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/12 July 2000

WCW Thunder




Take my WCW logo - please

TV-PG-DLV Nitro highlight package

Following the clip of Jarrett pinning Kanyon to score the world title shot, we see Kanyon and Smooth watching a monitor. Kanyon says "bro" a lot and complains, while Smooth is ready to whisper a plan in his ear - and say "smooth" a lot.

Opening Credits

Let it roll - PYRO welcomes you to the North Charleston Colesium in Charleston, SC 12.7.2K (taped 11.7) - it's Thunder!

Your hosts are TONY SCHIAVONE and BOBBY HEENAN. Mike Tenay is noticably absent, and later tonight, you'll see why when the tape of his interview with Scott Steiner is played...

3 COUNT & JOBBED TO DAVID ARQUETTE v. JUNG DRAGONS & GREAT MUTA - Abbott's music leads out the first group - looks like he's got something to say. "Cut the music! You know, during my boys' proudest moment they were jumped from behind. Now, if that's not bad, what makes it worse - they robbed you and me from them performing. Well, that ain't gonna happen again. I'll tell you why. I got my square tucked under the ring right here. I'm gonna place it right down there and I'm gonna face the stage, and no one's comin' out. Moo-ta - Dragons - I'm gonna issue a warning to ya. You suck, they do not suck. We own you. Tank and 3 Count own you. WE'LL decide when and where we'll get to you. Well let's get to business now - I don't wanna do that anymore, Big Daddy wants to party. Do you guys want the best? DO YOU WANT THE BEST! I will give you the best band in rock and roll history - I give you 3 Count!" "Sing Along with 3 Count" starts up, and if you've got ANY kind of sense at all, you've already predicted that the Dragons come out through the crowd and punk out 3 Count behind Abbott's back - and you'd be right. Abbott turns to face the ring and watches all this - it's almost as if he's *rooted to the spot* - which, of course, must mean we're waiting for Muta to punk HIM out while his back's turned. Crazy 8-man action has Heenan busting out his "I'll give you a MILLION dollars if you can tell me who's legal" bit - a classic. Muta breaks out his dragon screw legwhip - Karagias almost sells it correctly, while Helms totally botches it. Muta spews the green mist, but Abbott blocks it with a green circle - then whacks Muta in the back with it. Yang over with a dropkick - climbing backflip kick - then walks right into the right hand of stone. Oops. Abbott leaves the ring while Helms covers Yang. (2:12) Abbott walks off with his square while 3 Count limps away. Replay of the spit and the hand of stone. Muta makes the cool Muta face and V-neck. He's got a real Bob Holly combover thing going.

In the Cat's office, Kanyon offers Cat a free copy of his book. By the way, can he get a match with Jarrett tonight? Cat says he already booked him with Buff, but perhaps he's not here tonight - if he signs the book, he'll make the match. Apparently, this is real smooth.

The Misfits in Action huddle up. Tonight Stash gets Demon - off he goes. Loco is "on standby." Before we find out what Cajun, Rection and Gunns get to do, Perfect Event appear and punk out the men with Lex Flexors. Then Palumbo hands his flexor to Gunns so she can hit him in the balls with near as I can tell. WHY would he do that? Stasiak laughs at him, so she KICKS him in the balls.

STEVIE RAY has joined the commentators at ringside. "My brother's a man now." The whole family is brought closer together from this. Sounds like he's gonna stay a while. I hope we don't regret this later...

DEMON (with Jobbin' Vampiro) v. MAJ. STASH - Vampiro's music hits - Vampiro makes the "cut the music" sign a hundred times or so - then points to the sarcophagus where Demon emerges, and "God of Thunder" plays. Let Us Take You Back to Nitro. Nitro reminder - Monday, "Nuremberg" Part 2; Tuesday, Nitro. Guy walking by with a sign is pixellated. Stevie Ray is almost immediately ready to pick up his "Worst Colour Commentator of the Year" award; it's waiting at the front. Demon hits his "Beth" for the pin in the blink of an eye (1:45), and it's nice to see he hasn't caught the jobbing disease while under Vampiro's spell just yet. After the match, the lights flicker eerily and SOME GUY stands on the Thundervision with black face mask and goggles - and points his bat at them.

