lego Mindstorms bring you tonight's episode of SMACKDOWN!

HARDCORE HOLLY (with Crash & Scale Holly) v. WELL IT'S A BIG SHOW for the WWF Championship - you know, feeding a steady diet of midcarders to the Champion isn't exactly the sort of strategy that's warmed us up to folks in the past - remember Goldberg v. Al Greene as a Nitro main event? I'm just saying is all. Those on-site reports say the Show has a Giant pop (ha) - but it doesn't come across on TV. Holly with the point onto the chest. That's about the extent of his offense - until Crash comes in to help. I'm actually more interested in the dude wearing the giant frog's head than this match - is that bad? Holly does get off the Best Dropkick in the Business - but it has little effect. Okay, big pop for ahhhhhhhtheCHOKESLAAAAAM. 1, 2, 3 (1:31) as Crash tries to break up the pin - referee "Blind" Chad Patten (see how big this title match is? They put the most junior ref on it) keeps counting. - Show deals with Crash, but now BIG BOSSMAN is in and he's got a Big Stick. Bossman strikes - then leaves. Show slowly shrugs it off and collects his belt.

Outside, Vince, Shane, and Stephanie collect Test from the trunk of a car. Sounds like he's broken his nose. It looks like the same nose he broke a week ago!

Here's the first look at the WrestleMania 2000 ad. I can't WAIT to see it another couple THOUSAND times!!

Hey, you're still watching UPN!

When we come back, Shane is acting angry. Test shrugs off a hospital stay. Vince says he's going to arrange for security to make sure this doesn't happen again...tonight or ever.

VISCERA v. THROUGH HELL FIRE AND BRIMSTONE IT'S KANE (with Tori) - Let Us Take You Back to Earlier Tonight When Kane Overreacted Severely. Tori stays back on the entrance ramp - doing her Kimberly impersonation there. Here's a public service for EVERY online columnist out there. In the WWF, it's T-O-R-I. In WCW, she's T-O-R-R-I-E. Got it? Sheesh. How hard can that be? Lawler asks us to notice that Tori is clad in red and black - just like a guy in this match. Yowza, Samoan Drop on the floor! This brings Tori down to her man - Viscera is on Tori - "You wanna be my ho?" Now brandishing his tongue - but before he can plant the Greco-Roman liplock on her, Kane is back up - and he's a man on a mission! Err, wait, that's that OTHER guy. In the ring - top rope flying clothesline. Big loogie from Viscera! Chokeslam from Kane! Thank you, drive through. (2:02) Tori bounces happily for our benefit. Looking at her cleavage, I'm happy that I'm directed away from her face.

Triple H, all smiles, knocks on the door marked "Mr. McMahon." Triple H says he's here to bury the hatchet - and to prove he's serious, he has a wedding present for the happy couple - it's a catcher's mask with a bow. Vince hurls it across the room and slams the door in H's face. H snickers and walks off.

WWF Slam Cam ad. "Awesome!"

The TV-14-DLV welcomes us back with Jim Ross on the phone with some Detroit police. Any further questions, they may wish to just talk to his attorney. As far as Lawler goes, he's a grade-A, restaurant quality ass. And that's with two esses!

Your hosts are a pair of kings - MICHAEL KING COLE & JERRY LAWLER. Lawler says Ross knows more than he's letting on...

Let Us Take You Back to Sunday where the Rock's stolen rental car ran down Steve Austin.

Vince says he never thought it'd come to this - but he positions the three police officers outside his door. No one is to come through the door unless their last name is McMahon.

IVORY (no entrance) v. JACQUELINE (no entrance) v. LUNA (no entrance) in a hardcore triple threat match for the Women's Championship - KBHK gives me the crawl one more time - I can't WAIT until the Cow Palace show so they stop doing this. Oh boy, a MOP! Don't fool yourself - ain't no wrestling here. Now we're backstage. Into the wall, into the ...women's dressing room! Referee "Blind" Jim Korderas is too embarrassed to enter - Luna throws him in. Something broken over Ivory's head. Hey, it's Miss Kitty and Lilian Garcia! Now we're out to the concession stand. Oooh, the dreaded CARDBOARD BOX! That's GOTTA hurt! Popcorn - equally painful. Lawler offers "that salt can burn your eyes" - nice try. The deadly BOX OF STRAWS! The SODA! And now they're in the restroom - oops, it's the men's room - complete with two guys pissin'. Ivory seems a little taken aback that she's broken the fourth wall. Taking out the cameraman, she finds the other two back at the concession stand. And now they're in the food prep area. There's a tray of pretzels. Coincidentally, THIS *MATCH* IS THE PRETZELS! Somewhere in here, Ivory pins Jacqueline. Can I be bothered to share the details? Listen, I love you UK guys, but I can't be bothered. (4:34)

Here's a shot of the cops ... standing in front of an exciting door!

