WCW logo - when it's ajar
KRONYKK (with TV-PG-DLV ratings box and close captioned logo) are out. Adams has a few words: "Hey! A little bird told me that Colorado Springs was down with Kronic. Well everybody in WCW knows that Kronic does all the asskickin' around here. Well Perfect Event, Jindrak, and O'Haire decided this past Monday Nitro they had a death wish. Well tonight, boys, Kronic's gonna make your wish come true. You see these belts? We'll put 'em on the lines tonight instead of this Sunday. We're not gonna wait 'til Sunday! We'll put it on them - on the line tonight, right here in Colorado Springs, so bring your asses out!" PERFECT EVENT appear, but Adams cuts them short: "Nonononono, we said this was gonna be a fair fight. So go back there and get your boyfriends, and all four of you get your collective asses out here." Clark's gonna actually SPEAK! Too bad the director decides to NEVER give us a shot of him. "That's right, ladies. Come on down, step through these ropes, and we'll show you why it's all about Kronic!"
KRONYKK v. PERFECT EVENT and MARK JINDRAK & SEAN O'HAIRE for the World tag team championship - while the four powwow on the outside, the formalities of opening the show are dealt with. Today is 9.8.2K and this is the World Arena in Colorado Spring, CO, the setting for this taped (8.8) edition of WCW Thunder on TBS. If Kronic gets pinned, then the man scoring the fall wins the titles for his team. Palumbo and Adams ready to lock up...no, Jindrak & O'Haire punk him out from behind instead. That's STRATEGY, folks. Palumbo demonstrating his array of kicks and elbows. Adams thinks about the no-sell, but it's a little early for that. Head to the buckle, karate thrust. Stasiak tagged in. Are they back to the heat machine this week? Adams with a headbutt, but Stasiak is back on him with a back elbow off the ropes. Off the ropes, reversed, gutshot by Adams, press into a gutbuster. Jindrak tagged in, Clark tagged in, Clark on him. Chop, chop, off the ropes, duck, dropkick by Jindrak gets 1. Into the corner, boot up by Clark, running shouldertackle. Jindrak to the eyes, tag to O'Haire. Into the ropes, funny clothesline gets 2. Tag to Jindrak. Elbow, Clark catches the next attempt and goes to the body, chop, into the ropes, Jindrak holds on and hits a Russian legsweep. Tag to O'Haire - Perfect Event getting a little annoyed, now. Right hand. Right. Spin kick is ducked, Clark with a gutshot...and a DDT. Clark crawling to Adams as a "Kronic" chant may or may not be breaking out. We miss seeing how Stasiak got the tag (thanks, director - that's two) while Clark makes the HOT TAG to Adams. Clothesline for Stasiak. Ducking a clothesline from Jindrak, full nelson and uranage. Gutshot for Stasiak, but he slips the press attempt, gutshot, turning Adams into a neckbreaker. Stomp, stomp, right, into the ropes, Adams ducks, head down, piledriver by Adams. Tag to Clark. Stasiak reaches for the tag - O'Haire bats away Palumbo's hand and takes the tag himself. O'Haire runs right into a clothesline, though. D'oh! Into the ropes, tilt-a-whirl slam...Jindrak breaks up the cover at 1. Adams is on his way in as Jindrak dropkicks Clark. Adams with a right, Jindrak ducks the clothesline, and on his way back, Palumbo low bridges Adams, putting him out on the floor. Perfect Event over to work on Adams while Jindrak & O'Haire put the boots to Clark in the neutral corner. Chair for Adams. Jindark with a Frankensteiner on Clark, who makes it look like the ugliest thing EVER, while O'Haire gets into position for the Seantonbomb. But it's *Stasiak* who covers! Referee "Blind" Jamie Tucker says "Legal man? I GUESS he's the legal man" and starts a count - but O'Haire pulls him off and I have a feeling some words may be exchanged. Jindrak tries a cover - Stasiak pulls HIM off. It's debatin' time in the ring! Too bad they didn't see Adams coming - Stasiak ducks but Jindrak & O'Haire exit the ring via a double clothesline. Meanwhile, in the ring, Clark with the gutshot, arm wringer, pump handle...that's the Meltdown. This is High Time. Whatever happened to Palumbo? Jindrak & O'Haire with one more cameo on the apron - Adams puts 'em down as Clark covers for the fall. (6:21) Palumbo, late in getting into the ring, takes some blows from Kronic, then tosses himself over the top rope in disgust. Stasiak, Palumbo, Jindrak and O'Haire - they are the "hungry lions" who are definitely getting the "push." I don't know about you, but I can't WAIT to see all these guys tie up again - WITH Rection and Cajun - this Sunday at New Blood Rising! Why, SURELY for such a match you might be willing to pay...THIRTY DOLLARS! For an encore, GREAT MUTA & JOBBIN' VAMPIRO make the post-match run-in--rather, a slow lumber-in. While Kronic watch them not come into the ring, DE JUICY ONE sprints in, nabs the title belts, tosses them to KONNAN waiting in the audience, and *they* bolt. Kronic actually take off through the crowd to chase them. If you're like me, you're thinking only of one thing: what the heck to Scott & Steve "Born to Do It" Armstrong think of all this?
