And rather than whine about the mathematical inaccuracies of a commentator's assertions concerning the devastating power of the H-Bomb, why not just pray every time that, just once, it actually DOES destroy everything in a twenty foot radius. That's what I do.

Hey now, that wasn't WHINING. When I WHINE, you'll KNOW it, baby! Still, another fine specimen of intellectual prowess - bravo.

WCW logo - it's all downhill from here

TV-PG-DLV Opening Credits closed captioned - huh, more Oklahoma than Hogan in these credits, yup - hey, you know who appears in these credits as much as Hogan - that is to say, not at all? That's right...THE WALL

LIGHT THE PYRO, baby - we are ON TAPE 8.3.2K (taped 7.3) from the Joel Colesium in Winston-Salem, NC - home of Wake Forest - and I don't know about the weather in YOUR neck of the woods, but on my television screen - on TBS - there's definitely a strong chance of THUNDER!

CRUISERWEIGHT TITLE: THE ACRONYM (with Paisley) v. PSYCHOSIS (with de Juice) - Champ enters first because tradition blows. Let Us Take You Back to Monday where the Artists interrupted Psychosis' match - they don't bother to mention the opponent, so I won't either. Hey, speaking of things you heard Monday, let's hear Juventud Guerrera again: "Finally de Juice is back in town, baby - and he's back in town because there's millions and millions of Juice's fans all around the world - and they are waiting for me - they are waiting for la vida loca - so tonight, like you know, I'm gonna be the announcer, okay?" - Tenay protests but Guerrera tries to win the crowd over by asking "who wants to live la vida loca?" The crowd goes - well...I don't know. "Joo got something better than de Juice?" Tenay says, why yes, we do...and out comes RAYMOND STEREO - hey! Mysterio's back in the house! He comes out to "Psycho," so I guess Konnan's still around, too... SOMEWHERE. Mysterio makes a politically incorrect gesture towards Paisley on his way to the third headset, but you can do that when you have job security, I guess. "After three knee surgeries, but you know what? The faith is still with little Rey Rey - the doctor's said three months; let's hope it's sooner." Mysterio says that although the belt is on the line tonight, really it's still his. Rey puts over Guerrera as well as Psychosis, and not the current champion - ha! Psychosis commanding this match from before the bell - dropkick off the top...2 count from referee "Blind" Charles Robinson. To the abdominal stretch! Feel the crowd's energy! (Perhaps I'm exaggerating it.) Artist breaks it up by pulling the referee into Psychosis - heads collide and everybody's down but the champion. After his opponent lifts him up, Psychosis goes behind, foot caught, Psychosis hits a victory roll, but Robinson's out - so Guerrera comes in and counts three. Psychosis, thinking he's won, breaks the hold and raises his arms. Robinson comes to, calls for the bell and announces that he's actually DQ'ing Iaukea so it didn't matter what happened after the collision. So Psychosis is still the winner - but he doesn't get the belt. Everyone's confused, but the truth is YOU CAN'T GET ACTION LIKE THIS ANYWHERE ELSE!! (DQ 3:00) The music of the loser plays, because it's all about logic. It's gonna be one of THOSE nights, eh?

This portion of Thunder is brought to you by Castrol GTX - DRIVE HARD!

Your commentary team is MIKE TENAY, BOBBY HEENAN and RAYMOND STEREO. Tonight, graphic say: Jeff Jarrett and Vampiro in a return match for the US title - I predict Vampiro will job! Also tonight, in a tag team elimination match, the Mamalukes put it on the line against three other teams: Harlem Heat, Billy Kidman & Booker, and the Harris Brothers! We'll hear more from the Team Package situation, maybe, as well...Mysterio offers his hand to Heenan one more time - and Heenan fakes him out. Even Mysterio is impressed with my main man, the Brain, and his amazing moves of heeldom.

Backstage, Bam Bam Bigelow and the Badlanders - ARRIVE! Bigelow tells David Flair and Crowbar that he's really sorry about what's happened to them, and it's his fault the Wall has become what he's become. BUT! He's gonna try to make things right - TONIGHT!

Meanwhile, Total Package tells Ric Flair that Arn Anderson is dead weight. He refers to "last night," forgetting they're on tape for the NEXT night. Anyway, Flair says he'll get Arn Anderson out there tonight, and Anderson WILL become a part of Team Package - 'cause he's a player!

