Because, my friends, only *I* am lame enough to detail a 45 second clip montage and you wouldn't *believe* how much some people hate me for it (as opposed to just skipping ahead). Still, who DON'T you see in that clip? (Hogan) Who do you BARELY see in that clip? (Hall, Hart, Flair) Who do you only see in the jobbin' position? (Vampiro) Does this give us insight into the future booking plans of WCW? (Discuss)

Trust me....this works! We used to do it with "WWF Superstars" to figure out who was about to be fired!

Did I say PYRO? WE ARE ON TAPE from the Patriot Center of George Mason University in Fairfaz, VA 15.3.2K (taped 14.3) - and if you had (1:27) into the show for the first instance of video distortion of a sign in the audience - YOU WON THE BETTING POOL! Now there's an BLATANT "Jeff Jarret (sic) SUCKS" sign in the crowd, so I'm left to wonder - if they don't video distort THAT, what DID they video distort?

LA PARKA & CHAVO GUERRERO JNR v. SILVER KING & EL DANDY - Parka gets THE STICK - "the skull captain's in the Hizzooooooooooouse! - You see the chair, you know the deal, you know the 411, one for me and one for mah homeez." Ring announcer DAVID PENZER gives us "confusion." Dandy with a comb and grooming for our benefit. Parka shining up the skulls on the shoulders of his jacket to entertain us. Dandy passes the brush to Silver King, who is having words with Penzer. "Ladies and gentlemen, I stand corrected. Introducing Latin America's most desirable men - LOS FABULOSOS!" SILVER KING SMOOTHING OUT HIS EYEBROWS!!!!!!! He's the MACK. Dandy and Guerrero start - shove by Dandy - shove to the mat by Guerrero - off the ropes we go, shoulerblock by Dandy, off the ropes, leapfrog, monkey flip by Chavo. Slap by Dandy - running at him but Chavo dumps him to the floor - he's gonna fly - no, baseball slide dropkick misses. Kick by Chavo, elbow uppercut, back in the ring we go, off the ropes, head down, big kick by Dandy, both men tag, quickly into the ropes, leapfrog by Parka, shoulderblock by King, 0 count, shoulderblock, cover, 0, Parka ducks, slips the next one, love tap, Parka strut!, Dandy in, clothesline for him, but King hits one when he turns back. DAMN it's fast in here. Both men whip Parka into his corner where Chavo fails to tag (oh well), Parka ducks King's charge out of the whip, and tilt-a-whirls Dandy - he lands on his feet, charging into Silver King with a powerslam, Dandy off the ropes with a senton but Parka's gone and he hits his partner! Shoulder for Dandy, shoulder for King, Parka going into another shimmy, then a strut. Dandy hits a slap and puts him in a full nelson - Parka escapes just in time and Silver King ends up hitting his own partner with the dropkick. Parka off the ropes - TWISTING PESCADO TO THE FLOOR! Crowd chanting "use the chair!" Back in the ring, Chavo's escaped from the clutches of referee "Blind" Billy Silverman and Silver King is into the corner the wrong way. Into the ropes, Silver King does his poor man's Mysterio by twisting around in the ropes, Chavo with a dropkick to take him outisde - pescado by Guerrero! Back in the ring - SPLIT-LEGGED MOONSAULT on Dandy! 1, 2, NO!! Gunshot slap. Into the opposite corner, charge misses when Dandy steps aside and he hits the post shoulder-first. Silver King called in - into the ropes, double leapfrog, double drop toehold, sandwich kicks to the face (!), Silver King off the ropes with a swinging DDT - Chavo breaks it at 2. All four men in, Dandy on Chavo - right hand and headbutt takes him to the floor. Parka rolls out too. In the ring, Chavo back in - slap by Dandy, scoops him up, back breaker, Silver King comes in with a slingshot into a senton. Lightning elbowdrop. Dandy sitting him on the turnbuckle and climbing up himself - Parka over to help out, and he's got El Dandy on his shoulders - backing up. Chavo on the top turnbuckle, Silver King behind the other two men - Chavo off the top with a plancha while Parka drops Dandy forward, right onto his face. Park runs at King, who hiptosses him out and follows himself. Back on the top turnbuckle - Guerrero finds his tornado DDT - 1, 2, 3!! (4:25) Chavo's music plays this time. Holy shit, WCW allowing some hot lucha action on our of their shows again - how long's it been? Matches ending in Sid Vicious powerbombing everybody don't count, by the way. Give the chef my regards. Also, I see at least two signs with "sux" or "sucks" that didn't get video-distorted, so another point for WCW.

