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WCW Thunder by E.C. Ostermeyer |
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This is the WCW Thunder report for Wednesday, 3 January 2001. Welcome to the 21st Century. None of that Y2K nonsense this time around. By the way, anybody seen my flying car? Footage shows Scott Steiner having issues with Ric Flair, then getting jumped backstage by the "Mystery Opponent." Jeff Jarrett wins the #1 Contender's Tourney by pinning Lance Storm. Mike Awesome plays well with others. Team Canada takes their revenge on Hacksaw Jim Duggan. Mike Awesome joins Team Canada, as Lance Storm tells Duggan to just "walk away!" Tag tourney is won by the Natural Born Thrillers. All of 'em. Goldberg gets the "Stipulation du Jour" from Lex Luger and his pet stooge Buff Bagwell. Goldberg roars his defiance... aw, skip it. CEO Ric Flair sets up the Sin PPV World Title match: Steiner will face both Jarrett AND the "Mystery Opponent," in a "Three Way Dance." Everybody up to speed now? Then we can begin. Backstage, Team Canada awaits the arrival of newest member Mike Awesome, who, we learn, "has a surprise" for his new-found friends. Major Gunns complains about the cold, and it IS a bit nipply, er, "nippy" out tonight. (Sorry, couldn't resist.) In the parking lot, Mr. Cameraman spots the arrival of a big white school bus. Didn't I see this thing under a pile of debris over on "Junkyard Wars?" "What is THAT?" says Stevie Ray. "Is that Mike Awesome's BUS?" asks Tony. "Gotta be," says Stevie Ray. "Hey! Check it out. It's pretty cool, eh?" says Mike Awesome to the rest of Team Canada. "'Pretty cool, EH'?!" says Tony, sneering at Mike Awesome's attempt at being Canadian. Team Canada goes nuts over the bus. Major Gunns likes the Canadian flag on the grille-work and the side. Prime Time Elix Skipper likes the fancy red hubcaps. Lance Storm is mightily impressed with Awesome's gesture of solidarity. "You are Team Canada," says Storm "Forward again!" Team Canada heads back to the arena, very pleased with themselves. And somewhere, a nearly bankrupt Georgia county school system is making it's students WALK to school. Mean ol' Canadians! Opening credits. Vampiro's image is gone, having been replaced by Chuck Palumbo's confused visage. We are live on tape from the Mid-South Coliseum in Memphis, Tennessee, Good old Mid-South. Jerry Lawler's backyard. Shame WCW didn't grab him when they recently had the chance. Maybe we'd finally be rid of the Tone-ster if they had. Speaking of which... "Where careers and history are made," says Tony Schiavone. "Yeah!" says 'Iron Mike' Tenay. "Testify, brother!" adds Stevie Ray, who's looking at Madden's spot on Nitro like a starving glutton confronted with a crackling roast. Opening bars of Richard Strauss' "Also Sprach Zarathustra", and out comes "Mr. Ratings" himself, CEO Ric Flair, wearing a black outfit that just shouts "one mean bad-ass!" Flair gets a standing "O" from these Memphis fans, who are going positively "ECW" in their enthusiasm. Flair is digging the heck out of the response, just letting the crowd turn HIM on! "Sometimes," says Stevie Ray, "you need a boss who can get things done, like Ric Flair." With an opening "WHOOO!" Flair begins. We learn: 1) that WCW is the greatest wrestling organization on the planet, and 2) we've got a great show for you fans tonight, after 3) a reminder of Bill Goldberg's situation at the Sin PPV, and 4) Scott Steiner will defend his Title in a Three Way Dance against Jeff Jarrett and the "Mystery Partner" ("Of course he means "Mystery Opponent," says Schiavone,) and 5) The "Mystery Partner" is a big, time, player in the wrestling industry. Additionally 6) He overlooked something at Starrcade, and he plans to make it right later on, but now 7) To Flair's favorite topic, Scott Steiner, who's midway through his two week suspension ("Should be two MONTHS," rumbles Stevie Ray. "Two months?" says Tony. "Without PAY!" retorts Stevie Ray. "That's pretty stiff, Stevie," says Tony. "After what he did to Mike?" says Stevie, "No way!") 8) Steiner is the Champ. As the Champ, he has responsibilities, and 9) He has to learn to live...by...the...RULES! (Big "WHOOOO!" from the fans at ringside. Flair's having a heckuva good time up there.) 