THE PRETTY MUCH AS GOOD AS IF NOT SLIGHTLY BETTER THAN ANY OTHER THUNDER! REPORT ANYWHERE

Caught somewhere on tape it's WCW Thunder!

Clips from Nitro to start.

Show opens with an unnamed WCW employee greeting Kevin Nash as he's wheeled into the arena. 'Hey Kevin, how do you feel since Jeff hit you with the guitar?' 'What did you call me?' Nurse: 'He has a slight case of amnesia' WCW guy: 'You're the Commissioner. You run this place.' Nash: 'I'm the Commissioner? Let's go commission.'

New intro graphics and music plays.

Fit Finlay vs. 3 Count - In the ring 3 Count do their thing. Shame on the Academy for overlooking "Can't Get You Out of my Heart" for a Grammy. Just like last year Konnan was snubbed for uh, whatever that song of his was. "Psycho"? Match starts with a clothesline on Evan. Fit throws a chair at Shane (misses). Rams the back of Evan into the ring. Shane and Shannon attack but are knocked down. Evan knees Fit in the gut but Fit gets a sleeper on. Shane hits a chairshot on Fit's back. Fit puts a cast shot on Shane. Chair shot to Shane as Evan forearms Fit in the back. Evan up in the fireman's carry. Do the rollslam! Oh well, he drops Evan facefirst into the ring apron. Man I have some of my best memories of wrestling from Fit beating up scrubs. Into the ring. Evan tries to hold off Fit with a chair. Fit gets in a shot with a garbage can lid. Evan tosses a garbage can at Fit who catches it and throws it out of the ring, hitting Shane. Fit corners Evan when from behind Shane Helms hits Fit with the green circle. Evan stomps and hits a garbage can lid. Evan to the top to drop a garbage can but Fit gets the feet up to knock the can into Evan. Shane hits a springboard dropkick. The more the two nonEvan Three Counters wrestle, I think the more I'll like them. Shane goes for a garbage can shot on Fit who's held up by Shannon, but Fit escapes and Shannon is leveled by his own temamate. The irony! Garbage can shot on Shane! Garbage can on Evan! It's garbage (can) wrestling! Tombstone on Evan! 1, 2, 3! I always like to see Finlay win and I like to see people cheering Fit winning even more. It's too bad Fit went easy on the three punks though. I guess after his injury he's developed a bit of sympathy.

In the back, in the Commissioner's office 'Who am I again?' 'You're Kevin Nash the Commissioner.' 'We haven't got time for this! The city is in peril! The Joker has escaped the asylum! We need to call Batman. If you can't find him call Bruce Wayne because he always knows where Batman is.' Will Sting do? Oh wait, Sting is the Crow, not Batman.

Cut to Gene interviews Jarrett from the nWo lounge. The Brothers Harris relax with eyecandy on a sofa in the background like it was Snick. Jarrett starts the countdown to Uncensored (March 19th) when the Sid Vicious era ends and the Chosen Reign begins. And tonight the Harris brothers are going to drop some H-bombs. Jeff calls Gene slapnuts. Break.

Hey, I just saw a commercial that says H-bombs are sneakers. Endorsed by the top three NBA dunkers or something.

We're back with K(idman)TV. Buff asks out Daphney. 'You can go with Buff or skinny little David Flair.' Daph plays along for a moment and then screams in Buff's ear. Guess he hasn't been watching WCW either during his time off. Tenay says they should have cast Daphney in Scream 3. Why? She only screamed once. Hey, what happened to that guy with the mask and black robe that attacked WCW wrestlers that one week? Hey, whatever happened to Thunder Ringside Releases? I always liked getting two minute movie trailers in my wrestling shows.

