|Guest columnist: Usenet's mdb|
First, I'd like to take back all the mean things I've ever said about Bill Gates and Windows. With some built in tools and autosave features I was able to recover this report from a crash. I'd really hate having lost this report, if for no other reason than I spent time writing it that I could have spent on doing something worthwhile. But I was able to get it back and I feel good now. I take back all the cruel and nasty things I've ever said about Gates and Windows. On with the report!
Well, it's the first and last Thursday Thunder! of the New Millineium. Next week sees the debut of WCW Wednesday Wednder! TNN should give ECW a show on Tuesday. We'd then have an unprecidented televised wrestling 7 days a week.
Quick note about the difference between WCW and the WWF. Mankind intros a sock puppet as a throwaway gag in a skit about him visiting McMahon in the hospital. The next night a few fans have socks on their hands at a house show so the WWF runs with Mr. Socko and the rest is history. WCW has crowds of thousands chanting "We want Flair" and they still don't get it. Hey Russo, if Flair doesn't want to comeback just to job away the position over to Nash, change the story. I know you're dying to do a Nash/McRusso Era angle (sans wedding (I hope!)) but c'mon Russo. We want Flair!
I GET LETTERS! Well, A LETTER!, actually. That is, an email. Or rather an email about my Thunder! report from two weeks ago. I get lots of other emails all the time. And letters too, though the letters are mostly bills. Anyway, two weeks ago I wrote:
"KIENTAI~! on Smackdown! Thunder! and Russo can kiss my ass, Kientai vs. Christian/Jeff Hardy is on."Geoff Smith wrote in a letter, er, email, "If you gotta talk about the WWF in your Thunder report..."
"Then at least spell KAI EN TAI right. In Japanese, kai and ki are totally different words that sound very different.
That's what I think about that."
Mea culpa. What happened was this: I took a glance at KAI EN TAI~!'s shirts and saw "Kientai" and figured it was a WWF copyrightable version of the KAI EN TAI name. A closer look reveals that the A is on the shirt, it's just blended into the big capital K. Anyway, I shouldn't have made the mistake and I promise I will never, eeeeeh-eh-ehver misspell KAI EN TAI again. And for the record, I'd be happy to not talk about the WWf at all in my Thunder! report if only WCW would put on a show that keeps my attention. Time was I never had a single good thing to say about the WWF, but when Triple Aytch and his triple knee offense is outworkrating anyone on the WCW show, there's a problem.
My first report letter, uh, email. Feels good. What a way to start the new milleinum. And all this time I thought my Thunder! report was getting negative hit counts on the slash! website. And it's only going to get better! Cuz Thunder! is special again!
Hey, I saw where Dusty Rhodes is going to open a wrestling fantasy camp where we can learn to write TV scripts for wrestling. I'm going to get practicing right now (what do you mean you want to get to the Thunder! report? What are you, nuts?):
INT. Comissioner's Office
Terry Funk sits behind his comissioner's desk looking middle aged and crazy. Norman Smiley ENTERS.
(nervous) Mister... Mr. Funk? You wanted to see me?
Yeah. Come on in, son. I understand you're WCW's hardcore champ, Norman.
Funk doesn't like being corrected.
You know, I have something of a reputation as a hardcore wrestler.
I've seen some of your matches. It seems to me you do more dancing than fighting.
(big smile) Yes, sir.
Smiley does his jiggy dance and and starts up the big wiggle. Funk stands up.
Whoa! Whoa there, son! Hold on there.
Smiley stops his dance, mid-wiggle.
Look here, Norman.
Listen, Nor-MAaaan. You want to be hardcore champ, you're going to have to be a hardcore wrestler.
Funk walks from around the desk. Smiley starts to back away.
You're going to have to take off that ridiculous football gear. You're going to have to save that dancing crap for a dance hall. When you get in that ring to defend the hardcore title, you've got to be hardcore! For 35 years I've wrestled hardcore. I've bleed, I've broken bones, it ain't no joke, son. If you're going to wear that belt, you're going to defend it like a man! You got me? If you're going to be the hardcore champ, you're going to have to wrestle hardcore, Norman.
