|Guest columnist: Dartmouth Dan Doomsday|
Hi! I'm Dartmouth Dan Doomsday. You may know me from the Rant Crew, or
from [slash] Wrestling. You might even know me from Showstoppas.com,
2dope, or Pro Wrestling Angle. I've been in this columnist thing for
about a year and a half. I'm always on the lookout for advancement, and
Rantsylvania has been one of my target sites. Of course, I'm somewhat
hampered by the fact that I made the mistake of trying to feud with Sean
Shannon for a while, and he has yet to forgive me, and I've tried getting
a hold of him by phone. Scott Keith doesn't seem to mind me, though.
Anyhoo, ever since Bob Morris threatened to quit his Nitro recap should Hulk Hogan regain the WCW title, I've been campaigning to be his replacement. This is a part of that campaign. Jeff McGinnis is away this week and unable to do his Thunder recap. I'm attempting to step in, do this recap in his absence, and get into the good graces of Scott, Sean, and you, the Rantsylvania readers by recapping this week's Thunder. Let's see how it works, shall we?
WCW Logo: I won't make fun of it, because I don't mind it. Besides, CRZ and Hyatte made all the good jokes already.
NITRO HIGHLIGHTS: Horace gets his ass kicked by Goldberg, GI Bro becomes Booker T again, Nash kicks the crap out of Cat, but has to go through Goldy to get Hall's contract...you get the idea.
Intro, which I haven't watched in a while.
According to Tony, this is the only place to be on a Wednesday night. Unless, of course, you already saw the show on Tuesday at the tapings.
The highlight package shows us that Tank Abbott lost focus on Monday and cost Rick Steiner the match against the most undeserving tag team champions ever, so tonight we get...
Dogface vs. Tank Abbott: Rick gets on the mic and complains about the match on Monday and then delivers his lame catchphrase. Tank's trunks don't work. Take down into matwork by Tank, into a leglock. Break in the ropes. Into the corner, and now Steiner's on top on the mat. Abbott counters with a bodyscissor into a cross-armbreaker. Back on their feet and a staredown, followed by brawling, then another Steiner takedown. Abbott using the bodyscissor to break. Headlock takedown by Abbott. Pin attempt, Steiner rolls out, back to their feet, the KILLER LEFT HE STOLE FROM JOHNNY B. BADD. Abbott kills time, Steiner back up, and a big suplex. Punches, then a headlock takedown. Second rope, no, top rope, bulldog, and Steiner picks up the win. I don't have much to complain about.
Go to Ixnay Tenay, Slim Next to Mark Madden Tony, and I Am Weasel. Tonight, the Cat's in charge again. No R&B makes Doomsday a happy boy. Three Count debuts their new single. Plus Lance Storm, Vampiro, Dale Torborg, Asya, and other assorted stuff. It's so annoying to watch Heenan now that he has no heel persona whatsoever. He used to be the man. Wait, Tank is beating up a fan, and ripping off his shirt. Okay, and now the fan's getting arrested because Tank pulled him over the guardrail. Hey, makes more sense than most of Russo's booking.
-Here comes a white limo, containing Jarrett, Commisioner Cat, and Mike Awesome. They disagree about something, and Cat takes advice from the limo driver.
-Commercials, with a surprising lack of WCW shilling.
-The Worst Tag Champs Ever are in the production truck, planning a trick on someone. Perfectshawn takes Penzer off his feet by accidentally hitting the Kane pyro. What the Kane pyro is doing on a WCW ring, I have no idea. Well, Booker T used to be called Kane...hmmmm....
Here come Jeff Jarrett, Commissioner Cat, and Mike Awesome. Sign: "We came to outdance the Cat." Jarrett is the Chosen One and the best damn WCW champ ever, in case anyone forgot. Noone has been able to keep him down (other than Arquette, or DDP), the Slapnuts shirt is the fastest-selling shirt (YEAH RIGHT), Hogan's gone, but if he healed, he'd get his shot at Bash at the Beach. Hey, I'm game. Maybe he'll win and I'll get the Nitro recap. Jarrett's going to find the most disgusting lady he can, bring her to ringside, and let her straddle Hogan and sing. Wow, that's not a bad use of the "fat lady singing" saying. Awesome wants the fans to shut up and let him talk. Bash at the Beach, Scott Steiner's one weakness is his back, which will feel like a bowl of Rice Krispies after Awesome hits a table bomb. Now Cat wants our attention to speak on behalf of Goldberg. He has big plans for Scott Hall's contract. Cat has big plans for the show tonight. He has a great idea, and he tells us so about a thousand times. Main event for tonight: Awesome and Jarrett against Nash and Steiner. And now the Cat dances, and Awesome and Jarrett leave.
