WCW Thunder by mdb
Query letters go out tomorrow! Woo-hoo! My car is dead. Again. Boo-hoo.
ATTENTION - To whoever stole Vince Russo's Ritalin: Please return it. The man has a serious medical condition and he needs his medicine.
Hey, Frozenicer2000@aol.com, say that to my face.
Special thanks go to long-time rival Ripclawe who passed along from RSPW the following link http://www.brunching.com/toys/toy-cyborger.html which turns any seven letters you give it into an acronymed android name. For example Russo becomes Robotic Unit Skilled in Sabotage and Observation and Easy E becomes Electronic Android Skilled in Yardwork and Exploration. Neat, huh? What is mdb, you might ask? Machine Designed for Battle! Yeah!
Caught somewhere in time, Wireless Cybernetic Workers proudly presents Thunder!
If you should get tired of the whole robot acronym thing, you can always go read that Thunder done report by Cybernetic Robotic Zombie. (Ha!)
Show opens with- What do you mean that's what everyone does already?
Show opens with highlights from Nitro. Things don't seem so bad when it's reduced to 20 seconds.
Speaking of Mr. Robotic Zombie, he saw fit to print a bunch of letters last week complaining about Russo's booking. Now, I've complained about just about everything New York Tough (Networked Ytterbium Technician Optimized for Utility and Galactic Harm [Ytterbium?]) Russo has booked, but these complaints were just sad. I'll be answering them throughout the show. Can you say "padding"?
First up, Mike I. (as in "I can't spell his last name"), my main man: Shouldn't the MIAs shirts say FYBAR? Speaking of which, shouldn't Hogan's shirt say FYNB?
No Mike, they shouldn't.
We start with a quick clip of Nash and Steiner pulling up to the arena in a black vette, then we go to the Thunder intro (cutting off Tony mid-commentary).
MATCH #1 (aka It's Only Just Begun) - Three Way Dance for the WCW Cruiserweight Title - THE FIRST COUPLE OF SPORTS ENTERTAINMENT TAMMY & CHRIS CANDIDO vs. THE SECOND COUPLE OF SPORTS ENTERTAINMENT T.A.F.K.A.PRINCE IAUKEA & PAISLEY vs. THE THIRD COUPLE OF SPORTS ENTERTAINMENT DAFFNEY & DAVID FL-er, David's not here. Crowbar does show up to do a run-in though. Gene interviews Daffney before the match, she wanted a ring not that ring but (really high-pitched) it's-okay-I'm-gonna-get-married! She then gets Gene with the something-on-your-shirt nose thump. T.A.F.K.A.P.I.: Transforming Artificial Facsimile Keen on Assassination and Potential Infiltration Tammy knocks out Candido by accident with Miss Hancock's clipboard allowing Daffney to get the pin and retain her cruiser title. That's probably more than any of us needs to know. Oh, one thing, Daffney tonight had on a black wedding dress, pale face makeup and black lipstick which wasn't a bad look, but she couldn't pull it off nearly as well as Mia Sara in Legend.
L.E.G.E.N.D.: Lifelike Entity Generated for Exploration and Nocturnal Destruction
In the back the fourth couple of sports entertainment Russo & Bischoff talk about life and stuff. Elsewhere the fifth couple of sports entertainment Smiley & Ralphus sell health care products. An Ab-Solution joke would be good with Ralphus here, but I can't. The Franchise walks by and wants to face the two for the hardcore title. Smiley, showing an amazing grasp of continuity, reminds Shane that they are fired. Shane says he'll pull strings with Bischoff to get them reinstated. -break-
Ron Lingron: Maybe it's just me... I can't get over the fact that throughout the first hour of Nitro, I was laughing to myself for actually trying to figure out where the show was going. It opens with the House of Pain match, where the only object is to handcuff your opponent and beat the hell out of him. For all the dastardly deeds that Vampiro has done, and for all the hype of this being a great Nitro, the only retribution Sting can muster is a couple of high cross bodies against the cage? Also, the announce crew sold Vampiro's head vs. the cage like he was going to blade, which of course never happened. At the end, Sting just walks out. That's it. Huh?
It's just you. Sting is a pro wrestler. He won the match and that's all he was trying to do. Vampiro is trying to provoke Sting to the dark side, Steve is trying to remain a good guy and good guys don't brutalize the bad guys. He didn't beat up Vampiro because that's the angle.
