You can't bring me down. - Suicidal Tendencies

'Hey! You're not Scott Keith!' That's right. M.D.Bishop, nice to meet you. I'll skip all the introductions and stuff. We can get to know each other as we go along. Now on with the report - because it's not about me, it's about the wrestling, baby!

Oh wait. One note of personal info. I live in Raleigh, North Carolina so whoever from WCW that is reading Wrestleline reports and giving away free stuff to reporters here, getting some tix for me and some of my friends for next week's Nitro and Thunder would be much appreciated. Now on with the report!

THE BEST DAMN - you know what? On second thought, a second note of personal info for the guy from WCW reading this. I'm a screenwriter and if you want someone who can do script for the little sports entertainment skits and the talking points for wrestler interviews, I can do the job and I'll work cheap (at first). Tired of everyone on the net talking about how the angles don't make sense and there's a total lack of logic and continuity and there aren't any wrestlers they can care about? I can fix that. Get me to the show in Chapel Hill and we'll talk shop. I even work well with others, unlike certain other writers in the pro wrestling biz. Let me know.

Ok, sorry everyone else. Couldn't give up the chance to put myself over though. But really, if I were on WCW's payroll... Anyway, for now let's get back to Thunder! because it's not about me - it's about the wrestling! Baby!

THE BE- You know, I bet a lot of you are thinking to yourself right now, 'If he's such a good screenwriter, why's he in NC doing Thunder! reports for free on the net asking for a job at WCW instead of getting scripts sold in Hollywood?' Let me explain. Shut up. No, really, you have to understand how Hollywood works. It takes time to break in. But it's only a matter of time. If you doubt me, ask again at the end of the year. Actually, the way things look right now, ask me this summer. Anyway, right now it's just a matter of time. In the meanwhile, I'm a wrestling fan and I have fun writing reports and would have fun writing for WCW when not working on my scripts. But that's all for another day. Right now I'm just a reporter so let's start reporting!

THE BEST D- I bet the people at Wrestleline right now are writing emails to Scott Keith begging him to come back.

TH- I also bet right now Scott Keith is enjoying Thunder! for the first time in months, enjoying it because he doesn't have to type a thing about it, enjoying it because he can switch it off at any time and not worry about letting down you, the loyal reader. On with the show!

THE BEST DAMN THUNDER! REPORT ANYWHERE

Caught somewhere on tape (Fargodome, Fargo, North Dakota, Leap Day 2000) it's WCW Thunder!

WCW.com's preview for this show says Thunder! this week will have "Hardcore wars, Cruiserweight wizardry and an exhibition of Volvo-sized monsters.. " You know Hardcore Wars is my favorite Star Wars parody ever. If Big Gut Ahmed does an interview, expect a Darph Nader reference. 'Huh? What did you say? Are you talking to me?'

Your hosts are Larry "It's a living" Tenay and Bobby "Kill me" Heenan. I'm your reporter M.D.Bishop, but baby, it's not about me, it's about the wrestling! Here we go!

Show opens with... Whooo! Highlights from Nitro. Just think, you could have saved yourself an hour and fifty nine minutes!

Sid enters the arena and meets Terry Taylor. 'Can I see the belt?' 'Don't worry about the belt. Did you take care of it?' 'Yeah, it's done.' What was that about? Keep reading!

Cruiserweight Title Match: The Volvo-sized Monster Currently Known as the Cruiserweight Champ Prince Iaukea vs. Chavo Guerrero - Remember when Chavo was so over in the battle against evil Uncle Eddy? Remember when they taped the interview with Grandma Guerrero? Classic. Tenay lies about the depth of the cruiserweight division being the best it's ever been. Juvy back in a few weeks, Rey in a few months. Is Psicosis across the border yet? Prince opens with a kick and punches. Choke on Chavo, highknee lift. Punches exchanged now. Whip into the ropes, Chavo avoids a clothesline, floats over the back and hits a modified bulldog for two. Chavo hits a no-pivot spinebuster which is just as well as Arn Anderson's the only one to ever be able to do the pivot right. Another two count. Chop, whip into the ropes, flapjack, two count. Prince takes over with punches, Chavo reverses a whip sending Prince outside the ring. Chavo off the top turnbuckle to hit a plancha. Back in the ring Chavo hits a springboard dropkick on Ike. Paisley distracts the ref (lazy booking) and Prince clobbers Chavo with the title belt. He then goes to hand the title belt back to Paisley but it's handed to ref Charles Robinson instead. Chuck figures out what happened and awards the DQ win for Chavo. Chavo hits a dropkick on Ike who tried to hold up the title belt to Van Daminator the move but didn't really succeed. This was nothing.