Back in the ring, enter the Nature Boy. Whoo! He carries the Hulkster's workout belt. 65He carries the Hulkster's workout belt. 65He carries the Hulkster's workout belt. 65He carries the Hulkster's workout belt. 65He carries the Hulkster's workout belt. I have in my lifetime been to some nothing happening cities but if there was ever a nothing happening place tonight, it's Reno Nevada. (Crowd boos) And whoo! whether you like it or you don't like it you live here in tired ass Reno Nevada. Right fatbot? Would you like me to take your girlfriend home tonight, let her ride Space mountain, make a big deal out of life, would you like that baby? Whoo! It's all night long! Now. Here's the question. Wow! Monday Night, the Total Package, whoo! looking as only he can look, completely, completely, demolished this (holds up Hogan weightbelt) the red and yellow Hulkamania running wild whoo! it came to a dead halt! You know why? Because the most physically awesome speciman (heh-heh He said speciman) alive today my friend, my partner, my associate (ahhh I remember the good ol' days when Luger was an associate of the Horsemen. NWA just ruled in the 80s) the Total Package - you shut up fatboy - put it to a halt. And then I walked down to the ring at the conclusion of the match, took this belt off of Hogan, whipped his Californa ass that night! (crowd boos) That's reality. That's life. That happened. That's reality. That happened. This is Armani (his suit) (Brain: 'They don't know Armani) You got it? I got his belt, he's got nothing. And tonight, the Package is going to take 7 foot tall 330 pound Sid Vicous and knock him down too. Why can't I find a man to wrestle me tonight? Why? (to crowd member) You? You want to wrestle? You? You want to wrestle me? I'm Ric Flair.' Out comes Vampiro. 'Hey. Reno nevada. Mr. Ric flair 14 time heavyweight champion. I got a lot of respect for you sir, but I think I'm a big man. Tonight it looks like you're stuck with this freak right here in Reno Nevada.' (Crowd cheers) 'You? Hey dead man! You want to wrestle me? You want to wrestle 14 times? Say that again.' Vamp hypes up the crowd. 'Ric Flair I don't want to wrestle you. In fifty minutes I'm going to kick your ass!' Exit Vamp. 'What? What?!?!' Ric leaves the ring and says hi to Saturn (aka Satellite) by saying to the camera 'What are you looking at?'

Cut to Gene interviews La Parka! La Parka stands on the chair with his Thinker pose. Gene: 'You return to the scene, you're back in the trenches my friend.' La Parka steps down from the chair. As La Parka pantomimes a voice, sort of a cross between JYD and Woldman Jack, says: Gene-o, Gene-o, the skull captain's live in Reno. (plays the chair) Everybody wants to know what [sic] La Parka's been so quiet lately, well, I ain't had much to say. But now I'm ready to throw down so dig on this. It's La Parka time. (makes the 'title belt around the waist' sign) Me and all the Parkamaniacs out there (You know I'm one - Play your chair guitar, wear a mask, and do the strut!) are ready to take the next step. And anyone who feels froggy c'mon and jump jump (Kris Kros ref?) Cuz when the chairman's in the hizouse he's got not one but two steel shots for you. One for me and one for my homeys. Now step off Gene-o. The Chairman's clocking in for work. (does a right face, tucks the chair under his arm, puts the head back, and saunters off screen) Gene does a take to the camera 'Not back to this crap again!' You know what? That was campy and stupid enough to work. La Parka's body language and natural charisma comes across and anything that attempts to get him over with fans I'm in favor of.

David and Daphney talk as Crowbar looks on from behind. 'Why were you talking to Buff?' 'Oh come on I only like blonds.' 'Ok.' They hug and make up. Ain't that sweet? Well, maybe David's still a little upset.

Cut to Nash and nurses. 'Dammit! Where's Batman? We can't wait too much longer. (Batman probably won't come to WCW because he saw how everyone else in the fed was made to unmask. Except La Parka I guess. [And the Villianos] That'd be a cool gimmick. Nash thinks La Parka is Batman.) Supervillans are running loose in my city. I'll call Alfred! (dials a cellphone) Alfred, Commissioner Gordon. I need to speak to Bruce. I need to talk to his friend. You know. Right. You got my number. Call me back. Ok. What do you mean what have I got on? Right. Now we'll see some action. (Thank goodness!)' Cut to Ralphus with cell phone sitting on a parkbench somewhere like Forrest Gump. 'Who the hell was that?' Wow! That cameraman's good! Wonder if he's related to Zapruder? (Wow, who ever thought I'd be talking about Zapruder in a wrestling recap?)