Your hosts are TONY SCHIAVONE, MIKE TENAY & SAY FROOT BOOTY ALREADY. The Cat gave Booker T the night off tonight, but we'll still see him tonight, thanks to an extra special sitdown interview that will air later. Stevie Ray promises a Booker T that "no one's ever seen before" at New Blood Rising - what, he'll wear whiteface?
In the commissioner's office, the Cat's phone call is interrupted by Mike Awesome and Mighty Heidi. Are those the Dragons hiding behind that curtain? Cat says he wants to book Awesome in a flag match with Storm tonight. Awesome promises to break the Canadian flag on his neck. After they leave, the music starts up. Cat doesn't want to fight them now - triple noggin knocker, triple slap.
Meanwhile, Crowbar & Daffney are WALKING! Daffney shows off her "Watch Crowbar Wrestle" shirt, and Crowbar thinks about telling her...but gets all shy and demurs. Those crazy kids.
Meanwhile, Jeff Jarrett is WALKING! He promises Booker T won't make it to New Blood Rising after tonight. Wait--I thought T wasn't in the building?
CROWBAR (with Daffney Unger) v. "PRIMETIME" ELIX SKIPPER - Tony confirms that Booker T ain't here. Hey, Daffney's shirt doesn't say "Wrestle," it says "Whoopass!" Are you telling me that ADAMS can say "ass" but Crowbar CAN'T? Wow, Skipper's new nickname lasted a WHOLE week! He's got the stick, hide your children: "Hey! This is MAH house! So I want everybody to have a seat and put your seatbelts on. 'cause I'm gonna show y'all something y'all ain't never seen before. Actually, what I'm gonna do is give you a taste...of Primetime!" Crowbar offers the hand of friendship, Skipper takes it, and Crowbar turns him around into an overhead German suplex. Stomp, stomp, clothesline takes them BOTH outside. Right hand. Into the barricade. Crowbar to the apron - GIANT splash on the floor. Back in the ring we go. Stevie Ray: "This is a CLASSIC matchup, Tony!" Slingshot splash may have hurt Crowbar more than Skipper. Here comes M.I. SMOOTH with the run-in...and flowers for Daffney. He whispers something in her ear...she smiles, and off he goes, not failing to tell the camera that something is smooth as he walks by. Daffney tells us that the flowers are from her "secret admirer." Meanwhile, THERE IS A MATCH GOING ON in the ring - off the ropes, Skipper with a waistlock, Crowbar elbowing out - trying the quebrada, but Skipper bridges backwards to duck it. Skipper dives onto Crowbar...and gets stuck. Crowbar trying to put him down, but he holds on - now onto his shoulders. That's a victory roll and that's 2 for Skipper. Elbow. Elbow. Slap, chop, Crowbar reverses positions in the corner, chop, chop, into the opposite corner, Skipper tries to go up and over but Crowbar gets him on the shoulders - Spicolli Driver! Crowbar notices a bouquet in Daffney's arms and asks what's up. After going outside, he stands around long enough to end up on the wrong end of a pescado (with a twist!). Skipper throws the elbow, elbow, elbow. Daffney waffles Skipper with the flowers, then runs away. Skipper back over - elbow, back in the ring, on the top - Crowbar hits the foot and crotches him. Crowbar, from the mat, kicks high to the ribs - kick, positioning him on top, chop, chop, climbing up...Frankensteiner! Only he didn't take Skipper with him. Skipper from the top - diving into a ...super Sunset flip? Yeesh. Crowbar says "I ain't goin' out like THAT" and punches him in the head a few times. Got him up with a double choke - Skipper with an arm wringer, and here comes the Rocker Dropper neckbreaker...I mean, Overdrive - 1, 2, 3. (3:53) After not saying "Primetime" once DURING the match, they manage to sneak it out twice at the end. Tony: "Primetime Elix Skipper is for real - but who gave Daffney the bouquet of flowers?" Umm, didn't he JUST SEE *Smooth* give her the flowers? Hey guys, would it be THAT BAD to...you know...let the WRESTLING get over? Ponder that during this ad break.
