THE THUNDER ROLLS.....
7/8/99
Greg Dillard sits down at his keyboard and begins to think to himself......
OK, just relax, you've watched the show, you know what you want to say - just say it.
But is it that easy? I mean come on I'm writing the first ever Thunder report on {slash} wrestling, CRZ's very own website. It's got to be good right?
Are you kdding? He's forcing you to record the match lengths! Some "freedom from editing" crusader he turned out to be. One day as a webmaster and the guy becomes part of the establishment.
Hey now, that match length, that's his thing you know? Besides it's not that big a deal to sit there watching tv constantly checking my watch.
Yeah except for the strange looks you get from your friends.
Well you do have a point there....but anyway I need to get writing.
Ok, so what's the style going to be? Are you going to vulgar like Hyatte? That always gets the hits and the teenagers love it. You know, you're being bad when you say things like Clusterfuck and anal sex!
Nah, I mean that whole things been done time and again. Hyatte may be Scoopthis.com's columnist of the year but that just isn't my thing.
Ok, then how about being a know it all. You know like The Netcop Scott Keith. That guy knows every little morsel of wrestling detail and he's a hard ass about enforcing the facts. Go with that gimmick man. Shove the facts down their face. Differentiate a Running Liger Powerbomb from a Short Powerbomb. Explain how WCW is rehashing angles from the UWF days. That's a can't miss man!
Again, I don't think so. That gimmick is wide spread. There are all kinds of writers out there that think they are Gordon Solie and Mike Tenay's alter egos. Just like Hyatte, it's been done.
Ok, I'm running out of ideas here. You can't be a semi-smartass, master of the obscure reference kind of guy. CRZ already has that one down and he runs the damn site. How about just being angry. There are a lot of things in WCW to be angry about. Just rant and rave and call everything a disaster. Just bitch about the booking, lack of continuity in storylines, and talk about how Thunder is barely a step up from WCW Saturday Night! That's a winner.
Well you know, I've thought about that one and althought it's a good gimmick, it too has been done to death, and it's too common right now. It's cool to bash WCW, and that makes it too easy.
Well damn, I'm out of ideas.
Well me too. I guess I'll just see what happens. Who knows I may get a gimmick out of this afterall or I may flame out quickly. Either way I'm still the first Thunder reporter for CRZ.net {Slash}Wrestling. I can do this man....and here goes...
Good evening Nascar fans it's Thursday and that has to mean that for two hours tonight WCW's ratings juggernaut hits the airwaves. No, I'm not talking about WCW Live, it's Thunder.
We're live tonight from The BJCC in Birmingham, Alabama and since I'm not Chris Hyatte I'm not going to comment on the BJ in those initials. Anywhooo...
Mike Teany and "thelivinglegend" Larry Zybysko welcome us to Thunder and we quickly cut to a recap of the "BIG 4" consisting of Kevin "Big Sexy Cool" Nash, Sting, "Psychotic" Sid Vicious, and "Macho Man" Randy Savage. We see the horrible travesty that occurred this past Nitro where the WCW can't miss gimmick- The Fake Sting came and created quite a stir causing Nash to powerbomb Sting.
Interesting, we don't show Mr. Domestic Violence In Action aka Randy Savage. Me thinks WCW wants to sweep this one under the proverbial rug ASAP. Speaking of which I'll mention this because hell, this isn't Wrestlemaniacs anymore. Mike "Micasa" Samuda has gone on the record saying there's no difference between Savage pushing and slapping Torrie Wilson and "Georgeous" George than Road Dogg Jesse James nailing Chyna. Hmmm..that's an interesting theory. One that can't pass the muster, but still an interesting theory. Let's disect this one quickly if we can. Chyna is now being pushed as a wrestler. Not a woman wrestler mind you, but someone that willingly wants to get in there and mix it up with the boys. She climbs into the ring and takes a shot at a wrestler, slut (I had to) or not she's fair game. Torrie and George though? Uh, the last I remembered they were backstage looking like, well like a lot of cleavage really. That's it. Savage went after defenseless women. Angle or not, it's very different.
What? You wanted match recaps? Oh fine.....if I must.
