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/5 August 1999

WCW Thunder


Guest columnist: Justin Jones


This WCW Thunder recap made possible by "Renaissance Man" CRZ -- the Leon Batista Alberti of webmasters --and by viewers like you.

WCW Thunder -- The One With All The Dusty

Let Us Take You Back To Last Monday On Nitro where Sid was choking Sting, and where the only thing worse than Bischoff's commentary were Hogan's faggy little chairshots to Rick Steiner's and Sid's heads.

WCW Starfleet Logo

Opening Credits (w/ TV-PG-DLV) with an inexplicably prominent "Hollywood" sign in BIG letters

It's WCW Thunder! Live from LaCrosse, Wisconsin!

Your hosts are Mike Tenay and Larry Zybysko. Tonight! Goldberg returns to action! Zybysko babbles about Mary Shelley predicting the future in Sid Vicious in a vain attempt to sound intellectual! Also tonight-DDP versus Chris Benoit!

Snickers -- why wait?

Gentleman Chris Adams v. Prince Nakimaki -- Tenay again shows the symptoms of his rather persistent case of "memory" and says "AWA" in order to either appease or antagonize Bischoff, take your pick. Adams starts off with a clothesline attack, ducked by Iaukea, and now both men are trading punches. Repeated forearm shivers by Adams. Eyepoke by Iaukea, now with a side headlock. Adams pushes the Prince into the ropes, whip, off the ropes, and Adams goes down from Iaukea's shoulderblock. Iaukea off the ropes, hops over Adams, off the ropes again, ducks Adams' clothesline, off the ropes again, but this time Adams hits him with the forearm. Adams over to Iaukea, who greets him with blows to the midsection. Adams whips Iaukea, off the ropes, back body drop. Iaukea rolls out to the concrete to stall. That's Southern Style wrasslin'. Southern Pacific, that is. Iaukea back in, kick to Adams' gut. Punch, elbow by Iaukea, now a punch from Adams, Adams with repeated forearm shivers. Eye gauge by Iaukea. Snapmare takeover by the Prince, legdrop across Adams' throat. Cover, 1, 2, no. Knee to Adams' back with a rear chinlock by Iaukea. Now the Prince with an elbow to the back of Adams' head. Headbutt to Iaukea's gut by Adams! Adams with a piledriver attempt...reversed into a back body drop! Iaukea is pumped, and this crowd is inexplicably hot. Side headlock by Iaukea. And now, as fans of Dusty have come to expect, all eyes turn to the entrance ramp where Psycho(tic) Sid is coming out. Iaukea with a kick to Adams' head, punch. Cut to Sid. Hey, this is a violation of the 180-degree rule! Iaukea rolls out of the ring. Sid is in now, and Chris Adams futilely attempts to hurt Sid with a punch. Adams off the ropes, kick by Sid, powerbomb (DQ, 2:40) Sid covers Adams as if he were, you know, IN this match. Sneaky Iaukea has in the meantime climbed up to the top turnbuckle while Sid jaws with the ref. Iaukea off the top, but Sid catches him. Chokeslam AND a powerbomb for the Prince. And now, the REALLY SCARY part of Sid's interference is about to begin....No...stop...please...for the love of God....Get that man away from the mic!!! Sid says in the Year 2000(tm) that we won't remember Sting, Hogan, or Goldberg. He's gonna take 2, then 4, then 10, and then *gulp* 100 victims a night! Why? Because Sid is the "Master", and in the Year 2000(tm), we will say "Sid, you are the Millenium Man!" Two things: Sid doesn't realize that the Millenium begins on January 1, 2001, but that's excusable, because nobody else realizes that, either. But what ISN'T forgiveable, is that Sid doesn't realize that Lee Van Cleef is the one true "Master". Tenay: "Sid Vicious is the intimidator!" Oh great, just what we need, an excuse for Dale Earnhardt to wrestle.

Road Wild! August 14th! Sting! Sid!

It's a fight to the finish in the NL East! Braves v. Giants!

Don't miss DDP in the Superstation Original Movie "First Daughter", starring Mariel "Scum" Hemingway, Monica "Scum" Keena, and Gregory "Scum" Harrison

Advanced Auto Parts -- R. Lee Ermey narrates! Yeah! He was a real-life Marine D.I. you know

Wrangler Jeans, Keystone Beer -- get drunk in denim

Universal Soldier: the Return -- hey, doesn't "universal" imply ONE soldier? Then how come there's scads of 'em?

Cinn-a-burst, Minwax (makes wood beautiful), and Play-stay-shohn Driver -- cough up the dough

WCW Hotline!