Berlyn vs. La Parka - Here's Berlyn. I thought he was buried long ago. He takes the mic. 'Umdrehung meiner Musik! SchlieBen Sie oben! Ich bin Berlin und ich bin vom Deutschen! Ich mag kleine weiche flockige Haschenhefterzufuhren. Wenn Sie wissen, daB deutsch, den Sie sprechen, ist dieses nicht, was Berlin sagte. ' He's been in Reno one day and he hates it. What's with speaking English? Did you know English is classified as a Germanic language? Ha! (I saw that on Who Wants to be a Millionaire. I qualified for the show but I didn't get the callback. :( ) Here's La Parka. On his way in we see clips from Nitro were Medusa played the part. La Parka in the ring posing on the chair. Wright dropkicks him off it. Tosses the chair out of the ring and kicks on La Parka. German uppercut. Punch. Crowd chants USA. Did you know Duggan is the new TV champ? Do you remember when Wright was a discotheque dancin' TV champ with neon orange tights? Spinning heel kick on La Parka. Ein, zwei, kick out. La Parka put onto the top turnbuckle but before Berlyn can get any offense on that La Parka puts in a few punches and goes for the tornado DDT. Berlyn stops that, attempts a clothesline, La Parka ducks and the Mexican Russian legsweeps the German. Up to the top, corkscrew body attack onto Berlyn. Ein. Zwei. Drei. Uno, dos, tres. Guter Tag Herr Berlyn. Ich bien ein jobber. La Parka celebrates and poses and struts. Good for him. When was the last time he won? Buff Bagwell in Russo's first week?

Cut to Kidman and Torrie in the back. Enter Buff 'I've been caught on Kidcam twice. What's going on?' 'Get your facts straight, someone stole my Kidcam. It's not me. But if you find out let me know.' Buff walks off (I'm surprised he didn't hit on Torrie [Yes I know that'll be next week.]). Who stole Kidcam? The angle that will turn around WCW! I think it was Russo.

Gene with Tank Abbott. One of Tank's friends thought he was going to take over the alphamale spot and Tank had to trim his ears and bob his tail. The interview is interrupted by Mike "Don't call me Shane, Vincent, or Curly Bill" Jones. Jones demands a match with Tank. Tank agrees. Mike can stand on his own two feet! At least for the moment.

Buff vs. David Flair - Film of Buff vs. Maestro from Nitro. Buff laughs at David. Kneelift and body slam by David who then poses. Turns around and is met by a pair of punches. Into the ropes, hiptoss. Running cothesline. Sunset flip attempt by David is thwarted by a punch to the head. Buff dances and poses for Daffy. She's not impressed. Buff takes the shirt off Flair and poses the nearly unconcious son of Flair. David hits the trick knee low blow. Maestro is out. Dave pounds on Buff. Daphney gets on the ring apron and threatens the Stro with the crowbar. David thrown into the ropes knocks Dapney off the apron and crashing into the Maestro. The distraction allows Buff to hook an inverted DDT for the win. Maestro in the ring to beat up Buff with punches and choking but Buff gets the better of the exchange in the end and clotheslines Stro out of the ring.

In the back Tank walks. Break.

Mega recap of Superbrawl just to further annoy people who paid 30 bucks to see it.

Tank Aboott vs. Mike Jones - What is in a name? A jobber by any other name jobs the same. Tank Abbott wins with a springboard hurricarana/corkscrew moonsault with a three quarters twist that was done so quickly it looked just like a regular ol' punch. Tank at Abbott at Starrcade. Call your cable operator right now!

Ric Flair walks. Break.

Ralphus visits Nash. 'You called me?' (I guess he had caller ID on his cell phone?) Retarded? Bingo.' 'Was his name-o. B-I-n-g-o, b-I-n-g-o, and Bingo was his name-o.'

