You are here

/15 March 2000

WCW Thunder




I GET LETTERS: Chris Ross ventures where I dare not tread: This is a little gift from me to you since I know you didn't want to transcribe it I did it for you. maybe you can post it under a parody column or something. When you see ..... it means he took a "dramatic" pause

The Hulk Hogan Apple Pie Strap Match Interview

You know something maniacs, First things first.
I want the Doctor Proper, Doctor Unger, Doctor Hughes to know, ..... the release forms have been signed. ..... Your not responsible for the last couple fractures in the forearm, brutha.
The main priority in the yapapi Indian strap match, is to have flexibility in the wrist that you strap to your opponent with, brutha, ..... because in the yapapi Indian strap match, when your in the four corners of the battlezone, ..... the main priority is to get the body in the proper position for the strapation, dudes.
When I get Ric Flair, right where I want him, ..... when I get him, ..... out of wind, ............ sucking air, .................... sweating from head to toe, I will call out to Indian strapmaster, Jimmy Hart, on ringside,
and I will say to Jimmy Hart, at ringside.
"Gimme yapipi Indian punishment strap number one"
And as I strap your body, Ric Flair, ..... as you scream to the heavens for mercy, ..... as I see your skin start to bubble off your body. ..... You will drop to your knees, and you will say "Please Mr. Hogan, please, I can't take it anymore. Please I'm sorry I crossed the line."
And as I hear you beg for mercy, that's when I will call to the Indian strapmaster Jimmy Hart, at ringside for Yapipi Indian Punishment strap number two.
That's when the heavier bats will come out.
That's when I will strap your skin.
That's when your skin will start to bubble.
That's when the flesh will start to peel from your hide.
And as I see the raw pink meat on your back brutha, I will take it to another level.
I will transform from Hulk to Hollywood.
I will double strap you with both fists, and you will scream to the heavens,
"Please Hollywood, don't hurt me anymore."
And I will never stop. still gives me chills, Chris.

TV-PG-DLV - WCW logo - come into the light

Hoo-ah! The NWO is WALKING! Watch out, Don - you might run smack dab into the close captioned logo!

Opening credits - hey, wanna have fun? Let's dissect this opening montage and see if we can figure out who's getting a push, shall we?

