|Guest columnist: Joshua Slade|
Hey you. Yeah, you. Have you ever tried Super Astros before? Why not? Just
shut up and do it- your coolness IS on trial here.
Before we get started and I make my LENGTHY introduction, you might wanna check where exactly you are. Yes, this is the WWF Super Astros recap. Don't get nervous, you probably just clicked the wrong link.
STUFF YOU NEED TO KNOW: Hello CLEVELAND! My name is Joshua Slade and I'm an alcoholic. Move over Shotgun Columnist Brandon Talbot! There's a NEW low man on THIS Guest Recapper Totem Pole! Like everyone else on [slash] wrestling, you've never heard of me before. The only "significant" thing I've EVER done on This Here Net was "breaking" the "story" of Tony Schiavonne saying "What the fuck's going on here?!?!?" on Nitro a few months back. Had RealAudio (tm) too.
Huh? What's that? Why, OF COURSE I work on another site. Who doesn't? There's a big fat juicy plug at the end of the report.
ACTUAL IMPORTANT STUFF: You know, there are a total of (count 'em) 3 people on EARTH who watch Super Astros- myself, CRZ, and Joe De Leon. This means many things, most importantly that no one at all will read this. There IS an upside to that- I can suck and NOBODY will ever know!
If you read the Ross Report this week on WWF.com, you know two important news items that have to do with the show. First, the WWF is dropping Savio Vega's contract because they're racist. Second, there are going to be some "major changes" to the Astros roster, "with Papi Chulo, Sho Funaki, TAKA Michinoku, and Miguel Perez staying with the WWF."
Awwwww, FUCK. From the way JR put that, it sounds like those are the only 4 they plan on keeping. I hope I'm reading too much into that, because I would DIE without Jesus on the show every week. Armando Fernandez isn't bad, but most of the guys they're (apparently) dropping don't deserve to be on television anyway. I wonder if they're killing the minis (I could be so lucky.)
Are you already complaining about the length of this report? I only have a half hour's worth of show to work with! LONGER IS BETTER!
ON TO THE SHOW!
World Wrestling Federacion Numero Uno Attitude (is the extent of my Espanol)
Opening sequence shows all of your favorites that will be fired by SummerSlam. Austin, Taker, and The Rock are the only mainstreamers in the credits, if you care. (And you don't.)
We are TAPED several hundred weeks ago. Our host is Marcelo Nolastname and MAN is his shirt TIGHT. Eww. He gives away all three matches on today's show, which doesn't seem fair for anyone looking to be surprised. Because I love you all so much, I won't spoil it for you. Needless to say, it looks like 2 1/2 of the three matches will SUCK. Marcelo talks at length about last week's EPIC battle between El Merenguero and Miguel "Wookie" Perez. This is SO exciting, they have to
Let Us Take You Back To Last Week When Savio Still Had A Job And Didn't Have To Drive Ted DiBiase's Limo For A Living. With the ref down and Jesus The Merengue Dancer looking to cheat, Savio enters stage left, grabs the rhythm cylinder from Castillo, and waffles him with it. Perez covers and Savio counts the three because he's BIASED.
Back to Marcelo for a split second before...