Backstage, Lance Storm and Billy Kidman are WALKING! Kidman asks Storm if he's gonna have 'em play that anthem again, and Storm reminds him that he *is* from Calgary, (pause) Alberta, Canada. Then Kanyon delivers the Kanyon cutter to a nearby security guard and says BANG!

David Flair complains about his new suit - Miss Hancock tells him that if he wants to be her man, she'll dress the part. Flair: "I'll do ANYTHING to you!" Hancock: (brightly) "I know!"

BILLY KIDMAN & LANCE STORM v. MARK JINDRAK & SEAN O'HAIRE - Kidman goes through entire comedy routine during the Canadian national anthem - reading a paper, rabbit ears behind Storm, a little softshoe, feeding the USA chant. Anthem takes (1:15). Storm immediately double clotheslines Jindrak & O'Haire off the apron to the floor - Kidman and Storm out as a team - double baseball slide dropkicks miss. Both men pressed back into the ring by the Newbies. In the ring - Storm & Kidman rush them and get pressed and dropped AGAIN. Kidman clotheslined out - Storm dropkicked off the ropes for 2. Kidman makes the blind tag and tornado bulldogs one of 'em for 2. I don't even think the commentators can tell Jindrak & O'Haire apart, since they never identify one or the other separately. Instead, they spend a lot of time talking about what a great trainer Paul Orndorff is, with Stevie Ray reminding us that he's a tag team specialist. And all of a sudden, O'Haire is hitting his Seantonbomb on Kidman and pinning him and it's over (2:02). --the hell? These two power plant guys just defeated...oh well, whatever. Post-match, Storm helps up Kidman - then superkicks him. "He's not from Calgary, (pause) Albert, Canada!"

Vampiro tells Demon that the bowels of the building are the place to grow. He also says if Sting shows up on Monday, he'll rip off the ski mask. I guess ol' Vampiro didn't get the big memo reminding everybody that Monday, TNT will air Part 2 of "Nuremburg," and ripping the ski mask off THAT day won't really shock ANYBODY - since they won't see it. I guess, in a sense, Vampiro just jobbed to the pre-emption announcement.

Jimmy Barron phones it in with 1-800-CAL-LATT - TUESDAY Nitro! Tuesday!

GENE O. works tonight! Big Vito tells us he's the "hardest hard-working hardcore champion" ever.

While Vito continues to talk, Miss Hancock tells David she wants some gold to go along with her ring...that hardcore belt would do. "If you cared about me, you'd go get that belt right now." "Okay, hang on a minute."

Back to Vito, who asks Okerlund if he got those "championship canolis" from his mother. Flair appears and punks him out...Okerlund goes on one of his very special "swearing tirades," and actually gets muted at one point. Anyway, we're on to...

BIG VITO v. DAVID FLAIR for the world hardcore championship - Billy Silverman calls for the bell, but it doesn't actually ring until thirty seconds later. Standard "hardcore" fare punctuated by a LENNY LANE appearance out in the crowd. Here comes MISS HANCOCK as Vito breaks up a figure four with his kendo stick (correctly identified by Stevie Ray after Schiavone hazards "stickball stick"), then repeatedly smites him. Nice almost-brainbuster suplex, Savage elbow. Hancock up on the apron - Vito over to steal him a kiss - she must have bitten him because he pulls up spitting. Back to Flair - stomp, stomp, stomp, pylon in the crotch, whack, Vito out for the table, this match will never end, Ray says "This has gotta be a guy thing" like he's not a guy. DDT through the table for the pin (4:44). Ray: "he coulda had this match won five, ten minutes ago." See, I'm not the ONLY guy that felt like this match took forever...

Jeff Jarrett interrupts Cat's phone call to James Brown. "Buff ain't here, I ain't workin' tonight." Cat says he's booked with Kanyon, and if he loses, he also loses his title shot at New Blood Rising. Jarrett bitches a bit more and takes off.

