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/31 May 2000

WCW Thunder




Rest in peace, Tito Puente.

Yeah! I stayed up until MIDNIGHT totally rebuilding the Palo Alto POP server! Who's the MAN?

Aww, geez, ANOTHER two hours of Thunder? But it's so LAAAAAATE.....and I'm so TIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRED...

THERE'S your whining!

Fortunately, earlier today (yesterday - whatever) I saved a couple letters before this server explosion ended up in my lap, so let's roll the pre-recorded material:

I GET LETTERS: Here's an example of someone who I don't really consider in my "target audience..." Billy: I read your opinion on last mondays nitro. I agree there were some soft spots but overall I found your report extremely biased. I watched all of Nitro and was actually very entertained. I then switched to Raw for more of the same boring ass stuff thats been on that show for the last 2 years. I notice you bitching about kidman jobbing. The guy is only about 170 pounds soaking wet and it would not be even remotely believable to see him beat any of the really large wrestlers. Hell I am bigger than he is. Its much more believable when a little person like that sneaks around and cheats and wins by his wits than to have him beat a large man toe to toe in a fair fight. Thats one of the problems with the wwf.

They will actually have little light in the ass wrestlers like x-pac go toe to toe with there big monstrous wrestlers and expect people to believe it. I understand that your a big ass wwf mark and all. But if you are going to try and pass yourself off as some sort of legitimete reporter you should try to stop being so biased against wcw and its wrestlers.

I am starting to believe the wwf gives you and most of the other "reporters" on wrestline pay.

Uh huh.

Now, here's someone I DO consider part of my "target audience..." Ray Boone: You know, with every one of the multitudes of recent world title changes in recent weeks, Russo's "excuse" has been that the fans wouldn't expect it, so that's why it was done. After a while, don't the fans begin to EXPECT title changes?

Also, am I the only one who finds this "relaxed DQ" thing totally ridiculous? Again, Russo has a reason--he says that, for example, it never struck him as being fair that Luger could be fighting Awesome, then DDP runs in and attacks Awesome because he has issues with him, and causes Luger to be DQ'd through no fault of his own. OK, this makes sense, but not having DQ's makes no sense at all. Why doesn't the entire New Blood participate in every match? I'll bet they could win a lot more often that way. If there's no DQ's, then why did Shane Douglas bother sneaking a foreign object in his tights? If there's no DQ's, then why were there ref bumps in the main event last night? If there's no DQ's, then why doesn't the New Blood just come out with shotguns for every match, kill their opponent in plain sight of the ref, then pin them? Covering up a tiny lack of logic with a giant sheet of illogicality is, well, illogical.

SO well said, Ray. Thanks.

TV-PG-DLV WCW logo it ain't happenin' so stop writing

Amidst all the close captioning logos (well, one), we see highlights of Nitro - aka "the Goldberg and Flair Family show" - strangely enough, all shots of Ric Flair in the match are in black and white because showing blood in colour ain't TV-PG...I guess. Anyway, since all the buildup was to Nitro next, what's the point of THIS show? That's the question we'll try to answer ... TONIGHT! ONLY ON

Thunder credits end a bit early this week

LIGHT THE PYRO - oh, hey, lookit that big spiderweb - LIGHT MORE PYRO - hey, we're in Boise, ID 31.5.2K (taped 30.5) and the infamous Unnamed Arena (the PotatoDome?) - oh no, wait - it's the Idaho Center - oh well. Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah... "...and this - is - THUNDER!"

CHRIS CANDIDO (without ... umm, what was her name? You know, the one with the big...yeah) v. TERRY FUNK for the World Hardcore Championship - Candido comes out in gear astonishingly similar to Funk's. Oh, wait, he's gonna tell us where Tammy went - maybe: "You know, I'm out here all by myself tonight...'cause I was finally given something to know I left the WWF and the ECW because I wasn't good at takin' direction. But I finally found a boss that has some smarts - because he has given me - ME! - he has given me the chance tonight to take out Terry Funk and bring the hardcore belt right to Eric Bischoff. So just like an old horse - when he gets old, they take him in the back and they put one in his held. So Funk, bring your wrinkled old ass out here, 'cause I'm gonna kick it!" Wow - that was A SHOOT, BROTHER! Funk tosses the hardcore belt at Candido, who (maybe) dodges it - but not the chair. Gotta love how Funk's entrance video keeps playing as they brawl around - and quickly behind the curtain.

We cut to our commentators, the AWESOME 3, because we apparently have no cameras ready backstage. I actually kinda dig that - THAT'S a nice way to try to give some "realism" to what's going on. Tony is so flustered, he tries to refer to himself as Mike, but quickly corrects himself before we can make fun of him, except through sneaky means...hey, wait...also, a bird is pixellated in here.

We cut backstage where referee "Blind" Jamie Techer follows at a respectable distance as your standard garbage prop match ensues. Candido is placed in the bed of a flatbed truck - Funk gets in and drives off - the referee attempts to run after them, but that ain't happening. (No contest? 1:35?)

Back to the commentators, and that one kid flippin' the bird and getting pixellated for his troubles.

