Epileptic seizure inducing "highlight" reel of Nitro

In the parking lot, a limousine pulls up...and out come three suits...and Eric Bischoff...

Opening Credits

PYRO wheeeeeeeee HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME it's time for another two hours of THUNDER! 7.6.2K (taped 6.6) and emanating from the Civic Colesium in Knoxville, TN - Tennessee being proven THE CRAPPIEST STATE IN THE UNION, I might add...and speaking of crap

It begins right away as CRACKA EAZY-E airplanes to the ring across the raised entryway with his THREE SUITS to the soulful strains of "Theme From NWO Monday Nitro." "I am overwhelmed with the love I feel in this building. You people. I've got a couple of very important announcements to make this evening. My legal staff behind me, here to assure that this is official, this is documented, and I make no mistakes...so I'm going to be very very careful with the words I choose. Three things! First of all, the anticipation towards this Sunday - Great American Bash - (exclusively on pay-per-view) - tremendous amount of speculation as to what my big surprise is...because you all know, when I say it's going to be big, it will be big. But not to overhype anything, I want to assure all of you that it will be the biggest damn move I have ever made, bar none, and no one can stop me! Just for the record. Secondly, for those of you who watched Nitro, you know that I was very clear when I addressed Bill Goldberg...you know that I was very fair when I addressed him, I made it very clear - ABUNDANTLY clear - that if Bill Goldberg interfered with New Blood business that I would have no choice, despite the fact that I really, really respect Bill, I would have no choice but to suspend him...therefore, Bill, as of NOW you are suspended WITHOUT pay - but it's not about the money - you are suspended without pay for a period of ninety days. Ninety days without pay suspended as of right...now. Okay! Now that we got that out of the way. On a more serious note, and please, can I have your attention? On a very serious note, I would like to address what happened to Jeff Jarrett - because of what happened to him in the match with Sting--seriously, please, please, if I could have your attention. He was injured at the hands of Sting, and because of that he will not be able - he will not be able to participate at the Great American Bash. That match with Nash has been postponed, don't blame me, you can thank Sting. But one thing about Jeff Jarrett...he is a gentleman, he is a professional, and I would like to introduce him now, so that he can say a few words." Here's JEDOUBLEF JADOUBLEREDOUBLET, along with two "nurses" (one carrying a gee-tar and the other carrying - hell, that's not even the REAL title belt, is it?) and R&B Security - he's got a big cast around his left leg, a big cast on his right arm, bolted to a frame on his body, a horsecollar...but thank God, he can still talk.

Backstage, the Misfits in Action...no

Meanwhile, David Flair and Vince Russo escort a van full of senior citizens... I mean, they're WALKING!

Supertramp? In Rocky and Bullwinkle? That's weird...

When we come back, David Flair avoids an arriving Daffney, who badmouths "Miss Peacock"

Meanwhile, Kimberly, Jeff Jarrett and Cat surround Eric Bischoff and makes noise. He asks for some time alone...with this cameraman. Then he paces nervously. Thanks, cameraman!

This portion of Thunder is brought to you via Western Union. I WISH! I could refuse delivery!

DISCO INFERNO (with Konnan, Raymond Stereo, de Juice & Nitro Grrl Tygryss) v. LT. LOCO (with Capt. Rection, Maj. Stash, Cpl. Cajun & Major Gunns) v. DAFFNEY UNGER (with Crowbar) for the World Cruiserweight champioinship - Konnan and Disco Inferno get mic time - Inferno wearing a Baley jersey. Daffney's music plays for a good twenty seconds, ruining the MIA entrance - but I only point out lame production errors like this because I have a bias against WCW. The MIA have a new song, and we can only hope Edwin Starr is getting some royalties out of it. Instead of saying "War" they sing nothing, then instead of "(huh, Good God, y'all)" they sing "Misfits" and then instead of saying "What is it good for" nothing, and finally "Abosultely nothing" is replaced with "in action." Now sing it again! Tygress joins the commentators, but her headset doesn't work. Too bad none of the other commentators know this. Daffney's shirt says "ME TOO" tonight and she carries a megaphone. We learn that Tygress is Rey Mysterio's girlfriend - or at least that's what Tony says, we don't hear her because HER HEADSET ISN'T WORKING. Oh, now it IS working - imagine Rosie Perez on the Jerry Springer show, and you have Tygress in a nutshell. Hey, remember the good old days when her headset wasn't working? Run-in by MISS HANCOCK, who confronts Daffney on the ramp. Here's KIMBRRLY, who pushes Hancock into Daffney - of course, her clipboard (apparently made of sugar) shatters. Major Gunns is over to join this confab - now Rection holds her back as Crowbar checks on Daffney - meanwhile, something's happening in the ring but we don't -