Your winner: Chavo.

Gene interviews Team Package. Luger laughs about having to face Vampiro tonight. 'After Ric left him crumpled last week?' Hey, continuity! 'Face-painted dreadlocked goof' is how Luger describes Vamp. Gene mentions that the ref reversed the decision last week. 'Now you're sounding like a Hulkamaniac Gene. Tonight Package, simply break [Vampiro's] arm. And Buff Bagwell, the Package made you look bad on Nitro and I'll do the same to you tonight.' Or words to that effect.

The turncoat Dustin Rhodes walks in the back. He's next. -break-

We're back and Chavo explains to Gene that he went broke as a salesman. He then swipes Okerlund's watch. It's funny!

Dustin in the ring. He talks 'to the marks, the smart marks.' Hey, that's me! 'You like it when the rasslers share something with you, don't you?' Well not always. Right now is a good example. Dustin shares his thoughts on the fans and the business. This is the same stump speech he's been doing the last few weeks. We then go to prerecorded footage of Terry Funk at an autograph signing earlier today. Dustin ambushes the Funkster, smashing a glass on his head. He then precedes to take a chair and whacks the heck out of the concrete floor next to the prone Funk. He dumps some coffee on Funk. He throws him to a table (which doesn't break). Back in the ring Rhodes issues an open challenge to the crowd. Funk sneaks in from behind and hits a half dozen or so chair shots. Funk says to Dustin 'You don't belong in a wrestling ring.' and tosses him out to the floor. Piledriver attempt reversed to a backdrop. Dustin DDTs Funk to the floor. Back into the ring, Dustin hits three chair shots that don't knock Funk down but the fourth does. Security into the ring. Heenan, company man that he is, talks about the war going to new levels and never having seen anything like this. Whatever. PPV match between the two at Uncensored.

Gene interviews the Brothers Harris and Jeff. Harris Brothers talk about H-Bombs. Those are sneakers with helium in them you know. All the NBA dunkers think it's good. Jeff says after tonight Sid's championship will be on life support. Insert joke here. He then announces that one of the nWo girls will be fired tonight. They'll have a competition tonight to decide who gets the ax. You can't possibly change the channel now! -break-

We're back and Sid, Kidman, and Booker try to discuss strategy.

Match Two: Three Count vs. The Dog w/ Fit and Knobbs - In the ring the Hardcore Champ 3 Count thank the fans. I love wrestling. I therefore hate Vince McMahon. IF I want sports entertainment I'll watch Dragonball Z. I hate watching the promotions go out of their way to make pro wrestling into the joke so many people in the mainstream think it is. Why WCW rips off the worst of the WWF's stupid angles is beyond me. Tenay says the Hardcore championship is at an all-time low point. That's really saying something. Is it me or is Brian Knobbs' music a rip-off of "My Sharona"? The Dog is Al Green on a leash in a red and yellow camo outfit. Hey, it could be worse, it could have been Rick Steiner. How many days is it until 18? Uncensored! Lots of garbage wrestling, hitting with trash cans and trash can lids and you know how it goes. Highlight is The Dog pressslamming Moore out of the ring onto Evan and Helms. Pin comes after the Dog powerslams Helms from the middle turnbuckle through a table. Tenay says the Dog just made Three Count his (its?) personal fire hydrant.

Your winners: Dog, Fit, and Knobbs.