Oh, wait, there's a camera out on the road. The truck drives to a nearby ... stables? Candido comes to as the truck stops - garbage can thrown at Funk - another garbage can - to the stables - oh, I HOPE there's a horse shit shot...Tony is amazed that there's "a WCW table" in the stables. Into the bale of hay! Into the apple bobbin' bin - 'ceptin the only apples around are...oh and right into the wheelbarrow of manure. You can't show a middle finger but face first into manure is JUST FINE. God bless America! Candido with a stable door - if Candido sticks his head up a horse's ass, I'm outta here. Funk finally stages a comeback with punches and stable walls - and a piledriver on the dirt. Then a horse decides to kick Funk in the shoulder - now THAT'S a shoot! That horse ain't pullin' those kicks! Candido never crawled so fast! Schiavone proclaims it one of the biggest highspots of the night - that's funny AND sad simultaneously. Funk threatens the horse, who stands his ground - Funk gets out of the stable just a BIT quicker - garbage can to Candido's head, again, kick to the jimmy by Candido, Candido unable to properly use the lasso, choking Funk instead. He climbs the stable wall wearing the lasso, so of course Funk pulls him backwards and through the table. Funk's head is busted open - did the horse do that? - Techer's finally caught up on foot, so Funk gives HIM a garbage can to the head - Funk covers, but there's no ref. Funk dumps a bucket of water on Techer and has him count the pinfall. (6:06) Funk exclaims "horse shit!" but get muted. Oh well.

Vince Russo talks to Eric Bischoff on the phone - guess he isn't around tonight. Cat comes in and Russo tells him that since he's busy with the Flair family feud, Eric wants HIM put in charge tonight. Cat accepts. Russo leaves...and Cat puts his feet up and laughs. "Cat is in charge!"

Outside, a limo arrives - Ric Flair gets out and so do Reid & they're WALKING!

Outside once again, the "paparazzi" are gather as Kimberly makes her "entrance." She strikes several "poses." This is "entertaining."

Let Us Take You Back to Nitro where Nash gave the belt to Flair who lost it to Jarrett - if you missed the finer points, check out the Nitro report.

Hey, that kinda begs the question of how Beth & Reid got away, doesn't it? No? Oh.

This portion of the WCW Thunder report is brought to you by 1-800-COL-LECT! Call somebody who cares!