Meanwhile, Kidman tries to get back in good graces with Torrie - but she's all "yeah, whatever" and he's all "baby PLEASE" and she's all "would you stop looking at my ROOTS?"

Meanwhile, at the Hall of Justice, Vince Russo catches up to Cat, who is pacing outside Bischoff's office. Russo asks Cat to hang with HIM tonight, and they walk (WALKING!) off

Nitro is Monday! And this ad is full of anachronism

Great American Bash features Billy Kidman vs. Hulk Hogan with Horace as the special referee - title shot vs. career. Hey, wanna know how *I'D* book this? Horace DQ's Hogan at 0:00, ending his career. YEAH! I'd pay for THAT!

"Moments Ago," Cat came out and told the MIA us he's still got the power. Next time somebody comes out not in the match, he's gonna fire them. "If you're not in a match, you shouldn't be out here!" Cat says something about "lube jobs at the Waffle House." I was gonna go back and check, but I don't care

FAR OUT MAJOR STASH (already in the ring) v. BILLY KIDMAN (with Horace) - Let Us Take You Back to Nitro where Torrie and Kidman had a flare up. Kidman takes the mic before the match and gives ANOTHER "Baby, I'm sorry" speech worthy of a Boyz II Men bridge. Kidman says Monday he was stressed, and worried about whether or not he could trust Horace - but by the stitches on his head, he knows he can. But he doesn't need this from her right now. Kidman calls his opponent "Private Stash," so who KNOWS what his rank is. I suppose it doesn't matter, does it? Horace goes omnipresent and helps out Kidman, culminating in a Spicolli Driver - Savage elbow from Kidman for the pin. (2:07) The AMAZING thing is that ALL of Horace's offense took place behind the back of referee "Blind" Mark Johnson - this *despite* the "relaxed rules of WCW" that we've been hearing all about lately. I'm starting to wonder if perhaps somebody has been rethinking how good of an idea that was. Post-match, Kidman again takes the mic and requests the pleasure of Torrie's company in the ring. TORRIE SAMUDA comes out, breasts abouncing. Kidman apologises again, then tells Torrie that they always talked about how much fun it'd be to make up after their first fight - so how'z about they make up all night. Torrie slaps him - then bounces off.

Backstage, Cat teaches the old folks how to dance - no. Line: (from an old lady) "I'll knock that bleach outta your hay-yar."

As the ring fills with balloons and confetti, VIC VENOM, DAVID FLAIR & THE OLD FOLKS walk out to the ring to "Not Iron Man." Russo is wearing one of the old Ric Flair T-shirts from the time Flair was involved in the lawsuit 'n' all. Cake in the ring - we all expect someone's face to end up in that. David welcomes us to Ric Flair's retirement party, then goes into a diatribe about how his father was never there for his birthday or graduation, but HE has made sure to be here for THIS occasion. Russo tells us his records as a professional wrestler is 2-0, having beaten Reid last week and Ric on Monday. Russo says the doctors told him he shouldn't even be standing tonight - he suffered a severe concussion, ligament damage, and...Russo rips open his shirt to show the bruises that Flair's chops gave him. Russo proclaims the old folks in the ring "Ric Flair's friends," and they were all brought to Knoxville to take part in this celebration. Line: "Now which one o' you is passin' the gas?" Surely, Russo's been waiting to use that one for MONTHS. Russo starts up a singing of "For He's A Jolly Good Fellow" as we see ANOTHER cake - this one, huge - wheeled out by two more old folks. Russo, instinctively knowing somebody MUST be in that cake, climbs in to deal with ... but THE MAN was under the ring - he knocks down David, then catches up to Russo. "You got it comin' one more time. You like gettin' your ass kicked? You like gettin' chopped? Huh? You like it?" The (real) cake falls over as Russo gets back in the ring. Oops. "Brother - this is Knoxville Tennessee!" Flair puts Russo - get ready - into the cake. Flair chops and Golotas David. REID FLAIR was in the ring, too - but he and Dad walk off to his theme. Russo can hang in the figure four for half an hour, but put his face in a cake and he's OUT. Heenan: "That's how Madden looks when he eats cake!"