THE DEMON v. IDOL (with Lane) - Demon has a bit of trouble emerging from his casket - after-effects, perhaps, of the spot welding done by Those Two Dudes? Tonight - WHEN "INSPIRED BY METAL" NAMES COLLIDE! Let Us Take You Back to Monday for a microsecond of the welding, and a bit more of Demon saving Smiley from the No-Names at Nitro. On his way to the ring with his brother - they ARE still brothers, right? - Lane says, referring to a comely young lass in the front row, "Now this is (a rat!)" and YOU tell ME why ANYBODY would EVEN bother to mute the word "rat." Lane takes third headset (oops, guess Mysterio was only out for the first segment) and says "rizzat" (which doesn't get muted), then says that Miss Handcock won't be interrupting the match tonight - sure enough, as MISS HANDCOCK comes out, Lane takes her hand...and leads her away from the table. Back in the ring to see Idol pounding on the Demon, gutshot, snap suplex - usually he holds onto those for a triple - head to the buckle, into the opposite corner, powerslam gets 2 from referee "Blind" Billy Silverman. Into the ropes, reversed, Idol ducks and hits a nice DDT. Now Handcock is up on the apron and beckoning to Idol with the finger. She plants the Greco-Roman liplock on him! Idol is confused - and Demon comes up from behind to hit his "Beth." And that's enough to keep Idol down for the count. (2:13) Of course, Demon wins - he's the GOD OF THUNDER!! Post-match, Lane is in and attacking from behind - there's Memory Lane! Tenay is THE MAN for remembering to call the full-nelson slam that. DDT by Idol. Before this post-match doubleteam can continue, out comes SCREAMIN' BLACK MAGIC, clad in Wake Forest basketball jersey - a pair of clotheslines! Swoop slam on Idol! He's ready to dance, but Lane punks him out from behind. Sent into the corner - all fours assisted legwhip! Smiley's music plays - then they realise he's out on his back, so they play Lane and Idol's instead. As Idol and Lane start to bust some moves of their own, Tenay says it's time to go to Mean Gene...

...who isn't with Curt Hennig. Oh well. Hennig displays some doctor's orders - he can't wrestle tonight, but while the Total Package may get a night off tonight, but he'll be ready Monday to expose Luger for what he is - a jump back, cheap shot, nothing happening bodybuilder, who he's gonna take out. I don't know about you, but I'm actually willing to give this one a try - after all, we never got that whole WrestleMania X situation resolved...REMEMBER?

Meanwhile, Bam Bam is WALKING! And repeatedly muttering "gotta make this right...he's snapped..."

Buff Bagwell crusades against the evils of backyard wrestling.

Local spot for AT&T Cable hypes ECW Living Dangerously - SUNDAY SUNDAY SUNDAY!

At UNcensored, the graphic tells us, the World's Heavyweight Title will be at stake as "Reigning Champion" Sid Vicious takes on Jeff Jarrett!

Backstage, Jeff Jarrett asks the Harrisses how jail was. They lost two days, but they're ready to take their revenge by grabbing some gold tonight...

TRIPPA B is out. Man, is that arena DARK. Let Us Take You Back to Nitro where Bigelow accosted Wall - and got punked out for his troubles. With one punch, even! Let's listen in, shall we? "thank you, thank you. Now, I'm not the type of person who comes out here and spills his guts - I'm usually a man of action; I do most of my talking in the ring. But lately, in the past week, things have been going down that I just can't - I can't - I can't stomach it no more. First, awright, first let me bring out two guys - (can I get some chairs up here please) - let me bring out two guys who deserve a lot of credit - that are some of the toughest SOB's in the company today!" The music fires up and the BADLANDERS limp out - surprisingly, NOT carrying a flag and fife despite the characteristic cartoonish stagger. Bigelow gives a look of concern and helps part the ropes for Flair and Crowbar - and even for Daffney! Each man takes a chair in the ring while Daffney stands behind them. "Crowbar - you came out to have a match against a man that you would thought would be just a match, but instead, to be grabbed by the throat and launched ten, twelve feet in the air - to have your body smashed through the announcers table - you're lucky you're alive. You could have ruined your career. And then David, David Flair, sticks up for his partner, his buddy, he goes chest to chest with a monster! To have the same result - to be grabbed by the neck and n--be tossed up in the air and have his body smashed through two tables! Thank God you're all right. But you see - naww, this is all my fault! This is all my fault! I take the blame for all this, because I am the one that broke the Wall into the business - I am responsible for teaching him how to wrestle, for bringing him here into WCW...I am responsible, you know, this is a man that I thought was my friend, hell, he's the godfather of my youngest daughter! You guys are tough, man, and - you know what, the Wall isn't man enough to come out here and apologise so please - accept my apology - honest, this is all my fault. This is my fault - I'm really sorry - somebody could have got hurt really bad, and I apologise for that." So he bought his ticket to Germany, too? Anyway, THE WALL is out, without music - into the ring, standing toe to toe with Bigelow - wow! A right for Bigelow, and a clothesline to the floor. Then he puts a boot to Crowbar on the chair (ha!) and a right hand for Flair. He's outside - and now he's got a table! Bigelow's head is rammed into the apron - Bigelow decides to get onto the apron - bad idea - Wall meets him up there, and puts him in a choke - then (after an audible count to three) chokeslams him through the table! Now going in the ring - Flair brandishing his weapon, but Wall blocks the crowbar shot and headbutts him - then he removes the neck brace and lays into him with a right. Crowbar tries swinging the chair, but he's got no strength. HE eats a punch, then a choke as his neck brace is wrenched off. Punching away - CHOKESLAM! Flair out on the apron - got him in ANOTHER choke - pushed backwards into Bigelow on the floor. Wall walks off. Play his music!