  • Thunder logo
  • TBS logo
  • Goldberg
  • Rey Mysterio Jr.
  • Sid Vicious
  • Thunder logo
  • Goldberg
  • Crowbar whacking Vampiro while he covers David Flair
  • Billy Kidman flying onto Disorderly Conduct
  • The Mamalukes choking David Flair
  • Jeff Jarrett
  • Booker
  • Thunder
  • Disco Inferno wringing the arm of ...Vampiro maybe?
  • Goldberg
  • Bam Bam Bigelow throwing an elbow to Booker
  • "Danger: High Voltage" sign
  • Goldberg
  • A light bulb filament
  • Meng putting the Tongan death grip on the Total Package while he has Sting in the Torture Rack
  • Brad Armstrong (I think) hip-tossing Curt Hennig mixed with a picture of Goldberg
  • Terry Funk
  • Goldberg
  • Juventud Guerrera taking over Billy Kidman in a 'rana
  • Sting and Sid Vicious trading punches
  • Diamond Dallas Page
  • Sting splashing (David Flair?) as Ric Flair watches
  • Jeff Jarrett with a kabong on Buff Bagwell
  • Some video switcher text
  • Diamond Dallas Page
  • The filament again
  • Sting clotheslining Total Package
  • Same shot, closeup
  • Thunder logo with sparks
  • 90 degree rotated view of (Diamond Dallas Page?) hitting a sidewalk slam on Billy Kidman
  • Rick Steiner clotheslining Stevie Ray on the floor
  • Goldberg spearing Total Package
  • Sid Vicious
  • Continuation of the spear
  • Kevin Nash (Scott Hall sitting on ladder behind him)
  • Continuation of the spear
  • Different shot of Goldberg
  • Diamond Dallas Page, 90 degrees rotated
  • Goldberg
  • Sid Vicious powerbombing Rey Mysterio Jr. - Lodi is lying on the canvas in the background - the picture is negated after the impact
  • Prince Iaukea dropping a leg on Chris Adams (the HELL?)
  • the light bulb again
  • Total Package
  • Rick Steiner
  • Buff Bagwell in the middle of a Ten Punch Count Along on somebody we can't see
  • Goldberg
  • closeup of the same shot of Goldberg
  • siren light
  • Billy Kidman getting his arm raised by Mickie Jay (against Vampiro?)
  • siren again
  • Thunder logo
  • Lane leaping off the back of Rave to hit Big Vito
  • Sid Vicious destroying property backstage
  • Thunder logo and sparks
  • Oklahoma dropping an elbow on Vampiro (one of the longest clips in this montage, oddly enough)
  • Billy Kidman flying through the air and a light bulb filament
  • Sid Vicious
  • Public Enemy getting a shoulder to the gut (by Sid Vicious?) in the corner
  • Kanyon elbowing Stevie Ray with a "10-09" LED and siren light
  • Sid Vicious powerbombing Lash LeRoux
  • TBS logo with sparks
  • Bret Hart saluting to the sky
  • Goldberg
  • David Flair and Daffney Unger kissing
  • Kanyon dropping a leg on Stevie Ray with an "08" LED
  • Kanyon with a top rope moonsault - "07"
  • Sid Vicious - "06"
  • Siren
  • Goldberg - "06" - "05"
  • Thunder logo
  • TBS logo
  • Siren
  • Sid Vicious with "04"
  • Big Vito
  • Jeff Jarrett
  • Miss Elizabeth removing her jacket with "03" - "02"
  • Total Package hitting a double bicep as the "02" fades out
  • "02" - Bret Hart breaking a crutch on the top turnbuckle as Scott Hall sits
  • against the bottom two turnbuckles - "01"
  • Kevin Nash and just as you see Scott Hall...fading into
  • Jeff Jarrett
  • Thunder logo quickly from three angles
  • single frames of Booker, the siren, Rey Mysterio Jr, Sting and Sid Vicious, Rey Mysterio Jr, Goldberg, Bam Bam Bigelow and Booker, Goldberg, Kidman, Perry Saturn (!) and Bam Bam Bigelow, Goldberg, Sting and Sid Vicious, Booker and the WCW logo, Sid Vicious and Sting, Diamond Dallas Page, Meng and Total Package and Sting, the video switcher text, Goldberg, Terry Funk, Sting, Booker with an axe kick on Total Package, Diamond Dallas Page in a side view, the words "VIDEO MODE", Sting clotheslining Total Package, a crowd shot, Diamond Dallas Page at 90 degrees, Rey Mysterio being powerbombed, Goldberg, Buff Bagwell, Sid Vicious, Rick Steiner, another shot of Rick Steiner, Prince Iaukea and Chris Adams, Sid Vicious, a completely illegible shot, another shot nobody's in, an extreme closeup of a Public Enemy jersey, Goldberg, Kanyon, Sid Vicious, Goldberg, Sid Vicious, Bam Bam Bigelow and Booker, Goldberg, Billy Kidman, the light bulb, Total Package - in other words, almost all the shots we've seen to this point
  • Goldberg and sparks - negative and not
  • Just the sparks
  • And into the live shot and PYRO

    Because, my friends, only *I* am lame enough to detail a 45 second clip montage and you wouldn't *believe* how much some people hate me for it (as opposed to just skipping ahead). Still, who DON'T you see in that clip? (Hogan) Who do you BARELY see in that clip? (Hall, Hart, Flair) Who do you only see in the jobbin' position? (Vampiro) Does this give us insight into the future booking plans of WCW? (Discuss)

    Trust me....this works! We used to do it with "WWF Superstars" to figure out who was about to be fired!

    Did I say PYRO? WE ARE ON TAPE from the Patriot Center of George Mason University in Fairfaz, VA 15.3.2K (taped 14.3) - and if you had (1:27) into the show for the first instance of video distortion of a sign in the audience - YOU WON THE BETTING POOL! Now there's an BLATANT "Jeff Jarret (sic) SUCKS" sign in the crowd, so I'm left to wonder - if they don't video distort THAT, what DID they video distort?

