/22 July 1999
|Guest columnist: Usenet's mdb|
Hello? Is this thing on? Can anyone hear me? Checking, one, two. Two.
First match because I believe in getting right to the action instead of opening with 20 minute monologues.
I get jazzed when Kaz Hayashi comes out. It all goes away in seconds as Hammer walks out. Please Hammer, don't hurt him. hahaha. Kaz makes the big guy look good and God help us the crowd cheers Hammer. This was a good match ruined by Hammer going over. *sigh*
Ok. Now that that is out of the way, let me ramble on and on for a bit. First, thanks to CRZ for the opportunity to ramble on like this. Second, when Skeith gets Smackdown, I should get the Thunder. I want the chance to put myself over while subverting a corporate website. They need to bring balance to the forces behind Wrestlemaniacs. And don't give me that 'Mark Madden does a column for the site,' I bet Mark doesn't even know his stuff is showing up there.
This is the world's first interactive report. Here's the deal. Everytime I write THUNDER!, you the reader needs to cry out "Thunder!" at the top of your voice, flip the lights on and off real quick a couple of times and make some thuder sound effects. Let's try it once. THUNDER! Neat, huh?
Back to the show. There are some Nitro recaps and stuff, just go read CRZ's report if you're curious about that show.
What the? Brandi Alexander? A woman's match? Miss Madness is the opponent. This match is like the best match this week. Spot of the match is Miss Madness reversing a boston crab into a pinning combination.
Megadeth video with Goldberg clips inserted. You know "Crush 'Em" is sooo close to having a disco beat. If Goldberg's old theme gets replaced by this, you know Eric is mad at him for having to shell out the extra money. I think Bryan Adams should have the Megadeth song for a theme. No Cuts Like a Knife jokes here. Hey, I saw Glacier! The fans chant Goldberg.
Hey! The crowd got the memo that Hennig and the Rednecks are heels as they boo the quartet (hey, wouldn't a barbershop quartet be a cool gimmick?) Hennig does a gumkick instead of a gumslap. Drat, it took me weeks to perfect the gumslap and now I have to start working on the kick. I have to wonder what Hennig keeps calling Goldberg to get it censored. Goldturd maybe? You can say Megacrap but not Goldturd? You know I saw a gold turd once. I was, oh wait, you don't want to hear stories about my life, this is the THUNDER! report.
Hennig vs. Chase Tatum O'Neil. Noted spot of the match is Hennig passing on the chance to slap on a Steiner recliner to let Chase escape it to tap out and then put himself back in.
A very funny spot has Leni and Lodi in the backstage area suddenly spotting Sid agaisnt whom they have a mtach tonight. They duck out of sight, Sid walks by looking like an evil bad guy looking for someone to hurt. Scene wraps wih Jimmy Hart suggesting to Leni and Lodi they get a doctor to come to the ring with them. I kind of wish I' taped this. I liked the "Here he omes!" line.
Hey, Page plays a sniper in some TBS made for cable movie First Daughter. Insert <Bang> joke here. Hey, the gay guy from Melrose Place is in it. You know in real life he stole Sydney (Laura Leighton) from Jake (Uhhh Grant Show? something like that. who really cares.) I'm glad Melrose got canceled. It's what they get for killing off Sydney, especially when she had finally found true love and happiness, even if it was with that little punk from Baywatch (I've been told) who didn't deserve her. For some reason Tenay goes on about Harlem Heat vs. Triad as I typed that bit about Melrose. I wonder if Barry Melrose will continue to call his little segment on ESPN Melrose's Place. Go Canes!
Juvy and Psic vs. Eddy and Rey. THUNDER! is the BEST wrestling program on TV today! You know I read about Jericho's last WCW match. My fingers are crossed but what does it profit a man if he gains the world and losses his soul? Yeah, he'll have some good matches, yeah he'll have lots of great sports entertainment bits, yeah he'll get to the top there quicker than in WCW (he's instantly the best thing in the WWF, period.) but his chances of ever having a **** match (sans Foleyesque brawling) is so, so low. The chances of him having a *** match on free TV are right at zero. Why am I going on about this here? Well because 1. doing play by play isn't my specialty, 2. words can't do justice to the moves, and 3. they took a commercial break 3 minutes in. I don't mind commercial breaks 10 minutes into a 20 minute match, but when it's because they squander half the segment for recaps and junk. Anyway, I'm dying to hear some Rey/Eddy promos. I want to see how this anti-LWO angle will go. This match wasn't a fourth of what it could or should have been.
