Okay, first: Mike asked me three weeks ago if I'd pick up this show if
Scott really went through with his threat to quit. I said to ask me again
in three weeks and I'd probably say "yes." Then he didn't ask me
again...instead, he just dropped in a MiCasa report that I'd be picking it
up. He RUINED a perfectly good opportunity to write under a pseudonym and
pretend to be someone else! Mike, YOU BASTARD!
Anyway, this MAY only be temporary - we'll see how it goes. Your feedback, as always, is appreciated. But for now, it's time for THUNDER!
Hey, since I'm actually doing this show now, I guess I can drop the all-caps bang treatment.
Yeah, that's the ticket.
New show - same logo - TV-PG-DLV
Closed captioned logo highlights a package of Nitro highlights - you will be spared the gory details unless you feel like clicking over to the Nitro report
Yo! Sid is WALKING! He asks TERRY TAYLOR if he's "gotten it done." Taylor says yup, and Sid seems ... pleased.
Opening credits go like this - dadum da dadum da dadum da daa (repeat) why the HELL is Oklahoma in there - and so on
BOOOM PYRO! Sid Vicious is still the champion, but what's up his sleeve for tonight? WE ARE NOT LIVE from the Fargodome in Fargo, ND and the forecast is for COOOOLD cold cold 1.3.2K (but taped Leap Day) and if it's nine after the hour, it must be WCW THUNDER!
WORLD CRUISERWEIGHT TITLE: THE ACRONYM (with Paisley) v. CHAVO GUERRERO, JNR - No, Heenan said "any Guerrero," so don't write me saying he said "Eddie." Chavo is a little lighter than the last time we saw him, having shed his asinine Amway gimmick. Tenay tells us that Juventud Guerrera is due back in "just a couple weeks," and later this year, Rey Mysterio Jr. will be back. Artist starts with a pummelin' and a chokin' - the moves that are the HALLMARK of the Cruiserweight division! Kneelift, repeated rights, Guerrero punches back - off the ropes is reversed, Chavo ducks and floats over into a Death Penalty (sorta) for 2. Off the ropes, big spinebuster by Chavo for 2. Tenay CALLS MOVES! Chop, off the ropes, flapjack, close but still 2. Right, head to the turnbuckle - no, Artist stops and turns the tide with - punching. Whip is reversed, and Artist actually goes THROUGH the ropes to the floor. Chavo on top - PLANCHA to the floor! Artist back in, Chavo with a springboard dropkick. Paisley in the ring and distracting referee "Blind" Charles Robinson while passing the Cruiserweight title to her man - belt shot. THEN, he turns around and hands the title to Robinson - errr, brilliant. Robinson promptly disqualifies him (DQ 2:15). Guerrero gets a surprise dropkick on the Artist, punking him out. Guerrero celebrates and Paisley throws a tantrum. Think this'll lead anywhere?
This portion of Thunder is brought to you by Milky Way! If it's a fourth show you're recapping, take your shtick and MILK IT!
Your hosts are MIKE TENAY & BOBBY HEENAN. Tonight's main event was JUST announced in Tenay's ear - and it's a giant six-man tag as Jeff Jarrett and the Harris Brothers take on Booker, Billy Kidman and Sid Vicious! I wonder if Kidman and Booker will miscommunicate? Also tonight, Team Package in the house as Ric Flair takes on Buff Bagwell!
GENE O. works tonight! He stands with the male members of Team Package. Package has Vampiro tonight, and reminds Vampiro that Flair left him in a crumpled heap LAST WEEK. Flair runs down HIS opponent, saying that Package left *Bagwell* in awful shape Monday, and yet...he wants more?
Dustin Rhodes is WALKING!
Backstage, Gene O. stands with Chavo Guerrero. Where's he been? "Well, Gene, I - I had a little - business problems there, you know, um, you know that multi-level marketing program that I subscribed to? Well it turned out to be a, ah, fiscal albatross resulting in the net worth of my liquid assets downsizing to the point where my venture capital could not sustain the - the equity rates of, uh exchange! ...Well, what I'm trying to say in layman's terms is ...I went broke. But! Butbutbut don't fret, you know, I'm back and I got my eye on the Cruiserweight championship - what's that gotta be worth, what, fifteen or twenty grand, something like that?" Okerlund offers a warm handshake and Chavo makes off with his watch - ha! See, now THAT'S funny!