These "Truth" ads are kinda fun, actually - if you're my age, it's kinda nostalgic - remember when we would try to figure out if an ad is fake or not? Like that Energizer bunny would show up sooner or later...only HERE it's people exploding instead. Pretty cool. And those ads are designed by young adults just like you'n'me! Well....you, actually. I think I'm too old to qualify. Sigh.

Superstar Video series ad. Mandalay hates me

TONIGHT: Jarrett vs. Vampiro! Second time for this graphic!

Castrol Motor Oily provides a replay of the Wall - doing that stuff he did three paragraphs ago

Back to real time - Flair and Crowbar are loaded up by the EMT's. The problem with all this is that they peaked with the first chokeslam of Crowbar - the way to build around spots is that each spot looks better than the last, and not the reverse - you know? Possibly coincidentally, the best spot in TONIGHT'S segment was the chokeslam...of Crowbar.

Hulk Hogan provides pre-recorded comments - it's really VERY embarrassing for him as he screams "whatcha gonna do" over and over while strapping the floor. Do you suppose Hogan ever WATCHES himself? Of course, he shows no effects of the broken, yet castless, arm while using the strap. Sigh.

THE 'STRO (with Symphony) v. THE CAT (with Funk On Ah Roll) - Maestro has his "haven't slept in a week" hairdo. The music guy tries to stop 'stro from speaking, but Cat's music cuts off so Maestro DOES get to call himself "'stro" for my benefit and for an encore predict a swift victory, or something. That annoying, NOISY logo flies in and reminds us all that "UNcensored DAYS UNTIL 11!" Cat uses devious means as well as surreptitious chokes with the red slipper to gain the control, despite apparently being the face in this matchup, but the tide is turned when a pop'n'lock elbowdrop misses. Terribly ugly backdrop attempt sees 'stro fall flat on his face instead of flipping over. Cat steals the boombox from Symphony and breaks it over the Maestro's head - and since Maestro shoved him into the ropes, referee "Blind" Nick Patrick ends up staring off into the crowd with his back to the action here - ugh. 1, 2, 3. (1:30) Cat dances, while Maestro glowers at his valet...

Backstage, Vampiro prowls, then flings an empty Gatorade cooler, swipes at some cups, and THEN - oh man, are you ready for this? He says......NOTHING! THIS MAN IS A SUPERSTAR!

WOW!

Friday, be first in line to buy tickets for WCW Chattanooga, Huntsville, and Denver for Nitro! Saturday, tix go on sale for Colorado Springs for Thunder, and Sioux Falls! Checking out their schedule, it appears that WCW is (wisely) not returning to California until at least July...poor me! Lucky YOU!

They've played this Finish Line commercial like three times this hour - ENOUGH!

Jimmy Barron files the same 1-800-CAL-LATT Road Report he filed on Monday - what a cheap AND LAZY bastard. Hyatte, I expect you to attend Nitro (for free, mind you) and TAKE A FUN SIGN else I'll have nothing to talk about!! Hey, you think they'll visit the Friendly Tap during Nitro? Nah, me neither

At UNcensored, the graphic says Dustin Rhodes vs .Terry Funk. But my heart says "time to go to the bathroom, then fix a snack! Better wash my hands between the toilet and the stove!"

Backstage, Vampiro gets one more chance - and this time, he speaks! He's *not* a freak, BUT THEY'VE GOT HIM TRAPPED IN THE CELLAR LIKE A RAT IN A CAAAAAAGE! He barely avoids repeatedly running into the TV-PG-DLV ratings box - is Jarrett worried that he sees himself in hiiiiiiiiiiiiim? Huh? Also, he's apparently got Fit Finlay, no holds barred, at UNcensored. Vampiro closes by saying something about hell - I feel you, yo. I feel you.

