/5 August 1999


Guest columnist: Peter Stork



OPEN LETTER TO WRESTLELINE: Next time you hold a chat with someone the stature of Dave Meltzer, how about making it so that people can actually get in? Yes, it helps if you don't try to log on 14 minutes in, but still...

LAST MONDAY: We open with a clip from Nitro's "main event," complete with Hogan's weak-ass chair shot, and Kevin Nash doing exactly what I was wishing for. Could we just freeze the shot of Hogan laying there for a while, so I can revel in it?

Logo (Insert Jewish joke here) / Opening "Credits"

We are LIVE! from the Lacrosse Center in Lacrosse, Wisconsin (don't they make beer there?), where WCW will attempt to break last Thursday's world record, where Thunder contained 4 matches in 2 hours. Congrats, and good luck! Tenay says we're in the home of "beers and brats," meaning I was right. Mikey also reminds us we're just 9 days before "Hog Road Wild," which, if you haven't heard the official announcement yet, will suck.

(Regarding last week's Thunder, for the two of you who didn't read it afterwards, several of the matches taped for last week involved Fit Finley, who of course was hurt horribly the Saturday after the taping, and they had to scrap the matches. That's what you get for taping out of order, Eric!)

The Terrible Twosome talk about Sid, with Larry comparing him to Frankenstein. Tenay tells us Goldberg will be in action, and-YES! DDP vs. Benoit, Part II. That's more like it.

(GENTLEMAN) CHRIS ADAMS v. PRINCE IAUKEA - Isn't Iaukea some sort of heel now? He sneers on the way out, confirming my weak recollection. Larry talks about Nash and says "swerve," trying to get me excited. Adams controls early with punches, then a lariat and a back body drop off the ropes follow. Mike and Larry ignore the match- surprised? Prince outside talking with fans, now the announcers finally mention the match. Prince (it's easier to type) back in, and controls with a couple kicks. Snapmare, legdrop, one count on the attempt. Iaukea pulls on his hair, but referee "I can see!" Nick Patrick will have none of it. Elbow from Prince. Adams in the corner tries a powerbomb, but Iaukea turns it into a back bodydrop. Headlock to kill time..uh oh...it's "the monster," as Larry puts it, Sid. Prince is down, but into the ring comes Mr. Softball. Adams tries to take him down, POWERBOMB >from Sid. (DQ 2:37) Patrick makes the three count as Sid pins Adams. Iaukea tries a missile dropkick, Sid catches him. POWERBOMB. Tony Gwynn is now at the plate in St.Louis, trying for hit #2998 on my other TV. A couple more powerbombs, but Sid ain't doing nothing worthy of mention. He's got a mic, finally. "See, you pathetic (something), you can send Goldberg, you can send Hogan, you can send Sting..." he babbles on, and I honestly can't understand half of what he says. He mentions the year 2000, says we won't remember the previously mentioned people, and a "GOLDBERG" chant strikes up. Gwynn didn't get a hit. I think Sid may be fighting Goldberg tonight, but he isn't very clear. The year 2000 is mentioned again, then the phrase "Millennium Man." Sid's music strikes up, and according to Mike, the locker room's been put on notice. Waste of time.

GRAPHIC: Sid vs Sting, August 14th, Road Wild. Wow.

Atlanta Braves promo. 2nd place!

"Think DDP's one bad dude?" CHAT! CHAT! CHAT! Maybe you can actually get into that one. It's not like he's Meltzer, or something.

Universal Soldier commercial #1

Hotline plug from Mike, including "retirement" news about one of "WCW's most notable names."