The Badlanders are WALKING!! Daffney's wearing a "WALL SUX" top which isn't video-distorted. You know, I'm starting to think I've FINALLY gotten through to somebody here.

WCW Magazine ad - I'd normally make a joke here, but the show's been pretty damn good so far, so it'll have to wait.

Brian Knobs uses his head when he wrestles - that's why this clip has him using a garbage can to pummel a wrestler

This portion of Thunder is brought to you by Castrol Motor Oily

Backstage, Miss Handcock tells Los Fabulosos that they need a little guidance...and some new clothes. Silver King is THE MACK: "Would you like to help us out of these clothes?" GOD DAMN, SILVER KING IS MY HERO!!

TEAM PACKAGE come out as Let Us Take You Back to Nitro where Hogan and Hennig felt the wrath of the weight belt and baseball bat. Package says that yes, he is in the house. Sting wants to play with the light switches - he's gonna pay the price on Sunday. Whoops, there's a video distorted sign - it ...hey! I think it said "SLASH WRESTLING!" Hey, that looks like a *vendetta* to me!! No, actually it said something like "SLAP DEEZ NUTS" so I guess I won't bother to mention that that's, like, one of THEIR OWN phrases...hey! You're video distorting Flair's head! Before Flair takes the mic, Luger asks the crowd to please be quiet and show some respect. "Hey - hey - you - fat boy in the front row - assume the position." Package is a 4% body fat Greek god and Elizabeth is the most beautiful woman in the sport. Monday, they destroyed Curt Hennig and manhandled Hulkamanai. Flair looks to the rafters and dares Sting to come on down. Flair says "fat boy" three or four more times. Flair's head gets video distorted again, har har har. Flair proclaims Hulkamania dead, and stomps on the weight belt. Flair offers to make a woman out of the fat boy's girl. JAMES HART comes out and tells Flair that he's turned his back on his son and his best friend because he's obsessed with Team Package. He's no longer the man, Hogan is the man. Apparently, Hogan's the man because "Larry King Live" is here to see Hulk Hogan and not Team Package. Also, Entertainment Tonight is here to do a piece on Hulk Hogan and not Flair and not Luger. Geez, Hart's an idiot, ain't he? Hart says Luger wouldn't break his arm, and Flair wouldn't talk bad about Hogan...if Hogan was in the ring. Package grabs Hart by the ugly jacket and DARES him to use the weight belt he brought down. Flair puffs up Package and then says "fat boy." Hart, having had enough, gets ONE good strappin' on Flair...before falling to a doubleteam. Torture Rack! Torture Rack! Flair removing the jacket - then the shirt - and now he's whuppin' him. "Hogan - where are you now?! You hear this?!" Hart is so white that the welts pop right up on camera. SECURITY is out a smidge too late.

Backstage, Paisley and the Artist are gazing longingly into each others' eyes - Psychosis grabs the belt and says something in Spanish. Kaz also grabs the belt and rambles in Japanese. The other two Jung Dragons appear but before anything can happen, Charles Robinson breaks it all up (yeah, that's realistic) then says that Kaz and Psychosis have an upcoming match and everybody else is barred from ringside.

Jimmy Barron is all about sitting poolside and calling in Road Reports. UNcensored is Sunday! No, really!

Let Us Take You Back to Moments Ago - Whip Me, Beat Me

Backstage, Hart is loaded into an ambulance - Hogan just finds out what happened thanks to J.J. Dillon stooging on Team Package. Hogan says he wants BOTH members of Team Package in a match tonight...make it happen....

