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/22 March 2000

WCW Thunder




First off, there's a good chance that everything that happens tonight will have absolutely no meaning. When we look at it THAT way, it's actually a lot more fun!

By now, you've hopefully visited Pro Wrestling Torch Dot Com (oh, I meant WrestleLine - har har har) for all the sordid deatils - Bill Busch has resigned following the news that your favourite cracka AND mine has come back to kill us all. This, of course, begs the obvious question: Haven't they learned ANYTHING? No, no, I meant THIS obvious question: When am I gettin' my twenty minute lucha libre matches back?

With Bischoff, I mean, it's not ALL good and it's not ALL bad. The bad, of course, can be figured out by going through the archives, where I enumerate in great detail all the problems I have - you know it, I know it, let's not rehash it.

However, the good that comes from Bischoff returning might be a bit harder to find, so here's a brief rundown - or rather, buildup:

  • Workrate returns Back in the "good old days," Bischoff wasn't afraid to let matches pass the magic ten minute mark - sure, half the time he felt like sticking a three minute ad break in the middle of it, but we'll let that go for now. Even with a good chunk of the "workers" recently defected, there's still plenty of people that can go - Booker, Kidman, Jarrett immediately come to mind; can we PLEASE get Hart back? How about Kanyon? Page? Why not. Sting might get motivated, right? Hey, Lane might be good for two segments of action. And of course, we've still got plenty of luchadors - hey, you may not believe me, but even *the Villanos* got over in WCW with wrestling action.


    Well, okay, I can't think of any more in this short time.

    How about a wish list, instead?

  • For the love of God, no more NWO With the big chance to hit the reset button that always comes with a shift in power, kill off the NWO once and for all. When Nash, Hall and Hart come back, QUICKLY write them back into WCW - they can still be Outsiders, just be a LITTLE more creative about it.

  • Legitimate Cruiserweight division You've still got the talent, so give 'em someplace to showcase it. You still need a hot match to open up the shows and PPV cards - this is the place. Quickly take the title off of Iaukea and give it to Psychosis - or Lane - or Kidman, if you can convince him it's not a step down from working the Heavyweights.

  • Give *real* pushes. A "push" is not just "jobbing higher up on the card." I think Bischoff might have clue on this concept, even as he barely demonstrated it towards the end of his last run...unfortunately, his most infamous push (Vampiro's - all the way to the New Year's Eve KISS concert) was his last one, so let's hope - again - that he's learned from that.

  • Oklahoma out - forever You want to be taken seriously? Lose this bush league crap. Reset button - use it here.

  • No Bischoff on screen Just completely avoid that thought. Bischoff can't HELP but get a lot more respect if he doesn't open himself up to critiques of his on-screen "performances."

  • DON'T mention the competition Speaking of bush league crap, the previous two points should suggest this automatically, but just in case they don't, let me say it here. You've got too many problems with WCW to bring up the WWF. Trust me on this one. Focus!

  • Commentary team shakeups For obvious reasons... Another reset button chance, go ahead and use it. Give Hudson a shot! Heenan's shaped up on Thunder, put him back on the #1 show. Hey, go ahead and MAKE Thunder the #1 show! There's no competition on Wednesdays and you have 24 hours of post-production available - go hog wild! Speaking of which...

  • Tell S&P to fuck off This is *professional wrestling*. Somebody's gonna say "suck" - deal with it and let it go. Don't spend ANY time video-distorting signs or muting chants - USE them to gauge audience reaction and BUILD on it.

  • Don't go hog wild on the immediate belt changes I've suggested a lot of uses for the reset button, but you'll notice I don't have a lotta quickie title changes. Russo tried that, and it sucked. So don't make the same mistake! Okay? Okay!

  • Find a way to let Russo, Ferrara and Banks do their jobs - but get ready to say "no" about 2/3 of the time - and stick to it. These three ex-WWF creative teamers can be a valuable resource to spice up the TV shows - but only when used that way - it's salt and pepper, not steak.

  • Make up with Terry Taylor Another guy you want on your team. Why'd Taylor leave for the WWF the last time? If Eric was involved, again, let's hope he's learned from his mistakes.

    Finally, and the most important

  • Listen to what's left of your dwindling audience WCW is sinking lower and lower - STOP the bleeding. That's the first thing. Figure out how to keep people from leaving before working on bringing them back.

    What? You say all this is *common sense*? Well, you'd THINK so...

    Oh, there *is* one more:

  • For the love of God, don't hire ANYBODY fresh off their gig writing show reports and/or fantasy booking for famous wrestling websites. Just in case somebody was getting that idea...and if you think they were, either you're right and they're MUCH more desperate than I thought, or (more likely) you're greatly exaggerating the 'Net's impact yet again. Don't get me wrong; there are PLENTY of people out there who could do great things - but none that I'd wish a WCW JOB on. Ha!

    All right, on to the show then.

    But first...

    I GET LETTERS: Thanks to Donald Dotson for tying up one loose end from last week: I was at Thunder, the sign distorted was a 4:20 sign with the pot symbol. The sign was taken away later in the show.

