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/16 February 2000

WCW Thunder by mdb




I don't suppose I need to mention how much Nitro this week sucked. I will say this: The nWo Nitro, Cactus Jack's amnesia, the little midget with the bomb, *nothing* WCW has *ever* done is as bad as the current Henry/Young skits. And I don't mean the Henry/Young skits are bad in the way the WWF means it to be bad, the way Rakishi's ass is disgusting but everyone (else) seems to enjoy seeing it shake and slam into opponents' faces and such. The Henry/Young skits are the kind of stuff that causes people to look down on wrestling fans and a perfect example of why I hate Vince McMahon.

Personal business: Two weeks ago I asked who's Chris Jones and what's he ever done for [slash]. Silly me. Of course, Chris Jones is better known to millions as Chuck Jones, the brilliant creative genius behind so many classic cartoons with the likes of Bugs and Daffey and Wile E. My apologies. He of course has done so much to entertain us all.

On to the show. Buckle up, folks, this one's going to hurt.

The Best Damn Thunder! Report Anywhere.

Show opens with clips of Jarrett/Nash from Nitro. And Flair/Luger/Hogan from Nitro. And Funk. If Nitro had been a 20 minute show this week, I think it would have been a pretty decent watch.

New Thunder intro graphics and music. Rearranging chairs on the Titanic... Superbrawl 2000 is 4 days away.

Caught somewhere on tape (Spectrum in Philly 02/15'00).

Terry Taylor is out to the ring. At this point, I'm frankly surprised that WCW knew to edit out the half hour delay that happened at the taping. 'I stand before as an official rep of the WCW Exec Board. I don't have good news tonight. Because of the guitar shots and an altercation between Scott Hall and Sid at a hotel last night, WCW has asked and Sid has reluctantly left the building to protect the main event for Sunday.' The nWo has a country theme song as they come out. Jeff and the Harrii into the ring. Jarrett: 'I'm tired of WCW protecting Sid and screwing me. I will walk out of the Cow Palace the WCW champion. Hey Taylor, didn't you screw me out of my title shot on Nitro? I want you to deliver a message to the committee.' The Harrii doubleteam Terry, guitar shot by Jeff on Taylor. Spraypaint of Taylor. Silver paint on a tan shirt don't show up. 'When I'm champ I'll be hard to deal with. Don't mess with the Chosen One. Hit my music.'

Your hosts are Mike "Glad I saved my pennies" Tenay and Bobby "I wonder if Vince needs a color man" Heenan.

Flair, Liz, and Luger enter the arena. Lex with the Buffalo Sabre jersey. Having a slinky for a spine: priceless.

Do you feel the quiver of excitement for the Prince Iaukea vs. Psicosis clash? Do you taste it, do you sense the excitement? Too bad, Psicosis ain't here.

Semi-final match of the WCW cruiserweight title tournament: Kaz Hayashi vs. The Wrestler Currently Billed as the Jobber Once Called the WCW Television Champ Now Identified as the Artist Formerly Known as Prince Iaukea (w/ The Valet Currently known as Paisley Formerly known as the Nitro Girl Storm) - How do I know Prince will win the belt? Simple. Take the 8 people in the tourney and ask yourself, who's the worst possible choice to win the tourney? The Prince. That's how. WCW makes it all worth while watching this show with the announcement: Psicosis is out of the tourney because he couldn't get into the country. Oh the irony. You can't make up stuff like this. Maybe Psic will be rewarded with a main event world title shot at the next PPV? Heenan says that he heard Iaukea has a sister who works in immigration in Mexico and she's the one who kept Psic from getting into the US. I guess Bobby is shooting for a job with Pro Wrestling Illustrated. Paisley with the ring intro: 'Allow me to present my purple bad boy, TAFKAPI. Crawl to me magnificent one' Lots of punches by Prince to start the match. Snapmare, punches. Kick. Prince up for the Ten Punches Countalong in the corner and no one in Philly bothers. I wonder if Kaz did the Ten Punch countalong if the Philly crowd could count it out in Japanese? Miss Handcock out. Kaz with a clothesline. Kaz with punches. Whip to the ropes, telegraphed backbody drop, Prince with a weak kick. Punch by Prince. Whip to the rope reversed, backbodydrop telegraphed, Prince hits a elbow to the back of Kaz's head. *sigh* This match is no good. I miss the next three sequences in the ring trying to figure out what a blurred sign in the crowd says. Handcock and Paisley kind of have an altercation. Ref Charles Robinson sends Handcock away, like it matters. Remember when people cared about the WCW cruiser title? Remember when people cared about anything in WCW? Skip to the end: Prince gets the win by jumping off the middle turnbuckle, catching Kaz in a headlock and DDTing him. I'll stay positive, this was better than Medusa vs. Oklahoma. He faces Lash at Superbrawl for the vacant title. Hey, maybe Prince won't be at Superbrawl and we'll give Kaz a third chance to job. Your winner and finalist in the WCW cruiserweight tourney: Prince Iaukea (2:53)

