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/26 January 2000

WCW Thunder by mdb




So what's the point of a five day old Thunder! report? I think the bad karma of the Reeves joke 2/3rds down struck back quick (Instant karma's gonna get ya!). Snowstorm, disconnected phone, dead power supply in my computer, dead engine in my car... It's not been a fun week for me. But I spent the time writing it and I'm not just going to delete it. Besides, even if it is the latest Thunder! report anywhere, it's still the...


Hey CRZ, I saw in your WXO report #2 that you are "writing wrestling recaps for peanuts." You get peanuts? Who's giving you peanuts? I want peanuts!

Speaking of Peanuts, God bless Charles Schultz. 9 days out of 10 his strip really isn't funny, but it's better than the 99 out of 100 average most other strips carry and Schultz always has an old school charm to his comics. I'm sure there's a great analogy of Charlie Brown and WCW, what with Lucy always pulling the football away, Nash always just hanging around like Joe Cool Snoopy, the baseball games they lose 100-0 and the ratings war that is only slightly closer these days, the adults in the Peanuts TV shows and the announcers for WCW. Feel free to pass along any connections you come up with. Hot pokers up the arse for any who suggest a connection between Schroeder and the Maestro.

Back to WXO, later in that report CRZ writes "1, 2, HE PULLS HIM UP!! That's *always* cool." I've got a hundred bucks and a hyperlink to a report I did of a Stevie Ray vs. Mydnyte match that says it's only 'almost always cool.'

And what does the X stand for? eXcitement! eXcellent wrestling! eXtrem-oh wait, probably not that one. Ok, so I don't know either. But it does seem kind of odd that they put the X there and their whole angle is that they are a PG-rated type of show. Suppose it'll even matter in a few weeks? Darn thing comes on 3:30 am Sunday morning in my area. It'll take awhile to get in the habit of programming my VCR to catch it, just like it did for me to establish an ECW habit.

Speaking of ECW (What, you're here for a THUNDER! Report?) I'm really digging the TNN show. Cynics can complain about anything they like, seeing Tajiri vs. Super Crazy this week was great. Russo's anti-Jap and Mexican wrestlers getting over in America thoughts aside, it was a great old school battle. There's just something magical about the small but rabid crowds that clicks with the matches. This on the heels of the Awesome vs. Tanaka matches, I'm glad ECW is on national cable.

Ok, I've put it off long enough, here goes THUNDER! A long time ****ago when people wore pajamas and times were slow

Caught somewhere in time (yesterday) at the MGM Grand Arena in Lost Wages.

Show starts with a recap of Sid vs. nWo. Clips are shown of nWo painting Sid's car, Poppa Pump's swerve on Sid, Bret's monster-car drive on Sid, Sid's title win on Monday. Sid, the man to lead WCW into the new millennium! Or at least until softball season!

Caged heat is hanging ominously above the ring, but why?

Gene Gene in the ring to interview new WCW heavyweight champ Sid. This should be fun. Gene claims Sid is now the undisputed champ of WCW. Anyone buy that? Didn't think so. Sid says some stuff that I'm just not good enough to be able to transcribe. Not like anyone cares I imagine. Stuff about the belt and WCW and the nWo. Out comes the gang of Nash, Hall, Slapnuts, Poppa Pump, Harrises, girls. Nash: 'As commissioner I have to do things that sicken me. (Like wrestle matches?) But I have to abide by the rules and regs. The stipulation of the roadblock match was that you had to beat a Harris Brothers.' Nash cues footage from Nitro. Seems it's not enough to just reverse a decision based on Sid illegally powerbombing the guy. Sid pinned the wrong Harris. The Brothers Harris explain this to the ref after Sid's left the ring. The ref then does a ten count on Sid and awards the match to the unpowerbombed Harris. (Give me a break.) So Sid lost the first match and therefore is stripped of the title which goes to (surprise!) Nash. Penzer takes the belt from Sid and hands it to the nWo ladies who come to collect it for Big Sexy. Nash goes on to say he'll give him another shot at the title (why?) 'A cage match against me, the champion. And the Harris brother that you did not beat. Powerbomb is illegal and you must pin Nash the Big Poochie, in order to win the belt. Have yourself a wonderful evening.' (7:48.31) Think Commish Nash will go crazy with power and end up in an insane asylum? Hall's got a room there as I recall.

