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WCW Thunder by mdb |
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Show of hands, everyone who thinks this time next week everyone will hate WCW just like they always have. Caught somewhere on tape (Pepsis Center Colorado Springs Colorado 0-1 '00) it's WCW THUNDER! Show opens with Nitro highlights. Hmm, Abbot vs. Madden was missing. Wall's interference as well. Kidman's pin skipped. The guitar hit on Kim was edited, showing only before and after. There's Bret Hart standing and we cut to scenes earlier today. So I guess Bret just stood there last Monday and never did nothing? They could have at least had him do a tearful stare like the Indian seeing someone litter. Earlier today (yesterday) Eric and Vicne arrived at the arena in a black Porsche. Tony says it was a 911, I'm no car expert but that Porsche looked nothing like any 911 I've ever seen. More like a modified 944. We then go to Eric and Vince leading members of the new blood to the ring. Douglas has a "3" shirt on. Torrie, Buff, Miller, Scott Steiner, Vampiro, Kidman (thankfully out of the tanktop/jeanshorts outfit), Booker T, Wall are out as well. Tony and Bischoff both shoot by saying referring to Nitro as the previous night, not two nights ago. Eric says Nitro was everything it was supposed to be. It had "classic screwjobs." That's a new one on me. Bischoff gloats about the "car wreck" and Hogan's in a hospital bed. Now he passes the mic to Kidman. Kidman puts himself over. Hey, does Sid owe Eric $500,000 for taking Hogan out? Kidman: 'You shouldn't be booing me, you should be thanking me because you won't have to sit through anymore of Hogan's boring ass matches.' If only that were true, billy. If only that were true. Fans chanting asshole at him. TBS censor guy, wake up! Russo on the mic, 'there's a lot of noise in the building, it's almost like New York except this town sucks (cheap heel heat). Who lives in Colorado Springs, John Denver?' Douglas informs Russo Denver is dead. 'What, am I suppose to care?' (I admit that's a pretty good line.) Russo joins the 'Nitro was last night' group. Russo says he's Batman. Great, let's team him with Commisioner Ralphus. He runs down Flair some more, says he's 'gonna make Ric his New York bitch.' He wears Flair's watch as a necklace. Pass the mic, Douglas runs down Nature Boy. "Franchised" should not be used as a verb that means "beat up." Eric on the mic again. They should have had DJ Ran out there to lay down a beat for this segment. 'At Spring Stampede we'll have all new World champions.' What about the US title I wonder. Is it now the World US championship? Eric tells us also tonight Kimberly wrestles Medusa. Well here we go with the Russofication of WCW. Page's music plays and out he comes wearing a Whatever tshirt. Page says Kim's not wrestling and challenges Eric for a match. Page goes to the ring to attack Eric (despite there being a dozen other guys in the ring) but Bam Bam attacks him from behind. Tossed into the ring, big stompdown, out comes the Club, Sting, Sid, Luger, Flair. Big giant brawl in the ring, security joins the fun. Sid/Wall, Flair/Douglas, Vamp/Sting, Buff/Luger all get a bit of each other in the melee. And we go to commercial. What, no mic time for Vampiro? On the other hand no mic time for the Cat either What really would have been sports entertaining is if they handed the mic to the Wall and the Wall put the mic up to his lips and then just glared at the camera will holding the mic. Do that for 15 seconds and then pass it to someone else. -break- Your announcers are Schiavone, Tenay, and Heenan. They go over all the tourneys for all the titles sorta and some of the matches tonight. It's a great big mess. Maybe it'll be better at the end of the show. OPENING MATCH (aka It's only just begun) - Crowbar, Lash, and Moore (w/David, Daphne, and Helms) vs. Candido, Juvy, and Prince (w/Paisley) - Welcome back Juvy! Cruiser title will be decided at Superbrawl with a suicide six way, an elimination match with these six wrestlers. Match starts with Lash and Crowbar doubleteaming Prince, to the ropes, double clothesline ducked, Prince caught in a flapjackish move (facefirst Hbomb if you will.) Moore tagged in. He works over Ike, reverse to the ropes, trying to lift Moore up but it's countered with a dropkick. Candido and Juvy start arguing. Beachball in the ring! Another first for Russchoff! Candido and Lash do a short series of dodges and counters, Candido hits a short powerbomb, backs into the ropes and knocks Paisley off the apron (Why was she on the