Earlier Today, the Perfect Event practiced their posedown in the ring. Then, Kanyon entered the ring and Kanyon cutter'd a member of the ring crew. Then, he said "BANG!"

PERFECT EVENT (with Nitro Reminder #2) v. CPL. CAJUN & GEN. RECTION (with Major Gunns) - The champs don't seem to have their poses synchronised yet. Stevie Ray: "This ain't Romper Room, this ain't Tiddlywinks!" I'd give *anything* to hear him say "froot booty" just one more time. Either that, or have him take off and never sit at the commentary table again. Either of those things. "Now we cookin' baby!" Heenan mocks Stevie Ray AND Stuart Scott with "He must be butter, baby, 'cause he's on a roll" and I'm wondering where exactly we've travelled to end up in this other world where they don't even BOTHER to put on a show worth watching. Let's flash to Rection climbing the ropes for the moonsault - Palumbo tries to hold his ankle, Cajun over to beat HIM off, but it was long enough for Stasiak to sneak in and powerbomb him off the second rope (yikes!) for ... 2?? No way. Tag to Palumbo - Rection ducks and powerslams. Hot tag to Cajun - missile dropkick, Bayou Blues sequence, cover....2. Palumbo punches back up - scoop - Cajun slips it - gutshot, Whiplash 2000 - 1, 2, Stasiak breaks it up. Right by Stasiak, right, right, into the ropes, tilt-a-whirl...Cajun with a head scissors to take him outside. Tag, suplex by Cajun, Savage elbow by Rection - 2. He's gonna try for No Laughing Matter again - hit it. 1, 2, Stasiak hits referee "Blind" Charles Robinson with the Lex flexor. Cajun dropkicks Stasiak and picks up the flexor...Robinson gets up, sees Cajun holding the flexor and rings the bell (DQ 6:58), giving the match to Perfect Event. Never mind that it makes NO sense that he'd whack him while his partner was getting the pinfall, nor that I feel like a REAL chump, and I only did a couple minutes of play-by-play. Stevie Ray: "Now what does this froot--" and he catches himself. Aww, c'mon! LET THE MAN SAY HIS DAMN CATCHPHRASE!

Booker T. is WALKING!

BOOKA T. (with TV-PG-DLV ratings box) is out to say a few words. Here's some stills from Bash at the Beach while we wait for him to get there. Here's some clips from Nitro; that's a long aisle. "Everybody in here know who I am. I am Booker T. - WCW World's Heavyweight champion. It's a good thing, it's a g- I love you too, baby, I love you too. Let's talk about a little somethin'. (We look backstage to see Mike Awesome watching on a monitor.) I just found out that I have to defend the heavyweight championship belt at the next pay-per-view, against Jeff Jarrett - New Blood Rising. You know, Jeff, you a great technical wrestler, you have great skills, but Jeff Jarrett, as a man, you suck. Make no mistake, I will not underestimate you, I will take you straight to hell and back before I give up my world's heavyweight title. And oh yes, I know like I said, there's a lot o' playa hatas in the back lining up for a shot at this title - lining up like crazy - but I tell you this. Each and every one of you guys who want a shot at this title - you will get your shot. I will not be duckin' nobody! I will not defend this title every three months, I will defend this title each and every week for each and every one of my fans in this arena. But last but not least, Scott Steiner - after what you did on Nitro, you wanna run up on me from the backstage? You wanna brush up on my wife? Sucka I will KILL you! You're cryin' and moanin' about you want a title shot, you're cryin' and moanin' about you should have a belt. I tell you this, Scott Steiner: save the drama fer yo momma. And I tell you this, and make no mistake about it, and I said it once and I'll say it again: don't hate the playa...hate the game." Crowd actually chants "hate the game," so I guess he's got a catchphrase now. RICK WOOF WOOF comes out with different music. "Hey, I just wanna talk to ya, Booker. I know it's been a long, hard eight years. Some of those I been on the same side with ya, sometimes we had our differences, but what my brother did to ya last Monday was wrong. So maybe you can understand why I'm out here tonight. You've got a brother, I got a brother. I've had to go behind my brother and clean up his crap all my life - his bad attitude, the way he treats people. So the reason I came down in front of all these people in South Carolina (crowd: "he said the name of our state!") is to rectify the Steiner name, but also elevate Booker T. as the world heavyweight champion. Watching you and your brother get back together Monday, I sat my brother down. I am his older brother and he listens to me, or I WILL beat his ass. So maybe someday him and I'll be on the same page, but tonight, I just wanna congratulate you and wish you the best of luck as world heavyweight champion." Steiner offers the Hand of Friendship - T regards it with suspicion...but takes it. Steiner raises his arm...and leaves! Can you believe he didn't punk him out or NOTHIN'? Well, you silly bastard, of COURSE he turned back and delivered a Steinerline. Punches are exchanged - Steinerline again. Steiner waffles him with the belt as Stevie Ray leaves the table and punches out Steiner. Ray actually works over the SECURITY guys (albeit with really weak swings) as they hold him back, while Steiner puts on the title belt, then goes outside for a chair. AWESOME MULLET hits the ring and makes a save. "I'll be back!" Booker pulls himself up...and Awesome hands him his belt. THEY shake hands.