Gene's in the back to interview the Maestro. Gene drops a bunch of big names like Wayne Newton, Striesand, Siegfried and Roy and David Cassidy. He goes on to say the Maestro is not part of the list of famous performers. Maestro: 'Are you trying to insult the Maestro's intelligence? This is the very town that the Maestro made famous? Wayne Newton? Gene, please! I taught him the Danke Schoen. You see, if you weren't so busy with those Itty-bitty want-to-be singers you'd know that the Maestro's performances will be sold out for many millenniums to come. (Great seats are still available for the Maestro's New Year's Eve 7000 concert, though!) Yes, the Maestro is the star of the show and his time has come and his legacy will not be denied no longer. Nobody, and I mean nobody!, disgraces the Maestro in his town Las Vegas. You are dismissed.' (Maestro then walks off) Symphony to Gene: 'How rude!' (52.65) Break.

I was really mad watching Nitro last Monday. They promised me the return of a WCWSN deity. They promised that Sid would be up against the almighty Roadblock and instead they brought out the Brothers Harris. HAIL ROADBLOCK~!

We're back with the nWo in the back talking about all the stuff they did last night with the pretty girls. Scott Hall says they were kicked out of the casino but he's arranged for the casino to be brought to them. Two slot machines are wheeled in.

Match One: Mr. Vegas The Maestro (w/Symphony, grand piano w/candelabra, bubbles, and conductor's stick) vs. Screamin' Norman Smiley (w/ a dozen showgirls) in a hardcore battle - Smiley's out in an all-white tux. It upsets Maestro that his entrance is being outdone. Smiley and the showgirls get in the ring and wiggle. Best I can tell, there were no ice cubes back stage. Maestro attacks from behind sending Smiley out of the ring. Smiley whacks him with a chair though. Maestro throws Smiley into a ladder propped up against the ring. Smiley exits stage left. Maestro follows. Van-Maestro-nator. A chairshot to Smiley's back. Smiley gets two overhead trashcan shots. Maestro tosses Smiley into some stuff backstage. Bodyslam through a table by Smiley. Another trashcan shot. Smiley leans against a sarchophogus. The sarchophogus opens. Well, there's the return of the Demon we've all been waiting for. He's been waiting backstage in Vegas all this time. Demon scares Smiley to death and Maestro makes the three count. (1:51.48) I wonder if the angle with Vampiro is on its way back?

Cut to nWo's casino. Nothing of importance here. Break.

Last week's 3000 year old riddle without answer dealt with special Thunders, as in, is there really any such thing? Benoit-Booker T's match 7 and Juvy's first cruiser title win were the only ones I could come up with and no one had any suggestions for others (Sorry, CRZ, the Thunder where Lane defeated Rey may have been special, but not in a good way. [Not that I'm dissing Lane, he was a welcome change over Mini-Konnan and wasn't given a fair shake. Like Benoit, he's an uncrowned champion. I wonder if he'll ever get a chance to wrestle again? (Speaking of wrestling again, I don't care so much about all the backstage politics and who's writing what and the ratings and all that, I want to see a good show, and Psic v. Kaz and Vamp v. Kidman last Monday was pretty sweet, sorta like the old days. If they could get a program at the top of the card to match, with Bret, Sting, Page, Jarrett, Benoit, Flair and Goldberg and not Nash and not Sid and not Hogan (unless he's there to job to Bret and Benoit) they'd be well on their way. [The catch is that all of the seven I name have strikes against them - age, bad booking, injuries, loss of the spark that captured the fan's imagination. It would require booking much better than WCW has shown over the last two years to make it work.])])

This weeks 3000 year old riddle without answer: Where's the Cap'n?

