Corliss Williamson, the REAL "Big Nasty," had something to say about pro wrestling when he answered some fan email for NBA.com, check it out. A probably-fascinating-to-no-one-but-myself bit of trivia - Corliss and I went to SuperBrawl VII in the same bus as part of a contest for a Sacramento sports talk station. He got a better seat than I did, though.

In the interests of full disclosure, NBA.com is run by a competitor to the parent of WrestleLine, who are real sports for letting the link go through. They ALSO enjoy it when they don't have to hear me bitch.

SPEAKING OF SEGUE: Hello! The BIG SECRET in the teaser was NOT that Al Snow tossed the bio - the Wheel of Fortune booking made sure we all saw THAT coming - no, the big secret was that the Big Show was born out of wedlock! Sheesh! Get with the program! Come ON!

AWARDS: I'm REALLY behind schedule. It's really rather embarrassing. We'll see if I can catch up and have better news Monday - but don't count on it.

IT'S THE END (OF THE YEAR): I need some volunteers to help compile my Year in Quotes. Who wants to read old, old reports and pick out the funny bits? Send me an email. Monday I'll dig up last year's version (complete with nostalgic WM graphics!) and throw you a link...if they LET me...

MAD PROPS: and no witty comment to Matt DeBarger. Thanks, dude!

Let's get to the show!

You are...

Opening Credits and Closed Captioned symbol

FIREWORKS! Welcome again to the show that never...naw. En Espanol Donde Sea Disponible! The Fleet Center in Boston, MA is SOLD OUT for the 9.12.99 (taped Pearl Harbour Day) edition of WWF SmackDown! only on UPN!

ROAD DOGG v. CHRIS THURSDAY JERICHO - In this TV-PG world, it sure seems like they say "B.A. Billy Gunn" a lot more than "Mr. Ass" - you notice that? Dogg rhymes a bit and shticks a bit more. Jericho, however, gets the transcription treatment. "Let me talk about Armageddon. The end of time. The end of the world as we know it, but in this case, the end of that grotesque freak of nature, Chyna's, pathetic wrestling career. Chyna, there's nothing you can do about it - just shut your mouth and remember, 'thumb's the word.' Ha-HA! And Road Dogg, since I needed a warmup match for Armageddon, and since I'm beating up a long-haired, tattooed, effiminate loser of a wrestler, I figure that tonight, I would face ANOTHER long-haired, tattooed, effiminate LOSER of a wrestler, and quite honestly, you fit the bill. So you wanna talk about doggy-style, well tonight prepared to be destroyed by AYATOLLAH STYLE." Before Jericho enters the ring, THAT SLUT CHYNA makes an entrance and takes the third headset at the commentary table. Lockup, to the corner, rolling around, to another corner - Jericho gets out a slap as they break, now trading punches, off the ropes, reversed, shoulderblock by Dogg. Up and over off the ropes, leapfrom by Jericho, lunging at him, into a hot shot. Dogg with a right that takes him down. Jericho reverses a whip and hits a heel kick, then nips up as Dogg goes outside. WWF officials apparently ruled there would be no DX interference tonight. Jericho runs at the ropes and hits a pescado on the fly. Outside, Jericho on him with punches, to the barricade, but as he tries to get a running start off the steps, Dogg steps aside and puts Jericho into the barricade. But Jericho punches back, trading blows, to the eyes, Jericho with a snap suplex. Back in the ring we go - Jericho up in the corner - but he spots Chyna. He makes the "break in half" pantomime - then blows her a kiss. Back up on the apron and climbing the corner - but Dogg is up and meets him with a dropkick on his way down. Off the ropes, Jericho slides under but pops up into the left, left, left, juke, jive, right, off the ropes, wiggly wobbly wooqly kneedrop combo that we all know and love for 2. Jericho reversing an Irish whip into the corner and coming out with a bulldog. Lionsault! 1, 2, 3! Oops, Dogg's foot was on the rope but referee "Blind" Tim White didn't see it. Too Bad! (2:57) Chyna's up on the apron, however - of COURSE White's just gonna BELIEVE her. White restarts the match - Jericho takes a swipe at Chyna, missing, then turns around into an inside cradle - near fall. Jericho with rights, off the ropes, reversed - Dogg's got him in the pumphandle, no dry hump, there's the slam, Jericho's foot on the ropes but Chyna knocks if off - 1, 2, 3! (3:49) Of COURSE White's not gonna notice. Dogg wins and Chyna's laughin'. So, doesn't this constitute "DX interference?" I think somebody needs to get suspended! Anyway, here's your replay. Jericho still throwing a Class A tantrum.