NEXT: Daffney applies some blue lipstick as Crowbar laces up. She really likes her Stuck Mojo shirt, but "do I look fat in this?" "Don't be ridiculous, Daffney, you look great." "Really?" "Daffney, you're really pretty." Thanks! "Let's go kick their butts. Haa!" Crowbar makes the "why didn't I tell her?" face.

Meanwhile, Franchise picks up Torrie Wilson from her makeup chair. "I'm not gonna break a nail, am I?" Franchise promises to take care of it all himself...

Promotional consideration paid for by Slim Jim (Savage), Judge Wapner's cash scam, Boston Market TV dinners, America (ha!) Online, and the kid who sees dead people on video

Cat tells Kidman (carrying a lead pipe) not to interfere in this next match. If he doesn't interfere, he'll give him Lance Storm tonight.

THE FRANCHISE & TORRIE SAMUDA v. CROWBAR & DAFFNEY - Let Us Take You Back to Monday where Crowbar felt the Franchiser. "You will sit down and pay attention to the greatest athlete in WCW history! Now WCW thinks they're gonna take us and this beautiful piece of woman and put her in a mixed tag team match. She is not a wrestler! And I can guarnatee you scumbags this. Nobody - not Daffney - not the Crowbar - and certainly none of you losers are gonna put a hand on this sweet thing, Miss Torrie Wilson, hahaha." "Sorry, Billy, sorry to all you chumps in the back, sorry to all you so-called men in the audience - I know you're all so jealous, but I'd just like to say I LOVE to get Franchised!" Crowbar hits a SWEET between-the-ropes dropkick to the floor. Back in the ring, off the ropes hiptoss/Falcon Arrow for 2. Tag to Daffney. Franchise isn't sure what to do - Daffney screams in his ear, then walks over to Torrie and slaps her. Torrie mouths "you bitch," then removes HER shoes to get in. Catfight! Catfight! Catfight! Referee "Blind" Charles Robinson pulls her off - hairpulls are still illegal? Who knew. Wilson quickly tags out. Franchise blocks the suplex attempt and hits his fishermanplex. Then he tags Wilson - she SPLASHES him, but he kicks out with authority at 2. Daffney screams, she backs into a grab by Crowbar - she tries to tag but apparently misses. Crowbar tags in Daffney. Hair beal - thanks, we needed at least one. There's another. Franchise tags her in the ass - got Daffney, who's perfecting her hair beal...oops, her trick knee just acted up. Daffney with a jawbreaker on Franchise! Tag to Crowbar - right, right, into the ropes, nice dropkick, Northern Lights suplex for 2. Scoop - and a slam. Going outside for a springboard splash. 1, 2, no. In the corner, chop, chop, right, right, Ten Punch Count Along - check that, Nine and a munch. Into the opposite corner, back elbow up by Douglas, Nitro Reminder #3, Crowbar ducks a punch, right, Mindbender, 1, 2, kickout! Well, maybe that wasn't the Mindbender. Quebrada misses - Franchise picks him up and drops him powerbomb style. Douglas just glares at him. Now they're going for another one (guess they flubbed the spot) - Crowbar breaks free (aha), comes off the ropes after his clothesline misses, there's the Franchiser - 1, 2, 3. (4:40) Post-match, Daffney gets a Gillooly with the lead pipe on Franchise, and goes up for the Frankenscreamer, but Franchise recovers, drops her and hits the Franchiser. Torrie gives the badmouth as well. Robinson plays white knight while Franchise plays innocent.

