NEWS RELEASE - FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

On the May 1st edition of WCW Nitro, shown on Time-Warner's cable channel
TNT, Tony Schiavonne, AKA You Sunnuvabitch, one of the alleged
commentators for said program, stated that Eric Bischoff, an executive
employed by Time-Warner in a WCW-related capacity, was not the "Knute
Freakin Rockne of professional wrestling", but was more like the "Woody
Hayes" of professional wrestling.  Given the nature of this blasphemy, the
"Buckeye Union of Concerned Knuckleheads" (BUCKs) has no choice but to
issue a declaration of jihad against Mr Schiavonne.  Members of the
faithful who take this duty upon themselves should be aware that Mr
Schiavonne is not to be killed, but instead just bitchslap him for about 5
minutes like it was your job.

You know, it's my civic duty as a citizen of this great nation to help complete strangers point out to the world that sometimes, you can go over Bob Ryder's line. Slamming *THE GREAT Woody Hayes* is just too much.

(Who's Woody Hayes, anyway?)

A Live Nitro report from Moses is up next: Chris,

I was second row ringside for Nitro. First let me tell you the barn was empty brother. WWF does not have a seat to spare while nitro couldnt even get close to selling out the second level of three. Amazing. One thing that struck me as dangerous was sting coming out of the rafter. The rope came right in front of us. The guy in front of me grabbed the rope and no one stopped him . He dropped it when sting got near him but it could have been nasty. Hogan got huge pops, crowd went nuts when Hogan delivered the big boot . Kidman drew good heat. One thing that was funny . Arquett drew heat from the smart fans. We cussed him pretty good. Letting him know we were not happy him holding the strap. Kanyon gave us a smile as to say (at a boy) . The fan that jumped the rope sat next to me. He waited to the last thirty minutes to don the shirt and sting mask. I dont think he was too stable and you are right the were stunned till he took off the mask, and they worked him over good after they got a hold of him. I talked with the guy he was with. (His brother) he said I dont know what the hell he was thinking. I told him he needs to get bail money together. The red stuff covered us . Red and extremly sticky. We are sending WCW the bill. Hogan completly sold the part and was very impressive. Only thing that disapointed was Flair didnt get to work the mic. Thanks and I enjoy reading your articles.

Thank YOU for the insight! Our readers make WrestleManiacs great! That's not sarcasm!

Okay, my turn...settle in, it could get bumpy!

Oh, damn! "Ripley's Believe It Or Not! will not be seen tonight, so we may bring you a special presentation of WCW Thunder. Ripley's Believe It Or Not! will return next week at its regularly scheduled time." By God, they ARE making Thunder special! It said so RIGHT THERE!

WCW logo - TV-PG-DLV ratings box

Nitro "highlights" - close captioned logo means you can read what was said about two cuts ago at any given time

Opening credits - Oklahoma's out, Awesome is in. Also they've superimposed some new numbers near the end - it's kinda neat

Light the pyro, we are on tape from the "legendary" Mid-South Colesium in Memphis, TN 3.5.2K (taped 2.5) and already, something's afoot...

Backstage, the unblinking eye of the WCW camers has caught the Millionaire's Club (and Friends) ... lying in wait for Bischoff, apparently.

Your hosts are the AWESOME 3. Why does Tony keep saying "War Zone?" Everybody knows that's on USA Mondays at 10! It's the last chance to sell Slamboree (the Legends' Reunion) and everybody's got an opinion!

Back we go to that shot - everyone looks EXACTLY the same. Horace is manning the door, and he says he spots them arriving.

We cut to a shot outside the big metal door, where a black limousine arrives. When a honk of the horn fails to get the door open, the driver exits and knocks. The door slowly raises - and the limo is rushed . Bischoff, Russo and Jarrett...I think Bagwell...all go down to the numbers. Security is attempting to break things up - hey, let's take an ad break. It's ONLY been five minutes, after all.