By the way, before anyone writes to say 'Hey you said you hate sports entertainment and at the very start you were begging to get a job writing sports entertainment.' Look. Sports entertainment can be a force of good as well as evil. Mick Foley's skits with Vince McMahon (the hospital visit, the presentation of the hardcore belt) for example. They got Foley over with the crowd and set up great feuds and matches. Stuff like the Mae Young/Mark Henry skits and co-title holders do nothing but expose the business.

In the back Gene with La Parka in a blue outfit tonight. Same basic interview as last week so no transcription here. One chairshot for him, one for his homies. La Parka struts off to call the meeting to order and Gene returns to the nWo to rejoin the Kick a girl out of the nWo competition.
-break-

We're back with a Spelling Bee among the nWo ladies. One can't spell synchronous, another can't spell zephyr, another spells eye as I (duh) and #4 wins the contest spelling r-a-t.

Match Three: The Demon vs. La Parka - Tenay mentions that La Parka's never gotten his due in the three years he's been in WCW because they didn't know what to do with him. Well good luck on the current push. Demon controls the match to start, attacking from behind, hitting a clothesline, backbody drop, two count. Kicks, La Parka whipped into the ropes, back elbow, butterfly suplex. Demon gets caught trying to go to the top rope. La Parka sets up the chair in the ring and goes for a bulldog of the Demon off the middle turnbuckle into the chair but gets thrown into the chair himself. Demon does a KISS version of the People's Elbow. I'm not going to describe it, suffice to say it's about as lame as the original. La Parka hits a low blow kick leading to a corkscrew crossbody and gets the pin on the Jobgoblin.

Your winner: La Parka

In the back, evil and suspended ref Mark Johnson sleeps. Nick Patrick wakes him to tell him he's wrestling Mickey J again. Why's Mark at the arena if he's suspended? And was anyone wanting to see a rematch? Oh well, more points for WCW continuity. I guess that guy in WCW's continuity department is finally earning his pay. -break-

We're back. The arm wrestling contest with the girls vs. nWo has been edited out. We only get Gene jobbing to girl #4.

Sting pretaped promo. Sans makeup Stinger tells us at Uncensored it'll be Sting vs. Lex for the last time.

Hey, Lex does an innovative walk and talk pretaped segment. 'Sting you want a piece of me? How about a piece of this [chair]?'

Elsewhere Vamp silently broods as he walks. -breaks-

We're back with Kidcam. Miss Handcock hits on Buff and Buff says he has to get his stuff together. So Buff hits on all the girls and turns down Miss Handcock? Strike one against WCW continuity. Then again, Buff denies knowing who Lane and Idol are. Maybe all this skirt chasing is just a cover. Maybe he's only hitting on girls he knows who will reject him so no one will suspect that he's really-

Match Four: Luger vs. Vampiro - Clips of last week's Vampiro vs. Flair match as Lex comes out. Tenay says Vamp proved he belongs in the ring with the elite of WCW and compares Flair vs. Sting from the first Clash of the Champions to the match last week. Lockup to start. Package backs Vamp into a corner and breaks with a slap on Vampiro. Test of strength is a ruse by Vampiro who sneaks in a kick to the gut followed by a chop that sends Luger to the mat. Whip into the corner, clothesline follow up. Beal out of the corner, flying shoulder tackle, and a slap for good measure. Luger asks Liz what's going on. Vamp ducks a Luger clothesline and hits a spinkick on the Package. Luger gets Vamp off balance though throwing him shoulder first into the middle turnbuckle. Backdropsuplex by Lex. Lex chokes Vamp on the middle rope. Crowd gets in about 3 "Luger sucks" in before the sound guys mutes it out. Lex stomps down Vampiro. He works over the back with forearm shots. Pressslam! Powerslam! Signal for the Rack! Vamp escapes and comes off the ropes to hit a spin kick. Clothesline off the top rope. Crowd getting into it. Whips into the corners followed by a bulldog! Here comes Flair. Ref distracted allows Liz to take out Vamp with a bat shot to the back. Torture rack for the submission.
Flair whips Vamp and Luger pillmanizes the arm. -break-

Your winner: Lex Luger but Vampiro really proved tonight he belongs in the ring with the WCW elite.