Here are the ... "highlights" ... of Al Snow and Mankind's Vegas Invasion. I saw most of these last night as UPN bumpers 'cause I'm kind of a sucker for "7 Days" and end up with the dial on UPN all night Wednesday - from the Simpsons at 6 through to the end of "Voyager" at 10. Hell, I'm usually doing up the letters page anyway so it's not like I'm ACTIVELY WATCHING what's on. Hey, wait, why am I explaining myself to you? NEITHER of us cares! What is this, a show recap or a FREAKIN' CRZ SHOWCASE? WHO THE HELL DO I THINK I AM?

Whoops, sorry. Don't know where THAT came from.

And now here are some more "highlights" from the UPN Vegas Excursion. This cross-promotion is brought to you by "Dilbert" - it ain't the lowest rated show on network television for NOTHIN'!

Here's another look at your hosts. Well that was a bit of fun - but now we must turn gravely serious. Let Us Take You Back to Monday, where Chris Jericho took a walk on the dark side and invited us along for the ride.

SEXUAL CHOCKLIT MIZARK HENRY v. CHRIS THURSDAY JERICHO - Chyna had surgery to reconstruct her shattered thumb, we are told. Henry has the stick! "There's not many things that I hate - but one of those things is a woman-beater. Chyna and I have an illustrious past. Breakin' her thumb means I'm kickin' your ass!" I guess that's an edited version of Henry's poetry? Jericho sure sounds like he's still getting cheers. Chyna's not going to press charges - well, thank GOD. "Mike Henry, I can't believe you would be so stupid as to stand up for that loser Chyna's honour. All she had to do was admit to me that I was the better performer at Survivor Series - that *I* should be the Intercontinental champion - but she didn't, and let's say - well, she won't be doing any hitchhiking soon. But Chyna, look on the bright side - when you go to the manicurist, you can get that 'no thumb' discount - but most importantly, you know who the better MAN is." Henry tries to get first strike as Jericho enters, but doesn't. Off the ropes, Henry with a counter to the (rana?) - a powerbomb. Into the corner - but the avalanche misses. Jericho with a bulldog. Lionsault! 1, 2...3?!? Holy CRAP! (:43) Jericho asks referee "Blind" Teddy Long to raise his hand - twice. Jericho is LANGUISHING in the midcard! He should have beaten Henry in TWENTY SECONDS!! It's just so UNFAIR!

D-Von Dudley is on the phone...with...well, we'd assume the Detroit cops. Buh Buh Ray with some "hilarious" stuttering. He doesn't even know how to dr-dr-dr-dr-dr....drive!

The New Age Outalws are WALKING! A tag team title match is NEXT!

Hey, haven't had that disclaimer for a while...

Right about here my VCR crapped out for the night, so from here on in you only get what I put down live from me. Oops, my secret is out. I usually go back in and fill in the blanks later. Damn!

"WrestleMania 2000" ad #2

LILIAN GARCIA interviews the Rock. He smells it, and I have to rely on a paraphrase with no record to fall back on...fortunatley, I type pretty fast. "Finally, the Rock has come back to Cincinnati! Big Bossman, the Rock says this: last week, Monday Night RAW, did you beat the Rock? You're damn right you did. Did you beat the Rock by yourself? You're damn right you didn't! So now you're the #1 Contender for the WWF title. (golf clap) [pause for "Rock E" chant] Bossman, Bossman, the Rock says the he knows in time he will be the WWF Champion. And the Rock's People know that in due time, the Rock'll be, without a shadow of a doubt, the BEST WWF Champion there ever was. So the Rock says, Bossman, you can HAVE your #1 contendership...the Rock has the title in which you, or no one else could ever, ever have, and that is the title of being the People's Champion. So Bossman, having said that, the Rock is going to go out on SmackDown, the Rock's show, and as sure as the Rock has the recognised symbol of greatness tattooed on his arm - the Brahma Bull - the Rock will layeth the smacketh down on your candyass...[pause - robot moves]...if ya smellllllalalalalalalalowwwww what the Rock [robot moves - eyebrow] is cookin'."

MechWarrior 3 presents WWF Armageddon - coming SOON!

