You are here

/2 August 2000

WCW Thunder




TASTELESS OBSERVATION FOLLOWS: Nice to see Apter back on WrestleLine - for months, it sure seemed like we'd never see anything from him unless one of his friends died - oh I'm ALREADY sorry I pointed that out, 'course I *did* warn ya



TV-PG-DLV - WCW logo - how it got in my pajamas, I'll never know

Hey! The opening credits are back! Boy, they've gotten a BIG overhaul... Out: Hogan, Luger, Bischoff and Russo (strangely enough), Hart, Page is almost completely gone...this is weird, no Scott Steiner in there, and finally Sid Vicious has disappeared. In: Cat, Guerrera, Vito, Jindrak & O'Haire, Perfect Event, Storm, Kronic, MIA, Kanyon, one shot of Tank Abbott, and a few others sneak into the final single-frame montage at the end. Holdovers from the last set of credits are Goldberg, Booker T, Rick Steiner, Billy Kidman, Jeff Jarrett, Buff Bagwell, Mike Awesome and (ugh) Kevin Nash. The one long shot of Sting has him with that stocking on his head...makes you wonder if maybe they'd planned to prolong that angle a bit more before hotshotting it on Monday...and FINALLY, not only did they take special pains to NOT remove the shot of Saturn from the final single-frame montage at the end, but SOMEBODY seems to have inserted a single frame of Chris Benoit - it's right after the frame that sees Major Gunns slapping referee David Flair. So, we can only conclude that whoever's putting these things together must really appreciate my in-depth opening credit analysis as well as having a mischevious sense of humour.

Here come the PYRO - we are on tape from Indiana State University in Terra Haute, IN 2.8.2K (taped 1.8) and let's get it started...

LANCE STORM hits the ring as the "iWatch Wednesday" logo appears in the upper righthand corner. I checked out the HyperTV software and found that they have no MacOS version, so screw 'em. If YOU did it, drop me a line and tell me how it was. "If I could be serious for a minute...I wanna welcome you all to the NEW WCW - the World Canadian Wrestling! This company has tried to keep me down, but I've risen above it - and brought honour and dignity to these titles! And like my first two championships, I'm going to rename the cruiserweight title, and I'm going to do it in accordance with the Canadian metric system. It will be now known as the Canadian 100 kilograms and under championship. It's not my fault you don't understand the metric system. It's not my fault the greatest wrestlers come from Canada. And it's not my fault that I'm the best technical wrestler on the face of the earth. Don't blame Canada...blame yourself." CAT's music brings out the Commish. By the way, 100 kilos is 220 pounds...I think. "First of all, you Canadian chump! Okay, since you such a bad man, I tell you what, why don't you put your title on the line tonight..." "Which one're we talkin'about, Cat? I gotta bunch of them." Cat and Storm work a "comedy" bit where Cat flubs all the new names of Storm's belts "You got the Canadian International House of Pancakes..." Anyway, Cat suggests he put all three of them on the line tonight. "The people here tonight wanna see title matches! And you gon' give them three title matches tonight against three different opponents!" Storm's opponents are announced as Juvi the Juice, Screamin' Norman Smiley...and for the US title, the Cat. "Now chump, I got one thing to say - I have spoken!" Storm goes to leave, but Cat tells him to "skitch yo' ass in the ring!" 'cause it starts now...

LANCE STORM (already in the ring) v. DE JUICE (with Raymond Stereo & Konnan & Disco Inferno & Tygryss) for the Canadian 100 kilo title - coming up tonight, a special interview with Vince Russo! Schiavone promises he DID ask him the tough questions - including what went down at Bash at the Beach. While Cat dances along to the Filthy Animals theme, Storm is over with referee "Blind" Billy Silverman brandishing a "Canadian rulebook." Ring announcer DAVID PENZER: "Ladies and gentlemen, according to Canadian rules, all matches in the 100 kilo and under division are to be contested in a scientific environment...which means, no other parties are the be present at ringside...therefoe the referee Billy Silverman has barred the Filthy Animals from ringside." Tony makes a rare appearance as his own man when he notes, "anybody with a computer and a printer can print a booklet inside of an hour!" Nonetheless, the Animals are shipped off. Storm attacks Guerrera, who is too busy watching his friends leave to remember not to turn his back to Storm. Backbreaker. Into the ropes, Guerrera up, dropkicking him on the way down. Spinning heel kick. Into the ropes is reversed, clothesline ducked, Storm's head down so Guerrera puts a knee over it - flying headscissor takeover. Storm goes for the eyepoke. Into the ropes, Guerrera holds on and pulls Storm into the Juvi Driver...but Storm rolls outside. Storm walks around ringside, trying to shake it off...but he eventually stops, and when he does, Guerrera is ready with a somersault plancha. Knife-edge chop. Storm rolled back in - Guerrera on tope...plancha misses when Storm ducks. Stomp, stomp, head to the buckle, into the ropes, Juvi slides under the punch, chop, chop, chop, off the ropes, flying headscissors. Running at Storm, Juvi gets dumped onto the apron - blocks a punch and hot shots him. Springs to the top rope - drops with a splash