apron? Because we need a sport entertainment angle to the match of course, wrestling a wrestling match ain't good enough) and David Flair catches her. Paisley smiles and says thank you, David dances for her. Paisley's impressed, Daphne's not. She takes the crowbar between his legs and pulls him away from her. Daff complains then Paisley gets upset and slaps David. Back in the ring Lash hit a back suplex on Candido, but who cares about that, right? Two tags later, Juvy is chopping Moore. To the corner for the Ten Punch Countalong. Colorado Springs must not get ECW or else they'd know it's uno, dos, tres. not one, two, three. Juvy's tights say Juice Doobie Doo for those keeping track.. Moore with the advantage, knee to the gut, rockerdropper, tag to Crowbar. Crowbar's follow up offense on Juvy is to drop to the mat twice to remind us he's crazy. Heenan says he's surprised to see Crowbar in the ring again after the Wall was done with him. Hey Bobby, that never happened. Didn't you get the memo? We're starting over here. Juvy and Crowbar with standing switches, northern lights by Crowbar gets 2.7. Juvy's flying headscissors takes Crowbar out of the ring. David goes to throw him back in and Crowbar and David start to fight. Then they have to stand around ready to catch Candido who's got the next spot of doing a plancha on Crowbar. Candido and Prince start punching each other outside the ring. Crowbar hits a WICKED sommersault plancha on Candido. Lash with a pescado on Candido and Crowbar. I hear a train a-comin.' Moore and Juvy in the ring winds up with Air Juvy's no hands sommersault plancha from inside the ring onto the four on the floor. Moore then hits a moonsault off the top rope on the five outside. Most trainwreck spots are very contrived but this one went pretty well with only Candido's as buisness exposing. Back in the ring Moore hits a reverse diamond cutter on Crowbar. Helms to the top rope to add to the damage but Daphne stops him by climbing up and executing a top rope huricarana on him. (!) Dapne laughs. Tony says she's her own cheerleader. What she needs is someone to cheerlead for her. Somebody get K'monIWannaLeia Meow back on my TV. Juvy Driver on Crowbar bends Storm's neck just a bit, if Devon were any taller that might have been trouble. Juvy covers, Candido stops the count. Candido with a jawbreaker on Crowbar, Crowbar picks Candido up for a fireman's carry, Candido escapes, Prince and Candido hit a double DDT and before the ref can count Prince and Candido go at it. Idea here is that they are all trying to impress Russchoff by getting the pin. Candido hits the swandive, 1 count, Prince stops the ref, Candido stands up, Prince hits his jumping DDT rather well this week. Then Prince leaves the ring (Russchoff will be so impressed!) Lash, Juvy, Helms and Moore are duking it out at ringside. Crowbar hits a sitout gourdbuster (falcon arrow?) for the three count. Schiavone thinks this win will give Crowbar the inside track this Sunday because Tony's an idiot. WINNER OF THE MATCH - Crowbar (6:25) ~!~!~!1/2 Gene interviews Page as sounds of the match we just saw play in the background. Says Kim's match won't happen and Bam Bam, Jersey style badda bing boom bang. Cut to Harlem Heat 2K in a room. Russo and Tony say hi to each other. Eric says 'I've never met you and you're in my chair.' Ahmed gets up and gives Eric the evil stare. Eric tells him he shouldn't do that, Russo reminds Tony that this isn't NY. Bischoff sells HH2K on beating up Sid. 'What kind of opportuity is that for you? If you don't take him out Sid will keep you down.' Someone help, my Russo logic to real world logic translator is broken. I don't how or when Sid holds down Harlem Heat. -break- We're back with Stasiak getting his TV makeup done. The word perfect is said twice or thrice. Ooooh. And here's Hennig into the room and attacking from behind. Punches exchanged and a few seconds later they are seperated by a half dozen security guys who happened to be waiting around outside the room. Stasiak will be known as "The Perfect One." Take that McMahon! SCREWJOB SETUP #1 - Sid vs. Harlem Heat 2k (w/Biggs) - Sid with weak clotheslines on Ahmed and Stevie. We're informed Sting has to wrestle three Villianos to make it to Superbrawl's US title tourney. Gee, think he can do it? Cash runs the ropes, big boot from Sid takes him down (not a bad spot) Sid choking Jay Biggs. If these people would stay off the ring apron they'd not get in so much trouble. Marks in the crowd chant Sid. This match is about as bad as you'd expect. Punches and a doubleteam spinebuster (that Ahmed tries very hard to mess up) and punches. Here's Booker T now to take out Harlem Heat. Sid's Millenium bomb on Stevie gets the pin. Here's Wall with a chair to attack Sid. WINNER OF THE SCREWJOB - Sid (2:56) ~?