Thunder plays a two minute preview for The Haunting, opening this week. I resist the temptation to start talking about Liam which will lead me to 100line rants about The Phantom Menace, or Zeta Jones which will get me all on about Mask of Zorro which was my favorite summer movie last year.
Clip from Arliss. You know, normally I watch this show on tape and get through it in 45 minutes with all this kind of stuff FFWDed through. I guess I sort of understand now how Skeith isn't as enthusiastic about the BEST wrestling program on TV today, THUNDER! I wonder if wrestling is real in Arli$$ the way Arli$$ is real on Nitro.
Savage comes out with 4 er, wait that's CRZ's joke. Except he was saying Medusa 6 and now it'll have to be like the Gorgeous 4. Savage wants your vote this November. He's not impressed by Rodman. Miss Madness gets fired. Don't hit her, Savage, they might put the world title on you again! He makes her get on her knees to beg. I frantically push my fast forward button, but I'm stuck in real time. I guess we're down to the Gorgeous 2. Savage drops Nash's name. Promises a new Miss Madness. I think Savage was jealous that Miss Madness was a better wrestler than he is. I suppose I should say something about the polkadot outfit with cane and top hat that George was wearing.
Rick Steiner defends the TV title. I go to fix my dinner. I come back and the match is over. Presumably no one was injured in this match. If any one wants to email be the results of the match, I'll pass them on next week if CRZ let's me do this again. If CRZ doesn't let me do this again or if no one emails me the results, then I guess you'll go to your grave never knowing which serves you right for missing the BEST wrestling program on TV today, though not always and for every match of the night, THUNDER! Of course if you were watching, you know who Rick wrestled and you won't go to your grave never knowing who he wrestled. But then if you saw the show why are you reading this? Who's reading this, period? Oh well, you can always get the results on Wrestleline with Skeith's Thunder Rant, but you don't really want to do that, do you?
I wonder how Skeith's rant is going. I'm sure he's doing more justice to the show, but I bet my jokes are funnier and my references are more obscure.
Hey, a promo for Mr. Alex Wright. Berlyn. Got a bad feeling about this one. He should get "Metro" for his theme music. see? See?
Recap of Nash/Rick Steiner alliance and Nitro main event. blah, blah, blah.
Kevin Nash phones it in, literally! Ha! I bet Skeith does that joke too. Tag match made for Nitro, he's got a surprise partner, a friend of 9 years. Hmmm, 1990. What was Nash doing then? Hey, maybe it's Al Greene! The Master Blasters Masters Reunion everyone has been screaming for! The original Outsiders! Nash really should have taped this to air. Voice over phone just doesn't cut it.
Hey, I can go on about Mystery Men because some of them were on WWf this week. Ben Stiller was about as funny as Debra is attractive. I resist the temptation to begin ranting against Something About Mary.
Sid squashes Lodi and Leni. Sid does some sloppy work and at least in one place looks like he almost injures Leni. No one in the crowd cares. Best moment of the match was when Lodi tried to play Rock, Scissors, Paper with Sid. Well he didn't, but he should have.
I'm starting to reconsider my BEST wrestling program on TV claims.
Flair vs. Malenko. What can I say about this match? Half of the match takes place during a commercial break. It's going along nicely with a spot where Flair tries to leave and Saturn and Benoit show up to stop him in the aisle. From there though, the Triad come out and the result is Flair rolls up Malenko for the win. Better luck next time. Dean needs to get a hold that doesn't result in him always losing. Hey, if Flair joins the Triad, there will be four of them.
The Chimp Channel comes on playing the 2001 Theme (Thus Sprak Zerathustra by Robert Strauss). It's all a conspiracy by the Egos that Be against Ric Flair!
And that's the end of the show. It's been fun. Except for the show itself which was pretty lousy and worthless. Oh well.
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For those of you just dying to know, it was Sick Boy in the TV title match, and mdb made the right choice by fixing dinner instead of watching the match. - CRZ