    They take away a sign with the pot symbol, but one of the wrestlers is portraying a drugged out hippie from the '60's.

    "WCW - drugs are bad, mmm'kay?"

    Keep in mind that this show was taped yesterday. Today the people at the top are out. So, like, don't bother to REMEMBER too much of this show 'cause in a month it probably won't matter what happens tonight. And hey, that means I'm off the hook if I can't entertain you! Ain't life grand?

    TV-PG-DLV - WCW logo - I'll bet THAT'll stick around

    Close captioned logo and "highlights" of Monday's quickie Sid turn - too late to prevent THAT, isn't it?

    WE ARE ON TAPE from the OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-rena in Orlandoooooooooooo, FL 22.3.2K (taped 21.3) and I'm gonna TRY not to interject a "change this/don't change this" into every paragraph - I SWEAR

    YEAHBABY TANK YEAHBABY ABBOTT YEAHBABY walks to the ring as we see highlights of Sunday (Dillinja) and Monday (Barbarian). Abbott takes the mic and lays out an open challenge. Who will provide competition?

    TANK ABBOTT v. FIT FINLAY - Sunday, Finlay beat up Vampiro in a bathroom; then on Nitro, Finlay bested La Parka, as these clips show. We come back and they've already started brawling. Finlay's a legit toughman, but he's not Tank Abbott you know. If you like punches, and I mean REALLY like punches, have I got a match for you! Finlay gets all relentless with the forearm, but all it takes is one quick turn back to referee "Blind" Mickie Jay to give Abbott a chance to UNLEASH THE RIGHT HAND!!!!!! Finlay rolls around a bit though, so he's not declared out. Suddenly, we hear the music and out bounds THEMONSTERMENG - Abbott turns to face HIM and Finlay gives him one more forearm to take him to the outside. Before any Meng/Abbott confrontation gets interesting, SECURITY is out to break it up. Oh, the bell rang in here - let's call it (DQ 1:46) Look out, Meng! ABBOTT'S GOING FOR HIS KNIFE!!

    Meanwhile, GENE O. works tonight! As he walks to the ring to talk to Finlay, perhaps...

    We cut backstage to see Sid Vicious and Hulk Hogan having a developing situation. Hogan...gently places Vicious on a table. Unfortunately, the cameraman is waylayed and the picture goes out.

    Back to the ring where Gene says he's never seen anybody take it to Tank like Finlay did. Yo, Finlay gets him some mic time! First, let me note the "I'd rather be at SmackDown!" sign, complete with lovingly rendered, strikingly artistic logo. "Listen to me, Gene. I've been wrestling a long time, and Tank Abbott is as green as a tropical treefrog. You listen to me! He needs respect for this business! And if I have to beat it into him, I will. HE does not belong in the WCW!" And now YOU KNOW WHO & SID VISCOUS are continuing their tango out and down the aisle. I think Finlay should KICK BOTH THEIR ASSES. Security is BACK out - Vicious rolls into the ring and security prevents Hogan from advancing. Finlay turns to Vicious and shoves him for interrupting his interview time - Sid responds by calmly chokeslams him. Sigh. Then as Gene tries to leave, Sid grabs him by the tie. "Where ya goin', old man? Hogan! (spits out gum) Don't think about it - or I'll break his damn old man! Shut up! SHUT YOUR MOUTH! Hogan! I know you said it to yourself - 'why, Sid - why?' Well I'll tellya - see, I've carried this damn company on my back since day one!" "This has got nothing to do with him! This is between you and me, Vicious--" "And then you show your bald-headed ass up here, and the company drops to their knees and goes 'It's Hooo-gannnnnn...' Shut up!" As Vicious drops to his knees, Okerlund gets all melodramatic with the choking - hey, he's not drunk, is he? "See what happens, Hogan, is you showed up - wrong place, wrong time." He lets go of the tie. "I'll tell you what, Sid--" "No no no - you shut up. Now if the truck would be kind enough to roll my video for explanation, and then you'll see - with your own eyes - right there! [clip from "UNcensored" showing Vicious asking Hogan to keep out of it] The beginning stage - the beginning stage of you sticking your ass in my business! And I pleaded with you, Hogan - don't step in - [clip of Hogan dropping the leg on Jarrett] and then again here you go - as if I couldn't beat Jeff Jarrett! [clip of the press conference after UNcensored] Wrong place, wrong time...and then in my moment of glory, my press conference, you stick your nose in the wrong place again - [clip from Nitro] so I decided, right here - here you come again, trying to steal my glory, when I was on my knees, I made the decision then to do this - set your ass up - set you up with your buddy (high voice) Jimmy Hart! Jimmy, thank you very much. And then BAM! BAM! BAM! (three angles of the chokeslam) And you can hear me whisper right I told you there Hogan, and as I tell you in front of all these pukes you call Hulkamaniacs - I tell you...your ass was in the wrong place - wrong time." "Let me tell you, Vicious - any place - any time, brother. Any place, any time, Vicious." Vicious giving the "bring it on" hand motion followed by the "wah wah I'm cryin'" hand motion. "C'mon, Immortal One - don't disappoint your fans - don' disappoint your fans, Hogan! Yeah - fly away, old man! Fly away!" Sid's music plays.