~?~?~? Cut to Russo and Bischoff watching the show in the back. 'Did you know Booker was going to do that?' 'Yes of course, we wrote it in the script, right here on page 7 it says Booker does the first of many, many run-ins followed by, er, wait, I mean..no, no I didn't know.' They're upset with Booker messing with their plans. Hey guys, if you don't want Sid in your little tourney, don't give him a chance to get into the tourney. Bischoff goes to the ring where Sid is still out cold from the Wall's chairshot. WCW's chairs must be made of some more deadly material than the WWF's or ECW's. Eric checks to make sure Sid is dead (<-insider joke for the smarts!) Eric reverses the decision due to outside interference. Sid doesn't go to Chicago, he can stay at home and watch his pigs breed. (I'm worried Russo will send a camera crew to get footage of that) Announcers are shocked Sid won't be at the PPV to be part of the US tourney. NEW WINNERS OF THE SCREWJOB - Harlem Heat -break- Jimmy Hart's looking for Bischoff. Eric's in the locker room chewing out Booker for interfering.. SCREWJOB SETUP #2 - The Franchise vs. The Total Package (w/Liz) - Heenan talks about Eric yelling at Booker, 'sometimes you've got to spank a guy publicly.' I'm guessing Russo just got another idea. Highlights of the Douglas/Flair bit from Monday plays. Luger starts the match punching Douglas, stomping. He runs the forehead across the top rope, chokes Shane with his warmup pants. Whip to the corner, clothesline, forehead across the top rope again. Clothesline times two, flying forearm gets two. Shouldn't Douglas be out cold? Whip to the corner, Luger charges in, catches a boot. Shane hits a clothesline. I can't help think how much easier my life would be if I skipped the play by play and just talk about Russchoff since that's all the announcers who get paid to call the match do. Shane does a not so good belly to belly (Tony called that one!), to the top rope, Luger counters. Shut my mouth, they've gone to calling the match. Outside the ring Luger throws Shane into the unsafety rail. They've covered the steel rail with black material, I guess to make it look more like the WWF's version. Luger hitting Douglas's head on the ring apron. More kicks and punches and clotheslines then Shane inadvertanly hits the ref. Flair does a run-in. Punches, chops, lowblow, sets up the Torture rack by Luger. Ref wakes up and calls for the bell. Fans aren't quite sure if they want to be cheering for Luger. WINNER OF THE SCREWJOB - Total Package (3:59) ~?~?3/4 Jimmy Hart finds Bischoff. 'Why did you do that to Hulk?' Bischoff mocks him. -break- Hey The Game is going to be on TBS. We're back with more talk from the announcers. Here's a security cam view of the White Hummer attack. Hogan has head trauma and cracked ribs and external bleeding. Security cam doesn't catch Hogan doing the blade job on that one. Jimmy Hart in the ring to complain about the treatment of Hogan. Kidman's music plays. Billy and Eric talk things over. Kidman sprints to the ring and beats up Hart. Crowd boos. Kidman spraypaints NB (I guess he likes New Balance) on Hart to cover up the welts from his whipping two weeks ago. In the lockerroom Page and Kim talk. Once again we get to hear the crowd oohing and aahing to action in the ring. Well they're not busy muting asshole chants from the fans or blurring signs that I've noticed so I don't know why we're hearing the background noise. I suppose on the good side it's real reactions and not canned heat. Oh, Kim is determined to wrestle the match tonight. Thunder Ringside Release is an Episode I video game, Jedi Power Battles. COLORADO COLLISION MATCH - Kind of like a Royal Rumble. The six New Bloods that are up for the US title are in an elimination style match where two men start and a new guy comes in every minute. Booker vs. Wall to start. Booker punches. Wall stomps. Harlem sidekick, uranage, axe kick. Wall goes outside. Ernest Miller comes in at the 1 minute mark and a superkick sends Booker out of the ring. Wall puts Booker through a table at ringside. Ref counts both of them out (1:39) Miller grabs a mic and says the same stuff he's been saying for years. He starst to dance. Minute interval is about 20 seconds off. Cat's music plays and he dances. No sign yet of the fourth guy in this collision. Scott Steiner is out at 2:45 and Miller who was still dancing turns to