HARDY BOYZ (with Terri Runnels) v. NEW AGE OUTLAWS for the tag team championship - now's as good a time as any to note that the OvalTron is on the right tonight. Who had 85 minutes in the weekly pool? The Hardyz are nice enough to wait for Dogg and Ass to do their shtick - until they mention their momma - you just shouldn't do that. Again I have to weakly offer up that I didn't get this on tape, because I skip ahead in the play-by-play to the Double Feature of Matt's high-risk manoeuvre over the top rope. Now back in the ring, Dogg chops the crotch and Jeff takes offense. Off the ropes, Dogg ducks and punches and dances (right, right, right, juke, jive, left) and there's the wiggly wobbly wookiely kneedrop for 2. Tag to Ass - double shot into the ropes, duck, double clothesline from Jeff. One more double move from Jeff and all three men are down. Matt awaiting the tag - Ass holding Jeff's foot as he lunges - but Jeff leaps - HOT TAG! MATT HARDY IS COOKIN' WITH GAS! Punch, backdrop, all fours leg lariat in one corner - but the all fours move in the opposite corner ends up hitting referee "Blind" Tim White instead. Outside the ring, Matt has Ass up for a barricade clothesline from Jeff, yowch! In the ring with the Dogg - top rope legdrop with a 'twixt the legs legdrop. Set up for the sentonbomb - which hits. Now the stereo headbutts - sorry, headbutt/legdrop combo from opposite corners - Jeff trying to revive White but X-PAC is out and kicking away. Jeff taken to the STEEL steps. Matt covering Dogg as White FINALLY comes to - slooooooooow 1.........2......Ass pulls White back to the apron. While it looks like he calls for the bell for a DQ, he doesn't - but while this is going on, X-Pac is in from behind with the X-Factor - White now turns around and sees Dogg covering Matt - another slow count - 1.......2........3. Outlaws steal the win and keep the titles. (4:50)

Let Us Take You Back One Week For Arnold Highlights. I'm probably the only person who cares that Vince is giving Arnold a recycled, obsolete belt and probably saving a chunka change in the process. Replay of the Mazzola interview from RAW. I saw Schwarzenegger on "Access Hollywood" a few days back - you know he actually BELIEVES 500 million people worldwide are going to eventually see him. And who knows, maybe he's right.

MARISSA MAZZOLA interviews GABRIEL BYRNE, who, in one of the more surreal moments I've seen lately *cuts a promo in character*. Something about Kane and Undertaker and Satan and "End of Days" or something...just...strange. Now here's some new Arnold soundbites and still more clips from "End of Days," a movie with such a large promotional budget that they can afford some REALLY REALLY CRAPPY java ads to further stink up WrestleLine and find yet another reason to make me proud to be affiliated with the Franchise.

Back in the locker room, Shane, Vince and Stephanie smell something burning - Test, of course, has a broken nose and can't smell anything. NO! NOT AN AD BREAK NOW! WHAT'S BURNING?!?

Next week - a SPECIAL edition of SmackDown! What's special about it? WE'RE ALL TAKING THE WEEK OFF FOR THANKSGIVING! Don't worry - we'll find some non-holiday-havin' Canadians to edit copy for this site that weekend.

The sounds of choking coughing - and the sight of smoke brings four figures out of Mr. McMahon's office...but what's on fire?

BIG BOSSMAN (with Prince Albert) v. LA ROCA - check that, apparently Stephanie did NOT emerge from the office. Our two heel friends sport rather prominent bandages from the brutal beating the Rock gave them to close out Monday's show. I'm assuming this is a non-hardcore, nontitle bout - someone will tell me if I'm wrong, I'm sure. Cole says Monday we saw a side of the Rock that he hopes we never see again. That probably makes you go "Hmmmm." Rock starts out with rights. Into the corner - into the opposite corner, Bossman slides outside the ring as the crowd chants "Rock E." Rock outside with a clothesline. Head to the barricade. Head to the STEEL steps. Trying to open him up again? Back in the ring as we see Albert brandish the nightstick. Bossman stomping away as Rock comes back in second. Right hand. Right. Head to the buckle - sorta. Choke. Off the ropes, head down, face plant from the Rock. Rock ducks a right and hits a backdrop suplex for 2. Loogie right, stomp, off the ropes, is reversed, ducked, Bossman tries a piledriver, but Rock hits a backdrop. Off the ropes, Bossman counters with a spinebuster for 2. Rock tossed out of the ring. Albert with some uppercuts while referee "Blind" Earl Hebner discusses stock options with Bossman. Back in the ring, scoop - and a slam. Bossman to the second rope - Rock with a kick as he comes down - DDT - 2. Right hand, right, right, right, right, hand signal for the Ref, kick, whip is held on by the Bossman - into the Rock Bottom attempt - but Bossman slides out of it. Albert tosses him the nightstick - but Rock ducks the swing and DOES hit the Rock Bottom uranage. 1, 2, 3. (3:08) Albert in to beat up on the Rock - here's WELL IT'S THE BIG SHOW to make the save. Huh?!? AhhhhtheCHOKESLAAAAAM for Albert. Bossman takes off, Albert with him and Big Show follows. Now the HOLLYS are out for no apparent reason - ahhh, WTF?!? Both men taste Rock Bottom. Send 'em home happy, Vince! Play the Rock's music! Quick, get out before someone questions what just happened!