    LA PARKA & CHAVO GUERRERO JNR v. SILVER KING & EL DANDY - Parka gets THE STICK - "the skull captain's in the Hizzooooooooooouse! - You see the chair, you know the deal, you know the 411, one for me and one for mah homeez." Ring announcer DAVID PENZER gives us "confusion." Dandy with a comb and grooming for our benefit. Parka shining up the skulls on the shoulders of his jacket to entertain us. Dandy passes the brush to Silver King, who is having words with Penzer. "Ladies and gentlemen, I stand corrected. Introducing Latin America's most desirable men - LOS FABULOSOS!" SILVER KING SMOOTHING OUT HIS EYEBROWS!!!!!!! He's the MACK. Dandy and Guerrero start - shove by Dandy - shove to the mat by Guerrero - off the ropes we go, shoulerblock by Dandy, off the ropes, leapfrog, monkey flip by Chavo. Slap by Dandy - running at him but Chavo dumps him to the floor - he's gonna fly - no, baseball slide dropkick misses. Kick by Chavo, elbow uppercut, back in the ring we go, off the ropes, head down, big kick by Dandy, both men tag, quickly into the ropes, leapfrog by Parka, shoulderblock by King, 0 count, shoulderblock, cover, 0, Parka ducks, slips the next one, love tap, Parka strut!, Dandy in, clothesline for him, but King hits one when he turns back. DAMN it's fast in here. Both men whip Parka into his corner where Chavo fails to tag (oh well), Parka ducks King's charge out of the whip, and tilt-a-whirls Dandy - he lands on his feet, charging into Silver King with a powerslam, Dandy off the ropes with a senton but Parka's gone and he hits his partner! Shoulder for Dandy, shoulder for King, Parka going into another shimmy, then a strut. Dandy hits a slap and puts him in a full nelson - Parka escapes just in time and Silver King ends up hitting his own partner with the dropkick. Parka off the ropes - TWISTING PESCADO TO THE FLOOR! Crowd chanting "use the chair!" Back in the ring, Chavo's escaped from the clutches of referee "Blind" Billy Silverman and Silver King is into the corner the wrong way. Into the ropes, Silver King does his poor man's Mysterio by twisting around in the ropes, Chavo with a dropkick to take him outisde - pescado by Guerrero! Back in the ring - SPLIT-LEGGED MOONSAULT on Dandy! 1, 2, NO!! Gunshot slap. Into the opposite corner, charge misses when Dandy steps aside and he hits the post shoulder-first. Silver King called in - into the ropes, double leapfrog, double drop toehold, sandwich kicks to the face (!), Silver King off the ropes with a swinging DDT - Chavo breaks it at 2. All four men in, Dandy on Chavo - right hand and headbutt takes him to the floor. Parka rolls out too. In the ring, Chavo back in - slap by Dandy, scoops him up, back breaker, Silver King comes in with a slingshot into a senton. Lightning elbowdrop. Dandy sitting him on the turnbuckle and climbing up himself - Parka over to help out, and he's got El Dandy on his shoulders - backing up. Chavo on the top turnbuckle, Silver King behind the other two men - Chavo off the top with a plancha while Parka drops Dandy forward, right onto his face. Park runs at King, who hiptosses him out and follows himself. Back on the top turnbuckle - Guerrero finds his tornado DDT - 1, 2, 3!! (4:25) Chavo's music plays this time. Holy shit, WCW allowing some hot lucha action on our of their shows again - how long's it been? Matches ending in Sid Vicious powerbombing everybody don't count, by the way. Give the chef my regards. Also, I see at least two signs with "sux" or "sucks" that didn't get video-distorted, so another point for WCW.

    The Badlanders are WALKING!! Daffney's wearing a "WALL SUX" top which isn't video-distorted. You know, I'm starting to think I've FINALLY gotten through to somebody here.

    WCW Magazine ad - I'd normally make a joke here, but the show's been pretty damn good so far, so it'll have to wait.

    Brian Knobs uses his head when he wrestles - that's why this clip has him using a garbage can to pummel a wrestler

    This portion of Thunder is brought to you by Castrol Motor Oily

    Backstage, Miss Handcock tells Los Fabulosos that they need a little guidance...and some new clothes. Silver King is THE MACK: "Would you like to help us out of these clothes?" GOD DAMN, SILVER KING IS MY HERO!!

    TEAM PACKAGE come out as Let Us Take You Back to Nitro where Hogan and Hennig felt the wrath of the weight belt and baseball bat. Package says that yes, he is in the house. Sting wants to play with the light switches - he's gonna pay the price on Sunday. Whoops, there's a video distorted sign - it ...hey! I think it said "SLASH WRESTLING!" Hey, that looks like a *vendetta* to me!! No, actually it said something like "SLAP DEEZ NUTS" so I guess I won't bother to mention that that's, like, one of THEIR OWN phrases...hey! You're video distorting Flair's head! Before Flair takes the mic, Luger asks the crowd to please be quiet and show some respect. "Hey - hey - you - fat boy in the front row - assume the position." Package is a 4% body fat Greek god and Elizabeth is the most beautiful woman in the sport. Monday, they destroyed Curt Hennig and manhandled Hulkamanai. Flair looks to the rafters and dares Sting to come on down. Flair says "fat boy" three or four more times. Flair's head gets video distorted again, har har har. Flair proclaims Hulkamania dead, and stomps on the weight belt. Flair offers to make a woman out of the fat boy's girl. JAMES HART comes out and tells Flair that he's turned his back on his son and his best friend because he's obsessed with Team Package. He's no longer the man, Hogan is the man. Apparently, Hogan's the man because "Larry King Live" is here to see Hulk Hogan and not Team Package. Also, Entertainment Tonight is here to do a piece on Hulk Hogan and not Flair and not Luger. Geez, Hart's an idiot, ain't he? Hart says Luger wouldn't break his arm, and Flair wouldn't talk bad about Hogan...if Hogan was in the ring. Package grabs Hart by the ugly jacket and DARES him to use the weight belt he brought down. Flair puffs up Package and then says "fat boy." Hart, having had enough, gets ONE good strappin' on Flair...before falling to a doubleteam. Torture Rack! Torture Rack! Flair removing the jacket - then the shirt - and now he's whuppin' him. "Hogan - where are you now?! You hear this?!" Hart is so white that the welts pop right up on camera. SECURITY is out a smidge too late.