New Blood Rising promo
Jeff Jarrett hits up Jimmy Hart in mid-sip and asks what's up with the Champ not appearing on Thunder. "Aw, another one of those dumbass shoot interviews?" After some more witty repartee, Jarrett breaks his gee-tar over Hart's head. "Everyone in WCW is gonna be sorry that the Champ ain't here tonight!" Poor Jimmy - if only HAIL were nearby
GENE O. works tonight! He stands (sans neck collar) with Buff Bagwell, who promises that "plain ol' Chris Kanyon" is going down in Sunday's "Judy Bagwell on a pole match." They cut to video of Nitro and Gene's trot to the ring to rescue Pamela. "Take a look at the speed on this man - he's fast!" "What is going through your head at stage?" "Well, I've got a couple of things on my mind - one of them is Chris Kanyon." "Well how much fun are you having?" (Gene kicks Kanyon in the nuts) "I had a ball." Gene and Buff yuk it up until Kanyon appears and cuts it off. He says if they think they're so tough, why not tag up and take him on with a partner of his choosing? Bagwell accepts, Okerlund demurs - but then, considering his partner, says yes. But who's the partner? Kanyon won't say, but offers by way of clue that it's someone who's wanted a piece of him for a long time. Don't tell me...it's Mr. Fuji?
Meanwhile, at the Hall of Justice--I mean, in the ring, 3 COUNT & JOBBED TO DAVID ARQUETTE are standing on their circles (and square). "Well, all you people have been waiting and waiting and waiting. I wanna let you know that my hit single is not yet completed, and I will not give it to you guys until it's ready - it's like fine wine, you're gonna have to wait! But do not worry, because *I* am gonna lead 3 Count in THEIR hit single...'til we get to that point, you guys need to participate! So, everybody, without further ado, hit the music!" "Sing Along with 3 Count" plays and Tank sings...off key. This lasts though one verse and one chorus...
3 COUNT & JOBBED TO DAVID ARQUETTE v. MISFITS IN ACTION (sans Stash, with Maj. Gunns) - Cajun & Loco bring out Super Soakers, 'cause they heard that Doink was doing it on the county fair tour, I guess. Of course, Gunns gets a blast, because wet women equals RATINGS. I can't help but notice a comically oversized ladder at ringside. Helms and Cajun lock up, Helms goes behind, to a side headlock, Cajun elbows out, off the ropes, spinning him around but not hitting a move, Cajun slides under and comes up punching - Bayou Blues, Helms ducks the clothesline, Cajun with a gutshot, side Russian legsweep, tag to Rection. Right, into the ropes, head down, Helms with a kick. Off the ropes, into a Rection powerslam. Laughing Man elbow, Laughing Man legdrop. Into the ropes, bringing him up, but Helms whips off a 'rana. The whooshing logo says "4 Days Away," in case I miss it all the other times and you'd forgotten. Tag to Loco, tag to Moore. Moore with a waistlock, standing switch, full nelson, Moore quickly frees himself, into the ropes from Loco, body scissors by Loco, hangs him out to dry on the top rope. Into the ropes, blind tag to Helms, tilt-a-whirl backbreaker. Loco runs into a clothesline from Helms. Into the unfriendly corner, where referee "Blind" Charles Robinson watches the illegal tripleteam...then decides he's probably supposed to be holding back the Misfits from getting in the ring. You'd think he'd have learned not to slip up like that by now. Rection and Cajun still manage to get in a few licks. Loco alone with Helms in the corner, kick, chop, into the corner, Rection with a splash, on all fours for Cajun's boosted crossbody, Loco with a splash off the boost. "Tony, can I axe you something?" Tenay: "Axe away!" AWOL with a big boot onto Helms. The "3 Count Sux" chant hurts Karagias' ears on the outside - hey, you think he might not get into the ring during this match? Whoops, guess it's a moot point as DAVID FLAIR & MISS HANCOCK are out and they've got Major Gunns surprised. Meanwhile, THERE IS A MATCH GOING ON in the ring - Abbott's whip into the ropes is reversed by Cajun, drop toehold, legdrop by Loco, Loco ducks a clothesline by Moore and dropkicks him to the floor. Cajun on top, but Abbott buries a punch in the gut on the way down. Helms ducking a Rection clothesline, superkick. Abbott's HAND OF STONE misses by a good several inches, but Cajun dutifully drops dead anyway. Abbott directs Helms, who positions the ladder across the corner - both men on it - simultaneous Helms legdrop/Moore splash running from head to body - Moore covers for 3. (3:35) Ya know, if that right hand is SO devastating, they didn't REALLY need to hit that move off the ladder, did they? The other thing is...it's really *depressing* when they keep saying "Gene Okerlund's gonna wrestle later tonight!" First of all, you know he's NOT, second of all, he's GENE OKERLUND. I mean, HELL. Wasn't it like...what, FIFTEEN years ago when he wrestled LAST time? He wasn't lookin' to young THEN, yo.