THIS portion of WCW Thunder on TBS is brought to you by Castrol Motor Oily!

Here's WesternUnionSlamboree ad #1 - I sure hope they show it at least four more times! Arquette has been added to the mix

Moments ago - three paragraphs ago - oh, I see, Bischoff and Russo had the limo, along with Jarrett - looks like Bagwell and Douglas were in the car right behind them...eh, who cares.

Back to "real time," where Russo walks into the office to see Vampiro, Kidman, Wall, Stasiak, Steiner and Candido and Tammy, throws a tantrum, then tells them all to walk out with him. Yup, they're all WALKING!

As "Iron Man Riff And Other Stuff" plays, out comes VIC VENOM and the NEW BLOOD ORDER. Who haven't I mentioned yet? Awesome, Liz (with security in tow - but wait..on Monday...eh, screw it), and Cat's out there (but he...eh, screw it). Russo's gonna speak! "Cut the damn music! Millionaire's Club, are you guys kidding me or what? Eric, do they know who we are? We are not here to play games! So I'll tell ya what, bring your asses out to that stage now, every single one of you pieces of scum." "American Made" plays and Douglas gets first mute of the night, even as Russo is watching his language. Here's the MILLIONAIRE'S CLUB, HUGH MORRUS, CHRIS "CHAMPAGNE" KANYON, HORACE, KRONYKKKKKK, and CURT HENNIG. The mic is in the hands of Ric Flair. "Kill that pathetic music! You know what? These people cheer you 'cause they're scum - just like every one of you! And Flair, I'll come up there and smack that smile off your face! You guys wanna gang war tonight? Well that's exactly what we're gonna do. Me and the boys, we're gonna go to war tonight. So what I'm gonna do, I'm gonna take off my boots, and put every one o' your names in that boot. And one by one, the New Blood, they're gonna pick out a name, and they're gonna beat your sorry asses individually. But, we're gonna do it MY way tonight - tonight, NEW YORK RULES - and what that means is, there are no rules. There are no referees - you beat the guy, you count it. Whaddaya say, Slick (Dick)?" "Have you really taken time to take a look at who you're talkin' to, dip(shit)? [unintelligible] woooo! Vince, Vince, Vince by God Russo, you are looking and talking to a collection of the greatest wrestlers that ever lived, woooo! And yes, we accept your challenge! But one difference - we're gon' take that boot and shove it up your (ass)" and they storm the ring. Of course, the first guys to bolt are Russo, Bischoff and Kimberly. Security and cops get involved. Page is shoving cops! Hey, how about another ad break?

There's a new WCW MasterCard ad! It features Buff Bagwell. Card designs shown are Goldberg, WCW, NWO, Sting, Nash and Bagwell.

The 1-800-COL-LECT replay is an overhead shot of the brawl in the ring, Bischoff and Kimberly running off, and several othe rangles of random violence.