    Backstage, Paisley and the Artist are gazing longingly into each others' eyes - Psychosis grabs the belt and says something in Spanish. Kaz also grabs the belt and rambles in Japanese. The other two Jung Dragons appear but before anything can happen, Charles Robinson breaks it all up (yeah, that's realistic) then says that Kaz and Psychosis have an upcoming match and everybody else is barred from ringside.

    Jimmy Barron is all about sitting poolside and calling in Road Reports. UNcensored is Sunday! No, really!

    Let Us Take You Back to Moments Ago - Whip Me, Beat Me

    Backstage, Hart is loaded into an ambulance - Hogan just finds out what happened thanks to J.J. Dillon stooging on Team Package. Hogan says he wants BOTH members of Team Package in a match tonight...make it happen....

    PSYCHOSIS (by his damn self) v. KAZ HAYASHI (by his damn self) in a return #1 Contenders match - we are told that last week's match wouldn't stand due to the Artist's interference, so THIS one would instead decide the challenger for the title Sunday. For some reason, Kaz gets his last name back - just for tonight, or for good? Who can say in the wild world of WCW? Psychosis offers a handshake, and when Kaz goes for it, Psychosis grabs him and puts him in a side headlock. Ha! Into the ropes, powering out, shoulderblock by Psychosis, cover, 1, Hayashi nips up. By now you know that the logo means UNCENSORED DAYS UNTIL 4 so I shan't bother to mention it. Kaz finally gets off his robe as Psychosis pulls up on a dropkick. Clothesline ducked, spinning heel kick by Hayashi. SHWOOOOOOM - oh sorry. I got distracted. Psychosis rolls outside - Kaz running the ropes - TOPE CON HILO onto Psychosis! It took a lot out of both men - rolled back in - 1, no. Kaz outside and to the top - but he lands on the knee, and an atomic drop. Off the ropes, HUGE lariat for 2. Something muted here. Into the ropes, off the second rope, body scissors, Kaz with a wheelbarrow suplex for 2. Kick to the gut, right hand, into the opposite corner, Psychosis puts up an elbow to stop the charge, second rope, Psychosis on top, Frankensteiner - 2. Psychosis runs at Kaz, tilt-a-whirl but he lands on his feet. Another body scissors by Kaz, but Psychosis drops forward and rolls through into a victory roll - 1, 2, 3! (2:05) Kaz offers the hand...but as he goes to shake it, THE ACRONYM coes out and punks them BOTH out. Psychosis ducks, chops, chops, off the ropes, biiiig back body drop, he's got the belt! But Artist puts up a superkick RIGHT into the belt - and drops him. Artist off the second turnbuckle with the jumpin' DDT - now play his music!

    Backstage, GENE O. works tonight! (Funny, he LOOKS sober...) WOW! He's standing in front of a door! Eventually, Jeff Jarrett emerges from behind it and says that even though WCW is trying to screw him, he'll have no problems walking through Booker tonight. Then - hehehehe - he tells Gene to "choke on that - slapnut!" HAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA

    Tank Abbott is WALKING!

    Hey, "Deliverance" is airing on WTBS Saturday at 23:05 (20:05 over here) - that's like required viewing for all pro wrestling fans, isn't it?

    WCW Superstar Video/Nitro Girl Swimsuit Calendar Special ad

    TONIGHT: Hulk Hogan vs. Team Package graphic!

    Backstage, Bam Bam Bigelow is talking to..........Oklahoma?

    YEAHBABY TANK YEAHBABY ABBOTT v. BUZZKILL - Let Us Take You Back to Last Week where La Parka went down - also where he tried to get his hands on Meng. Speaing of Meng, he's watching on a monitor and talking to ... hell, I feel bad, I have NO idea who that is. Anyway, he wants to get his hands on Tank someday. Armstrong's sign says "No War / No Guns / No Tanks" - clever, no? Abbott grabs the sign and breaks it. So Buzzkill spears him. They roll around a bit - referee Mickie Jay forcing the break - HAND OF STONE! Once again Abbott leaves the ring before the decision, yet instead of counting him out and declaring Buzzkill the winner, Jay stops the match. (:23) Then, Tank went for HIS KNIFE!!!! (Well, okay, no he didn't really.)