We're back with a replay of Vamp getting triple teamed, courtesy of Castrol GTX. Cut to Vamp refusing medical attention. He kicks away the stretcher. Fit Finley attacks beating down the injured Vampiro.

Battle of the Refs: Mark Johnson vs. Mickey J - Yes! At last the cruiserweight wizardry WCW.com promised! I'm guessing Russo is still slipping notes to Ferrera. What is the point of this? Continuity points sure, but please. Clips of the match two weeks ago. Johnson out in a Slapnuts t-shirt. I refuse to do play by play. Hey, another sign in the crowd is blurred! Nick Patrick hands Mickey J a roll of quarters to knock out Johnson. Remember when Bischoff was evil WCW president and there was a match between two refs and oh well, what's the point of dwelling on it? It's off my screen in mercifully short time.

Your winner: With a match like this, there are no winners.

The Wall walks! David and Crowbar and Daphne walk! Daphne embellishes her walk with a laugh! They're next! I can't wait! -break-

We are back. If CRZ were doing this report, he'd probably give you all the details on WCW motorsports. CRZ's crazy like that. CRZ. CraZy. Hmmm. How bout that?

The nWo Streamline competition continues. Swimsuit contest sees #4 win.

Match Five: Crowbar vs. The Wall - You know, a lot of people criticize the Wall and say he's no good and doesn't deserve a push. Fact is, The Wall is over. They even named a street in New York after him. Crowbar attacks before the bell knocking the Wall off the ring apron. Pescado, punches, throws the Wall into the un-safety rail. Wall catches Crowbar with a kick though and press slams Crow back into the ring. Crowbar attacks as the Wall reenters the ring. Punches, kicks, but a whip is reversed and Wall hits the big boot. David Flair in for a chokeslam. Wall charges Crowbar who ducks, pulls down the rope down and the Wall tumbles out. Modified baseball slide dropkick by Crowbar (he goes between the bottom and middle rope to hit the kick on the Wall). Chairshot puts the Wall down. The sweet splash from the ring apron onto the Wall on the floor (<-pun!). Should I mention Daphe does a lot of screaming and laughing during the match? Crowbar tries to suplex the Wall back into the ring. The Wall doesn't budge and takes Crowbar up into the suplex position and drops him face first inside the ring. The Wall tries to go up to the top turnbuckle but gets caught. Crowbar fights to keep the Wall from reentering the ring. He goes out on the apron himself and charges into the Wall only to be caught in a chokeslam grip. The Wall hits the chokeslam on Crowbar from the ring apron down through the announcer's desk below. A decent spot though Wall perhaps overshoots a bit and puts Crowbar a little beyond the sweet spot of the table. Oh well. Crowbar plays stunned on the ground. -break-

Your winner: Umm, I guess the ref Dqed the Wall.

We're back with clips of the neckbrace stretcher job on Crowbar. Tenay and Heenan play at being in a state of disarray. Several replays of the chokeslam. Each replay diminishes the impact. The Professor displays ignorance by saying he's never seen anything like it before.

Vid clip package of Luger vs. Hogan. Yappapa strap match. Yappapa is my favorite Pokemon. Just kidding. Jigglypuff's my fave. I wish I remembered some of those raps from that Parappa the Rapper Playstation (?) game and I could make a joke about that. 'I want you to go fast. Step on the gas, step on the gas. Now step on the brake, now step on the brake.' Something like that is all I can remember.

Interview with Sid, Booker, and Kid. Gene asks about the main event and gets no response. He asks again and the three give no reply. Gene tries a third time but the three ignore him. Gene gets upset. 'Oh, f**k it, I don't have to talk either, man! See how you like it. Just total f**kin' silence. Two can play at that game, smart guy. We'll just see how you like it. Total silence.' Ok, that didn't really happen. I was joking. See, that's a line from the movie "Fargo" and the show is from Fargo and... You see, there was this scene and the lines are from the movie and...Ok, so it's not funny. I didn't even really like that movie. I do what I can to entertain myself through these shows. Sid talks about having been partnered with Booker before. Guess he's got a better memory than I on that one. Kidman and Booker are going to be on the same page against the nWo tonight. Sid closes the interview with whispering about facing Jeff at Uncensored.