THE MAN and BETH & REID FLEIHR walk out to make noise. There's a pixellated sign. Everybody stands for Flair 'cause Flair stands for...SOMETHING! "Vince Russo - do you hear 'em in Boise, Idaho, brotha? Woooo! I drove in here tonight, a half-beaten man ready to tell a sad story, then I hear you all jacked up, I'll say 'hell, I can't cry, I gotta tell it like it is!' Woooo! Last night, it took a great wrestler (Jeff Jarrett), it took a baseball bat, it took a snake like Russo, and it took my son to beat me for the World Title - I ain't cryin'. It happens. It's business. Russo, what I've gotta make you understand is that no matter what happens, brother, this is the first time in twenty years I've ever had my family in the ring in the business. Never! The reason they're here is because last night you embarrassed me in front of him, you embarrassed me in front of her, brother that's hard to do. It's hard to embarrass Beth Flair - she's been around the world with the Nature Boy - woooo! - she's seen it all! She has seen it all! And she looks at me and said 'How can a punk like that get on top o' you?' I said 'baby, he can't, we've only started, he didn't even get me jumped up, jacked up, he didn't get me goin'!' Because, at the Great American Bash, David - you had a chance to be something in this business - not because of Russo, but because your name is Flair. You could have been something - with that God given ability, a lot of hard work, you could have bled, sweat, paid the price, and been a great wrestler. Now, pal, woooo!, you gotta wrestle me. Great American Bash! Great American Bash! Woooo! It's goes just like this - woooo! - yeah - just like that. I am gonna kick your 21-year-old ass like I should've ten years ago. But Boise - Boise - here's the deal - here's the deal, Boise, because Vince Russo is such a man - such a man - I've asked my family to come out here tonight, because Russo, in Boise, Idaho and for the world to see, I want that skinny New York ass of yours to wrestle me right here. Woooo!" The pixellated sign has "NUTS" in it - ahh. "How 'bout that one, Boise?" Time for the rebuttal...VIC VENOM, DAVID FLAIR & R&B SECURITY walk out. Flair carries a bat and Russo carries a mic. The ramp is to the left this week, by the way. Russo surrounds himself. Flair isn't done talking: "Oh no no, don't hold back now - come on Russo, come on David, don't stop walking now. What's the matter? Huh?" Fourteen guys get in the ring. Flair makes 'em flinch. Crowd chants "Russo sux" - hey, is that heel heat or suck heat? Does Russo know the difference? "Cool it, Ric - I gotta couple things I wanna say. First of all, I'm wearing sunglasses out here because God forbid my boys in the Bronx knew that I was in Boise, Idaho tonight! Second of all, you're welcome for giving you the Champ and the witch back--" Flair tries to jump him but the wall of Security actually manages to stay between Flair and Russo. "Kiss my ass! Kiss my ass right now!" "And third of all, Ric, you see...I've got a cold here tonight, and I'm still here - unlike you, ya little wuss - you have a little brain annurism (sic) - you miss a whole week o' work!" "You see what I'm trying to tell ya? You're a mark for me! Leave me alone! I'm Ric Flair - you can never be Ric Flair - you're a mark--" and he tries to rush 'em again. "Just like you gotta have ten guys with ya - you're a chicken(shit) with no (balls) from New York. And you, for being here with him, you're worse than that. You're worse than that. I'm gonna jockslap (?) you in Baltimore, Jack." "Let's all settle down here - let's all settle down. First of all, Ric, first of all, you're drooling, okay? Don't embarrass yourself out here, because that's the exact reason why I'm here. I'm here to talk to Beth; I'm not here to talk to you." "You think she's gonna listen to a worm like you--" "You're damn right she is." "Go on!" At this point the crowd noise is being overdubbed, because the crowd is using naughty language. "Beth - Beth - listen to me, Beth. See this shirt I'm wearing? The late great John Lennon, Beth, who I might add lived in New York. Now, Beth, John once wrote a great song called 'Imagine.' Now, Beth, I want you to imagine this. The Great American Bash - David Flair defeats Ric Flair. Beth, Ric Flair, now due to his own words, is forced to retire from the business. Do you know what that means, Beth? That means no more gravy train, Beth. No more cheques comin' in, Beth. No more limos, no more cars, no more expensive jewelry, Beth. And the fact is, Beth, that that's the reason that you married this slug in the first place! You certainly, Beth, did not marry him for his looks. Ya married him for the money, Beth, and how are you gonna live on his social security? Flair goes for him again, punching out two of the guards - only one smart enough to sell it. "And Beth - Beth - one more thing, Beth. One more thing. You certainly, Beth, did not marry him for Space Mountain. Because, Beth, the rumour in the business is that that rocket hasn't been out of the launching pad in years! The floor is now yours, Mr. Flair." "Russo...Russo, you came out here tonight, hopefully in the eyes of everybody here, in my eyes, in his eyes, in her eyes, to wrestle me, or you've come out here and (dicked) around, and brother, Little Italy can't tell Space Mountain nothing! You wanna wrestle? You wanna wrestle - or do you wanna run your mouth? You wanna WRESTLE? You wanna WRESTLE? Come on!" "Hold on!" "Come on! What do you mean hold on-" "Hold on, lunatic!" "Hold this! Hold this! Let's go!" "You wanna wrestle?" "Yeah!" "And these (assholes) probably wanna see us wrestle, right?" "Yeah! They wanna see you bleed, baby!" "I'll tell you what - I'll tell you what - we ain't gonna wrestle tonight, but we're gonna wrestle my way. You see, this is a family right here, Ric. Father and son - we do everything together, Ric, so tonight we're gonna wrestler together, Ric. How about this? Father - son - versus father - son!" Flair cracks a smile. "You ain't - you ain't really sayin' that. Reid, whaddaya say brother? Huh? Whaddaya think? You ready to wrestle tonight huh? You ready to fire it up? Huh? You ready to be a Flair?" "'course I am!" And Flair tries one more time to get to Russo - Security holds him up and Russo slaps him around. David gets in the baseball bat shots as well. Repeated elbows. Other security holding back Beth and Reid. David with a drag across the ring for his half-brother...and now, they're all off as David's music plays.

In the office, Cat talks on the phone, to Mike Awesome, and to Kimberly, who walks in asking where Eric Bischoff is - something about her catering or something. Cat says that HE'S the boss tonight? Kimberly says she needs to have time to address the public tonight - and some security. Cat talks to her rack. Kimberly says that the R&B Security buffoons are completely inadequate. Cat says Awesome is just the man for the job. Kimberly asks him how good he is at foot massage. The answer is satisfactory, as they walk off - Awesome failing to open the door for Kimberly until prompted that walking out first is just wrong.

Great American Bash promo - Flair vs. Flair - Castrol GTX

Kidman & Torrie are in the office when we come back - after a brief war of words about who gets the good chair, Kidman chastises Torrie about her choice of skirt. Then Kidman asks for a match with Sting and "that fathead Horace." Torrie asks him to stop calling Horace names. Cat says he'll book the match. Kidman roughly grabs Torrie by the wrist to lead her out. He's so mean! I think I'll boo him!

The "theme from NWO Nitro" plays and out comes KIMBRRLY along with AWESOME MULLET, carrying a table for no apparent reason. Later tonight, interviews with Eric Bischoff and DDP. Maybe a match if we've got time. Awesome talks loud and says nothing - of Page and GI Bro, of tables, Diamond Cutters, Karl Malone, Kanyon and many other things. Kimberly displays her impressive acting talents - that is to say, the left one and the right one. She *does* use the word "gauche" to remind us of her many degrees. We go to several crowd shots to try to drown out the "slut" chant. Kimberly talks about her breasts. A plant - I mean, fan rushes the ring and Awesome demolishes him, culminating in a crucifix semibomb through the table. To their credit, we did get a crowd shot including him earlier in the segment. Anyway, Kimberly talks a bit more and walks off.

