|Guest columnist: Alex Carnevale|
I want to show my support for WCW...therefore I'll be reviewing this HUGE pre-pay-per-view show.
Tony and Tenay are on commentary, but they sure ain't at ringside.
Star ratings AND points. This will be wild.
Recapitulation of events from Nitro.
Kidman & Rey Rey v. 3-Count. Your standard stuff, until it picks up as Evan Karagias comes in with a press, but gets dropkicked on a slingshot dropkick. Double KO, and Rey comes in with the Thesz press and Lionsault. He clocks Evan, and hits a swinging DDT on Shannon for two. Evan takes it to Rey with a swinging neckbreaker, and then the 450 for two. Kidman tries the Kid Krusher, but Shannon hits the Bottoms Up for two. Evan is backdropped out of the ring, but Shannon hits Rey with a spin kick. Poetry in Motion by the faces, and then the double team baseball slide to the penis, or the "basement" as Tenay calls it. Broncobuster, and Rey and Evan go to the top. Even is crotched on the top rope, and Rey jumps off onto him on the floor with a Thesz press. Tope by Shannon, crossbody by Kidman. This trainwreck spot is seriously pass›. Kidman goes for the reverse suplex, but Shannon fights out. Kidman holds Shannon as Rey gives him a slingshot dropkick for the pin. Those two need a finisher. *** I think these matches are getting worse. I'm probably just becoming sick of the formula. Kid Romeo and Skipper come to punk out the faces.
1 for 1.
I think there was a skit backstage in which Disco and Alex Wright broke up the Boogie Knights. It was lame, to be sure, but I think it happened.
DDP comes out through the crowd.
DDP- "You know Einsteiner, I know it's gotta be killing you, cause I'm still standing. not only that because this Sunday at Greed I'm gonna be talking loud, lookin' proud and drawing a crowd. I'll be FOUR-TIME FOUR-TIME FOUR-TIME FOUR-TIME...you will never and [crowd chants along] I MEAN NEVER retain the title." I paraphrase the last bit, because god knows I'm not going to watch this atrocity again. Dustin Rhodes come out to a HUGE AND I MEAN HUGE pop. Dustin- "I'm not trying to intrude on your interview time." DDP- "What's up, I'm in the middle of an interview. An interview for my match at Greed." Dustin- "I don't know." Apparently Dustin has no idea why his music played and he entered the ring. Fair enough. Cue the ThunderTron, and some of the Mag Seven.
Flair cuts a promo on videotape on Ric & Dustin. Steiner's off tonight, and it's DDP & Dustin v. Jarrett & Steiner. The heels come out to punk out the champs, but DDP and Dustin clear the ring. DDP's STILL STANDING YOU FUCKERS.
1 for 2.
EZ Money v. Alex Wright. Now this is a 1998 quality Thunder match-up. What's next, the Konnan music video? Tie-up, and Wright unloads a bootful. The ghost of Ric Flair enters the ring and chops Jason, whose tights contain the words SkyFire.
Wright stomps on his fingers, and hits a release backdrop suplex for two. Jason badgers him with the turnbuckle and hits a springing flipping clothesline for two. The After Burner, it's called. Scoop slam and standing moonsault for two. Wright administers the spin kick for two. To the top, and Wright whips out the superplex for two. Schiavone spends more time talks about HOW the guys cover for the pinfall than the moves themselves. Benoit-suplex on the ropes, and Wright knocks Jason off the apron. Cool bridging snap suplex for two. He tries another one, it's reversed into a small package for two. Wright hits a lariat. I ascertain that they're calling EZ Money Jason Jett. Wright thinks about going for the Psycho Driver, but he slaps on a hammerlock. Unfortunately, you can't make Jason quit, most likely because it's not the 1940s. Wright swats a second rope bodypress attempt away. Wright thinks about coming off the top, but upon his crotching, Tenay refers to some kind of sex change joke. Come on Tenay, you're better than that. Springoard clothesline and a dropkick from Jett, but Wright goes for the Dragon suplex, no go, and Jason Jett hits a release vertical suplex, floating Alex Wright up in the air (The Crash Landing) for the pin. **1/2 EZ Money should have stuck with his previous jobber name; as opposed to his current jobber name. Wright looked good, but I'm glad they are finally admitting he's a jobber...even though I secretly long for the days when Steiner v. Wright at the PPV could have happened. If it wasn't for that fucker Nash. Reports say this will lead to a long Alex Wright hiatus.
2 for 3.
Severe commercials. I'm serious, those fuckers were HARSH.
Mag Seven are in the back, and they have a crazy camera that looks like a missile launcher. That shit is scary. Ric schedules Buff v. Luger v. O'Haire v. Palumbo in an elimination match. I guess it doesn't matter if you ruin the tag title match, because nobody gives a shit about it anyway.
