WCW Thunder by mdb
Ok, I'm back. For those of you wondering where I was last week, I- what's
that? No one cares? Oh, okay.
Caught somewhere on tape, Weak Chairshot Wrestling proudly presents Thunder!
Show opens with the New Blood exiting a school bus. Shane Douglas is in charge for tonight's show so he's taking role call. I understand Sid Vicious forgot to have his mother sign his permission slip and couldn't go on this fieldtrip to the cardboard box factory. Konnan and Douglas have words, Kdawg hadn't heard Shane was in charge and thinks the Filthy Animals should be the ones in control. Since Virgil Vincent Curly Joe Frank Jones isn't around to explain to Konnan why Vince McRusso put Shane in charge of the show while he was away, a fight breaks out with all of the New Blood members half-heartedly punching each other. The Millionaire's Club and the Misfits and maybe some others join the brawl. Words can't describe how unimpressive this segment was. If you saw the battle royal main event for Thunder two weeks ago, this was even worse. Hogan swipes some keys at the end of the fight which Tony surmises are the keys to the bus. Busdriver, now THAT'S a good gimmick for hogan!
Hogan leads the Club to the ring. For future reference, the Misfits and Kronik and Booker T are now part of the Club as far as I'm concerned. It'll save me some typing, Lord knows I already put more work into this report than this show currently deserves. Hogan tells Shane that the Club is in control of Thunder. This prompts Douglas to make his entrance to the stage with the New Blood. Hogan challenges Kidman to a retirement match at the Bash and "Whore Ass" (Horace) to a match tonight. Jeff Jarrett takes the mic and says he wants his title back and demands Flair come out. Flair comes out and decks Jeff with the title belt. The New Blood takes to stomping Flair and the Club makes the save and another brawl 'erupts' as we go to commercials.
Back from commercial, in a locker room in the back, the Filthy Animals walk out on the New Blood. The Animals go to the ring, The Juice has finally come back to St. Louis and Konnan challenges anyone to fight them, odelay. Tony with the call, "If you missed this past Monday, you saw Terry Funk hold [onto] the hardcore title."
MATCH #1 ANIMALS vs. M.I.A. - Lash says hi to his fellow cajuns. Disco attacks him from behind. Disco thrown to a corner and Lash hits a splash, Hammer and Chavo and Hugh each hit a splash on Disco. We cut to a crowd shot so as not to see Major Guns (man I feel stupid typing that) put a 'move' on Disco, reports are it involved Disco's head and her breasts. HIGHLIGHT OF THE MATCH: Tony shows up Russo by calling Major Stash "Private Stash." How much of a hack writer are you when Tony Schiavone comes up with a better joke name than your New York Tough creative genius booker?
RUN-IN OF THE MATCH (3:20) - Complete with Perfect's theme music, here's Stasiak out to attack Chavo for no reason. Booker joins the fray. Animals are cleared from the ring, Chavo plays dead so Tyrene Buck does the mouth to mouth to bring him back. Announcers make jokes. I'll spare you the carnage.
In the locker room the Club are happy. Luger and Page exit. -break-
Rumor has it that Russo and Bischoff weren't at Thunder because the Mothership was calling them home.
Gene interviews Booker on his alliance with the Misfits. I'm guessing Russo will make Booker the "Joint" Chiefs of Staff.
MATCH #2 HOGAN vs. HOGAN - Hogan back out to the ring to talk some more. In the back Horace tries to get Torrie to go to the ring with him but Kidman takes umbrage. Kidman gets decked, Torrie leaves with Horace. Match features punches, kicks, strap action, table spots teased, more punches and kicks. HIGHLIGHT OF THE MATCH: The thousands of empty seats in the arena are easily spotted in several shots.
RUN-IN OF THE MATCH (3:10) - Kidman attacks Horace who had just gotten a kiss from Torrie. Hulk hits Horace with a chair, Kidman bealed over the top rope through the table set up earlier in the match (camera missed the spot almost completely) then pins Horace. Torrie comes into the ring, Hulk fakes like he's going to punch her but kisses her. Torrie swoons, I guess we can expect Torrie to turn on Kidman at the Bash in favor of Hulk.
Outside the arena Luger in a car asks someone where the nearest gym is.
Back from commercial, Main Event Palumbo is working out in a gym. He should be worried that there's a cameraman standing in front of him. Luger enters the gym and beats up Palumbo.
Outside the arena Smiley and Ralphus sell F.U.N.B. shirts. Ralphus is worried about getting arrested. Smiley, who should be worried that there's a cameraman standing in front of him, is not concerned about getting caught. -break-
Hey, whose idea was it that Bruce Lee would need Brisk to defeat the Karate Kid and Mr. Miagi?
MATCH #3 TERRY FUNK vs. ERNEST MILLER - Tony with the call, "I don't think they can get that cruiserweight belt from Terry Funk." Funk challenges Miller, Miller's music plays and we get a shot of a kid going into an epileptic fit. The brawl goes to the back. Tony plays smart by dropping the term "go position." Take that Edge & Christian! Punches, garbage can shots, out of the arena, metal pole shots. The brawl reaches Smiley and Ralphus's tshirt stand. Ralphus asks Funk not to hurt his car so of course Funk smashes the windows and hits a chair shot or two on the car. Miller and Funk brawl on top of the car and off of the car.
RUN-IN OF THE MATCH (5:26) Smiley tries to sell Miller a F.U.N.B. tshirt, which might sound funny in written form, but trust me, it wasn't. Miller beats up Smiley, goes back to Funk, Smiley hits Miller with a chair. Miller rolls into the trunk of the car, Funk makes the cover.