    Backstage, the Harrisses are having a confab with Harlem Heat (sans Biggs)

    Meanwhile, Wall - EXITS A LIFT! AND WALKS!!

    During the Break, Daffney ran off screaming as Wall, having laid out Crowbar, walked off with David Flair on his shoulder...

    THE WALL v. ? - when Wall fails to show, we check back in the concourse where Wall is dismantling a neck collar-less Flair - THEY'RE IN THE LOGE! Wall threatening to chokeslam Flair from the balcony to the lower level - yeah, right, what do you think this is, ECW? TRIPPA B appears "just in the nick of time" to put a stop to that - and now THEY'RE brawling. Actually, I gotta give some snaps to Tenay and Heenan - they almost had me thinking they'd roll with it. Back into the concourse - Bigelow bodyslams Wall through a WCW Credit Card application table! Hey, you know what we need now? That's right - the FLYING UNCENSORED LOGO!!! Looks like SECURITY has managed to separate these two men. Daffney screaming this whole time.

    Meanwhile, Booker is WALKING!! Spying Kidman and Torrie making out on his way...Kidman: "Hey Booker - you have a good match now - good luck." Hey, that would have seemed a little more heartfelt if he hadn't been snickering through you smell storyline?

    Meanwhile, Jeff Jarrett and six breasts are WALKING!

    The 1-800-COL-LECT replay is Bam Bam Bigelow interrupting the chokeslam that would have changed the face of wrestling forever - don't get me wrong, though, I'm GLAD they didn't do it.

    Outside, Wall is loaded into a police car (!) and Bigelow shouts to him. "You know, you're gonna get out like you always have, Wall, and I'm gonna be right here!" Wall SHOWS HIS FANGS!!

    The graphic sez: WCW World Heavyweight Title Rematch - "Reigning Champion" Sid Vicious vs. Jeff Jarrett

    JEDOUBLEF JADOUBLEREDOUBLET (with six - THREE women) v. BOOKA for the United States Heavyweight Championship - hey, if we're REALLY lucky, Jarrett will tease having the women lift their tops, and then send them off just when we think we'll get some. Jarrett points to the video-distorted sign but WE aren't allowed. You know, I say Jarrett DOES get the title on Sunday. Maybe I'm just trying to be contrary, I dunno. Does Booker's music keep changing? There's the UNITED STATES HEAVYWEIGHT TITLE graphic as we start. Feeling out process - side headlock - into the ropes, shoulderblock, cover, 2. Off the ropes, Booker grabs the knee attempt and rolls it over for 2. Not one but TWO signs video-distorted this in this segment - hell, I think it's that sign I already pointed out earlier! I take back all my compliments. Jarrett with a shouldberblock, off the ropes, Booker with a dropkick. Hiptoss blocked, clothesline by Booker. Right, into the opposite corner, lariat by Booker, climbing the corner, Eight Punch Count Along, Jarrett tries an atomic drop but misses, Booker hits a side kick. Chop, into the ropes, Jarrett holds on - Booker tries a Harlem side kick and crotches himself when Jarrett steps aside. Jarrett takes him out, follows, and throats him on the barricade. Another hot shot-like manoeuvre. Back over the barricade - head to the STEEL steps. Referee "Blind" Nick Patrick out to stop this as Jarrett gets muted shouting to the crowd. Back in the ring we go - Jarrett perched on the top turnbuckle - BIG plancha but Booker rolls it through - 1, 2, NO!! Jarrett knocks him down again. Into the ropes, Jarrett throws an elbow but it's ducked, Jarrett with a sleeper when Booker comes back - to one knee - to two knees - he's fading fast. Booker all the way down now and Patrick checks in - Jarrett telling him to get ready to ring it - arm falls once - arm falls twice - will the arm fall thrice? Of course not...but it gets all the way to TWO INCHES off the mat - oooooooh - Booker back to his feet, elbowing out, off the ropes, spinning heel kick ducked, Booker with a sleeper of his own! Jarrett quickly elbows out, but Booker reverses the whip into the corner, elbow up to meet him - Jarrett off the second rope but Booker catches him with the 110th Street uranage - but ONLY 2!! Off the ropes, kick by Book, AXE KICK. Breakdancing up! SPINEBUSTER! 1, 2, Jarrett rolls the far shoulder at the last minute. Jarrett rolls out as we see the HARRIS BROS in the aisle - dammit. Patrick is out to send them off - Jarrett swinging the title belt and CLOCKING him. Jarrett covers - 1, 2, NO!!!!! Right from Jarrett, right, right, right, right, into the ropes, Booker holds on - HARLEM SIDE KICK! Ron on the apron and down with a punch - Don in and DOWN with a uranage! But now the numbers have him - Patrick, unfortunately, tied up with Jarrett - who was brandishing his silver gee-tar. H BOMB! Well, it's over - the Stroke is academic. 1, 2, 3. (6:32) Poor Booker. How about a little spraypaint? Nope - SID VISCOUS comes out and cleans house on all three NWO dudes - Jarrett escapes a chokeslam attempt and heads for higher ground. Play Sid's music!