    This portion of Thunder is brought to you by 1-800-COL-LECT.

    Sid is STILL talking but his mic is down as we take a look at our commentary team of MIKE TENAY & BOBBY HEENAN. Heenan rightly says that Hogan is jealous of Vicious. Tonight, Jarrett vs. Bagwell for the US title! Earlier today, WCW cut a "Can we talk?" segment about what Sid did Monday night.

    First up is Buff Bagwell - he thinks Sid did two things wrong Monday night - he turned his back on his tag team partner, and he left Jeff Jarrett laying in the ring instead of finishing him off.

    Cut to the NWO dressing room, where they scoff at Bagwell's attitude towards Jarrett.

    WCW Superstar Series - Sid Vicious and Sting videos are now horribly out of date, but we'll still plug 'em - oh and the Nitro Grrls Swimsuit Calendar Special - three of THEM are gone, too!

    "Yo kids, listen up - I'm Brian Knobs, and when I wrestle I use my head! Use your head for school and leave the rough stuff to us...the pros." This transcription provided as a service to the fine readers of tOA who LIVE for quotes like this...

    The Wolverine Boots Stomp of the Night is Vicious' chokeslam on Hogan Monday, tonight's Hogan/Vicious brawl backstage, out in the aisle, and...

    We look backstage - Sid Vicious evokes offers to pay these security guys "three times over" if they'll help him tonight he'll be in the wrong place - at the wrong time. Time for a "WCW, and now" joke, I think.

    Gene O. stands with Dustin Rhodes, who calls Hogan a vampire and a disease - and he's the stake and the cure. Bloodletting and amputation are promised, but I kinda doubt we'd see that on a TV-PG show. Tonight Hogan bites the dust.

    Backstage, Hogan reacts strongly to this promo (wow, since when do all these people watch monitors?) Jimmy Hart: "It's because you are Hulk Hogan! ... Jealousy, man!"

    3 COUNT v. JUNG DRAGONS - Apparently, the chyron machine's broke 'cause I haven't seen anybody get a graphic to go with their entrance yet. I think Meng and the Dragon's use the same gong to start their music - it's very confusing! Both masked men start - Helms intimates that Whiteguy-san is mocking him with HIS mask, when really Jamie Howard is trying to hide the fact that he isn't Oriental. Shove, shove back, catch the foot, spin him around, do si do, allemand left, whoops, sorry. Side headlock, into the ropes, shoulderblock, off the ropes, up and over, leapfrog, BIG swinging flying headscissors by Jamie-san. Moore comes in unannounced and hits a spinning heel kick - Yang comes in to dropkick HIM - Karagias with a springboard plancha - Kaz with a missile dropkick. That's that. 3 Count on the outside. TRIPLE SOMERSAULT PLANCHA by the Dragons!! Back in the ring - it's Helms and Jamie-san - Jamie runs into a SUPERkick and goes down. Tag out to Moore, onto the top rope - twisting moonsault misses, tag to Kaz. Kick ducked, but not the second one. Ouch. Open-handed slap by Kaz. Whip into the ropes is reversed, holding on for the knee, tag to Karagias. While Helms works over Kaz, Karagias gives shots to Yang and Jamie-san, bringing THEM in and tying up referee "Blind" Charles Robinson - in the ring, Helms and Moore combine in a brainbuster/backbreaker combo on Kaz - then Karagias picks up Jamie-san in the atomic drop position and then DROPPING him into a veg-o-matic legdrop on Kaz! Jamie-san dumped outside - Karagias whips Kaz into the corner - but both boots are up - charging - Karagais presses him and drops him face-first. Chop, whip is reversed, bodyscissors, wheelbarrow suplex by Kaz! Both men tag. Yang ducks a clothesline, stops, and delivers a karate chop to Helms. Moore in - duck, repeated strikes to the body. *Karagias* in, full nelson applied - Helms advances but eats a dropkick as Yang lifts his body. MOORE advances but Yang backdrops him OVER himself AND Karagias - Yang steps on the foot and goes to the gut to finally break the headlock - then takes him over the top rope as Kaz takes a drop toehold from Moore and slides under the top rope. Moore over with a clubbing forearm on Yang. Karagias with the powerslam on Jamie-san on the outside - Moore into the corner, superfluous backflip by Yang, then running at him with a flying karate kick. Helms to the back to turn the tide - sat on top - Moore with a top-rope FRANKENSTEINER - and Helms immediately off the top from the adjacent corner with the frog splash! 1, 2, 3! (3:32) 3 Count puts the green circles in place to do a victory lip sync for us - but the Dragons storm them from behind with a triple dropkick to tak them outside - then they run off with the green circles!! 3 Count back in the ring - then they realise the ring is barren - yow! Now THAT'S a segment! Give it ten more minutes!