In a dressing room, Reid & Ric share a moment with the camera and the millions (hundreds of thousands?) of fans

Great American Bash promo - Hogan vs. Kidman

In the office, Cat talks to Shane Douglas - it's a reward night for Douglas - he gets a WCW World Heavyweight title shot! Douglas wonders what's up his sleeve, but accepts the match.

HORACE v. BILLY KIDMAN (with Torrie Samuda) v. (THIS IS) STING in a handicap match - Horace and Kidman enter together. Tony's been reading the Nitro report - he notices that each man parts different ropes for Torrie tonight, unlike on Monday when it was completely ignored. Good job, Tony. Sting with a tope into the pile to start it - clotheslines take both men outside. Kidman put into the barricade. Horace from behind, making the save. Doubleteam is on. So's the WHOOSHING GAB logo. In the ring, the beatdown continues. Scoop slam by Horace, exaggerated legdrop by Kidman, cover - only 2. Double suplex. Torrie is wearing glitter. Yeah. Into the ropes, head down, hairpull bulldog by Sting. Going for the Scorpion Death Drop, but Horace breaks it up. Short clothesline by Horace. Kidman stomps on him a bit. Horace stomps on him a bit. Into the ropes, double back elbow, Horace covers - Kidman pulls him off at 2. Torrie on the apron. Back to the stomping. Kidman asks Horace to give him the Spicolli Driver, which he does, but again Horace covers...and Kidman breaks it up. Kidman tells Horace to get in the corner, then he turns around and runs into an atomic drop from Sting. Kidman drops Sting onto a turnbuckle to come back. Clubbing forearm, head to the buckle, kicking away as Horace brings a table into the ring. The table is set up against the ropes. Kidman holding Sting - I bet he ducks - yup, Kidman eats the clothesline. Time for Sting to come back - opposite corner Stinger splashes! Gutshot for Kidman - repositioning the table - shot for Horace - pressing Kidman - then throwing him over the table, which breaks over the top rope on his way down to the raised aisle. Sting grabs Horace and puts HIM over the top. Sting down the aisle - gutshot for Horace - all the way down the aisle for the running start...ugly crossbody onto both men, onto a table half and into the ropes. Sting beats his chest! Kidman dragged into the ring - Scorpion Deathlock...time for the run-in, I'm sure. No! Kidman actually taps! Well, shut my mouth. (4:04) Sting leaves so we can have some post-match arguing between Horace and Kidman - they each get a shove in, but it's relegated pretty much to words. Torrie tries to play peacemaker, but fails. More shoving. Now MULLET AWESOME is out to show Torrie how a REAL man plays peacekeeper. Crowd, terribly interested in all this, chants "slut" so we quickly break to

Nitro ad - Goldberg vs. Tank Abbott! Why sell a PPV with it when you can give it away for free?

Jimmy Barron phones it in with 1-800-CAL-LATT - Nitro - Atlanta - Monday

"Is Pro Wrestling a Sport?" Sports Illustrated for Kids has Goldberg and Steiner on the cover, so who cares if they ask the question?

Here's a Special Look at Goldberg and Abbott - "this Monday on Nitro"

GENE O. works tonight! He stands with Tank Abbott and Rick Steiner. Tonight, they get Kevin Nash and Scott Steiner. Abbott promises that all hell will break loose on Monday. Tonight, it starts with Nash and Steiner. Steiner reminds us that he's the DFG. You want some? Come get some. You don't like him? Bite him!

Russo and Flair prepare for their match. Jarrett busts in and, after proclaiming Russo crazy, complains about his title match. Russo tells him to trust him - it's taken care of. "Against a twelve year old? You've lost your mind!"

A Cadillac SUV arrives outside. Nash, Steiner and the girls are in it! WOW!

Great American Bash promo - Flair vs. Flair, Kidman vs. Hogan, Sting vs. Vampiro, and it's Sunday 11 June. Castrol!

Screamin' Norman Smiley and Ralphus run down some of the crazy schemes they've tried while walking through a neighbourhood - the lawncare business had no takers, the dog walking service found no business, and nobody agreed to let Ralphus babysit their child. They happen across a sign that says "WRESTLING TODAY" and seems to be near to a backyard. Smiley tells Ralphus that he thinks their changing...

Meanwhile, Cat talks on his phone. He's got to be the greatest!

WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT TITLE: JEDOUBLEF JADOUBLEREDOUBLET v. SHANE DOUGLAS - Tenay reminds us of the evils of backyard wrestling. Kids, stay in school, and after you graduate, attend the Power Plant - it's the HARVARD of professional wrestling! Champ enters first because the second entrance needs a WCW Magazine ad to break it up. Let Us Take You Back Two Weeks where Douglas had some problems booking Thunder. Jarrett, thankfully, waffles Douglas before he gets the music cut. Since this match guarantees run-in, I'm not going to bother with calling anything until we get there, so cool out for ...oh. Thirty seconds, and THE NEW GODFATHER OF SOUL distracts Douglas, allowing Jarrett to knee him through the ropes and onto the raised entryway. Still to come, the most important Eric Bischoff interview in the history of our sport. WHOOSH 11 DAYS AWAY. In WCW, so many title changes is called "parity." Referee "Blind" Mark Johnson, who has been given grief by Cat all this time, finally shoves back. Cat takes a chair and shoves it into Johnson, hitting him in the lower leg - surely enough of an injury to debilitate him from making the third count on a "sure thing" Pittsburgh Plunge fishermanbuster! Douglas grabs the chair - and Cat cartwheel kicks the chair to Douglas' head. The Stroke - the pinfall - the end. (2:59)

Here's a DDP snippet. That interview's later, too.