GENE O. works tonight! He stands with Lash LeRoux, who's just happy to be here. After sucking up to the fans, Dustin Rhodes makes a shocking appearance and FLATTENS him.

They wander out and meet referee "Blind" Charles Robinson on the way down the aisle - I guess this is now an "unscheduled" match...

LASH LeROUX v. DUSTIN RHODES - Tenay says it isn't on his format, but I bet that deep down, it is, really. LeRoux manages to come back with a crossbody for 2, right, right, off the ropes, big back body drop, right, Six Punch Count Along in the corner, but as he turns to Robinson, Rhodes goes down low to turn the momentum. Big beal, right, into the corner hard, into the opposite corner, the bulldog, and the pin. (1:10) Post-match, TERRY FUNK comes out, swinging - a frozen chicken. We need Jim Ross here - "Chicken! Chicken! Chicken!" Funk wraps his fist in the chicken and hits a salmonella left (feel free to steal that one, Mr. Icon). Funk gets muted several times - now Rhodes comes back with - yup - a Golota - boot to the head, pound, right, kick, RHODES ELBOWDROPS THE CHICKEN! Now swinging the chicken - roundhouse drumstick, shake and bake right cross, right hand with the Colonel's Secret Blend of Eleven Herbs and Spices - now they're outside the ring and brawling out through the crowd. Just as it gets interesting (Funk ripping apart the fence of the bleachers), the director decides we'd rather see

Team Package - is - WALKING!

Later tonight: third time for the graphic!

And now it's time for the THUNDER RINGSIDE RELEASE! TBS Superstation presents a SuperStation Original Movie - WOW! Ernie Hudson AND Jack Wagner! "Allllllll IIIIIIIII neeeeeeeeeeeeeeeed..." c'mon, sing it with me! "is just a little more time / to be sure / what I feeeeeeeeeeeeeeel / isn't all in my mind / 'cause it SEEMS so hard to be lieeeeeeeeeeve / that you're all I-I ne-ee-eed" "Nowhere to Land" - heh, shoulda called it "Nowhere to Find a Viewer"

Oh, and BY THE WAY...did that brawl with the chicken make you more likely to want to *pay money* to see Funk and Rhodes at UNcensored? Hey, Greg, you think we should stop joking about it - because THIS could be the escalation to a "turkey on a pole" match that we've been worried about? Hah? THINK ABOUT IT.

At UNcensored, the graphic tells us that we'll get Hulk Hogan vs. Ric Flair!