10) Sin Sunday will be one of the biggest PPV's ever, and Flair hopes everybody tunes in to see WCW at its finest. This brings out Jeff Jarrett, who's sick and tired of hearing about Scott Steiner, and reminds Flair, none too gently, that there's a third man in that Three Way Dance, namely The Chosen One. And because The Chosen One wants to know who the "Mystery Opponent" is right now, Flair had better tell him, RIGHT NOW, or he's gonna be wearing a "SlapNuts Special!" ("Tenay, can he do that?" asks Stevie Ray. "He just did!" says Tenay.) "I'm gonna take a deep breath," says Flair, (inhales) "and let it out, (exhales) and I'm gonna tell you like I told Scott Steiner. NOBODY tells ME what to do! Can I assume that you are threatening me?" "You damn right!" says Jarrett. ("It's getting serious in the ring," says Schiavone.) 'Well, here's the deal. If you're one of the big players in this business, you need to wrestle as a big player. So, if you're threatening me, getting on MY ass, you got to suffer the consequences, too. You know what that means? (Jarrett suspects something, but says nothing.) "That means tonight, you're wrestling in the Main Event..." "Where I should be," sneers Jarrett. "...but," continues Flair, "if you lose the match, you lose your slot in the Three Way Dance!" Jarrett's about to say something, but Flair cuts him off. "That's right. If you get beat in the match tonight, you...are...history!" "Just who's my opponent?" growls Jarrett. "Watch this..." says Flair, and Sid Vicious' music fires up. Jarrett's doing the "Nononono's" in the ring as big ol' Sid strides down the ramp. ("He's brought it on himself!" chuckles Stevie Ray. "Sid VICIOUS?!" screeches Tenay, who can't imagine anybody bringing the "Shatterer of Worlds" on himself.) Sid arrives in the ring, and Jarrett makes a hasty exit. As Sid steals some face heat from the crowd, Flair shows, with visual aids courtesy of the ThunderTron, just how come Sid deserves a shot at the Three Way Dance. "I overlooked a great wrestler at the wrong time!" says Flair. Jarrett is REAL unhappy about this sudden turn of events, and starts up the "whine-mode" bit. Flair's not having any of THAT! "If you try, in any way, shape, or form, to weasel your way out of this, you're out of the Three Way Dance for good. You and Sid square off tonight, or you're history, buddy!" The grin on Sid's face is almost feral Flair unfortunately gives the microphone to Mr. Vicious. "Hey, Jeff! Tonight, you lose, your spot, at Sin, to ME!" Jarrett's doing the 'Uh-uh-no-way's" up on the ramp. "And as you sit at home, and whinin' and cryin' 'cause you lost your spot, remember, Mama said... (holds the mic. out to the crowd) "IT BE THAT WAY SOMETIMES! Hahahaha!" Commercials. Backstage, WCW "Dark Side" Commissioner Mike Sanders gets stopped outside his office by the CEO. Flair's got a couple of questions about tonight's card. Specfically, why aren't Nash and Page here tonight? (Uhh, they're both at Scott Hall's "Just Got Released from Jail"- party, Regis?) Sanders says that he had one heck of a time working that schedule so the World Champion Insiders could have a well-deserved night off, and he was also very considerate of "you, Mr. Flair, by not bothering you about it!" "So," says Flair, in a wary tone of voice, "I can go to bed tonight, knowing that you haven't screwed around with the travel, you haven't flown 'em over to Egypt, or something like that..." "No!" says Sanders, with an innocent look on his face. "...you just have them off the show tonight, right?" "Right, they NEEDED the break, that's all it is!" says Sanders. "All right, Mike." Smiles all around. Handshakes all around, and Flair leaves. Meanwhile, inside "Da Commish's" office, Sean Stasiak's needing a telephone etiquette lesson, that fellow NBT member Sean O'Haire is more than willing to "l'arn him." Sanders shows up, just giggling like crazy over the fast one he just pulled on Ric Flair. The Insiders are lost in an Avis rental, God knows where, and won't be at the show tonight. Ergo, Sanders wants the rest of the NBT's to "go out there and show everybody that The Insiders ain't got a chance in hell at Sin, and don't worry about them interfering tonight." Reno feels left out, so Sanders books him in a match "against somebody I beat, so you should have no problem." Lots of horseplay ensues, before Sanders puts a stop to it. "We got work to do," bellows O'Haire. "I gotta KILL someone!" hollers Chuck Palumbo. "Mean Gene" Okerlund's got Crowbar and Daffney. Crowbar, appropriately, is in an attitude of prayer. Daffney's got day-glo pink hair on tonight, and a top that reads "got PYRO?" "Daffney, I couldn't help but notice," says Okerlund, "are you a 'natural' pink?" "Why yes, Gene," squeaks Daffney, with a big grin on her face, "right down to my eyelashes!" Mean Gene gives her a Look before turning his attention to Crowbar. Crowbar's got a major roadblock tonight when he faces Meng. Crowbar gets full-bore kayfabe about Terry Funk; "Look into my eyes, Terry Funk! STARE INTO MY SOUL! This is YOUR product, what