In the McMahon's office, Vince tells us the contract will be signed, but you never know...a knock on the door stops him. Shane goes to get it...Vince says "be careful there, Champ (or is it "Shemp?")" But it's only Test. He'd like a moment alone with Stephanie - Vince offers the use of this office - he, Linda and Shane leave the room, but that RUDE, RUDE WWF cameraman sticks around...

"To what lengths will a man go to avenge his only daughter?" Find out Sunday - at WWF Armageddon! It's No Holds Barred!

When we come back, it's just Test and Stephanie - and you and me and that cameraman. "Steph, I know it's taking me a long time to come to you but it's been a rough, real rough couple days - I mean, I need to clear my head, I can't even imagine what you're going through - and this is really hard, but I think it's best for everybody if we - if we just call the engagement off for now." "I guess if that's really the way you feel, then maybe you should have this back. I'm so sorry...(something obscured by sobbing)..I never meant for it to be this way - I never meant for it to be like this." The ring changes hands back to Test. Steph and Test take turns fighting back tears. "Steph, I still care about you." "You know it's kinda funny - is that, this is the place that you first asked me out." "Steph, I just want you to know that I will always care about you." Hey, they're gonna kiss! Oh, but X-Pac busts in - "Hohoho! Hey what are you doin' with my best friend's wife, man?" Test says this is a private situation - yeah, between him, Stephanie and this camerman. Leave or suffer the consequences...I wonder if we're setting up a match here.

OLYMPIC GOLD MEDALIST AND CELEBRATED REAL ATHLETE KURT ANGLE & STEVE BLACKMAN (with Riggs & Murtaugh) v. DUDLEY BOYZ - oh, apparently they're already booked. Oh well. "First of all, I would like...FIRST of all, I would like everyone here in Boston to know that if you follow my three I's (intensity, integrity and intelligence), you can accomplish ANYTHING you want - you could. And if you follow my three I's, then maybe someday even THIS town could win a World Series - you could, you could. Now I wanna introduce my nemesis and tag team partner, the Lethal Weapon Steve Blackman!" Is it just me, or did Blackman only go back to the baton demonstration after Kid Romeo started doing his weak-ass glowstick demonstration on Worldwide and Saturday Night? Hey look, there's NOMAR GARCIAPARRA in the crowd! SmackDown! for Trenton sold old in 41 minutes, we are told. Angle says he'll start - him and D-Von. D-Von gets on all fours and dares Angle to mount him. Mat wrestling?!? What show is this? Angle calmly takes him down with a waistlock, then floatsover into a cradle for 2. Back up we go - D-Von asks Angle to give him a shot at it. Angle complies - then D-Von just stomps away on him. Ha! Right cross. Off the ropes, Angle ducks, waistlock into a suplex - just dropped him on his head! To his corner, tag to Blackman, open shot, kick, kick, dropkick. Blackman looking crsip. Off the ropes, but D-Von gets in a kick and tags out to his half brother. Roundhouse misses from Blackman, right misses from Buh Buh Ray, off the ropes, there's a spinning heel kick. To the ropes, working him over with quick strikes and a kick, tag to Angle, double whip, double back elbow. Angle with a right, right, now trading blows, off the rope is reversed, Angle ducks, big back body drop. Clothesline, there's a chop to Blackman, ensuring that referee "Blind" Teddy Long will be distracted just long enough for the totally illegal headbutt to the open crotch by D-Von. Now he's giving last rites - but Angle pops up at 2. Tag to Buh Buh Ray, open shot. To the ropes, open-handed gunshot slap. Right, scoop - and a slam. Off the ropes but the splash misses. Tag to Blackman! Clothesline! Dropkick! Now a gutshot to D-Von! Dropkick! Kick to Buh Buh Ray, tag, got him in the corner - belly-to-belly from the second rope! Angle celebrating quite a bit when he should be covering, so Blackman tags Angle (much to his dismay) - while they have a chat, D-Von is back in and pushing Blackman into Angle (both men's backs turned) - and then Blackman tastes the 3D. B.B. Ray covers - 1, 2, 3. (4:06) Angle demands the mic. "I just wanna say for the record - that was not my loss! That was Steve Blackman's loss! For the record, I am still defeated in the World Wrestling Federation!" Then he takes down Blackman with a fireman's carry. Angle's music plays. Well, I guess this team's done.

