True heels would have booked like this: Moolah v. Mae Young Evening gown match; Mideon v. Viscera, 60-minute Iron Man match; and the suprise return of The Warrior, who is given 15 minutes on the mic. THAT is how heels are supposed to book a show...

AWARDS: The Year-end Awards were posted to rec.sport.pro-wrestling.info on Monday. A few surprises, a few standbys, but a good time was had by all. STILL haven't figured out how to get to Usenet? I'll try to get a Web version out there in the coming weeks and throw the URL your way.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO: Kim! Kim! Good ol' Bitchfactor! Even if it WAS really Wednesday - I didn't do a report then! Happy birthday Kim! Yes!

SPECIAL THANKS TO: Mark Coale (read "From the Dark Side!" Early and often!) and Martin Zacks (again). I have a feeling I've forgotten a special thanks and I'm very sorry to whoever that person might be.

'TIS THE SEASON: Craig AND Joe both amazed me with wrestling-related gifts - *very* scanworthy - and starting Monday I shall start sharing them with YOU as the (no doubt *incredibly* missed) PICTURE OF THE WEEK - RETURNS! Oh, listen to me hype away. You'd come back Monday anyway - right? Errr, right?

THROWING IT OUT THERE: Anybody buy that "Best of the AWA III" Direct TV thing? MiCasa? I don't have a dish, but Joe does, and I TOTALLY tripped seeing the ad for it - in fact, I was a little surprised nobody had mentioned it yet...anyway, I was just a little curious about it - that's all

KINGS UPDATE: 14-10 (I think), fifth place (6.5 GB). This week's pretty much sucked - lost to the Warriors AND the Clippers in the same week. Eych. The BEST part was Monday, where I could switch from watching the Packers lose to watching the Kings lose - back and forth and back and forth - no WONDER I was in such a good mood doing the Monday shows, eh?

In fact, good old KMAX decided to pre-empt tonight's show so that we couldn't miss a minute of the Clippers pretty much owning it tonight - sad, so sad. The heartbreak of being a Kings fan - I'm starting to remember it...

ON LOCATION: Oh yeah, if I'm watching KMAX, I must be back in Modesto! Huzzah! Sure beats WORKIN'!

You are watching...

One World Leader Attitude - TV-PG-DLV - WWF!

Let Us Take You Back to Earlier Today where all of the wrestlers assembled before Mick Foley at the podium - he's here to address the "McMahon-Helmsley error." He thinks the new era "stinks," and feels kinda silly following Triple H's orders to wrestle. Matt Hardy's in the hospital with a cracked cheekbone and broken, Test has a broken nose, Mae Young was put into a triple threat tag match, top rope topless matches, seven appearances of the Mean Street Posse...the list goes on and on. Mankind invokes Dee Snider and Twisted Sister in leading the crowd in "We're Not Gonna Take It..." and everybody says "ANYMORE!" Stephanie barges in on the meeting and says she needs to explain a couple things. She's only been in control for two weeks - she's made some mistakes, and the biggest was listening to Triple H. Tonight, the McMahon-Helmsley era ends and the McMahon era begins. Tonight, Test takes on Road Dogg alone, Al Snow gets the Rock - in a steel cage to keep the other folks out, and Mankind will take on the Big Show with Triple H suspended in a shark cage. After the match, the winner will get to take out their frustrations on HIM. And the loser, for that matter. And, hell, let's let Test, Edge, Christian, and the Hardy Boyz have what's left of Triple H after THEY'RE done.

Opening credits and closed captioned symbol

FIREWORKS! We come to you tonight from the Reunion Arena in Dallas, TX 23.12.99 (taped 21.12) and we are en espanol donde sea disponible! Because it's WWF SMACKDOWN!