Out come TEAM PACKAGE - and while they traverse the aisle, we take a Special Video Look at them instead of seeing them hit the ring. Why? 'cause they had the clip, I guess. Who wants to stare at Elizabeth's headlights in that - mmm - yellow top - yeah, go ahead and show me Hogan's arm getting broken again instead of that. Clip's over, we seem them in the ring when we come back. Flair is ready ... to speak! "Ahhh, Winston-Salem! Tar'd, tar'd old Winston-Salem - I'd like you to all stand at attention tonight, recognise the fact that Team Package has been formed. And whether you like it or you don't like it, learn to love it - you too, fat boy - because, as you can see, wooo! it's the best thing going today. We know, beyond the shadow of a doubt that the Package will destroy Sting at UNcensored. We know, beyond the shadow of a doubt that the Nature Boy will destroy Hulkamania once and forever. But the crux of this evening's interview is my attempt to make an apology to the greatest physical specimen in sports today. Arn Anderson, Double A, I would like you to come out here, subservient one more time to the Nature Boy, apologise for making me look bad, and tell the Package you're - with - Team Package - and you shut up, fat boy. Double A - Double A, will you please come out here and tell the Total Package that you are a player, you're ready to rock and roll? Aw, thank God - come in here! Come on - you were making me look bad, now get in and shake hands, willy? Told ya - told ya he'd come out. Thank you very much." ARN ANDERSON *is* out and in the ring. "Let me start off here, ah, Ric, by ...clearing out something - did you say out here 'subservient' to you? See, I - I've stood beside you so long, that maybe I forgot to stand up to ya - I'm not subservient to anybody...let's get that started right out of the chute. Now, there's some familiar faces for both you and I, so let's don't talk AT these people, let's just talk TO 'em, and each other, 'cause this is, after all, about you and I...not him and her...idn't it?" "You don't want to just shake hands and jump over here - there's nothing to talk about! You gonna do what I ask you to do 'cause you're my friend - my best friend. You're gonna come over here and prove I'm not a liar! Now shake his hand, dammit. Don't make a fool outta me!" "Well, governor, it - it kinda goes like this. You ARE my best friend, and you brought me out here, so I'm gonna say a few things to you that you might not like, but you're gonna hear me out - this time. You see, Ric Flair, you got a 21 year old son, and maybe that doedn't matter to you, but Monday night was his 21st birthday. Now, you and I have up and down these roads, and we've been to towns just like this for the last fifteen years. You live in a million and a half dollar house, ya got two Mercedes, ya got boats, ya got motorcycles, ya got a bunch of money in the bank, ya got a closet full of the the finest clothes that money can buy, but the reality of it is, Ric - you and I are not very good fathers, and we're not very good husbands, 'cause last year, 200 of those days, we were up and down these roads. But you got a chance with David, who's with you each and every day ...to be a father, because you see, three years ago this ended for me - it's over for me! It's OVER. And it's gonna be over for you soon - guys like David are just beginning. For him to get half killed Monday night - you not to make a move - again tonight - not to make a move - do you realise the pressure that he's under alone, just being your kid? How would you like to be Ric Flair's kid, the finest wrestler that ever lived, much less the strongest personality that's walking these streets - you realise what a pressure position he's under? Listen to 'em, Ric - they love ya! I've spent a lifetime idolising ya, but now I'm not standing beside ya - I'm standing up to you because, you know why? David can't. Now you got Luger standing beside you, who we've known for a long time - Luger was a Horseman - Luger's always been an egomanic, it doesn't detract from what he is...he's one of the finest wrestlers alive. We know that! I know that. Everybody in the back knows that. But the fact is - Luger cares about Luger. It doesn't matter about David - it doesn't about you, even matter about you, Ric - it's about Luger and Team Package - it's not Team Flair, it's Team Package! You ever think about that? Team Package. You're Ric Flair, by God! You understand what I'm saying to you? You're Ric Flair! And David Flair is your son. Don't give him a handout, Ric, give him a hand up. Be a man...be a father!" "You know what really hurts about this deal? Did you read the foreword on your book? Did you read what I told the world? My best friend - that's between you and me! They don't need to know what goes on in our private life - that's you and me! And here's the difference - you decided to go home - on a private conversation with me one night, and raise your little boy. Me - I wanna ride the Lear jet! I wanna hang around Luger - I wanna stay all night _ I don't wanna go home - I've raised - four kids! I'm DONE being Daddy! I wanna ride fast again. I tried slowin' down - when I slowed down, this company kicked me in the ass - right in the ass. So, to this company, and to you, I say...in your words, Ric Flair has strapped his jet-pack back on and I'm goin' all the way - and if it's with Team Package...forget about David! God, you're right - he IS my son! And you know what? He's had the world by the ass for 21 years... now he's gotta, what do you call it - (suck up), stand up, be a man - me, I'm going with the Package, and YOU - as my friend - telling you - walk over here right now, and don't make me look bad! You're making me mad. ... You're Double A! Don't go home and be Daddy anymore! Be the Enforcer! Be Double A! C'mon! Show 'im - I told 'im - show 'im! You're Double A - shut up, dammit! That's Double A! ... You're Double A!" "Here's the reality - you bet your backside, I'm Double A and I got maybe one or two good fights left in me...but the fact is, Ric, I'm reserving those fights for when I select 'em because, in the good old days, I'd have walked right over Luger to get to a better fight...you understand what I'm saying?" He backs up, Ric is audibly pleading. "Naitch, you promised you'd deliver Double A. I see his lips movin', but all I see coming out is a buncha misty-eyed gibberish! And there's no room in that for you and I and Elizabeth - where we're going - but - I'm giving it - ONE - MORE CHANCE. Because I'm gonna be there Monday night - to take out - (removes shirt) to take out Curt Hennig - once and for all [at this point, a "Luger sucks" chant is overdubbed - Jesus, WCW] - but Naitch - this is two strikes - three strikes, he's out - and as much as I love ya, YOU'RE out. Monday night's decision time - do you run with this, a Ferrari - or do you run with that, a broken-down pickup truck. You make up your mind, I'm outta here." Luger and Elizabeth leave Flair in the ring. He turns to Anderson. "You gotta make this right by Monday night, dammit - you gotta make this right! I wanna be part of Team Package - you're my best friend - you make it right for me! God only knows I've made it right for you your whole life. And you all - you know what you can do? Shut up punk! I wanna be part of Team Package! Double A, make it right by Monday night, I wanna be - part - of - Team Package, dammit! ... Double A! DO not walk away..."