The 1-800-CAL-LATT Road Report say: Nitro in Kelowna, British Columbia at the Skyreach Place. In Canada, they don't call them "arenas" - they call them "places"
PAMELA PAULSHOCK mentions to the Misfits that if it wasn't for David Flair, they probably woulda won that big eight man tag. Rection asks the troops to buck up. Gunns tells "that floozy" that if she wants a war tonight, she'll get one. In fact, she'd like a mixed tag match with Flair and Hancock - against her and AWOL. Whoopee! Can you just see this fair first hour devolve into a REALLY POOR second hour before our very eyes? *I* can!
Meanwhile, deep beneath the surface of the ocean, Smooth says "smooth." Crowbar asks what's up with the flowers. Smooth says he was just delivering them - he needs to move real fast and worry about the smooth operator who gave out the flower. Smooth says "fast" like he says "smooth."
Meanwhile, in Metropolis, the Jung Dragons stand poised, ready to pounce, outside the Cat's door. Vampiro and Muta jump THEM from behind. Vampiro's errant trashcan loudly bangs on the door - Cat comes out and punks out Vampiro (wotta shock - Vampiro does the job), then MAKES A MUTA FACE! to Muta, then holds them at bay while (some of) the Dragons get behind him and in the office. Cat asks them to get a partner 'cause tonight there'll be a tag match. Put another one on the docket, boys - I may go crazy by the time this show is over.
Let's Take A Special Video Look At The Three Participants In The Number One Contender's Match Sunday At New Blood Rising - This Clip Started Nitro, I Do Believe - Hey, What's With All These Capital Letters?
Buff and Gene have a makeout session - I mean, STRATEGY session backstage, 'neath the watchful eye of the WCW camera. Gene's ready - he just wishes he knew who Kanyon's partner was. Gene says he knows it's Pamela, 'cause "she's nuts about me!" Well, if she is, you can chop off the "about me" part, baby.
Meanwhile, at the office of the Commissioner, Cat asks somebody to come back and be his partner tonight against Muta and Vampiro. Who can it be? Smart money says.....Asya
"ABOVE AVERAGE" MIKE SANDERS (with a garbage can full of weapons) v. SCREAMIN' NORMAN SMILEY - Let Us Take You Back Three Weeks For Some Wackiness That Involved Mike Sanders. "Now, uh, most of you people don't know who I am, and Norman Smiley, you DEFINITELY know who I am. Now, I might not be some big WCW superstar, but ah, I have been told that I'm the #1 guy on the B roster - top 49%! Solid C+, I mean Norman, I'm pretty good. And I think a victory tonight in a hardcore match is just what I need to let alllll these people know, and you know that I'm WAY 'above average.' Whaddaya say, Norman? Come on, big guy." "Mike Sanders, you got one thing right. I don't know you, and I don't wanna know you. And I am THROUGH with these hardcore matches--ohh!" as Sanders clocks him in the back with a chair. They brawl up the aisle, backstage, here, there, and I would classify this garbage match as "above average." Well, not really. In the background backstage, we see Jeff Jarrett bitching out...is that Ed Ferrara? Yup. They don't want to ID him, lest we figure out it's a plainclothes Oklahoma, but anyway, Jarrett's still unhappy about Booker T not being in the building, and Ferrara gets Kabong'd for his troubles. Where DOES he get all these guitars? I was going to say that THERE IS A MATCH GOING ON, but I hardly think it applies in this case. Pick it up from the point where Smiley starts doin' him in da butt while smackin' his bitch up - Jarrett is back, spins him around, and breaks a THIRD gee-tar over *Smiley's* head. Sanders covers...and referee "Blind" Mark Johnson exclaims "You can't do that! You gotta pin him in the ring!" Sanders puts Smiley in a conveniently located wheelbarrow and wheels him, stopping to remind him that 49% is "above average." Where *I* come from, a C+ is *79%*. Back to the ring, finally. Cover - 1, 2, JOHNNY ACE! Snapmare by Sanders, off the ropes, kick to the chest. Got the chair - second rope...who knows. Sanders puts the chair down on it's legs and apparently knocks himself right on the chin with the edge of the chair. Smiley falls on top - 1, 2, 3. (4:38)
The Thunder Ringside Release is the TBS Original Movie "High Noon" - airing 20 August and EVERY WEEK AFTER THAT FOR ABOUT A YEAR OR SO - strangely enough, this ad for "High Noon" is also BROUGHT to you by "High Noon."