Out in the parking lot, Tank Abbott and Rick Steiner arrive, grab their luggage from the trunk - and they're WALKING!! Off in the distance, we see the SCARY GOLDBERG MONSTER TRUCK. Mike and Tony *swear* that means Goldberg is here, even though the ONE time we actually SAW him with that truck...*he wasn't even driving it*

Jimmy Barron phones it in - The GAB is Sunday in Baltimore! Believe it or not, good seats are STILL available - possibly for free!

Chris Parnell shilling Keystone? Is he BROKE or something?

Eric Bischoff is on the phone - if Goldberg steps one foot inside the building, he wants him arrested

MAMALUKES (Luke Mama I love you) v. WALL for the World Hardcore title - Eric Bischoff decided to give up the belt without a pin, handing it to Mideon. I mean the Mamalukes! This match starts backstage and gets worse from there. Wall now has dark hair and goatee and wears black leather pants...he looks strangely familiar now. Out through the curtain, through the crowd, I have failed to mention the WHOOSHING Castrol/GAB logo all week and will continue to do so. Say, would we have seen the Mamalukes this week if we hadn't seen C.G. Afi on TNN last Friday? By the way, if you actually *believe* that TNN thing is a shoot, come over here so I can slap some sense into you.

The Thunder Ringside Release is a big ol' long ad for the TBS Superstation Original movie "On Hostile Ground." Ooo-eee.

The TV-PG-DLV logo appears as Abbott, still in the ring, leads some Goldberg cheers

The Great American Bash features Tank Abbott vs. Scott Steiner for the US Heavyweight Title in the Asylum

Mickie Jay gives Abbott the "you're on camera" again signal, so here we go. "Where you at, Kevin Nash? Where you at, Nash? Oh, yeah, he's nowhere around. I'm gettin' tired of waitin' around. I just might have to start beatin' up innocent victims again before he comes out. Look at all you stupid idiots, it's pretty easy for me to find one now. Where's the tough guys over here?" We look backstage to see Nash watching on a monitor with some bemusement. Abbott walks around the ring - Schiavone apparently having walked off, as he's not at the table. Abbott finally chances upon JOHN MICHAEL SCHIAVONE in the front row and steals some of his popcorn. Wow, he looks JUST like his father - frightening! Schiavone throws his drink in Tank's face. A couple cops start to arrest Schiavone - oh, THERE'S Tony, off to rescue his son - and covering his face to keep him from cracking up at all this. KEVIN NASH decides that perhaps NOW is a good time to come out...

JOBBED TO DAVID ARQUETTE v. KEVIN NASH - It takes all of eight seconds for RICK WOOF WOOF to come out and Mickie Jay to call for the bell to be rung a million times (relaxed DQ :13) - this match's end actually beats the WHOOSH logo, and that's no mean feat. SUPERSTAR SCOTT STEINER makes for another run-in - Abbott and Steiner run off. It actually takes less than thirty seconds between times "Theme From Wolfpac" plays. CRACKA EAZY-E is out, no doubt to fire Rick AND Scott Steiner for running in. Oh, no, he's out to tell Scott Steiner he's booked a Gauntlet run for Steiner later in the show. If Nash interferes, he loses his title shot. If Goldberg shows up, he'll be arrested on the spot. Hey, I wonder if Steiner will get to pin people without touching them like Nash did on Monday...

Various black and white shots (meant to simulate security cameras) show Bill Goldberg - and he's WALKING!

CPL. CAJUN (already in the ring) v. "CAREER KILLER" AWESOME MULLET - As you might expect, we talk a lot about Schiavone's son instead of this match. Poor Cajun spends about a minute pretending to be stunned while Awesome works on getting a table into the ring. Before Cajun gets powerbombed through the table, DIAMOND DALLAS PAGE comes out. Awesome manages a shot with the halo, and then he crucifix bombs *Page* through the table. Then he puts the Pitbull #1 gear on him. Where'd Cajun go? I dunno! I guess we'll call it (relaxed no contest 2:55) These two have an ambulance match Sunday - yeah.