YOU created...You WILL drag your battered, bloody body over to me, Terry Funk, and you will pass ME the Hardcore Torch, and say 'Take it, kid. You earned it! And Meng, you got me in a "Chair on a Pole" match tonight. If I get it, I am swinging it with murderous intensity!" "Crowbar, the leader of the Hardcore Revolution, right here on WCW," says Okerlund. As we get ready for the first match, Tony shills for the new "I have Spoken!" Ernest 'The Cat' Miller T-shirt. Match #1: Shane Helms d. Jamie Knoble, ("Nightmare on Helms Street" finisher/pin, 4:02). A whiz-bang curtain-jerker from these two high flyers, that is unfortunately ignored by the announce team, specifically a fuss-fest between Tony and Stevie Ray. Helms' continues to impress me every time he gets in the ring; if the Hardy boys over in the WWF are looking for additional talent, helms is my pick. As an example, he comes up with a double-butterfly underhook variation on an Abdominal Stretch, with leg grapevine at no extra charge. It looks painful as all get-out. Knoble finally wiggles out of the hold and almost gets a pin-fall. As Tony and Stevie Ray continue to argue, Knoble and Helms put on a great chain wrestling demonstration that the Memphis fans really get into. Neatest move series is a hangman's neckbreaker attempt by Helms that gets reversed five times before he finally hits it. Northern Lights suplex, but Knoble kicks out. Though Knoble gamely tries to mount a comeback, helms wins with a combination that starts with his "Vertebreaker" and finishing up with his version of an inverted DDT, cleverly called the "Nightmare On Helms Street," getting the pinfall. Post-match, Evan Karagias comes out to pound on Helms, until Shannon Moore arrives to break up that nonsense with his version of the Stunner, and it's good night Evan! Knoble revives long enough to nail Moore with a tombstone piledriver, but runs afoul of another "Nightmare on Helms Street" from Sugar Shane. Looks like Jamie Knoble gonna be sleeping with Miss Advil tonight. Oops, spoke too soon, as Chavo Guerrero Jr. charges the ring, and clocks Shane Helms a good one with the Cruiserweight Title belt. Advil all around, bartender, and keep it coming. Best Match of the Evening, by the way. Commercials. We get footage from the 20 December Thunder. Konnan locks "Prime Time" Elix Skipper in his "Tequila Sunrise" submission finisher, as the new Millennium version of the "Superstation IWatch" logo appears. Back to Mid-South, where Konnan and Prime Time are STILL having differences, and being quite vocal about it. Prime Time shoves Konnan, and then takes off around a corner, with Konnan in hot pursuit... ...only to get ambushed by Mike Awesome, who at one point appears to be trying to rip K-Dawg' ears off his skull. Mean Gene's got The Cat and Ms. Jones backstage, both of whom are having fun with Okerlund, dusting his lapels, straightening his tie, patting his sweaty forehead, (which the Cat quickly wipes off on Mean Gene's jacket). Okerlund says that Commissioner Sanders is talkin' some smack (eh?), and Reno's backstage telling the NBT's that he's gonna beat the hell out of the Cat. "Wait a minute, old man," says the Cat, "Don't be coming out here using words like 'smack', and actin' all cool. You gotta stop watchin' that WB Channel, because it gonna get your old ass in trouble, okay?" (Okerlund nearly loses it, but recovers nicely.) "Ee-gor cannot beat me, and as for you, Mike 'Saunders', when I get through with Ee-gor, I'm comin' for your ass, too, because might want to be the Commissioner again! How you like that?" "I like that a lot," says Mean Gene. "Well, you should," says the Cat, "You know, old man,"(Okerlund bristles visibly at this) "you need to watch some other stuff. Watch what the old people watch." "'What the OLD people watch?" says Okerlund, getting a bit peeved, "What would that be?" "Lassie," says the Cat, and he and Ms. Jones depart. Asthey leave, Mean Gene's scoping out Ms. Jones' caboose. "To think what I could do with her...(suddenly remembers that Mr. Cameraman is standing RIGHT THERE!) ...oops!...errr, the Cat faces Reno, right here, tonight!" In a locker room, Jeff Jarrett discovers both of the Harris Boys out cold. There's a big "SID" scrawled on the mirror. "You guys were supposed to be watching my back!" says Jarrett, whose bad day is getting worse. "Now I gotta come up with another plan!" Match #2: Natural Born Thrillers d. MIA's Cpl. Cajun and Sgt. A-Wall (w/ Gen'l. Rection), (O'Haire w/ Seanton Bomb on Cpl.Cajun/pin, 4:22) Footage from the 20 December Thunder shows Shane Douglas and Kronik pasting the MIA's. Mike Sanders comes out with the NBTs and requests that Gen'l. 