    Gene O. stands backstage with Hard Knox Chris Candido, who whines a lot about not being handed the Cruiserweight belt. That's his gimmick - he whines a lot. Yeah, I'm blown away, too. He tries to tell Gene one of his "Hard Knox" stories - but Okerlund dismisses the story of the Handicap match with Lou Thesz and Karl Gotch as a lie. Coming up - Candido vs. Guerrero - winner gets a Cruiserweight title shot!

    Did GOD just buy ad time on this show? Well, they can't be THAT hard up for sponsors, then...

    Hmm, strangely enough, TBS decides to advertise "The Devil's Advocate" in this set of commercials, too

    Jimmy Barron Needs To Be Fired Immediately - 1-800-CAL-LATT can find some other way to sponsor a segment

    This portion of Thunder is brought to you by 1-800-CAL-LATT!

    Earlier Today, Hugh Morrus empathised with Sid's turn - you gotta look out for yourself, and he's learned the hard way that nice guys finish last...Sid will have the last laugh.

    "HARD KNOX" CHRIS CANDIDO v. CHAVO GUERRERO JNR - yep, the chyron's broken - Candido gets a still frame with his name on it instead of that "electricity" thing they normally do. Chavo doesn't even get that - instead, we look backstage to see the Artist and Paisley watching him on a monitor - man, all these monitors this week! Monday Candido defeated Lash LeRoux on Nitro, yup. Artist sends Paisley out to provide guest commentary. Lockup, gobehind, reverse, reverse, Candido takes him down, a-mat wrestling we will go - Guerrero up, off the ropes, Candido ducks - got him up, Guerrero holds onto a side headlock and takes him over. In the corner, Candido with the head to the gut. PAISLEY is over now. Irish whip is reversed, Candido up and over, Guerrero takes him over the top rope to the outside, then hits a plancha off the top rope to the floor. Let's look at Paisley's cleavage instead of the match. Uppercut by Guerrero when we come back. Into the ropes, Chavo holds onto the ropes, then runs at Candido - right into a Ucallit suplex. 1, 2, nope. Another cover, another 2. Half hour suplex. 1, 2, Chavo kicks out. Chop, right, Chavo fires back, trading punches now, Guerrero hits the mat. Again they trade blows, now Chavo is coming back, into the ropes, spinebuster by Guerrero - into the ropes, reversed, Candido ducks the clothesline but Guerrero hits a...reverse crucifix? Paisley is over to talk to referee "Blind" Billy Silverman - Chavo is also over, so Candido hits a schoolboy - but only gets 2! Off the ropes with a powerslam. Candido climbs to the top - but THE ACRONYM is out and pushing him off - going for his jumping DDT but what actually happens isn't even close. Candido's a trooper and sells it, though - Chavo comes to and covers. 1, 2, 3. (4:06) Post-match, Candido takes out Chavo and hits his swandive headbutt - hey, how'sabout one more? Well, instead

    We take a slow pan up the greased up legs of Miss Hancock - they "drive me wild" - who? WHO? I WILL STAY GLUED TO THE TELEVISION DURING THIS AD BREAK

    On second thought, I think I'll go get some water. I got plenty of time.

    WCW onsale Friday for Spring Stampede in Chicago and Nitro in Rochester! Saturday tix on sale for Peoria, Nitro in Rockford, and Thunder in Syracuse. Buy 'em before they close up shop!

    Scott Steiner pumps up with the NWO Grrlz while the Harris Bros and Jarrett look on.

    XS v. MISS HANCOCK - no, that can't be right. Hmm, she undid her hair before the ad break - but now it's back in the bun as she walks out. "Ladies - forget about these two zeroes in the ring - I'M about to introduce you to two men who will make you squirm - two men who will make you squeal - two men who will make you do things you've never done before. Introducing Latin America's MOST desirable men - LOS FABULOSOS!" And out they come - Dandy looking like Spectreman, while King looks like Ultraman. King: "I am pretty!" They're both glittered up as well - hmm, didn't the XS cats used to be all into the glitter? Hancock joins the commentary team as XS jumps 'em from behind - Silver King dumped to the outside, Dandy put in the corner, back elbow by Rave, flying leg thingy which takes him to the outside by Lane. On the second rope - super DDT by Rave - 1, 2, Silver King breaks it up. Snapmares him over, tag to Lane - well he comes in with a stomp, then goes outside, THEN gets tagged in. Tenay asks Hancock when was the last time she had her eyes examined - Tenay's a RACIST! Kneelift by Rave, Lane dances and we cut back to Hancock, missing the move - cover, but referee "Blind" Nick Patrick is distracted trying to keep Silver King from getting in the ring - 1, 2, no. Heenan tells Hancock he wishes she could stick around a bit longer - then gives a CLASSIC Heenan leer to her backside. Heenan rules. King in, somehow, with a swinging DDT off the ropes when we come back. Dandy covers - 1, 2, Rave breaks it. Open-handed slap by Dandy, double whip into the ropes, double leapfrog, double drop toehold, sandwich tandem kicks, cover, Rave breaks it up. King tries a running heel kick to Rave, but he's outta there and King only finds the ropes. Dandy takes Lane into the ropes, reversed, body scissors, face plant by Lane, legdrop by Rave, King breaks the cover as Patrick occupies himself with Rave now. Knife-edge chop by Silver King - Lane runs into a hot shot, then King picks him up for a mini helicopter spin, an impressive somersault legdrop, then Dandy hits La Magistral for 1, 2, 3. (2:37) Which just goes to show the age-old rule... "New tights = win!" Hancock strikes a pose with her team in the ring - looks like it might be time to dance, but instead, we cut to

    NEXT: It's Steiner and the nipples - I mean, women! And they're WALKING!!