Booker T v. Rick Steiner recap. They should really refer back to their feud at Slamboree '99. It would make the rematch that much more important.
They pump the main event. Yeah, that's what I want to see, four white guys in goatees battle. WHO WILL BE THE SOLE SURVIVOR? Guys, the goatee went out in '96. Here's a bunch of razors, go to town.
2 for 4.
AAAAAAAH more commercials. More severe this time than last. Seriously.
Shawn Stasiak (with Stacy) comes out. "SHUT UP LISTEN AND LEARN. STACY WHAT AM I?" Stacy-SHAWN, YOU'RE THE MECCA OF MANHOOD." Shawn- "CORRECT. AND WHY?" Stacy kisses him. Great fucking promo. Reno comes out, he's heard about this bias Stasiak has against bald guys and the shit is on. Tony- "RENO AND THE MECCA OF MANHOOD WILL TIE IT UP HERE."
Reno v. Shawn Stasiak. Reno hits some armdrags and Shawn bails. Oh god, they are trying to get the Mecca of Manhood thing over. I can't do anything but aid them. The Mecca stuns Reno on the ropes, and "lays the smackdown" on Reno (LIKE THE ROCK). Tenay- "It looks like the future is very bright for the Mecca of Manhood." Side-slam for two. Tony admires Reno's hard, hard body. Reno is apparently a renowned pitfighter. Shawn steals Raven's bulldog out of the corner bit. Bastard. The Mecca attacks with a chokehold worthy of the Islamic people. Crowd is dead, to say the least. Gutbuster for two. Reno hits a clothesline and a T-Bone suplex. Reno kicks the Mecca out of the ring, and he consoles himself with Stacy. Reno follows him outside, and you know what happens there. So, so clich›d. Shawn goes to the top and hits an Undertaker-like flying clothesline. Maybe he'll steal that gimmick next. Shawn sets up for the powerbomb, and he hotshots Reno for two. He tries a suplex, but Reno tries the Roll of the Dice. Mecca hits a Rude Awakening for three. 3/4* They wait on Bigelow for awhile, and Bammer finally emerges. CLOTHESLINE! CLOTHESLINE! Stasiak bails. I can't wait to see the horrific match these two will put on PPV.
Oh yeah, that's 2 for 5.
Commercials. Hey, what happened to Mike Sanders? I liked him.
Lex Luger v. Sean O'Haire v. Buff Bagwell v. Chuck Palumbo. This fatal four-way will have a hard time living up to the WWF WM 2000 main event, but I have faith that with a little luck and a lot of planning, they'll come through on their potential. As Buff comes out, I think it's obvious that Vince McMahon will NEVER pick that schlumpshateur up. Totally Buff are obviously going over at the PPV. Faces work as a tag team, with some atrocious tag maneuvers. This match is beyond awful. Luger is such a horrible seller. He does a lot of screaming, that's for fucking sure. At some point Luger signals for The Rack, but no-go. Luger reverses a body slam with Buff's help for the pinfall on Palumbo and the big teddy bear is eliminated. O'Haire pins Luger in the midst of the chaos. O'Haire finishes Buff with the Seanton Bomb to win it. 1/4* God, I didn't know I could be that bored. I don't think I've been as bored since Thunder a year or so ago featured Savage dogging it big-time in his return match with Ed Leslie. That was the worst match I'd ever seen at that point in my life. This doesn't compare, obviously.
2 for 6.
Disco sees Mike Sanders in the back, and asks Mikey to be his partner. Flair asks Sanders to fix the shitter, but he decides to go with Disco after weighing the possibilities. Hilarious bit.
Recapitulation of the Rhodes-Jarrett/Flair feud. Hudson- "That is so OBVIOUSLY not Dusty." Thanks, ass. Hey, remember when the internet liked you? You so OBVIOUSLY sucked.
3 for 7, because of the Sanders riff.
Ric Flair sends Animal away to deal with DDP. Reports say this will lead to an Animal face turn.
Sugar Shane Helms v. Kwee-Wee. Tony acts like Nash's dismissal and Goldberg's dismissal were unfair. I think otherwise. Neat pinning maneuver by Shane. Dropkick for two. KWEE-WEE CHOKES HIM OUT. HE'S A SHOOTER FOLKS. Angry Allan whips out the hotshot-cum-clothesline for two. Hair beal for two. I love how Tony says the word "beal," like it's a dirty word. Back elbow for two. Scoop slam for two. You don't win off the scoop slam, Funk. Allan tries another one to put him away, but Sugar Shane unleashes the armdrag. Shane hits a crossbody to the outside. Tony- "He is so quick!!!" Shane with a flying bodypress for two. Tony talks about how Shane pinned him. Kwee-Wee hits the spinning facejam that used to be his finisher. Northern Lights suplex for two. Shane breaks out the fireman's carry to the knee to set up the superkick. He calls for the Vertebraeker, but it's reversed. Sunset flip from Kwee-Wee for two. Kwee-Wee hits a scoop slam but misses whatever from the top. Shane hits a nasty-looking Vertebraeker for the pinfall. *** Chavo comes out and tries a suplex. Shane comes out and hits the fireman's carry to the knee thing and superkicks Chavo off the apron. Tony- "Will it be the Vertebraeker or will it be The Brainbuster?!?!?!?"