'Re-action' leave the ring because he doesn't have a manager's card. This leaves A-Wall and Cajun standing back to back in the ring and being stalked by the NBTs, "MIA's, this is kind of what The Insiders are gonna be facing at Sin. But with the Thrillers, you never know who it is, and you never know when it's coming." "We got a four-on-two, here!" says Tony Schiavone, like we weren't expecting it at all. O'Haire and Palumbo are teamed up first against the MIA's, as Stevie Ray tries to get Schiavone to answer his question about how Sanders keeps getting away with this sort of thing. "Because he's the Commissioner," retorts Tony, " and Ric Flair cannot change any decision, statement or action that Mike Sanders may make. He can only add to it, or change the stipulations." Meanwhile, Sean O'Haire is walloping the stuffing out of Cpl. Cajun, while Chuck Palumbo is distracting referee Charles Robinson. Robinson sends O'Haire out of the ring, at which point Cajun hits a power surge and nails Palumbo with a superkick/flying elbow combination, and follows with a fists of fire beat-down. Cajun tags in A-Wall, then whips Palumbo cross-ring and right into A-Wall's big boot. Powerslam by A-Wall, as Tony screws up A-Wall's rank, then blames it on Stevie Ray. Tag to Cajun, who hits a modified Thesz press , getting a two-count. A-Wall and Cajun double-team Palumbo, as O'Haire tries unsuccessfully to make the save. Flying elbow by Cajun and a cover, 1,2, no! Cajun gets whipped over the ropes, but lands on the apron, only to get a flying double dropkick from Palumbo that tumbles him down to the floor, where jindrak and Stasiak are waiting. Cajun gets a mudhole stomped in him, then gets hot-shotted off the steel guardrail. Referee Robinson is arguing with Rection at the near-side ropes, and doesn't see the carnage occurring across the ring. Meanwhile, O'Haire tries a top -rope jaw-buster on A-Wall, who blocks it and counters with a massive powerslam. Cajun gets rolled back in as A-Wall rolls O'Haire out. A-Wall turns, and gets a Chuck Palumbo Jungle Kick in the face that tumbles him from the ring. O'Haire goes up top, and nails Cajun with a Sean-ton Bomb, getting the pinfall. Post-match, the rest of the NBTs attack the MIA's, and include Gen'l. Rection in the party this time. Rection fights back like a cornered grizzly, making mincemeat of Mike Sanders. Out comes Chavo Guerrero to lend a hand, followed by Shane Douglas, who wallops Rection in the forehead with that chain-wrapped fist of his. Chavo grabs a REAL folding chair, and dares the NBTs to come on, but they decline. Commercials. Mean Gene's got Shane Douglas. This ought to be good. Douglas says that he's the guy whose number one task is to make Gen'l. Rection's life a living hell, "because he took away that woman that I love, and she DIDN'T DO A THING TO HIM! Not a stinkin' thing! And I will make his life a living hell until I take away from him the thing he holds most dear; the US Title! And at Sin, we WILL have a winner, unlike at Starrcade. So we'll put my chain, high on a pole, and God help whichever one of us suffers a beating with it!" "So Hugh Morrus," says Douglas, "you think about this. As you watch me climb tha-a-a-A-A-A-RRRRGGHHH...!" This last is uttered as a result of Hugh Morrus jumping The Franchise and beating the hell out of him. Okerlund's hollering for Security, and gets a Klown Kar full. Out in the parking lot, Mr. Cameraman spots Prime Time Elix Skipper behind the wheel of Mike Awesome's bus. "This is MY bus! I built this bus! You get in Prime Time's way..." (another appearance of the Superstation IWatch logo also reveals Hacksaw Jim Duggan, 2x4 in hand, who is slowly sneaking up on Skipper from the back of the bus. Duggan shushes Mr. Cameraman so he won't "ruin the surprise.") "...I'll run ya to hell-l-l-l-l-LLPPP!" "RR-AARR-RRR!" and Duggan starts pounding on Skipper. "WALK AWAY?!" hollers Duggan, tossing Skipper off the bus, and chasing after him. "WALK AWAY?! WALK AWAY?! I'VE NEVER WALKED AWAY FROM A FIGHT IN MY LIFE." Skipper gets hammered and slammed into the side of the bus, right on the maple Leaf Flag. Duggan's literally foaming at the mouth as he tosses Skipper around like a rag doll. "I'VE NEVER WALKED AWAY FROM A FIGHT IN... MY... LIFE!" he bellows again, and stomps off, ("HO-O-O-O-O!") looking for more Canadians to clobber. More high drama backstage, this time with Konnan and the Filthy Animals. Konnan is p.o.