Wall walks in the back. He's got a match with Norman next. Cut to Nash in wheelchair with some nurses. Some WCW employee comes up to Nash 'Jarrett beat up Terry Taylor pretty bad.' Nash chuckles, 'So?' 'Well aren't you commissioner? Something has to be done.' 'Yeah, I guess I can do something. Come on girls we have some commissioning to do.' Break.

Norman vs. The Wall. Norman is out in a Lindross jersey. I'm guessing he'll end up with a concussion this match then. Recap of the Wall/Bam Bam match from Nitro. The Wall is now a young gun in WCW who has opened up a lot of eyes. Lockup. Wall headbutts Norman. Whip to the ropes, Norm ducks a clothesline and comes back with clotheslines of his own twice to no effect. A third attempt is meet by the big foot of Wall. Outside the ring the Wall punches Norman. The Wall vs. the Demon at Superbrawl! ORDER THAT PPV RIGHT NOW! I dare you not to call the operators. Wall whipped to the safety rail, driven into the ring apron. Wall back in the ring. As Smiley comes in between the ropes Wall catches him with a kick. Another kick by Wall. An observant fan yells 'You suck!' Backbreaker by Wall. Backbody attempt lets Norman hit the sunset flip but can't bring him over. Wall jumps to come crashing down but Smiley moves out of the way. Why am I doing play by play for this garbage? Punches by Norman, ducks a right by Wall, kicks Wall's shin, does a dance, hits a jumping headbutt, whip to the corner. Wall bounces back out, into the arms of Norman, Smiley Slam! Norman wiggles over the prone Wall and goes into punches on the forehead of the Wall. Lest Smiley get over, Wall gets up and chokeslams him. Add to that a chokeslam from the ring apron through a table to the floor of Smiley by the Wall. Smiley lays in pain and motions to his leg. EMTs come out. Maybe it's all a trick to get Three Count out? Some fan sums up the situation and the promotion in genera: 'Who gives a [ ]?' Your winner and opponent to the Demon in a special feature super great attraction match at Superbrawl 2000 you'll be sorry if you don't order the PPV to see that match: The Wall (3:52)

Jeez, I was just joking about Norman Lindross ending up with a concussion.

Nash wants two WCW guys to get him in the ring. They can get him to the stage but because of the wheelchair not into the ring. Nash says 'Can I fire you two? If I can fire you you're fired.' I smell a lawsuit!!! Break.

We're back as they stretcher out Norman. Is it an Italian stretcher I wonder?

Tank Abbot vs. Van Hammer Costello - Looking at things now, how bad would it really have been to have Tank as WCW champ? Backed into a corner, Hammer counters Tank's guard. Tank judos Hammer from the corner to the center of the ring. Van Hammer hits the Flashback spinebuster move on Tank 30 seconds in. Hammer with punches but Tank no sells and gets the knockout punch. Ref doesn't even bother to count to ten anymore. Or do three arm falls. Ring the bell it's over. Hey, if Tank were heavyweight champ wrestling fans could feel like boxing fans in the Mike Tyson era. Order the PPV and get a 60 second main event! Sadly, that'd be an improvement from many of WCW's recent main events. (Even with a 60 second main event, you'd still get your money's worth with the undercard. The Wall vs. The Demon! How can you not order Superbrawl 2000?) Your winner: Tank Abbot (Does it really matter? Under a minute)

In the back Vampiro and Kidman debate the use of negative attack ads in a campaign. Torrie wants them to get along tonight. Kidman and vamp have an uneasy alliance tonight. They don't want to be partners. They can't trust each other. Torrie asks them to work together for tonight and settle things at their match at Superbrawl. I'm guessing these two will be tag champs in two weeks with no mention of previous animosity. Break.