We're back with Liz and Luger talking in a stairway. Luger's doing bicep curls with those handles on elastic cord things. He's got a black chair with Sting style scorpions painted on it propped up for display. Luger's going to make examples of everyone in WCW starting with Sting's friend Buff.

Highlights from Psic vs. Kaz. How can you tell the old guard is back in charge of WCW? No brackets for the tourney.

Match Two: The Wrestler Currently Known as the Artist Formerly Known as Prince Iaukea (w/ Paisley) vs. Kid Romeo in a first round cruiser title tourney match - Prince attacks from behind to start the match. Stomps, elbow to back of the head. Into the ropes, Romeo ducks and hits a Thesz press followed by fist o' fire. Romeo bangs Ike's head against the canvass a few times. Romeo tosses Ike to the turnbuckle with Prince going out of the ring. Prince talks to Paisley outside. Romeo comes out to fight. Forearms to Prince's head countered by a poke to the eyes. Standards and Practices are out. Or is it Leni and Lodi again as they are in street clothes. Lodi hands Miss Hancock a magic marker. They walk off leaving Miss Hancock to herself (I guess they *are* er, brothers. Not that there's anything wrong with that.) Back in the ring Romeo has control. Four forearms to the head, whip to the ropes is reversed, Prince knocks down Romeo with a er, chest clothesline. Announcers go on about Miss Hancock who has made her way over to the broadcast table. Romeo hits a bulldog, leg lariat. Goes for a kick to the gut but Prince catches the foot. Spins him around and catches the foot again. Phantom enzuguri knocks down the Prince. Romeo up to the top rope. Missile dropkick. One, two, Paisley pulls Romeo's leg breaking the count. Romeo argues with the girl allowing Ike to sneak up and win the match after hitting the Paisley Park, an inverted suplex. (2:55.24) Why is Prince advancing and Kaz is out in the first round? Oh yeah, it's WCW. Jake***

Wayne Newton enters the nWo casino. He threatens to sing but Poppa Pump says they wanted Elvis.

Match Three: The Demon vs. Terry Funk (w/towel) in the Demon's WCW wrestling debut - How'd the Demon get a match scheduled this quick? Lockup. Punches by the Demon. Funk strikes back. Headbutts and Demon is down. Funk with JYD headbutt. Funk falling through the middle ropes as the headbutts took more out of him. Demon shoves him to the floor. Punches Funk outside the ring. Funk reverses Demon into the safety rail, then back in the ring for a reverse neckbreaker. Pin attempt gets two. Funk shoves the ref. Second breaker. Pin attempt gets two. Funk shoves the ref then takes a swing at Patrick who ducks. Guess he's looking for one of those infamous Patrick fast counts. Demon hits a low blow. Double-underhook suplex. Kick. Punch. Punch. Punch. Funk ducks the fourth and puts on the Kiwi (Oklahoma) Roll and gets the three count! (3:04.67) And the point of all this was...? Break.

Truth in advertising Dept. The ad for Superbrawl says: nWo2k is on a mission to ruin and destroy the very existence of WCW. Just about there! Can anyone stop the insanity? asks the ad man. Susan Powter for WCW booker?

Herb had a great line in his tidbits somewhere: "The crowd, god bless them, chanted 'Big Show sucks' late in the match." I bring it up for no other reason than I thought it was a cool line.

Match Four: Vampiro vs. Kidman (w/ Torrie Wilson) in a rematch from Nitro - Slaps to start. Headlock on Vamp, Vamp to the ropes, shoulder block knocks down Kidman. Gutwrench suplex followed by a crossarm breaker on Kidman. Belly to back suplex. Into the ropes reversed. Kidman backs Vamp to the corner and beats him down. Outside the ring, Kidman reverses Vamp into the safety rail. Kidman tosses him into a second rail. Kidman runs at Vamp to do something but gets lifted and dropped face first into the broadcast table. Vamp gets Kidman back into the ring as Torrie watches in concern. Spinning leg lariat by Vamp off the top rope. Two count. Whip to the ropes but Kidman comes back with a hurricarana into a two count. Sunset flip but Vamp drops for the pin attempt. Two. Vamp thrown into the corner, bounces out walking backward. Kidman comes off the near ropes for a running clothesline but Vamp ducks it. Slide-through attempt results in Kidman on Vamp's shoulders. Kidman punches and rolls through to a pinning combination, only two. Superkick by Vampiro! Two count. Vamp tries to powerbomb Kidman, he gets lucky and only gets caught with a kick to the stomach and a tornado bulldog. Going for the Shooting Star Press, Vamp crotches him. Nail in the Coffin from the top rope! One, two-hoo, three! (4:01.35) Vamp stands over Kidman. Torrie in the ring. She and Vamp exchange a look, they'd be a cute couple. Torrie cries over Kidman as though he were dead.