-ed because the FA's weren't there to back him up. The FA's swear revenge on Team Canada. The reunited Mamalukes are in conference. Good to see Johnny the Bull again. Up comes the Cat and Ms. Jones. The Cat asks the Mamalukes for a favor: please don't interfere in my match with Ee-gor (Reno). Somewhat baffled, the Mamalukes agree. Aw, jeez, Mean Gene's got Buff Bagwell, AND Lex Luger backstage. Buff proceeds to foul the air until he runs out of breath. Step right up, folks, and meet the world's largest source of untapped natural gas! Buff also attempts an impersonation: Beavis. Sheesh! Luger doesn't say much, which is a blessing, I guess. Mean Gene acts like he needs a wash after that segment. We get a freakin' video about Sarge, narrated by ol' "YOUR NEXT!" himself. Dennis Miller's job with Monday Night Football is secure. Commercials. Elix Skipper appears to have been trampled extensively by Duggan. Team Canada swears vengeance. Awesome is particularly enraged. Rey Rey's back from "somewhere" toting a nearly bursting paper bag. Lemme guess. It's the ol' "flaming sack of dog poopie"- bit, right? Hey, you know, that WOULD be cool! To the Commissioner's office, where Mike Sanders and the NBTs are celebrating. Oops, it's Papa Ric. The party atmosphere takes on a noticeable chill. "The deal with the Misfits? Cool, very cool..." (Sanders is pleased)"...but it wasn't in the best interests of the company..." (Sanders loses the smile REAL quick)"... and Reno, even though Sanders set you up with the Cat, you're wrestling him tonight, and the Thrillers are barred from ringside." (Reno's not smiling now.) Flair turns his attention back to Sanders. After consultation with the former WCW Commissioner, the Cat, Flair has decided to do to the NBTs what Sanders has been doing with the rest of WCW. Therefore, Flair's gonna start booking the NBTs, starting with Mark Jindrak, who's now got a match booked tonight, but Flair's not revealing the name of his opponent. Jindrak is not happy about this, and O'Haire is positively bristling with anger. Palumbo's openly sneering at Flair. "You guys have a great New Year," says Flair, smiling his best "Nature Boy' smile, "you're doing a great job, Mike (pats Sanders on the back, which Sanders doesn't appreciate,) "And the rest of you guys look just AWESOME!" Flair leaves, still with that big "Nature Boy" grin on his face, and a room full of frowns in his wake. Mean Gene's got Sid Vicious, who towers a good two feet over Okerlund. Sid cuts a pretty good, albeit confusing promo. Sid thanks Flair for the opportunity to squash Jeff Jarrett tonight. Confidently looking ahead to his Three Way Dance with Steiner at the Sin PPV, Sid says he isn't afraid of Steiner or the "Mystery Opponent." Whoever's behind that mask and that straitjacket is human, and he has to face Sid. "Try to stop me," whispers Sid, menacingly, "You can't!" As for Jeff Jarrett, he's in for extended hospitalization after tonight's match. Match #3: Meng (w/ Paisley) d. Crowbar (w/ Daffney) (Chairshot/Tongan Death Grip/submission, 4:36) "Chair on a Pole" match. Daffney's still wearing the pink wig and the "Got Pyro?" top, enhanced with hand-held sparklers. As Meng and Paisley entered, Stevie Ray had some unkind things to say about "pink-infested Yaks" at ringside. There's a steel chair suspended from a pole about fifteen feet up from one of the turnbuckle stacks. The match opens with a typical brawl, with Meng dominating with a series of headbutts. Crowbar was first to scale the heights and grab the steel chair. Meng grabbed Crowbar before he could descend, and did a fallaway Samoan Drop. Victory Roll by Meng gets busted after a 2 count. Neat Van Daminator by Meng rocks Crowbar back against the turnbuckles. Cover by Meng, 1,2, no! Would somebody shut Daffney up? Meng goes outside the ring and grabs the steel chair. Crowbar nails him with a baseball slide under the bottom ropes. Towering plancha by Crowbar squashes Meng on the floor at ringside. Crowbar grabs for a ringside chair, and Stevie Ray sarcastically asks why they didn't grab for one of those chairs instead of the one on the pole? Powerslam by Crowbar drives Meng to the mat, but a Crowbar Bomb off the steel guardrail gets Crowbar a double shot o' Meng knee right in the breadbasket. Meng whips Crowbar into the opposite steel guardrail, but gets slammed face-first into the ring steps when Crowbar hits a drop toehold. As crowbar groggily drags himself back into the ring, Paisley grabs for the steel chair. Daffney tries to stop her, and we've got a (insert your own Joey Styles' impersonation here): "Catfight! Catfight! Catfi-i-ight!" Paisley wrestles the chair away from Daffney, who loses her pink wig in the scuffle. Paisley goes to wallop Daffney with the steel chair, but crowbar snatches it away from her. Meng surprises Crowbar with a Samoan Drop, as Daffney's busy walloping