CHRIS THURSDAY JERICHO v. HARDCORE HOLLY (with Crash & Scale Holly) for the Intercontinental championship - hey, Santa hat on the chyron! "Now that we're in the midst of the holiday season, Burl Ives tells us to have a holly jolly Christmas - well, there ain't gonna be nothin' jolly about Bob Holly's Christmas after he receives a yuletide beating from the Ayatollah of Rock and Rollah, 'cause tonight, I'm gonna deck THESE halls with the goofballs of Holly!" Always sounds strange to hear Jericho get a name correct, isn't it? Even if he hasn't been "Bob" for almost a year... Lockup, side headlock from Holly, to the ropes, off the ropes, shouldebrlock by Holly. Up and over, off the roepes, leapfrog, back elbow from jericho, boot, right, right, in the corner, knife-edge chop, right, off the ropes, reversed, up and over, best dropkick in the business by Holly. Holly pounding on him and now stomping away. Jericho hits a right, Holly rakes the face. Off the ropes, clothesline by Holly. Jericho with fights, forearm, another one, and another face rake by Holly. Ready for the vertical suplex - nicely done. Holly going outside and scaling the turnbuckles. Jericho crotches him. Up on the top rope - battling on top - Holly pushes him away...but eats the boots on his way down. Jericho stomp, right, right, chop, off the ropes, duck, spin kick. Jericho's whip is reversed, but he hits a flying jalapeno for 2 - foot on the rope. Out of the corner, Jericho with a bulldog as he bounces out. Lionsault? No, baseball slide to Crash. Just enough time for Holly to get in a boot. Jericho up and over off the ropes - Walls of Jericho! Crash in and waffles him with the belt (DQ 3:08) - a doubleteam beatdown occurs and who should come out but THAT SLUT CHYNA. Together they dispatch with the Hollys as ERNEST MILLER walks out - she and Chyna walk back together as Jericho gives us the "I'm really confused" look.

In the locker room, the Outlaws tell Triple H that Stephanie's not worth it. "Marriage is marriage - this is business. Let me think, okay? There's got to be a way out of this..."

WWF New York's grand opening is January, 2000 but the doors are open now - come get some! Of course, if you've been paying attention, you've already read the Exclusive First Look...

The WWF Slam of the Week is presented by the WWF Slam Cam - from RAW last Monday, Kane and the Big Show do lots of bad things to each other - culminating in Tori winning a holiday with X-Pac

Your hosts are a pair of kings - MICHAEL KING COLE & JERRY LAWLER.

Backstage, Stephanie says she wants to help Kane but first he's got to help her - in exchange for a match with X-Pac (any stips) or any other member of DX Monday, he's got to serve as her bodyguard tonight. Stephanie goes off on a detailed list of everything X-Pac must be doing to Tori which should make most of us think she's a bit less than sincere tonight...but anyway, Kane agrees.

RIKISHI PHATU (by himself? - no, with the Interrupting Orange Lighting Treatment) v. VISSSSSSSSSSSSSSSCERA - Good God, Cole actually referred to it as the "OvalTron!" Sometimes I just STUMBLE into the correct parlance - or they're stealing from me - hmmm. (By the way, it's on the left this week.) Let Us Take You Back to Armageddon where the ersatz tag team of these two men fell apart when Big Vis hit his big ... wink wink ... kick. We come out of the replay with the big brawl having already been started. Quickly outside we go, to the table, back in the ring, clothesline from Viscera sends Rikishi flippin'. FAT ASS SPLASH! 1 - BUT HE PULLS UP! But THIS splash misses. Rikishi with a right, another, out of the corner, FAT ASS SPLASH! of his own. Scoop - but Viscera falls on him...1, 2, nope. Viscera back up, kick, right, whip out of the corner, but the splash misses. Rikishi with a superkick. Set him up for the Banzai Drop - and hits it. 1, 2, 3. (2:00) "Theme from Too Cool" plays as TOO COOL walks out. NOW IS THE TIME ON SPROCKETS WHEN WE DANCE! The crowd is quite happy to do the "American Males" clap in order to get the big man to get funky.

Backstage, Test says that this is really awkward. He doesn't know what Stephanie's up to, or if he really buys it. Stephanie says maybe he'll buy it when DX doesn't interfere in his match. Kane says "..." Boy, Test and Stephanie still have that magic between them, don't they?