We're back. Some people told Tenay that Positively Page is the best book by a wrestler. Some people lied. Actually how do I know? Order it now and see for yourself. 25 plus s&h. It won't be in stores until March 1st. It probably won't be in stores much after March 1st either. Nash takes the pulse of a nurse. I'm surprised he didn't make a joke about having to take her temperature with his thermometer if you know what I mean. He's upset Jarrett is not there because he's ordered Jarrett to come by and talk to him. Cut to: Jarrett and the Harrii converse, upset that Nash wants to talk with him. Harris boys have a match to prepare for so Jeff will go see the Crip.

Is that the theme for Who Wants to be a Millionaire for the Total Package? Luger is out. 'Doesn't it feel good to see a real star. It felt good to snap Hogan's arm and hear the snap crackle pop. I have the most beautiful, most intelligent manager and I've got a great bod and me and Flair are partners. The Professor asks what Luger means by calling Flair "an old friend." Well, there was all that time Luger was a Horsemen... So be it. Flair cuts a rather off promo. Funk and Dustin Rhodes come out to interrupt. Tonight it's a hardcore tag match, Funk and Dustin vs. Luger and Flair. This exchange is so poorly done. Funk keeps talking about 'Tonight! Tonight!' and Luger keeps begging to hear Dustin talk and Dustin just stares and well, it's about as poorly done as everything else in WCW right now. I can't help but think of Too Cold Scorpio when I see Dustin standing next to Terry while wearing a Funk U shirt.

Meanwhile, Kidman and Torrie walk. Vampiro is hanging out elsewhere. And somewhere else the Harris twins stroll. Break.

Who the hell is behind this 'Truth' campaign against tobacco and what the hell is their problem? Smoking is bad for you. Everyone knows it. Get on with your own lives. Stop messing with everyone else.

We're back with an Okerlund interview of the Mamalukes. Hey, it's a Sicilian Stretcher Match at Superbrawl now. Tonight a Philly street fight with Big Vito vs. Crowbar. Vito cuts a pretty good promo here. Hell, let me rewind the tape and transcribe. It's the best thing on this show so far: They take exception to Gene calling them Mamalukes. They are Paisans. Johnny snacks on a sandwich as Vito warms up but throwing punches. Johnny takes off his hat and slams it to the ground to start the interview: 'Philadelphia street fight. My kind of brawl. You guys did that stuff to my sister and no body gets away with that. You made my mother cry and I don't like that. We're the Paisans, and you're going to be finished tonight. Philadelphia Street brawl, that's my kind of dance. And as far as Superbrawl we're going to put your heads through the walls and I'm gonna buries boths of ya. You're finished.' Disco 'Yeah!' Hmm, if he finishes them tonight then at Superbrawl they'd already be..ah well. Still a good job overall.

The Harris Twins vs. Kidman (w/Torrie) & Vampiro - Kidman and Torrie out. Separate entrance for Vampiro. They've replaced his cool theme music with a lame Soundgarden maybe rip-off. Let's drive away everyone from WCW. Double on Vamp. Vamp hits kicks and a clothesline to take over. Tag to Kidman. Harris has to walk into Kidman who does a crossbody of the top rope. Well the first Harris ducks and the second one kind of connects and goes down. Pin attempt by Kid is stopped. Tag to Vamp. Vamp didn't want the tag. Harris takes over. Forearms, sideslam, 2 count. Tag to Harris. Kick, Maiviaesque spinebuster (not at all a proper spinebuster, I swear Arn Anderson is the *only* wrestler to do that move well) Tag to Harris. Forearms and punches. Shoulder thrusts and punches. Vamp blocks a punch and punches himself. Whip to corner reversed and back out of the corner into a powerslam by Harris. Tag to Harris. Elbowdrops. Snapmare, headlock. Torrie gets the crowd to life by starting a clap along. Vamp with some elbows to the gut and a spinkick. Vamp makes the room temperature tag. Kid ducks a clothesline, dropkick on Harris, tornado bulldog on Harris. Whip reversed. Harris tries to lift Kidman into the air but Kidman hits a dropkick on the way. Other Harris hits from behind. Goes for a slam but Kidman over and behind. Ducks a clothesline but walks into a big foot by the other Harris. Vamp is walking away. Doubleteam by Harii on Kidman. Torrie distracts the ref allowing the Harris boys to set up a big chair shot on Kidman. Don't ask me, it doesn't make sense to me either. A Harris is on the top turnbuckle with chair, the other holds up Kid for the shot. Vampiro does the right thing, shoves Kid out of the way and takes the chair shot. Ref counts the fall. WCW completely fails to get across the point that vamp returned the ring. We see him walking out, next thing we see him take the chair shot. No reason for the change of heart, not him pushing Kidman away. Maybe Kidman will do the right thing in return and throw a trashcan through the glass window of a local pizza pallor. Your winners: The Brothers Harris (Harris pins Vampiro (4:12)