...for 2. Storm put in the corner on the top buckle - right hand by Guerrera, now he's outside and climbing up top - on the shoulders, turning into the Frankensteiner - 1, 2, nope. Knife-edge chop, into the opposite corner, splash misses. Storm with a waistlock, Guerrera elbowing out, Storm ducks a clothesline and Guerrera ends up in a 360 and back to the waistlock. Storm tosses him backwards, but he lands on his feet! Guerrera with the body scissors, Storm pulls him up but Guerrera is still in control and switches to a Diamond Cutteralike! Both men are down. Guerrera up motioning to the crowd. He's going up for the 450...well, more like a 360, as he lands on his feet when Storm pops up out of the way. Each man ducks a clothesline. Storm has Guerrera in position for the suplex, but Juvi grapevines the leg to block the attempt. Again Storm tries, and again it's blocked. Guerrera with a Spicolli Driver (golly!) - that gets 2. JOHNNY ACE! Storm into the ropes, reversed, has him up for the powerbomb, Juvi spins around while on his shoulders, but Storm drops him down facefirst, holds onto the left leg and turns it for the half crab. Guerrera reaches for the ropes...and Storm pulls him back to the centre. Guerrera tries to hold on...but taps. (4:13)

Your hosts are TONY SCHIAVONE, MIKE TENAY & STEVIE RAY, who still has a nasty cut from Goldberg putting him through a window. Ray says he knows a lot of people were mad from his involvement last week, and he promises that he's going to stick strictly to commentating from now on per his contract.

Let Us Take You Back to Monday and show you some highlights. Several people wrote me asking why I didn't complain about Jeff Jarrett "lynching" Booker T at the end of the show last week - I guess my racism detector wasn't on, what can I say? In this clip from "after the end of the show," we see that Kronic came out to help out Sting and Booker T - including freeing T from that rope. This leads to a giant main event for tonight: Vampiro, Muta, Demon and Jarrett vs. Sting, Kronic and Booker T. T's knee really hurts, but he's still going to compete tonight.

Gen. Rection addresses the troops - several lines are supposed to be funny here, only they aren't. Example: Gunns: "Why you gotta be so hard on him?" Rection: "I saw it in a movie once." Anyway, tonight AWOL gets David Flair.

Meanwhile, Booker T is arriving - he's WALKING! - well, limping. Sure, if you make him WALK all the way from Cincinnati to Terra Haute - damn, give the man his BMW!

Backstage, Smooth hits up Skip Over - he's got some potential, but his name sucks.

DAVID FLAIR (with Miss Hancock & the iWatch logo) v. SGT. AWOL (with MIA sans Stash) - "Who would tag him with a name like that?" Stevie Ray wisely brings up that "M.I. Smooth" ain't such a hot name neither. Hancock: "All right - I've got a question for all you men out there. Do I look like the type of girl that wanna be rolling around in the mud with Major Gunns at New Blood Rising? Wrong answer, you sickos! I'm not some bimbo at the corner bar that takes a dollar to jump in mud, but...if I have to treat Major Gunns like the pig that SHE really is, so be it. Who knows? Maybe after I strip her of her camoflauge and throw her in that pit, maybe that mud will do something good for that nasty face of hers. So...hit my music!" Instead, they play "Not Edwin K. Starr" and out come the MIA. Flair runs into a bodyslam. Into the corner, Flair puts up a boot, chop, chop, chop, Stevie Ray calls Miss Hancock a "yak." Wow, they've swapped racism for sexism - BRAVO. Flair doing a Flair strut - then returning to a big boot from AWOL. Tossing him over the top rope to the floor as we see Gunns thinking about walking over to Hancock - who makes "strip club gun shootin'" pantomimes. When we look back at them, Flair has apparently gotten a shot in on AWOL, 'cause he's off finding a chair - AWOL punches the chair into his face as he returns. Now going under for the table. How come Stevie Ray can call a woman a "yak" but he can't say "froot booty?" Table set up in the ring - Flair with a head to the gut as he tries to come in - off the top rope, but caught in a choke. Chokeslam through the table. 1, 2, 3. (1:48)

Backstage, Siren's boyfriend asks her where she was on Monday. Fortunately, Franchise is conveniently nearby to stooge out Kidman. Oh, yeah - it'd help if I told you Siren was one of the three Nitro Grrls that took off with Viagra Boy last Monday. OK!