We come back with Liz and Kim. Kim wants Liz to be her personal assistant. Liz ain't hearing that.
MATCH #2 - Three Way Dance for the WCW Hardcore Title - FRANCHISE SHANE DOUGLAS vs. SMILEY & A GUY IN A GORILLA SUIT - I'm guessing it's Dick Slater in the suit. Cut to the back where Eric and Cat watch the tv. Eric says Shane can't reinstate people and give title shots. Tony mentions Eric was in L.A. working on a big deal, so called because when we find out what it is, we'll all say big deal. Big Wiggle stopped by trick knee low blow. Highlight of the match is Douglas patting the butt of the guy in the gorilla suit like it was Tinky Winky. Terry Funk is the guy in the suit, he impersonated Ralphus through the match but finally hits a few punches and a chairshot to get the pin and take the title back. Reaction to Funk's ruse from Eric:'He's like a cockroach.' Cat: 'I'll go Jackie Chan his ass.' Wasn't Chan suppose to show up a few years ago? Hey, maybe the big deal was signing Jackie Chan. He'd be pretty cool as WCW heavyweight champ.
Elsewhere Russo and David and an elderly lady walk. And still elsewhere Scott Steiner and Kevin Nash walk. They've got goggles on because they're Grandmaster Sexay fans. Oh God, how long before we see Ralphus dancing in a thong? -break-
Tailgate party, Flair vs. Flair recap.
Russo and David Flair (with Daffney) go to the ring with Mrs. Snodgrass, Reid's sixth grade teacher. This is Reid Flair's Life! He was a bad kid in class. FLATULATING NOISES! LOOKING UP GIRLS SKIRTS! I kept waiting for the girl that cut Reid off at second base. I guess the phrase Poontang Pie is taken already. May I suggest Peach Pie? With whip-cream on top. Hmm, Positronic Unit Skilled in Sabotage and Yardwork. It's scary how accurate this -opps.
David Flair challenges Reid to a match at the Bash. Smell the buyrate!
Big Sexy and Poppa Pump come out. They beat up R&B security. New Superstar David Flair gets powerbombed. Russo gets choked by Nash as Scott demands a three way dance for the World Title tonight. I was hoping he'd ask 'If this is a Consoler's ship, where is the ambassador? -break-
We're back with Eric scolding Shane for losing the hardcore title to Funk.
MATCH #3 - Eight Man Elimination - FILTHY ANIMALS vs. MISFITS IN ACTION - Animals go for heel heat by going "Hootie Hoo!" It goes downhill from there. M.A.S.T.E.R.P.: Mechanical Artificial Soldier Trained for Efficient Repair and Peacekeeping. If that had said "Rap" instead of "Repair" it would have been scary. Stasiak does a run-in. Booker T comes out dressed in green camo to clear the ring. I just want to die. There's no play by play for this match because the cluster ending tells me it didn't really happen, or if it did, it wasn't WCW, because as Madden reminded us Monday, they don't happen here.
R.U.N.I.N.: Robotic Unit Normally for Infiltration and Nullification. You got that right.
Eric talks to Horace, Kidman, and Torrie. Kim talks more to Liz. Liz attacks Kim and escapes. -break-
From Chris Carrell: Hey, I was sitting there during the Kimberly-Bischoff skit: First she pulls in $13 million. Now that she's kicked DDP out, SHE'S the one that has to look for cheap doublewides outside Vegas?
I'm pretty sure they were looking for places for DDP.
Russo talks to Abbott and Rick Steiner. Douglas goes around looking for Funk.
MATCH #4 - Table Match - CHUCK PALUMBO vs. THE WALL - Palumbo knocks The Wall from the apron through a table to win the match. T.H.E.W.A.L.L.: Transforming Hydraulic Entity wanting Assassination and Logical Learning. Kind of lost it with the L's.
Eric talks to Horace when Kim comes in to tell about Liz escaping. I don't do babysitting or housework. It's funny! Eric tells her to take care of it.. -break-
MATCH #5 - For the WCW Tag Team Titles - KIDMAN & HORACE vs. KRONIK - Eric talks, Horace talks. Eric makes an open challenge and Kronik answers. Some people will complain that in the last segment Eric was telling Horace they'd be facing Kronik, but I won't. Horace doesn't take tags from Billy. Billy hits some moves, takes some moves. Horace and Eric play at fighting to get the ref distracted so Horace can hit some chairshots on Kronik. Billy gets the pin, I guess this wasn't for the tag titles. Wait, Kronik are the tag champs aren't they? I forget. Yeah they were, I guess it's more of Bischoff hating tag teams. Billy isn't happy with the gameplan Horace and Eric had for the match. I'm going to be soooo surprised when he turns face.