Vampiro vs. Ric Flair - Film of Flair at Nitro whipping Hogan. That's always fun to watch. Announcers wonder how many butterflies are in Vamp's stomach for this first meeting. They think more than they can count. Since they can't count over 7 that's not too much but I doubt there's any. This guy gets screwed around by politics, gets busted up in the ring, it's all the same to him. He just wants to wrestle and have fun. Lockup, Vamp moved into the corner by Flair. They break without incident. The two circle. Lockup, headlock by Vamp, into the ropes, shoulderblock, Flair goes down. To the ropes, Flair drops, Vamp back, Flair tries a hiptoss, Vamp rolls him into a leg lock submission. Flair in the ropes breaks it. Ric argues with the ref. Flair gets half a test of strength started then kicks Vamp. Vamp into the ropes, hiptoss attempt blocked by Vamp, flip over and clothesline takes down Flair. Second running clothesline. Flair into the corner and back body dropped on his way back out. Ric otside the ring. Vamp ready for a pescado but Ric is out of danger's way. Vampiro suplexes Ric into the ring. Flair begs off Flair. Chop on Flair. Whoo! Chop on Flair. Whoo! Eyepoke by Flair to gain advantage. Flair with a chop. Whoo! Flair with a chop. Whoo! Punch to the jaw. Whoo? Vamp to the ropes, ducks a clothesline and returns with a spinning heel kick. He's up for the leg drop from the top rope but misses. Flair works over the leg. Flair sucks chant from the crowd. Chops and kicks along the way. Figure four attempt into a small package two count. Flair attempts more attacks but gets caught with an enziguri. Vamp to the top rope but Lex is out and hits Vamp in the leg with a bat. Hey, Lex is the Batman! Flair gets the win with the figure four. Stomps by Luger, whips with the strap from Flair. Ref has the bellringer ring the bell to no good effect. Luger raises Flair's hand in victory. But Vamp proved tonight he belonged in WCW's ring and he's a major star now. Or so says Tenay.

Dustin Rhodes, the turncoat, is in the back walking. He's next! Break.

We're back. Vampiro got the win via reverse decision. As he stretches the leg out, Fit Finlay attacks. (The World's Most Dangerous Fit Finlay Attacks Caught on Tape! is my favorite Fox show.) Cut to Kidman and Booker talking. Booker wants Kidman's head into their match, Kidman assures him he's ready and needs Booker to be there.

Cut to Dustin stuff from Nitro. Dustin Rhodes interview. I really don't want to bother transcribing but I feel as a reporter I really should type this out. I mean it's my duty. People who read this report want to know what Dustin said. Wait a minute! What am I thinking? 'People want to know what Dustin said'? I doubt it. He doesn't care about the people. He's got a broken home and a closet full of Gold costumes (no closet jokes here) to show for all his work. He goes on for hours about hearing boos and Terry Funk. I don't think he likes Terry anymore. There's a pun in there. Terry Funk appears on the Thundertron. He says he's decided neither Rhodes is any kind of man. Dustin takes out a couple of WCW employees. (WCW employees wearing nWo shirts) And a third guy into the steel steps. Tenay 'This new attitude has gone too damn far.'

Crowbar in the back. He hits stuff with his metal pole as he walks. 'Let's go crazy. Let's get nuts. Let's go crazy. Let's get nuts.' Hey! That's not a KISS song! Break.

Hey, an ECW wrestling ad. Way to go TNN! Promote your show! Probably got the ad rates dirt cheap. Those TNN QHs are getting close to Thunder and WCWSN's.

This Week in WCW Motorspeed Report features the return of Rikki Rachtman. I miss Headbanger's Ball. The report also features a mention of The Rock. No, not that Rock. Apparently they hold races on Alcatraz.

Ref Mickey J still has issues with Mark Johnson and Terry sanctions another battle of the refs.

Cruiser title match: Crowbar vs. TAFKAPIaukea - I think it is an outrage that the Grammys overlooked - oh wait I did that joke already. You can tell I'm phoning it in by not bothering to type out the joke alias The Jobber Currently Known As the Wrestler Billed As etc. For further evidence notice I don't bother with play by play. Actually I did write out all of Storm's cool moves including the splash from apron ot floor on Ike and the top rope bulldog (and the not so good Ricky Steamboat over the top rope, pull yourself back into the ring, turned into a head leglock to yank Prince out of the ring spot) but then it got deleted and I'm not going to retype it. Out comes Daph to end the match. She wears a purple wig to infatuate Ike (an amazing show of continuity and foresight as she had the wig on all night, unless they just rearranged the prerecorded segments) She and Paisley have a catfight. Prince hits his super sloppy jumping DDT for the win and justifying my decision not to do play by play.