Vampiro tells Sting that Demon is "comin' ta getcha" Sunday. Vampiro tells Cat that tonight will be his last match. Of course, Sunday Cat has Muta at New Blood Rising, so I guess Vampiro was speaking figuratively. No, wait - that doesn't make sense either
LANCE STORM v. AWESOME MULLET (with Mighty Heidi) in a flag match - "If I can be serious for a minute...Mike Awesome, I hope you're one hell of a Fat Chick Thriller, 'cause you're a damn poor Career Killer. Every time I beat you, Mike, you make me a bigger star. Tonight, this flag match is nontitle. Because I refuse to defend the Canadian Heavyweight title on US soil. You want this belt? You gotta come to New Blood Rising in Vancouver, CANADA, to get it. All rise for the Canadian national anthem!" First man to step on the anthem is Mike Tenay - SHAAAAME! Say, if the Canadian fans didn't riot when Bret Hart jobbed the title to Shawn Michaels, what exactly would be so umbraging about Lance Storm jobbing to Mike Awesome that we'd have to worry about ...snicker....Canadian violence? Or should I have said "aboot." Anthem lasts (:31) before...some other music drowns it out. Maybe Awesome has new fruity music and I didn't notice. Awesome rushes the ring and it's on. Right, right, right, right. Off the ropes and Storm dumps him onto the apron. Hot shot by Awesome. Now they're both out. Whip into the barricade is reversed by Storm. Storm with a chair - Awesome elbows the chair into Storm's face. Rolled into the ring to break referee "Blind" Billy Silverman's count - yeah, right, like we'd have a countout in a FLAG match. Storm with a jawbreaker. Chop, chop, chop, Awesome switches positions, slaps, slap, slap, into the opposite corner. Awesome follows with a clothesline. Standing over him and punching away. Awesome points to the corner with the American flag and Heidi climbs up. I thought the object was to steal your opponent's flag? Eh, maybe I'm wrong. Anyway, from the adjacent corner, Awesome hits the Awesome splash on Storm. Over to grab the flag from Heidi - but she whacks him with it instead. Ohhhhh...it's a SHOCKING SWERVE. Heidi with a second rope clothesline (!) and Storm puts on the Canadian Maple Leaf while Heidi waddles over to nab the CANADIAN flag. Stevie Ray busts out "yaks" as Heidi hands the flag to Storm...who still has the half crab locked in. (2:01) Sign in crowd: "MANGE MES NOIS." Where's your pixellation now, WCW? Heidi rips off her shirt to reveal a Maple-leaf'd T - "CANADIAN AND PROUD OF IT." Saaaay... *I* didn't know that "Canadian" was French for "fat!" I wonder what Cat thinks of this outside interference. Q: Hey Heidi, how do you like your poutine? A: Keep it in the greasecatcher For an encore, Storm breaks the American flagpole over Awesome's back. Hope that stick wasn't made in America or that would REALLY HURT
If Heidi's Canadian, what the heck's up with her decidedly non-Canadian accent?
Promotional consideration paid for by Slim Jim (Savage), Judge Wapner's Cash Scam, Motel 6 7/8, and America (ha!) Online
The Castrol Motor Oily Replay is Mighty Heidi doin' the thing in the ring - so, they hired her because she was willing to work cheaper than Rhonda Sing?
Pamela Paulshock stands with Billy Kidman. Tonight, he gets Reno - he's not worried about this, he's not worried about Franchise on Sunday. Kidman asks Franchise if, since he got to whip him on Nitro, why not make Sunday's match a strap match... "only you won't like it the way Torrie used to." Back to Reno, Kidman says he doesn't know much about him other than "he has a stripper name," but, saying he knows someone who DOES, he asks Mr. Cameraman to accompany him as he goes WALKING! "This is gonna be good." Kidman lets on that we're gonna go talk to Reno's girlfriend, Syryn. Kidman applies a Greco-Roman liplock. "See ya in the ring!"
TYGRYSS and the TV-PG-DLV ratings box join the commentary team. Tony asks her where the Filthy Animals have absconded with the tag team belts, and Tygryss breaks into her unintelligble Rosie Perez imitation. Stevie Ray thinks all women are "squacks," by the way.