NOT THE NARCISSIST SCOTTY RIGGS v. BUFF THE STUFF BAGWELL in a "Remember the American Males?" Match - Mike MENTIONS the American Males right as I type that, which blows me away. THEN he mentions how they split up, and this "continuity" thing is freaking me out. I've been calling Mike "Tony" on occasion, but have corrected most. If you notice a "Tony" in here, that's why. "Helen Keller" Mickey Jay's your ref. Scotty with the mirror. Buff takes the mic: "The American Males thing is done, and so are you. It's time you rode your own coattails, which you've got some it looks like, but tonight I'm going to show you again that I'm Buff, and you're not the stuff." Groundbreaking stuff, Marcus. Buff grabs the mirror to start, and adjusts his hair. Riggs takes offense and goes to clothesline Buff, but misses, and is treated to two atomic drops for his trouble. Buff with a dropkick, and Riggs rolls out. Back in, he takes control and sends Bagwell down with a dropkick, and proceeds to do Buff's little dance. Now Bagwell's angry, and he treats his former tag team partner to a couple rights and a dropkick, the 126th of the match. A swinging neckbreaker follows, sending Riggs to the corner, and a 10-count punch >from Bagwell follows. Scotty goes down face first in the other corner...ah, he was going for the mirror. He nails Buff, then a side slam, a couple of elbows, and a dropkick. While Buff recovers, Scotty goes for the mirror, but takes just a glance, then chokes Bagwell against the ropes. Must we have a neck spot EVERY Bagwell match? I know it's logical, but...oh, well. A couple of kicks follow, then he chokes Buff with his leg and poses. Snapmare and a chinlock on Buff.. Mark McGwire's coming to bat, looking for homer #500 in St.Louis. Bagwell takes his time fighting out. Two token gutshots. The dropkick >from Riggs misses as Buff holds the ropes. A whip from Riggs and a missed lariat, then a double clothesline and Jay administers the 10-count. Both men up...IBLOCKYOURPUNCHYOUDON'TBLOCKMINE from Buff, then a couple of rights, a hip toss, and a couple of clotheslines. No homer for Big Mac. Two count for Bagwell, but a jawbreaker from Scotty afterwards. Riggs puts Buff on the top turnbuckle and goes for the Superplex, Buff blocks it with a couple rights, and Riggs goes down to the mat, with Buff standing up top. Hmm. BUFF BLOCKBUSTER. 1..2..3...(6:25) That was acceptable, I guess.

First Daughter w/DDP trailer #1

First Daughter ad #2- SAME DAMN BREAK!

This Saturday night: Harlem Heat! The Cat! Eddy! Hugh Morris and Jerry Flynn! B.A. and Big Swoll! The Monster (Sid)! It's WCW Saturday Night...I'll be at work, and my VCR will be unused!

Harlem Heat promo, with NO revisionist history. Odd for WCW.

Mike and Larry chat about Harlem Heat, and we get a nice "Larry" chat as the Legend babbles on. Triad-Harlem Heat graphic, and THAT'S IT?

This portion of Thunder is brought to you by: Wrangler, and THAT'S IT?

Slim Jim ad. So when are the spots with Gorgeous George coming out?

COURTESY OF THE CBS NETWORK: It's DDP TV, according to Mike, as we see clips from Page's appearance on Late Late Show last night with Craig Kilborn. Problem is, we have no audio for the first few seconds, and then we cut out abruptly 'cause the audio we do get sounds horrible. Mike says "mainstream"; take a drink.

KIDMAN v. EDDY GUERRERO - My prayers have been answered! Billy comes out and the crowd pops big. Good. But wait...Kidman and Rey-Rey are aligned, but so are Eddy. We'll see how bad WCW screws this one up. They mention Eddy's car accident, but not the fact that both men are friends with Mysterio. Eddy with a head toss, but Billy's unfazed. Kidman wants to shake hands; Eddy thinks about it but declines. Arm drag by Eddy; Kidman flips out but is knocked down by Eddy off the ropes. Billy throws Guerrero into the ropes, and is once again knocked down. Eddy off the ropes, a Kidman leapfrog, Kidman down and he kicks Eddy straight up. Kidman follows up but a back body drop sends him outside. Billy's on the apron; Eddy grabs his head and tries a turnbuckle smash but Kidman says "no" and does it to Eddy instead. Kidman up top, Eddy tries to knock him down Kidman with a right sends him to the mat. Head scissors takedown by Kidman, but Eddy recovers with a elbow to the groin after a blocked suplex attempt by Kidman. "Eddy sucks" chant is strong. Another head scissors as Kidman gets up. Eddy outside; pescado by Kidman. A commercial? BIG surprise. Damn we actually see wrestling.

Foot Locker commercial with Bob Vila clone...why not just buy Vila? Meanwhile, the Padres lead the Cards 2 to 1 in the 2nd. No hits for Gwynn; no HRs for McGwire. Damn.