Here we are at a club - the X Change? Does it matter? Guess not. What DOES matter is who's IN this house - Too Cool and Rikishi. Grandmaster Sexy says it's on like neckbone - hey! That's Booker T.'s line! Hey, Rikishi shouldn't be smoking - should he?

Your hosts are a pair of kings - MICHAEL KING COLE & JERRY LAWLER. Tonight, the big contract signing between Triple H and Vince McMahon! X-Pac takes on Test! Former best friends collide when Al Snow takes on Mankind! Mr. Ass vs. the Rock! AND if that wasn't enough, Triple H takes on Kane! Stick around.

The Lugz Boot of the Week is X-Pac's boots to Tori - but not the broncobuster - Kane caught him and threw him halfway across the ring.

"WWF SmackDown is sports entertainment featuring trained professionals. Any attempt to perform the moves or stunts you see tonight could result in serious physical injury." (But probably not - go ahead, kids!)

KEVIN "NAILZ" KELLY takes us back to RAW where we learned that in the Four Corners Evening Gown match for the WWF Women's title, Ivory, B.B. and Jacqueline would be joined by Miss Kitty - who apparently doesn't wear underwear now. In a few moments, Kelly says he'll have a few words with Miss Kitty - who apparently is in a stunning evening gown. Then he does some funky stuff with his eyebrows to let you know where HIS mind is gonna be - hey, Kevin, come on! This is a TV-PG rated show!

CHRISTIAN v. BRITISH BULLDOG for the European Championship - Let Us Take You Back to Last Week where Edge jacked up his knee - I'd tell you it's a fake injury but you wouldn't BELIEVE me - but keep in mind he's gonna be in that Highlander film...anyway, as Bulldog walks the aisle the entire arena turns orange and a stranage symbol appears on the OvalTron...but only briefly. Lockup, Christian shoved into the corner. Lockup again, down he goes. Lockup, side headlock from the Bulldog, powering out off the ropes, shoulderblock. Up and over, leapfrog, hiplock block, Bulldog gets one of his own. Christian puts up the boots - arm drag into an armbar. Bulldog to the corner. Whip out is reversed, boots up by Christian, charging - into a press slam. There's a clothesline. Half hour suplex! Cover - but only 2. European forearm. Into one corne,r and the other - Christian manages a Russian legsweep. Ducking the clothesline, there's a dropkick. Off the ropes, boot in the midsection, swinging neckbreaker for 2. Off the ropes, reversed, Bulldog presses him, but Christian gets free and hits a Slop Drop. Now setting him up for the Tomokaze, but the MEAN STREET POSSE is out (DQ 2:32). BALD VENIS is out...now D'LO BROWN is also out. Just as well that Christian didn't win the title - he'd probably end up jobbing it out to Dwayne Gill or something. Anyway, Sunday will see a Triple Threat Euro title match twixt Bulldog, Venis and Brown, okay.

Kevin Kelly interview MISS KITTY, who just KNOWS she's gonna win this. Kelly openly stifles laughter, then asks about her gown on Sunday. Kitty says this is serious business, and after she wins the title, they're not gonna call her Miss Kitty - they're gonna call her the Cat. What, and she'll be a three-time world karate champion? Kelly tells her she better wear some underwear Sunday. Kitty rips (claws?) off his shirt to show what the Cat can do. Or something. Kelly's wearing a T-shirt underneath, disappointing millions of women - and three guys.

Back at the club, it's time for Scotty Too Hottie to break 'em off some, word. And we all thought that breakdancing was dead!

Let Us Take You Back To RAW where Big Bossman coaxed Mrs. Wight into revealing a blockbuster secret - THIS time, every instance of the word "bastard" is beeped out. Funny, they said it on the "Unky Herb" episode of the Simpsons...