4 for 8.
Disco Inferno & Mike Sanders v. The Locker-Room Leaders (K-Dog and Hugh Morrus). Mike has totally lost the amazing heat he had earlier in the year. Interestingly enough, at one point everyone in this match was over, unlike they are now. Disco and Mike Sanders are working together like Horsemen 2001. This match reminds me of one of the classic Misawa/Kobashi v. Kawada/Taue confrontations Tony acts like the Dungeon of Doom was ancient history. It was '95, you shit. Tony- "Gee whiz, Dungeon of Doom! I can't get over it..." You will die before me, Tony. I have the * rating all prepared for this match. This is so standard. Disco considers going for the Tiger Driver '91 but plays to the crowd instead. Hugh comes in and the Dungeon hits a Hart Attack for two. Disco kicks out and tries the Chartbuster, but Konnan hits the Last Dance a la Spring Stampede '99. Morrus hits the moonsault and Konnan applies the Tequila Sunrise for the submission. * Team Canada finally comes back after awhile to punk out the faces. The heels work over the Page for a heat segment. DDP makes the tag to Dustin, and he's a house on fire.
4 for 9.
Part of the Mag Seven will turn on Flairs' boys, but apparently, it wasn't him. It ain't Flair, it ain't Jarrett, it ain't Luger, it ain't Buff, it ain't Animal, it ain't Rick Steiner. Therefore, it's most likely Scott himself. That's kind of cool.
4 for 10. Would it really hurt to have a match between whoever and whoever for a WCW Title shot on Nitro. A battle royal would do it. It's simple booking, folks.
Dustin Rhodes & DDP v. Rick Steiner & Jeff Jarrett, winner of the pinfall gets the WCW goatee title. DDP comes out from the ring entrance and immediately plays to the crowd. DDP starts us off with perhaps the most bullshit "plancha" in the business. 1 2, no. Rick Steiner is like a sick animal that needs to be shot in the head and put out of his misery. Dustin apes his father's offense, and DDP comes in with a flying clothesline. Jarrett expands his moveset with a DDT, and tag Steiner. Steinerline. Tony- " I think the Steinerline is the best version of the lariat in all of WCW." Rotation bomb for two. This match is so fucking weak. Big heat segment on DDP takes up most of the match. Discus clothesline allows DDP to make the tag, and Dustin's a house afire. Ric comes in and then Jarrett hits El Kabong for the pinfall. * Big brawl ends the show,
4 for 11.
I am stupider for having watched Thunder in its entirety. Pretty useless show this week, with a few decent matches. You know, Russo was always willing to whip out the odd gimmick to keep the TV interesting at least.
WCW Greed line-up:
DDP v. Scott Steiner, WCW Title
This will most likely be a pretty good match. There's no way in hell DDP is going over. That's all that needs to be said. They don't need to overbook this one, I'm sure Page will be happy to simply be in the program.
Booker T v. Rick Steiner, US Title
This one looks to be boring. I would like Booker to win the title here. I'd put him over, even if he's already been World champion. Nevertheless, I think they are putting all the belts on the heels for the big blowoff at The Big Bang, or whatever, if it happens.
O'Haire/Palumbo v. Totally Buff, Tag Titles
Totally Buff are going over here. The match itself will suck balls.
Shane Helms v. Chavo Guerrero, Cruiserweight Title
Shane's going over, and this one will be great...par for the course for both guys.
Dustin Rhodes & Dusty Rhodes v. Jeff Jarrett & Ric Flair
Just what I like to see, another comedy match.
Rey/Kidman v. I Want To Have Sex With Canada, Cruiserweight Tag Titles
This will be good. Everyone is super-talented, except for Kid Romeo, who seems motivated. Tough call here, but I think Rey and Kidman are going over because I don't know what else they'll do at this point in their careers except be inaugural champions. I'm a PrimeTime mark, so I'll be chanting his name.
Kanyon v. The Cat
This feud was relatively well done, and the match should be half-way decent. Fine job by both men.
Team Canada v. Morrus/Konnan
I was kind of pumped for Morrus v. Steiner, but Morrus got jobbed into this match. This shouldn't be bad, but it won't be great. The British Bulldogs are losing.
The Mecca of Manhood v. Bam Bam Bigelow
Yeah right. Bammer's jobbing.
Endgame from me.
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