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Opening Credits

PYRO! It's 27.9.2K, and coming from the First Union Arena in Wilkes-Barre, PA (taped 26.9) on WTBS, this is WCW Thunder!

JAMAL ANDERSON - I MEAN, DISQO comes to the ring, complete with old theme music, duck, Atlanta Falcons jersey (red), and "I saw Edge & Christian wear these once" funny sunglasses. "Yo yo yo - let ME speak on this! Hey Pam, you like this duck? Go ahead, touch it. Eyyyyyy, enough already! Y'see? I invented that, not K-Dawg. But that's not why I'm up in this house tonight. Y'see, I'm here to drop some knowledge on all my homeys, new school style. Y'see, there's big things on the rise for the Hip-Hop Poobah, straight from the east side...you know, carpools, private schools...(iWatch logo)...the word on the street is that I got a new partner, and that ain't no hype. And my new partner is down like me. He is cool like me. He has got it like that...like me. So peace out to the Filthy Animals...you are all fired. Rey, Konnan, Juvi and Tygress, don't sweat the technique, because here is the other half of the hip-hop sensations that are going to sweep this nation." But it's the theme of the Filthy Animals playing - and out walks KONNAN. Are we gonna go *another* night with no partner? "No, you're not my new partner!" "Oh you're damn right I'm not your partner, but you know what? I'm in the back and I hear you talkin' about there's big things on the rise - I know they ain't comin' from you. Now, what are you doin' out here? Did Richard Gere give you the night off? You cost Rey and Juvi the tag titles, then you come out here talkin' yang about the Filthy Animals? Let's handle this, let's do this now!" "Whoawhoawhoawhoawhoa - I didn't come here to fight! I came out here to introduce my new partner, and I KNOW you won't hit a guy with glasses." "The hell I won't!" POP! Oh, Billy Silverman's in the ring? The bell rang? Well...okay....

DISQO (with duck) v. KONNAN - Stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, "my balls are so big" pants shake, off the ropes, leapfrog, back kick, breakdance facejam, right hand and out goes Disqo. Disqo staggers over to the commentary table and speaks into Tenay's headset: "Now I'm gonna have to get violent on him!" Konnan's out to meet him, Disqo piefaces him and back into the ring we go. Forearm from Disqo, into the ropes is reversed, hiptoss by Konnan, dropkick to the face, here comes...aw hell, it's ACHTUNG ACHTUNG HIER IST ALEX WRIGHT come back to kill us all. He's shaved his head completely now (Skin Head! Skin Head! Oh wait, he's got an old Shaquille O'Neal "sideburns only" 'do going there) but the "A&W" tights give it away. Up on the apron, Konnan with "Iblockyourpunchyoudon'tblockmine," Wright with a right, hot shot, Konnan falls into the Chartbuster, 1, 2, 3. (1:11) Wright does the Alex Wright dance. Tenay: "Can't call him Berlyn anymore!" Berlyn? Berlyn who? There was no Berlyn, there was NEVER a Berlyn. Disco fever, yeah yeah yeah yeah. Just for fun, here comes RAYMOND STEREO, DE JOOSY ONE & TYGRYSS who chase them backstage. Konnan is left in the ring wondering what just happened.

And now, as a public service to you, the loyal reader, it's time once again for another inside look you just *can't* get anywhere else. Read on, as...

CRZ TAKES YOU INSIDE THE BUSINESS

Tonight's set of talking points: A Quick Guide to "Carlos" on Commentary
"...saw him behind the counter at KFC earlier today..."
"...stolen from Rey and Juvi (and Konnan)..."
"...greener than a cabbage patch..."
"...cure for insomnia..."
"...cranberries..."
"...jabrones..."
"...but I heard that they wouldn't sell it."

There, you NEVER have to watch "Worldwide" with the sound up EVER again. Trust me, if there's deviation, E.C. will take care of it for you.

(Somewhere else) Backstage, Mike Sanders (in suit) find Cat's office empty...and Vince Russo's office empty as well. Sanders sits at Russo's desk and props his feet up. Doug Dillinja comes in and tries to roust him, but Sanders produces a note substantiating a claim that he's in charge tonight...apparently signed by Russo.

NEXT: Jeff Jarrett is WALKING!