Tonight, WWF SmackDown! is brought to you by the WWF Slam Cam, WWF: The Music (Volume 4 - available at all Camelot, Coconuts and Record Town stores!), and Capcom's "Resident Evil 3"

BIG BOSSMAN & PRINCE ALBERT v. HARDY BOYZ (with Nipples) - we learn that the Show is with his mother tonight, and not in the arena. "Hey Big Show - I mean, Big Freakshow! I guess the question on everyone's mind is - who's your daddy, punk?" Ha! Bossman and Jeff Hardy start. Lockup, Bossman shoves him down. Cole says Big Show HAS just pulled into the Fleet Center. Hmmm, coincidence! Kick, hairpull takedown from the Bossman. Hardy with quick rights and a dropkick but Albert gets in a kick as he goes off the ropes, and Bossman hits a big back body drop. Matt's in with a flying clothesline out of the corner. Backstage, we see that the Big Show is indeed here - and he's WALKING! Back to action, Albert in, missing a double clothesline. Double gutshot from the Hardys - double suplex! Time for some all fours assisted leg lariats. As the Hardys stomp away on the Bossman, WELL IT'S THE BIG SHOW is out and heading for Bossman. Prince Albert meets him - and goes down with one right hand. Show gently pushes the Hardys aside and kicks away. Beals him across the ring! Bossman goes outside, but Show follows. Only a timely nightstick in the man ensemble from Prince Albert gives them the chance to make haste. Show quickly recovers (hmmm, maybe a little TOO quickly - you know) and the chase is on. Backstage, we see Albert and Bossman get in the waiting car and drive off. Bossman yells to nobody (or the camerman) that it'll all be over Sunday... Oh, the match? (DQ? under 2:00)

"TitanTron Live" ad - hell YEAH we're gonna advertise toys during a TV-PG show!

...watching UPN!

Wow, Nicole Bobek is so fine. But I STILL probably can't be bothered to watch "the Nutcracker on Ice."

Al Snow is WALKING! Let's Take a Special Video Look at the emotional story of jealousy, rage, and a friendship gone sour - between Al Snow and Mankind. Man, they sure make it look like there's a lot of continuity here, don't they? Hell, maybe there is...

MANKIND (with homemade TV-PG-DLV ratings box) v. AL SNOW (with Head) - Mankind turns his back and invites the open shot - and Snow WAILS away on him. Mankind not fighting back at all here. Head to the buckle. Rights, choke, "I'm your friend!" Yeah, you can tell the way he's laying into him. Outside we go - we really ARE turning the hour, I guess - there's station identification! Mankind's head to the table. Right, right, right, Cole says Snow just said "Can't you see I love you?" You always hurt.... whipped into the barricade. Snow sets up a chair for an Arabian move of some sort, but it's too far away. Mankind meets him at the bottom of his jump with an elbow. Mankind's gonna fight back now - to the apron, to the table. Whip into the STEEL steps and Snow rolls back in. Mankind asks referee "Blind" Mike Chioda to go see if he's okay. Mankind in the ring - now HE'S checking out Snow. Snow clotheslines him down. Stomping away. Cole said "ECW!" Off the ropes, back elbow. Snow chokes him with the top rope. Off the ropes, head down, kik from Mankind. There's a clothesline that takes both men over the top rope to the floor. Mankind back in the ring - but he's runnig the ropes - baseball slide dropkick! Mankind out again - but Snow backdrops him over the table! Snow over the table and now punching away. Choking him with the mic cable! Back to the ring, finally, and Snow appropriates a chair on his way back in. Chioda wrests it from him - well, no he doesn't - but Mankind gets in his shot before Snow can use the chair. Succession of rights from Mankind - running knee into the corner! Mankind slapping Snow in the face, off the ropes, reversed, duck, gutshot, double underhook DDT! Going for the sock...but Mankind changes his mind and puts it back. Now he holds the chair....Chioda urging him not to do it - having a good long think about it - just enough time for Snow to hit him in the jimmy, grab the chair and take it to Foley's skull. (DQ 5:19) There's a DDT on the chair. Now Snow ramming Mankind's head repeatedly into the chair. Snow with the maniacal smile that we all love...stomping away. Now he's back up the aisle...

Shane tells Vince that he can't make the mistake Mick just made - if he gets the shot, WHAM! Vince promises he'll be heartless. Another knock at the door, but this time it's Patterson & Brisco - it's time for the contract signing.

MechWarrior 3 brings us the WWF Rewind - from RAW, Triple H crafts some stipulations - then kisses Stephanie while Vince emotes on.