MIKE TENAY interviews DIAMOND DALLAS PAGE. I know better, but here's your free transcript:

DDP, quite honestly, in recent months your life has been a living hell.


Yes, your professional - your private life, thanks primarily to one man, a man that you at one point in time considered a very close friend in Eric Bischoff. know Eric Bischoff, and you know me. You know the story, the first time I ever met him I wanted to rip his head off. Now, as time went on - you know, we ended up being neighbours and close friends, and--well, I thought we were. You're right, yeah.

Bischoff has even gone out of his way to claim that he made you a star.

Really...again. I've heard him say it a thousand times. You know, being Eric Bischoff's friend made Page Falkenberg work five times harder, because I had to prove something, more than anybody else. Bischoff never made me - *I* made spite of him.

What was it, from the time that Eric left WCW last year to his return in April, that destroyed that friendship that you had?

I don't even know, man - I can only speculate. You know - bitterness, 'cause I know he was awful hot leavin' here. You know, they sent him out to pasture. You know, I - I tried to stay in touch with him. If - if we don't talk, because I return phone calls, it's your fault. And, I can only make so many phone calls without a return - I know he was really bitter, maybe he was pissed off 'cause I didn't leave with him, ya know, but I gotta contract, and I honoured my obligations.

In your book, Positively Page, you refer to that ever-present yo-yo that has represented the ups and downs of your life. Of course, the storybook romance with Kim that we've seen evolve in the past couple of weeks to the point where, on national television, she served you the divorce papers, and then we even saw the restraining order this past Monday on Nitro. What is she thinking?

I don't know. IS she thinking?

Did you see it coming?

Are you kidding me? Do you think any guy does? How many guys you think have come home and their stuff's outside and the door, oh, the key doesn't work. You think I even saw it coming? Maybe if they did, maybe they'd change the looks. Bottom line is I'd (stammers) ya know, but fame does funny things to people. That want - I know about that want. I know about that desire. To want to be in that spot. But I also know about not steppin' on people to get there, and uh...that's the only way Bischoff knows, I NEVER agreed with his business. As a friend and as a family man, he's a cool guy when you're with him, but in the business world, and obviously, you know he changed a lot over that six months. Obviously.

Let's talk about Kimberly a little more. Do you still love her?

*scoffs* Duuuuh. What, you think you could just stop loving somebody like that? Of course I do. But, I don't love this chick. Huh. You know, she's a different animal. I loved the chick I was with before.

Speaking of different animals, the title says it all: Positively Page. But all of a sudden, we get this negative vibe from you.

If you read the book, you know that I gotta go to the bottom of that yo-yo sometimes, and skim along the bottom, to be able to bounce off and it-- then I'll get regenerated. Right now, I mean I'm gettin' hit with EVERYTHING, so you know, that being said, you know, I've been here longer than I wanna be. You're right.

There's a lot of people in the locker room here at WCW that think you may NEVER get back.


Yes, really.

...again. My whole life, Professor Tenay...Poindexter...people been telling me I can't do something. I can't do this, I'll never be this, I'll never be that. You'll never be a main eventer, you'll never be champion. You know, I've had people telling me my whole life I can't do something. Well, that's what motivates me the most, and anyone who says that - they don't really know me...and obviously, you don't either.

Page, the story doesn't being and end with just Eric and Kimberly. At Slamboree, the triple cage match with Jeff Jarrett - David Arquette also involved. David Arquette has gone out of his way to blame you; to say that you got to David Arquette and stopped him from pursuing his dream of having a wrestling career.

What dream? It was a fluke. It was fun, he got to beat Bischoff, he was a World Champion for a day. I've been that. For a day. All right? I mean, that's all he needed to be. He - I - I was trying to keep from gettin' killed. Obviously, like Bischoff twisted my wife against me, and twisted him against me - whatever, ya know? I mean, what the hell - I'm, I'm - I went with the flow. It, it ain't the end of the world for me, man, you know, so...whatever.

And speaking of Slamboree, that's where we all witnessed that horrific incident involving your close friend Chris Kanyon at the hands of the Career Killer Mike Awesome--

Don't call that (jackoff) a career killer. He didn't kill anyone's career, especially Kanyon's. I know Kanyon; he's got heart. He loves this business, and there ain't nothing gonna keep him from walking again or wrestling. So, don't - don't, don't even refer to him like that. At the Great American Bash, Awesome - well, we'll see who ends up in the ambulance.

Page, in listening to the responses to the questions, I have to ask this. We think back to the problems that you've had with Eric Bischoff, with your wife Kimberly, with your friend from the movie David Arquette...have you ever thought about...maybe it's - it's you, that you're at the root of these problems?