    Gene O. stands with Dustin Rhodes - Funk will have problems Sunday - tonight, Billy Kidman will know why he's the "American Nightmare."

    Vampiro is WALKING! Who will he job to tonight?

    "Beyond the Mat" ad - it starts FRIDAY! I'd go see it but I think I'll be wearing green and drinking.

    "Positively Page" ad

    Promotional consideration paid for by Slim Jim, Sauder furniture, and ToasterBreaks pizza from Hot Pockets.

    Backstage, Booker is WALKING! He sees Kidman again and asks why he wasn't watching his damn back. Then he RUNS into the TV-PG-DLV ratings box! Yowch, THAT'S gotta hurt!

    VAMPIRO v. WHO? HUGH! MORRUS - I guess Morrus took a couple months off to deal with his crazy ol' pop...HAH? Poor Vampiro - couldn't find anybody to sign his cast! Off the ropes, leapfrog, spin kick by Vampiro, stomp, stomp, stomp, elbow, chop, right, chop, right, kick, kick, headbutt, side headlock, Morrus with a NASTY belly-to-back suplex - Morrus elbow, Morrus elbow, legdrop, 1, 2, nope. Right, right, chop by Morrus, chop, turning to the crowd, Vampiro with a shove, Morrus shoves right back, succession of rights, munching on the skull - still Vampiro shoves him back, Morrus puts him through the ropes to the outside and follows. Clubbin' blow. Chop by Vampiro, shove by Morrus, gnawing on him again - scoop - and a slam on the floor! Morrus on the apron...ELBOWDROP!! Referee "Blind" Charles Robinson continuing to count even as he's on the floor - he's back in the ring and not counting anymore. Oh well. Morrus has the leg, Vampiro with a reverse enzuigiri - Robinson does say "8" - finally - "9" - Vampiro BREAKS THE COUNT?!? Morrus rolled in - Vampiro on the top rope - CAUGHT in a POWERBOMB! Cover - 1, 2, no! Morrus says "that's it" and he's going up top for No Laughing Matter - the moonsault FINDS the mark! But Morrus doesn't cover - he wants to....go outside and find a table? Crowd going nuts for the vastly underrated Hugh Morrus as he puts the table in the ring. I have a feeling this'll be his downfall. Stomp for Vampiro - he's setting him on the table and he's going to try for it AGAIN. Climbing up to the top - but Vampiro is off the table - and he's got Morrus on his shoulders - and dropping him BACK into the table! Vampiro covers - well, this'll be - NOOOO! UP AT 2!!! Both men making fun faces. Gutshot by Vampiro, NAIL IN THE COFFIN. 1, 2, 3. (5:32) FINALLY Vampiro gets a well-deserved victory in a hard-fought match over some REAL competition. Why didn't they give him this match a MONTH ago? TOTALLY BITCHIN'.

    TONIGHT: You've seen the graphic, get ready to watch the match! (Well, in 45 minutes or so)

    Gene O. stands with Billy Kidman and Torrie Wilson. Kidman says he was busy "preparing for his match" and couldn't go help Booker. Tonight, Dustin Rhodes gets a wakeup call.

    Yow! The casket! It's too heavy...but if it could, it'd be WALKING!

    Local cable ad hypes WCW Uncensored - optimistic of 'em, ain't it?

    It's time for the Advanced Auto Parts "This Week in WCW Motorsports" report! Blaise Alexander was as high as seventh - must have been the NWO paintjob on the 81 car. Holy crap! Stevie Ray's promotional photo has the BUG EYES!! Wally Dallenbach raced in WCW paint - and crashed. Oops.