Paisley outside the ring. Meng targets Crowbar's throat with a couple of shuto punches, then positions the steel chair atop the turnbuckle stack on the far side of the ring. Daffney's bouncing Paisley's head off the floor. Crowbar gnaws on Meng's forehead, then drops a jaw-buster on him. Two clotheslines by Crowbar do nothing except make Meng mad, and it takes an inverted DDT to send Meng to the mat. Crowbar doesn't cover, but punches Meng several times in the face. Crowbar backs off, and sets for a running clothesline, but Meng ducks, and drives Crowbar face first into the steel chair with a back body drop. Crowbar staggers back, and right into the Tonga Death Grip. Crowbar's gone, and Meng wins the match and the shot at Terry Funk's Hardcore Title. Paisley's waving Daffney's pink wig around like a pom-pom girl. Anybody wanna bet how long Meng's push lasts? I'm guessing less than a week. Commercials. As we come back, Ric Flair's busy glad-handing Buff Bagwell and Lex Luger. "Well, I have no idea what that was all about,' says Tony Schiavone. Jeff Jarrett is pacing around in the locker room, talking to himself. Match #4: Goldberg d. Mark Jindrak, (Spear/jackhammer, 1:12) Can Flair book a match or what? Goldberg charges the ring. Jindrak, staring Certain Destruction full in the face, bails out fast enough to leave a vacuum. After telling Goldberg to back off, Jindrak climbs back in. And gets squashed flat, big surprise. As Tony & Co. jabber away about Goldberg's record, Goldberg gets on the stick: "The clock...is TICKING! Eleven days! At Sin, Luger, Bagwell, you can wipe both your names off the roster... because your both ... NEXT!" Mean Gene's got Jeff Jarrett. Okerlund points out the pickle Jarrett's gotten himself into with Ric Flair. "Well, Happy New Year, Jurassic Slapnuts" "Thanks you," says Mean Gene. "Did you EVER think you'd see the year 2001?" "YOU'VE got better things to worry about," sneers Okerlund. "You damn right! Ric Flair. Who the hell does he think he is? I am the Chosen One; proved myself time and time again, and now I gotta fight Sid just to get INTO the PPV? He (Flair) thinks he's got me back into a corner. Well, I got a plan. Scott Steienr, e may not be here tonight, but the "MysteryMan" is. So I gotta little plan. The "Mystery Man", he's the deciding factor. Does he want me, or Sid in the PPV? Choke on that, Okerlund!" Mr. Cameraman discovers Lex Luger and Buff Bagwell enlistng the services of Kronik. Looks like they had to pay double the rate. Tony Schiavone tries to shill for the new Ernest "The Cat" Miller "I have Spoken!" T-shirt, and gets a bad case of "fumble-mouth" about halfway through his spiel. As The Cat and Ms. Jones make their entrance, the Three Stooges wonder what was up between Luger/Bagwell and Kronik. Anybody want to draw these guys a diagram? Match #5The Cat (w/Ms. Jones) d. Reno, ("Feliner" finisher/pin, 2:46) Footage from the 16 October 2000 Nitro shows The Cat nailing Alex Wright with the Feliner. Stevie Ray wants to know why The Cats kicks are so lethal. Tony ascribes it to years of training. "He was the world karate champion three times, and you don't become the Champ three times without such lethal kicks, Stevie." Stevie wonders if The Cat ever put his feet in hot gravel to toughen them up? "I'm not sure..." says Tony, who 's trying to get his brain around THAT particular image. The Cat gets on the stick, and tells Reno he wants Commissioner Mike Sanders, not him, and why does Ee-gor have his ugly ass out here, anyway? This cracks up Tenay and Stevie Ray. "This fight ain't between the two of us, so I'm gonna allow you to get your ass out before I ... (looks over at the broadcast booth, where all three announcers have lost it completely. The Cat smiles, then) "... call my mama." The Cat turns and starts hollering at the ThunderTron that he wants Mike Sanders. Reno wallops him from behind, and we are underway. Reno continues his attack by stomping a mudhole in the Cat. Blatant choke from Reno goes to a four count before Reno breaks the hold. Cross-ring whip by Reno gets reversed. The Cat converts into a wrist-lock, and starts kicking the stuffing out of Reno in the middle of the ring. Reno bails out. Ms. Jones taunts him, then tries a circle-kick at Reno's head, which misses. Reno, incensed, charges after her, but gets clobbered from behind by The Cat. Reno gets tossed back in the ring, and The Cat hollers he's gonna "call his mama!" The Cat gets tangled up in the bottom rope, allowing Reno an unmatched opportunity to put his opponent away. Cross-ring whip into a crucifix slam rolls he Cat into the far corner. Reno motions for his "Roll the Dice" finisher, but