DUSTIN RHODES walks to the ring as the commentators go to great lengths to tell us that Chavo just lifted Okerlund's watch - sigh. Rhodes has something to say. "Listen - all you drones out here need to choose your heroes (the post-production helpfully airbrushes out a middle finger at this point - golly, my sensitive eyes MUST be protected! But I digress) more wisely in the future, because one day he might not be here because of somebody like me - somebody like me might kick his ass and take him out. The reason I came down here is because I wanna share something with you MARKS - you SMART MARKS, 'cause you like that, don't you? You like it when us RASSLERS share things with ya! Every night I walk that aisle right there, I let you touch me, I talk to you in the hotels and the airports, and even though it makes me sick to my stomach that you used to watch me every Monday night, I'll still smile, and I'll sign for your snot-nosed bratty kids, I'll sign an autograph for 'em. Well, (screw all) your kids, and (screw) you, every single one of you here, every single one you out there in TV Land, (screw) y'all. I have fought for you, I have fought for this business, and frankly right now I don't give a rat's ass about any of ya. And I never will again. You guys are the one that are turncoats - you turn your back on us, when you take and you take and you take until there's nothing left to be given. Now I said I wanted to share something with ya, I'm gonna share it with ya - something happened earlier today with Terry Funk, and wait'll you see it - when you see it, you will know that I am dead serious, that I am dead serious that that man, Terry Funk, that old bag o' crap will never see another birthday! Now roll the footage, jackass."
"Earlier Today" footage shows Funk signing autographs for plants - I mean fans - Dustin walks up behind him and asks him to sign a photo for him - "Who do you want me to make it out to?" Then Rhodes breaks a glass AND a pitcher over his head, upturns a table, puts on the badmouth, then chairs the floor quite close to Funk - and now HE'S GOING FOR THE HOT COFFEE! Heenan helpfully offers "scalding hot coffee!" And now Funk is put through a table - well, it doesn't break, but you get the idea.
Back to the ring..."Now listen, as sad as that may be, what you guys should be doing is asking yourself 'Oh my God, is Terry Funk okay? Is he gonna have to go in an ambulance again? (audio edited) what's happening,' but what you're really saying is 'DAMN, I did not get my autograph, because you people (suck)! Throw all you want - you wanna come in the ring and try me, come on and get some!" Oh good, ENCOURAGE the throwing of trash. Anyway, TERRY FUNK is out and behind Rhodes, who's busy working a "fat boy" riff with a random audience member - WHACK! WHACK! Funk daring Rhodes to get up - WHACK! "This feud will NEVER end, Mike!" Make your own joke. WHACK! "Come on, get up, Rhodes! Every time you get up, I'm gonna knock you back down on your ass. Come on..." WHACK! "Get up you bastard! Get up! Come on!" Funk kicking him while he's down - Rhodes up again, WHACK. "Yer just like yer old man - he never was a wrestler and you weren't either. You don't BELONG in a wrestling ring! Come on, damn you..." and he tosses him through the ropes. Tell me something - is Funk the FACE here? Anyway, Funk is outside and pummelling away on Rhodes - he's going for the piledriver (!) but Rhodes revereses to a backdrop. Rhodes with a DDT on the floor! And it ain't over - Funk rolled back into the ring - Rhodes has the chair - and THE STICK. "YOU get up, you old piece o' (shit)!" WHACK! WHACK! WHACK! Funk swinging wildly, Rhodes NOT missing with the chair. Now laying into him with rights. SECURITY has *finally* decided to come out and separate the two men. Funk lays out a security guy with one punch, then goes back to Rhodes. The KO'd security guy has to pop up and get back in there, kinda killing the sell of the ... eh, but I'm being too hard on them. This wasn't that bad. But what about Rhodes talking to the smart marks?
Dustin Rhodes vs. Terry Funk - the graphic tells you it's taking place at UNcensored 2000! Sunday 19 March!