Meanwhile, Skip Over hands Terry Taylor a piece of paper. WOW!




Jeff Jarrett and Vampiro hobnob about the main event tonight - well, Jarrett talks about who should take out whom - Vampiro kinda broods. He's so MOODY when he's jobbing.

Meanwhile, Tank Abbott catches up to 3 Count and the iWatch logo and announces that last night, in the bar, he wrote a song. They gotta tape it now "while you still have the record contract. Let's go!" Karagias is on crutches....but he'll be just fine in eleven days, right?

BILLY KIDMAN (with Let Us Take You Back) v. "PRIMETIME PLAYER" ELIX SKIPPER - well, on the plus side, he's back to Elix Skipper - on the other hand... Kidman with a baseball slide dropkick to start - rolling him in, Skipper back with a forearm shot, then running Kidman along the apron to the top turnbuckle..but Kidman blocks and puts Skipper's head there instead. Kidman springs over the top rope and hits a headscissors takeover on his way in - nice. Clothesline ducked - Kidman with the backdrop suplex...well, turned into more of a slam halfway down. Into the ropes, reversed, clothesline ducked, crossbody block ducked as Skipper makes a nice bridge by bending backwards. WHOOOOOOOOSH 11 Days to the PPV. Kidman dumps Skipper over the top rope to the floor, but throats himself on the top rope at the same time. Skipper back in flipping over the top rope, twisting, feet on the shoulders of Kidman - headscissors takeover. Skipper to the top rope - but the axehandle fails when Kidman dropkicks him. And now FRANCHISE & TORRIE SAMUDA are out to take a look. Ray gets off a good line: "Tony, can I axe you somethin' - who was that guy with the ponytail - was that the Mongolian Stomper?" Into the ropes is reversed by Skipper, Kidman ducks under, Skipper tries a backdrop but Kidman slips out, there's a powerbomb for Kidman. Kidman looks to Franchise, referee "Blind" Jamie Tucker looks to Torrie, who has jumped up on the apron, and behind ALL this, RENO (Siren's boyfriend) appears in the ring, having run out through the crowd. Shot for Kidman from behind, there's a...hmmm, it starts like a Slop Drop, but he quickly swings around into a ...Stunner? "snap swinging three quarter nelson bulldog headlock?" I wish Hyatte were here - HE'D know what it was called. Anyway, Reno gets in fourteen consecutive punches before Franchise comes in and convinces him that that ref will be turning around any minute now. Franchise directs Skipper over to Kidman - Skipper hits his "Overdrive" and Tucker is over to count the pin. I wonder what the Cat thinks about this outside interference? (2:00)

Mike Awesome, after having, consultant...whisper in his ear, asks Cat what happens to his title shot if Cat wins tonight. Cat says he'll get his title shot at the pay-per-view no matter WHO the US Champion is. Happy with this response, Awesome and ...oh, her name is Heidi, okay...Heidi take off.

The 1-800-CAL-LATT Road Report sez: Nitro hits Denver on Monday!

Backstage, Franchise, Torrie and Reno are WALKING! Douglas tells Reno he's happy with how he performed out there and thanks him. Reno gives us the "don't thank me, thank YOU" bit and takes off. Continuing on, Franchise happens to brush shoulders with Judy Bagwell, who was walking (WALKING!) the other way. "Why don't you watch where you're going, you redneck ho?" Bagwell - get this - takes offense at "redneck." It's iWatch Wednesday, by the way. Anyway, before this discussion can get any MORE philosophical, Buff Bagwell flies in and attacks Franchise from behind. Let the brawl commence! Security breaks them up...

SHAWN STASIAK (with Chuck Palumbo) v. SEAN O'HAIRE (with Mark Jindrak) - Stasiak starts out - head to the turnbuckle. Palumbo (or is it Pauly Shore II?) takes fourth headset - Jindrak is over for fifth headset, but Palumbo breaks it, keeping him away from guest commentary. Aw, shucks. When we look back in the ring, O'Haire has kicked his way to the advantage. Off the ropes...Stasiak falls backwards and begs off. Referee "Blind" Mark Johnson, for some reason, stands in front of him and tells O'Haire to hold on. O'Haire gently nudges him aside...but goes down. Stasiak with five or six stomps. Right hand. O'Haire fires back, Stasiak rakes the face. Choke on the top rope. Palumbo: "Hey, Stevie Ray, you see that Harlem Heat sign?" Ray: "Where is it?" Palumbo: "I don't see it either." Clubbing forearm, stomp, sidewalk slam - 1, 2, nope. Stasiak puts him in the ropes, jumping back elbow, stomp, vertical suplex is blocked - O'Haire with a suplex of his own. Did Palumbo just say "just that damn good" just now? Stasiak with a clothesline. Right hand. O'Haire fires back - Stasiak with a right. Head to the turnbuckle. Into the ropes, fireman's carry...O'Haire slips out, then hits a DDT. Both men are down, and Johnson puts on the count - both men up at 5. O'Haire with a block, right, righ,t right,