In the back, the Wall walks (I didn't know walls could walk). Cut to Disco and the Mamas walking. Break.

We're back. Sid interview. Sid will judge Luger tonight. You cannot attempt to be master to the master. (hehehehe) Let's play Lex. (heheheHAHAHA LEX!)

Cut to Nash watching the show. 'See! The Joker!' Sid looks nothing like the Joker. La Parka looks more like the Joker. Or Sting. Or ICP. Or the Demon. Or Vampiro. Have I mentioned that one day all wrestlers will wear white face paint? Nurse: 'Since Batman isn't here, maybe we can call Superman to see if he can help us.' 'What? Everyone knows Superman is Scott Steiner and he got suspended for among other things refrencing a Marvel [sic] superhero.' Actually Kev said 'Supes is a comic book character.' (har har)

The Wall vs. Disco - Clips of Wall pinning Demon and Bam Bam. In the back the Mamalukes and 2Xcess fight. Disco walks to the ring not knowing his team are detained. Disco gets the mic. I'm not going to wrestle you, I'm not a wrestler. I was going to offer you a tag title match but they aren't here so we both got the night off.' He tries to leave but Wall stops him and hits some power moves. Disco comeback with attacks to the leg. Swinging neckbreaker and elbow drop is the rest of his offense. Then the Wall gets the chokeslam and the pin.

In the back Kidman and Booker and Torrie walk. Break.

We're back with Lex and Liz interviewed by Gene. Remember when Lex was so scared of Sid he did everything he could to get out of the arena? Well you're not supposed to! Or I guess maybe he's no longer worried since he's now teaming with Flair. Lex says he and Liz will be the next World champions. He's going to garnish the victory and relish it.

Kidman & Booker vs. The Brothers Harris - Kidman is out with Torrie. Booker comes out seperately, sans music, sans pyro, sans T. Clips are played of Nitro events between these four. Out come the Harii to the classic nWo theme. Kidman and Harris to start. Knee and punches for Harris. Kidman hits a dropkick on Harris and a pair of armdrags and then the tornado bulldog. Harris tosses Kidman outside. The othe rHarris throws him into the un-safety rail and into the announcer's desk and then back into the ring. Harris hits a spinning sideslam. Bodyslam. Thrown into the corner. Again. Choke. Double back elbow. Slam attempt turned into leg scissors by Kidman. Hottag. Booker with punches and back drop suplex on one Harris, urunage on the other, boot and ax kick combo on the other Harris, urunage on the other Harris for a two but the other Harris breaks the count. Short pier four, Kidman thrown out. Harris thrown out. Booker hits a russian legsweep for a count that the other Harris breaks up. H-Bomb for the three as Kidman and Torrie relax outside the ring. Let the record show that the Mamalukes did the H-Bomb first and they did it 10 times better.

Sid walks in the back. 'Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! They say Sid! Sid! Sid!' Break.

The Main Event (aka It's Almost Over) Lex vs. Sid - Jeff and the twins watch in the back. Sid slams and leg drops Luger. Ten Punch Countalong and a clothesline. Lex takes a powder. Fight outside. Luger with the advantage in the ring (kicks and a clotheslne) Arm bar or wristlock or something. I just want this to be over. Sid hits some clotheslines, sets up a chokeslam, no a powerbomb. Well here's Ric. Sid no sells the Nature Boy's chops. Sid beats em both up. Chokeslam on Luger. Plays to the crowd. Lex has the bat. Flair set for a powerbomb. Lex takes a swing hitting Sid's leg and Ric's hand. Lex and Flair beat up Sid and the Flair hits Lil Natch, er, Lil Sid, bumpmaster charles Robinson. In the back the nWo such as it is decide they want in on the fun. They are met with a bunch of security and refs who block the way. Jeff hits Mickey J with the guitar. We close with a shot of said ref on the ground and Bobby saying 'MMMmmmm. MMMmmm. My goodness.'

Well the big drama out of this show is 'Was it bad enough to get Scott to quit?' All I can say is several times throughout I thought about quitting myself.