Gene O. stands with the Harris Brothers - they received the cement shoes from the Mamalukes but it doesn't affect them - when they're done taking care of business tonight, the "mooks" are gonna go down 1, 2, 3 to the H-bomb. Turning to Jeff Jarrett, Okerlund forgets there's no "T" in Booker. Jarrett says after the Harrisses take out Kidman and Booker, it'll be a little 3-on-1 action with Sid. There's another matter to take care of - Jarrett tells the ladies that there's one too many sets in the entourage, and one of the four ladies will get the axe tonight - "there isn't enough room on Air Force Chosen One" - and tonight, there'll be a competition to see who see who stays on - and who hits the bricks.
Buff Bagwell says that backyard wrestling sucks, or something to that effect.
Sid, Booker and Kidman talk strategy. Torrie sits nearby.
As we cut to 3 COUNT in the ring, we hear an off-camera voice say the strange word "Clear," and then laughter from the boys who don't mind unwittingly exposing the business. You know, this company spends countless, painstaking minutes blotting out offensive signs with such unfit words as "gay" and "sucks," and video distorting flipped birds, but has NO problem letting us here the "clear" cue with EVERY vignette. That's a free tip, WCW. USE IT. Case in point - a sign right behind the ring saying "ROGER SUCKS" gets video-distorted - first of all, why bother to video-distort when all you do is CALL ATTENTION to it, THEN don't bother to do a good enough job that anybody can figure out what the hell they were trying to block out anyway? ARRRRRRRRRRRRRGH. Anyway, 3 Count thanks their Hardcore fans (see, they won the title Monday - yeah, all of 'em - you figure it out), now let's hear some hardcore music! Of course, they play "Can't Get You Out of My Heart," which is decidedly NOT hardcore, but for a reason. Before we get too far with that, a voice cries out over the PA, and the bouncy happy music must mean it's BRIAN KNOBS come out to do a little shouting. After calling them "chumps" and "bozos," he and FIT FINLAY "bring out the dog." That guy looks a lot like REV. AL GREEN - whoops, Tenay just said it was, so there you go.
3 COUNT v. BRIAN KNOBS and FIT FINLAY & THE DOG in a hardcore six-man - Green wearing his orange and yellow camo. No opening bell as the Dog rushes all three of them. The "noisy logo of doom" tells us that "Uncensored Days Until 18" - umm, okay. Finlay and Knobs throw weapons into the ring and take care of Helms and Karagias as Dog throws them out while Dog works on Moore IN the ring. Dog with a press of Moore - then dropping him to the outside onto his partners. The prudes in Master Control get really worried about a "THE PACKAGE SUCKS" sign - Dog powerslams Helms through a table from the second turnbuckle for the pin. (Call it 2:02) I don't know about you, but I just CAN'T wait until that TREMENDOUS Dog vs. Cat feud!! Wow, I mean THINK about it - 48 hours of suspense...for *Al F'ing Green*. We cut away as Finlay goes for his leash again...mercifully...
Gene O. stands in the back with LA PARKA, dressed in blue and white. Dub away! "Yoyoyo, let me speak on this - the Chairman's in the hizzouse - once again the skull captain is large and in charge and ready to light someone up. Just call me butter, baby, 'cause I'm on a roll! You wanna talk about the man? Well you're LOOKIN' at the man! But just look, don't touch! And any fool that wants to get in my way gets two steel creases 'cross the top - you know the deal, one chairshot for me and one for my homiez. Now step off, Gene-o, 'cause the Chairman's about to call a meeting to order!" I blame WrestleLine readers for this segment. Gene furrows his brow...then remembers he has another assignment involving breasts...
WCW Superstar Series video ad - hey, now that I'M recapping this show, where's MY video luv from Mandalay? HAH?
TONIGHT: a graphic you've already seen before for a match you won't see for another 80 minutes!
Gene O., back in the NWO office, kicks off the first segment of the NWO Ladies competition - a spelling bee. The word is "synchronous," and (April?) starts spelling it in Spanish (sorta) - and gets buzzed. "Zephyr." Nope, took too long. The third word is "I" - "well, duh! 'I!'" Buzz, turns out they said "eye." Oops! The final women gets "rat," which she somehow manages to spell correctly. Just as well, she's the best lookin' one. Next up - a test of strength! Smells like fish - I mean RATINGS!