Backstage, Chief Hugh G. Rection preps the Misfits for tonight's three way mixed tag: Lt. Loco and Maj. Gunns will be there, and the no-interference rule is still in effect, which must mean clean endings again (YES!). Eyes front, chest out, and Cajun is out looking at Gunns' chest. Cute bit.
We're back, just in time to see Johnny the Bull getting hit with a trash can by Terry Funk. And there's a kick in the nuts. Apparently, this is some sort of training regimen. Oh, Terry's wearing his Funk U. shirt, so he's teaching Johnny.
Recap of the cruiserweight three-way, and the subsequent catfight. I guess that means that this match will be...
Rey Misterio and Tygress (w/ the Filthy Animals) vs. Cruiserweight Champ Lt. Loco and Major Gunns (with the MIA) vs. The Artist and Paisley (with really bad entrance music): I have to say, I really don't see why the Artist has a slow entrance theme. It's not that it's a bad song, just that it's very laidback, which doesn't work for wrestling. Gunns and Tygress will start it out...no Rey and Gunns. Gunns slaps Rey, then kicks him down low, Loco in, T-bone suplex, somerasault clothesline. Paisley in against Loco, now Tygress vs. Paisley. Hair takedowns by Tygress. Whip into the corner, Artist holds Tygess, but Tygress fights out, only to get a scoop slam from Paisley. Lame avalanche attempt misses, and Rey's back in. Rey clocks Artist, and a bronco on Paisley...no, Artist pulls her out. Now Artist in with Rey. headscissors by Rey, and a tag to Loco. Top rope attack, back bodydrop, dropkick. Punches in the corner, and Paisley tries to help. She gets thrown for her trouble, but the Artist hits his lame-ass jumping DDT that never hits for the win. The Favorite Son of Calgary [dramatic pause] Alberta Canada Lance Storm is out, and he's cleaning house, mostly on the Artist. Artist counters with a Papoose to Go, but Storm toughs his way through it, then hits a plancha on everyone. Storm leaves through the crowd. I dig Storm.
Torborg's looking for Asya. He finds an earring. I don't know, I don't care.
The same dumb Jimmy Baron spot that we've seen about 5000 times by now. Nitro's in Des Moine. If it were RAW, it would have sold out in 20 minutes.
Vampiro is out with pyro. He's a scary dude, but Dale "The Demon" Torborg is not so much scared as he is pissed, and they're fighting in the aisle. Torborg has his way with Vamp, until Vamp shows Torborg the other earring. See, continuity and everything. Even with dumb shit like this, the new bookers are better than Russo. Vamp has the mic, and he's the only one who knows where Asya is. Vamp likes Dale because he's a twisted freak like Vamp. The big difference is that Vamp can't turn it off, and that Vamp is ripping off Raven's corner pose. He wants Dale to "embrace the Demon." He wants to make a deal: Dale can see Asya if does everything that she did in the last few days. If Dale touches Vamp, he'll never see Asya again. You know what? I've seen worse. Like the original plan for the Vamp-Demon angle, as told by Gene Simmons in an interview for Metal Edge.
Cat thinks Vamp is sick, and Shane Douglas agrees. But Shane wants a favor. He wants to help with the ratings, by booking Bam Bam and Candido against the Franchise. Cat takes credit for Shane's idea, then books the match.
Commercial break, including an ad for Rocky and Bullwinkle.
Dale and Vamp are leaving the arena, and Dale's driving. Hey, they didn't buckle up!!
The announcers have a memo from the Cat. Hardcore matches must now start in the back and end in the ring. And Tony and Mike should be more like Heenan. How about the old Heenan? Whoops, we're in the back, and it's time for:
HARDCORE TITLE MATCH - Hardcore Champion Big Vito vs. the Wall: brawling to start, like that surprises someone. Weapons of choice include a cooler and a kendo stick. Making their way out to the crowd, and we see a cart, a trash can, and more brawling. Funk and Johnny watch backstage. Wall whips Vito into the railing then brings him up the aisle, with a few more rail shots along the way. And here's a crutch shot from the Wall. I don't know about this new hardcore concept. I guess it stops the fans from feeling cheated when the Hardcore matches end up in the back. Vito dominates in the ring, including an inventive spot where he places a trash can lid over Wall's groin area, then smacks it with a baseball bat. Vito goes for a table sets it up, then gets slammed on the mat by the Wall, who then goes for a table of his own, and sets it up outside. Wall goes for a chokeslam, but Vito hits him with another kendo stick. Wall with a big boot, and he wants to put vito through the outside table. Vito has his own plans, which include a ballshot and a powerbomb through the inside table. That gets 3. Wall gets up, and Vito clocks him with the belt. I still haven't seen anything all that terrible, unless you count the guy on Ripley's who eats metal and glass.