into the ropes, duck, O'Haire with a clothesline. Scoop...and a slam. Big right hand. Right, off the ropes, kick, Stasiak manages to put him through the ropes...and follows. Head to the barricade. Palumbo asks him to bring him over so he can whack him with the Lex Flexor. Stasiak asks O'Haire to have a seat as Palumbo rises - but Stevie Ray grabs him by the hair and tells him to sit down. Palumbo threatens *Ray* with the flexor - so he backhands him. Meanwhile, in the ring, Stasiak off the ropes, front face - Hennigplex (or, if you're Tony, "Northern Lights") gets 2. THAT MOVE NEVER WORKS! Geez, Tony, was it "casual day" for the show tonight? Stasiak, not knowing what else to do, goes back to punches. Nice shot of Palumbo, flat on his back, yet still wearing the headset. Jindrak up on the apron, Stasiak with a shot for HIM. Back to O'Haire - clothesline ducked, O'Haire walks up the corner, backflips back to the ring as Stasiak charges in - side kick by O'Haire puts him down - up for the Seanton bomb...1, 2, 3. (5:07)

GENE O. works tonight! He's got a neck brace to match Judy Bagwell's as mother and son are welcomed in for a few words. Bagwell messes up the "self high five" masturbation joke talking about Kanyon. Buff says he'd like Franchise in the ring tonight, "if he's UP for it." Judy swears a lot, 'cause it's entertaining when old folks swear. Does she kiss her mother with that mouth? Don't worry, everything gets bleeped. Okerlund: "What a mouth on that old battle axe!" Yuk yuk yuk

Lance Storm is WALKING!

TONIGHT: Russo Russo Russo! If we can't get ratings with shootspeak by Goldberg of Nash, by God, we're gonna go to Russo! Curiously, we don't actually get to hear any snippets of Russo...instead we see him speaking, while Tony Schiavone provides a voiceover.

New Blood Rising promo

Booker T prepares under the watchful eye of the iWatch logo

Meanwhile, Kronic asks Sting to try to talk Booker about taking the night off, for his own good - Sting thinks it's useless, but he'll give it a shot

BIG VITO is out with handshakes all around - he'll serve as fourth commentator for the next match...

LANCE STORM v. SCREAMIN' NORMAN SMILEY for the SHIT - "I need to be serious again for a second if I could, please...I know I've got three matches tonight, so I'm gonna make this quick. All rise for the playing of the Canadian national anthem!" First man to talk over the anthem is...Stevie Ray! SHAME! Commentators take turns talking about their Italian heritage. "Hey, Stevie, you got a little Italian in you, don't you? From the Southern part--" "Very little." The music makes the "record scratch" sound effect at (:33) as Smiley comes out with an American flag. Huh - I thought he was British/Mexican. We take a look at the cartful of weapons...and then back to the ring, where Storm is brandishing his Canadian rule book. "Are you serious? Ladies and gentlemen, according to the Canadian rule book, the Saskatchewan Hardcore International Title can is to be defended with no outside materials coming into play - man-to-man combat only, and the way to win the match and the title is only via submission!" Smiley: "But Vito taught me how to use this traffic cone to give the man an enema!" but referee "Blind" Jamie Tucker tells him he can't use the pylon. Smiley, disgusted, throws it down. Here we go. Smiley warms up his dancin' feet, exciting the crowd and annoying Storm. FINALLY they tie up. Smiley turns it into a headlock, turning to an arm wringer, Storm turns it around to an arm wringer of his own. Smiley counters with...yep, another armbar. Storm somersaults forward and locks on - an armbar. Smiley counters armbar. For variety, Smiley works over the shoulder with his free arm. Storm elbows out and slaps armbar. Smiley rolls forward and hits a Sunset flip...for 2. (I thought this was a submissions only match?) Storm leans forward into a press for 2. (I thought this was a submissions only match?) Smiley flips Storm over for 2. (I thought this was a submissions only match?) Storm rolls forward and onto his shoulders for 2. (I thought this was a submissions only match?) Smiley rolls the body for 2. (I thought this was a submissions only match?) WHOOOOOOSH 11 Days Away. Storm ducks a clothesline, but Smiley wiseley follows with a back elbow that connects. Is it Big Wiggle time? No no, it's not wiggle time. Storm with a jawbreaker - and a dropkick. Suplex attempt - no, Smiley back down. HE'S going to try one - half hour variety DOES hit. Smiley grabs a leg - is he going for the half crab? Nope, just a standard leglock. Smiley trying to put pressure on the ankle - Storm in the ropes. European uppercut by Smiley, another, there's a third, but Storm locks elbows and hits a backslide for 1 (I thought this was a submissions only match?), Smiley to a double underhook - to a slam. Off the ropes, but Storm's knees are up to stop the splash. Storm puts Smiley's head in the buckle, right hand, into the opposite corner is reversed - Smiley with the long-absent SWOOP SLAM! Smiley eats a right - reverses a whip, waistlock by Storm, Smiley goes behind, wheelbarrow, "doin' it in da butt