DAVID FLAIR & MISS HANCOCK v. SGT. AWOL & MAJ. GUNNS in a mixed table match - Tygress all but guarantees she'll be running in later in this match - for this reason, and my general policy towards mixed tag matches, I'll probably just lay out and avoid play-by-play. As We Take You Back To Nitro And The Mud Pit, Tygress (I think) gets muted, then vows "I got next." By the way, the WNBA SUCKS. Hey, anybody seen Lenny Lane since he won his job back? Tygress tells us that Major gunns isn't a real blonde - that'd be a real shocker, huh? Tygress talks smack until Hancock smites her from behind. Referee "Blind" Jamie Tucker is quick to leave the ring in an attempt to break up this fracas. Flair, having brought the table in the ring, ends up on the wrong end of some punches as Tygress proclaims AWOL "look like a cuckoo bird on steroids." Oh oh - we don't say the "S" word around here, you know. The man with the mohawk motions for the chokeslam...but doesn't. He punches away on Flair in the corner until Hancock comes over and rakes the eyes. Flair pounding on AWOL - Meanwhile, Gunns pulls Hancock down to the floor. AWOL scoops up Flair - but instead of putting him through the table and ending the pain, he just slams him to the mat instead. Gunns whipping Hancock, but it's reversed and *Gunns* goes through a table leaning against the barricade. That's enough to end it. Well, okay. (LA 3:10) Don't worry - Flair still gets chokeslammed through the table, though. So, like, AWOL is the same rank as Buddy Lee Parker? The rest of the MISFITS IN ACTION (sans Stash) come out to check on Gunns and we quickly go to break.
Advance Auto Parts presents "This Week in WCW Motorsports!" Ever wonder about racecar tires? Then, buddy, boy are YOU in luck! Here's an inside secret: out on the track, they call 'em "tars."
Kanyon addresses an unseen partner.
Meanwhile, Doug Dillinja tells him "he's here. He came in the other door."
RENO (with the iWatch logo - did anybody actually try this? I got no letters about it last week. Feel free to write me and tell me how it is) v. BILLY KIDMAN - Let Us Take You Back To Last Week And Re-introduce You To Reno - Welcome to WCW, Reno - I'm ignoring your debut match! I will note that Reno managed to bust out a blockbuster suplex AND a teardrop suplex during his offensive spurt. Run in (is getting predictable) is by NITRO GRRL SYRYN after Reno hits his "Roll the Dice" finisher, but pulls him up to continue the punishment. Referee "Blind" Mickie Jay, knowing a good thing when he sees it, allows himself to be completely distracted by the redhead as Reno finds a chair and deposits it in the ring. How can you tell when a wrestler is a rookie? YOU CAN'T POWERBOMB KIDMAN! Reno's face hits the chair, Jay turns around - 1, 2, JOHNNY ACE!! Here comes TORRIE SAMUDA. Ray: "We got too many yaks out here tonight!" Jay turns to HER and, through the crowd, THE FRANCHISE appears, hops the rail, and clocks Kidman before he can Tomokaze Reno. Franchise puts the chain around his fist and hits Kidman, now in plain view of Jay, who calls for the bell (DQ 4:36) - how 'bout a doubleteam. Will somebody *else* come out to save Kidman? Nope. Now I WONDER what the Cat thinks about this outside interference. Franchise whips him with the chain while Ray relates something his momma saaid about a hard head and a soft ass. Making the save is...BIG VITO? Ahh, I get it. It's 'cause they're both bald, right? Vito and Reno in a stickball stick on a pole match - smells like MONEY FOR FALL BRAWL
Promotional consideration paid for by "Buzz Lightyear of Star Command: The Adventure Begins," Corn Nuts, Americaaaaa-ha-ha Online, Motel 13 3/4, and Wizards of the Coast's Nitro trading card game - that, by the way (/nitro), is the CORRECT link to the webpage for it...the one in the spot (/wcw) appears to be nonexistent. Somebody get Jessica on that for me.
Cat and Raven are WALKING! Don't tell me HE'S the mystery partner!!? Cat peels off and we follow Raven, who asks Doug Dillinja where Paisley is. Ohh...wait a minute, that's not Raven, it's the Artist. Artist goes behind a door to find Paisley with Kwee Wee's head in her lap, feeding him bananas and Hershey chocolate syrup while Papaya rubs his shoulders. Next.