"No Chance in Hell" brings the McMAHON FAMILY, PAT PATTERSON & GERALD BRISCO to the ring. "Triple H - ahh, this is going to be quite an occasion. This Sunday - Armageddon - Triple H and me, no holds barred. I can't wait. Notwithstanding the fact that I'll get a lot of personal pleasure out of this matchup, most importantly, a recent provision added by Triple H will also give me great pleasure, and that is the annulment provision. That means that after I defeat Triple H this Sunday he will no longer be a member of my family, and to me, that's like cutting cancer out of my body. So let's get this formality - this contract signing over with, Triple H. Come on out - let's do this." While TREBLE H walks out, will someone explain to me what the deal is - does that TOP just expire Sunday or what? "Did I hear you right - say 'formality?' Did you just call this a formality, let's get that out of the way? Vince, I want you to understand something - I want you to understand the significance of signing these papers. When these are signed, these guarantee a lot of things. The first thing they guarantee me is they guarantee me the World Wrestling Federation championship, because it's as simple as this, Vince - all I need is one shot. This gives me one shot, and that means it's as good as mine. The other thing it guarantees, Vince, is it guarntees me the opportunity to beat your ass worse than it's ever been beaten before. Vince, understand that when you sign this document, you face me - you face The Game in a no holds barred match. One of the most dangerous matches in the world - why? Because I can do anything to you I damn well please. And Vince...last but not least, these papers, when signed, guarantee me a lifetime of wedded bliss with your daughter Stephanie. So understand, this is not just a formality - this is a momentous occasion, and I think everybody here can feel it - I know *I* can feel it, as I stand here before the McMahon family - one of the most successful families in the history of American business - a family that I am OH SO PROUD to be a member of. And Vince, how successful at business you are - and you know, like father, like son - I'm pretty successful in business myself - in fact, I just completed one of my most successful business ventures to date when I married your daughter - the stock options alone, Vince, oh my God! You wouldn't believe - oh no wait, you would believe. Vince what would you say your most successful business moment has been?" "I haven't had it yet - it's gonna be this Sunday when I dismember you! THAT'S GONNA BE THE MOST SUCCESSFUL THING I'VE EVER DONE IN MY LIFE! 'Cause it'll guarantee that you go right down to the bottom where you belong and it'll guarantee my daughter's freedom!" "Well, since you understand what this means, and since I've reviewed it and everything seems to be in order, I'm gonna come on down there, and let's get to signing--oh, whoa, wait waitwaitwaitwaitwaitwait one second, heh heh, I just remembered a little something - that whole fifty foot restraining order thing. You see if I come down there, then you gotta come up here, and then the whole thing's rather silly. I mean, after all you cannot come within fifty feet of me, otherwise you'd be arrested on sight." "Bring me the papers you damn coward!" "No I've got a better idea Vince, because I don't want you to miss Sunday because I'm gonna to enjoy every minute of it, so I've got a better idea. Why don't you send my oh so beautiful wife up here and I will personally hand her these papers and maybe she can get herself a little smooch to go with it." Shane says he'll go instead. "Shane's not quite the guy I had in mind to smooch with! Easy now tough guy - get the glare outta your stare - there you go." Shane backs down the ramp, not taking his eyes of him. "Come on, hustle errand boy, I don't have all day!" Vince takes the contract, turns to the last page... "You haven't signed these papers, you're supposed to sign them - you haven't signed them!" "You know, I figured you'd be smarter than that. After all, I learned from the best - never sign first, Vince - always sign last! Sign the papers and bring 'em to me and then I'll sign." Vince DOES sign, and Shane delivers the clipboard and pen back to H. "They're signed - now your fate's gonna be sealed, tough guy." "I hope I can write - I am shaking really bad." Triple H signs the contract. "There you go, kid - bring these back to your old man." And then he WAYLAYS him with the mic. Shane tries to fight back but the rest of DX is out and it's a four-on-one beatdown. Patterson & Brisco try to help but the Outlaws stave them off. "Watch and see what happens to you on Sunday Vince!" and he tosses Shane off the stage. Sean with a beautiful somersault onto the table and through it. Everybody runs over to Shane. "Vince - Vince! I've got your papers signed for ya - see ya Sunday, old man! See ya Sunday, sweetheart!" The contract is tossed at Shane. The EMT's are out and you KNOW it's serious 'cause B.B. is out! Geez, they shouldn't pick him up THAT way if his back is hurt...