and smackin' my bitch up" dance - Storm to the corner, and puts up a boot to stop Smiley's charge. Smiley remembers he was supposed to collide with Tucker here and backs up his elbow. Weeeeeak. Storm grabs the American flag and Gilloolys him as Tucker's back is turned. Canadian Maple Leaf on the left leg. Smiley taps - and the music starts BEFORE the bell rings. Oh well. (3:46) Vito says he's had enough - and hits the ring. Storm breaks the hold and takes off. Let's play Vito's music!

Gene O. stands with Franchise and Torrie - he's gonna Franchise him in the ass tonight, or something. Torrie promises that if "that trucker" gets all up in her area... "I'll sue!" Franchise also promises that down the road he'll Franchise *Kidman* in the ass. Man, this guy's got some latency going, huh? one of the *NSYNC guys has to kiss one of the *other* *NSYNC guys? Why'd they agree to play spin the bottle with five guys and one chick? I guess it just goes to show that you can't be in a boy band AND have a functioning brain. FATONE!

BUFF DADDY BAGWELL (with Judge Judy Bagwell, the TV-PG-DLV ratings box, the iWatch logo and Let Us Take You Back) v. FRANCHISE (with Torrie Samuda) - Bagwell leads a "Franchise sucks" chant, while Franchise disapproves of the chant. Lockup, knee by Franchise, clubbing blow, right, kidney punch, "now who sucks?", right, into the ropes, duck, Bagwell with a gutshot, off the ropes with the swinging neckbreaker. Pinwheel tease. Up for the Ten Punch Count Along. Into the opposite corner is reversed (what, those ten punches had NO effect?), Bagwell throws up and elbow and hits a Vaderbomb...for 2. Into the ropes, reversed, Torrie grabs the ankle, Franchise with an atomic drop. Clothesline. Ray calls Torrie a "yak." Stomp by Franchise. Elbow to the head. Right hand. Right. Snap suplex, holding on for two, bringing him up for the half hour drop - 1, 2, no! Bagwell comes back, right, right, into the ropes, back elbow, clothesline, clothesline, "that's it!", into the ropes is reversed, Franchise with a big powerslam...for 2. Calling for the Pittsburgh Plunge - and hitting the fishermanbuster - but Bagwell kicks out at 2! The yak's got a chair! Torrie's up on the apron - and so is Judy Bagwell. Referee "Blind" Mickie Jay, naturally, drops everything to go over to the apron, allowing BILLY KIDMAN to run in, dropkick the chair to Franchise's head, and Bagwell hits the Blockbuster for the pin. (3:44) I wonder what the Cat thinks about this outside interference? Post-match, Torrie shoves Judy from behind - and before Buff can help, "POSITIVELY" KANYON appears and gets to choking. In the ring - it's a - catfight? That is, until Franchise is over, got her by the hair, and removing the collar. We spend all our time watching Kanyon mess up Buff because either 1) Judy is just horrible at selling or 2) it ain't considered TV-PG materal to have a wrestler bust up an old lady. Since the commentators are only talking about Franchise and Judy while all we are seeing is Kanyon and Buff, it's a little confusing to say the least. Kanyon puts Buff in the ring - then gives him the Kanyon Cutter on the edge of a chair! AWESOME MULLET makes an appearance and makes the save...hey, Judy's not THAT fat a chick. Commentators go TOTALLY tasteless by saying "it's Columbia all over again" when references like that have NO place on this show. They might as well say "he hit that turnbuckle as hard as Owen Hart did!" while they're at it.

NEXT: Russo SPEAKS! Is it just me, or does it seem like Tony Schiavone's voiceovers are post-production added? I only ask because, in addition to sounding like that, in the previous weeks, these "NEXT:" bumpers have always actually had the guy talking - it's been an actual snippet of the interview. Despite seeing him three times, we haven't heard a word from Russo yet. Well, we'll find out next segment.