Security knocks on Goldberg's door, but Bill tells the rent-a-cops that he comes out when he's good and ready. And he's on his way to the ring.
Replay of Goldberg's squash of Horace on Monday, and his battle with Kevin Nash. And here's the big lug out to talk. This music really doesn't work for him as a heel. Then again, nothing about this heel turn works, but you probably already knew that. Goldy knows Big Kev isn't around tonight, but he wants Nash to listen anyway, and figure out how serious Bill is. Looks like Bill doesn't like Nash's attitude. The only person Goldberg hates more is Scott Hall. Hall has been nothing but a cancer since his first day at WCW. It took every ounce of professionalism for Goldy not to haul off and kick Scott's ass. So it's Hall's fault that Goldberg got 196 stitches...wait, that's Russo's fault, at least in the real world...Goldberg is Hall's judge/jury/executioner as soon as Scott returns from his injury/crisis du jour. More trash talk for Nash re their date July 9 at Bash at the Beach.
Backstage Chris Candido and Bam Bam Bigelow are talking. Franchise relates the events of his meeting with Cat. Tonight, the other 2/3 of the newly reformed Triple Threat are going to soften Bagwell up for his match with Shane at Bash at the Beach.
Commercials. It's been over an hour, and I haven't found anything particularly offensive. Maybe this'll be alright. Now all I need is the Hogan title victory.
Goldberg has left the building, for no apparent reason. At least, there was no apparent reason to see him get in his limo. Except that Big Useless and Sc ott Steiner pull up in an Expedition with Whichever Hooch Didn't Get Fired. Goldberg ain't leaving just yet. I take back my previous comment about Goldberg and his limo.
Replay of the Buff-Franchise situation, which means that it's time for...
Buff Bagwell vs. Chris Candido and Bam Bam Bigelow in a handicap match: Stasiak and Palumbo are still in the truck, and they play with Buff's pyro. Candido hits a suplex to open up. Bagwell comes back with two dropkicks and a neckbreaker, plus one more neckbreaker for Bam Bam. The heels regroup, and Bam Bam gets a tag. Corner brawling, and Bam Bam takes over with a clothesline and two headbutts. Bam Bam gets decent heat by mocking Buff, until Buff trips him up. A knee to the back by Candido prevents any further Bagwell offense, however, and leads nicely into a Samoan drop for two. Candido is in with a sleeper, which Buff breaks up before falling down and becoming the victim of choking and other assorted violence by Candido. Bam Bam back in for a double avlanche in the corner. Bigelow going to the top, Candido up top. Both headbutts miss, and Candido's wasn't even close. Buff's cleaning house, but makes the mistake of going for corner punches on Bam Bam, which allows Candido to double team. Miscommunication leads to Candido taking the Blockbuster. Bam Bam breaks up the count, then gets hit with a DDT, but THAT count is broken up by Candido, who accidentally splashes Bam Bam. Buff goes up for another Blockbuster, but The Franchise Shane Douglas is out with a steel pipe to the back, which the ref doesn't see, allowing Bam Bam to hit the Greetings From Asbury Park for the win.
Backstage, we see that all is not well between David Flair and Daffney Unger. I don't care.
Commercial break sees me actively take offense for the first time all night: David Arquette in another 1-800-CALL-ATT commercial. I don't want him anywhere near WCW ever again, OK?
WCW Motorsports bullshit that I really don't care about. Blaze Alexander ran into bad luck, but managed to finish the race. As part of his supposed push, Vampiro will have his paint scheme on the car this weekend. Will Dale Torborg drive THAT for Vampiro, too?
David and Daffney fight some more. Then Dave says that Daffney is the only girl he loves. They somehow try to connect this to Dave's dad, who always had much better taste in women.
And we're back out to ringside, with Diamond DallChris Kanyon on his way out to the ring. He wants to teach us how to be "positive." He wants to read to us from his new book, which will be made into a Harvey Keitel movie. This segment is stupid. Kanyon reads, no one cares. THIS is painful. He's annoying the crowd, though, and that IS his job, so it might be excusable. But the entrance of Booker "Call Me Mister, Because I Pity the Fool Who Messes With Me" T is way too late here. He finally comes out with his old Harlem Heat music. Right, right, clothesline, and assorted punches and kicks in the corner. Heenan tries to regain some of his old heel self as Booker hits another clothesline. Kanyon takes over with an eye rake and some turnbuckle shots. So much for the "Innovator of Offense." Booker hits a boot in the corner, then sets up for the Harlem Sidekick. Kanyon ducks and clocks Booker with, of all things, a book. Heh heh. Kanyon then reveals that there was a brick in the book.
David Flair has Daffney wait in the car, then rips off the tech guy's toupee as Stasiak and Palumbo laugh. Whatever.