Max Mini vs. El Torito 3Ds(no entrance)
CRZ *must* like Max Mini, since he wears a golden cape to the ring. Our announcers at ringside are Bart's Evil Twin Hugo Savinovich and Carlos Cabrera. Torito gets the jobbers entrance, which tells you what kind of chance he has in this match. Our little bull-ish friend starts off by charging (ha) at Max in the corner, but meets only turnbuckle. Max charges in to follow and is greeted with a size 5 (Boys) boot. Odd spot here where Dr. Max's midget seemingly goes for a headscissors, but flips off. Everything just stops for 5 seconds and Max does a little dance that makes the women here in Cleveland puke. (Two Cleveland jokes in one report, and I've never even BEEN there.) That was.... different. After the dance, Mini Max hits the ropes and nails a nice rana which takes Torito to the outside. NICE plancha. Crowd is popping (legit, for once) like crazy for this and somewhere far away, the heat machine gets a bathroom break. Max hits the second ropes for an Austin pose and gets a great reaction. Torito spoils the celebration with a double ax handle from behind. Gorilla press and he CHUCKS Max onto the top turnbuckle abdomen first. Flying headbutt takes the lil' one down to the floor. Another military press and Max is dropped throat first onto the unforgiving steps of steel. That looked cool. Whip into the steps is reversed and Torito gives them a nice shoulder tackle. Torito back in the ring and sidesteps a cross body attempt. Boot to the skull. To the corner, Max hops up and the bull hits the top turnbuckle mask-first. Arm wrapped around Torito's throat, and Max comes down with a STUNNER! No pop for that, surprisingly. Overdubbed commentary comes into play as Hugo screams loudly, yet he sits calmly in the background while Carlos is visably talking with his hands. Painfully over-choreographed spot where they lock hands and Max flips around FOREVER before hitting a Mexican armdrag. To the outside, Max with a double jump Asai moonsault. Both men down. Back in, Torito with a kick to the gut and ANOTHER press slam. Senton but no cover. Up to the second turrnbuckle so Max can recover and do a spot. Yep, there's the rana into an armdrag. Not bad, not bad, it just took FOREVER. Max up top for a Money Shot. Backslide variant gets 3. (4:29) Nice pop for Max and the finish. Not a great match, but lightyears ahead of the usual mini crap. **
Let us venture back to the locker room area WHERE EVERYTHING HAPPENS to get a word or two from Maria Felipe's Breasts, joined by Papi Chulo, who looks SO much like Shawn Michaels right now, it's not even funny. Papi is preening in front of a mirror, because he's CONCEITED and you're not smart enough to realize that until they BEAT YOU OVER THE HEAD WITH IT. Mr. Chulo discusses just how handsome he is (I assume) as he rubs himself in private areas.
You want a thorough recap, right? To one up CRZ (ha, I'm fired already) I'll be covering everything, even the commercials! You just can't get extensive recapping like this anywhere else! Besides, it's only a half hour, so even the cynical bored smark in you can struggle through this. OR NOT.
Paying the bills this week are MLS soccer (Slogan: All the monotony of hockey, with less violence) as the Revolution takes on DC United (with that cool Ole song in the background) HOY at 1pm EST, which means you've already missed it. Sorry. A semi-hot hispanic model discusses Miller Lite with ERIK ESTRADA! She then flirts with him, cause he's PONCH. (I get the feeling I've seen these before...) Yep, here's the really weird high concept spot for Pennzoil. Noticero Univision has voting news and some guy yelling at a crying woman in a chair (wtf?) because they apparently felt the need to recreate some domestic violence so you'll UNDERSTAND what it is. Hey, maybe it's about Konnan! Ad for the 13th Pan American Games with coverage Easta Noche at 10pm Eastern. And judging from the final spot, Quiero Ser Estrella translates to Bad Kiddy Porn.
Backstage again we ago, with Maria interviewing Arrrrrr Matey Apollo Dantes and El Merenguero w/ rhythm cylinder. Dantes talks junk about Miguel Perez and takes off his sunglasses so you KNOW he's intense. Jesus seems perfectly calm until maria sticks the microphone in his face, and now he's all up on the Miguel/Savio in cahoots tip. (If you listen carefully, you can hear a man in a cowboy hat shout COLLUSION! CONSPIRACY! while tending to his barbeque.) Thank God that's over.