JEDOUBLEF JADOUBLEREDOUBLET (with Kimbrrly) v. CHRIS "CHAMPAGNE" KANYON with New York Rules - there's our first airbrushed sign of the night. "I'm gonna make this short and sweet - Chris Kanyon, surprise, surprise - the Chosen One has hand picked your slap ass to kick tonight. And it ain't just me that you got heat with, you Hollywood wannabe - Kim right here wants me to leave you flat on your back, just like she did to her used up husband. Now get your slapass out here Kanyon, so I can kick it." "Oh Page, honey - Page...I've been talking to Eric Bischoff a lot lately, and the more I listen to him, the more I understand that...you are just not good enough for Kimberly - I mean, look at me - young, talented, educated, exceendinglybeautifulandagreatsenseofstyle. And look at you - a bar bouncin' bum from Nowheresville - I mean, face it - everything you've ever achieved in the wrestling business has been because of Eric Bischoff. And everything you've ever become as a man - is becuase of *me*. You know, when you think about it, you're really just as lame as all these wrestling *marks* out here - and just like them, ya really don't deserve me, so what you need to do is just goaheadandgothroughthedivorceandgetonwithyourlife because we need to start thinking about what's really impor-tant. MEEEEEE." Kimberly wears a shirt with her name on it, just in case she happens to forget it because someone's changed the air in her head. Kanyon runs out and they brawl out on the floor for a while, go into the ring for a while, the ginat flying Slamboree logo flies in and proclaims "4 days until." Kanyon innovates a top-rope Rocker Dropper, which gets a "what a move" call from Schiavone. Jarrett avoids another top rope leap and Kanyon hits hard, then rolled outside. Jarrett follows and it's time for some more brawling. Jarrett finds a chair and swings it. I wonder if a guitar will be used. Kanyon with a swinging neckbreaker. Right, right, in the corner for the Ten Punch Count Along. Head to the mat. And now, for no apparent reason, "Smells Like Self High Five" is over the PA - whoops, it's aburptly cut off - whoops, DIAMOND DALLAS PAGE has *magically* materialised in the ring following a brief crowd shot - what is this, TBS or TSN? Diamond Cutter for Jarrett - Kanyon covers and counts his own three. (3:35?) Kimberly is apparently laying in the ring but the editing (lots of crowd shots and strange angles) prevents us from seeing what was probably an errant kabong or something. Hell, go read the spoilers, it's probably covered in there.

Russo turns to the Wall, and tells him not to disappoint him. But first, these words.

WCW Magazine ad

WesternUnionSlamboree ad #2

THE WALL v. THE NARCISSIST in a New York Rules table match - highlights of Wall's non-Russo, non-Bischoff push are shown, which one would THINK would guarantee his loss tonight. Let Us Take You Back to Nitro where Package looked for Russo, Liz took the bat to Russo, then slapped him, but for some reason ended up back with Russo tonight. Tenay tries to offer an explanation, God bless him, by saying she's contractually obligated to WCW. Before this match starts, Russo's music (Russo has music) starts, and VIC VENOM comes out, along with LIZ & HER SECURITY. Wall starts a punchin' and a kickin' and it's on. We're not a whopping twenty seconds in before "Also Sprach Zarayouspellit" plays and THE MAN comes out to take FIFTH headset, as Russo had taken the fourth one just a bit earlier. Flair says he's only here to make sure Russo doesn't interfere in tonight's match. Russo yammers and Flair tells him to shut up, he's not giving the Package his moment. What's the difference between these two? Flair puts over Package, while Russo puts over his confrontation with Flair this Sunday. Russo finally says "Wall." To the outside we go - Package whips Wall into the barricade, but he doesn't feel it at all - back to Package, whose back is turned - Flair crawling over the commentary table to help, but Russo takes his bat to Flair's back - then hands it to Wall. Before he can use it, though, Package Racks him. Russo takes the bat and gets Package in the ribs...but as he falls, he drops Wall through a table to win the match! (3:40?) Russo invites Miss Elizabeth and her entourage into the ring and takes the mic. "Lookat the two o' ya's! Flair - right now! Come into my ring! Let's do the five minutes right now - let's go!" Does Russo's watch even GO to five minutes? Flair gets up from Package's side, removes his coat, and gets in the ring. "You're a dead man, brother!" but Russo puts uses Elizabeth as a shield. Liz strikes back when her trick knee acts up - Flair quickly dispatches the two security guys and gets Russo ready for the figure four - but before he can do it, BAGWELL & DOUGLAS hit the ring and take out Flair. Wall and Package are still brawling on the outside, apparently. Here's KRONYKK, who take out Bagwell & Douglas - Russo and Liz have taken off - now we play THEIR music as THOSE four guys walk off. Now ANOTHER tune starts up - and here's the owner of that music, BILLY KIDMAN. "Oh, Nature Boy, you need to get your sorry ass up, because - well, it looks like I drew your name. So Naitch, if you can get your old body up, tonight, I'm gonna make you famous!" As Kidman walks the aisle...we'll be right back after these words.