Eddy has Kidman up in a surfboard-like submission when we come back; Mike calls it a "Gory special" saying Eddy's father invented it. Eddy starts to spin, and Mike adds a "2000" to the moniker. Two count. Eddy up on the ropes, and a head-scissors; two count. Eddy: YOU CAN'T POWER BOMB KIDMAN! Two count for Kidman; Larry sounds surprised that Kidman could reverse a powerbomb like that. Huh? Bulldog by Kidman, but the Shooting Star's thwarted as Eddy knocks Kidman down. He goes up top...Superplex! Both men take their time, and Eddy finally rolls on top of Kidman for a two count. Kidman with right hands, a whip is reversed by Eddy, and a tilt-a-whirl backbreaker on Billy. Two count. Another "Eddy sucks" chant. Off a whip, Eddy catches Kidman in the air, and tries to powerbomb him on the rope. BOTH men go over the top.
VAMPIRO is out, and as Eddy gets back in the ring he's promptly knocked down. Nail in the Coffin from Vampiro, called the "Vampiro Spike" by Tenay. The ref Johnny Boone is outside helping Kidman, so he has no idea what's going on. No bell. Kidman's back up, and protests Vampiro's interference. Kidman climbs up for the Shooting Star Press, but jumped onto Vampiro outside instead. Kidman throws Vamp in, and both Eddie and Kidman go off on him. Boone calls for the bell. (NO CONTEST 9:39) REY MYSTERIO's out to join his two friends. Short powerbomb by Kidman, moonsault >from Rey. FROGSPLASH on Vamp as Rey and Kidman hold him down. Well done.

Tinactin Replay: Kidman laying out Vampiro; Eddie's frog splash.

RINGSIDE RELEASE: Not First Daughter? Nope, it's Mystery Men. Maybe Ben Stiller will show up later in the show. Ya think?

CHAD BROCK: It's not the smoke, it's the fire. Nice. What the hell does it have to do with wrestling?

I hear rap. Uh-oh...

B.A. and SWOLL (with No-Limit Loser) v. LENNY and LODI - A few "hootie hoos" from the audience. Idiots. Sign: "LODI RULZ" That's in the audience, I'm afraid. The two read their "going down" sign audibly. A "Richard Gere 4 Best Actor" sign. I saw Runaway Bride this weekend, and it sucked. And I have no real problem with chick flicks. B.A. and Lenny start. Hootie-hoo from B.A. Lenny acts gay towards B.A, then goes to hug Lodi. Aw, how cute. Arm drag from B.A., then a head toss and Lenny claims he's grabbing his hair. That's what you get for wearing pigtails. Another arm drag, and a sweet dropkick >from B.A. Tag to Lodi; big "Lodi" chant. Huh? Tag to Swoll as Lodi takes his time coming in. Swoll flexes; Lodi grabs one arm and Lenny grabs the other...they're thrown off, then a scoopslam for both. Lenny's thrown outside...Lodi rolls out to console his "partner." Lenny back in, even though Lodi's the legal man. Boot, arm drag, tag to B.A. Elbow >from the second rope by B.A., then a whip towards Lodi, and Lenny's partner grabs and holds him. Lodi gets a clothesline for his trouble. Lenny grabs B.A. and chokes him on the rope. McGwire's at the plate. Ref is distracted, and the Gaylords double team. Two count for Lenny. 500! MCGWIRE GOES DEEP! Back to wrestling now. Still the double team, and the ref "20/20 Vision" Billy Silverman ignores it. Lodi gets a two count. They trap B.A. in the corner, Lenny tags in, but off a whip the Gaylords collide. B.A. makes the hot tag to Swoll, who cleans house with clotheslines. Scoopslam on both men, then they're thrown into the same turnbuckle and a lariat from Swoll means business. As the two go down, Lenny is on all fours, with Lodi behind him on his knees. A perfect doggy-style position. Insert your own B.A.-Road Dogg joke there. All four men are in now, but briefly as Swoll throws Lodi out. B.A. sends Lenny into the corner, and Swoll whips B.A. into him to give more force to a lariat. Whip by B.A. on Lenny, met with a heartpunch by Swoll, goodnight. (5:50) Well, at least McGwire homered.