The HeartBreak Kid Papi Chulo vs. El Pantera w/ cowboys from hell (no entrance)
Papi has WAY too much fun taking off his sparkly chaparajos 'cause he's a PERV. This jobber entrance stuff may cut down things to make sure it all fits in a half hour, but it totally gives away who's gonna win. Chulo ducks a clothesline and hits a jumping back kick.Punch, slam, completely unnecessary backflip to drop an elbow. Me thinks somebody's showing off. Punch, fireman's carry slam over the head. Papi to the top turnbuckle but Pantera recovers in time to nail the split. Both men standing on the top turnbuckle, and Pantera NAILS a rana which send Papi flying halfway across the ring to get a nice pop and a 2 count. Dropkick by Panty sends Papi to the outside, and here's the patented tope suicida into a diving headbutt. That still looks DAMN impressive each time I see it. Crowd is semi-awake again and giving props. Hugo is having a heartattack cheering on Papi. Pantera rolls him back in and ducks a clothseline. There's a headbutt to the gut and Pantera VERY SLOWLY goes up top. Papi runs up the ropes and armdrags him for 1 and a half, even though the terrible ref tried queezing 2 and 3/4 out of it. Papi back in control. Kick to the gut. Powerbomb attempt countered but Papi nails the clothesline. Standard legdrop gets a pop from the heat machine. 2 count. Punches against the rope, irish whip reversed as Papi does a cartwheel into the ropes, hits a backflip, ducks a clothesline, nails another back kick and still has time to make breakfast. Backed into the corner, double hand chops (Whoo!) on Pantera. Whip reversed again, Rob Van Chulo hops over the rope to taunt the fans from the apron. Pantera does the same behind him and heads up top for a headscissor with a flip over the head. Nice. Running on the apron, Pantera dives through the second ropes in the corner and connects. Crowd solidly behind El Pantera. Papi rolled back in, clothesline misses and Pantera with a flying jalepeno. Attempted rana countered into a slingshot off the ropes merged with a Liger bomb! NICE! Papi up top, Shooting Star Press looks SWANK and gets 3. (3:56) Great match for just under 4 minutes. Wouldda been even better without Papi trying so hard to show off. ***
After the break, our "main event". But first....
Republica Deportiva from the sports bar, SQUIRT! ad has SURGEitude written all over it, Lente Loco and Bienvenidos are both WACKY, FUN, and have scantily clad women with HUGE FAKE ANGRY BREASTS. The nightly news has some pop singer doing... something, and... we're back.
Marcelo and his piss-colored glasses join us in the tape editing studio to plug Fully Loaded because even the Mexican fans can't escape the black death that is the WWF hype machine. The background for the Fully Loaded graphic has been changed from an extreme closeup of Mankind to a train track (?) or something. TONIGHT, Steve Austin faces the Undertaker AGAIN, Triple H faces The Rock AGAIN, and they don't show ANY of the undercard matches because they're actually somewhat INTERESTING. (Edge already won the IC title! Yay! Too bad it'll be gone before nightfall.)
After that, we turn to Miguel Perez to have an interesting word or two regarding the ever rising costs of Medicare. Or he's talking shit about El Merenguero. I forget. Savio chimes in with a word or two.
Smooth Wookie Miguel Perez vs. Apollo Dantes (no entrance)
Well, this will surely kill any momentum they've built from the first two matches. Perez enters to Theme From Los Boriquas. Dantes starts with two punches and rams Wookie's head into the turnbuckle.
7 SECONDS IN AND THEY TAKE AN AD BREAK?
Honestly, with this match, it can only help.
Commercials feature yet another spot for the Pan-Am Games, the Toyota Tundra V8, Deep Blue Sea ad in English(!), PSA for reading to your children, El Super Bla Blazo with some hot twins and a FRICKIN (tm CRZ- I'm just as cool as Scaia) puppet, and the millionth special edition of Cristina.
Dantes stays in control with a straddle on the ropes. Whiplash spot with Miguel's throat on the top rope is impossibly flubbed. The less I say about this match, the better. Chop, irish whip, clothesline ducked and Miguel hits a cross body (called a plancha by Carlos) for 2. Hmm... I don't know what Apollo is wearing today, but he sure looks like a fruit. More specifically, a pineapple. Clothesline takes Perez down. Dantes up top but eats a boot on the landing. Chop, into the ropes, back bodydrop. Punch, punch, turnbuckle shot, whip to the corner. Miguel follows with a clothesline. There's another. Chops in the corner and now the ref is all tied up by... nothing. Here's Merenguero and he passes the as yet unnamed rhythm cylinder to Dantes. Wait! HERE COMES SAVIO! (to a resounding pop from the heat machine) Jesus meets the apron face first and Savio is in. Tube swiped and he levels Apollo with it. Savio's outta here and there's the 3 count. (4:44....2/3rds of 6:66) I'll give this 1/2* simply because they kept it under 5 minutes. Blah.
That be all, there ain't no mo'.
13:09 of wrestling. You WISH Raw's in-ring could fill half the show.
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