Let Us Take You Back to Moments Ago as a variety of angles capture Triple H tossing Shane off the stage through the table. I like the reaction of that stagehand who was sitting at the table. There's an iso of Vince cringing.

Backstage, Vince tells Shane he feels responsible for what happened. Shane says he's not responsible for this - he wants Vince to promise that he'll give Triple H what he's got coming to him - take him out.

X-PAC v. TEST - hey, you want THUNDER! to be competitive again? Maybe it would help if you aired it at 8 in the Pacific timezone instead of airing the replay at almost 10. Then again, maybe it wouldn't. Anyway, Test's entrance is interrupted by the Orangeness Of It All. Test goes ahead and charges X-Pac, ignoring that strange symbol. X-Pac quickly to the outside. Test waiting for him to get back in. Spit in his face! Test decides maybe he WILL come outside after all (over the top rope, natch) - the chase is on - X-Pac stops short and takes Test into the STEEL steps. Referee "Blind" Tim White puts on the count. 7, 8, 9...Test barely beats it in the ring. X-Pac stomping away. Snapmares him over, lightning legdrop. Got him in a headlock - Test elbows out, takes him off the ropes, X-Pac ducks and hits a spinning heel kick - for 2. In the corner, patented series of three kicks - time for the broncobuster - but Test just gets out of the way and 'Pac sings soprano. Test coming back..."Iblockyourpunchyoudon'tblockmine." Right, right, off the ropes, duck, sidewalk slam with a full rotation. Pumphandle - but X-Pac scoots out. Test beals him into tthe corner, though - Ten Punch Count Along stopped at four with a Golota. X Factor! 1, 2, 3! (2:58) Well, that was a surprise. Say, if X-Pac can beat a big man in Test, maybe he has a chance against Kane! The words "yeah, right" come to mind, but...

Meanwhile, back in the club, it's time for Grandmaster Sexay to bust the proverbial move.

Shane still being worked on in the office on a stretcher. Vince promises that Triple H will pay - tonight.

Meanwhile, back in the club, it's Rikishi's turn. But he's not down with Rob Base & DJ EZ Rock, so Grandmaster produces a "WWF: The Music (Volume 4) CD. The original Too Cool theme plays (hmmm, I don't recall that being on MY copy - must be my fuzzy memory) - Rikishi and some fine lookin' women essentially do a line dance, then some clothes are removed so we can look at Rikishi's as. As Rikishi heads over to the bar to get a drink, he's hit from behind with Scale Holly (as wielded by Hardcore and Crash Holly). Funny how the music stops right when he's hit, isn't it? "Your dancin' days are over, fat boy!" Then they pour a glass of wine on him. The bouncers escort the Holly cousins out of the building as Too Cool come over to tend to their man.

The Rock - IS - WALKING!

One more Armageddon spot

Whoa, Chris Webber AND "Peter Piper!" NBA JAM 2000 must be the COOLEST GAME ON EARTH!

There's a look at the famous Old North Church - what did they call it when it was new? Hey, Boston's got a pretty nice skyline there...why don't they ever do exterior shots during WCW shows?