PSYCHOSIS (by his damn self) v. KAZ HAYASHI (by his damn self) in a return #1 Contenders match - we are told that last week's match wouldn't stand due to the Artist's interference, so THIS one would instead decide the challenger for the title Sunday. For some reason, Kaz gets his last name back - just for tonight, or for good? Who can say in the wild world of WCW? Psychosis offers a handshake, and when Kaz goes for it, Psychosis grabs him and puts him in a side headlock. Ha! Into the ropes, powering out, shoulderblock by Psychosis, cover, 1, Hayashi nips up. By now you know that the logo means UNCENSORED DAYS UNTIL 4 so I shan't bother to mention it. Kaz finally gets off his robe as Psychosis pulls up on a dropkick. Clothesline ducked, spinning heel kick by Hayashi. SHWOOOOOOM - oh sorry. I got distracted. Psychosis rolls outside - Kaz running the ropes - TOPE CON HILO onto Psychosis! It took a lot out of both men - rolled back in - 1, no. Kaz outside and to the top - but he lands on the knee, and an atomic drop. Off the ropes, HUGE lariat for 2. Something muted here. Into the ropes, off the second rope, body scissors, Kaz with a wheelbarrow suplex for 2. Kick to the gut, right hand, into the opposite corner, Psychosis puts up an elbow to stop the charge, second rope, Psychosis on top, Frankensteiner - 2. Psychosis runs at Kaz, tilt-a-whirl but he lands on his feet. Another body scissors by Kaz, but Psychosis drops forward and rolls through into a victory roll - 1, 2, 3! (2:05) Kaz offers the hand...but as he goes to shake it, THE ACRONYM coes out and punks them BOTH out. Psychosis ducks, chops, chops, off the ropes, biiiig back body drop, he's got the belt! But Artist puts up a superkick RIGHT into the belt - and drops him. Artist off the second turnbuckle with the jumpin' DDT - now play his music!

Backstage, GENE O. works tonight! (Funny, he LOOKS sober...) WOW! He's standing in front of a door! Eventually, Jeff Jarrett emerges from behind it and says that even though WCW is trying to screw him, he'll have no problems walking through Booker tonight. Then - hehehehe - he tells Gene to "choke on that - slapnut!" HAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA

Tank Abbott is WALKING!

Hey, "Deliverance" is airing on WTBS Saturday at 23:05 (20:05 over here) - that's like required viewing for all pro wrestling fans, isn't it?

WCW Superstar Video/Nitro Girl Swimsuit Calendar Special ad

TONIGHT: Hulk Hogan vs. Team Package graphic!

Backstage, Bam Bam Bigelow is talking to..........Oklahoma?

YEAHBABY TANK YEAHBABY ABBOTT v. BUZZKILL - Let Us Take You Back to Last Week where La Parka went down - also where he tried to get his hands on Meng. Speaing of Meng, he's watching on a monitor and talking to ... hell, I feel bad, I have NO idea who that is. Anyway, he wants to get his hands on Tank someday. Armstrong's sign says "No War / No Guns / No Tanks" - clever, no? Abbott grabs the sign and breaks it. So Buzzkill spears him. They roll around a bit - referee Mickie Jay forcing the break - HAND OF STONE! Once again Abbott leaves the ring before the decision, yet instead of counting him out and declaring Buzzkill the winner, Jay stops the match. (:23) Then, Tank went for HIS KNIFE!!!! (Well, okay, no he didn't really.)

Backstage, the Harrisses are having a confab with Harlem Heat (sans Biggs)

Meanwhile, Wall - EXITS A LIFT! AND WALKS!!

During the Break, Daffney ran off screaming as Wall, having laid out Crowbar, walked off with David Flair on his shoulder...

THE WALL v. ? - when Wall fails to show, we check back in the concourse where Wall is dismantling a neck collar-less Flair - THEY'RE IN THE LOGE! Wall threatening to chokeslam Flair from the balcony to the lower level - yeah, right, what do you think this is, ECW? TRIPPA B appears "just in the nick of time" to put a stop to that - and now THEY'RE brawling. Actually, I gotta give some snaps to Tenay and Heenan - they almost had me thinking they'd roll with it. Back into the concourse - Bigelow bodyslams Wall through a WCW Credit Card application table! Hey, you know what we need now? That's right - the FLYING UNCENSORED LOGO!!! Looks like SECURITY has managed to separate these two men. Daffney screaming this whole time.

Meanwhile, Booker is WALKING!! Spying Kidman and Torrie making out on his way...Kidman: "Hey Booker - you have a good match now - good luck." Hey, that would have seemed a little more heartfelt if he hadn't been snickering through it....do you smell storyline?

Meanwhile, Jeff Jarrett and six breasts are WALKING!