Here's an exterior of the fine looking Reunion Arena

JONATHAN COACHMAN is backstage with the Rock, who isn't interested in letting the Coach ask him a question. Merry Christmas, here's your mandatory stenography: "Finally, the Rock has come back to Dallas! As we look back on the Millennium, and some of the greatest days that have taken plcae - the day Benjamin Franklin discovered electricity with his kite - the day Neal Armstrong took his first step on the moon - and the day the Rock turned his head and raised the People's Eyebrow - thus declaring the Rock now and forever the People's Champion. And as we look back on some of the worst days...on that fateful, dreaded night - the night Mrs. Snow gave birth to Al Snow - one of the biggest pieces of monkey crap walking God's green earth! Al Snow, the Rock says this, it took not one, not two, but three jabrones to beat the Rock last Monday on RAW. But the Rock says that's okay - tonight's a different night and a different show. This is SmackDown! - the Rock's show. So the Rock says...this is SmackDown!, the Rock's show. The Rock says, he is gonna do to you EXACTLY what he does best, inside of a 15 foot steel cage - the People's cage. He says he's gonna layeth the smacketh down on your candyass. And the Rock says he will deliver THE most electrifying move in sports entertainment, the People's Elbow - 1, 2, 3. Merry Christmas Jabrone - if ya smellllllalalalalalalalowww what the Rock ... ... ... ... is cookin'."

ROAD DOGG v. TEST - Let Us Take You Back to last week's SmackDown! where Test was suckered into a DX ambush by Stephanie McMahon. Hmmm.... I may feel obligated to transcribe Rock's stuff, but I'm NOT doing Dogg's, nope. If it helps, I'll tell you that he doesn't deviate in the slightest from his usual spiel tonight. Test rushes the ring and Dogg takes a hike. Dogg tries to sneak in but it doesn't work - as Test is posing on the ropes, he jumps backwards and lands an elbow - pretty neat. Here's the spinning sidewalk slam. Dogg manages to come back reversing a whip, but Test ducks and takes him to the outside - and then follows. Head to the barricade - Dogg tries to run away, Test follows and Dogg gets behind him and takes him to the STEEL steps. Right hand right to the mask. Dogg puts Test back in the ring as we see Triple H and Mr. Ass watching on a monitor. Triple H says let's see if he can handle it by himself. Test reverses a whip in the corner, but Dogg puts a boot up - off the second rope, and TEST puts a boot up! Both men down, referee "Blind" Tim White putting on the count. Both men up, Test punches, off the ropes, reversed, head down, Test with a gutwrench powerbomb. Off the ropes, duck, Dogg's fine now - right, right, juke, jive, left is ducked, Test puts him down with a mask-loaded right. Setting him up for the pumphandle slam (with a little dry hump for good luck). Now climbing for the top-rope elbow - hits it! 1, 2, 3. (2:39) We see Triple H and Mr. Ass standing up - then cut back to see Test appropriating a chair. Only through White taking it away from him do we prevent more of a beatdown. Two more refs come out and stand between Test and Dogg so Dogg can run away. Back in the locker room, Triple H tells Mr. Ass it's time to pay a little visit to Mrs. McMahon-Helmsley...

Jim Ross: "Oh my! Oh my!"

In Stephanie's office (festive! Nice tree!), DX knocks - and enters. Stephanie begs off Kane, telling him he can have Mr. Ass tonight. Triple H sits with Stephanie and says he might have made some mistakes, and abused his power a bit, but tonight, he can't be put in a cage! Stephanie says this isn't personal (and the sex is great - WHAT?) - this is business. This is HER company. H says she can't make him do this - she says maybe she can't, but... Stephanie goes outside, and brings in some cops. She says that the cops will make sure he stays in his locker room until it's time to put him in the cage, and then they'll make sure he gets IN the cage. Triple H demurs, and the cops take him DOWN.