catch a lariat. Scott beating up Miller, clothesline ducked, Miller hits the best kick I've seen him hit in years, foot right in the face of Steiner sends Poppa Pump to the mat. Miller does his Ministry of Funny Wrestling Moves elbow drop. About 40 seconds off, the next guy is on the way. Check that, Kidman's music plays but Kidman (w/Torrie) isn't in a hurry to get to the ring. Steiner regains control against Miller, backbreaker, overhead belly to belly suplex. Kidman runs in and pins Miller (4:10). Steiner hits a clothesline, press slam, Kidman dropped face first. Vampiro's last out. Steiner just pinned Kidman after a belly-to-belly. (4:43) Welcome back Billy, midcard was getting lonely without you. Kidman and Miller fight outside the ring. Sting runs in to deathdrop Vampiro so we get the Steiner recliner on Vamp and the ref calls for the bell. WINNER OF THE COLLISION - Scott Steiner (5:33) ~?~?1/4 Here comes Medusa! Watch out, looking at her will turn you to stone! Here's Kim walking! Looking at her won't turn you to stone, but it'll get you close, if you know what I mean. Some reporters will probably mention the headlights shinning here. -break- Gene interviews Team Package. No one can interfere to help Ric in Flair's match or there's big suspensions and fines and stuff. SCREWJOB SETUP #3 - Medusa vs. Kimberly - Good old Mike Tenay tells us the guitar shot Jeff delivered to Kim was 48 hours ago. With Kim's way of entering the ring, Kim's been watching Francine I think. Medusa laughs at Kim being in the ring to wrestle. Remember when the Nitro girl pinned you Medusa? Page watches from the back. Gold old Bobby Heenan goes with 48 hours ago as well. Medusa abusing Kim. Page runs out to stop Medusa from beating up Kim. He tosses Medusa, Medusa hits a series of kicks on Page. Page diamond cuts Medusa and the fans cheer because beating up women is fun. Robinson calls for the bell. Storyline is Kim isn't happy about Page coming in to help. WINNER OF THE SCREWJOB - Medusa - (1:23) ~?~?~?~? -break- THREE-WAY HARDCORE TAG MATCH - Knobbs and Finlay vs. Meng and Hugh vs. Funk and Smiley - Team that wins the match goes one on one at Superbrawl for the hardcore title. When I did my second or third Thunder report months ago I wrote a skit between Funk and Smiley over the hardcore title. It was quite good as I recall. I'll use the excuse of too much happening at once to explain why I'm not doing play by play. It's not because I'm lazy, tired, and garbage matches just don't deserve it. Superfro Meng and Knobbs brawl out into the audience. Funk and Finlay in the ring. Hugh Morrus has Smiley on a table by the entranceway. He takes a dive off the stage for an elbow drop, Smiley moves out of the way, Hugh is lucky to catch a corner of the table, he almost missed completely! Bring it in a little closer next time, new jack. Schiavone talks about right place, right time. Meng and Knobbs fight with a bunch of foreign objects. Ok, here's a funny moment in the match. Someone sets up a Goldberg lifesize cardboard figure (you know, like the one that threatens highway cops) in the area where Meng and Knobbs are fighting. Meng takes a moment while Knobbs is down to spear the cardboard cutout, breaking it into pieces. I like that. Tony says Meng didn't know that wasn't the real Goldberg. I guess being a savage from the jungle he lacks depth perception (talking about Meng, not Tony, though now that I think about it..) Knobbs tries to spray Meng with a fire extinguisher but Meng uses a Goldberg cardboard section to block. Clever savage! Meng hits Knobs with the cardboard and Knobbs sells for it. Unreal. Meng and Knobbs head outside. Opps, Knobbs just missed a clothesline and took a giant (<-insider joke for the smarts!) drop off a balcony. Tony says it must be at least 30 feet he fell. Cameraman get the shot! You can sell the tape to Francis B. Gross for Faces of Death V! Shouldn't Meng be declared the winner by accidental death? Ok, that segment's done so we switch to the other four. Smiley and Morrus continue their stuff. (Norman's screaming is back) Funk and Finlay continue their thing. Tony talks about getting EMTs and doctors for Knobbs. Morrus crotches himself on the tooth of a big plastic lion head (no I'm not bothering to explain) and Smiley talks about the wiggle rather than getting the win. In the ring Finlay has a table up, diagonal in the corner. Funk throws Finlay into the table because Russo remembers that going through tables is how Fit got hurt so let's do lots more of that. Piledriver by Funk on Fit on the table. Out runs Dustin Rhodes. He beats