THE DEMON v. LA PARKA - what's that coming out of his mouth, Mae Young's afterbirth? Tenay says in his three years in WCW, La Parka has never seemed to have gotten his just due - then goes on to suggest that perhaps the brain trust just never knew what to do with him. Oh oh, Tenay trying to become his own man! Stop him! Demon attacks Parka in midpose, right, off the ropes, big back body drop, 2 count. Kick, kick, off the ropes, back elbow, double underhook, butterfly suplex - set up in the centre and he climbs the ropes - Parka over and crotching him (and almost falling to the floor, yikes - be careful, Demon!) Parka has his chair, setting it up in the middle, here's a chop - now on the top next to Demon, who is straddling the rope. That sign with "sucks" in it gets blotted out again. Demon with a few punches, then sending PARKA face-first into the chair. Demon hits his version of the People's Elbow (complete with giant pauses), then tries to go for the cobra clutch, but Parka's trick knee acts up. Climbing to the top, reverse corkscrew plancha gets the duke. (2:00) La Parka has a winning streak! Hope we don't job him out to the Wall next week!
Backstage, Nick Patrick wakes up Mark Johnson - before he goes back to school, his suspension is on hold for one night - Mickey J. wants another piece of him. "School? Hey! Whaddaya mean, back to school?"
Hungry for WCW action? Why wait? Saturday in Fayetteville, Sunday in Charlotte, tix on sale Friday for Johnstown, and Saturday for Nitro in Worcester, and Thunder in Durham!
1-800-CALL-ATT Cheap Bastard Road Report - Nitro hits the Deandome Monday!
Gene O. stands in the NWO dressing room - apparently, the first three ladies have all lost in an arm-wrestling contest off-camera against Jarrett and the Harrisses - time for #4, who gets to wrestle...Gene. Of course, she wins, 'cause Okerlund is well over a hundred. That's two out of two for girl #4. Gene says the swimsuit competition is next, then twirls his mustache. Does that make him a melodramatic heel?
Here's the graphic for the main event again - please don't change that channel!
Pre-recorded comments from (THIS IS) STING, in street clothes and sans makeup: "Luger, I'm back! I've been gone long enough, but I'm back and at UNcensored it's gonna be you and me - FOR THE LAST TIME!"
Package and Elizabeth are WALKING! Package decides to cut a li'l promo of his own. "Sting, you wanna piece of me, how 'bout a piece of this? (rattling chair) Watch what happens to Vampiro! ...right Liz?" "That's right." Still WALKING! because we haven't heard somebody say "clear" yet.
Meanwhile, Vampiro is also WALKING!
The TV-PG-DLV ratings box reappears as we see the KidCam catch up to Miss Handcock and Buff Bagwell - could tonight be the night Bagwell gets lucky? Buff tells her to hold that thought, he's got a big match tonight! Hey idiot, FORFEIT THE MATCH AND GET YOU SOME!
THE NARCISSIST (with Liz...and chair and bat) v. VAMPIRO - Let Us Take You Back to Last Week where Vampiro tapped out. Oh sure, they tell you the ref reversed the decision, but the picture is worth a thousand words, they say. Vampiro's music starts, then it stops and Package's music starts again - see, we haven't lit the pyro yet. Could they PLEASE stop passing out the drugs to the tech crew? Here comes the jobber - I mean Vampiro. Hey, been to the Misfits web site lately? Now maybe I'm just a guy writing for a website, but it SEEMS TO ME that a sign reading "THE PACKAGE SUCKS" just MIGHT serve to help to get him over as a heel, in a small way, to be sure, but hell, the guy probably spent a good five minutes making the thing, so why not just put it on camera already? Why bother with the video distortion? Why bother with splinters when you've still got the plank? When I get Biblical, it's time to stop talking about it. Into the corner, clean break? No, Package slaps him in the face. The evil logo flies in and reminds us that "UNCENSORED DAYS UNTIL 18!" Vampiro with a kick and a chop. Into the corner, followup lariat, double choke brings him to his feet - there's a beal - shoulderblock off the ropes. Now Vampiro slaps Package. Liz offers support. Vampiro ducks a clothesline and hits a spin kick. Package begging off - and taking his head into the corner - big backdrop suplex. Big choke on the second rope, then he sits on him. "Luger sucks" chant is muted because it's more important that you not hear the word "sucks" than perceive genuine crowd heat. Jesus Christ, what is Luger's motivation