Promotional consideration paid for by Slim Jim (no Savage), "Buzz Lightyear of Starsomethingorother command: the adventure begins," America (ha!) Online, and Motel 6 7/8

Moments Ago (or During the Break), Bagwell was loaded on a stretcher.

At the ambulance, Awesome tells Bagwell he'll take care of Kanyon - you need to go to the hospital - and Judy, you need to go with him.

Damn, it took Sting a LONG time to get to Booker's dressing room. Sting tells him he doesn't have to do this. Booker says he's got two reasons he's got to do it - one...because the people demand it! Two, he wants to get his hands on Jarrett - and tonight, this is his chance.

As we get a replay of the opening pyro, Tony breaks in with a voiceover: "And now, fans, this important announcement: WCW executive management has refused to let us air my exclusive interview with Vince Russo tonight on Thunder! However, they are committed to letting Russo have his say, and will be working on the problem throughout the weekend. We'll try to bring you this highly controversial interview this Monday on Nitro - or at the very least, let Russo have his say on tonight's executive decision." And they go to break.

Gosh, I guess it's a REALLY LUCKY thing that 1wrestling (a wholly owned subsidiary of WCW) JUST HAPPENED to have a nearly complete transcript up on their site earlier today, huh? And...say, isn't it WEIRD that they played THIS interview *before* the show when they DIDN'T with the Goldberg and Nash ones the previous two weeks? And, gosh - why could they air such EXPLOSIVE Goldberg and Nash interviews on Thunder, yet Russo's is TOO HOT and they have to push it off until Nitro? Why, if I didn't know any better, I'd be suspicious that just MAYBE they're trying to give Russo more importance than they wrestlers. Dare I say...they just MIGHT be trying to ... (snicker) ... work the smarts! Or get you to tune in to Nitro. Or all of the above. Who cares.

Advance Auto Parts presents This Week in WCW Motorsports! Blaise Alexander managed to survive without crashing...until Lap Two. Make your own joke here - it's easy! He got an all-important Top 35 he finished 35th.

AWESOME MULLET (with Heidi and the iWatch logo) v. "POSITIVELY" KANYON - "You know who I am, and ya know what I like, so if you're pleasantly plump, and large and in charge, the Fat Chick Thriller is here to give you a dose of the old Vitamin P - and the P stands for Passion, baby! So if anybody calls ya fat, be proud of it, 'cause as far as I'm concerned, you're just bursting at the seams with love! But I got a little business to take care of first. Positively Kanyon, you stuck your nose in the wrong place before, and I made a promise to that *lovely* Judy Bagwell... so Kanyon, get your ass out here...and let's fight!" That's it - Awesome just talked himself out of me calling his match. You think Awesome ever thinks to himself "wow, they gave Storm THREE belts when he left ECW - I gave up their world belt when *I* left, and look at me now! All the fat chicks I can eat!" The commentary completely drops out whenever somebody brings up Russo's (nonexistant) comments - leading to large stretches of silence. And, as you know, since our commentators are all about NOT calling the match, the really quite eerie and noticable. Kanyon ends up decking referee "Blind" Charles Robinson, going outside and giving the Kanyon Cutter to a photographer, a cameraman, a grip, going back to the photographer and repeatedly punching him - now JUDGE JUDY BAGWELL is out to waffle Kanyon with her handbag. She *can't wait* to show us all that she put a brick in it, too! Geez, you know this was actually on its way to being the best match of the night and I was ready to feel bad about not doing play-by-play - I was going to rewind, start over, do a proper job describing the action - now I just feel like turning off the set and grabbing a snack. Awesomebomb - 1, 2, 3. (Formula 4:09)

Backstage, Storm takes another swig of water and tries to give us "tired."

Meanwhile, the Cat is WALKING!



Promotional consideration paid for by Corn Nuts, Motel 6 7/8 (again), Bubble Yum, and America (ha! again!) Online