Two things here. One, muting Flair saying "you gotta suck up" is yet ANOTHER example of a lame policy being taken to the point of absurdity. It's at the level of having to say "international object" because Turner banned the word "foreign." The other thing is the fact that they fixate on the word "suck" to begin with. If Luger gets the crowd to chant "Luger sucks," then *he's doing the right thing.* Don't *discourage* it already. I know I said this last week - I'm gonna KEEP saying it until somebody gets it through their THICK HEADS. **PROFESSIONAL WRESTLING ON TELEVISION IS NOT THE PLACE TO WORRY ABOUT STRICT MORALITY AND SOMETHING AS PIDDLY NICKLE AND DIME AS THE USE OF THE WORD "SUCK."** Draw all the lines you want, but you would think that somebody could have learned by now that there is a point that's too far, that annoys the audience and causes them to go elsewhere for their entertainment. You know? YOU KNOW? Am I talking to myself here? (I could very well be - ha!) Okay, back to the show

Fit Finlay is - WALKING! "Meng, I'm coming for ya!" But Vampiro flies into the picture with a spear. Security comes out, but Vampiro punks THEM out to get to Finlay. Security now manages to separate them - Finlay and Meng are NEXT! (I predict - a runin!) Cast count: Three (Vampiro, Finlay, Dillinja)

Promotional consideration paid for by Slim Jim, WCW Powerslam wrestlers, Toaster Breaks pizza from Hot Pockets, Plus+White toothpaste, Ice Sport from Aqua Velva, and Sauder furnituure!

TONIGHT: #4 for the graphic...

Outside, Elizabeth and Package load the limo, then contrive some dialogue for us. "We'll find out Monday night!" All we needed was for Luger to turn to you and I and say "8PM, ONLY ON TNT!"

THEMONSTERMENG (with Let Us Take You Back to Nitro) v. FIT FINLAY - During Nitro, Meng was denied access to Tank Abbott, even though La Parka was not. Meng squash despite the fact that you'd think Finlay would use his cast as a weapon. Meng goes into his finishing dance for an awkwardly long time while we wait for TANK YEAHBABY ABBOTT to hit the ring and go for Meng - out again comes the SECURITY, but they all fall by the wayside as Abbott, Meng and then even Finlay do damage. Naturally, however, Abbott's walked away by the time Meng is ready to find him again. (No contest? about :40)

Let Us Take You Back To Last Week, where Kidman hit his tag team partner Booker with a dropkick. WAS it an accident? (Well, yes, but don't let that mar the progression of the storyline...)

Backstage, I SEE HEADLIGHTS! Booker tells Torrie that Kidman needs to stay focused, now can u dig that - Kidman comes into the picture and accuses Booker of trying to get Torrie to "pick sides." Well, hell, Billy BETTER be worried. Once she goes black...you KNOW she'll NEVER go back!

Oh boy! Advance Auto Parts presents the WCW Motor Sports report! Blaise Alexander did some shtick with Jeff Jarrett (WOW! HE SAID "SLAPNUTS!") and then raced to an EXCITING! top twenty finish (that's code for "they finished twentieth") Meanwhile, Wally Dallenbach didn't get a top ANYTHING finish, thanks to a black flag - oooh, it doesn't pay to cheat! Next week...YES! ANOTHER REPORT!

Last week on Saturday Night, the bes WCW program of the week - we saw the Jung Dragons, Hail, Hugh Morrus and Hacksaw Jim Duggan! THIS WEEK: A night of champions! Duggan once again with the TV title, Mamalukes for the tag titles, The Acronym and Kidman for the Cruiserweight title, Jarrett vs. the Demon for the US title (oops, I guess Vampiro DOES job again, huh?), and...the return of Mona! (Against Little Jeanie, right?) Anyway...you wanna know how long Duggan holds the TV title? Here's a hint - AT LEAST until the SN taping coming up in Glens Falls 26 April...which, strangely enough, is the last SN taping they've bothered to put on their online calender...hmmm.....

Gene O. stands with the Mamalukes - err, Paisans. They talk loud and say nothing. I haven't heard anybody say "clear" tonight, at least, so kudos to the crew on that

MAMALUKES (with Disco Inferno) v. HARRIS BROS v. HARLEM HEAT (with J. Biggs & Cash) v. BOOKA and BILLY KIDMAN (with Torrie Samuda) in an elimination match for the tag team championship - Champs enter first because it's a TRADITION - Let Us Take You Back to Monday - H Bomb! H Bomb! Shove the cop! The Harrisses attack before the bell and a Pier Four Brawl ensues - we look back to the entryway - nope, nothing. Oh, wait, there's Harlem Heat - I guess Cassius (in the house) is simply "Cash" now. Okay, it's a Pier Six now - we can bar that door now, Katie. Biggs takes third headset and gives us a little Clarence Mason - I always enjoyed that - I'll wonder aloud why he's not with the WWF. Now Booker is out by himself - and he cleans house with ALL his trademark moves (except the one he never does anymore) as everyone else in the ring attacks him black ninja style - finally, the Mamalukes decide to attack more than one at a time and they start to gain control. Kidman finally comes out last, hits a shot to Inferno on the outside, and now it's a Pier EIGHT brawl in the ring. The SHWOOOOOOM logo comes in again and makes me go dyslexic. This is an "absolutely wild brawl," but it's finally down to one on one - well, Booker on Harlem Heat - but Booker surprises Stevie Ray with a pin after a miscommunication spot with Fat T and a side Russian legsweep (3:19). Kidman is tagged in and as he and Johnny try a little mat wrestling and flippy-flippy ... BECAUSE this segment was apparently booked with the mindset that this title match would probably be JUST ANOTHER two minute match, yet, they're still fighting....hell, we better take go ahead and take an ad break!

