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/19 January 2000

WCW Thunder by mdb




I'm in a bad mood and nothing on THUNDER!'s going to change that. CRZ's car bill was 50 bucks, mine's 1500. As a result I ended up in a situation where I was out of my element and forced to do a third-rate report to be put up real quick that I could come back to and at least dress-up into a second-rate report Then I accidentily deleted the report but unlike last week there's no getting this one back. If I had a lick of sense I'd just call in sick this week. But because I'm an idiot and a dedicated idiot, here goes a fourth rate report that maybe I'll dressed up to a third rate report. Here goes:

Tonight on a very special THUNDER! ... Well you know, they always say these THUNDER!s will be special but really they almost never are. The only two special THUNDER!s I can think of in the whole history of THUNDER! is the one with Match 7 of Booker v. Benoit and the one where Juvy won the cruiser title the first time. Anyone remember any others? (Lenny defeating Rey? - CRZ) Anyway, this THUNDER! will be the specialest special THUNDER! special that evre was special. Maybe. Probably not.

Match One: David Flair (w/ gold crowbar and Daffy Daphne w/tag title belt) & Crowbar (w/metal bar and tag title belt) vs. The Mamalukes Big Vito & Johhny the Bull (w/Disco Inferno) in a world tag title match. Mamaluke I take it is something like 'idiot' or 'moron.' Do some web research if you really care. (Or email me if you know. Getting feedback makes me feel like I'm investing my time wisely!) Johhny has a few eye-catching moves. Crowbar thankfully wrestles most of the math for the champs, though in the Crowbar gimmick he continually breaks the flow of the match by grinnin' like a fool after every big move. Finish sees a real lame spot where Flair accidentily hits Crowbar with a crowbar leading to the pin. New tag champs. Well, isn't that special?

Match Two: Hacksaw Jim Duggan vs. Curt Hennig in a I May Not be Perfect but at Least I'm not a Janitor match. Duggan talks big about not renouncing the USA now that Shane's not around. Poor Hennig. He may be a shadow of his former self but this is getting really ugly. Match ends with a bunch of ref bumps and a no contest.

'Screaming' Norman Smiley beat up 3-Count. I currently have nothing bad to say about the non-Evan part of 3-Count after the performance on Nitro. I'm guessing that will be the best match we'll see from that team for a few months at least, but they showed they've got potential. Smiley makes an open challenge. Out comes Tank Abbott. I think Tank would have had a great career 50 years ago as an evil Curly from a parallel dimension in Three Stooges films. Smiley backs away and screams a bit. Tank takes out Smiley with one punch. Say what you will about Ronnie Hands of Stone Garvin, he at least made those knockout punches look cool. Lesson for the day: Fake wrestling is better than real wrestling because real wrestling don't look good.

Match Three: Psicosis vs. Chavo (w/briefcase) vs. Lash Leroux in a three way fight. Kind of mediocre match but highlight of the night nonetheless. I'll try to do play-by-play later. Psic gets the win. The announcers talk about cruiser tourneys and Super J. Too late for that fellas. The dream is dead. You'll never put on the kind of show that could have been done one or two years ago. (Though watching Kaz and Chavo and Psic and Juvy go for the gold wouldn't be that bad a way to spend Wednesday nights.)

Match Four: Kidman (eventually w/ Torrie Wilson) vs. The Wrestler Currently Known as the Artist Formerly Known as Prince Iaukea (w/Pasley) Torrie just doesn't look right with Kidman. Billy looks too much kid and not enough man. Maybe get him a new ring outfit. It's funny to hear the announcers push the guy after they jobbed him to The Wall at the PPV. How dumb was it that no one in WCW could think to give Kidman a mic at the PPV to say 'You're not getting out of it that easy Malenko. Get your ass in here.' to cover the flub of Dean throwing the match at 2 minutes? Hmmm, I think that's the first time I've seen the words WCW and dumb in the same sentence... Kidman beats the Wrestler Still Known as a Jobber Iaukea without the can't-powerbomb-Kidman spot or the SSP. Decent match.

Terry Taylor makes the announcement that the World Title would be decided at Nitro. 'The man to represent WCW and carry us into the next millineium is Sid and not the guy he jobbed to at the PPV because Sullivan has Busch's kids hostage or an evil Satanic mindcontrol spell on him or something. Nash says the nWo gets to choose an opponent for the match. Nash says Sid has to beat Jarrett to get the right to wrestle for the title. The new new World order will never get over if their best catchphrase is going to be Jeff's "slapnuts."

Match Five: The Wall vs. Berlin in a battle of former partners. I'm not going to sit here and tear down the Wall (<-pun!) but he's really not that good. He wins the match. Do I care? Do you care? Does anyone care? Hey, when were Sid and the Wall friends?

Oklahoma comes out to give up the cruiser title. Maybe we'll be lucky and never see this guy again. Medusa comes out to embarrass herself some more. All of this leads to

Match Six: Madusa vs. Sherri Martel. Great, just what WCW needs. old women wrestlers. Medusa beats Sister Sherri. The less said about this the better.

Match Seven: Jerry Flynn vs.Fit Finlay. Steve Blackman is a poorman's Flynn for anyone who cares. Not that Flynn should be caught anywhere outside WCWSN. Match ends when Pvt. Knobs accidentally hits Sgt. Finlay with a kendo stick that the Sandman must have left behind in his hurry to escape the WCW Hindenburg. (Enough with this Titanic crap!)

Somewhere in all of this it's announced that if Jeff Jarrett beats Sid then Nash gets the world title. Nash winning the title by Jarrett winning a match? Smells like Big Poochie to me.

Match Eight: 2CK (w/Biggs and four no two starlets) vs. 2DP (w/ or w/o Kim) in a battle of former partners. Kanyon on the mic pre-match had a good line where he said something like the left armpit of America is Evansville, Indiana. What was fun about it was that the fans got caught in indecision on whether to boo the insult or cheer hearing the name of their town. Kim comes out to distract Kanyon, allowing Page to do a sneak attack. People cheering Page in the match. I suppose people love Page again? But does Kim? Page wins with a diamond cutter. I'm not doing the match justice here. It was actually pretty good for what it was.

Main Event: Big T & Booker T (w/Mydnyte T) vs. The Future of WCW Sid and The Total Package (w/Liz) This mismatch tagteam event provided courtesy of the Nash/McPoochie Era. Basic theme of the match was people not wanting to be tagged in. Luger tried to stay out of the ring. Ahmed tried his best to keep his gut sucked in. Nash came out to shake his head at wrestlers trying to get over by wrestling instead of doing lame jokes on the mic. Luger got the win by racking Booker who had been knocked out by Big T and his blackjack. Am I the only one who knows that Booker is better than all of this?

Enough of this. I'll be back with an update of this report later today/tomorrow.

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