up Funk. Shattered Dreams on Funk. Dustin hits the canvas next to Funk with a chair. Funk and Rhodes sets up another table. Smiley enters the ring and pins his partner Funk to win the match for his team, because that's the logical thing to do. Funk vs. Smiley at Superbrawl for the hardcore title. You should all go to /slash over at CRZ.net and dig up my version of Funk vs. Smiley in the archives. WINNERS OF THE MATCH - Funk and Smiley (7:14) ~!1/2 Eric and Vince tell the Villianos to beat up Sting. I'm not even going to get into the stupidity of this. Elsewhere Sting looks all mean and tough as he walks. Recorded from the Rumble premeire, Page with wife Kim tells us we should go see Rumble. I should mention Sting did one of these spots earlier in the show. -break- Jarrett is pissed. He complains to Gene and does the same interview he did the last two or three months. SCREWJOB SETUP #4 - Buff vs. Flair - Have we seen this one before? Evil nWo ref Mark Johnson is back from class I should note. Lockup, chops by Flair, whip to the corner reversed, backbody drop on Flair. Crappy clotheslines (learned for Luger I'd say) Oh hey there's a blurred sign! Buff punches Ric's forehead. More punches on Flair. Flair hits a chop, Buff punches and Flair hits the mat. Stomp, stomp. Flair gets a kick in, Buff falls, elbow drop. Flair punches Buff down. They fight outside the ring. Russo in the crowd dressed as Sting hits Ric with a bat. Ring the bell. Douglas joins the beatdown of Flair. Luger comes out and he gets dropped. Ding, ding, ding, ding. Beatdown on Team Package. Ding, ding, ding, ding. Does ringing the bell during a beatdown serve any purpose anymore? WINNER OF THE SCREWJOB - Buff Bagwell (3:03) ~?~?~? -break- SCREWJOB SETUP #5 - Sting vs. Tres Villianos - Sting in the ring, Villianos tripleteam, toss to the ropes, the Vs do a chorusline triple kick to Sting's gut. Cool. Stomps and such. Triple headbutt. Nice. Downhill from there. some stuff leads to Sting's double death drop and two Villianos are pinned. (1:02) Third V attacks from behind setting up a ref bump. Does it matter what goes on from this point? Clotheslines, low blows. Guitar shot on Sting. Ok now I'm confused because the announcers make a big deal about the unmasking. I thought I heard them already say Jarrett was the third Villiano in a previous segment. Forget it Jake, you can't change WCW. Page in the ring, he diamond cuts Jeff and Sting gets the pin. Wasn't that exciting? WINNER OF THE SCREWJOB - Sting (2:32) ~!~! for the trifecta offense, ~?~?~?1/4 for the rest -break- Michael Buffer shown at the Hollywood premeire. Earlier tonight (last night) Russo and Douglas and Buff beat up Flair and Luger. The announcers agree that Russo is a GENUIS~! to be able to think up something so wonderful crafty, original, innovative, exciting, breath-taking and dynamic as dressing up as Sting and beating up Flair and Luger. MAIN SCREWJOB SETUP EVENT (aka It's almost over) - Page vs. Bam Bam - Oh good lord, Tony Schiavone says 'Last thing we saw at Nitro was Bret Hart confronting Russchoff. Do we know anything about after that?' I don't know Tony, do you? You were there you f'n moron. Just because you're a savage that lacks depth perception is no excuse. Lockup, Bam Bam with forearms, stomps Page in the corner. Haven't seen that before. Page takes controls with punches. Top rope clothesline. Bammer hits a samoan drop. Is the fake crowd noise back? Camel clutch by Bigelow. Toprope headbutt to the kidney for a 2 count. Powerbomb attempt, Page punches out of it. I'm going to skip the rest of these match (ref bump just happened) to remenience when Nash tried to powerbomb Chris Benoit and Benoit punched out of it. That was like the markout moment of 98 (or was it 97?) for me. I still got that on tape. Eric comes in to be ref, Page attacks, Jarrett hits the kabong on Page, David Arquette jumps in the ring and gets beat up. Stroke on David. I refuse to make a telephone joke here. Kanyon in the ring to fight Jarrett for Page. Oh what a sweet swinging neckbreaker he just hit. I'm on record asa Mortis mark so I hope they push this guy hard, but I fear Kanyon is SO DAMN talented he's destined to remain stuck in lower midcard as long as he's in WCW. Eric hits that lethal chairshot of his on Kanyon. The new Blood order comes to the ring to beat up and spraypaint everyone. WINNER OF THE SCREWJOB - ummm Bam Bam? (missed the time) ~?~?1/2 Is it too soon to be tired of the new era? mdb [slash] wrestling WrestleLine WCWUniverse Workrate Cru Mail the Author |
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