In the back, Lex (w/ chair w/scorpions painted on it) and Liz are - wait for it - STROLLING! Cut to Buff who is also in the back and he is - SAUNTERING! Break.

We're back in the nWo Casino. Someone at the door. Jeez, it's a cops! 'We hear there is some unregulated gambling in here. We need to speak to whoever is in charge.' Nash tosses out Leisure Suit Newton as the guy in charge. Newton: 'Officer, is there a problem?' Yuk, yuk, yuk. Why wasn't a Maestro vs. Newton death match booked? That's what the people want to see!

Match Five: The Total Package (w/chair and The Lovely Elizabeth w/plastic bat) vs. Buff Bagwell - Luger poses prematch. Buff comes to the ring and he poses. Match starts. Lockup, armdrag by Buff, followed by Buff strut and pose. Lockup, bodyslam by Buff followed by pose. Buff laughs at Luger's frustration. Package gets some punches in. I remember, what, two years ago, when Buff was really really cool and Luger was really really over and Buff got all those technical wins over Luger. These guys should form a team, do something with themselves. Lockup, Luger hits a knee to Buff's gut followed by punches to the head. Buff reverses a whip and hits a hiptoss. Luger up, Luger down to a dropkick. Luger stops a corner ten punch at six with a phantom snakeeyes/hotshot. He then hits two clotheslines and poses. Luger: Stomps and then a foot pressed on the side of the head. Snapmare, elbow drop x 2, pin gets two. Forearm to the head x 2. Two count. Buff's face to the top turnbuckle. Luger charges in but catches a back elbow. Middlerope splash on Luger gets a 1.5. Luger hits a low-blow. Buff ducks a punch and hits an inverted atomic drop. Clothesline x 2. Boot to midsection. Running spinning neckbreaker that he actually hits pretty well for once in a couple of years. Buff Blockbuster. He covers Luger and Liz comes in to whack Buff with the bat a few times. (4:15.20) Luger hits a few bat shots then attempts to Pillmanize the arm. Crowd with a mediocre chant We Want Sting! Wow, been a long time on that. I'm guessing a lightbulb just went off in whoever's booking WCW this week's head of having Sting hang in the rafters for nine months to get him back over like he once was. Security are the ones to save Buff this week as there's no sign of Borden in this segment. Break.

If CRZ were doing this review he'd probably mention that TNT is showing some movie Borden did (not the one Bischoff hyped all those years ago, a new one with Daisy Fuentes) and have the name of the film and times and all that. Check local listings if you're into that sort of thing.

We're back with a Three Count autograph signing at the Las Vegas Nitro Grill. Someone was watching Raw (that's an understatement!) as no one shows up for the signing. Oh wait, here's a chick: 'You guys the Backstreet Boys?' 'Uh, yeah. You want an autograph?' 'Umm, no.' Off she walks. Ha, ha. Here come the Marmadukes (w/ tag belts) and Disco. The Family talk smack and a fight breaks out.