    But first, this word from God.

    When we come back, we're backstage and Disco Inferno is ordering a pizza under the name Vito LaGrasso. The Mamalukes come in and ask why their manager hasn't signed a return match for the tag titles yet. Then they say that THEY'VE booked HIM in a match - with Vampiro. They're taking their girls to Disneyworld. Yeeha!

    CHUCK PALUMBO v. BIG POPPA PUMP (with NWO Grrlz) - by the way, that's his name now. If you say "Scott Steiner," you get fined. Unfortunately, we don't get an exciting pre-match promo. I was gonna do play-by-play for this match, but ...c'mon. It's Chuck Palumbo, already. If you don't watch Saturday Night (and really, you should -it's the best WCW program on the air), Palumbo is the Jungle Jim Steele of the Power Plant. If he ends up winning, I'll go back and redo this paragraph. Oops, he didn't win. (Steiner recliner 4:01) Hey, Mike, can you CALL it that now that he's no longer Steiner? The commentators *do* go out of their way to make it look that, by losing, Palumbo is really getting a push - it is the WCW way. Heenan makes up for it a bit by calling him "Columbo" the whole time.

    NEXT: Disco Inferno laces up - and now he's WALKING!

    Meanwhile, Vampiro is sorta WALKING!

    Curt Hennig expresses dismay at Sid's recent turn

    "Ready to Rumble" ad in here - I don't know about YOU, but I can't WAIT!!

    DISCO INFERNO v. VAMPIRO - "Disco's in the hoooooooooooooouse! Now I know that everybody came to see the Disco Inferno dance...I am a manager - I am big money - but one thing I am not is a wrestler. [Tenay: I've been saying that for years!] So THIS is all you're gonna see of the Disco Inferno tonight." Everybody gets duct-tape-and-chicken-wire chyron tonight - I CAN'T stress this enough because they had *24 HOURS OF POST-PRODUCTION* invested in this show. Vampiro won on Sunday, here's the clips to prove it. Disco tries to impress upon the commentators that really he shouldn't be involved in this match, but they don't have much say in the matter really. Bell rings and Inferno is still standing at ringside - Vampiro approaches to try to pull him in, but instead Inferno pulls him to the outside - quickly they're to the commentary table and EVERYBODY scatters. Vampiro in control as the head hits the commentary table. Tries to whip him into Heenan, but he's paying attention, so Disco hits the barricade instead. Heenan does A FULL LAP to avoid this fracas. Back in the ring, kick, kick, jumping heel kick. Stomp, stomp. Open-handed slap. Tenay's finally back on headset as Vampiro picks him up, then throws him powerbomb-style. Heenan's back. Into the ropes, head down, Disco takes his head to the mat. Back up, big clothesline by Disco. Now *Disco* goes to the kicking, and stomping to boot. "Disco sux" chant is NOT muted, so props to WCW. Into the corner, the opposite corner, Vampiro gets up, back into the first corner, again he gets up. Hard into the opposite corner, sternum first this time. Side Russian legsweep - that used to be his finisher, but not tonight. Disco dances a bit, then puts Vampiro into the ropes - atomic drop, off the ropes with the swinging neckbreaker - the ALSO used to be his finisher...but not tonight. Through the ropes to the outside. Now rolled back inside. Off the ropes, head down, leapfrog by Vampiro, Disco catches the boot and catches a jumping back kick as well. Now Vampiro takes command - into the corner, out of the corner, running clothesline, back into the corner, back elbow by Inferno, second rope flip flop and caught in a uranage. 1, 2, no! Disco puts the shoulder up. Vampiro signalling - and climbing to the top rope - Disco staggering into a spin kick off the top - there's the Nail in the Coffin! 1, 2, 3. (4:29) Post-match, TEAM PACKAGE is over to IMMEDIATELY make sure Vampiro comes out of tonight jobbin' - *Elizabeth* slaps him!! (THIS IS) STING makes the save - "the brother in paint!" Ewwwwww, c'mon. Play Metallica! Nice cabana wear there, Flair. "They ARE the brothers in paint!"

    Gene O. stands with the Cat. He needs someone to carry his shoes - and brings out Mike Jones. Wow, he's come a long way from carrying the Million Dollar Man's bags, hasn't he? Tonight, he takes on THE DOG!! I've been looking forward to that match for THREE WEEKS!