Ric Flair walks. His match with Buff is on the way! -break-

We're back with Gene and the nWo and the ladies. Girl #4 gets eliminated by the other three. This is an example of bad sports entertainment, btw.

Back to the ring. I don't make it a habit to mention signs, but I like the Miss Handcock + Beer = Ratings. Don't know why that one amused me. As we wait for the next match the announcers discuss the chokeslam. Listen to this, I think Bobby is trying to get fired. He's talking about Crowbar after the chokeslam through the announcer's table. And I quote: 'I undid his belt and I looked into his eyes and he wasn't saying anything and he was just gurgling and making this funny sound.' Ok, perhaps the quote in full context isn't actually so bad.

Match Six: Ric Flair vs. Buff Bagwell - Buff starts the match by getting the crowd to clap. He poses and dances for Ric. Lockup into a headlock by Flair who gets sent into the ropes. Shoulderblock knocks down Buff. Hey, why am I doing play by play when we all know Lex will come down for the DQ? Buff puts on the figure four that Ric breaks by getting to the ropes. More timekilling before Lex comes out. Flair flop. Low blow by Flair. Ref Robinson overlooks the low blow and Tenay tries to resurrect the Flair/Robinson connection. Flair dominates. This would have been a real good match one or two years ago. It's a decent enough match right now, but it's all time killing to the appearance of Lex. Buff Blockbuster on Flair, Liz distracts the ref, Lex hits the bat shot, 1, 2, 3 Flair gets the pin. Luger with the bat. Flair with the strap. Hennig streaks down the aisle for the save, and he's butt-ass naked! Well, ok, actually he was fully clothed. Curt clears the ring.

Your winner: Ric Flair

The nWo walk. The Sid/Booker/Kid connection walk. Main event is almost here! Feel the excitement! Oh yeah! -break-

We're back with another dozen replays of the Wall's chokeslam of Crowbar.

In the back girl #4 cries. Buff happens along and says he'll cheer her up and off they walk.

The Main Event (aka It's Almost Over) Jeff Jarrett and the Harii vs. Sid, Booker, Kid - This is the match Sid asked WCW to book earlier in the show. I'd guess Kidman and Booker have a miscue to lead to the pin in this match even if I hadn't already read the taping results. Jeff and Booker start. Shoulderblock, hiptoss, bodyslam by Booker on the Chosen One. Harris in and he takes a forearm shot to the head from Booker. Tag into Kidman. Heenan suggests strategy Jeff should follow, 'Be as fresh as you can be for Uncensored.' With Jeff's misogyny, I don't think he'll know what products to use for those times when he's not feeling fresh. Kidman hits a flying head scissor and a dropkick on Harris. Second dropkick misses. Harris tags in brother Harris. Kidman hits a droptoe hold on Harris but then gets caught with a clothesline. Harris tagged in. Powerslam. Crowd actually chants Sid. Jeff in. Short heat segment on Kidman who eventually escapes the nWo attacks and makes the tag to Sid and Booker. Pier five brawl (Kidman's outside the ring). Sid chokeslams Jeff. Sid powerbombs Jeff. Harris stops a pin attempt by pulling the ref out of the ring. Booker is hit with a lowblow by a Harris, Jeff ducks a missile dropkick by Kidman that connects with Booker. 1, 2, 3, Jeff pins Booker. H-bomb on Kidman. H-bomb on Sid? No. Sid catches the Harris boys for a double chokeslam attempt. But before that happens Jeff hits a guitar shot on Sid. And that's a wrap.

Your winners: The nWo.

Well, the show didn't have much in way of real good wrestling, but it was easy viewing. Next week WCW is in my home state of North Caki-laki!