A black limo pulls up in the parking lot - and Hollywood Hogan exits

Promotional consideration paid for by Aqua Velva Ice Sport, Slim Jim (no Savage), Super Soaker, America (ha!) Online, Aqua Velva Ice Sport (what, again?), and WCW Powerslam wrestlers!

Close captioning where available brought to you by Meineke!

Eric Bischoff tries to direct the cops - while Kimberly acts VERY POORLY

WORLD TAG TEAM TITLE: GI BRO & CAP. RECTION (with Maj. Gunns) v. "PERFECTSHAWN" & "THE EVENT" - Perfectshawn and Bro will take part in a "Boot Camp" match Sunday - Boot Camp apparently another way to say "Tejas Death Match." Hey, just when you thought it was safe..."Crazy Ol' Pop" is back. Remember him? The pantsless father of Hugh Morrus, escaped from the mental ward and....yeah, that guy. Now, he IS wearing pants - in fact, he's clad in the garb of a three-star general. We can only hope his new name is something like "General Lylamepatheticandstupidbeyondbelief" and perhaps he'll trade in his helment for one that's purple so somebody can make some dick jokes.

A short, top of my head list of people I would rather have seen return than Hugh's father: La Parka, Silver King, El Dandy, Damien, Villano IV, Villano V, Lizmark Jr., Hector Garza, Fit Finlay, Steve Regal, Meng, Barry Horowitz, Lane, Rave, Sonny Siaki, Elix Skipper, Eric Watts, Marty Jannetty, Reese, Steve McMichael, Joe Gomez, Pez Whatley, Rip Rogers, Jumpin' Joey Maggs, Col. Rob Parker, Chris Cruise, Sonny Onoo, Hardbody Harrison, "Hard Work" Bobby Walker, Billy Two Eagles, the Rock 'n' Roll Express, the Midnight Express, and Big Van Vader. I'm probably forgetting somebody but don't feel like you need to email me YOUR list. Send it to ringmaster@wrestleline.com insetad - they LOVE your feedback!

Advance Auto Parts presents This Week in WCW Motorsports! At Dover Downs, Blaise Alexander apparently placed SO well, the voiceover only refers to his mysterious finish as "valuable experience."

SHAFT!

Great American Bash features Vampiro vs. Sting in a Human Torch match!

Here's the latest edition of WCW Magazine - there's an article about Bischoff & Russo in it - thank God! I needed MORE Bischoff and Russo information!

NEW GODFATHER OF SOUL v. (THIS IS) STING - "Now, before I get started, I want all of you rednecks to sit your asses down and shut up before I close this place down! Now, before I kick this man ass, I'm gonna do a little bit of dancing for the bunch of you fatasses in here. Now - I want everybody to - hit my I want you to hit my music - and I want everybody to watch me get on baby!" Did he just start EVERY sentence with "Now?" Hey, you know Rikishi stole the "dancing" bit from this guy. Before Sting can get in the ring, JOBBIN' VAMPIRO appears and gives Sting a fire extinguisher shot in the face. Cat walks off. Vampiro does some damage to Sting, poses for the crowd, goes back to Sting, rips off the Stinger splash, rips off the Scorpion Death Drop, and I bet he's gonna rip off the Scorpion Death Lock. Oh, he throws Sting through the ropes to the floor again. It was all a SWERVE! Vampiro goes outside to the commentary table as our commentators (the AWESOME 3) scatter. As the floor managers helpfully remove the monitors, Vampiro pours some "gasoline" on the table,

Promotional consideration paid for by Aqua Velva Ice Sport (#3), Slim Jim (no Savage 2), Super Soaker (2), America (ha!) Online (2), Aqua Velva Ice Sport (4), and WCW Powerslam wrestlers. If I didn't know better, I'd suggest they screwed up and played the same set of promos twice instead of playing the correct one here, but who can say for sure.

Moments Ago - you've just seen it

Sting refuses help - and he's WALKING!