OLYMPIC GOLD MEDALIST & CELEBRATED REAL ATHLETE KURT ANGLE v. EDGE (you think?) - Sign in the crowd says "Kurt Angle: Go back to Russia" - somebody PLEASE explain that one to me. "Please hold your applause...now...I...I always love coming down to the great state of Texas for two reasons. This state is known for it's intensity, and obviously this state is known for it's integrity. But unfortunately, the people of this great state aren't the smartest people in the world - whoa whoa whoa, wait, whoa whoa, wait a minute, wait a minute - that doesn't necessarily mean the people here in Dallas - but, if you work hard enough, this state could be known for its intelligence, it could." Edge attacks before the bell and before he even removes his evil trenchcoat! Stomping away, coat removed, right, off the ropes, reversed, fireman's carry by Angle. Edge puts the boots up, then hits an armdrag, here's a hiptoss, and here's a dropkick. Edge looking around and stoking the cheers. Second rope axehandle, but Angle blocks and catches him in a belly-to-belly - and celebrates, much to the crowd's dismay. Snap suplex. 1, 2, nope. Angle with a right hand, off the ropes, back elbow, Edge elbows back, there's a side Russian legsweep. Edge ducks a lariat and hits a superkick. Scoop - and a slam - off the ropes is reversed, but Edge powerbombs him down to counter. Edge on top - Angle makes him miss but he lands on his feet. Gutshot, DDT, 1, 2, NO! Edge puts him in the corner, ducks the boots as they come up, slide outside - he's gonna make a wish using the STEEL post! Now back in - spear? No, Angle steps aside and Edge stops short of taking out referee "Blind" Teddy Long. This is just enough of a distraction for Angle to dropkick Edge into Long, rendering him completely unconscious. Those poor refs with their weak consitutions! And now WHILE he's out, STEVE BLACKMAN comes out, applies the kendo stick to the noggin of Edge, and one reverse fireman's carry later, Blackman is still undefeated. (3:09) Here's a replay - yup, that was Blackman, and that was a kendo stick.

Backstage, Stephanie wants to know what the hell is going on with Blackman interfering in Angle's match. "You told me last Monday--" "Tonight's THURSDAY! You stay out of Kurt Angle's matches - that's MY business. Stay out of it!"

The Rock is WALKING!

WWF Slam Cam ad - "awesome!"

...UPN!

Al Snow wants to know what's up - on Monday he beat the Rock in his own match. Why isn't he getting a WWF title shot tonight as #1 contender? Why's he facing the Rock in a cage while Mick faces the champion? "Are there some politics going on here?" Stephanie, who is going to great lengths to order everybody around and let us know she's still a heel even if she's not aligned with Triple H, says if Snow defeats the Rock tonight in the cage, she'll give him a title shot Monday. Snow says no problem - he'll cripple the Rock tonight.

Let Us Take You Back to RAW where DX provided just a smidgen of assistance to help Al Snow score the pinfall in the Brahma bullrope match - if, by smidgen, you mean "a Fame-Asser."

AL SNOW (with Head and TV-PG-DLV ratings box) v. LA ROCK in the STEEL cage - can I just say that KMAX has the HUGEST TV ratings boxes EVER? Snow meets Rock on the ramp, but Rock gets the upper hand and puts Snow into the cage. Now into the barricade. Brawling on the outside, each man tries to impress the viewing audience with their punching power. Rock with a chair - but he misses. Snow with a shot, now HE has the chair - but he ALSO misses. Now in the cage, and the opening bell rings. Back and forth match - DAMN there's a lot of people in this place. Snow is the first guy to try scaling the walls - he's brought back in, of course. Off the ropes we go, head down, swinging neckbreaker by the Rock. Snow goes for the chair - and buries it in his gut. Snow gets to the top, but Rock keeps him from swinging over to the good side of the cage. Snow with a back elbow, though, to take him off the top rope. Snow turns around, nice look in his eyes - off the top rope, but Rock hits a kick. There's a DDT! Rock covers - we wait for referee "Blind" Chad Patten to get in - 1, 2, NO! Rock decides to climb the cage (but the DOOR!) - Snow over and crotching him. Snow with the chair - to the head! Cover - ref in, 1, 2, no. JUST GO OUT THE DOOR!!!!!! Snow to the corner, he's going to climb again (sigh) - now he's over...oh, but Rock's got the hair. Rock punching away, but Rock still holds onto the hair. Got him back inside the cage. This is like EVERY CAGE MATCH EVER. Rock takes Snow's head to the top of the cage - 1, 2, 3 - BACK SUPERPLEX!! Both men are down and out now - let's check the double feature. Yowza. Okay, THAT was a little different. Now both men stirring. Rock with "Iblockyourpunchyoudon'tblockmine," Snow rakes the eyes. Snow with about nine punches and a boot. Snow setting up the chair for an Arabian - but Rock clotheslines him in midair - Snow landing on the chair and crumpling it. Rock has the chair - but Snow hits him in the nuts. Right hand from Snow. Off the ropes, reversed, spinebuster on the chair. Now it's time for the most electrifying homina homina - Rock covers - ref in - 1, 2, 3! (6:17) Rock smells it.