Tenay warns other tag teams to beware of Swoll and B.A. I don't think they'll lose much sleep, quite honestly.

Nash-Hogan promo. No narration. What, they expect us to remember WCW history?

Promotional consideration paid for by the following: Slim Jim, Naya, AOL, Motel 6, Tinactin. That's more like it.

Universal Soldier commercial #2

Advance Auto Parts WCW Motorsports report. At least Riki's been banned >from Nitro. Is your race car driver afraid of Goldberg?

I'm missing Family Guy for this.

KISS! August 23rd! Shiavone paints his face! Who cares! Mike says wrestlers are impressed with Kiss. Right.

THE BAMMER (with...music?) v. BOOKER T - Wow, this matchup makes sense. Mike and Larry debate over who'll win the Hogan/Nash matchup. That's why people love Hudson so much- he knows HOW to sell a wrestling product. Bigelow yells at Booker as Nick Patrick tries to separate them before the bell. According to Tenay, Hogan isn't taking any phone calls right now. Wow! I better buy the PPV, then! A bit of stalling to start, then a scoopslam by BBB after Booker tried an arm drag. More stalling, as the fans argue amongst themselves, literally, as it looks like a man in the front row is getting into it with a guy off camera. Larry and Mike mention Hudson, meaning they're talking more about announcers than the match. Blazing new ground, they are. Hudson won't be on Saturday Night. If Tony is, then rejoice, 'cause that's the change EVERYONE wants. Arm drag by Booker, then he circles around BBB, but is knocked down off the ropes. Bigelow sends him down again, but after a whip, Booker leapfrogs and dropkicks him out of the ring. Bammer takes his time getting up, and he looks almost legitimately hurt. Patrick checks on him we take a break, and I do NOT protest as BBB looks banged up a bit.

David Arquette commercial #1.  This is Courteney Cox's husband. Life ain't fair.

Bigelow's choking Booker in the ring as we return. A chinlock, and Booker fights out. The two token gutshots, then a whip, but it's reversed sending Mr. T to the corner. Boot from Booker, but a powerslam by Bigelow as Booker fails to follow up. Two count. Bigelow misses a lariat. Flying elbow from Booker. Axe kick, breakdance, slam by Booker. Missile dropkick- nope. Page is out, and Booker is down. Greetings from Asbury Park [slash] Diamond Cutter is useless, as Patrick throws it out. (
DQ? 6:59) DAVID FLAIR is out with spray paint, and Booker gets sprayed with what Mike calls the "Mark of the Triad" (a circle with a "3" in the middle, in yellow.) That's original. STEVIE RAY runs in, but Flair introduces him to the US title. Where's Benoit? Now Flair sprays Stevie, and that's it.

Replay of the powerbomb on Hogan. Thank you!

1-800-CALLATT road report. What happened to the chick?

Gwynn's at the plate...nope. Still at 2998.

Saturn's got a T-shirt now, and he wears it to swim in a kiddie pool, play tennis, and sit in Eric Bischoff's chair. No comment.

DON'T MAKE FUN OF THE DEAF! Closed captioning brought to you by Meineke. I mean it, too.

MEAN GENE works tonight! He mentions the Vikings, the Packers, AND the Saints. Uh-oh. WHAT UP, MATCH? Gene says Savage is "a man on a mission." If his mission is to be bleeped, then yep, you're right. From CRZ's Nitro wrap: "Although Gene says he's accompanied by Gorgeous George, he's actually not." Same thing tonight. Gene says something is missing; make your own joke here. They establish it's George, and the crowd chants "We want George!" Okerlund brings up Rodman, and Mach guarantees AND promises from "the bottom of his Macho heart" that Rodman will no longer be a wrestler when he's done with him. Nash and Hogan are brought up, and Savage touches his crotch. Huh? Does this man WANT to be suspended? Macho calls Gene "the greatest broadcast journalist in the world today," and I laugh my ass off. Savage says he has a statement to make, four, in fact. Gene wants it for the hotline, and Savage says Okerlund has a clip-on tie. How nice. His statement? Right now, apparently, Nash and Savage are holding hands. That and Savage is the master of mind games. That and someone, the "baddest person on the planet" will be bodyguarding George at Road Wild, and that person - IS THE DRIVER OF THE HUMMER. What the fuck?! The hummer angle is back! Well, that revelation was somewhat okay, I guess. The rest of the interview sucked, though. Five bucks says it's Steiner, as in Scott.