    Jeff Jarrett T-shirt ad. "Listen Up Slap Nuts" - what the HELL do that mean?

    Promotional consideration paid for by Slim Jim and Judge Wapner's Cash Scam.

    Gene O. stands with Jeff Jarrett - Buff's gonna get cuffed, stuff, and he'll say "I've had enuff" - I'LL say that already, yeehar!

    NEW GODFATHER OF SOUL (with Mr. Jones & Funk On Ah Roll) v. DOG (with Brian Knobs) - you know, sometimes, you just have to cut loose and enjoy the fact that you're OUT there, and Tenay & Heenan provide a great example of this. Heenan: "Me & Mr. Jones" Tenay: "They have a thing goin' on!" Cat: "I'll tell you what - you know y'all need to leave your love affair at home you two big ol' fat-assed perverts!" Tenay: "He's BARKING!" Heenan: "Stick around, he'll start frothing in a minute - he could be rabid! You don't know where he's been!" Tenay: "You think he's had his shots, Brain?" Heenan: "I don't know - I wouldn't be surprised if he drinks out of the toilet!" Cat gives the "whoawhoawhoawhoawhoa" and then does a FLAIR FLOP!! Dog drops to all fours as well. Cat with the scientific shot to the nuts - I guess he wasn't spayed. Cat with the breakdancing (not People's - sure) elbow. Heenan: "And Knobs is gettin' him going, now Knobs is startin' to bark!" Tenay: "I guess that's really unique strategy from a manager, someone at ringside - but I guess that's the way he communicates with him!" Heenan: "'We'll go out there, Dog, and if you get in trouble, I'll bark.' That's STRATEGY, pal." Tenay: "Makes sense to me--" Heenan: "Sure, when you're dealing with a Dog and a Cat!" Dog plants Cat and turns to Knobs and barks. Back to Cat - into the ropes is reversed, short clothesline - Mr. Jones produces the red shoes but referee "Blind" Mickie Jay kicks them out of the ring - there'll be no shenanigans in THIS match, by God! Clearly he's not paying attention. As Jay turns to Jones, Cat goes off the ropes and takes a chain and collar shot - and STILL he kicks out at two. Tenay: "How many lives does this Cat have?" Heenan: (exasperated) "NINE. Know anything about cats? Ask Rodney." Into the opposite corner, Cat sidesteps the charge and hits a "hook kick" for the pinfall. (3:07) MATCH OF THE YEAR! Heenan: "Well, now we know. Don't worry about the chicken and the egg - we know the Cat's tougher than the Dog - we know that now." Knobs puts the leash on Dog and whips him all the way to the back. Cat gets in the ring and does his James Brown impersonation. James Brown! James Brown! James Brown! James Brown! James Brown! James Brown! Funk on ah roll! Funk on ah roll! James Brown! THIS IS MY GREATEST SEGMENT WRITEUP EVER!!

    Tank Abbott sums up Sid's turn: "Why'd Sid turn? Simple. Can't beat 'em - join 'em." Umm, beat WHO? Join WHO? Then again, isn't this the guy who wasn't gonna leave the ring because WCW forced him to lay down and ... oooooof

    Advance Auto Parts presents "This Week in WCW Motorsports!" Here's Wally Dallenbach, driver of the 75 WCW Ford, to tell us what it's like turning the steering wheel for a living. Even WALLY says the WCW logo sucks! Oh man, THEN he said that "racecar drivers are REAL athletes - not like those RASSLERS!" Can you believe THAT? The USHRA Monster Jam World Finals are this Sunday on pay-per-view - maybe Goldberg's gonna be there, too. Sure, he can't appear at UNcensored, but sign him up for the monster jam PPV!

    (Okay, he didn't really say that.)

    Brian Knobs roams the halls (or should I say, WALKS) looking for the Dog - he finds him ripping up his bags. "Bad Dog! Bad Dog!" He drags him off...

    Gene O. stands with Norman Smiley, sucking up by wearing an "Orlando Polar Bears" jersey. "Gene - I've done it! After arriving here in WCW and becoming a major player, I feel I have a bulls eye pasted on my chest - week after week, I'm being attacked by RUFFIANS! Ruffians! Hoodlums! And right now I feel as though I need someone to permanently watch my back. Gene, at this point I cannot reveal that, but right now, I'm gonna wiggle on outta here, take a roller coaster ride, and give it some more consideration."