When we come back, the rest of the Thrillers are in Sanders' office and watching on a monitor a replay of Jindrak & O'Haire winning the tag team titles. "Hey, you guys wanna watch this back again?" Sanders has the truck run the replay again. Sanders says his first big decision tonight is to strip Norman Smiley of the Hardcore championship and put together a Hardcore tournament to crown a new champion..."next week." In the meantime, the two Thrillers taking part in the tournament (Reno & Johnny) need to take care of "that thing we talked about." BOFFO SEGMENT

Meanwhile, Scott Steiner and Midajah make their entrance. Steiner asks a security drone where Booker is - he don't know - Goldberg - he don't know - Steiner swings his pipe, but the security guy ducks and runs off. Steiner throws some furniture, then happens upon Disqo's duck and beats IT up with the pipe. Commentators express love for Steiner. Must be a shoot or something.

Meanwhile, Rection asks A-Wall where the guys are. Loco is lost. I think there was an in-joke about David Penzer in here. See, the only people watching this show are Turner personnel, so they probably GET all this. I don't, on the other hand, so I'm not gonna bother trying to share it with YOU.

JEDOUBLEF JADOUBLEREDOUBLET hits the ring. Let Us Take You Back to Nitro where Jarrett put a figure four on General Rection, and Sting made the save. Later tonight, a videotaped interview will aire, and Vince Russo will tell Mike Tenay who the champion is. OH BOY! "Now let the Chosen One get this straight. This past Monday at Nitro, while I was kickin' General Rection's ass from here to Timbuktu, Sting decided to grow some spauldings. He decided to come down to the ring and get into the Chosen One's business. And..." okay, that's enough of that. Jarrett goes on to bemoan the fact that the people out there actually thought that was heroic. Jarrett tells the "numbnuts" that Sting has lost it, has no desire, and is finished. Now, if *I* were Hyatte and *I* believed they had picked that up from a column penned by *me*, *I'd* probably think about sending them *a bill, with intent to collect...or sue.* But that's just *me.* Anyway, we see THE NARCISSIST walking down through the crowd and to the rail. "Well, well, well, who do we have here? Lex Luger. Now I may be mistaken, but weren't you sittin' at home the last few months collectin' a big fat paycheck until you decided to jump on Russo's bandwagon Monday? Hey, blondie!" Jarrett invites him in the ring. Luger's hair is short and *frosty!* "Boy, I've had to wait a long time for this - more than three months, I'm sittin' at home watchin' the likes o' you, not allowed to wrestle, not allowed on your precious TV, 'cause o' guys like you...and Russo. Now I know that most people have had to work for somebody else, and this audience tonight can probably relate to this. But what it comes down to is, you have to make a decision. And I made it, and I have to live with that, and it was the worst mistake of my life. Because when I left that building, I had a bad taste in my mouth, by the time I got back to the hotel on Nitro, I was sick to my stomach, and by the time I looked in the mirror the next morning, I didn't like what I saw at all. So what I'm sayin' is..." "Say it, Lex." "What I'm trying to say is I'm sayin' I made the big mistake in front of all these people, and I'm man enough to admit it." Jarrett tells them to say what he REALLY wants to say - "he sucked up to the boss last Monday. Hahahaha!" "Well Jeff, you should sure recognise it, because you've been further (up Russo's ass) than anybody for the last year and a half." At this point, GENERAL RECTION comes out and into the ring. "But the difference between you and I is it disgusts me, but you love it and you're real good at it." "Hey Lex, I'll be the first to admit, I'm not tickled about the crap you pulled on Monday night, but I know and a lot of those guys back there know what it is to fight for your job, and wanna be back on TV, and be part of this company, but you don't have to explain CRAP to that guy right there, because I forgive you and I know all these people forgive you!" Crowd: "NOOOOOOO" "But Jeff Jarrett, make no mistake - the Lex Lugers, the Stings, they got more heart that you can ever imagine - they're the foundation of this company--ukkk" as LANCE STORM punks him out from behind. Jarrett and Storm stomp all over Luger and Rection. Jarrett's music hits and before there's any comeback (a careful choice of edit?), we cut to

TONIGHT: "I'm not an athlete. I'm not a sports entertainer. I can't do in the ringwhat these guys in WCW are doing - you know what, maybe some people say I have no business in the ring and maybe they're right."