The 1-800-COL-LECT replay is Bam Bam Bigelow interrupting the chokeslam that would have changed the face of wrestling forever - don't get me wrong, though, I'm GLAD they didn't do it.

Outside, Wall is loaded into a police car (!) and Bigelow shouts to him. "You know, you're gonna get out like you always have, Wall, and I'm gonna be right here!" Wall SHOWS HIS FANGS!!

The graphic sez: WCW World Heavyweight Title Rematch - "Reigning Champion" Sid Vicious vs. Jeff Jarrett

JEDOUBLEF JADOUBLEREDOUBLET (with six - THREE women) v. BOOKA for the United States Heavyweight Championship - hey, if we're REALLY lucky, Jarrett will tease having the women lift their tops, and then send them off just when we think we'll get some. Jarrett points to the video-distorted sign but WE aren't allowed. You know, I say Jarrett DOES get the title on Sunday. Maybe I'm just trying to be contrary, I dunno. Does Booker's music keep changing? There's the UNITED STATES HEAVYWEIGHT TITLE graphic as we start. Feeling out process - side headlock - into the ropes, shoulderblock, cover, 2. Off the ropes, Booker grabs the knee attempt and rolls it over for 2. Not one but TWO signs video-distorted this in this segment - hell, I think it's that sign I already pointed out earlier! I take back all my compliments. Jarrett with a shouldberblock, off the ropes, Booker with a dropkick. Hiptoss blocked, clothesline by Booker. Right, into the opposite corner, lariat by Booker, climbing the corner, Eight Punch Count Along, Jarrett tries an atomic drop but misses, Booker hits a side kick. Chop, into the ropes, Jarrett holds on - Booker tries a Harlem side kick and crotches himself when Jarrett steps aside. Jarrett takes him out, follows, and throats him on the barricade. Another hot shot-like manoeuvre. Back over the barricade - head to the STEEL steps. Referee "Blind" Nick Patrick out to stop this as Jarrett gets muted shouting to the crowd. Back in the ring we go - Jarrett perched on the top turnbuckle - BIG plancha but Booker rolls it through - 1, 2, NO!! Jarrett knocks him down again. Into the ropes, Jarrett throws an elbow but it's ducked, Jarrett with a sleeper when Booker comes back - to one knee - to two knees - he's fading fast. Booker all the way down now and Patrick checks in - Jarrett telling him to get ready to ring it - arm falls once - arm falls twice - will the arm fall thrice? Of course not...but it gets all the way to TWO INCHES off the mat - oooooooh - Booker back to his feet, elbowing out, off the ropes, spinning heel kick ducked, Booker with a sleeper of his own! Jarrett quickly elbows out, but Booker reverses the whip into the corner, elbow up to meet him - Jarrett off the second rope but Booker catches him with the 110th Street uranage - but ONLY 2!! Off the ropes, kick by Book, AXE KICK. Breakdancing up! SPINEBUSTER! 1, 2, Jarrett rolls the far shoulder at the last minute. Jarrett rolls out as we see the HARRIS BROS in the aisle - dammit. Patrick is out to send them off - Jarrett swinging the title belt and CLOCKING him. Jarrett covers - 1, 2, NO!!!!! Right from Jarrett, right, right, right, right, into the ropes, Booker holds on - HARLEM SIDE KICK! Ron on the apron and down with a punch - Don in and DOWN with a uranage! But now the numbers have him - Patrick, unfortunately, tied up with Jarrett - who was brandishing his silver gee-tar. H BOMB! Well, it's over - the Stroke is academic. 1, 2, 3. (6:32) Poor Booker. How about a little spraypaint? Nope - SID VISCOUS comes out and cleans house on all three NWO dudes - Jarrett escapes a chokeslam attempt and heads for higher ground. Play Sid's music!

Gene O. stands with Dustin Rhodes - Funk will have problems Sunday - tonight, Billy Kidman will know why he's the "American Nightmare."

Vampiro is WALKING! Who will he job to tonight?

"Beyond the Mat" ad - it starts FRIDAY! I'd go see it but I think I'll be wearing green and drinking.

"Positively Page" ad

Promotional consideration paid for by Slim Jim, Sauder furniture, and ToasterBreaks pizza from Hot Pockets.