to get over if THEY'RE NOT GOING TO BROADCAST THE RESULTS? Package with big stomps. Blot out that sign! Package pushes Vampiro into the ropes, then drives a big elbow into his back as he backs into him. And now a second big elbow in the back. Into the ropes, big press slam. Package with a mocking Vampiro-esque head shake - a big one, even! Off the ropes, big bodyslam. Motioning for the Torture Rack - but Vampiro ducks out of the attempt and hits a spin kick off the ropes! Here's a flying clothesline off the top turnbuckle! Vampiro takes Package into the corner, into the opposite corner, then hits a bulldog! THE MAN is out with his Hulkster weight belt as Vampiro catches Package with a reverse mule enzuigiri - then over to the apron to crotch Flair by pulling up the second rope as he tries to enter. Standing side kick for Package, chop for Flair, clothesline for Package - referee "Blind" Billy Silverman trying REALLY hard to keep Flair away from the action, and missing Elizabeth whacking Vampiro with the baseball bat...and here's the Torture Rack. Vampiro gives it up...again. (5:31) Commentators try once again to sell a "boy, how impressive was Vampiro in the loss" groove, but the man LOST. AGAIN. Come on. Flair whips Vampiro with the Hulkster belt. Ring that bell! Package motions for the chair - it's time to Pillmanize the arm - crack. And then Elizabeth kicked Vampiro's ass! And then Silverman kicked his ass! And then the mayor of Fargo kicked his ass! But Vampiro LOOKED REALLY IMPRESSIVE!
Promotional consideration paid for by Slim Jim, America (ha!) Online, WCW Power Arms (black pride!), Jolly Time Blast'o'butter popcorn, Ice Sport from Aqua Velva, and Plus+White toothpaste
Castrol GTX provides a replay of Vampiro jobbing - 'cause we don't see Vampiro job EVERY week - oh, wait, we DO!
Backstage, Vampiro tells the EMT's to get the hell away from him - I guess he's worried he's gonna job to them or something. Suddenly, Fit Finlay punks him out - and I didn't even make this one up! Fit Finlay is kicking his ass up and down and all around!
MICKIE JAY v. MARK JOHNSON - Good God, they spell his name THAT way? Let Us Take You Back Two Weeks to the first clash between these two in a match that proved that a match isn't as nice as when we have to see it twice. Jay is out to the Thunder theme, while Johnson is out to the NWO porno theme, wearing a Jarrett shirt and carrying a miniature gee-tar. This must be one of those DUD matches I always hear about. WHEN REFS COLLIDE! Referee "Blind" Nick Patrick is content to show blatant favoritism - or perhaps classic referee ineptitude - by actually *checking Johnson's hair*. No, wait, Jay says Johnson is pulling HIS hair, then when Patrick goes to check, Jay slugs him with the closed fist. Jay all over him. Blot out that "sucks" sign! Johnson sidesteps a charge to take control. All over him with rights and lefts. You can actually hear pins dropping in the arena. Whatever happened to Jimmy Jett? Whatever happened to Scott Dickenson? Proving that you can never let a classic ending die without repeating it a few times, Patrick plays the part of Randy Anderson to Jay's David Flair, passing the international object to Jay to load up his fist and KO Johnson's Eric Bischoff- 1, 2, 3. (1:40) No, wait, perhaps Patrick remembered when Jimmy Jett gave the roll of coins to Randy Anderson so that he could get reinstated...oh wait, continuity is a bitch, ain't it? It was a roll of quarters tonight, we see, as Jay unrolls the quarters and drops them on Johnson's corpse. Now, what did this segment accomplish? Well, it took a couple minutes out of the second hour...
The Wall is WALKING!
Menawhile, the Badlanders are WALKING! Crowbar takes on the Wall, the graphic tells us - NNNNNNNEXT!
This Week in WCW Motorsports, Blaise Alexander raced at "the Rock" - Rockingham Speedway, who you MIGHT be interested to know was the most recent holder of the "therock.com" domain until the WWF bought it from them. I was always sad that I never got the chance to make fun of these segments, 'cause they don't have 'em during Nitro - no code words for how he placed, as the announcer only tells us that he got "that all-important finish!" Notice how they can't even use the Star of David logo, 'cause no one can figure out what it is! In other news, WCW sponsors Wally Dallenbach for five races! (Well, Turner anyway). Next week, Vegas! And a Nitro monster truck drives around! Thanks, Advanced Auto Parts - the best part IS your people!