In a dressing room, Rection tries to apologise. Luger says he doesn't work here anymore, but he thinks they're asking for a match. Is he in? Yeah.

Meanwhile, with the Thrillers still watching the end of the tag team battle royale on the monitor, Leia Meow is brought in by Reno and Johnny, along with the iWatch logo. (iWatch: "because nobody else does") Amazingly, the Thrillers are more interested in watching the endless loop replay of their match than Meow - which says something about their sexual preferences, if you catch my drift. (Hey! They're all shirtless - YOU TELL ME) Anyway, Sanders asks her if she remembers pinning him last week, then says something about the people you screw on the way up will screw you twice as hard on the way down - and she is going down. Asking her what she's doing tonight, Meow says she's the special guest on the Lava Lamp Lounge. Sanders says she's been pulled - "beat it." Then he tells Johnny to handle the other thing they were talking about.

GENE O. stands with...well, whatever the Filthy Animals are gonna be called now that Disqo's fired them. He tells them that last week, we determined a #1 Contender for the Cruiserweight title but "maaaaan, I'd love to see you guys hook it up again." Juvi says he will see it again - why not do a "best of five." Rey says it's a good idea, but he'll take him out. "This is for de Joos's fans." Well, looks like I'll have ONE match to call tonight...unless they find a way to screwjob THAT up as well...hey, weren't they all PISSED about this LAST week when *Disqo* booked it for them? And now, they're so pissed they're gonna do it FOUR MORE TIMES? Umm....

WCW Magazine ad

SERGEANT A-WALL (with table) v. JOHNNY "THE BULL" (with kendo stick - and wheelbarrow full of weapons) in a Hardcore Championship Mini-Tourney Semifinal - tonight, a nonsanctioned main event! Luger & Rection vs. Storm & Jarrett. Not to mention a Russo sitdown with Tenay, aka "a long ad for Nitro next." I wonder what A-Wall - and I apologise for my terrible misspelling all this time - thinks about Alex Wright returning. Sign in crowd: "DEAD ENERGY." I don't know what that means, but I bet it's apropos. Stevie Ray gets muted and I can't figure out what he said (it wasn't "froot booty," sadly). Oh, perhaps it was something about blood because the picture goes black and white and they quickly get him a towel. Thunder is a blood-free show, you know. Thankfully, this is not a blood-free report - BLOOD BLOOD BLOOD BLOOD BLOOD Oh yeah, A-Wall wins with a chokeslam through a table and pin. (3:16 - hmmm) Just in case you worry that he might be getting a push, WHITE THUNDER (and Midajah) is sent out to clear the ring of everybody post-match. Hide the children, he's got THE STICK: "You know I'm sick and tired of you announcers [our commentary team is TONY SCHIAVONE, MIKE TENAY & SAY FROOT BOOTY ALREADY] coming out here to talk about Goldberg, saying this, saying that, he's a cyborg, saying he's indestructible, well I beat his ass at Fall Brawl! Did you miss that? Huh? Well what does that make me? I'm a genetic freak! And Booker T--" At this point, Stevie Ray gets up and stands in front of him and (I think) begs to get beaten down. "You and Booker T can't be brothers, you ain't even have the same mother!" Stevie Ray turns his back - I think so he can call Midajah a "yak" or a "squak" or something - and, go figure, Steiner whacks him with the pipe. "You know what - I'll beat your ass easier than I'll beat Booker T's" And they walk off.

Meanwhile, the bus pulls up outside the arena. Mike Awesome exits, talking about another edition of the Lava Lamp Lounge...and now, he's WALKING!

When we come back, the Thrillers are STILL watching Monday's footage - Johnny comes back and tells them he got his ass handed to him and where WERE they? Sanders tells him Kevin doesn't need to know about this - and neither does that iWatch logo up there. They seem to LOVE saying "S.O.L." for some reason

Meanwhile, Trainer Danny Young checks on Stevie Ray. Ray shrugs him off and tells the cameraman that he wants him anytime, anyplace ... oh ... I think he thinks Steiner is running the camera