THE MAN v. BILLY KIDMAN with New York Rules - 2:30 worth of commercials, and we're back to see Flair chopping away, whip into the corner is reversed, Kidman with a dropkick - climbing to the top - missile dropkick! Right, right, right, pose. Right, Kidman puts Flair on top, punch, punch, climbing up for a superplex - HIT IT! Kidman with a .....punch. Right. Right. Into the corner, FLAIR FLIP! Flair goes to the outside - FLAIR FLOP! Kidman shouts to the commentators - Flair with a chop when he turns back around. Kidman back on Flair with a clubbing forearm to the back - rolled back into the ring. Right, scoop - and a slam. Kidman to the outside - back in over the top with a guillotine legdrop. "Come on, Hogan!" The punching continues..."Kidman Sux" chant. Commentators wonder where Torrie's gone. Kidman to the top - but the splash MISSES! Kidman struts - parts the legs and stomps on the jewels. Chop! Chop! Right! Chop! Well now RAYMOND STEREO & KONNAN have hit the ring - Mysterio dropkicks the back of the knees, and the doubleteam stomp is on. We check out the crowd for a spell - now "Theme from Wolfpac" plays and out comes KEVIN NASH, whom we haven't seen all night. After some bumbling, Rey gets shoved into Nash, and goes down. Konnan rushes him, and goes down. Tony: "Big, bad, and SEXY!" Kidman made his escape - don't know WHERE Flair went - truckstop powerbomb for Konnan! As Kidman goes to leave, YOU KNOW WHO surprises him with a fist - hey, play his music! All the way to the ring we go - is Hogan delivering Kidman to Nash? To Flair? Hard to say as Mysterio pulls him out. Hey, there's some more music - ahh, it's JOBBED TO JOBBED TO JOBBED TO JUSTIN CREDIBLE - Nash and Hogan overpower him - into the ropes, double big boot, another jackknife powerbomb from Nash! Flair and Hogan embrace - now Nash and Hogan each raise an arm of Flair. (who can say - around 6, whatever it was). Looks like Nash is going to say something witty. "I hate to inform ya, Nature Boy, but the winner of the match, due to outside interference...Mike Awesome." Then they all share a hearty chuckle! Nash's music plays again and Nash chops his crotch - somehow this does NOT get edited.

Hey Vampiro, talking to yourself is a sign of impending mental collapse!

Seems to me that Awesome's been TOTALLY wasted - unless, of course, we were all WRONG about the ECW World Heavyweight Champion being a PPV draw against, say, Nash or Hogan. Who knows? Maybe we were.

Slamboree ad #3

Moments Ago, Nash powerbombed Awesome - from three different angles! Mike: "That's payback, Millionaire's Club Style!"

DIAMOND DALLAS PAGE (with TV-PG-DLV ratings box) v. JOBBIN' VAMPIRO with New York Rules - Before the match even starts, (THIS IS) STING sneaks up behind Vampiro - apparently, he did something really sneaky, but with OUR camera angle, we missed it - which can only mean it must have been REALLY hokey if they didn't want US to see it! After some brawling, Sting dumps a bucket of red stuff on Vampiro. Then he puts him in the ring for Page to hit a Diamond Cutter and count his own pinfall. (:15?) Then, something REALLY crazy happens! Sting tells us to start calling him "Gangrel!" It's so WEIRD!!

Promotional consideration paid for by Slim Jim (no Savage), Boston Market freezer chicken, Croissant Pockets from Hot Pockets, America (ha!) Online, Super Soaker, and WCW Powerslam Wrestlers (lotsa Sid)!

Close captioning made available by Meineke Discount Muffler Shops!