Out to the ring comes our hero Kevin "Big Sexy Cool" Nash. Messieur Nash is decked out this fine evening in his booker (read street) clothes. Nash gives us the usual, he knows what city he's in, he's in the house and then we move forward. He's seen the video of Nitro but he's still mad at Sting. Yeah, that makes zero sense, but let's not get picky this early ok? He's decided to make the Bash At The Beach Main Event a four way dance of sorts. I could've sworn I read that on WCW. com a week ago. I guess I'm losing my mind. The person that pins Nash gets the World Title. That includes Sting. He then gives us his ultra cool smirky look and leaves the ring.
Anyone have any guesses on a winner for the Bash?
We then flash backstage where Ric Flair and his band of merry men and Asya are talking amidst a horrid sound system. In comes THE ICEMAN Dean Malenko. The ICEMAN cometh and he's not happy. Mr. Flair apparently has pulled himself out of the grudge match versus Malenko at BATB. Flair tells Malenko that he'll annouce who it is that Malenko will wrestle at BATB tonight on Thunder . Arn Anderson then tells Malenko that he's through watching things happen. Apparently the balance of power will be swinging soon and Double A will make it happen. Umm, yeah. I'll believe it when I see it. Rmember pulling Barry Windham out of the ring against Flair? That angle really went places Double A.
Promos a plenty
We come back for ANOTHER flashback. This time we see Eddie Guererro and the case of the disappearing wallet. We then see how Eddie outwitted those foolish luchadores into revealing their identites to him. At least I think that's what was going on.
What's this? A match?
Lenny Lane w/ Lodi vs. Eddie Guererro: Lodi comes out with a sign reading "Bring Back Boy George". Gay angle or not, that's just wrong on so many levels. Eddie is getting a ton of face heat from this Alabama crowd. We get into a tid bit of action with Eddie taking it to Lenny until we get a really quick ref bump when Eddie is slamming Lenny. In comes Lodi and Eddie is ready to take 'em both on. The unofficial Gaylords bail out of the ring though when the re-masked luchadores hit the ring and beat down Eddie for making them unmask. A Ravenesque drop toehold into a chair lays out Eddie while Psychosis hits the top rope Guillotine Leg Drop onto Eddie and then the luchadores hit the road. Lenny Lane then runs into the ring and quickly pins Eddie while Lodi tosses the ref back in and he counts the pin. Lenny and Lodi then celebrate with a few hip bumps.
Winner: Lenny Lane by Pinfall (3:30)
Backstage Bret...er Jimmy Hart recruits Silver King and La Parka into the Junkyard match at BATB.
Promos a plenty
We come back and immediatley GENO has The Disco Inferno in the ring. Disco lets us all know that he wants a piece of The Cat at BATB. We find out that The Cat stinks and that he's in for a Brooklyn New York Tushy Kicking. Tushy?
Mercifully we have a match to go to...
Unmercifully it's:
Al Greene vs. Van Hammer: Before the match begins we get a flashback of Flair and Piper giving Hammer his TV Title shot at Rick Steiner at BATB. Before Tony and Larry can even speculate if Flair did it to punish Hammer he nails a Flashback and a Cobra Slam for the pin. Hammer quickly is jumped from behind though by Rick Steiner who beats down Hammer and then leaves the area muttering and I quote "He don't mean damn shit to me". I swear, I'm not making it up! I'm not here to shock you. Email me and I'll send you the video if you doubt me!
Winner: Van Hammer by pinfall (2:45)
Jimmy Hart is at it again. This time Horace Hogan is invited to the JYD memorial tounament, but only if the price is right! C'mon down Horace you're the next contestant....
Promos a plenty : Speaking of...can someone tell me how David Arquette (the guy from those 1-800-CALL-ATT commercials) got a woman like Courtney Cox to marry him? Some things just aren't fair. But I digress...
Once again we hit the way back machine and recap the Bret Hart tribute and speech from Nitro. Gee, a nice choice of music WCW has decided to play over Hart's speech. Nothing like the sound of gunshots to go along with a guy talking about his dead brother.
Promos a plenty
We're back and apparently so is Randy Savage. Mike Tenay lets us know that Team Savage is "in the house" with a anger counselor in tow. Ok, he didn't say Team Savage is "in the house".