    DEMON v. WHO? HUGH! MORRUS - Tenay thinks Demon'll watch Smiley's back - me too. Let Us Take You Back to Monday Night where Morrus snuck in one on Demon, presumably setting up THIS match. Percentage of the time commentators refer to him as "humourous" instead of "Hugh Morrus": 99% Perecent of screen time taken up by Morrus' wacky "pop:" 0% Demon does his stompin' bit - Morrus imitates it. Demon spews blood - Morrus imitates it - no, actually, he doesn't (thank God). Quick strike by Morrus to start, in the corner, knife-edge chop, slap, right, Demon fires back with a couple rights, Morrus stomps, whip into the opposite corner is reversed, but Morrus hits the clothesline - then sees a kid in the front row doing his "I caught a fish THIS big" arm stretch so he does it BACK, just for him. Off the ropes with his Laughing (not People's - sure) Elbow - one for the mat (a la Flair), stomp, stomp, stomp, Demon with a few rights, Morrus puts him in the corner - into the opposite corner, Demon ducks a clothesline and hits one of his own...but it has no effect on the Laughing Man. "Come on, baby - gimme some more! No no gimme something else" when the next one hits. Enzuigiri puts him down - but he's coming back up. Kick, kick, kick, elbow to the back of the head - off the ropes with the back elbow, 1, 2, no! Demon off the ropes into a spinebuster - is he going up? Yes! NO LAUGHING MATTER! Good night now. 1, 2, 3. (2:46) Morrus goes into his "I'm laughing/no I'm not" spiel - "Now that...hehehe...Hugh-miliating! Hehehe" I believe Herb Kunze first said "I love shoot comments that aren't supposed to be shoot comments."

    Outside, Knobs and Dog wait for their cue (they saw the Helmsleys do it and thought it was cool), then - yes! They're WALKING! Knobs puts Dog in the back seat of a car and drives off (Dog sticking his head out the window - 'cause, see, he thinks he's a dog! BWAAAAAAhahahahaha)

    Gene O. - WOW! - stands in front of an exciting DOOR!

    GTV - errr, the KidCam - catches Buff Bagwell doing his Sid Vicious interview - and *then* hitting on the producer, who blows him off.

    This portion of Thunder brought to you by GOD!

    Gene O. decides he's gonna open that door - but fails to find Sid Vicious behind it. Ooooooh, where could they have gone?

    Jiggle them boobies, front row girl!

    Let Us Take A Special Video Look at The Wall

    Gene O. stands with Jimmy Hart & Hulk Hogan - Any place, any time, brother - tonight, Hogan will prove to Dustin Rhodes that he's the greatest of them all. What'cha gonna do? What'cha gonna do? What'cha gonna do?

    NEXT: Buff Bagwell is WALKING!

    Meanwhile, Jeff Jarrett shares a word with Ron Harris - and now he, too, is WALKING!

    "Ready to Rumble" ad spot

    TONIGHT: Hulk Hogan vs. Dustin Rhodes - was this graphic necessary? "Have a nice life, you stinkin' mutt!" Knobs drives off and Dog - howls at the moon. One can only HOPE that just afterward, he turned to that camera crew and asked "yo, can you bros gimme a ride?"

    JEDOUBLEF JADOUBLEREDOUBLET v. BUFF IS THE STUFF for the United States Heavyweight Championship - say, whatever happened to that NWO Girl that lost the competition that Buff was consoling last time we saw him? THEY seemed to be getting along at least...Bagwell ducks a clothesline, right, left, right, off the ropes, shoulderblock, off the ropes, head down, into the ropes, duck, gutshot, off the ropes with a swinging neckbreaker. Jarrett with a right, right, right, right, right, right, kick, kick, arguing with referee "Blind" Billy Silverman. Into the corner, back elbow by Bagwell, Vaderbomb gets 2. The HARRIS BROS are immediately out, just in case you were getting interested in this match. Jarrett spins him around - right, right, right by Bagwell, though - into the ropes, reversed, apparently his ankle was grabbed but the camera missed it. Bagwell turns around and clotheslines him out. The Harrisses work him over then rolls him back in. Bossman straddle on the second rope. Jarrett poses. Into the ropes, Bagwell ducks, splash attempt misses as Jarrett ducks. Again the Harrisses pound as Jarrett distracts the ref. Now CURT HENNIG is out to even it up - left along in the ring, Bagwell takes control of Jarrett - Jarrett ducks the punch but not the forearm - dropkick! Dropkick! DDT - cover - Don on the apron and Silverman over to tell him to get down. Bagwell over - Don grabs him - Bagwell slips it just as Jarrett's elbow arrives and Harris goes down - Jarrett stumbles into the Buff Blockbuster but before he can cover and win the title, BIG POPPA PUMP is out (DQ 2:49) - he and the Harrisses remove Hennig's cast and put it on the top turnbuckle. Into the ropes, Hennig fights them off with one arm - until Jarrett kabongs his gee-tar on Hennig's head. Keep ringing that bell because it's SO annoying - meanwhile, there's a Steiner recliner on Bagwell. We cut to a crowd shot and the bellrining mysteriously ceases - which is weird, because I still saw Jarrett say "suck on DEEZ nuts" before they cut away - which seems like the kind of thing they would have edited out. Oh well. Heenan calls Tenay "slap announcer" just for grins. MY GOD! THEY OPENED UP A HOLE IN BAGWELL'S CHEST--oh, wait, that's just the graphic zooming in.