Match Six: Three Count (w/ green circle mats of death and Nitro Girl-esque choreography) vs. the Mamalukes (w/ tag titles) in a six man tag - Marmaluke's music interrupts Three Count's performance. Hudson says that Mark Francis of WCW's Research and Continuity (Ha!) Dept. found out that Mamaluke means knucklehead. I guess he read my report last week? Three count knock the posing Italians off the ring apron with dropkicks. From the ring one hits a tope con hilo on the Bull, Evan a springboard splash on Disco, the other Count a senton flip bomb on Big Vito. Punches, kicks, tosses into the safety rail outside the ring. In the ring Sean hits a leg lariat on Vito. Evan. Sean. Kickout by Vito. Sean and Shannon with a double suplex. Double legdrop (one to the neck, the other to the lower abdominal area) on Vito (I hate it when the wrestlers dance for hitting the move as one of them did just then.) Crowd chants Goldberg. Sean goes for the corner ten punch but Vito counters with a (sorta) Ligerbomb and Mafia kick (that looked pretty good.). Tag to Johnny. Whip to the rope, double blow to the chest. Johnny stomps. Kick to the gut, press slam (three reps) of Sean and Johnny drops him on his face. Tag to Disco. Face to the turnbuckle. Punches. Kicks. Itailian leg sweep. Forearm drop misses. Tags to Evan and Johnny. Evan hits the flying forearm. Thesz press and fist o' fire by Evan on Johnny. Tag to Shannon. Evan powerslams Johnny then hiptosses Shannon onto Johnny. Vito in to prevent a pin and a pier six brawl erupts. Shannon hits a Hardy-like leg lariat on Disco in one corner as the Mamalukes reverse whips by the other Counts into the turnbuckles and hit clotheslines as Sean and Evan rebound out from the corners. Shannon is doing the corner ten punch when Vito interrupts. Tossed into the ropes, Johhny and Vito attempt to double hiptoss him. Shannon tries to flip out but the Lukes catch him. With each of the tag champs holding an arm and a leg, they lift him up and bring him down for a double sided powerbomb. They play to the crowd. Crowd cheers. Getting over with a wrestling move? When was the last time that happened? (It *was* a nice looking spot.) Into the ropes again, double kick to the gut. Disco hits what's more running spinning neckbreaker than Last Dance. Johnny covers. Evan. Sean. Shannon. The Mamalukes win. (4:00.90) Big Vito takes the mic and says he's going to sing Sinatra style. He does a bad version of "New York, New York." The performance comes across better than it might seem in writing. Badlanders out to take over the ring. Mamalukes knocked out of the ring. Badlander's music plays. Dave and Daf dance as Crowbar plays metal-bar guitar. Vince McMahon once claimed that his fed was going to move beyond insulting the fans (yeah, right) with the outdated faces vs. heels structure. Well WCW is insulting fans still, but they're working on leaving behind faces and heels. I defy anyone to tell me who the good guys and bad guys are in all this and why.

Man, this recapping is exhausting.

We cut to Anderson and Funk going around the arena looking for Sid. No luck. They continue - SEARCHING! Break.

I get email! But nothing that'd be fun replying to.

WCW Motorsports features the debut of Goldberg's monster truck.

We're back with the nWo in the back sans casino. They are depressed. Nash rallies the group. 'We still got the US belt. We still got the World title! Did the US give up when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor? (They reply No!) Did this company fold when Lincoln got shot by Oswald? (No!) Let's go out and put the old guys over! (Uh, no. Not again.) (When did the nWo put others over?) Let's go out and kick Sid's ass!' (They applaud.)

Match Six: Booker T (w/ Mydnyte) vs. Jerry Flynn in a one on one contest - Flynn sneak attacks with a running clothesline as Booker walks to the ring. Many kicks by both. Some hit, others miss. Booker wins by rolling through a spinebuster slam into a pin. (1:45.72)

In the back Funk and Anderson talk to Sid. 'We've got a plan.' Break.

Catch "Somewhere in Time" on Dinner and a Movie this Friday! I still get a smile out of 'nWokra.' I wonder if Paul Martin and that chef cook guy are still part of the black and white. It *was* 4 Life at one time, you know.

We're back and out comes Miss Kitty Ernest Miller. 'Las Vegas, I love you. You people beg me to come out and bring my red shoes with me. You people want to see me so bad, baby. But you know what? My fingers got tired of typing.' Ernest challenges some fans, calls them fat, he dances a bit. Lovely.