Cat is unhappy that Shane interfered in the match. So unhappy, in fact, that Shane is now fired, unless of course, he takes a handicap match against Kronykk.
Stasiak and Palumbo are amused about something. Oh yeah, Tech Boy's toupee. He leaves, then locks the morons in the truck.
Back to the ring and here's 3Count, ready to perform their new single. They dance and lip sync all that stuff. The boys in the back hate it. But Tank Abbott likes it. Tank's getting into the groove. The song is all about how they like all the teenybopper acts that they're ripping off. This abomination is finally ended by Kronykk. The kids try their best to fend the pot smokers off, but to no avail. Tank is pissed because he wanted to hear more of the song, I don't want to know. Back in the ring, Adams and Clark dominate with assorted power moves. Evan Karagias takes High Times, and that ends the release party. Adams makes assorted pot references, with the general idea being to hasten the beginning of...
The Franchise Shane Douglas vs. Bryan Adams vs. Brian Clark: Shane is reluctant to get in the ring. And Shane's walking away, until Buff Bagwell comes back and throws Shane to the wolves. Adams and Clark dominate with various power moves. Kronykk tease a fight after some miscommunication, but shrug it off, then give Douglas the High Times. Adams covers for the pin. But wait! Tweedledum and Tweedledumber are still in the production truck, and they replace Kronykk's theme with the "Leave it to Beaver" ripoff that was Booker T's music during that stupid "copyright" angle. Adams and Clark are not amused, and they make their way back to the truck. The champs try to leave, but they're locked in. Uh oh.
Kronykk meets up with Tech Boy, who unlocks the truck, allowing the potsmokers to get their hands on Stasiak and Palumbo. And that's a shitkicking of the first order.
Dale and Vampiro arrive at the beach...or something. Torborg wants to know where Asya is. Vamp directs him to a casket. Dale goes to open it up, and Vamp hits him with a shovel. OK, here's Asya, and she goes to tend to Dale.
And now, Jeff Jarrett and Mike Awesome are...wait, this is Rantsylvania, I can't use a CRZ phrase. You get the idea. The main event is NEXT!!
Replay of the finish of the Steiner-Jarrett match from Nitro. This leads us to.....
Main Event: WCW Champion Jeff Jarrett (Ain't he Great) and Mike Awesome vs. Big Useless and United States Champion Scott Steiner (with the Hooch That Still Has a Job): Jarrett and Awesome get separate entrances, and Jeff enters first. Is there a rule about champs entering first in tag matches? And now the Cat is out to dance, and do commentary. Heenan plans on referring to Cat as "Bossman." Uh, somehow, I don't think that works. Steiner and Jarrett start. Jarrett with assorted fisticuffs. Steiner responds in kind. Chop (whoo!), whip, tilt-a-whirl slam, and pushups. Nash in, and he catches JArrett, but Jarrett reverses snake eyes, and goes to the corner punches. Double axe is countered into a chokeslam for 2. Boot choke in the corner. Awesome interferes then takes a tag. Flying clothesline and big splash get 2. Kicks by Awesome, whip reversed, clothesline in the corner. Tag to Steiner. Chop (whoo!), chop (whoo!), whip, reverse, knee to the back. Awesome with a sidewalk slam and a pin attempt for 2. Boots are put to Steiner, and now Jarrett's in, to make a painful miss of the Bossman sit. Awesome nails Steiner, so we get a race to tag, won by Jarrett, who helps keep Steiner from tagging. Nonetheless, we get a Pier Four, which leads to Nash and Awesome on the outside, allowing Steiner to hit a press slam and powerbomb for the win. Postmatch extracirriculars see Steiner hit the Recliner, Cat order a break, Nash clothesline Cat. Awesome beat up Steiner, Steiner beat up Awesome, Jarrett save Awesome, Awesome frogsplash Steiner, and a 3-on-1, but Nash breaks that up with assorted big boots. Play the Wolfpack music...No, make that Goldberg's music, and Goldberg is out with Scott Hall's contract. He says, "My time" a lot. Uh, no, Bill. That would be the guy you called out at the Marketing Expo. Anyway, there's the credits, and we're outta here.
The Bottom Line: Say what you will. There was very little on this show that actively sucked. That's a good thing. Stay home, Russo, we're doing fine without you. Match of the night honors go to Rick Steiner and Tank Abbott. It wasn't that great a match, but it was something different. I appreciate that. I also appreciate the opportunity to recap this here Thunder show for y'all. With any luck, I'll get more opportunities like it in the future. Send any feedback to email@example.com, and be sure to check out my column, The Device, in the Rant Crew, on [slash] wrestling, or on any of the other sites I named up top. Until next time, this is Dartmouth Dan Doomsday, thanking you for reading, because READING IS FUNDAMENTAL!! Goodnight, everybody!