    THE DEMON and SCREAMIN' NORMAN SMILEY v. BRIAN KNOBS & DOG - Let Us Take You Back Last Week where Demon defeated (Not) Rave. Smiley is wearing a KISS T-shirt tonight. Smiley decides to hightail it from the Dog, Demon eats a clothesline, and Knobs and Smiley brawl on the floor. Hey, did you know that there's only days until 4 Uncensored? Look out, Demon! Your head is video distorted!! This match is downright painful to watch. Smiley takes a trip to Pitty City, but also gets to do Dog in da butt while smackin' him up like a bitch, so it all evens out, I guess. Finish comes as RAVE & LANE appear and crotch Demon on the top turnbuckle - Knobs hits a superplex on Demon, then puts him on the shoulder of Dog for a super powerslam, which we are told is the "Dog Pound." Yikes. 1, 2, 3. (3:55) Sunday, Lane & Rave take on the Demon & Smiley - no word yet as to whether or not that's a "special main event."

    TONIGHT: Stop me if you've seen this graphic.

    UNcensored is Sunday! If you're wondering what other matches you might see, well here's a Special Video Look at...

  • World Tag Team Title Match: Mamalukes (with Disco Inferno) vs. Harris Brothers
  • Lumberjack Match: Sting vs. Total Package (with Elizabeth)
  • Hardcore Gauntlet: Brian Knobs vs. 3 Count
  • Strap Match: Ric Flair vs. Hulk Hogan
  • Falls Count Anywhere Match: Fit Finlay vs. Vampiro
  • Dustin Rhodes vs. Terry Funk
  • World Heavyweight Title Match: Champion Sid Vicious vs. Jeff Jarrett

    Hey, are you wondering which ones DIDN'T get graphics? Well, thanks to, I can tell you that also on the card will be

  • Booker & Billy Kidman (with Torrie Wilson) vs. Harlem Heat (with J. Biggs & Cash)
  • Falls Count Anywhere: Vampiro vs. Fit Finaly
  • Lane & Rave vs. Demon & Screamin' Norman Smiley

    Do you want to plunk down the thirty bones YET?!?

    Gene O. stands with Team Package, who gloat about getting the chance to do major damage to Hogan this close to Uncensored...all part of their plan, apparently.

    NEXT: Kidman and Wilson are WALKING!

    Meanwhile, Dustin Rhodes looks like a Blackjack - and he, too, is WALKING!

    How many times have we seen that Keystone ad tonight? Hey, is beer a TV-PG product now? Oh, I see, when there's MONEY involved, we stop *worrying* about the *children*, eh? EH? spot

    Graphic say: UNcensored - Bullrope Match: Dustin Rhodes vs. Terry Funk

    BILLY KIDMAN (with Torrie Samuda) v. DUSTIN RHODES - Let Us Take You Back to Rhodes turning on Funk, Funk throwing the chicken, striking with the chicken, and Rhodes using the cowbell. Whoops, a little TOO close to Torrie in that shot. Rhodes goes to the face to start. Pound, kick, into the ropes, duck, crossbody by Kidman for 2. Clothesline to take him down, Rhodes rolls outside. After a pause that refreshes, he's back in. "MR. TITO SUX" sign is strangely NOT video distorted in this segment despite rather obvious video distortion earlier. Why do they do how they do? Who can say. Open-handed slap to the face by Rhodes, into the opposite corner, right hand, kick, kick, kick, kick, stomp, stomp, stomp. Into the ropes, duck, head down, face plant by Kidman. Standing dropkick. Into the corner, tornado bulldog, 2. Rhodes to the eyes again. Scoop - and a slam. Rhodes climbing the ladder - but Kidman meets him and crotches him with a sweep of the leg. Kidman climbing to the second turnbuckle to meet him - Rhodes with a cowbell to the face which referee "Blind" Nick Patrick JUST misses, somehow. Rhodes back in the ring - Got him up - tossing him down. 1, 2, 3. (2:39) BOOKA comes out post-match 'cause he's *honourable.* Torrie tells him to step off so she can provide mouth-to-mouth. Booker gives us visible disgust at these two crackas making like that in the centre of the ring and all - and NOW they DO video distort that same sign. It's a mystery to me. Booker & Kidman take on Stevie Ray & Fat T Sunday, may I remind you.

    Team Package is WALKING!

    Promotional consideration paid for by Toaster Breaks pizza from Hot Pockets (again), Jolly Time Blast O Butter popcorn, and George Foreman's Grill & Meineke!

    Close captioning where available brought to you by America (ha!) Online! Version 5.0 is their way of saying "We STILL haven't gotten it right!"

    More UNcensored graphics for you! Strap Match: Hulk Hogan vs. Ric Flair! The Total Package with Elizabeth vs. Sting!