The siren is STILL playing, but quickly fades into "Not Can't Get Enough Of Your Love, Baby" as THAT 70'S MULLET sits on the sofa of the Lava Lamp Lounge. The siren plays AGAIN because his guest is MIDAJAH. Awesome backs up, knowing that Steiner is around, moves in when he finds out he's pumping up backstage, moves closer when learning there's no monitor back there. Awesome starts the "206 bones in the human body" line, but Midajah doesn't let him finish it. "Mike, you're awesome, but you're no Big Poppa Pump." Awesome goes ahead and finishes the line *anyway*, but because this is a TV-PG rated show, it gets excised, making the whole exercise moot. LEIA MEOW comes out to ask what she's doing out here and an alleged catfight ensues. Awesome gets a hilarious double nutshot, the set is destroyed, Midajah debuts "a variation of the Steiner Recliner," Awesome makes a "crystal ball" crack, and let's move on.

TONIGHT: "Goldberg's future is in my hands. Can I fire him Monday night? You're absolutely right I can."

When we come back, we're backstage, where a crestfallen Crowbar enters the arena. Jimmy Hart meets up with him and asks what's up - "Jimmy, it's just another one of those days. You seen Daffney around?" Hart says Daffney and Ozzie are on their way to Australia. "Cheer up, man!"

Gene O. tells Midajah that was some right hand - "you certainly showed that hoochie's ass!" Does that even make SENSE? Okerlund asks Steiner about Stevie Ray. As part of my contractual obligation to tOA in general (and jdw in particular), here's Yet Another Steiner Transcript: "Brothers? Brothers, they ain't brothers! One's from P- P'keepsie, one's from Harlem! They ain't brothers, they're both illegitimate! They don't even have the same mother! As far as save the drama for your momma, neither one of 'em know who she is! So as far as Booker T sayin' - Booker T's brother Stevie Ray sayin' anytime, anywhere, he wants to mess with the largest arms in the world? He wants to mess with the genetic freak? I'll beat his ass worse than I beat Booker T's! Let's go, Midajah!"

Meanwhile, Hacksaw Jim Duggan talks to Chad Damiani - you can hear it on "WCW Live" on WCW.com. Or you can poke out your eardrums!

Halloween Havoc ad - nothing said about Sting's amazing transformation in this one

Aw, shit - KONNAN takes third headset - he's "chillin' exclusively," you know. Later tonight, Stevie Ray vs. Scott Steiner! And a nonsanctioned, no-DQ tag team main event!

HACKSAW JIM DUGGAN & "PRIME TIME" ELIX SKIPPER (with Major Gunns) v. MARK JINDRAK & SEAN O'HAIRE for the tag team championship - "Hey! Shut your mouuuuuuuuth. I think it's time you people started showin' us some respect! Knock it off... Elik is too nice to say it, but I think you people STINK. You don't have a clue about honour - about dignity - shut your mouth, woman - so one time in your miserable lives, stand up and show some respect as we play OUR Canadian national anthem! O, CAAAA - no no no no no - you people don't deserve to hear our anthem! I'm not gonna give ya the satisfaction!" Tony: "The world is coming to an end - Okerlund's got a toilet tongue, Tenay's turning heel--" Mike: "WHAT?" Let Us Take You Back to Nitro where Jindrak & O'Haire won the titles by eliminating...Mysterio and Guerrera. I leave it to you to wonder why those four just didn't have a REAL match. Sign in crowd: "WHAT? NO PENZER? I FEEL ROBBED" Konnan says "cranberries" twice during this match as well as "bore you to sleep," "techincally profound but charismatically deficient," and, for an encore, refers to Major Gunns mistakenly as "Tygress." Finish sees a distracted Duggan brawl up the aisle with SGT. A-WALL, who ran out to hit a choke into a spinebuster on Skipper, who was perched on the second rope from a crotchshot by Major Gunns who ended up falling - gently, VERY slowly - to the floor off a bounce off the ropes by O'Haire. Got all that? Anyway, Skipper was easy pickings for a Jindrak Argentine backbreaker and O'Haire Seantonbomb and pin. (7:34)

During the Break, A-Wall and Duggan threw lots of forearms. Security failed to separate them. Mike Sanders (and the iWatch logo) showed up and said that they were making Mr. Russo very unhappy. "This is MY show!" He asks security to get those two "cupcakes" outta here. Then he tells Skipper that he booked himself in a Cruiserweight match "next week," so tonight he's booking HIM in a tuneup.