Funk snaps. He slams Smiley's head into the desk, then into the walls of the office. He strips off Smiley's football gear and slams a chair into Smiley's back. Smiley cries and whimpers as Funk mutters about 'You want to be hardcore, Nor-maaan? This is hardcore,' etc.
Then next week Smiley sues WCW for being an unsafe working environment. Tygress can play his attorney, Ms. Screwem. (Chae and Fyre can be the partners Dewey and Howe. Think of the Ally McBeal ripoffs possible!)
Am I ready to work in the sports entertainment field or what? Ok, enough of that, on with the show!
Thunder! opens with recaps of the Commissioner debacle from Nitro. Go read CRZ's Nitro recap and relive the excitement.
Outside, the nWo drag along a beat-up Arn to the arena. We are TAPED in Florence, SC! First match: Medusa (w/Spice) vs. Asya (w/o The Revolution) in a cruiserweight title match. I don't care if Medusa has Spice with her, I refuse to comment further on this match in protest to the treatment of the cruiser title. Oklahoma (w/ bottle of magic BBQ sauce elixir) comes out to protest a woman holding a WCW title. The Revolution comes out to continue the Saturn/Asya storyline. Medusa confronts Oklahoma in a fake shoot saying 'You and your partners, the Powers that Be, can kiss my royal ass.' Filthy Animals out just so we can hear Konnan's catchy theme song. Off-camera Medusa gets the BBQ sauce bottle shattered on her head by OK so maybe that'll cure her bad hair days.
Juvy comes out to take his rightful place in the broadcast team but finds Tony Jabronie Schiavone in his seat next to Scott Hudson and Mike Tenay. Juvy rips off a few of the Rock's catchphrases and tells Tony to scram. Tony replies: 'The hell with you.' Psicosis strongarms Tony and finally the Juice has returned to the broadcast team of Thunder. But out comes Funk. He beats up Psicosis and Juvy. Powerbomb by Funk of Psicosis through the broadcast table! Crowd chants "Terry" and Funk makes his way into the ring: 'nWo, we can do this the easy way or the hard way. The easy way is you bring Arn Anderson out here now. The hard way is I go in the back and get him.' Out to answer Terry is Slapnutz Jarrett. Jarrett says some stuff, Funk replies 'if you lay one hand on Arn...' Little late for that, isn't it Mr. Funk? Jarrett advises Funk: "Don't piss me off" and exits stage right.
Gene Mean interviews Shane Douglas who comparies the Filthy Animals to cockroaches and makes a challenge for Souled Out, a six man tag with the Revolution having a mystery partner. Saturn: 'You'll have to be like a midget at a urinal, on your toes.' Malenko: 'We haven't forgotten Duggan. You will denounce the US.'
Juvy enters as the Revolution exit, wanting to take Gene's interview gig. Gene-O turns over the mic to the Juice.
Somewhere in the back the nWo torture Arn.
Clips of the Harlem Heat's recent dissent lead to Gene (hey, I thought he turned over the interviewing gig to Juvy. What a schemer that Okerlund!) interviewing Booker T. Booker wants Stevie and Mydnyte to work things out between them. Booker: 'I want my brother back, brother back, brother back, I want my brother back, brother back, brother back.' Stevie comes to the ring: 'I want a match against Mydnyte to prove she ain't ready.' Booker: 'If you beat Mydnyte you get what you want, if she beats you then we are a three person team. Can you dig it.' Stevie: 'I can dig it, but it ain't never gonna happen.'
Backstage, David and Daffney are - STALKING!
Clip of Arn getting beat up some more. Cut to David and Daffney acting crazy.
Second match: Archie and Jughead of PG-13 & Chavo (w/Amway briefcase) vs. Three Count (w/magic green circles) in a six man tag. As this match goes on the announcers announce that Medusa has challenged Oklahoma to a match at Souled Out. There's no reason to not assume the cruiser title is on the line. 3 count gets the win when one of them pins Chavo. I really can't bother to check the tape for how or why.