Shane beats up Smiley and takes Ralphus. -break-
Butch Rosser writes: I think WCW should give out the address of Naitch's place, since you can just walk in, look around and walk away with a robe of your choice, apparently.
Well, if you're a guest of David Flair, sure.
I.D.I.O.T.: Individual Designed for Infiltration and Online Troubleshooting. Well it got that one wrong.
Thunder Tailgate features suspended Buff again.
Shane beats up Ralphus.
MATCH #6 - SHANE vs. THE WALL - Shane gets chokeslammed through the announcers table and his music plays. No ref. I guess this shouldn't count as a match.
Booker T is now GI Bro. "Feel" and "copy" have replaced "dig" in his catchphrase. I suppose there's no need to discuss Russo's creativity here. Elsewhere Jeff complains to Russo. -break-
Ytterbium Obedient Unit Skilled in Ultimate Calculation and Killing
Ron again: Now, to the Russo thing at Flair's house.....I thought that was a complete and total joke. What did it show? It showed that David probably had the keys to his dad's house, which allows them TO ENTER THE HOUSE!!!. It showed that Ric has a PICTURE OF HIS FAMILY!!!!, and a BEDROOM WITH A CLOSET!!! Furthermore, he has CLOTHES IN THE CLOSET!!! And he had A POOL IN THE BACKYARD!!! There was one saving grace for this segment and that was Russo saying "shark infested" for the stream that David had to swim in while growing up. Following me here? This was beyond horrible. If you're going to enter Flair's house, please discover that he's been hiding his mistresses in a secret room that only David knows about. Show him to be a person with a leather fetish. Do something besides show that Flair had a house!!!
See, people complain about the sledgehammer of plot but when you don't use it, you get stuff like this. The whole point of the skit wasn't that Ric had a house, it was that David had to sleep on a blanket in the cellar (or whatever) for 20 years. Pay attention!
Nash reads a paper, Scott does push-ups, Kim whines to R&B security.
MATCH #7 - STASIAK vs. BOOKER T - This is actually a pretty good match. I'm glad I taped it. Stasiak takes control to start. Comeback by Booker, who uses his fatigues to choke Stasiak. 10 punch count along countered by Stasiak hotshoting Booker. Stasiak hits a decent off the top rope clothesline. The two trade near falls. Stasiak misses a chairshot. Booker hits a few of his kicks. Uranage gets Booker the three count. CLEAN FINSH! CLEAN FINISH! CLEAN FINISH! In truth, it wasn't that good a match, but you take what you can get these days. It's the best WCW match in weeks.
Tenay interviews Sting about Vampiro, next! -break-
J.O.B.B.E.R.: Journeying Organism Built for Battle and Efficient Repair
Tenay and Sting talk. Sting explains how he played mindgames during the first days of the nWo like how he helped Savage to see if he could trust him but didn't let him know his real plans so when Savage joined Hogan Savage failed the test. Sting is just about to explain the whole white hummer thing when Vampiro sets fire to the curtains ending the interview. You know, if I were really trying with this report I'd have the letters I answer matchup with the segment. Maybe I'll fix that when I release the Special Edition.
You know management got on Steiner about the whole Superman logo when DC comics was a fellow Time-Warner company. Now WCW is promoting a Human Torch match. That's a fantastic thing for them to do. Someone call Marvel and tell them to sue.
Gene interviews Kim. Liz attacks. -break-
Page does an interview. Liz delivers Kim. Page spanks her but we get crowd shots instead. All these bad ratings and low buyrates? It's Standards & Practices fault. On the Thundertron Awesome is in Kanyon's hospital room and talks all threatening like. "I could have my way with you." Ew. Anyway, remember when Undertaker went to McMahon's - of course you do. That's another check of the list of recycled ideas.
Jarret, Nash and Scott walk around. -break-
THE MAIN EVENT (aka It's Almost Over) - Three Way Dance for the WCW Heavyweight prop - KEVIN NASH vs. JEFF JARRETT vs. SCOTT STEINER - Kevin Nash won the belt. I'm skipping play by play not because of my Nash-like workrate but because odds are 50 to 1 that he'll still be champ this time next week. Yeah, that's the ticket!
Good night everybody!