Page removes his mic and walks off. We zoom in on Tenay with a wide-eyed, yet pensive look on his face. And by "pensive," I mean "his normal facial expression."

Gene O. interviews Cat, who stands with Stasiak and Palumbo. There'll be a tag team title match tonight - the DQ rule *is* in effect, and if they get DQ'd the titles will change hands. Shane Douglas barges in and asks what the hell was up with his match. Cat says the devil made him do it, but Douglas DEMANDS to know who gave the orders. Will he find out.....later?

Bischoff snippet. Oh boy, another segment chock full o' quotables! I'm SOOOO tired

Promotional consideration paid for by Slim Jim (no Savage), Aqua Velva's IceSport, Super Soaker, America (ha!) Online, Motel 6 7/8, and WCW Powerslam Wrestlers

Close captioning provided by Meineke!

Scott Steiner and Kevin Nash get in some cardio in preparation for their big match later tonight. Nash makes a crack about cat food and ass that gets muted.

WORLD TAG TEAM TITLES: PERFECSHAWN & THE EVENT CHUCK PALUMBO v. KRONYKK - challengers come out first to Perfect's - I mean, Stasiak's music. Whoops, he isn't even Stasiak anymore - both challengers have had name tweaks (possibly lawsuit related, wink wink). Tag team wrestling in WCW? Bischoff MUST be out of town! Kronic quickly clears the ring. Referee "Blind" Billy Silverman asks that this please settle down lest it turn into one o' them DQ's everybody hates so much. Adams and Stasiak locking up in the ring. Stasiak ducks, kicks, punches, into the ropes is WHOOSH logo reversed, Adams takes command WHOOSH press - press - dropped into a gutbuster for a near fall. Tag to Clarke - into the ropes, double shoulderblock. Gutshot, chop, into the ropes, head down, kick by Stasiak, tag to Palumbo, who runs into some punches, head to the buckle, into the ropes, big boot - double underhook suplex for 2. Right, kick, into the opposite corner, Palumbo up and over, duck, superkick was only half super - 1, kickout. Right, right, right, right, off the ropes, backbreaker. At this point, I break from play-by-play to give you this shining example of commentator repartee:

Heenan: I'm glad he finally got rid of that trenchcoat.
Schiavone: To the - (doubletake) to the side of the head--
Tenay: Not even close. That's Columbo!
Heenan: Close enough.
Schiavone. The side of the head. Columbo, by the way, was a TV show before most of you watching this were born. Up on top and - oh! Oh.
Tenay: Was that a dated reference?
Schiavone: Yes it was.
Heenan: It's in reruns - stupid.

Tag to Adams - into the ropes - full nelson - Uncle Slam. 1, 2, Adams pulls up as he sees Stasiak coming in. Or there was a kickout, who knows. Into the ropes, reversed, knee in the back by Perfecshawn, God that's lame, gutshot by Event, God THAT'S lame, DDT. Adams actually has an arm on Palumbo, but it's only a 1 count as both men roll and stay down. The count is on - who will make the tag? Crowd approaches having a pulse - must be this extended exposure to ummm, WRESTLING. Tag to Stasiak, who pounds away on Adams, into the ropes, flying back elbow, 1, 2, kickout. Staying on him, into the ropes, duck, Adams manages a piledriver. Tag to Clarke! *HE'S* A HOUSE ON FIRE! Pier Four Brawl breaks out - Palumbo put over the top rope onto the aisle. Off the ropes, gutshot, High Times. Palumbo has the Lex Flexor - oh no - Clarke covers - 1, 2, Silverman catches Adams using the Flexor to clothesline Palumbo off the ropes ('cause he stole it and reversed the whip) and calls for the bell. Ladies and gentlemen, we have new tag team champions. (DQ 4:56) This is what they call a "push." Kronic tell Silverman to experience High Times.

Another snippet of the upcoming Bischoff interview - which is all Schiavone. Huh.

Advance Auto Parts presents This Week in WCW Motorsports! Goldberg hogs the mic time from Blaise Alexander. Tenth place with Goldberg on the hood! You're next!

Great American Bash promo - Sting vs. Vampiro - Castrol Motor Oily will not be used in the fire, hopefully

Smiley and Ralphus cut a promo against backyard wrestling - "Do you know who I am?" "Aren't you Booker T?" Knowing is half the battle! Smiley demonstrates some mat technique on their "shooter" champion. The crowd "oohs" and "aahs" this exciting display of ankle locks, crossfaces, and three-quarter nelsons, proving that you're never too young to think that sports entertainment SUCKS. Anyway, after he pins "the shooter" he does a bit of wiggling (but no smackin' my bitch up and doin' it in da butt - these are KIDS!), then makes off with the tinfoil championship belt.

TONY SCHIAVONE interviews CRACKA EAZY-E. Follow along and see how many year-old (and beyond!) cliches he recylces from the quotes I reprinted a few weeks ago in the Nitro report!

Eric, a lot of things have happened in WCW to say the least since you returned on April 10th, and since you and Vince Russo took over creative control of our television programs.

Now let me stop you right there. First of all, we didn't take over creative control of the television programs, we took control of WCW. There's a big difference, try to get it right.