Elsewhere Awesome carries a stretcher. No word if it was Sicilian or not. -break-
Back from commercial Smiley and Ralphus get arrested for bootlegging tshirts.
MATCH #4 AWESOME vs. SCOTT STEINER - Awesome talks about an ambulance match with DDP at the Bash. Camera finds a sign in the crowd "Daimond Dallas Page" though I suppose I'm not one to point out spelling errors. Awesome makes an open challenge and Scott Steiner accepts. Pop quiz, who's the current WCW US Heavyweight champ? Yeah, I'd forgotten it was Scott Steiner too, but hey it's just a prop. The two exchange some moves, Steiner puts on his world's worst camel clutch.
RUN-IN OF THE MATCH (2:29) - Goldberg's music plays putting an end to the match. On the Thundertron we see Tank Abbott do his Goldberg impersonation. Tank, Rick Steiner and Awesome tripleteam Poppa Pump. Goldberg monster truck shows up, Poppa Pump throws Abbott and Steiner on the truck's hood and the truck backs out of sight. The announcers go insane, they are absolutely convinced it MUST BE GOLDBERG! driving the truck because we all know how when Goldberg gets mad, he doesn't fight, he drives monster trucks around. Pump goes to take care of Awesome, but Awesome has jumped into the driver's seat of the ambulance to drive off. -break-
Clips from Yamaha's Thunder Tailgate party is notable for the appearance of Buff Bagwell. I suppose while I'm at it the earlier clips from the Tailgate party (sponsored by some shoe company) were notable for the appearance of the Ultimo Duggan.
No thanks go to JHinds and Tony Tex for ripping off something Nova invented!
In the back Shane talks to tonight's losers, Miller, the Animals, etc. yawn. I'm too tired to even worry why the Filthy Animals would go to the locker room where Shane's at. -break-
Hey, The Artist Formerly Known as Prince now wants to be known as Prince again! What will Iaukea do now?
Mike Tenay interviews Kanyon. Kanyon is in a hospital bed, wearing a halo neck/head stabilizer. Ok, when Kanyon shows up to attack Page at the Bash to give Awesome the win in that match, let's all pretend to look surprised for Russo's benefit, okay? -break-
We're back and Douglas gets a phone call from Kronik. There's a big party over at Dre's and he's invited. Snoop Doggy Dogg will be there. It's gonna be dope.
Thunder Tailgate party sponsored by Valvoline is not notable for any reason. -break-
MATCH #5 KRONIK vs. DOUGLAS - Folks, my endurance is running low. I feel like Maivia and Triple H at the 59th minute of their iron man match. Wait, that hasn't happened yet, maybe I should give them the benefit of the doubt? RUN-IN OF THE MATCH is The Wall who beats up Douglas for walking out on him on Nitro. Don't ask me, I don't know. -break-
Ric Flair comes to the ring to talk. Flair gives props to Jarrett for being a great champion. Anyone got a day count on Jeff's reigns? Jeff's never had a successful world title defense has he? Flair talks about little Vinnie Russo growing up. Ric figures Russo's dad wanted Vince to grow up to be like Bruno but Vince saw Ric on TBS and wanted to be like the Nature Boy. Jeff and Krowbar and David Flair attack Ric. Arn Anderson makes the save and challenges the three to a match. There's some good moments in this segment but this show is killing me and I haven't got the strength to rewind the tape to transcribe the details.
In the back Vampiro sets fire to a Sting mask and challenges him to a match at the Bash. Back from commercial Sting is in the ring. He challenges Vampiro to a match tonight. Vampiro tells Sting that the match at the Bash will be an Inferno match. Check that one off the list of recycled ideas. The ring ropes are set on fire for the (un)dramatic visual. -break-
Douglas talks to Jeff about doing something to give the New bloods a win. Jeff says he'll do his share.
THE MAIN EVENT (aka It's Almost Over) RIC & ARN vs. JEFF, DAVID & KROWBAR - Ric Flair goes to the ring. Thundertron shows David and Krowbar attacking Arn. Ric goes to make the save but Jeff ambushes him. David, Krowbar and Daffney join Jeff and Ric in the ring. Triple team on the world champ. David has a figure four on Ric. RUN-IN OF THE MATCH - Wolfpack theme plays, Nash comes out. Flair puts Daffney in a small package while still in the figure four and gets the three count. Jarrett hits Nash with a chair and Nash no sells it. Nash and Jeff go walking off. Back in the ring Flair replays a version of the heart attack incident. Anyone have that in the betting pool of Next Recycled Idea?
Outside the arena Jeff and Shane hurry onto the New Blood school bus. Mike Tenay exposes hack writer Russo by bringing up the point that Hogan swiped the keys to start the show. (Not that it's hard to figure the New Blood got a spare set, just that it shows how meaningless it was that Hogan got the keys in the first place, no points for anyone who tries to claim that getting the bus keys is symbolic of Hogan gaining control of the book for tonight's show as that's just plain stupid. Speaking of just plain stupid, Russo probably wrote that bit for exactly that reason.) The Club runs out and tips over the school bus. And all the New Blood were on the bus! The humanity! Too bad the windows of the bus were painted black so we couldn't see anyone inside the bus. Goldberg's monster truck charges the prone school bus and the show fades out before impact, probably to save the monster truck further embarrassment.
What a miserable show.