Still to come: that same graphic!
Gene O. back in the NWO office bring son the third contest - the swimsuit contest! Clad in bikinis, we take a gander at all four from the waist up - I guess legs aren't TV-PG. The envelope please...ahh, NOW we pan back to check out the gams. Turns out that the winner of THIS contest is...go figure, #4. Still, I admire the women that stuck their numbers directly onto their breasts. Anyway, it's 3 points for #4, and zero for the other three. Hmmm....something's up...
CROWBAR (with David Flair & Daffney Unger) v. THE WALL - Time to say something controversial - I know you've been waiting, so here I go: "You know what the difference is between Daffney and Woman? WOMAN HAS A SMALLER ASS." Now Woman, THERE was a screamer.. Crowbar with two rights before he gets in the ring - and a pescado! Still punching away, head to the barricade, head to the apron, but Wall gets a boot up to stem the tide. Pressing him - through the ropes (oh well). Crowbar kicks away as Wall comes in - off the ropes, reversed, big boot from the Wall. Flair in, Flair down with a chokeslam, nice to see ya, David. Flair thrown out, but Wall ends up going over the top as Crowbar pulls the rope while ducking the charge. Crowbar with a semi-baseball slide dropkick as he ends up going THROUGH the ropes instead of under them. Chair coming up - WHACK! Stomp, on the apron, BIG SPLASH TO THE FLOOR! Stomp, rolling in to break the count and arguing with referee "Blind" Billy Silverman. Wall shakes it off and comes back into the ring - but Crowbar heads him off before he walks over the ropes - right, right, ready to suplex him in but Wall hooks the rope - front suplex counter instead. Wall onto the second rope, Crowbar dropkicks him to the apron, right, right, right, Crowbar goes outside and runs the apron - but Wall catches him in a choke - he's looking at the commentary team - points - holy shit! CHOKESLAM THROUGH THE COMMENTARY TABLE FROM THE APRON! Silverman calls for the bell (DQ? 2:49) as Heenan checks on Crowbar - "we need some help down here..." we go to break, cutting off Tenay in mid-sentence.
"Beyond the Mat" ad - hey WWF, you don't ALWAYS have to be a control freak. It's a LITTLE disconcerting that the last shot we see in this ad is Darren Drozdov walking out for a match, though...
Goldberg eats SPREE!
"Moments Ago" footage shows Crowbar being fitted with the neck brace and the back board being prepared. The commentators have no monitors and don't know when they're on the air.
Cutting back to "live" footage, we see Crowbar being wheeled out on a gurney. Here's a replay of the chokeslam. Here's another one. Wow, the prodcution guys must have put away the drugs, 'cause here's a THIRD - a FOURTH angle of this chokeslam. See what they have the *potential* to deliver to us every week, on every show? Do you NOW understand why I get so FRUSTRATED when they don't live up to this potential?
Here's a Special Video Look at Hulk Hogan and Team Package. Yapapa!
Gene O. stands with Sid Vicious, Booker and Billy Kidman - Kidman speaks of the Harris Boys jumping him from behind - "you know, I heard that about them..." That last H-bomb was a wakeup call - next time he's in the ring with Booker, he wants him on HIS side. Booker says the differences are squashed to get their hands on Chrome Dome 1 & 2. "With Big Sid ridin' in the back seat, we gon' go out here, we gon' roll over these guys, just like a Mack Truck, now can u dig that?" "See to me it's like a homecomin', brotha! You 'n' me, one more time! 'cause it's been a long time since we been togetha, and now we takin' Billy Kidman for the ride to the top! See, you guys gotta remember something - we gonna kick y'alls ass tonight, but you Jeff Jarrett (whispers) I haven't forgot you, and at UNcensored, I will see you in the (sound effects drown him out) HAHAHA!"
Ric Flair is WALKING! The graphic says he and Bagwell are NEXT!
"Positively Page" promo
Don't forget, there's wrestling on Saturdays! WCW SATURDAY NIGHT - ON TBS!
Tonight, still to come: if you haven't had this graphic burned into your retina, you haven't been watching!