The Cat chops his way out. Reno tosses The Cat into the corner and pummels him down to the mat. Reno pauses to argue with the referee, returns to his business... ...and walks right into a small package roll-up that nearly pins him. Brainbuster attempt by the cat gets nowhere, and Reno counters with a cross-ring whip series that ends with Reno's attempt at a Sunset Flip. The cat does his DX-inspired "Boogie down" move, and hammers a throat chop that rocks Reno back into the ropes. Cross-corner whip by Reno gets reversed, and Reno hits the turnbuckle stack chest-first, and hard enough to shake the whole ring. As Reno staggers out of the corner, The Cat nails him with the "Feliner" for the win. Post-match, Reno gets tossed out of the ring by The Cat, who celebrates with Ms. Jones. Commercials. Mr. Cameraman spots The Cat and Ms. Jones entering CEO Ric Flair's office. "What's he up to?" asks Tony Schiavone. Match #6: Mike Awesome (w/ Team Canada) d. Hacksaw Jim Duggan, (Interference/"Awesome Splash"/pin, 3:36) We get all pixellated by WCW Post Production because some fans at ringside are exhibiting their intelligence quotient. Sigh. Lance Storm, serious for once, says that Jim Duggan had his chance to walk away, but, like most Americans, he acted without thinking. "Awesome is bigger, stronger, BETTER!" says Storm. "You're an OLD MAN, Hacksaw!" bellows Awesome. The Canadian National Anthem plays, only to get interrupted by Duggan charging into the ring. The match is pretty much a squash from the get-go, though Duggan keeps battling back. Prime Time clips Duggan's knee, crippling him, and Awesome finishes the bout with his Awesome Splash for the pin. Team Canada continues the beat-down on Duggan, until the Filthy Animals arrive and chase them away. Sweet mother, would you look at that outfit Tygress has on? The censors must be going nuts! As Team Canada walks up the ramp, all pleased with themselves, K-Dawg tells 'em to look up at the ThunderTron for a big surprise. Which is... A completely graffiti-ed "Molson Special" squatting in the parking lot. I'm surprised the FA's didn't leave it up on blocks. "The Filthy Animals leave their mark on Team Canada!" crows Tenay. Mike Awesome looks about ready to cry. WCW Upcoming Events Calendar: 1/8 St. Paul, MN (Nitro) 1/14 Indianapolis, IN (WCW 'Sin'-PPV) 1/21 Columbia, SC (1st 'House Show' of 2001) 1/22 Winston-Salem, NC (Nitro) Isn't this the same Calendar they showed just before Christmas? Commercials. Replay shows the FA's saving Duggan from Team Canada, and then springing their "surprise" on the "Forward, Again!" crowd. Mean Gene's all bundled up against the cold. Needs a hat, though. He's out in the parking lot, where Team Canada, (still in their wrestling togs, and probably freezing their buns off) are just having a fit over the job the Filthy Animals did on Mike Awesome's "Molson Special." "Why don't you call the COPS?" asks Okerlund, a fair question. Mike Awesome is having a conniption fit. 'Gene, I spent ALL DAY yesterday painting this bus, DAMMIT, I can't believe they MESSED IT UP LIKE THIS!" "You Animals want to jump on Team Canada," snarls Lance Storm, "try jumping on us at Sin! We are gonna make you pay for what you did to our bus!" Man, it's REALLY "nipply", er, nippy in Memphis, tonight. Just ask Major Gunns. Or Mean Gene, who's momentarily distracted by Major Gunns' current state. Gene gets himself under control. "Look at this mess!" says Okerlund, indicating the 'Molson Special." The Mystery Man suits up. "I wanna know." says Stevie Ray, "The people wanna know. Mike, suckas gots ta know, who the Mystery Opponent is!" As Buff Bagwell makes his entry, we see footage, first from Starrcade, and then the 18 December Nitro, of Bagwell interfering in Goldberg's match with the Luger creature. Match #7: Sarge d. Buff Bagwell, (Interference/DQ, 4:49) Sarge charges the ring, and manages to toss Bagwell around for a goo minute or so. Sarge is tough as nails, or so we are led to believe. Since he's trash-talking Bagwell and whomping his sorry ass all over the ring. Near fall by the Sarge, and Bagwell bails out. Sarge won't let Buff Daddy run away, chases after him, and hammers him HARD right on the back. "Man, THAT'S gotta hurt!" says Stevie Ray. Sarge is relentless, hot-shotting Bagwell off the steel guardrail, all the while keeping up the torrent of verbal abuse. Stevie Ray says that of the nearly 85% of the people who wash out of the WCW Power Plant, nearly all of them leave because Sarge tells 'em they can't cut it. Oops, Sarge got caught climbing back into the ring by Bagwell, who hits a nasty-looking neckbreaker. Buff stops for a pose-down. More pummeling by Bagwell, but his Giant Splash finisher gets nothing but knees. Sarge on offense now, with a scoopslam and a splash of his own. Bagwell hits a power surge, and counters with a Pedigree. Buff waves at the ramp, and out comes "Ol' Stumbles", with steel chair option installed. A forty-foot-high Goldberg is shown on the ThunderTron charging out for to save Sarge. He gets ambushed by Kronik, who turn Goldberg into a lopsided soft-toy Stimpy, and toss him in a dumpster. Kronik then terrorizes two arena employees to forklft the dumpster out of the arena, and close the doors. Looks like Sarge is on his own. Back in the ring, Sarge gets a wing broken, courtesy of Luger's old "chair/stomp/yeowtch!"