"PRIME TIME" ELIX SKIPPER (already in the ring - with Major Gunns) v. KRONI>| - Skipper wants to leave as soon as he hears the music - but Gunns holds onto his ankles and roots him to the ring. So he just lies down in the centre of the ring instead. Kronik decide to leave the ring. Skipper gets up and tries a springboard plancha, and even though they are MERE INCHES away from him on the floor, he STILL *completely* misses them and goes "splat" on the floor. Adams presses him over the top rope and Clark does some more damage. So, is Sanders or Skipper the heel? I'm distracted by all of Konnan's exciting "shoot" comments. (High Time -> Clark pin 1:59)

TONIGHT: "You seem to sit there and think that I know the answer to everything. I have no idea what Lex Luger was doing at the Nassau Colesium Monday night."

Halloween Havoc promo #2 - "At Halloween Havoc, WCW will shock you again - and you will see something you cannot imagine - until you see it LIVE!" Didn't they try this line BEFORE? Didn't it NOT work? Do they ever LEARN? How many questions can I string together with a WORD in all capitals? ONLY FOUR! Oh yeah, this PPV is brought to you by Electronic Arts' "WCW Backstage Assault." You can't spell "Assault" without "ASS"

When we come back, we go to the dressing room, where Storm is telling Jarrett he got it twenty minutes ago - and he could have been helping out the rest of his team. Jarrett says Luger has no heart and he'll prove it. That was it?

Promotional consideration paid for by Slim Jim (Savage), America (ha!) Online, Tootsie candies, Motel 6 7/8, and Corn Nuts

RAYMOND STEREO (with Tygryss) (0) v. DE JOOSY ONE (with the iWatch logo) (1) - Sign in crowd: "PENZER GOT IT LIKE THAT" That must be Penzer's cousin or something. Tygress takes fourth headset - JOY. Here we go. Handshake to start. Lockup. Guerrera waistlock, Mysterio out but Guerrera holds a hand - high knee puts him down, Mysterio pops up, then drops down with an armdrag. "Wassup!" Guerrera goes outside and applauds. Back in the ring, going for the test of strength, but Guerrera kicks after one set of knuckles is locked. To a side headlock now, really grinding it in...Mysterio with a drop toehold, crossing up the legs and pulling on the arms - I thought he might drop back and go for La Tapatia, but instead he breaks the hold and goes to another hold I used to know the name of (short arm scissors and arm bar), then rolling Guerrera backwards into something close to La Majistral - this cradle gets 2. Guerrera floats over to a front chancery, both men to their feet. Guerrera turns Rey around and goes to the side headlock. Mysterio powers out, Guerrera off the ropes, knockdown. Off the ropes, Guerrera up and over, Mysterio leapfrog, Guerrera with a diving somersault as Mysterio drops down, tumbling through, off the ropes, Mysterio's clothesline is ducked, Guerrera up...and down with a flying headscissors takeover. Guerrera off the ropes, clotheslining Mysterio out. Guerrera poses on the turnbuckle as Mysterio tries to shake it off - and slowly climbs back up the steps. Konnan has actually moved away from all his cliches to talk about the history of Mexican wrestling and titles, which is pretty fascinating...it's also keeping us from having to hear the Rosie Perez clone next to him. I wish Konnan would do more of this cool background commentary and less bullshit about "cranberries" and making pot/kettle/black observations and no-selling stiffs. Of course, more people may wish I'd talk about matches like I am in this one and not like every other match in this show. Hey, I have an idea! How about having more WRESTLING and less of the things that make Konnan and me get so lazy? Then EVERYBODY'S happy! (Except Russo.) Back in the ring, Guerrera offers Mysterio a hand - Mysterio goes for the shake, and Guerrera kicks him in the gut. See, the Hand of Friendship should NEVER be taken! To the double knuckle, Guerrera with a back leg heel trip (who misses Bischoff? Ha!), Mysterio hangs on, balances Guerrera on his feet, then kicks him up and rolls up as well, following through into a body scissors, and a Mexican armdrag. Mysterio leapfrog, catapult - and Guerrera immediately grabs his left knee and rolls outside. Apparently, he hit the ropes wrong coming off the flip. Mysterio with his trademark spin in the ropes. Guerrera is doing some serious writhing here. "I can't no more, man." Referee "Blind" Jamie Tucker leaves the ring to check on Guerrera - now Konnan has gone off headset to check. Fan: "What is this? KICK HIS ASS!" Rey asks if he's okay - even Tygress is over now. Tucker calls for the bell. (No contest? 3:27) Well, I guess he's not playing possum. Crowd boos because THEY know their one chance tonight at a good match has just gone down the tubes. Konnan gets back on headset and starts on a diatribe about the fans, but he's cut off as we go to

The 1-800-CAL-LATT Road Report sez: Look for Nitro Monday at the Cow Palace! Look for CRZ and get interviewed! (I'll be the guy who looks like CRZ.)