Backstage, Booker is WALKING! He sees Kidman again and asks why he wasn't watching his damn back. Then he RUNS into the TV-PG-DLV ratings box! Yowch, THAT'S gotta hurt!

VAMPIRO v. WHO? HUGH! MORRUS - I guess Morrus took a couple months off to deal with his crazy ol' pop...HAH? Poor Vampiro - couldn't find anybody to sign his cast! Off the ropes, leapfrog, spin kick by Vampiro, stomp, stomp, stomp, elbow, chop, right, chop, right, kick, kick, headbutt, side headlock, Morrus with a NASTY belly-to-back suplex - Morrus elbow, Morrus elbow, legdrop, 1, 2, nope. Right, right, chop by Morrus, chop, turning to the crowd, Vampiro with a shove, Morrus shoves right back, succession of rights, munching on the skull - still Vampiro shoves him back, Morrus puts him through the ropes to the outside and follows. Clubbin' blow. Chop by Vampiro, shove by Morrus, gnawing on him again - scoop - and a slam on the floor! Morrus on the apron...ELBOWDROP!! Referee "Blind" Charles Robinson continuing to count even as he's on the floor - 7...now he's back in the ring and not counting anymore. Oh well. Morrus has the leg, Vampiro with a reverse enzuigiri - Robinson does say "8" - finally - "9" - Vampiro BREAKS THE COUNT?!? Morrus rolled in - Vampiro on the top rope - CAUGHT in a POWERBOMB! Cover - 1, 2, no! Morrus says "that's it" and he's going up top for No Laughing Matter - the moonsault FINDS the mark! But Morrus doesn't cover - he wants to....go outside and find a table? Crowd going nuts for the vastly underrated Hugh Morrus as he puts the table in the ring. I have a feeling this'll be his downfall. Stomp for Vampiro - he's setting him on the table and he's going to try for it AGAIN. Climbing up to the top - but Vampiro is off the table - and he's got Morrus on his shoulders - and dropping him BACK into the table! Vampiro covers - well, this'll be - NOOOO! UP AT 2!!! Both men making fun faces. Gutshot by Vampiro, NAIL IN THE COFFIN. 1, 2, 3. (5:32) FINALLY Vampiro gets a well-deserved victory in a hard-fought match over some REAL competition. Why didn't they give him this match a MONTH ago? TOTALLY BITCHIN'.

TONIGHT: You've seen the graphic, get ready to watch the match! (Well, in 45 minutes or so)

Gene O. stands with Billy Kidman and Torrie Wilson. Kidman says he was busy "preparing for his match" and couldn't go help Booker. Tonight, Dustin Rhodes gets a wakeup call.

Yow! The casket! It's too heavy...but if it could, it'd be WALKING!

Local cable ad hypes WCW Uncensored - optimistic of 'em, ain't it?

It's time for the Advanced Auto Parts "This Week in WCW Motorsports" report! Blaise Alexander was as high as seventh - must have been the NWO paintjob on the 81 car. Holy crap! Stevie Ray's promotional photo has the BUG EYES!! Wally Dallenbach raced in WCW paint - and crashed. Oops.

THE DEMON and SCREAMIN' NORMAN SMILEY v. BRIAN KNOBS & DOG - Let Us Take You Back Last Week where Demon defeated (Not) Rave. Smiley is wearing a KISS T-shirt tonight. Smiley decides to hightail it from the Dog, Demon eats a clothesline, and Knobs and Smiley brawl on the floor. Hey, did you know that there's only days until 4 Uncensored? Look out, Demon! Your head is video distorted!! This match is downright painful to watch. Smiley takes a trip to Pitty City, but also gets to do Dog in da butt while smackin' him up like a bitch, so it all evens out, I guess. Finish comes as RAVE & LANE appear and crotch Demon on the top turnbuckle - Knobs hits a superplex on Demon, then puts him on the shoulder of Dog for a super powerslam, which we are told is the "Dog Pound." Yikes. 1, 2, 3. (3:55) Sunday, Lane & Rave take on the Demon & Smiley - no word yet as to whether or not that's a "special main event."

TONIGHT: Stop me if you've seen this graphic.

UNcensored is Sunday! If you're wondering what other matches you might see, well here's a Special Video Look at...

Hey, are you wondering which ones DIDN'T get graphics? Well, thanks to wcw.com, I can tell you that also on the card will be