-gimmick from last year. We get a double helping of referees and Security, and a LOT of bell-ringing. One thing about this bout. The crowd didn't cheer, or boo, or ANYTHING during the whole, sad affair. Draw your own conclusions. Commercials. Backstage, the Ambulance Bros. Confirm that Sarge's arm is broken. An "OWWW! DON'T TOUCH IT!" from Sarge would seem to confirm this. "I heard the bone crack," says Stevie Ray. We get footage showing Jeff Jarrett winning the #1 Contender's Tourney. Mr. Jarrett enters the arena, and tells the Mystery Man that it's time to put up or shut up. "one of two scenarios is gonna take place. In one, I will once again prove that I am the Chosen One. In the second scenario, a miracle's gonna take place, and Sid's gonna pin me, 1,2,3. It's your call, Mystery Man. Now Sid, get your big, jacked-up box of Slapnuts down here, and let me show you, once again, why I am the Chosen One!"" Sid's backstage... WALKING! And GIGGLING! (Sorry, CRZ, I couldn't resist.) Mr. Cameraman spots a new limo in the parking lot. The NBTs all go out to investigate. They think it's THEIR limo. But we know better, don't we? Surprise, it's Kevin Nash and Diamond Dallas Page, reprising their roles as the Insiders. Looks like Nash showed DDP the "Minimum Number of TV Appearances" clause in his contract. Stomp City time for the NBTs, with Chuck Palumbo getting a semi-trailer right in the head. Nash makes Sean Stasiak eat limo trunk, and wallops him on the back with a tire iron. "Thrillers laid out everywhere!" hollers tenay. Reno gets clobbered by the tire iron as well. "It's an 'Inside' job!" quips Tony. Aagh! Commercals. Tony's selling stuff again. This time, it's a $50.00 (includes shipping) Goldberg jersey. You gotta REALLY want it. Match #8: Jeff Jarrett v. Sid Vicious, (Interference/no decision, 3:49) Sid shows up on the ramp, and does a pose-down. Behind him, some fan holds up a sign that says "Wrong Place, Wrong Time!" and Post-Production leaves it in because THIS IS WCW! Footage from Starrcade shows Sid pinning Scott Steiner for a fifteen-count. No referee, though. Sid arrives in the ring, prompting Jarrett to bail out and head for the back. Looks like he's hoping to be counted out. Sid's not having that, and drags Jarrett back to the ring. Looks like Jarrett IS the Chosen One. Chosen to be Sid's punching bag, that is! Sid takes Jarrett on a tour of ringside, stopping along the way to introduce him to various inanimate objects. Mr. Steel Chair. Mr. Steel Guardrail. Mr. Ringpost. Mr. Ring Apron. Sid rolls Jarrett into the ring to avoid a count-out, then climbs in. Jarrett reaches over, and crotches Sid with the middle ring-rope. Jarrett stomps on Sid, and grinds his heel on Sid's throat. Jarrett drapes Sid across the middle rope in a blatant choke, which referee Charles Robinson finally breaks up. Springboard senton off the far rope, and Jarrett lands squarely across Sid's back, dropping him to the mat. Flying cross-body block, and Jarrett gets a cover, but only a 1-count. Sleeper hold attempt by Jarrett, but Sid hits a power surge, tosses Jarrett into the far ropes and nails him with a Big Boot. Clothesline by Sid, who attempts to set up the chokeslam. Jarrett counters with an eye-poke. Sid recovers, wallops Jarrett some more, and sets up for a powerbomb... And in comes the Mystery Man to save Jeff Jarrett's bacon. We get a double-team beat-down on Sid by Jarrett and MM. We don't get a bell, although Schiavone says the match is busted. As Charles Robinson tries to call for the bell, MM nails him from behind. The Mystery Man then pulls off his mask... ...to reveal Scott Steiner, who has apparently just violated the terms of his two-week suspension. Steiner grabs his lead pipe, and Sid's about to get a double-team lead pipe clothesline... Closing credits. See you next week. E.C. Ostemeyer [slash] wrestling Mail the Author Comment about this article on the EZBoard |
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