In the women's locker room, Ivory displays the blueprint of a pool - suitable for filling with slop, gravy, or pudding! She says the women of the WWF are going to have to band together if they ever want to compete in a ring again - "come on! For the sake of the Women's division, we gotta do it now - it's getting serious!" Noticably absent in the crowd she's addresing, of course, is the Women's champion...

IVORY (with her scarf) walks to the ring. "Why does it seem like every time I come out here I have to talk about - THESE? Well this time I'm taking this stuff personally, because what Miss Kitty did at Armageddon - well, that's just a little too much. This, the WWF, is a sports entertainment show - not ADULT entertainment! And I have worked WAY too hard to establish a REAL women's division! I am the Class & Dignity champion! And all that Miss Kitty's doing to this title is wiping her smut all over it. *I* am the Women's WRESTLING Champion. Miss Kitty, you come out here...and let's wrestle! Come on! Anything goes, any stipulation you want, as long as it's in a wrestling ring and we're wrestling - come on, what have you got?" Here's ERNEST MILLER (out in a Christmas suit) accompanied by THAT SLUT CHYNA . The Kat seems reluctant to get in the ring, but Chyna urges her. "Let me get this straight. You want a match with me tonight, in this ring? Anything goes? How about 'no DQ.' How about 'no countout.' All right, fine, hotshot, you got it." Referee "Blind" Mike Chioda hits the ring, Kat removes her shoes, and now we've got...

ERNEST MILLER (with That Slut Chyna) v. IVORY for the Women's championship - Kat leaves the ring...and Chyna gets in. Ivory seems a little taken aback...then decides to go for it. She throws a right, but Chyna catches it. Taking her down with a clothesline. Here's a Pedigree. Now calling to Kat to come in. Kat mounts Ivory - 1, 2, 3. (1:31) Chyna and the Kat with a CHEST BUMP! Well, at least SOMEBODY here used their....brains?

Backstage, the Mean Street Posse comes across Kaientai. They tell them they have Jeff Hardy & Christian scouted and they'll tell them everything they need to know to get a victory tonight - just get some rice and their chopsticks, sit back and rerax....hey, I'm offended! Oh, wait...I'm not Japanese. I guess I'm not offended, then.

SmackDown! is brought to you by Western Union Money Transfer, 1-800-COLLECT and "Tomb Raider: the Last Revelation" from Eidos Interactive. You know, that Lara Croft...isn't real.

CHRISTIAN & JEFF HARDY (with Terri) v. KAIENTAI (with Mean Street Posse) - I'm gonna guess Matt's REALLY too injured to compete, what with Christian stepping in to take his place. Kaientai comes out to the Posse's music, blaaah. Christian and Taka start. Boot, slap, another one, arm wringer, whip is reversed, Taka up and over but not, since Christian's still behind him, suplex. Side Russian legsweep, off the ropes, Taka with a bodyscissors and rollup for 2. Off the ropes, another body scissors, but Christian takes him down instead for 2. Knife-edge chop. Off the ropes, Funaki grabs the hair, turning him around for a sneak attack. Funaki holds Christian, but not long enough as Taka ends up hitting his own partner when Christian breaks free of his grip and steps aside at the last minute. Christian with a springboard plancha onto Funaki. Taka kicks Chrstian - Asai moonsault (!) but again he hits his partner instead of his opponent. Christian holds Kaientai together on the floor - and Hardy flies with a somersault plancha to take them both out! Back in the ring we go, Christian scoop slam on Funaki. Tag to Hardy - top-rope guillotine legdrop! But only 2. Tag to Christian - in the corner, double whip out, Christian whips Hardy into Funaki, there's an all fours spin kick. Both men want to go for Funaki, leading to some disagreement. Taka comes in and slides Hardy out of the ring while Funaki hits a DDT on Christian. Off the ropes, drop toehold (or, if you're Cole, "leg sweep") by Taka. Rear chinlock by Funaki for a seated dropkick by Taka - that's the coolest. Christian manages to duck a lariat and hit a reverse DDT. There's the hot tag! Hardy in and cleaning house. Right hand here, right hand there, right hand here, double legdrop between the legs there. Scoop - and slamming Funaki in the corner - out on the apron, immediate springboard split-legged moosault to follow up... 1, 2, nope. All four men in the ring now - Hardy backdropped over the top rope to the floor. Hardy runs the barricade to take out Taka while Christian reverse into his Tomokaze - Hardy in with a senton bomb. 1, 2, 3. (4:12) You know, Kaientai had a nice little push going - but only on Heat and Jakked, and Billones doesn't find those shows Ladder-worthy. Yup. Ah well. Anyway, the Posse comes into the ring and berates Kaientai for losing (why were those guys even out here anyway?) As they turn to walk out, both Funaki and Michinoku throw dropkicks, then quickly run away. The Posse gives chase as Kaientai's music plays.