When we come back, we find out that Kidman accidentallyl/intentionally hit a Harlem sidekick on Kidman when Johnny ducked - one H Bomb later, Kidman was eliminated by Ron Harris - we miss even MORE of the match checking out replays. Disco Inferno has taken the third headset with Biggs out of the picture - the Harrisses take Johnny "the Bull" apart with the help of the good ol' double switch while Robinson spends all his time talking to Big Vito. Big sidewalk slam on Johnny by Ron. Right hand, tag to Don. Off the ropes - double back elbow - again Vito monopolises Robinson's attention. Stomp, knee in the back, off the ropes, duck, spin kick by Johnny! Will he make the tag? Are the Mamalukes faces? Both men make the tag - but Vito's is a HOT tag so he's a HOUSE ON FIRE! Kicks for each man - somebody gets muted - scoop slam - Vito climbs to the top - Savage elbow - 1, 2, Don saves his brother. Disco Inferno doing his Shane-O Mac impersonation on colour. Vito dumped on the outside - Johnny whipped into the ropes - clothesline ducked - but not the H Bomb! As Robinson turns his attention to the outside for no apparent reason, Inferno comes in and waffles Harris with the title belt. Of course, Robinson turns around to count the fall. (10:49?) Post-match, the Harrisses take some revenge by getting an H Bomb on Disco Inferno...so their issue isn't settled yet! Such a burning issue - CAN ONLY BE SETTLED - AT UNcensored!!!!!!! Johnny is bleeding, so we quickly go to a long, lingering shot of the crowd...I guess maybe he *did*!

Gene O. attempts to editorialise about the poor performance of the Harlem Heat in the previous match - Stevie Ray comes in, interrupts and demands it was a two count - then he goes on to tell Gene and the Championship Committee that he wants Booker, Kidman and their "squakkin' yak" at UNcensored. He talks all the way up to the break - good ol' Stevie Ray. He ain't the DDT Digest mascot for nothin', folks!

"Beyond the Mat" ad in this set

"Positively Page" ad when we come back

Courtesy "The Late Late Show," Page reveals that the reason we haven't seen him for about a month is that he has a couple ruptured disks (sure, sure). Is it a telling quote when he says "I don't know if I WANT to come back?" Well, now, my speculation would be something like...the ONLY reason they'd play THAT cut as a clip - well, actually, there are two. 1) This is part of the "twists and turns" that were promised for the Page/Bagwell angle, or 2) this is WCW and they just don't KNOW that playing that soundbite would be a NEGATIVE for the company - I guess it's probably 50/50...sad, isn't it?

Let Us Take A Special Video Look at Jeff Jarrett - "Slapnuts" count in this segment is - ah, hell, you KNOW I wasn't really paying attention - sinister voiceovers of phrases like "smashing more guitars than the Who" will do that to me. If you haven't heard...HEY! Jarrett and Vicious for the title at UNcensored!

Gene O. stands with BRIAN KNOBS, who hypes up his Hardcore Gauntlet match with 3 Count by way of a lot of screaming, and THEN...unleashes THE DOG 'pon our screens - HE'S RABID! HE'S RABID! HE'S - oh, wait, it's just an Alka Seltzer trick

Jeff Jarrett is WALKING! Along with the NWO women. Jarrett makes a special point of making sure they walk behind him by way of character development

Meanwhile, Vampiro is also WALKING! I think he knocks something over, but we don't see it

You know, if I don't see that graphic ONE MORE TIME, I swear I'm gonna start going through some withdrawl here - aahhhhhhhhhh.....there it is

Promotional consideration paid for by WCW Battle Arms (power to da people!), Judge Wapner's sewing machine cash scam, Toaster Breaks pizza from Hot Pockets (again), Ice Sport from Aqua Velva (again), and Mega-16 barely legal diet pills! Really, why's she holding onto that mayonnaise jar? Does she just eat mayo straight from the jar, like Homer Simpson?