LA ROCA v. KING ASS - this Monday, the Rock will appear at the Miami Heat Team Store as RAW tickets go on sale - what, just three weeks before the show? Now THAT'S confidence! "Finally, the Rock has come back to Boston! Now seeing as the Rock is the People's Champion - and the People consist of the millions...of Rock's fans, there is one big Rock fan here tonight who some of you may know - and his name is Nomar Garciaparra!" We take a look at Nomar, who is striking a pose with sunglasses and eyebrow. "And tonight's opponent is a jabrone who is one half of the WWF tag team champions, Billy Gunn. So the Rock says Billy Gunn, come down to the People's ring, so the Rock can do to you exactly what he does best, and that is layeth the smacketh down - 1, 2, 3. And then, the Rock, Nomar, we're going to take Billy to a very special place here in Boston...no, Nomar, it is not the Kitty Kat Klub, but it is somewhere much more special than that - a place you're familiar with called Fenway Park. And as the Rock, Nomar and Billy stand on the pitcher's mound admiring the Green Monster...we will then go in to the Red Sox dugout, and the Rock will select a bat. And Nomar, the Rock wants you to do something very special with that bat for our friend Billy - the Rock says he wants you to shine it up real nice...keep shining it...take all the splinters out, give it back to the Rock, so the Rock can put some pine tar on it, turn that sum(beep) sideways, and stick it straight up...if ya smelllllalalalalow what the Rock is cookin'!" Hey, he let the crowd say "candyass" 'cause this is a TV-PG rated show, you know. Quite a few words are exchanged, probably something along the lines of "thanks for giving me the rub - you know Austin wouldn't" - no, I'm kidding. Rock with "Iblockyourpunchyoudon'tblockmine," right, right, over the rope goes Gunn, right to the floor. Rock outside. Scoop - Gunn out, got him up and down on the barricade. Both men back in. Kick, kick, kick, right, right, right, off the ropes, reveresd, duck, duck again, but Rock hits a Samoan drop, then floats over for 2. Right hand, into the corner, reversed, whipped into referee "Blind" Earl Hebner, who crashes like a ton of bricks. Two rights by the Rock, whip is reversed, gutshot, Fame'Asser! Geez, one minute in, Herb, and they're acting like it's been twenty. Gunn covers but Hebner's out. Gunn getting his attention - 1....2.....no! Like Mr. Ass is gonna pin the Rock in 80 seconds. Gunn whips Rock, reversed, and another collision with Hebner. Rock with a spinebuster. People's elbow? Yup. 1, 2, 3. (1:59) I haven't seen a match that crappy in ... at LEAST a half an hour!

Linda McMahon is WALKING! She comes across Brisco & Patterson - "have you guys seen Vince? I'm just really worried about what he might do." Patterson tries to assure Linda that he's just taking a little walk to calm down, he's fine. Brisco tries to assure Linda that they're just getting him some coffee. Do those two stories jibe? Anyway, Linda asks them to find Vince, and they say they will. Then Patterson makes a weird face - must be from his close proximity to a woman or something. Hey, SOMEBODY'S gotta pick up the banner around here.

And now it's time for the Smack of the Night - presented by Western Union Money Transfer! Of COURSE it's Triple H tossing Shane McMahon off the stage. "Vince - I've got your papers signed for ya."

MechWarrior 3 presents WWF Armageddon this Sunday - LIVE - and only on PAY-PER-VIEW!

TREBLE H. (with water) v. KANE (with Tori) - H already getting into it with Earl Hebner, who hasn't worked two matches in a row for something like forever, as far as I remember. You can tell something's up - now a shove - now another - Hebner off the ropes with a shouldebrock that takes Triple H down! Helmsley doesn't respond to this kindly, decking Hebner with a right. Hebner goes down like a ton a bricks, as you might expect. Then Helmsley breaks his leg like Curt Hennig would do it. The lights are out and Kane makes his entrance. B.B. and TONY GAREA are out to tend to Hebner - and now a GUY IN VINCE MASK is out wearing the zebra shirt and black gloves. Kane takes a distracted Triple H off the ropes and hits a back elbow. Uppercut. Into the opposite corner, H puts up an elbow, then decks the new ref, who rolls to the outside. Kane on him as a SECOND GUY IN VINCE MASK swaggers out. Kane still on him with punches and kicks. H manages a facebuster counter. H with a finger pointing to the ref as Kane slams him down. Elbowdrop misses - and H takes out ref number three with a clothesline, then kicking him until he rolls out of the ring. Back in the ring, right hand has no effect on Kane. Neither does that one. H repeatedly punching, now taking Kane off the ropes, duck, big boot. Here's a THIRD GUY IN VINCE MASK. Who else is thinking "Doink! Doink! Doink!" right now? Wow, Tori's really had an effect on this match! Kane taking him off the ropes, duck, gutshot, DDT by Triple H. The ref is on the apron, now in the ring as Triple H climbs the corner - off the top - but into a chokeslam. H rolls out to the outside. Now all three Vinces walk over - and up the ramp as Helmsley backs up. But behind him...that one's GOTTA be BILLIONAIRE VINCE even though he's wearing a Vince mask - it's the same suit and he's not wearing gloves. Anyway, he wields a pipe and there's two whacks to Triple H. X-PAC is out and he goes down. The OUTLAWS come out and THEY go down! They shouldn't have attacked black ninja style, you know - one at a time. The rest of the available REFS & OFFICIALS come out but "Vince" still wields the pipe. Now LINDA McMAHON is out. One more stomp to Triple H - the credits are up as Linda and whoever walk out. We'll see you at Heat - and then at Armageddon!