THE CAT (with iWatch logo) v. LANCE STORM (with Earlier Tonight) for the Canada Heavyweight championship - "Before I get my hat trick tonight, I wanna get this in one time - so hit the Canadian national anthem." "The hell you don't, turn that off - I'm the commissioner! The only sound these good people gon' hear here tonight is my foot bangin' on your ass, okay, now get in here--" Storm tries to rush the ring and Cat pounds on him. Pound, pound, pound, pound - Storm manages a Euro elbow. Into the ropes, reversed, karate kick. Storm rolls outside and tries to shake it off. Storm back in - Cat back on him, Storm fires back with knees. Chop. Cat rakes the face, right, Ten Punch Count Along is halted at five with an atomic drop. Nice heel kick...for 2. Cat with an uppernut. Stomp. Right hand. Double thrust. Head to the buckle. Head to the adjacent corner - into the ropes, head down, Storm trying for a sunset flip, but Cat regains his balance, chops his crotch a few times, and throws a karate chop to the temple. Breakdancin' elbow gets 2. Cat puts him through the ropes to the floor...and goes out after him. Into the barricade is reversed and Cat hits hard - then runs into a superkick. Cat rolled back in - springboard dropkick by Storm gets 2. Whip into the opposite corner is reversed, Cat hits the Feliner, but Storm collides with referee "Blind" Billy Silverman. GREAT MUTA is out - why - why not. Cat tries to kick him, but Muta blocks it and kicks HIM instead. Muta blocks another kick. Cat ducks a clothesline, off the ropes, Cat's kick connects, but Muta catches the next one and takes out the right lef with a dragon screw legwhip. Muta takes off as Storm clips the injured leg. Got the leg - Cat tries an enzuigiri, but Storm ducks it - ramming the knee into the mat - and slapping on the Candian Maple Leaf. Cat taps. (3:52) I wonder what Cat thought of that outside interference.

Close captioning sponsored by Meineke!

Gene O. stands with Booker T, Sting, Kronic, and the iWatch logo. They're all player haters like nobody's business, but Booker's got him some kinda backup. "Jeff Jarrett - boo-yah! And I'm gonna get witcha." Adams promises some chronic pain. Clark says nothin'. Sting says that not even human combustion can stop the Stinget - and do you know why? 'cause it's showtime, folks! Yeah, it doesn't make sense - just let it go

Here's a Special Video Look at Miss Hancock and Major Gunns, who will take part in an ROTC match at New Blood Rising. Every excruciating moment of this angle is played and replayed for our benefit. Does this make you want to put down thirty bucks for New Blood Rising?

Vampiro, Demon and Muta make faces. Demon's got Sting at the pay-per-view, and tonight they'll team with Jarrett (who is advised to stay out of the way) and we'll see what the freaks can do.

Meanwhile, Gene O. stands with Jarrett, who wonders aloud "what is this, Halloween?" and tells us their job is to take care of Kronic and Sting and leave him to put Booker T in a wheelchair. Jarrett asks Okerlund to please choke on that, slappy, and Okerlund mutters something not nice about Jarrett under his breath as he leaves.

Booker T...and then Sting...and then Kronic...are all.....yes...yes...WALKING!

How come nobody ever asks ME



to choose between a hot juicy burger or a hot juicy miniskirted blonde?

New Blood Rising promo - Nash is "new blood" - uh huh

BOOKA T (with iWatch logo and Let Us Take You Back to Nitro...and Following Nitro) and (THIS IS) STING and KRONYKK v. THE PAINT JOBBERS (with Let Us Take You Back to Nitro) and JEDOUBLEF JADOUBLEREDOUBLET - Get this - Kronic can't even spell their own team name (their homemade T's say "Kronik"). Sheesh, are five separate entraces really necessary? Ray pronounces it own lahk neckbone as a Pier Eight brawl erupts. The ring clears of all but Booker and Jarrett - off the ropes, duck, Harlem sidekick hits. Right, into the ropes, roundhouse misses as Jarrett holds onto the ropes, then pulls himself outside. Muta hits the ring and surprises T. Snapmare takeover, off the ropes with the wacky elbow. Stomp. Mist! Stomp. Stomp. Apparently, Sting chaired Vampiro - but we didn't see it. Adams in the ring, full nelson on Muta - into a chokeslam. Off the ropes, clothesline for Vampiro. Clark joins Adams and they give Muta High Time. Adams covers - referee "Blind" Jamie Tucker decides that THEY are the legal men and counts 1, 2, 3. (1:24) Ahh, Muta has quickly learned the ways of Vampiro quickly, hasn't he? Demon dropkicks Adams out of the ring. Now all seven men are outside. We watch Demon pound on Adams - then we look back to the aisle where CAT has appeared and is throttling Muta with his black belt. Back to Adams, who has turned the tide against Demon and is calling over Clark. They have designs on the table...but Jarrett breaks it up. Kronic turns to Jarrett and pound on him - they'll put HIM through the table. Tucker grabs Adams in an attempt to stop this - so Kronic decide to put HIM through the table instead. Remember, these guys are the FACES. Referee "Blind" Mark Johnson runs out and disqualifies both members of Kronic. Yeah! That's where it gets ya! (call it - around 3:00) So now we've got five men in the ring...but Johnson wants this to follow some semblance of order and the ring is cleared of all but Jarrett and Sting. WHOOOOOOOSH New Blood Rising 11 Days Away. Jarrett off the ropes with the Boss Man straddle. T threatens to come in while Tenay proclaims this "a rivalry for the ages," but I'm not buying it JUST yet. Here's a brief Stevie Ray impersonation, from me to you: "Hey, Tony - lemme ask you something. Mike - Mike - lemme ask you something." Tag to Demon - open shot. Right. Into the ropes, Vampiro ends up falling off the apron when Sting bounces, since he's not paying attention to what's going on behind him - what a goof. Demon's back elbow finds the mark. Tag to Vampiro - right hand. Headbutt. Right, right, into the opposite corner is reversed, double clothesline and both men are down. Stevie Ray wants to ask another question. At 7, Sting makes the tag to Booker T. Right for Vampiro, right for Demon, clothesline for Vampiro, clothesline for Demon, Harlem sidekick for Vampiro, pounding on Vampiro until Demon gets him from behind. Elbow, Booker with a knee to the gut, off the ropes with the axe kick, breakdancing back up, Jarrett is on the top turnbuckle and flies - but T catches him! Before he can deliver the Book End, however, Demon makes the save. Jarrett rolls out of the ring and takes off up the aisle. T fights back against Demon - Vampiro from behind. Now Sting is over to's all breaking down again. Sting puts Vampiro into position while T ducks a clothesline and HE puts DEMON into position. Simultaneous Scorpion Death Drop/Book End, double cover, well *I* thought the legal men were T and Vampiro, but Johnson decides all four men are legal and counts a double pinfall. (6:05) Booker T's music plays and he and Sting are announced the winners. Umm...Jarrett wasn't eliminated...? Booker climbs the corner, gives Jarrett a faraway look - but the credits are up and we're out.