Vampiro T-shirt ad - suitable for running across a graveyard breathing heavily - or jobbing

Russo does a lot of shouting to his troops

Meanwhile, the guys who have been winning all night are pretty happy about things

JOBBED TO JOBBED TO JOBBED TO JUSTIN CREDIBLE comes out, STILL selling the powerbomb! This man is a *professional*, baby! Wonder what he's got to say? "Well well well...whaddaya know, I drew Sting's name out of boot tonight! Tonight, Stinger, whether you're coming from the front door, the back door, the side door, the rafters, wherever, why don't you just fly your fat man ass on down here?" Hey, looks like ANOTHER Awesome match that apparently has no potential for pay-per-view. Play the Metallica and thunder sound effect and lightning light, for (THIS IS) STING. Kick, club, club, club, right, right, into the opposite corner, followup clothesline, scoop - and a slam, off the ropes - Awesome splash! Trying to cover but his back still hurts (sell it, Mike!) - Sting out before one count. Both men back up - kick by Awesome, chop by Sting, right, kick, kick, kick, kick, kick, on the second turnbuckle in the corner for a Ten Punch Count Along. Atomic drop. SLAMBOREE 4 DAYS UNTIL SLAMBOREE! Awesome taken outside, and Awesome takes a breather. Hey, LASH LeROUX, CHAVO GUERRERO JNR and VAN HAMMER in the front row - I guess the Power Plant guys gave up their tickets! After a tripleteam beatdown after they fly over the rail, he's put back into the ring - Stinger splash! How about two! Scorpion Deathlock coming up - Awesome taps before he even finishes the hold. (2:11?)

Advance Auto Parts presents "This Week in WCW Motorsports!" "Highlights" from the Monster Truck PPV - Goldberg (the truck) won it all.

Local spot for UPN 44's airing of "WWF SmackDown!"

Slamboree ad #4

More chaos from the New Blood dressing room - Russo makes as Princess Leia as he tells Obi-Wan Steiner that he's their only hope. Steiner says he won't do it for them - but he'll do it for himself.

SUPERSTAR SCOTT STEINER (with four - no, two ladies) v. ? - By popular request, I translate Steiner into English: "Cut my music! You know for weeks now, I've been watching this old, over the hill has been come out here and talk about his spot in wrestling. And every time I've seen him, it's made me puke...yellow and red! Now, Hulk Hogan, you know damn well I'm talkin' about you, and I'm saying tonight, your spot in wrestling is in this ring, gettin' your ass kicked by me! And MY spot is provin' to you that is-- I am now the man in wrestling...and after I make a believer outta you, me and my freaks are going to go to your house, and I am going to prove it to your woman, until she calls me the Big Bad Booty Daddy. So Hulk Hogan, get your ass out here ... right now!" YOU KNOW WHO comes out - I believe this is another one of those pay-per-view matches they shouldn't be giving away, but what do *I* know about this business? Nothin'. Let Us Take You Back To Nitro where the red stuff fell JUST before they got that one wacko out of the ring. Hogan rushes the ring and Steiner pounds away. Kick, kick, kick, right, right, right, whip, duck, Hogan with a right, right, off the ropes with a clothesline, another clothesline, Steiner to the outside - is Hogan having trouble just WALKING? Outside HE goes - head to the barricade, now over the barricade - huh, HUGH MORRUS is out in the crowd for no reason and HE'S punching away on Steiner. This is the SECOND time Tony has said that Bischoff fired Morrus, but again, I only saw Chavo, Hammer and LeRoux get fired - eh, screw it. I'm sure if it had mattered, someone would have corrected him by now, right? Heenan says Hogan is lucky Morrus was out there, or Hogan would have been in big trouble - but gosh, it sure seemed to me like Hogan was in command. Anyway, all three men are back in the ring. Morrus and Hogan taking turns wailing away on Steiner. Double Golota for Steiner, and he's turning it around - double clothesline! Steiner calling to the back - yeah, didn't Russo say they had his back? Well, nobody's showing up - that must be the rule: run-ins EXCEPT when they're asked for. Hogan with a right, right, Morrus with a shot, into the ropes, Hogan big boot, Morrus running lariat, Steiner rolls outside. Steiner says something that gets muted and we cut to the crowd just to keep us from reading his lips. Looks like Steiner's gonna take off. I guess somebody in here decided to count to ten, but I missed it. (COR? 2:43?) Hogan tells the camera that Morrus could beat Steiner by himself - wow, Hogan finally putting someone over! HA!