Jim Ross advises Mankind that he better be careful tonight - he's not sure, but he thinks something's up with Stephanie. Gosh, he's probably the only one, right? Wink wink

Kane...is...WALKING!

"WWF SmackDown!" ad features clips set to "Why Can't We Be Friends?"

WWF Slam Cam ad #2 - "Awesome!"

We see four cops standing outside the DX locker room...

Inside the locker room, Triple H tells Mr. Ass he shouldn't have any problems with Kane - he's too busy thinking about Tori...Dogg smiles, then as Ass leaves, turns his back and says a prayer...

THROUGH HELL FIRE AND BRIMSTONE IT'S KANE v. KING ASS - Ass slides in to start and they trade rights. Kane gets the better of that, and that's really it for his offense. Kane is (ahem) on fire. Out of the corner, Ass sidesteps the charge. Ass punching away, but Kane feeling nothing - and now firing away on his own. We look back at Triple H and Road Dogg cringing as Ass takes the punishment. We hear that X-Pac and Tori are off somewhere doin' somethin'. There's a bit boot. What, already? - chokeslam coming up - ground floor, everybody off. 1, 2, 3. (1:11) Post-match, Kane is *still* all over him. Going for a tombstone on the floor (!) but Kane shoves him into the post, then takes off through the crowd. In the locker room, Dogg and H decide to go out and help their mate, but the cops won't let Triple H leave the room. Back to the crowd, they're...I don't know! We look at them as they go behind the curtain - Dogg meets up with Kane, then gives up that Tori and X-Pac are at the airport after Kane shouts out "WHAAAAAAAARRRRRRRR." Kane stops beating on Ass (and doesn't beat on Dogg), opting instead to take off for the airport.

Let Us Take You Back to RAW Monday where the Dudley Boyz had no compunction about wrestling Mae Young & Fabulous Moolah - tonight Mark Henry takes some revenge!

SEXUAL CHOCKLIT MIZARK HENRY (with Mae Young & Fabulous Moolah) v. BUH-BUH RAY DUDLEY (with D-Von Dudley) - Henry reads a poem - look, I love you guys, but not enough to transcribe THIS. Now, as for Buh-Buh... "Hey - I'm beggin' ya - shut your mouth, you big idiot! I think I'm gonna throw up all over mah-self. Mark Henry, you're nothing but a big, dumb, Olympic failure, and you're a disgrace to this state! Mae Young, you're old, you're wrinkly, and you smell like a bedpan at an old folks' home! And as far as you people are concerned, I've never seen so many white trash inbred tobacco-chewin', pickup truck driving losers IN MY LIFE! And you know what else? Your football team sucks!" I think that was Dudley's first stutter-free promo! Right from Henry to start, right, right, right, whip is reveresed, D-Von pulls the leg, turning him around and distracting him long enough for the forearm from behind - wow! Belly-to-back suplex! Still on him. Right, right, open-handed slap, gunshot slap, Henry blocks and switches places with him. Looping rights, choke, Young holding the ankle. Into the opposite corner, Dudley puts up an elbow. Second rope clothesline - now holding the legs out - D-Von on top - Young and Moolah on the apron - shaking the top rope and crotching him! Now each women grabs a leg and pulls! Meanwhile, Henry grabs Buh Buh (who was trying to get the women off him by grabbing at their...wigs?), whips him into the corner, and on his way out, flapjacks him! Splash! 1, 2, 3! (1:59) Young and Moolah in the ring and kicking both men out to the floor. I hope some week Young and Henry get married on RAW!