Okay. But the one big question mark that we all have is the night the you and Vince Russo were NOT there. It was Lafayette, Louisana about two weeks ago - Thunder - you gave control of the New Blood over to the Franchise Shane Douglas, and there was a big business meeting that was taking place--

Now let me, let me cut you off right there. In the first place, let's talk a little bit about the history of WCW and Eric Bischoff. When I took over WCW in 1994, I said I was going to make it the #1 wrestling organisation in the world. And you and a lot of people just like you didn't believe that that was going to happen. But I MADE it happen. I MADE this company #1. And I made it #1 by making big moves, by making big decisions, and by taking big risks. There's a pattern here, Tony. And now I'm back. I came back with Vince Russo. That was a big move. It was a big risk. Nobody thought that THAT was ever going to happen. Do you kinda see the connection here? Are ya connecting the dots? That's what I'm all about, Tony - big moves, big risks...and big success.

No one's denying that - no, I don't think anyone has ever denied that. But the question is - what big meeting took place in California - and what exactly is going on that we don't know about?

Look, like I just said a few moments ago, it's all about big decisions. Yeah, we had a business meeting, we had it in Los Angeles, California, there were attorneys present, there were notaries present...there were attorneys for the attorneys and attorneys for the notaries. The fact is, the deal is done. At eleven o'clock this morning, it was signed, it was sealed, it was delivered. One of the largest law firms in Los Angeles have reviewed all the document - documents to make absolutely certain that there can be no injuctions filed, nothing can happen that could possibly stop what's going to happen at the Great American Bash on June eleventh...NOTHING.

You know sports entertainment is a lot of hype - granted. Vince Russo, after Monday Nitro this week, was on WCW Live! on and said this would be the single biggest thing to ever happen to sports entertainment. Bigger than anything in WCW - bigger than anything in the WWF - bigger EVEN than Russo and Bischoff's coming back, taking over WCW. What do you have to say to that? I mean, that - can you live up to that hype?

Well, first of all I don't have to live up to *your* expectations or anybody else's expectations. But I can tell you this: the Great American Bash - we are going to change the landscape - we are going to change the face of sports entertainment and wrestling as you and everybody else knows it, and there's not a thing that you, there's not a thing that Vince McMahon, there's not a thing that ANYBODY is going to be able to do to stop it, and you're really boring the hell out of me.

And he walks off.

Well, colour me nonplussed.

The Family Flair - is - WALKING!

Meanwhile, the family Russo - is - also - - - - - WALKING!

Promotional consideration paid for by Aqua Velva's IceSport (again), Corn Nuts, Three Kings on pay-per-view, and ducks with mohawks chewing Bubble Yum. Oh, and IceSport AGAIN again. And WCW BattlArms. Power to the people! Rat own, rat own.

I WAS talkin' 'bout Shaft! (Then I can dig it!)

One more ad for the WCW Magazine

DAVID FLAIR & VIC VENOM (with bat) v. THE MAN & REID FLEIHR (with Beth Fleihr) - one more opportunity for the commentators to decry backyard wrestling. And now for another ironic dichotomy...Hey, look, that's Reid Flair! Father and son start offLockup, side headlock by David, into the ropes, shoulderblock by David, off the ropes, up and over, knife-edge chop by Ric. In the corner, shirt is ripped, chop, chop, chop, into the opposite corner, charging towards Russo, who leaps off the apron to avoid it. Back to David WHOOOOOSH GAB 11 DAYS AWAY right hand, chop, WHOOOOOOOSH, Flair over to grab the house mic. "Russo, I told you, you got none of these - get in the ring! How 'bout it, Boise? I'm so sure of it - I'm - you couldn't beat me couldn't beat him, pissant! Hey! Three minutes! I'll stand out here for three minutes, or I'll retire tonight - HE'LL wear your little skinny ass out. Twelve years out. Come on! Show me, buddy - woooo!" He throws the mic to Russo. "Three minutes - you stay out? You give me that little (shit)." Tag on both sides. Didn't Russo see what Reid did to Bischoff? Russo with a Shane-O-Mac-esque shuffle - oh, sorry, that wasn't fair of me to compare it to...hell, it's the same Goddam outfit, even! Russo trying a jab and missing - a crotch grab and paintbrush for Ric on the outside. Another paintbrush by Russo - and another. Russo and David share a moment of reserved celebration. Russo turns around and promptly goes down to the patented Reid Flair double leg takedown. Russo takes off his warmup jacket. Russo walks in - single leg takedown for Flair. Russo looks for some advice from David, who whispers in his ear. Russo turns back...and promptly goes down to a spear and double leg takedown. For purposes of our storyline the past 1:08 will count as "three minutes," because now Ric is in the ring and ready to mount Russo and give him some fists - he gets four punches before David comes in to save him - elbow, in the corner, elbow, chop, chop, chop, elbow and Ric goes down. David brings him up - vertical suplex. Chop, chop, chop, David struts...then shows off his biceps. Ric comes back with a chop. Chop, chop, and David goes over the top to the floor. Ric follows. Chop, taking him to the ringpost, but too close to Russo. Flair over to Russo, who has a statue of liberty, which he proceeds to conk over Flair's head. Russo rolls him back in the ring and David drags him over for a stompin'. Reid in to help out his unconscious father - putting his arms around David's waist, but he throws him off. Reid back to the waist - David shoving him off again. A third waistlock attempt - David pulls him off and puts him into the ropes, where Russo stands and pulls on the ankles. Nice bump for Reid! David putting on the figure four while Russo presses him down. Referee "Blind" Charles Robinson decides to count it - 1, 2, 3. (4:42) Russo and Flair jump for joy. Beth in to check on her son as the ring fills with concessions. Russo has THE STICK. "Get up! Get up!" He blocks a slap. "Are you gonna believe me now, or are you gonna listen to me when it's too late, Beth?" Russo and David walk off to moderate showers. Reid starts to try to follow them...and we go to break.