Back to the New Blood dressing room, where Bischoff is on the phone. "Get here - get here now - you know how to get here, you're not that far away - I want you here as quick as you can get here." Steiner has Russo by the neck - Bischoff over to try to call him down - Steiner gets muted frequently, but a "bullshit" sneaks by, probably because the guy doing the muting can't speak Steiner's language and didn't hear it. Bischoff decides to evict the cameraman from their locker room.

Jimmy Barron phones it in - only, since he didn't record a voiceover this week, Tony provides one in real time - unfortunately, he ALSO says some extra stuff ("dude") when he didn't realise his mic was hot - what a bush league production this is...

Here's another limousine arriving. But it's got an "F.U.N.B." license plate! How confusing! WHO can it be?

BUFF BAGWELL & "THE FRANCHISE" DEAN DOUGLAS v. KRONYKK with New York Rules - quite a few of you wrote to tell me that Douglas' music starts with a Deep Purple riff - thanks. Tony helpfully tells us that this isn't wrestling any more - it's sports entertainment. That must be why I don't feel the need to provide any play-by-play. Of course, shouldn't I be entertained right now, then? Just added to Slamboree, Hennig vs. Stasiak and Steiner vs. Morrus for the US title. Saaaaaay...do either of THOSE matches make you want to spend money this Sunday? Let's pick it up from the Buff Blockbuster on Clark - Douglas over to count - 1, 2, Adams grabs the arm and prevents that third count and it's back on. Bagwell dumps Clark over the top and axehandles Adams. Douglas has the title belt - into the ropes, duck, double clothesline by Adams. Clark throws out Bagwell, Douglas is going to go down to the double uranage - sorry, the "High Times." Clark counts the pin - 1, 2, 3. (4:10) Kronic grab the belts...but are they the champions? Hey, would learning the answer be worth plunking down for WesternUnionSlamboree this Sunday?

Back in the dressing room, Eric Bischoff addresses the troops with a pep talk, and asks the guys to trust him. "This is a war - but this is OUR war!"

Promotional consideration paid for by Boston Market TV dinners, Lean Pockets from Hot Pockets, Motel 6 7/8, Targon mouthwash, Boston Market a THIRD time, and WCW Battle Arms - power to the people!

Slamboree ad #5

See the superstars of WCW while you can! Sunday at Kansas City for Slamboree! Tix on sale tomorrow for Atlanta (Nitro), Friday for Little Rock, Boise (Thunder), and Saturday for SLC (Nitro)

Another look at that limo - and behind THAT, a BUS is arriving! Could it be the DX Express? And who's in the limo already?

The New Blood is armed with bats, hammers, pipes, crowbars, and red slippers - and they're WALKING!