Backstage Terry Funk searches for Arn. He beats up security because they don't know where Arn and the nWo are and he's real tough.
Third match: The Wall (w/ new music) vs. Jerry Flynn. Recap of the Tank v. Flynn feud preceedes the match. Punches by The Wall to start. Out comes Tank Abbott to the announcer's table. Kicks by Flynn takes The Wall out of the ring. Into the STEEL saftey rail. Back in the ring, more kicks by Flynn. Reversal by the Wall followed by a clothesline in the corner and a body slam. Up to the middle rope. Legdrop misses! Whip into the ropes for a discus chop by Flynn. Rapidfire kicks, spin kick. Flynn gets a bit too close to Tank Abbott outside the ring. Tank calls him Huckleberry and when Flynn turns his back, Tank closes in and sucker punches him. Flynn is rolled into the ring and the Wall gets the 1, 2, 3. Tank into the ring to beat on Flynn and the Wall. Doug Dillinger and security are out and Tank knocks Doug out cold again. Expect a No Holds Barred match at Uncensored between Tank and Dillinger.
Terry Funk runs into David Flair in the back.
Fourth match: Slapnutz Jarrett (with USbelt and wheelbarrow full of plunder) vs. Smiley (in South Carolina football gear w/ a bin full of plunder) in a US title bunkhouse brawl. Norman with a droptoe hold into a garbage can followed by some more shots with a garbage can and a Big Wiggle tease. Jarett has a brief comeback but Norman clocks Jarrett with a cowbell. After a moment of tepidation he goes for the pin and gets a 2 count before Jeff gets a foot on the rope. Norman thinks he's won and poses to the crowd, only to be flattened by Jeff with a guitar. The stroke leads to the pin by Jeff. Out comes Funk. Funk and Jarrett argue eye to eye as David Flair sneaks up behind Jeff. David chokes out Jeff with the golden crowbar as Funk handcuffs Jarrett. Funk: 'You've got two minutes to save Jeff, nWo.'Back from the commercial, Funk's whacking Jeff with a trashcan lid as David continues to choke out Slappy. nWo comes out with Arn. Steiner pokes Arn with the bat. Funk says, 'Keep your hands off him.' Funk, he hit him with a bat, not his hands. Nash makes the challenge for Souled Out, Funk wins and the nWo disbands, Nash wins and he becomes commissioner of WCW. Funk says the match will be hardcore rules, the nWo will be barred from ringside, and Bret vs. Terry Funk at Thunder tonight. Funk says the match against Bret won't be for the title, 'this old fart doesn't want to be WCW world champ, I'll leave that to the big fart Sid Vicious at Souled Out.' The nWo accepts all conditions and trades Arn for Jeff. Arn staggers away from the nWo, lays into Jeff who was making his way past him back to the nWo, leading to Steiner getting in another bat shot on AA. The nWo beating on Arn has resulted in Arn's shirt being ripped off and his pants being torn. He looks like he just reverted back from being the Hulk. The green Hulk that is, not the orange one.
Tony Marinera tells Disco he needs to go get protection money from a convinence store clerk. Disco trades his Rolex to the clerk to get the money. Disco gives the money to the goons and says he had to rough the guy up a bit to get the money. The goons like the news and the mob drive off one big happy family.
Terry and David attend to Arn in the back. Stevie Ray comes into the scene for some reason. Fifth match: Stevie Ray vs. One A.M. Mydnyte has the early advantage with a kick and dropkick. Stevie takes control with a clothesline, some punches, another clothesline. The announcers actually provide a bit of useful info, Stevie had Terry ban Booker from ringside for this match. Stevie with an elbow drop and a pin. But he pulls her up at the two count for more punishment. Yeah, let's make Stevie Ray's matches as long as possible. Another two count and Stevie picks her up again. Chinlock, Mydnyte attempts a comeback but Stevie clubs her down, side slam, out comes the blackjack, out comes Booker T. So much for the ringside ban. Stevie hands over the blackjack to Booker. Stevie powerslams Mydnyte. Mydnyte plays dead. Stevie tries to get her up but she rolls him up for the three count. We have a new Triple Threat! Stevie accepts the stipulation and hugs Mydnyte and Booker who are celebrating the upset of the year. Slapjacks on Booker and Mydnyte.