In the NWO office, Gene checks the tally - while there is a clear-cut winner, there is no clear-cut loser! Jarrett says the only way to settle the competition is "on looks." "Do you think we can put a little makeup on before the final decision?" "Absolutely!" The other three douse #4 in baby powder and mess up her hair. Jarrett says "we got us a clear-cut loser! Honey, you look like hell - she's out!"
Meanwhile, Crowbar is loaded into the ambulance. Tenay says there are a lot of people who have used the chokeslam over the years, but in his thirty years of watching wrestling, he's NEVER seen one as devastating as that one. Well, now you're laying it on a bit thick, Mike. For an encore, Heenan says Crowbar was "gurgling" too many times. Still, even this overkill by the commentators shouldn't detract from the fact that it was a HELL of a spot.
BUFF IS THE STUFF v. THE MAN - so, is Bagwell a face now, or what? Playing to the fans, it's hard to tell that everybody backstage keeps turning this guy down...but, hell, CONTINUITY - frick it! Flair carries the weight belt as the commentators again try to shine up Vampiro (who lost). Not that you asked, but I'd rather see Flair without a shirt than Hogan without a shirt. Bagwell starts some rhythmic clapping, then poses, then windmills and poses again. The flying logo once again interrupts to remind us that only UNcensored days until 18. Lockup, side headlock from Flair, powered out, shoulderblock by Flair, off the ropes, leapfrog, drop toehold by Bagwell, going to put on the figure four - aww, man, Flair has to HELP HIM put it on?? Come ON, Bagwell. Flair makes it to the bottom rope. Right, into the opposite corner, biiiiiig back bodydrop. Right hand by Bagwell, right, right, right, right. Flair begs off - Bagwell on the second rope with the Ten Punch Count Along - make that a Nineteen Punch Count Along. 90% more ego! FLAIR FLOP!! Flair gets in a shot as Bagwell walks in on him - off the ropes, hiptoss blocked, Bagwell tries a backslide, but Flair rolls through after 1. Bagwell with the rights again - Flair ducks between the ropes, Bagwell comes over and Flair's trick knee acts up. Here's a Golota for good measure. Tenay intimates that referee "Blind" Charles Robinson is looking the other way because it's Flair - that kind of continuity will make my HEAD explode, Mike. I sure miss Heenan on Nitro, by the way. Into the corner, knife-edge chop. Right hand, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, blatant choke, pelvic thrust for the crowd. Flair with the knife-edge chop, Bagwell fires back, back and forth we go, now it's Bagwell with rights and lefts, a KO punch, into the corner, and a back bodydrop coming out. Buff poses, kicks, into the opposite corner, FLAIR FLIP!! Bagwell with a joke of a clothesline that nonetheless Flair sold like a champ out on the apron. The way Bagwell's going, I have to think that Flair is getting his win back here tonight. Poke to the eyes by Flair - Flair climbing the ropes. THAT MOVE NEVER WORKS! Bagwell over, sure enough - SUPERPLEX! Both men are down, though, and now we see THE NARCISSIST & LIZ walk out with the bat - Bagwell hits the Buff Blockbuster (sorta) and Robinson looks around for Liz - and finds her. Package in with the bat - right between the eys! Flair dragged on top - Robinson back around and counting him down - 1, 2, 3. (5:13) Heenan: "Ric did it the hard way - he EARNED it!" Team Package hits the ring - batter up! Package with a bat shot, and now Flair whips him with the weight belt - hey! CURT HENNIG running out to make the save - and cleaning house! You see, Hennig remembers the good times, back when he and Bagwell were in the NWO...well, probably not, but still, why NOT push Hennig as a face? I can't complain about that.
The NWO - what's left of it, anyway - are WALKING!
Meanwhile, Sid, Billy and Booker are also WALKING!
Promotional consideration paid for by WCW Powerslam Wrestlers, Mega-16 appetite control pills, Sauder office furniture, Hot Pockets from Hot Pockets, Ice Sport from Aqua Velva (again), and Frank's Red Hot sauce. In that Mega-16 spot, the chick with the big hips - is she, like, dunking that drumstick into that jar of mayo? What's the deal with those props? Doesn't that disturb anybody else? (No, you're probably more disturbed by the guy playing the guitar in the Frank's Red Hot ad leering at the underage chick ruffling her skirt next to him, aren't you - hell, YOU probably go make a snack or go to the bathroom during these ads! Well, not me! THERE MUST BE A PERMANENT RECORD!!!!!!)