Fit Finlay vs. Bryan Knobbs w/ Jimmy Hart: Oh, you WCW bookers are a evil bunch. My first night on the job and these are the matches I get? OY! I know you're going to be shocked but we get some brawling here. We're inside and outside and still no wrestling moves have been executed to this point. Oh and we continue the MUST DO angle of the evening as The First Family of Jerry Flynn and Hugh Morrus hits the ring to beat on Finlay, out comes Steven Regal and Dave Taylor, out comes all the invitees to the JYD memorial tournament. And guess what: We've got a no contest
See above (1:15)
Hey it's a WCW Ringside Release: If you see any movie this year see Star Wars, if you see two movies see Austin Powers, if you see three movies see American Pie.
Actually if you see any movie this year take yourself and your sense of humor and your big fat ass and see South Park: Bigger, Longer, and Uncut. Damn straight hilarious!!!
Promotional Consideration Paid For by: A bunch of products I've never tried to this point in my life. Nope, not even a hot pocket.
We're back and it's hour number 2 and it must be the shank of the evening because we've got GENO in the ring with Roddy Piper and Ric Flair and his band of merry men and Asya.
In a somewhat productive segment Roddy Piper manages to stay a heel the entire 3 minutes he speaks, Ric Flair dances, says "Hot Rod" a couple hundred times, offers to make women out of 3 girls in the front row, and then as an aside books a US Title match at BATB beteween Dean Malenko and David Flair. That's not all, if Flair, David that is, wins on Sunday Geno can get the night with Asya. Now there's a visual I'll never ever get out of my head as long as I pound it against the wall....
Time machine: Hennig and the West Texas Rednecks sing and dance. That Curt Hennig is one talented SOB I reckon.....
Promos a plenty
It's This Week in WCW Motor Sports where we unveil the Goldberg Car for Team WCW. I only mention this promo because Ricky Rachtman is doing it. Ricky Rachtman at a Nascar event? The only person more nervous at a Nascar even than poor Ricky would have to be Ned Beatty. Hey Ricky you sure do got a perty mouth.....oh god, make it stop! Damn you WCW, you and your vile sexual imagery. THUNDER IS PORN!!!!
Ok a WCW hotline plug jars me back to reality....
Another match? Surely you jest. Wrestling fans don't want wrestling, they want tightly woven story lines and action adventure! Oh well, if I must.
Disco Inferno vs. Kidman: Ok right off the bat here I'm calling for a run in by The Cat. It's the style of the night. You know book an entire pay per view all in one night. Anyway we get some decent action as Kidman takes an early advantage but Disco battles back with a clothesline and a swinging neck breaker. Kidman goes to the outside the hard way and we cut to the back to find out Steven Regal has decided he too wants to be involved in the JYD memorial tournament at the pay per view. We then stick to the action and Kidman has mounted a comeback and nails a flying cross body block on Disco. Disco won't stay down though and hits an Atomic Drop but runs into a big boot by Kidman. Another cross body block and a power bomb by Kidman and here comes THE CAT and Sonny Ono. I told you all!! I told you all...I'm as smart as Scott Keith! Oh, sorry I said I wouldn't do that. Anyway, Disco has battled back and nails a piledriver on Kidman that only gets a two count while The Cat lurks outside the ring. Kidman fights back and nails a tornado bulldog but then gets attacked by The Cat for his troubles. The Cat then goes after Disco but side kicks Sonny Ono instead. A Last Dance by Disco and he's set to dance over the fallen Cat. A crotch chop (which Tenay calls "putting a bad mouthing on him") later and we cut to...
No contest ( I think) : (5:25)
Promos a plenty
It's the WCW Road Report with Jimmy Varron and I'm not amused.
Bigelow T-shirt promo
Hey what continuity, out comes The Triad of Kanyon, Bam Bam Bigelow, and DDP.
DDP has the microphone while Kanyon and BBB seemingly do sound effects in the background. Basically whether you love DDP or not, you'll never forget him. Basically Saturn and Benoit have been getting wins only because they are no good, rotten, yellow bellied, coward, cheaters. Oh, and something about Badda Bing, Badda Boom, Badda Bang.
Tenay tells us to come back for Kanyon vs. Benoit.