The "Theme from NWO Nitro" plays and out comes CRACKA EAZY-E - this time it's HIS turn to lead out the NEW BLOOD ORDER - Russo is noticably agitated for purposes of the storyline. "All right, cut the music! This isn't a damn party. Vince, before I forget, you got Liz right where you want her?" "She's locked away - we got her." "All right, it's real simple. Vince Russo, while we may have a lot in common, the big difference between he and I is he's a little bit of a hothead. He's an 'in your face' kinda guy. Me on the other hand - I like to think things through. And I've been thinking about everything that's been going down tonight. You know, Millionaire's Club...we tried to do this the right way. We tried to be sportsmen. We tried to create a level playing field. But that wasn't good enough for you! So let me put it to ya like this. You guys want guerrila warfare? I think that's a great idea--hey Millionaire's Club! Hey! Are ya back there? Are ya listening? You guys want guerilla warfare - well you got it! You got it!" Flair's music is up and out comes the MILLIONAIRE'S CLUB - AND FRIENDS. "Oh, Nature Boy's got a microphone - maybe he's got something to say! You're lookin' at it right here - you're lookin' at the future, Nature Boy! There's eleven of us - there's eleven of you - how 'bout it? One team should walk outta here winners!" "Once again, you're overthinkin' it, Bischoff - I'm lookin' at GREATNESS, woooo! I'm lookin' at tradition! And we got nothin' left to prove tonight, but if you wanna go one more time, here's the way it goes down - we'll come in there. Over the top battle royal: the last man standing gets a shot at the World title at the Great American Bash. Take it or leave it, brother! Hey Russo! Russo! Russo! Suck 'em up, baby, suck 'em up." "Once again, I'll take your bet and we'll beat you at your own game. Bring it on! Bring it on!" And they advance.

22 MAN BATTLE ROYALE - Russo grabs Tammy and they and Bischoff put some distance between themselves and the ring. The guys with weapons seem to have an advantage. The REFEREES have suddenly appeared around the ring. Flair and Douglas brawl on the outside, apparently having gone through the ropes. With so many guys in the ring, how can they possibly fit in a run-in? Two minutes gone by with nothing to report. Let's try to run down the teams - for the New Blood: Wait, first let's record Mike Tenay for posterity. "Logic? Word doesn't even exist in World Championship Wrestling!" What was my favourite Russo quote? Eh...it'll come back to me. Okay, the New Blood tonight are Wall, Kidman, Stasiak, Steiner, Douglas, Bagwell, Awesome, Jarrett, Vampiro, Candido, and Cat. For the other side, it's Flair, Hogan, Page, Sting, Package, Kronic, Hennig, Morrus, Kanyon, and.... Horace. Make your own Horace joke here. Hey, look, a fan jumped the rail! And now, out run TRIPPA B, KONNAN, DISCO INFERNO, MAMALUKES, and the HARRIS BROS - the Harlem Heat music plays and here's HARLEM HEAT & SCREAMIN' NORMAN SMILEY - all the brothas travel in a pack, you see. Horace is dumped out first by Bigelow at around (4:12). Crowd chants for Goldberg, and here's a switch - the audio doctoring actually tries to COVER UP a Goldberg chant as opposed to encouraging it. Here's JOBBED TO DAVID ARQUETTE come out to join the party. Flair working over Douglas on the outside with a 2x4 - now with a lead pipe. Are they eliminated. Well, Kanyon is for sure, dumped out by Awesome (5:54). That overhead camera sure makes the ring look small, doesn't it? Man, I wish something would happen here. There's just no room to do anything interesting! Stasiak dumps out Hennig after getting a signal from Disco Inferno (7:10). All three men gone are "Millionaire's Club" members. Steiner mouths off to the refs, 'cause he's uncontrollable. The commentators SAY it's twenty on eight, but Disco and the Mamalukes are beating on Douglas and Candido at the moment. Camera misses both members of Kronic being eliminated. (8:20?) And now we take an ad break.