    NEXT: Hogan and Jimmy Hart are WALKING! Oh, the irony. Hogan says "...think about it, brother. Go ahead and take this red and yellow off, I'll take care of Dustin Rhodes on my own - put that business suit on, get Bill Busch and when I come out of the ring after I beat Dustin, have that contract signed with me and Sid, because I want that thing done when I get out of the ring. Do it, brother!" Say, do Busch's contracts still have validity...after he RESIGNS?!?

    Promotional consideration paid for by Lean Pockets from Hot Pockets, Jolly Time Blast O Butter popcorn and Sauder furniture!

    So, like, that guy's WHOLE JOB is to hand out sticks of Big Red for free? Did some eccentric millionaire die and leave this last request in his will or something?

    If I was a little kid and my parents bought me those "4 Fish Fly Free" videos, I'd probably turn gay RIGHT THERE.

    Close captioning brought to you by America Online! Since the graphics are broken, Mike Tenay didn't know to give it a voiceover - making it seem JUST LIKE you're hearing impaired!

    This issue of the WCW Magazine has a centerfold of Torrie Wilson! Heenan: "Aww, I don't think that's much - I've got that magazine; I've only looked at it 183 times."

    DUSTIN RHODES v. YOU KNOW WHO - How's Dustin's week been? Well, Sunday at UNcensored, he piledrove Funk on the bell - can't remember if he won or not. Monday he was beatin' up on Curt Hennig, but Hulk Hogan ran out and ruined THOSE plans. I guess that set up THIS thing, right? Heenan's so mad at Hogan, he could spit. THAT'S a pissah, Bobbeh! Rhodes immediately stomps away as Hogan enters the ring, face rake, uppercut to the gut, right, stomp, right, into the opposite corner, face rake, Hogan shrugs it all off and rakes the face right back. Hogan with a right, right, Rhodes rolls outside. Have these two ever fought before? Hogan follows - Rhodes to the barricade. Double thrust by Hogan - head to the barricade, Rhodes to the floor. Hogan picks him up and tosses him back in over the bottom rope. Hogan points, Rhodes begs off - kick by Hogan, right, right, right, Rhodes to the mat. Hogan picks him up for the Ten Punch Count Along - but after Nine, he bites him. Into the opposite corner, Hogan with a clothesline to follow it. Into the ropes, but the head was down, kick from Rhodes, right hand and Hogan goes outside. Rhodes outside, Hogan's head to the STEEL steps. Here we go to the commentary table - Hogan on the table, and rolled off into the commentators, who scatter. "Beat his ass, Dustin!" does NOT get muted - props to WCW. Have a seat, Hogan! Hahahahaha - right, right. Hogan rolled back in the ring as the commentators try to get back. Rear chinlock. Rhodes working that chinlock - work it, baby, work it! If you're gonna straddle him, might as well make a camel clutch out of it, huh? No, the chinlock - now a side headlock - is apparently good enough. Rhodes puts Hogan on his back, then drives a knee into the heart. Another knee. Hooks the leg - and a 2 count for Rhodes. Back to the chinlock. Referee "Blind" Nick Patrick lifts the arm - and it falls. Rhodes wrenching it in - arm falls twice. Patrick lifts it a third time - and it points "no no no." Tenay: "HOW THE HELL DOES HE DO IT?" Hogan to his feet, elbow, elbow, elbow, off the ropes, but right into a Rhodes clothesline - 1, 2, kickout! Hogan still on his knees - Rhodes drops an elbow to the back - but he's starting to Hulk up. Face rake, no sell. Right hand, nope. Right - he's on his feet and doin' the jackhammer and point. Block, right, right, right, by the numbers? No! Rhodes ducks the big boot and hits a lariat!! Rhodes goes for the cowbell - WHACK! Amazingly, Patrick does NOT disqualify him here - and Rhodes waffles HIM one for good measure. Wow! The bell FINALLY rings (DQ 6:22) as Rhodes rings Hogan with HIS bell. One more bell shot. Rhodes walks off...and Hogan's left laying. Hey, THAT'S kinda cool. Oh fuck...Patrick has THE STICK. "Dustin Rhodes, wait one minute - I've changed my mind, I'm not gonna disqualify you tonight. Now you've called this man out - this man is in here. You've got a ten count to get back in this ring and fight this man...or you're gonna get fined ten thousand dollars, and I'm gonna see about a little suspension time, too." Crowd counts along and Rhodes hits the ring at nine - axehandle for Hogan, right, into the ropes, reversed, big boot! Right where we left off...legdrop. Oh, blow me. 1, 2, 3. (7:52) "Hogan!" It's Sid Vicious on the video wall. "Hogan! Look up at me, son! See I got your lifeline right him - watch him as he - disappears!" And the Vicious chokeslams him through a table...and lays a contract on his corpse. Hogan runs backstage and does an "Oh God" for us - Sid CHAIRS him out! "Hogan - wrong place...wrong time! Wrong place...wrong..."

    And we're out.

    Next week: I'm inclined to think that by next week, THUNDER WILL BE SPECIAL AGAIN! Also, I make the over on that "CRZ can only last four weeks doing this show" bet. Come back, won't you?

    [slash] wrestling

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