Sting might not be wrestling - but he STILL carries the power of the card. Is it still a "new" WCW logo if it's like almost eleven months old?
Closed captioning where available sponsored by MEINEKE! Trust George!
"Earlier Tonight," the Wall chokeslammed Crowbar through a table - there will be an update on his condition on Saturday Night. Geez, Bobby, stop it with the "gurgling" shit already. Hey, wouldn't it be something if Crowbar woke up and remembered he was Devon Storm?
Your main event graphic for UNcensored is Jeff Jarrett and Sid Vicious!
Backstage, a voice yells out "mark" as we take a look at the losing woman, who is crying. Buff Bagwell happens upon her and asks what's up? She says that "the NWA - O - turned me down." Retakes are EXPENSIVE! Bagwell asks her to come with him, HE'LL cheer her up. How...does he have a straight friend?
After two false starts of Jarrett's music and (of course) the offstage voice intoning the magic word "clear!" it's time for the main event...
JEDOUBLEF JADOUBLEREDOUBLET & HARRIS BROS (with six - err, three ladies) v. SID VICIOUS & BOOKA & BILLY KIDMAN (without Torrie Samuda) - Jarrett sends the girls away, just in case they have designs on of triggering some RATINGS. Everybody do the "Wonder Twin Powers - Activate" with the Champion! Booker and Jarrett start, lockup, side headlock by Booker, Jarrett powers out, Booker knocks him down, off the ropes, up and over, hiptoss by Booker, scoop - and a slam, Jarrett to the eyes and tags out. NOW BLOT OUT THAT "THE PACKAGE SUCKS" SIGN!! Punch, punch, off the ropes, duck, flying jalapeno by Booker, tagging in Kidman. Off the ropes, reversed, flying headscissors take over by Kidman, dropkick, dropkick MISSES and Don tags in Ron. Drop toehold by Kidman! Off the ropes, dueling hiptoss attempts, Kidman puts a leg across the back of the neck and gets flippy-flippy, but Ron TAKES OFF HIS HEAD with the clothesline. Tag to Don, powerslam, tag to Jarrett. Crowd chanting "Sid." Dropped across the second rope, Jarrett tries a Bossman straddle but Kidman gets out of the way and Jarrett feels it in a sensitive area. Jarrett wanders into a Vicious choke, but Don walks over and breaks it up. Referee "Blind" Nick Patrick works at keeping Vicious and Booker from getting into the ring while Jarrett punches away on Kidman. Off the ropes, duck, sleeper! Kidman turns in, off the ropes, sleeper of his own, JARRETT slips out, Kidman sidesteps a charge, ducks a clothesline on the apron from Don, crawls between the legs of Ron and tags BOTH his partners! Sid in and pounding on Jarrett, off the ropes, big boot, Booker with a Harlem sidekick to EACH Harris, Vicious has Jarrett up - chokeslam! Booker clearing the ring of Harrisses while Vicious hits the BLOTTED OUT SIGN MILLENNIUM BOMB! Booker covers - 1, 2, Patrick pulled outside by the Harrisses! Kidman to the top rope while Booker suffers a Golota from Ron Harris - Jarrett ducks Kidman's missile dropkick and he ends up taking out Booker *uh oh!* - Ron takes out Kidman with a lariat while Jarrett covers Booker - 1, 2, 3. (3:15) WOW! JUST OVER *THREE* MINUTES!!!! For an encore, Kidman gets an H-bomb for his troubles. The Harrisses work on Vicious as his partners are kicked outside - Vicious catches them in a double choke off the ropes, though - but Jarrett is back with his silver gee-tar - KABONG! Credits are up and we're out - early?
Ahhh, it's so we can sneak in an ad for WCW Saturday Night, followed by City Slickers! It may get the lowest ratings, but it's the best WCW program out there!
Hey, but THIS show - wasn't really all that bad. I'm thinking Scott picked the wrong week to quit, but maybe I just got lucky. I'd say something about the lack of promised bodybuilder footage, but I didn't really WANT to see that, so they get a pass on that.
Back in 24! Send me presents and love! AND don't forget to MAKE MINE NET--no, wait.