Mamalukes walk in the back. The Badlanders do the same. Daphne's wearing a pink wig, sorta like Medusa was wearing a blue wig on occasion. I'm reminded of the Space Ghost Coast 2 Coast episode where Zorak was wearing wigs. What wig? That wig! Break.

We're back.

Philadelphia Street Fight: Vito vs. Crowbar - Paisans wait outside the arena. Crowbar steps out and is ambushed. Lots of forearms. Johnny and Disco close the door keeping Dave and Daf inside the arena. Vito runs Crowbar into the garage door. Bobby says 'This tells me the Mamalukes know what a Philly street fight is.' So of course they promptly open the door and Vito leads Crowbar back into the arena where Dave and Daf are. Apparently the Mamalukes *don't* know what a Philly street fight is. Sorry fans, I'm not calling this match. Let's just say it's like Regal-Finlay's parking lot brawl only not good. They fight in a parking garage. Punches, thrown into objects, trash can shots, Daf screaming and laughing and throwing food at Vito and Crowbar. Disco and Johhny chant Viiiii-to! And sing 'when the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie that's amore. Backbody drop by Vito onto a car roof. Punches. Crowbar suplexes Vito to the hood of the car and then a legdrop off the cartop onto the hood for a two count. Crowbar tries to hit a metal pole but misses and it goes through the windshield. Vito takes over with a dropkick. Kicks and punches exchanged. Crowbar up high to hit a move but gets lowblowed. Vito hits an elbow drop on Crowbar on the roof of a car. Your winner: Big Vito (3:20)

In the back refs Mickey J and Mark Johnson prove refs can walk just as good as wrestlers. Their match is next! Is Russo back in charge?

Nash is on the phone with Scott. 'Jarrett is making me wait but I'm going to ruin his night.' Nash then tells the nurses they'll play a game. 'I'm a monster and if I catch you I get to eat you.' Lucky for the nurses the power seems to be dead in his wheelchair. Break.

Battle of the Referees: Evil ref Mark "Slick" Johnson (w/Harii)vs. Good ref Mickey J - If I remembered any of Rev. Slick's catchphrases I'd make a clever joke based on the ref's new nickname. We get backstage footage of the two refs fighting. Mark Johnson gets the nWo music. He's accompanied by the Harrii. A better wrestling trivia guy could tell me whose theme ref Mickey J comes out to. Nick Patrick is the ref for this match. This is a joke right? Nick Patrick is the ref for this nWo ref vs. WCW ref match? This match is actually as good as any other match tonight and that is just sad. Go directly to the pin, do not pass go, do not collect 200 dollars. One Harris distracts the ref and the other Harris kicks Mickey and Mark gets the pin and poses. Tenay asks 'What does that prove?' Well it proves that yes, Thunder! is special again and WCW is in deep, deep trouble. Your winner: Mark Johnson (That it happened at all means it went on for too long.)

Nasty Knobbs with a cast talks about the student being the master as he walks. Finlay with cast just walks. This match is based on both of them being victims of Luger, not because of anything else you may have seen involving these two over the last three months or that whole Euros vs. First Family/real hardcore champ angle from oh it seems like so long ago.