Pornos a plenty : Just seeing if you're paying attention
Kanyon vs. Chris Benoit with Dean Malenko's ring music for some reason: The Triad acts like they are doing paper, scissors, rock to see who'll get chopped to death tonight even though Tenay has already spilled the beans. Oh suprise Kanyon steps in the ring and we're underway. We go back and forth early with some brawling. A missed Kanyon elbow leads to a trademark Benoit snap suplex. That leads to a footrace outside the ring where Kanyon uses an old trick (according to Zybysko) and nails Benoit coming back in. That won't keep the crippler down though and he fights back with chops that make me cringe. A nasty short armed clothesline and then Benoit gives Kanyon a big old farmblow for good measure. We go outside and Benoit is still chopping down the Giant Russian, whoops sorry that's from Rocky IV, I mean Kanyon, I don't think he's Russian...or is he and this whole Jersey thing is a farce? Kanyon battles back with a suplex outside the ring while Tenay tells us that Team Savage has been banned from the ring by WCW tonight. Gee wouldn't have anything to do with domestic abuse would it? Anyway, Kanyon has Benoit back in the ring and hits a slow motion top rope rocker dropper for a two count. An elbow drop gets a two count for Kanyon as well. Benoit fights back but Kanyon hits a modified powerbomb but gosh darnnit he's too tired to make a cover. Kanyon does have enough energy to drag himself up and slap Benoit around a little though. Out of nowhere Benoit hits a DRAGON SUPLEX (!!!) for a 2 count. He then puts Kanyon into a top rope SUPERPLEX (!!). The duo then trade blows until it's rolling german suplex time although Benoit only hits two of them. Somewhere, someone just had to drink a whole beer I think. Oh jeez, here comes Bam Bam. Benoit going for the swan dive but Bam Bam crotches him on the top rope. Out comes Saturn to take on Bam Bam. Inside Benoit locks on the Crippler Crossface but Kanyon doesn't tap. Bigelow has climbed the ropes and goes for a diving headbutt but Benoit gets out of the way and it hits Kanyon. Saturn abuses Bigelow and Benoit hits his Swan Dive for a 3 count while DDP tries desperately to get in the ring. DDP makes it in and Diamond Cuts Benoit and then he and Bigelow give Saturn a SUPER DIAMOND CUTTER for good measure.
Winner by Pinfall: Chris Benoit (10:50)
Promos a plenty: There was one for this new movie "The Wood". Does that look good to anyone?
We're back and we recap the wonderful Megadeath performance which blasted the ratings all the way up to a big old 2.1 quarter hour. Oh yeah, some guy named Goldberg is back too.
Even more Promos
It's main event time folks and what a main event we have for you tonight...
Konan with Mini-K and the No-Limit Soljas vs. Curt "A Real Song and Dance Man" Hennig with the West Texas Rednecks: Konan starts off with an arm drag and a botched bulldog and then a DDT but then takes a shot at Kendall Windham. That's all Hennig needs to recooperate and follow up with several chops and a knee lift. Konan comes back with his full arsenal though of a somersault clothesline, and the Michael Jackson spin move-Face Buster combo. Hennig manages to throw Konan out of the ring though and it degenerates into a 4 on 4 battle outsie the ring. Somewhere in the muck Hennig and Konan end up alone in the ring where Konan has The Tequila Sunrise hooked on. Well, in comes Barry Windham with a cowbell to the skull of Konan .Hennig knows opportunity when he sees it and makes the pin for a 3 count. The cowboys retreat to the back and that entertainmer Curt Hennig still manages to give us a little two step and a vocal solo to boot.
Winner by pinfall: Curt Hennig (3:00)
Wait a minute, I made it.. Let's see now's the part where I'm supposed to recap the total in ring action I think. Well I know there's not much, I could probably just say that, I mean you all can add just as well as me can't you? Maybe not? Ok, well here it is then...
6 matches: Total Ring Time 25:00 minutes
You've been a great audience, I'm here all week! Be sure to tip your bartenders and waitresses. ...
Greg Dillard
Wrestlingworld.com
Want to see more of my attempts at humor?
http://www.wrestlingworld.com
gregcd@msn.com