We end at 1957...that's about eight minutes early. This is the probably the only piece that would lead me to speculate that maybe they DID intend to air the Russo footage, but for whatever reason they had to pull it. Now back to my cockamamie theory about it all being a work. They only mentioned Russo - well, "mentioned" in the sense that the commentary was excised - in only ONE segment following where the interview was supposed to air. Usually, they spread that over EVERY segment. Well, okay, one more thing - all of the Russo clips PRIOR to the spot got obliterated with post-production Schiavone voiceovers - we didn't even get snippets of what Russo said, like we did with Goldberg and Nash. Actually, that supports the theory of "not a work - more of a real-life last minute post-production removal of..." Hmm, I wonder if the iWatch HyperTV thing had any Russo stuff?

Okay, enough with the wishy-wash. Here's my bottom line.

In order for me to continue talking about this, I first have to actually care enough about it to actually worry about being right or wrong. I *don't* care about this. I know that I've gone on and on, but there's a difference between engaging in speculation and ACTUALLY WANTING TO PLUNK DOWN THE BONES FOR THE SHOW. You and I can talk about this until we're blue in the face, but if it's still zero point zero zero buys *the job ain't gettin' done*.

Put it another way: ultimately, it should be that the POINT of all this is *supposed* to be HYPE for the triple threat match - isn't it, Russo? Hype the match? Remember? The *match*? NOT the booker, NOT the writer, NOT the shocking reality of the real realness. This is WRESTLING. But that's not what we're getting here. The wrestling - the MATCH - has been buried under all this "shoot" crap. Russo, every time it seems like you're on the cusp of understanding, and you might be up for realising the possibility that you're handling the creative end of a WRESTLING company doing WRESTLING shows, you fall back into your obsession with "working the Internet smarts" and we're back down that OTHER spiral. Russo-- Vince. You *can't* remake "Wrestling with Shadows." Stop trying.

Sorry, that's become quite a bit of an editorial there, hasn't it. Well, hell, since I'm already deep into overtime here, why not one more wrinkle? Call it an encore.

Hey! How about this? Turning our fantasy filter on, could it be *possible* that maybe...just MAYBE...somebody higher up on the food chain came to their senses on Wednesday and realised: "my God, what exactly are we putting on the air here? Why haven't we put this clown on a leash earlier? We've got to start fixing this, and we can't wait until later - we start fixing it TONIGHT!" Maybe they made the call, edited the show - and there wasn't a damn thing Russo could do about it. It's all uphill from here!

Now THAT'S fantasy, I reckon. Ha!

At the risk of helping WCW when they need it the most, maybe we'll find a few more clues on Saturday...and Monday. Maybe *that's* a reason to watch. Well...either way, I'll be back Monday and we can dance this dance again. Until matter what anybody else might tell you, I *still* love wrestling. Believe me when I tell you...I wouldn't be here if I didn't.

[slash] wrestling



Copyright (C) 1999, 2000 Christopher Robin Zimmerman & KZiM Communications