HOLLYWOOD SQUARES: According to Page, Richard Simmons lit the torch at the 1996 Olympic Games. I KNEW he was an idiot.

First Daughter commercial #3

Universal Soldier commercial #3

This portion of Thunder is brought to you by:10-10-321...what, no one-zero-one-zero-321? I guess only Bischoff speaks binary.

Chad Brock on Nitro! Chris Jericho on Raw! You choose!

DIAMOND DALLAS PAGE (with The Bammer and the recently abducted Chelsea Clinton) v. GOD - We see clips from Benoit's win over DDP on Monday; Page starts to talk in the middle of the clip, and is shut up. Unfortunately, only until the recap ends. "You love me...delivers the goods...2-time." Come on, sing along! DDP says Kanyon just bought a new million dollar home, and does a "who's better than Kanyon?" Guess the results. Mother joke towards Benoit, who SNEAKS UP behind him out of nowhere. A million chops send DDP down, boot, clothesline sends Page out, then a pescado on both men. More chops, and a head bash into the turnbuckle. Many boots to the midsection, and a snap suplex. A baseball slide to Bigelow misses, but Benoit wails away on BBB until DDP sneaks up and takes advantage outside. Chris is sent into the safety rail, then the steps. Page throws him back in; powerbomb. Two count. Page gives the diamond cutter sign, but Benoit comes back with yet more chops. Page knocks him down, side suplex. The announcers ignore all this, since they HAVE to discuss the Hummer angle. Abdominal stretch, and DDP grabs the ropes when ref Billy Silverman ain't looking. Benoit fights his way out and goes back to the chops; Page catches him but his whip is reversed. German suplex #1 gets two, the second gets two, and the third is blocked as Page grabs the rope. Silverman intervenes and the third is delivered, but Page slips out of the bridge. DAVID FLAIR is out again, but Benoit's ready and Junior's down. Scoopslam on Page. THUMB ACROSS THE THROAT...SWANDIVE HEADBUTT- TITLE BELT! Page had the tag title belt on his forehead, and the three count is academic. (4:24) Oh, well. Redemption will come at Sturgis.

First Daughter commercial #4

ROCCO ROCK (w/Johnny Grunge and two burned bridges) v. GOLDBERG - Huh? I smell a BIG squash. Well, actually, it'll be a DQ as twelve people interfere. Grunge has a Packers jersey, and blows his nose on it. Gee, ya think they're heels? Mike calls "Crush 'Em" familiar music, and I beg to differ. No audible chant as Goldberg comes out. Mickey Jay's the ref. Spear. Jackhammer. Splat. (:12) Okay, not really. BIG chant now. We're stalling big time to start. A minute in, still nothing. Lockup; Goldberg throws him to the mat. Knockdown as Rocko comes off the rope. Gorilla press slam, called a "Goldberg press slam" by Tenay. Both men in, both men down. PE stays outside, as the chant strikes up again. This match sucks. Rocco's back in, and he's thrown into the corner. He gets a couple rights in, but Goldberg says "screw this" and throws him across the ring. Corner-to-corner whip; lariat from Goldberg misses, but a crossbody from Rocco fails as Goldberg catches him and sends him down. There's a chair in the ring now thanks to Grunge, and Rocco's got it. Ref bump. Chair to Goldberg, and Public Enemy sends him down together with a quasi-double-powerbomb. They drag in a table, but they're taking too much time setting it up in the corner. Goldberg up- BOTH MEN SPEARED INTO THE TABLE. Jackhammer. Splat. (4:49) This match was so slow I was able to type everything live during the match, with no typos. It actually wasn't too bad at the end, though. They bring up the word millennium a few more times for now reason.

Replay w/credit box. Spear. Jackhammer. Bye-bye!

TAKING STOCK: 7 matches, 40:43, one interview, almost no Nitro recaps. Not too bad. Just nothing special.

How long 'til Smackdown?

Peter Stork

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Guest column text copyright (C) 1999 by the individual author and used with permission