Hmm...Sunday, 19 March...UNcensored...or Kevin Spacey on "Inside the Actor's Studio" on Bravo? That's a toughie

WCW Magazine ad - hey, Mikey Whipwreck!

We hear David Penzer hype up the crowd while Mike Tenay tells us that tonight's close captioning has been brought to us by America (ha!) Online!

UNITED STATES HEAVYWEIGHT TITLE: JEDOUBLEF JADOUBLEREDOUBLET (with the NWO Ladies - but probably not for long) v. VAMPIRO in a return match - Let Us Take You Back to Last Week on Nitro where Vampiro jobbed in this same matchup. Tenay tells us that he's just learned that Monday at Nitro, Hulk Hogan AND Sting will be in Providence - oh man, that'll be SO great! Jarrett asks the ladies if they want to flash Vampiro - GOOD LORD there are SO MANY EMPTY SEATS in that shot. Needless to say, Jarrett says there'll be no flashing and sends the women to the back - man, I *really* thought that we were gonna see naked breasts tonight even as they refuse to allow us to see or hear the word "suck" in any context! Hmm....come to think of it, "suck" is generally the first thing to come to mind when you think of WCW television programming...one of the women actually fakes CRYING because she didn't get to bare her breasts - RIIIIIIIIGHT. We start too close to the top of the hour...right, right, right, whip reversed, but clothesline hits by Vampiro. Jarrett ducks a kick but not the back spin kick followup. Cloteshline over the top - pescado by Vampiro! FLYING NOISY UNcensored DAYS UNTIL 11 LOGO IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN THIS MATCH - Outside the ring, Jarrett meets first the barricade, then the commentary table - now we're back in the ring and Vampiro's climbing - flying clothesline off the top by Vampiro - for 2. The HARRIS BROS are out now, whoopee! Screw this main event! Vampiro notices them, turns his back to Jarrett, and gets a clubbing blow to go outside - the Harrisses work him over while Patrick suddenly gets VERY interested in talking to Jarrett about what might have been if he'd stayed in the WWF and let Austin drop out of the top of the card. Trying to suplex him in - Vampiro goes behind, waistlock, Jarrett elbows out of it, flicks him off by holding the ropes, then hits a clothesline that has Vampiro flipping. Uppercut by Jarrett - head to the buckle. Into the ropes, Vampiro goes behind, rolls him up, but only gets 2. Vampiro goes to the top again - but Jarrett throws a punch and he flies to the floor. The Harrisses again take it to Vampiro while Patrick talks to Jarrett. Now the MAMALUKES are out to battle with the Harris brothers. Vampiro ducks a lariat, hits an enzuigiri AND a uranage - but Patrick is out trying to break up the four men on the outside - Patrick sprints back to the ring - but Vampiro pulls up at 1, wondering where he'd gone. Off the ropes, Jarrett pulls his head back to the mat. Jarrett going for a STEEL chair, but Patrick manages to grab it before he can use it. Gutshot by Jarrett, DDT - 1, 2, no! Jarrett's going for the figure four - but Vampiro sneaks in an inside cradle - 1, 2, no! Schoolboy by Vampiro - and ANOTHER 2! Jarrett ducks a clothesline - Vampiro pulls up to avoid a collision with Patrick...but Jarrett hits a right and Vampiro collides with Patrick anyway. Snap suplex by Jarrett, now he's going outside for the title belt. Vampiro kicks him in the gut, then hits a catapult into the corner - and a shot with the belt! Cover - no referee - new referee JAMIE TUCKER comes out and counts 1, 2...but *Patrick* pulls him out! A discussion ensues about who has control of this match, while Jarrett goes ahead and hits the Stroke, on the belt (sorta) - and covers. Patrick is over to count 1, 2, 3. WOW! VAMPIRO JOBBED AGAIN! WHO'DA THUNK IT? (5:00) The HARRIS BROS are back out - we get a bonus H Bomb, a whopping FOUR angles of H Bomb replays (yeah, they're really building up Vampiro, aren't they?) AND an NWO spraypaint job! Man, that was SO worth waiting for! The crowd is overdubbed and as Jarrett poses on the turnbuckle, we can't help but notice people FLOCKING for the exits. Just like us - we're outta here.

Hey, how about one more "Nowhere to Land" promo? The sad thing is, *somebody thinks there's a rub to be given here.* God bless W T B S!

Finally, if you haven't already, please go read mdb's report. I have a feeling he just MIGHT have cared a bit more about this show. At least, I HOPE he did....after all, he's the WCW fan...when HE gives up, we're ALL in big trouble!