JEDOUBLEF JADOUBLEREDOUBLET (with iWatch logo and fourth gee-tar) is out as Stevie Ray delivers another classic line: "Oh, I'm sorry - I thought it was Kiwi." Jarrett demonstrates wildly to a piece of paper, which he then hands to ring announcer DAVID PENZER, presumably for his to read. Let's listen. "This part too? 'Listen up Slapnuts. Jeff Jarrett would like everyone here to know that he is holding everyone in this building personally responsible for the fact that Booker T is not present. And Mr. Jarrett - and Mr. Jarrett will continue to disrupt the show and claim innocent victims for the remainder of the evening." Guess what happens next. Yup. Jarrett takes the mic from the fallen Penzer. "I know you're watching, Booker T! This is ALL on your head - everything I do is on your head! All the guilt, all the shame, it's all yours until four days from now! At New Blood Rising, because that's the night that I'll finally get to meet you face to face, and that's the night that I take my title - MY world heavyweight title and put it BACK around my waist - and that ain't no threat, that's a guarantee from the Chosen One - so why don't all you slapnuts out there choke on that?"
Tony Schiavone has a sitdown with BOOKA T. Winning the world heavyweight title was the greatest night of his life. Graphics say this interview was taped Monday, okay. T takes us to Daytona Beach and the fan reaction to him winning the title - they proved that he was a player. Tony asks about sports entertainment when T came in eight years ago as opposed to now - how has he dealt with the changes? T talks about starting in Global and how the veterans then prepared him for his run today. Some people get it early and they lose sight of the game - that it's all about the fans. He feels no pressure when he's in the ring...the pressure is on all the guys who will have to face him. Tony asks about the knee. T says Goldberg inflamed it real bad when he ran into it, but with a lot of therapy and a lot of ice, the swelling has gone down. "I'll probably never be 100% - I won't be 25 again!" A little scrape won't keep him down. Tony asks if maybe he's overdoing it, pushing it too much for the fans. T: "Maybe I am - I won't know until I get to that point and break in the middle of the ring," and that's the ONLY way he's going to lose the belt. He's gonna defend the title every night because that's what the fans want. You'll have to kill him to take the title from around his waist. Unfortunately, Tony fails to ask him why he doesn't bust out the Harlem Hangover anymore.
Close captioning where available sponsored by Meineke (and Turner Entertainment Group)
BUFF DADDY BAGWELL & MEAN GENE OKERLUND (with iWatch logo) v. "POSITIVELY" KANYON & ? - JUDGE JUDY BAGWELL joins the commentators. "Bro, cut my music! What I need - what I need right now is to bring out my mystery partner - he's gonna tear Mean Gene limb from limb!" Hey Kanyon, try turning the mic ON next time. Out comes.....THE MARK, complete with "Mark 'Smokey' Madden chyron and Bischoffian "airplane" pose. Well, hell; it wouldn't be Madden if he weren't STEALING something right off the bat. Hey, you know what's missing from this segment? *Woody Kearce.* ...stealing from Scott Hall now. He's gonna remove his shirt! He's...no, nobody wants that. Striking a Buff-esque pose, and meeting with unsatisfying results. Bagwell tags in Okerlund. They run around the ring for a while, never coming within five feet of each other. Okerlund manages a double axe to Kanyon's back as he berates the fans and has his back to him - then hightails it over to Bagwell to make a tag. Too bad referee "Blind" Mark Johnson had HIS back turned. Kanyon tagged in - oh, NOW Johnson has eyes in the back of his head and he KNOWS Bagwell got a tag. SURE. Oh well, we don't need Okerlund locking it up with Kanyon anyway....gutshot by Kanyon to Bagwell. Side headlock, Bagwell powers out, shoulderblock, off the ropes, up and over, leapfrog by Bagwell, hiplock takeover. Deep armdrag takeover. Clothesline. Pinwheel, pointing to the corner. Into the ropes, reversed, forearm to the head by the Mark. Bagwell turns around and no-sells it - and the chase is on outside the ring. Kanyon pops up with a clothesline about halfway round. Judy: "DIRTY POOL" Whip into the barricade by Kanyon. Rolled back into the ring, right hand, right, into the opposite corner is reversed, boot up by Kanyon, Bagwell ducks a clothesline, knee to the gut, double underhook DDT gets 2 - a fat foot comes in to break it up. Bagwell with a gutshot - should have no effect on a gut THAT big - whip into the ropes, big clothesline by Bagwell. Kanyon over with a surprise knockdown. Snapmares him over - blatant choke. Bring in the logo, why not. 4 Days Away. Elbowdrop by Kanyon