First ever cast match: Knobbs (w/cast) vs. Finlay (w/cast)- Ref is Jimmy Hart with a cast. Bobby the Brain remembers Jimmy used to manage Knobbs. Wow! Finlay slaps Knobbs, hits a few forearms with the cast on Knobbs' back. Brawl outside. Finlay slams Knobbs' cast into the steel steps then tosses him over the safety rail into the crowd. Finlay and Knobbs go about 20 steps into the crowd, hit a few shots and comeback. If you are Tenay that constitutes 'all over the Spectrum.' Finlay tries to use a chair but Jimmy stops that. Knobbs gets a clothesline in, slams the cast of Finlay into the steel steps. Finlay hits more cast forearms, then his rollthrough slam. Jimmy Hart goes for the three count but he does it with his casted arm. After one the pain is too much. Finlay complains about not getting a count, Knobbs hits Fit in the back of the head with the cast. Jimmy counts three with his good arm. Announcers say 'Will Knobbs use the cast to win the hardcore title at Superbrawl.' Nothing more about any Hart/Knobbs connection. Way to follow up. Your winner: Brain Knobbs (2:32)

Jarrett with the Harrises again. Let's go see the crip. I guess Jeff and Brothers Harris are bloods then? Black and white vs. black and red. Colors! Break.

We're back with a Superbrawl mega angle recap promo. I'm thinking Konnan would be good for a nWo colors feud.

Tenay says the main match at Superbrawl is of course Hogan's. Heenan recalls the second Nitro with Luger vs. Hogan. Displaying a long term memory is not the way to get back on Nitro Bobby. Remember Scott Hudson? He was rewarded with a beating by Rick Steiner and reassignment to WCWSN. They show Hogan getting his arm broken. They intro a Hogan taped interview. Hogan has a cast on. He'll beat Luger at the PPV. He's a bad dude. He used to run with bad dudes. Not the current nWo. He brings back the Hollywood name. I guess he's Hollywood Hulk Hogan now. Triple H. You know, I could go on at length about Triple H (aka Triple Ego) and Triple H (aka Triple Knee) but why bother? One sucks and is over, the other sucks and I guess is WCW level over but still not as over as he once was or thinks he is.

Funk, Dustin, Luger, Liz, Flair walk. Break.

If Hogan is back to Hollywood will we get a feud with Hulk vs. Kanyon? Go ahead and get Dustin ad Piper in it as well. Jim Carry to play Andy.

Preview for Ready to Rumble.

Hey, the Funk v. Flair match is a Death Match. Was it an I Quit match before or am I just not paying attention?

Main Event (aka It's Almost Over): Luger (w/Liz) & Flair vs. Funk & Dustin Rhodes - Lex Luger has broken five arms in WCW so far. Can you name them all? Tenay can't get over seeing Luger and Flair teaming. Let's get this over with. Funk and Flair tie up. Funk shouldblocks and punches Flair. Backbody drop. Funk and Flair fight outside, inside Luger and Dustin trade blows. Dustin hits a clothesline, Flair with (whoo) chops. Funk takes over. Piledriver on the announcer table? No, Lex stops it. Flair punches Funk. Back in the ring. Bobby says Dustin and Funk haven't been in the ring yet even though they were just a minute ago. That's the way back to Nitro, Bobby! Flair to the top so Funk can slam him. Spinning toehold on Flair. Luger tagged in. Stomps on Funk. Punches. Bobby laughs about Hogan being jealous of Luger's two good arms, will he let me sign the cast, ha ha. That's so 80s. Backslide by Funk. Nope. Chops by Funk on Flair. Luger in. Funk with some weak offense and a two count. Headbutt on Luger. Luger hits a suplex. Both men down. Flair tagged in. Dustin tagged in. Punches, suplex on Flair. Bulldog on Luger. Flair breaks up a count. Funk on Flair in one corner, Dustin on Lex in another. Liz hits Dustin in the ankle with the bat. Lex hits Dustin in the head with a bat. All behind the ref's back. Flair with a figure four on the unconscious Dustin. Robinson counts three. Your winners: The Total Lex and Ric Flair (Flair 'pins' Rhodes 5:52)

Jeff confronts Commish Nash. The Harrises are banned from the Palace. 'You can't do that.' 'Yes I can!' 'Hey Slapass you can't.' You son of a [ ] yes I can.' 'Why don't you get out of the chair and do it?' Nash starts to stand and Jarrett hits him with a guitar. Down goes Nash. That's your closing shot.

Hey, I can hear Monster Ripper Rhonda singing. (<-pun!) It's over folks. And when I mean over I don't mean popular.

Three Reasons to Order Superbrawl 2000:
1. Be able to say to everyone, 'Yes, I was the one who ordered it.'
2. The Demon vs. The Wall!
3. Uh, okay. There's only two reasons to order Superbrawl 2000. But isn't The Demon vs. The wall reason enough?

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