It's 2:30 worth of ads later and apparently nobody was eliminated...I guess. They would have told us, right? I don't know, I don't see the Harrisses - I think they were both dumped just as we went to break. And now someone else is dumped - ahh, it's Total Package - who gets back up on the apron and pulls out Buff Bagwell. Sting and Vampiro are both brawling on the outside - to the commentary table. I think they're out. Hugh Morrus and Scott Steiner eliminate each other. I'm sensing a pattern. Why's Kidman beating on Smiley? Aren't they on the same side? Sting suplexing Vampiro on the stage. Now, the MISFITS IN ACTION are in the ring - what, was there getting to be too much room in there? ASYA & MADUSA are out as well - well, why the hell not. Tony keeps saying "Mona" for some reason - maybe he caught a bit of Jim Ross disease. Okay, *there* is MOANER. Wow, look at Kash put the power moves on Hogan - there's a dream match within a match, isn't it? Now the music of HACKSAW JIM DUGGAN plays - you know, I was thinking that's JUST what this match needed. We can only hope Meng is behind him. Apparently, while we watched Duggan walking, we missed all the women eliminating themselves. That's not what *I* wanted to see them do to themselves!! Er...anyway, Duggan sends out Bigelow, Cat, and I think that 2x4 just might not be made of foam this time. Smiley is gone - ABBOTT is gone. Duggan apparently eliminates himself to follow after them. I don't see Big T or Stevie Ray - I don't see LeRoux, Guerrero or Hammer, for that matter - come to think of it, I don't see Morrus, either! Is Douglas trying to PANTS Flair? We look back to the limo - the door opens and out comes...a pair of feet. Commentators: "Pan up! Pan up!" - but they're not the director so we stare at the feet instead. Whoever he is, he's WALKING! He's on ThunderVision - would it KILL them to show us who it is? Apparently, so. Back in the ring, there's ...let's see...ten men in the ring, I think. Wall, Stasiak, Kidman, Hogan, Page, Jarrett, Candido, Awesome, Douglas, and Flair. We look at the feet again....almost at the stage entrance. It's...RANDY SAVAGE. Everybody gives us "shock" in the ring. Savage goes after the New Blood members with all sorts of axehandles. Stasiak is out - Awesome is out - Wall is out - Candido quickly out. Douglas tries to attack from behind, but no dice. Savage goes out through the ropes to pour it on on Candido. Page clotheslines Jarrett - and they both go out. We've got four left. Hogan and Kidman pair up while Douglas and Flair work over each other. Hogan punches away on Kidman while Douglas gets the better of Flair. BRET CLARKE is here to put in HIS appearance. He's got a chair - WHACK for Hogan. Hogan rolls out under the bottom rope. Hart takes off. I now see CRACKA EAZY-E outside the ring - don't know when *he* showed up. In the ring, Douglas is setting up Flair for a Hennigplex - we miss how Flair got out of THAT but when we look back, Kidman is over and on Flair. Into the ropes, reversed by Flair - Hogan pulls on the top rope and Kidman goes out! Flair putting the figure four on Douglas! VIC VENOM is out with his bat - but he ended up conking *Douglas'* knee! Flair grabs the bat and swings at Russo - who takes off out of the ring. Swing at Douglas - and he connects. Douglas flies out to the floor and it's ovah! (22:37?) Hey you know at least Savage and Hogan didn't go over the TOP rope...eh, screw it. Outside the ring Hogan is setting up the STEEL steps for Kidman. Gotta love Flair - he kept his shirt on the whole time! We take a long, loving look at Russo - and almost miss Hogan suplexing Kidman through the commentary table! Well, we DO miss Bischoff with a bat and Gillooly on Hogan - apparently, Hogan took the brunt of that table fall. Bischoff counts a three for Kidman (apparently - we don't see it but Tenay and Heenan fill us in) - Savage raising Flair's arm in the ring. Jarrett and Page are on the scaffolding - well, something apparently happens there but the crack production staff misses it completely (yeah, I know WHY they missed it - but still). Savage over to help out Hogan - apparently, his arm is lacerated again. NOW we see Page, apparently gone through the stage - Jarrett celebrating. So Savage is Flair's friend AND Hogan's friend now...ohhhh - kay.

Miss anything? The rerun starts NOW!

Oh, and Flair has the title shot at the Great American Bash - so they've already written off Slamboree, huh? I'm not a predicting kinda guy - but since this is WCW, I think I can say without equivocation that your SURE WINNER of the triple cage match at Slamboree can only be...

...David Arquette.