Gene in the back interviews Kimberly. Can you tell I'm running out of steam? Liz says everything is fine with everyone. Her and Page are fine. 'There isn't a hurdle we couldn't jump over.'

Speaking of hurdles that can't be jumped over, Christopher Reeves is in "Somewhere in Time" on Dinner & a movie this Friday. Man, that's some bad karma right there, isn't it? Though admit it, after Superman III no one cared one thing about Reeves until the accident. Having brought up Superman, I'm torn between reffing Dean Cain's new TBS show Ripley's Believe it or Not (My career's in better shape right now than Teri Hatcher, believe it or not) or Nicholas Leaving My Honeymoon in Las Vegas Cage who was once rumored to be putting on the suit. (I think they should get George Clooney who could then fight himself in a sequel movie, Superman vs. Batman.)

Sid and the Harrises discuss the up coming world title match. Nash: 'Without he powerbomb Sid's got nothing. What's he going to do? Make me submit?' Break.

We're back with Sgt. Fit and Pvt. Knobbs in the back. Fit tells Knobbs he has a wrench to take care of Bigelow in an upcoming match and he wants Knobbs to stay in the back because he doesn't need him. (You can say that again.) Knobbs says how about a hug for good luck? They hug and Knobbs swipes the wrench from Fit's back pocket. Pvt. Knobbs gives an insulting salute and mocking 'Yes sir!' as Fit leaves.

Match Seven: Bam Bam Bigelow vs. Fit Finlay (w/o wrench) in a Winner gets a shot at the Hardcore Title at Superbrawl match - Lockup. Fit hits a punch, a kick. Side headlock on Bigelow. Into the ropes, shoulder block to no advantage. Try again, Bam Bam takes over with a kick, stomp. Splash in the corner. Punch. Fit counters with a poke to the eye and a Euro uppercut on Bam. Fit reversed into the corner. Coming out Bam Bam goes for a back body flip but Fit turns it into a DDT! Fit sets up a table and tries to suplex Bigelow from the ring to the floor through the table. That's blocked and reversed. Top rope diving headbutt misses. Fit goes for the wrench that isn't there. Greetings from Ashbury Park leads to the win. (2:20.33) Thundertron shows Knobbs laughing in the back. Fit takes off to get revenge. Why were they friends in the first place? Tony says, 'I'd hate to be Knobbs when Fit gets back there.' I'd hate to be Knobbs period.

The cage lowers!

In the back, Sid is STRIDING! Cut to

Nash (w/ title belt) and half the Brothers Harris as they - STAGGER! Well, not really. They actually are just walking normal like, but I'm doing a riff on Zimmer's WALKING! where I only use synonyms of "walk" that start with the letter "s." Gimmie a break, I gotta do my best to entertain myself to keep things interesting. Break.

24 hours of Matlock this Sunday on TBS! Mahhhhht-lawwwck!

Main Event: Sid (w/o title) vs. Nash (w/ title) and Gerald Harris in a Caged Heat World Title Match - Tenay shoots: 'Has there ever been a more undeserving man than the guy who carries the belt tonight?' More announcer hype: Has any man gone through more to become the heavyweight champ? What about Chris Benoit? If you think I'm calling this match you're insane. nWo beats up Sid. Sid beats up the nWo. Out comes Kane! He rips off the door! Ok, not really. Crowd chants for Goldberg again. Ha! *yawn* Maybe we'll get lucky and one of these three will jump off the top of the cage to make it a **** MotY. Crowd chants Sid!!! The hell? Oh well. More stuff as I wait for Nash to pin Harris to win the match. Tony misuses the term "jobbed." Oh my. Sid puts the Crippler Crossface onto Nash to win the belt. (7:07.36) Fuck you WCW.

Flair comes out to applaud Sid's win. Tenay blathers about: 'Did Flair just pass the torch to Sid.' Yeah, Sid's everything to wrestling today that Flair was to wrestling throughout his career. What the fuck ever.

If I get my computer back up, I'll see you Thursday!

[slash] wrestling

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