Advance Auto Parts presents "This Week in WCW Motorsports!" Blaise Alexander says "slapnuts." I think that's all we need. Oh, no, wait - I need to hit my one joke here - "racing to a Top 25 finish!" Translation: He finished 25th

Replay of Guerrera landing wrong on the ropes - for some reason, they mute out Konnan's Spanish word for "catapult" - turns out Guerrera hyperextended his knee.

And here's a shot of Stevie Ray taping up, 'cause now we got time to fill

WCW Magazine ad #2

CROWBAR v. RENO in a Hardcore Championship Mini-Tourney Semifinal - Hooray! Konnan said "cranberries" again! Reno swings a trashcan lid like a girl. A-Wall apparently needed twenty stitches - I guess I should go back and see where he was opened up...ah, hell, I don't care. Silent crowd and dark arena. I hear there were 1600 paid here, and I'm not sure that they added too many freebies on top of that. I *do* notice Scott Steiner's "lily white" baseball bat in the ring for this match. I guess if I'm not gonna call the action, I should at least try to relate the story, and it goes like this: Crowbar started despondent and withdrawn, but got into the match as it went on. A leg breaks off of the table he tries to set up, but he goes ahead and hits a pescado through Reno and the (now slanted against the floor) table anyway. Rather than cover, Crowbar goes outside and introduces a ladder into the ring. Before he can do anything with it, though, Reno takes Crowbar down with an exploder - it only gets 2, so it's a moot point, I suppose. Finish sees JOHNNY "THE BULL" run out, seesaw the ladder into Crowbar's jaw, and one Roll of the Dice later, the finals are set: Reno vs. ... vs. .... ah hell, who did Johnny lose to again? (7:06) Shit, it was only an hour ago. Oh yeah, it's A-Wall. Thanks commentary dudes! Post-match, Johnny and Reno unwrap Crowbar's broken ribs and hang him with the bandages. Of course, this is a TV-PG rated show, so we zoom in until Crowbar isn't in the picture. Oof. THAT 70'S MULLET makes the save.

NEXT: "There's a little bit of information I'm holding back, and this little piece of information, it concerns Ric Flair."

When we come back, the Love Doctor is ready to take care of Crowbar's "chick problems." OH BOY!

Mike Tenay sits down with VIC VENOM, who wears a neck brace...and the WCW World Heavyweight Championship belt on his shoulder. Vince Russo, let's not waste any time. Let's cut to the chase, and let's get an answer from you to the question that is certainly on the minds of everyone in the world of sports entertainment, after what went down this past Monday on Nitro - the cage match ith Booker T. at Nassau Colesium on Long Island, New York - Vince, we've gotta know: who is the WCW World's Heavyweight Champion?

(iWatch logo) Question?

Question.

There is no question, Mike.

There's no question?

Who's here with the belt?

Well, you have possession of the--

It was clear, Mike, that I walked out of that cage first.

It was clear...?

The rules to the match were the first person to leave the cage first, and that was me.

I'm not convinced of that.

Well, go back and look at the tape, okay? Because that's the fact. And the fact was I left the cage before Booker T, therefore...mystery over! I AM the WCW champion.

And that's it? That's your decision?

Absolutely.

You are the WCW World's Heavyweight Champ--

Do I stutter? What, what words don't you understand, Mike? Go on to the next question.

Well, now that you're WCW World's Heavyweight Champion...who's next?

Well, you know Mike, you know, again, I sit here today the WCW Champion, but the fact of that matter is...I'm not an athlete. I'm not a sports entertainer. I, I can't do in the ringwhat these guys in WCW are doing - you know what, maybe some people say I have no business being in that ring and maybe they're right. On Monday night I wanted to prove a point - I wanted to prove a point that at any given time, Vince Russo can step in that ring with anybody and walk out the WCW Champion and that happened. Okay, but Mike, I said it on Monday, I'll say it again to you - I am done competing in the ring. My days of getting knocked around and beat up and over. I have a decision to make regarding this belt, and I'll make that decision Monday night on Nitro.