Backstage, Booker T. tells Cat he wants Steiner tonight - Cat says he can't do it, because he's already given him to Awesome.

Advance Auto Parts presents "This Week in WCW Motorsports!" Blaise Alexander brought the #81 Chevy to the Milwaukee Mile, where he got a "good top 20 finish." The crew chief breaks kayfabe by revealing they finished 18th. Next week: another report! The voiceover guy drops his voice a few octaves to express condolences for Kenny Irwin.

Exterior of the Colesium - where Kanyon is out Kanyon cutting another innocent victim. When will the madness end?

Time now for MIKE TENAY's sitdown with WHITE THUNDER, with MIDAJAH aside him. Now normally, I'd type five minute interview segments out for you, and I try to ALWAYS capture Steiner's wonderful turns of phrase, but since I'm obviously dogging it for Thunder this week, I'll shorten it to two obvious words: roid rage. Tenay starts by asking about Bash at the Beach, and Steiner pitches a fit about how he wants to only talk about the past. He doesn't give a (damn) about Scott Hall, and it felt good at the time, so he did it. I should note that although Steiner's first "damn" gets muted, the censor then apparently says "fuck it" and doesn't bother with the rest - although "piss" and "ass" still disappear. In a surreal moment, Steiner dusts off the old "it's not a huracanrana, it's a Frankensteiner" line and gets QUITE perturbed at Tenay's calling of the move as such. Tenay explains he was just trying to get over the luchadores - go figure, Steiner says he doesn't give a damn about luchadores. He's coming down to the desk next time Tenay calls it. As for Goldberg, he was too stupid to get into Michigan (opting for Georgia) so he couldn't just kick his (ass) ten years ago. No, he hates the fans (it's a shoot!) and he doesn't give a damn whether they cheer for him or not. The interview climaxes as Tenay asks Steiner if, just possibly, this bottled up hatred and anger has roots in his childhood. Stiener throats him, crushing his larynx before Midajah can convince him to leave him in a crumpled heap and walk off. "He didn't ask me the right questions!"

Promotional consideration paid for by Super Soaker, Corn Nuts, Motel 6 7/8, America (ha!) Online, and Boston Market TV dinners

Cat talks on his cel phone to James Brown - but starts hearing music. Kato 1, 2, and 3 spring from their hiding places, but Inspector Cat demolishes them. "I ain't got time to play!"

LANCE STORM v. BILLY KIDMAN - Kidman rushes Storm in mid-entrance. Heenan: "Everybody all over the country is talking about Lance Storm, from Calgary, Alberta, Canada - they're saying what a great wrestler this guy is." Stevie Ray: "Bobby, I have heard no one talk about Lance Storm." "Well, you haven't hung with me before." "Well Bobby, I am a professional wrestler, and I've been to dressing rooms and I get the emails from people - nobody's talking about this guy." "Well I go through airports and hotels and *I* hear about him." "Well, Lance Storm, regardless of how much you've heard about him, is - is a quality performer, there's no question." Can you BELIEVE they're giving this match away for free on Thunder so soon after Storm debuts? On the other hand, what the heck ELSE are you gonna do with him? On the other hand, can't you afford to give them more than three minutes so the chronicler will have a chance to put down at least ONE move before Kidman scores the win? (You Can't Powerbomb Kidman mere inches from a chair -> pin 2:56)

Outside the arena, Buff Bagwell FINALLY arrives. See, for us "insiders," this is a "rib" on Bagwell's "transportation" problems. The "car" is "driven" by his "mother," Judy. As Buff thanks her and leaves, Kanyon arrives. "Christopher! How ya doin'?" Kanyon says he'll get someone to park the car for her - why not come in with him? "What'cha been doin'?" "Come in and I'll show ya!" Kanyon gives a wink and a big grin to the camera...oh oh!