    THE NARCISSIST (with Liz) and THE MAN v. YOU KNOW WHO in a Handicap match - Let Us Take You Back to Monday and show you clips we done already showed you whut showin' how evil-like Package and Flair are with the weight belt and baseball bat, yup. Package gets a big long entrance and posedown - whatever happened to the part of his music that sounded like a total ripoff of "Chariots of Fire?" Maybe it sounded a bit TOO MUCH like it? Strange for Team Package to have separate entrances for Package and Flair - especially with Ric Flair getting his own chyron while Package came out to "Team Package" chyron. By the way, only *I* care about this - I know it, you don't have to tell me, BUT after I retire and I'm rereading all these reports, you know I'll be glad I noted it now so I can remind myself of it later. Camera looks for all the free 'do-rags they gave out earlier, and even I must admit probably all those signs aren't really planted. Hogan again gets the "no chyron needed" gimmick. He rushes the ring and it's on - but the doubleteam takes the early command of the match. But it means nothing to Hogan - double noggin knocker! Again! Right for Flair, right for Package, chop for Flair, into the opposite corner, charging lariat, clothesline for Package, right, right, into the opposite corner, clothesline, face rake for Flair, video distortion, right, into the opposite corner, FLAIR FLIP to the floor! Package thrown through the ropes and Hogan follows. Flair to the barricade, Package to the STEEL stairs, to the eyes of Flair, the weight belt is off - WHIP! WHIP for Package, WHIP! Another rake of the face for Flair, WHIP! WHIP for Package. Flair manages to get in a face rake of his own, but hey, this is HOGAN and it don't work on him. Chop, no effect. Hogan has Package's chair - chair for Flair, chair for Package, chair for Flair, chair for Package. Flair rolled in the ring, Hogan follows, Flair begging off and Hogan's got the strap again. CHOKING him with the strap - climbing the corner, Ten Punch Count Along - well, make it nine and a skull munch. Into the opposite corner, back body drop as Flair comes out. Punches for Package on the apron. Flair taken into the corner, running clothesline, begging off, clothesline on the apron for Package. Hogan to his knees, munching on the beak, both men up, Flair tries a flurry - chop, chop, chop, left, right, chop, Hogan Hulks up, Flair to the eyes AGAIN and he climbs up - NO NO, THAT NEVER WORKS!! Hogan beals him across the ring. Right for Package as he parts the ropes. STRAP! STRAP for Flair! STRAP! STRAP! STRAP! Flair gets him from behind, Hogan blocks a punch and hits a right, then a right. FINALLY Flair hits his one offensive move - the Golota. Hogan rolls outside and holds onto his Immortal One. Elizabeth standing over Package - WHOA CLEAVAGE. Back to Hogan - Flair's outside and chopping Hogan, who falls backward onto the commentators' table - for the first time tonight we see MIKE TENAY and BOBBY HEENAN (who quickly scatters) - big-time choke by Flair. Hogan whipped into the chair held by the Package. WHACK with the chair to the back of Hogan. Hogan rolled back in the ring - everybody back in. Package occupying referee "Blind" Mickie Jay while Flair's trick knee acts up. (Heenan confirms it - booya!) Double stompin' beatdown from Team Package. Crowd boos and Master Control video-airbrushes that sign - ahhh, he turns it around to show the "SUX" sign, so that explains THAT - something EVEN WORSE than SUX is on the other side of that sign! Must be NUTS or something like that. Flair with the WHIP of the belt. Alternating stomps from Team Package. Now Flair stomping away on his own. Into the ropes, hey, a double clothesline actually HITS - oh but now he's Hulked up. Double clothesline takes both men to the mat. Time to throw a right here, and a right there, and each time somebody bounces off the mat. Right to Flair, right to Package, I don't even know WHAT that is - kinda of a bump or something, but it puts Flair in the corner. Package shoved into the ropes (I guess) - Flair shoved into Package - FLAIR FLOP!! DISTORT THAT VIDEO!! Package off the ropes - BIG BOOT! Big boot for Flair - Elizabeth in with the chair - Hogan blocks it and grabs the chair - WHACK for Package - WHACK on the back for Package. And now he's got the weight belt from Flair - WHIP! WHIP! Hogan puts Flair in the opposite corner, then clotheslines him with the weight belt. Flair rolls outside - and Hogan follows. For no apparent reason other than the show is over, the bell rings (? 8:01) and Hogan's music plays. (Eh?) As the credits come up, Hogan runs back to the ring where I assume a posedown is imminent.

    Hey this show (mostly) didn't suck. AGAIN!

    Be sure and watch Saturday Night - Torrie might fall out of her top again like she did last week! THAT'LL turn 'em heel, all right!

    [slash] wrestling

  • BLAH


    Copyright (C) 1999, 2000 Christopher Robin Zimmerman & KZiM Communications