You know, I think you've already made that decision. Now's the time to come clean and tell everyone who down the line is going to be the World champion.

Come clean?

Yes.

Why? Why do I need to tell you, Mike? Yeah, I've already made a decision, and you know what? I'm going to make people wait for it. They're going to wait 'til Monday night, on Monday night they're going to find out what Vince Russo is going to do with HIS WCW title.

You talked about true athletes - WCW superstars - and I need to ask you about Bill Goldberg. You made it very, very clear on several occasions. Bill Goldberg has it in his contract that he cannot lay one finger on you, or else he's gone for good from WCW--

You know, Mike, have you ever been hit like that in your life?

No, I can honestly say I have not.

Do you know the impact - the impact of Bill Goldberg's, what, 300 pound, 350 pound frame driving me through a steel cage? Do you have any idea what that felt like?

Not personally, no I cannot.

Yeah, well unfortunately now, Goldberg's future is in my hands. Can I fire him Monday night? You're absolutely right I can. It's in the contract. And I told him if he laid one finger on me, I *would* fire his ass, but you know what? That might be a little too easy. I know what I'm gonna do with Goldberg, too, come Monday for you to know, and for everybody else to know - tune in. Check it out.

I have to ask you, Vince, about a couple o' surprises in that steel cage match. The return, first, of a man that you retired...the Nature Boy Ric Flair.

Yeah, and he is retired. He is retired, and I guess Ric Flair will tell you today that he's now working as a paramedic. Yeah. You know, Mike, I'll tell you this, I'll tell you right now... There's a little bit of information I'm holding back, and this little piece of information, it concerns Ric Flair. And unless Ric Flair wants me to drop the bombshell on him and his entire family, Ric Flair just better stay outta my sight from here on in.

And this bombshell concerns Ric Flair's family?

It concerns Ric Flair and his family - I know what it is, *he* knows what it is. And if he doesn't want anybody else to know what it is, he better stay outta my way.

Another shocker Monday was the return of Lex Luger as your ally.

What, what do you mean, "my ally?" I didn't know Lex was gonna be there. I had no way - and you know what, to this day I don't know what Lex was doing there. Maybe you need to axe Lex these questions. Maybe you need to axe Flair these questions. You seem to sit there and think that I know the answer to everything. I had no idea what Lex Luger was doing at the Nassau Colesium Monday night.

You know, Vince, you're giving me answers, but you're not giving me the right answers.

(smiles) Am I Midajah? Do I look like Midajah to you?

No.

Do I look like Stacey Keibler? You know, Mike, let me tell you something, I've been watching you on TV the last coupla weeks, and you know, for my tastes, maybe it's just me, you're getting a little too big for your britches, so let's end the interview on this note. Monday night on Nitro, you need to go out, you need to buy a pair of wrestlin' boots, you need to buy a pair of wrestlin' tights, and if I were you, I'd have it cover up my whole body. Because, Mike, Monday night, I've got a job for you, in that ring. Okay? And this time, Mike, I got the last word in. How 'bout that. 'kay?

NEXT: Scott Steiner and Midajah are WALKING!

Promotional consideration paid for by the WCW Nitro Trading Card Game, Tootsie candies (again), America (again!) Online, Motel 13 3/4, and Tootside candies (again again)

When we come back, the Thrillers congratulate Reno on advancing in the tournament. Ohhh, I get it. Every time somebody says "S.O.L." you have to immediately say "And you know what THAT means!" And then take a drink.

Gene O. stands with Luger and Rection. Luger fails to tell us where Liz iz. Er, is.

Close captioning brought to you by...who else? MEINEKE!