A look at our commentators - and their new table

GENE O. works tonight! Well, as soon as his mic works...he welcomes out YOU KNOW WHO, who wears black and comes out to the NWO porno theme. More unwelcome comeback: Rection's father or Hollywood Hogan? Hogan says "Scott Hall" and mentions how good it is to be bad again. He proclaims the New Blood "boring," then drops the names of Goldberg and Big Sexy to get some glom...rub...whatever. Hogan gives us his Popeye impersonation, and for an encore recycles his "flea market" line when referring to Kidman. I STILL have no idea how beating Kidman on Sunday will get Hulk Hogan a World Heavyweight title shot. Hogan calls Jarrett "Slapnuts Hillbilly Jeff Jarrett" and Kevin Nash "my good friend," when referring to his possible July opponents. Guy in the crowd lifts his shirt and shows us his gut. Those wacky guys with their Hawaiian shirts. Hogan's gonna kick his ass!

NEXT: Scott Steiner and his hooches are WALKING!

SUPERSTAR SCOTT STEINER (with his four - *two* hooches) runs the gauntlet - two new matches announced for Great American Bash - Lt. Loco meets Disco Inferno for the Cruiserweight title, while Kronic takes on the Mamalukes in a #1 Contenders' match for the tag team titles. Steiner will grace us with some mic time. "Eric Bischoff, you and I are no strangers, so you of all people should know not to get on my bad side. So if you want me to beat that New Blood ass, I'll beat that New Blood ass. But when it's all said and done, I'm comin' after you. Now Tank Abbott, I got one favour to ask of you at the Great American Bash. Just stick some front teeth in, (WHOOOOOOSH) so I have something to knock down your throat!" CRACKA EAZY E makes sure I get to hear the "NWO Monday Nitro" theme one more time as he comes out with the NEW BLOOD ORDER. CHRIS CANDIDO is sent off first. Bloc, right, block, right, right, into the ropes is reveresed, under, belly-to-belly overhead suplex, Nash watching on a monitor in the back, Candido put on top, belly-to-belly overhead superplex, cover, referee "Blind" Jamie Techer counts 1, 2, 3. (:28) As the count finishes, PERFECTSHAWN (Hey, anybody seen Curt Hennig lately? Remember him - the basis for this gimmick we're watching?) hits the ring and stomps away. Well, at least he got a BIT of offense. Head to the buckle, repeated rights, into the opposite corner, Steiner puts a boot up, belly-to-belly suplex, 1, 2, 3. (:54) THE EVENT CHUCK PALUMBO swings the Lex flexor - three times - clothesline with it. We check Nash - he's concerned - he's standing up (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) - he's...DRAMATIC!! No...he sits down. Midajah caught in a splash attempt (missed by the commentators, despite the fact that they're right in front of the ring) but before he can do something to her, Steiner Golotas him. Steiner Recliner. Palumbo gives it up. (1:30) Steiner can beat BOTH tag champs in ninety seconds, yet GI Bro and Captain Rection....oh my head hurts. NEW GODFATHER OF SOUL tries a scarf choke - Steiner 180's - belly-to-belly overhead suplex, Steiner Recliner. Cat won't give up as AWESOME MULLET clotheslines out of the corner. SHANE DOUGLAS with a snapmare. They both put him in the corner and wail away - again Nash stands up - he backs out...he's going to the ring - oh, no he's kabong'd by Jeff Jarrett. "See ya in Baltimore, Big Sexy!" Meanwhile, in the ring, Steiner has managed to turn the tide against Douglas and Awesome as Cat continues to act stunned in the corner. RICK WOOF WOOF & JOBBED TO DAVID ARQUETTE come in to join the fray as Techer decides to call for the million bells (relaxed DQ? 2:57) HAND OF STONE! Rick Steiner produces a straitjacket - see, 'cause it's the Asylum, and...whew. Abbott's got a body bag as well. Steiner is loaded into it...but the music fires up and COLD BEER trots...okay, jogs to the ring...the six members of the New Blood sextuple team Goldberg while Steiner and Abbott drag the body bag away. Goldberg does the always impressive "I pop up really quick and you all scatter in different directions" spot. Now it's Black Ninja attack style time! One by one everybody leaves the ring involuntarily. As Goldberg's music plays again, CRACKA EAZY E is back, leading out the COPS. "Oh, Billy!! Consider yourself under arrest! As the dozen cops advance, Goldberg stands in the ring...

Oh, we're done. Sorry.