Stephanie gives final instructions to the cops - then they go in, grab Triple H...and...WALK!

And now, Lugz presents the WWF Boot of the Week! From RAW on Monday, Mankind takes on Santa Claus...and Santa Claus...and Santa Claus...and Santa Claus...and Santa Claus...and Triple H!

STEPHANIE McMAHON-HELMSLEY leads FOUR COPS leading TREBLE H out to the ring, where the shark cage is waiting. It takes a bit of force, but he is eventually places in the cage - referee "Blind" Tim White chains it shut and shackles it up. It was kinda cool to hear Lawler talk about his nosebleed experience when HE was in the shark cage. Of course, he couldn't say it was during a Bret Hart/Isacc Yankem DDS match, 'cause neither of those characters are still around. (Read that carefully if you feel compelled to write and 'correct' me. Please.) JEFF HARDY, CHRISTIAN, EDGE and TEST are welcomed out. And now it's time for the main event of the evening!

1-800-COLLECT presents the WWF Rumble Royale 23 January at MSG!

WELL IT'S A BIG SHOW v. MANKIND for the WWF Championship - Stephanie joins the commentary team and is generally annoying, so let's not talk about it. Screw tradition, let's bring the champ out first! Before this match begins, it'd be a good idea to raise that cage so that it isn't in the way of the participants. "Fifteen feet up" we go! Hardy, Christian, Edge, and Test are sent up to the stage to watch the match. Mankind powered off. Lockup again, Mankind pushed away again. A third try...Mankind on him with punches. Off the ropes, but Big Show knocks him down. Headbutt. Kicking away. Up - and down with a sidewalk slam. 1, 2, no. Kick, kick, off the ropes, duck, Mankind steps on his foot, pokes his eyes, headbutts him, right hand, right, right, he still won't go down. Off the ropes, forearm takes Big Show outside the ring. Mankind goes out as well - there's a knee. Right hand. Show catches the next attempt and puts Mankind's back in the ringpost. Big Show grabs a chair and WHACKS Mankind with it. I guess this is 'no DQ,' eh? Mankind put back in the ring, Big Show back in (over the top rope, of course). Headbutt. Off the ropes, well it's a big elbow. Belly-to-belly - no, it's a bearhug. Mankind bites the nose to break the hold, Big Show now hits the belly-to-belly. Mankind rolls outside to catch a breather. Show is outside as well - he's got the STEEL steps. Mankind grabs a chair and whacks the steps with it, Show drops 'em. WHACK! WHACK! The chair is wrapped around Show's head. Mankind puts him back in and puts on a sleeper while the crowd chants "Sock O." Arm falls once, arm falls twice, arm does not fall thrice. Show picking up Mankind on his back - and falling backwards on him. Show making the sign - but Mankind kicks him in the jimmy, then hits the doublearm DDT! 1, 2, NO! Mankind reaching into his tights and pulling out Socko - mandible claw! Show goes out over the top rope to the floor, taking Mankind with him. And now the cage is being lowered...? The invitees approach the ring...only to be jumped by about A HALF DOZEN HEELS. Stephanie, meanwhile, has entered the ring as Triple H unlocks the cage (how'd he get a key?). He's out - and using Stephanie as a shield to keep Mankind away. Stephanie then knees Mankind in the jimmy - or did Triple H throw her into him? Triple H takes out White with the chain, then waffles Mankind. Here come the OUTLAWS to put the boots and fists to the Big Show. Gunn holding Mankind for a chained fist to Mankind from Triple H. Mankind run into the shark cage head first. Triple H advances on Stephanie...who breaks into a smile and embraces him. Well, shut my mouth, she was foolin' all along. Gee, and none of us EVER suspected THAT. Triple H gets THE STICK: "In this joyous holiday season, we've only got two words for ya - Merry Christmas." Everybody yuks it up, credits appear, and we're out.

Thanks to UPN 31, Sacramento's KMAX for joining midnight's airing of "News Radio" in progress - instead of pre-empting ten minutes out of THIS show!

There's a Reason for the season, yo. If you don't know, you better axe somebody. If you can't be with the ones you love, then send 'em an email or ring 'em up - and let them know. Take it easy folks - we'll be back atcha Monday!