WHITE THUNDER (with Midajah - and Let Us Take You Back to Nitro - and Earlier Tonight) v. SAY FROOT BOOTY ALREADY - Stevie Ray is STILL selling the lead pipe shot he took earlier tonight. Not only has it affected his vision, but also his hearing as he fails to acknowledge his wall o' flame pyro. At first, I thought he was just playing possum for Steiner, but no, he's really gonna just lie there and take it. Standard squash follows - Ray manages a tiny comeback, but Midajah perches on the top rope - Ray catches the crossbody attempt, but before he can do something with her, Steiner lands an uppernut. Another lead pipe shot as referee "Blind" Mark Johnson is escorting Midajah out of the ring. Steiner Recliner - Johnson rings the bell when Ray doesn't respond to questoining. (3:09)

NEXT: Jarrett and Storm are WALKING!

Meanwhile, Luger and Rection are WALKING!

LANCE STORM (with Let Us Take You Back to Nitro - and the iWatch logo) and "THE CHOSEN ONE" JEDOUBLEF JADOUBLEREDOUBLET v. GENERAL RECTION and THE NARCISSIST - "If I can be serious for a minute...I need your undivided, respectful attention. Team Canada may not have fared very well tonight, but that stops now, 'cause I'm taking care of Luger and Rection. But before we get to that, all rise for the playing of the Canadian national anthem!" First man to talk over the anthem is....Tenay. SHAAAAAAME! We almost get all of the anthem (:56) before Jarrett's theme starts up - wonder if that'll affect him. Boy, we're killing a LOT of time before this match starts. Tony *still* tries to get people onto iWatch. Good luck. Konnan says HE wants to be on the Howard Stern show - there's a Bob Barnett joke in there SOMEWHERE, but I'm obviously too lazy to dig it out. Wow, I've missed the Total Package's music. Naaaaah. This match is unsanctioned, and so is this complete lack of play-by-play. "Two separate brawls occurring simultaneously" should cover my ass. Let's complain about Konnan's commentary instead. "Lex Luger looks a lot like Stan Stasiak's older brother with that haircut and new hair colour?" Mike: "STAN Stasiak?" "Ston Stasiak, or whatever his name is...oh, Sean Stozziak of the Natural Born Cranberries." Big clothesline on Jarrett, big clothesline, Konnan: "One of his patented three moves!" Big Ace Toolbox elbow, going for the big Torture Rack but Storm is in to prevent it. Referee "Blind" Charles Robinson prevents Rection from coming in and this thing starts to resemble a regular tag match. Funny, I STILL don't feel like paying it much attention. Luger breaks a sleeper from Jarrett with a big death suplex. Tag to Storm, who does some stuff. "USA!" Luger comes back - big right, big right, big right, off the ropes, Storm with a gutshot, pounding, tag to Jarrett. Konnan says "Stasiak" again. Double clothesline puts both men down. Tag to Storm, HOT TAG to Rection. Do they think it's Rection giving Luger a rub here? What a country! After Rection's houseafire bit culminates in a powerslam on Storm, he goes up for the moonsault - but Luger comes in. Aww shit. Oh, he's gonna hold Storm down. Riiiiiiiiiight. Shock of shocks, Luger pulls Storm out of the way as Rection is in midair. Luger puts Rection in the Torture Rack - but Rection's too heavy and he doesn't stay there long. A couple big stomps and big kicks and Luger takes off. Canadian Maple Leaf. (4:36) Credits are up and we're out. MY GOD, WHAT A SHOCKING SWERVE.

So, somehow Mike Sanders managed to book a match for Nitro, and of course, nobody's gonna change his plans between now and then, right? Hardcore title match. What if Smiley shows up? Well, he wanted to lose the belt ANYWAY - RIGHT? Sanders vs. Skipper - is that Monday or Wednesday? And does it matter? Mike Tenay will wrestle...unless he's smart and has his attorneys review his contract. I'll go out on a limb and assume he's not smart. And finally, I'll be roaming around with a media credential. If I'd actually hung out to just get comped like everybody else, I'd actually have a place to SIT...but it's not like I'm TOO worried about there not being an empty seat for me. If anybody can think of anything for me to do that would be cool and wacky while ALSO being legal and not so inappropriate that I can keep Mike from yelling at me about making the WrestleManiacs look bad AND also prevent any threatening of our ability to sweet talk the WCW PR department into access for WrestleLine in future appearances, I'm all ears. And FINALLY (and this is the REAL "finally"), if anybody wants to hang at the Cow Palace, you KNOW that misery loves company - let me know you'll be around and I'll try to hit you up for a quote in the next Nitro report. I'll see you LATER!