Gene interviews the Filthy Animals. Konnan speaks on this. Juvy shows up with a pretty blonde who tells Gene: 'I think you're so sexy.' Gene whimpers like a baby and exits stage left with the blonde. Juvy takes over the interview: 'What's up Filty.' Kidman: 'First of all, it's Filthy not Filty.' Juvy: 'It doesn't matter.' Funk prays in the locker room. Cut to Gene in the ring. He tells the blonde and the world, 'Wait for me to do a little business here and then we can go to the hotel and take care of our business.' I'm impressed, Russo managed to link a scene from before the commercial to one after the commercial. He's a genius! Gene interviews DDP about the Buff/Kimberly thing. Page tries to get Buff to come out to the ring: 'The girls love him and so do the guys. I've seen him in the shower and Buff's stuff ain't big enough.' Out comes Buff who's a house o' fire. They brawl out into the corwd. Hey, Kyintigh are on Smackdown vs. the Posse!
Yes, that's very wrong of me. To atone, I'll go buy a Best of K*DX tape and watch it twenty times. You should do the same!
Vingette of the Wrestler Currently Known as The Artist Formerly Known as Prince Iaukea.
On his way out, Gene tries to impress the blonde. Cut to Juvy trying to interview Bam Bam. Bigelow don't want to talk to Juvy so Shampoo Kanyon knocks him out with a champagne bottle.
Sixth match: Nash vs. Bigelow. Workrate fans everywhere were dying to see this match, but Bigelow is barely conscious and unable to compete. (The same could be said of Nash these days.)
Sixth match: Konnan and Kidman (w/ Rey) vs. The Badlanders David Flair (w/ Daffney and crowbar and belt on backwards) and Crowbar (w/lead pipe) in a World tag title match. I guess Russo's going back to an older source for this David/Daffney thing. How long before he goes back even further and has David and Daffney robbing banks and having shoot outs with cops? You know, Storm vs. Kidman could have been a good match preRusso. Match highlights include David hitting a suplex on Kidman, Storm hitting a missle dropkick and flip over the top rope gullitonie legdrop. Crowbar foolishly tries to powerbomb Kidman. Well, how could he know better, he was working at a gas station just two weeks ago. Of course, he was wrestling on WCWSN the weeks before that so maybe he should know better. Finish has Arn Anderson knocking out Konnan with the gold crowbar to allow the Badlanders to keep the titles. Revolution is out to attack the Filthy Animals but the Animals get the better of it thanks to a crutch and a lead pipe.
Main event: Bret Hart (w/ world title belt and baseball bat) vs. Terry Funk in a nontitle Hardcore rules grudge match. I'm disappointed Bret isn't leading the nWo Pink and Black. 'Middle-aged and crazy' seems to be Funk's nickname. Mild 'Terry' chant from the crowd. Lockup. Bret punches Funk out of the ring. Funk throws some chairs into the ring. Bret slams Funk face first into a chair twice. Bret hits him with a bat. Outside the ring Bret with punches and a toss into the saftey rail. Bret spears Funk with the chair and then a standard chairshot. Back in the ring Funk gets a few punches in. Funk takes control of the fight outside the ring, dumping Bret into the bin of plunder. Funk with trashcan shots on the world champ, then pushes the bin with Bret in it into the ringside. Funk misses a moonsault and takes a chairshot. Bret to Pillmanize Funk's knee and hits the forearm off the middle turnbuckle on the knee. Bret takes out the ref, cut to a shot of Arn trying to put on a ref shirt. Arn's in alot of pain though. David Flair takes the ref shirt from Arn, puts it on, and locks Arn in the room (to protect him from the nWo the announcers claim.) The nWo is out in force to punk Funk. David is quickly taken out by the nWo. Crowbar doesn't make a difference. Nash powerbombs Funk through part of the Thunder stage and it's over.
See you next Wednesday!