Gene O. stands with Ric Flair, who promises that it'll come to an end Monday. He's gonna got Turner on the phone - he wants Russo in the cage at Nitro! He pulls off his bandage and bleeds a bit to drive the point home.

Hey, remember how you used to write me and say that WCW was superior to the WWF 'cause the WWF had Vince McMahon wrestle while WCW NEVER had Vince Russo wrestler? You're biased.

THE NEW GODFATHER OF SOUL joins the commentators for the main event.

KEVIN NASH & SUPERSTAR SCOTT STEINER (with Midajah & Shakira) v. JOBBED TO DAVID ARQUETTEBERG & RICK WOOF WOOF - Tony actually thinks that Goldberg's music heralds someone other than Tankberg carrying two sparklers. Yup. Cat says that he's got a big announcement - watch for it! Pier Four Brawl ensues - Abbott gets a belly-to-belly overhead suplex from Steiner. Cat takes the house mic and announces that the winner of this match will get a World Title shot against Jeff Jarrett. If the ratings go up for this show, does Cat get the credit? Steiner and Steiner in there as it starts up again. Pound on Rick, knee, knee, into the ropes, leapfrog, Rick turns around and kicks him in the nuts - Steinerline, elbowdrop, 1, 2, no. Through the ropes to the outside. We cut to Jeff Jarrett pacing in the dressing room. As he grabs his gee-tar he promises to himself, the camera and the entire audience that there won't be a pinfall in this match - but there WILL be a DQ. Back to the action...well there isn't anyway - people are walking around the outside and not fighting. Steiner kicks Steiner in the head. That's Rick on Scott, okay. Scott rolled back in, Rick back in - Rick using Scott's own submission move against him! Russo accepts the challenge for Monday - try to act surprised. Crowd chanting "Goldberg" - maybe. Rick pounds on Scott when he fiails to submit. Big ol' belly-to-belly overhead suplex by Rick. Elbowdrop gets only 2. Tag to Tankberg, body blow right, right, right, left, right, right, clubbin' blow, right - why doesn't he just use his KO blow? Tag to Rick. Stomp, menacing move towards referee "Blind" Mark Johnson, letting his brother crawl towards Nash, then kicks a field goal. Back to a chinlock - right to the ear. Distracting Nash into distracting the ref so Abbott can come in and NOW he hits his HAND OF STONE - cover, 1, 2, NO! Well, so much for THAT move. WHOOOOOOSH GAB 11 DAYS AWAY WHOOOOOOOOSH Scott manages a DDT and both men are down. Who will tag? I can see the butt cheeks of that one hooch! Tag to Nash! Right to Steiner, right to Abbott, right to Steiner, right to Abbott, running over to Steiner slumped on the second rope with a Bossman straddle - sidewalk slam for Abbott. Clothesline for Steiner to take him outside. Abbott from behind - whip is reversed, Nash with a big boot. Nash calling Steiner over to handle Abbot while he steps over the top rope to go outside...but Steiner gets Nash right in the Little Sexy. Here's JEDOUBLEF JADOUBLEREDOUBLET, and there's El Kabong on the Reclining Steiner. Johnson looks to the the Cat? Apparently so, Cat says "no DQ" so he doesn't call it. Jarrett demands that the bell be rung, but Cat reminds all of us that he's the boss. Meanwhile, Rick waffles Nash with the title belt and down he goes. The hooches hit the ring to check on Scott as Heenan thoughtfully observes "Boy, this is a cluster here, guys!" BOBBY HEENAN IS THE MOTHERFUCKING MAN. Anyway, Johnson is back in to count - 1, 2...........................Nash decides Abbott ISN'T going to pull Johnson out of the ring (he's out on the other side of the floor, in fact) and puts his shoulder up even after Johnson gently rests his arm on the mat for what should have been a third count. Funny, it would have been *just like* Russo to book Rick Steiner to victory...'cause nobody would have expected it! The women roll Big Poppa Pump to the outside - and presumably out of this match. Rick has Tank (or Jarrett, who can say) throw him a chair - Nash promptly gives the big boot to the chair to knock out Rick Steiner. Truckstop powerbomb coming up. Jarrett's got a chair but Nash is staring at him the whole time...1, 2, 3. (5:51) So, what you're telling me is when the Great American Bash comes around...and after all these weeks...we've come full circle to....Jarrett vs. Nash. Wotta shock?

The Last Man Watching Thunder
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