"The Strip" ad #2

Damn, is it just me or are there a LOT of matches tonight? I sure hope we get one o' them ten minute interview segments to close this show to balance things out!

TREBLE H is out. Oh boy, MY WISH HAS BEEN GRANTED!! Apparently, Stephanie's okay - and there was apparently another exit to the office ALL THIS TIME. One with no cops, I'm guessing. Back up the truck through that plot hole - thanks. Backstage, Vince says he KNOWS the DX and Triple H had something to do with this. Vince asks the cops to escort his son, daughter, and future son-in-law to the car. They say the cops should stick with Vince - they'll make sure Stephanie's protected. Vince complies with this because HE'S JUST THAT DUMB. Paraphrasing Triple H: "You know this whole thing started out as business. It was plain and simple - business - that's it. I busted my ass to get what I wanted. I became the World Wrestling Federation champion through determination, blood, sweat, tears - all mine - to become - [pause for "asshole" chant] - I was the World Wrestling Federation champion! But that burned a hole in Vince McMahon - it ate him alive - because after all, y'know I wasn't one of Vince's 'boys' - I did it on my own - without his help - and that burned his ass, bad. So it came down to Survivor Series - where Vince McMahon SCREWED ME. Vince McMahon stole from ME. Vince McMahon committed a crime against me PERSONALLY. PERSONALLY - which left me with no choice but to have DX get personal with Vince McMahon. So then what you have is what happened tonight. We got personal with Vince McMahon's whole damn family, which leaves only one thing left to do...and that is for Vince McMahon to take the walk down to the ring to get face-to-face with me - to stand man-to-man, eye-to-eye with me, and let me get personal with you. So Vince, get your ass out here...NOW. Oh and Vince, this is between you and me - this is *personal* - so leave the police out in the back and come out here so we can deal with this PERSONALLY." "No Chance in Hell" plays and here's BILLIONAIRE VINCE. I didn't get a good look at the video this time, sorry. It's mostly just out of camera range for some reason. Vince removes his jacket (!) but H says "Hold on, tough guy, I knew you wanted to come out here all full of piss and vinegar, but if you touch me, I will SUE your ass! I will SUE you for every red cent you've got in those bulging pockets of yours, pal. Becuase I know what would happen. I would beat your old, weathered, bad hair havin' ass...and tomorrow I would be fired, right? Oh yeah, you'd fire my ass sure as the day is long. No, what I propose is we're gonna do it another way - tomorrow you go back to your office and you have that team of attorneys that you have work so diligently at screwing everybody under the sun - you get those lawyers to draw up some papers that state (at a specified date) that you and me will meet in this very ring. Let's make this personal...and I do mean personal as we possibly can get. So Vince, you draw up those papers and you get them to me. Now, what that contract should also start is, Vince, that no matter how bad I beat your ass - no matter how bad I stop you - you can do NOTHING to me afterwards. I can not be fired, I can not be monetarily attacked. No one from your family can do anything about it, no one from your legal department can do anything about it...after I do the inevitable, which is beat you THAT CLOSE to the edge of your life. And Vince, it seems to me that the perfect date for such an event would be...December...you've got a pay-per-view coming up, what's it called...Armageddon? That's very fitting, Armageddon, that's your next overhyped event, right? Well ...one more time, it will be done. Whaddayasay, old man? Do we have a deal?" But we hear a scream and check the OvalTron - it looks like Shane, Test and Stephanie are all at the bottom of a flight of stairs. "That looks like your family, Vince!" The sad part is Vince rolled up his sleeves for NOTHIN'! Also he didn't give Triple H an answer...ah well, there's always Monday. Vince runs back to the stairs as Triple H keeps laying it on. Credits are up - "Be careful, Vince! Watch your step!" And with that, we're out.

Hey, wait - what was on fire?

Wait! Who drove the car that ran down Steve Austin? In terms of episodic mystery, this ain't exactly "Who shot Peter Dallas" here, ya know? I DON'T think you're going to sustain my interest with that through Sweeps...now, that *sign carryin' guy*, on the other hand....