Close captioning where available made possible by Meineke!

When we come back, Judy Bagwell is laid out and attended to by EMT's, already in a neck brace. Buff happens by and wants to know what just happened.

RICK WOOF WOOF v. AWESOME MULLET - Let Us Take You Back to Earlier Tonight, where...well, I covered it earlier. "I'm the DFG! So if you want some, come get some! You don't like me, bite me." Wow, that's like a "greatest hits" promo for Steiner. Stevie Ray is all choked up with emotion and rooting for Awesome. Nice tope by Awesome. Steiner takes advantage of referee "Blind" Jamie Tucker's brief distraction by kicking Awesome in the nuts. Steiner: "Don't ever get in my matches again!" Umm, that wasn't a match earlier, Rick. We go to a long crowd shot for no apparent reason. Dueling German suplexes. Awesomebomb. I'm glossing, here (like you didn't notice). On the second rope - belly-to-belly superplex by Steiner...for 2. Steinerline. 1, 2, no. Steiner threatening Tucker, who bolts. Schoolboy by Awesome - 1, 2, 3. (4:15) Steiner unleashes some anger on Awesome until BOOKA T. comes out to save HIM. I think that Booker is the only person this crowd cares about tonight. Me too, for that matter. Steiner thinks about wielding a tripod...but decides to walk off instead.

NEXT: Kanyon is WALKING! And almost running out of room...

Meanwhile, Jeff Jarrett is WALKING!

Moments Ago...go go Booker T! Oh yeah, Booker T raised Mike Awesome's arm, too. Lookit Booker T, ALREADY giving a rub.

T joins the commentary team and says he might as well stick around for this match, as he has an interest in it.

JEDOUBLEF JADOUBLEREDOUBLET v. "POSITIVELY" KANYON - Booker T tells his brother to maintain, and no matter what happens, do NOT bust out "froot booty." Dammit, I've been waiting ALL night for "froot booty!" SAY IT! SAY "FROOT BOOTY!" (Visit after you're done over here) Let Us Take You Back To Monday And Show You How Jeff Jarrett Made As Average White Band And Won The Title Shot. Kanyon rips up a planted copy of "Positively Page" - random crowd members crumple up the thrown pages and then throw them into the ring - heh. I rather expect a Buff Bagwell run-in here, so that'll be my last excuse for sluffing off on calling a match tonight. Nitro Reminder #4, for good measure. Humourous segment has Stevie Ray explain to Tony Schiavone how he's a "thinking man's wrestler." This is actually a pretty good match going guilt catches up with me about five minutes in - Kanyon going for the loaded book - swing misses - Jarrett DDT's him ON THE BOOK - only 2?!? Damn. Jarrett with the gee-tar - referee "Blind" Billy Silverman wrestles it away from him, giving Kanyon the opportunity to swing with the loaded book - no, no, don't hook the NEAR leg, you idiot! You're only giving him the chance to use the FAR leg to catch the bottom rope...sure enough. That's only 2. Off the ropes, Kanyon ducks the clothesline and clotheslines Jarrett outside the ring. He follows. into the barricade is reversed. Jarrett shoves Stevie Ray - then clocks Jarrett with a right. He grabs Schiavone (huh?) and next thing you know there's a big ol' fracas going on at the commentary table. Meanwhile, BUFF DADDY BAGWELL *does* make his expected appareance and throw some shots Kanyon's way...back in the ring where Jarrett hits the Stroke and Silverman comes back in to count the pin. 1, 2, 3, thank God, credits, we're outta here. (7:10)

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Copyright (C) 1999, 2000 Christopher Robin Zimmerman & KZiM Communications