for 2. Okerlund looks...concerned. Scoop.....and a slam. Kanyon with a "thassit" and he motions for the top rope. Climbing to the top - but there's no water in the pool, so you can't splash! Both men crawl to their partners....er, their "partners." Tag to the Mark - tag to Okerlund. Okerlund ducks a clothesline, throws an elbow, HAND OF STONE, pose to the crowd - oops, turned his back. Okerlund gets spun around and kicked in the 'nads. Pose to the crowd. Gene seems surprisingly okay for having gotten kicked in a sensitive area...perhaps there's no fire down below in his advanced age? Well, no. Okerlund removes...a cup. And here's...a cup to the face. Buff Blockbuster (not by Gene). Okerlund hooks the leg. 1, 2, 3. (5:19) Well, at least THIS time Gene didn't CHEAT while getting the pin. Post match, Kanyon gets the Cutter on Bagwell...then turns to Okerlund. He gives him the choke...Judy is ready to make the save (!) but Stevie Ray tells her to stay put; HE'LL do it. Let's go to break - quick! Anyway, I was thinking about forgoing a match description in favour of busting out right around 1951 words on a *hilarious* "history of the fast forward button" but I heard that Keith already tried that spot and it didn't go over, so I decided I'd better play it straight. Suffice it to say that putting THIS shit in the semi-main can only mean that they see the exit door, it's close, and they're gonna live out ALL their dreams before it hits 'em in the ass. Well *I* say good riddance to the lot of you. I'll try to liberally use your names long after everyone's forgotten about you, and I'm STILL chruning out these things for however many tens of thousands of people make WrestleManiacs the #1 independent wrestling website. Say, that reminds me. "Lee Marshall." Thank you; you've been beautiful!
New Blood Rising promo
CAT & ? v. JOBBIN' JUGGALO & USED TO BE GREAT MUTA (with iWatch Wednesday logo) - Let Us Take You Back to Last Week..and Earlier Tonight. "Hey - cut that music off - wait a minute, chumps! Now, if I was you, I would think twice before I got in this ring tonight, because I tell you what - I got a bad man on my side. And I'm gonna tell you this right now - it's SHOWTIME!" Well, I'm shocked - I was SURE it'd be Booker T, although storyline-wise (THIS IS) STING should have been even MORE obvious to me. Let me try to make up for it by predicting that Demon is under the ring. I keep waiting for Stevie Ray to axe us if this is Texas Tornado rules, because all four men insist on fighting at the same time, and all outside the ring. Muta paired with Cat; Vampiro with Sting. Sting misses a Stinger splash on the barricade, and apparently blades in the process. Back in the ring - holding him for a kick from Muta. Vampiro with a headbutt. It's finally settled down to a one-on-one in the ring with partners on the apron as Vampiro takes control on Sting. Right hand, overhand right, arm wringer, tag to Muta, open shot for Muta. Snapmare takeover, wacky elbow, mounting him and choking. HE MAKES THE MUTA FACE! Referee "Blind" Billy Silverman is appropriately spooked. Stomp. Full nelson - Sting slips free. Tag to Vampiro, who returns to the armbar. Really wrenching it in now, and driving it down. "Sting" chant. Sting manages to get to Cat and make a tag, but golly, Silverman didn't catch it. Too bad they didn't have ol' "eyes in the back of his head" Johnson out for this match, huh? Into the ropes, head down, kick by Sting - running into a kick. Headbutt between the legs, ow. In the corner, out of the corner, reversed, Stinger splash meets a boot. Spinning heel kick misses, double clothesline puts both men down. Silverman puts on the count - Sting up at 5 and there's the tag to the Cat. Block, right, double thrust, *Muta* gets a superkick and a double thrust. Vampiro goes to try a kick, but there's miscommunication and since Cat doesn't know when to duck, Vampiro decides to just not throw a kick at all. Cat unleashes another standing side kick, right on the button. Muta over - horrible hiptoss by Cat. Muta up - Cat puts him down with a double thrust. Going for Vampiro, nope blocked, there's a throat chop by Vampiro. Cat drops to his knees - Vampiro's got him, into the ropes, reversed, gutshot, DDT. Cover, 1, Muta breaks it up, Sting comes in. Well, I'm wrong again - there's DEMON, *not* under the ring, but sauntering down the aisle. Sting with a Stinger splash...into the mist. Cat hits the Feliner on Vampiro in the meantime...1, 2, 3. Vampiro...are you ready?...does the job. (4:39) Muta promptly gives HIM a faceful of red mist as Demon stalks Sting. Demon locks Sting in his own Scorpion Deathlock. Muta lays in the kicks on Cat. Vampiro poses away ("No way, that wasn't me jobbing there just now!"), credits are up and we're out.