Road Wild '99! The Cat v. Buff Bagwell! *sigh*

Scotty Riggs (w/ mirror) v. Marcus Alexander "Buff" Bagwell in a "Loser Remains an American Male Match" -- And, as if he were reading my mind, Tenay again seems to be suffering from chronic long-term memory retention by pointing out that these two were tag champs 4 years ago as the "American Males". Bagwell gets on the mic: "The American Males thing is done, and so are YOU." Also, if you didn't know by now, he is buff, and Scotty Riggs is NOT the stuff. Buff steals a look in Riggs' mirror, ducks Riggs' punch, and counters with an inverted Atomic Drop. Another inverted Atomic Drop by Buff. Punch by Buff, another punch, dropkick, and Riggs is outside. Buff is out after him, and throws Riggs back in. Riggs clobbers Buff on his way in through the ropes, 'cause Riggs is a HEEL. Stomp stomp stomp by Riggs. He has Buff up, whip, off the ropes, Riggs ducks down, Buff off the ropes again, Riggs leapfrogs, Buff off the ropes again and Riggs hits the dropkick to the head. Riggs mocks Buff's little dance, which is, of course, a sure-fire way to revive a weakened baby-face. Riggs turns around into a punch from Buff, another punch, whip, Riggs off the ropes into Buff's dropkick. Buff now with a kick to the gut, as Riggs now kindly leans forward so that Buff can hit the swinging neckbreaker. Riggs in the corner, and Buff is up for the Ten Punch Countalong(tm). Riggs flops, but not nearly as cool as The Man does it. As Buff follows Riggs to the corner, Riggs has a foreign object--Mirror Fu! Riggs whips Buff, off the ropes, into Riggs' spinning side-slam. Riggs off the ropes, elbow drop to the head. Riggs with another elbow drop. Not tempting fate by doing a third elbow drop, Riggs now has Buff up, whips him, and meets him with a dropkick to the head. Riggs preens in his mirror, then chokes Buff, ref break. Kick to Buff's gut as he crawls around. Another soccer kick from Riggs. Blatant Choke(tm) applied w/ boot by Riggs. Riggs now with the snapmare takeover, with the rear-chinlock and knee to Buff's back. Buff's leg waggles as he hulks up. Buff is now up in Riggs' headlock, but now Buff with the elbow, another elbow, Buff off the ropes, ducks Riggs' arm, Buff off the ropes again, holding on this time to avoid yet ANOTHER Riggs dropkick. Riggs now up, wobbling, whips Buff, off the ropes, Buff ducks the punch, and they do the Incredibly Stupid Mutual Clothesline(tm). Both men are down. Ref counts to 9, and both men are up and staggered. Riggs punches, but Buff's "block" adds +3 to his DCV. Buff now with punches in bunches. Buff whips Riggs, off the ropes, hiptoss. Running clothesline by Buff. ANOTHER running clothesline. Cover, 1, 2, no. Riggs with a surprise jawbreaker. Riggs puts Buff up on the top turnbuckle, punch, and now Riggs climbs up, hooks the arm as if for a superplex, but Buff comes back with punches to Riggs' ribs. Both men trading blows atop the turnbuckle, until Riggs falls off and onto his back. Buff up on the second turnbuckle, and makes the "choo-choo" signal, which can only mean one thing: Riggs will slowly stagger to his feet, unaware that Buff is still up on the turnbuckle, ready to hit the Buff Blockbuster. 1, 2, 3. (6:25)

Coming August 15th: "First Daughter". I again note for the record DDP's inability to hit a stationary target at 50 yards with a Steyr-Mannlicher .308 bolt-action w/scope, making him the WORST ASSASSIN EVER. than ever!

Sprite--Image is Everything. Just ask Todd MacFarlane

Lifesavers, Zapzyt want your hard-earned dollars

Judge Mills Lane rightly ejects some idiot from his courtroom for wearing a Green Bay Packers jersey "ultimate address in sports". Well, except for,, and, oh yeah,!

V-Chips are now available. Well, huzzah and hurrah!

History Channel--History's Lost and Found. Tonight's episode: Booker T. shakes Chris Benoit's hand

This Saturday, on WCW Saturday Night on TBS (6:05 ET): the re-formed Harlem Heat! The Cat! Eddy Guerrero(thank you lord)! Hugh Morrus (get it?) & Jerry Flynn! B.A. and the Massive Swoll, as well as Sid Vicious! Oh yeah, and there's my recap too.

Booker T. and Stevie Ray...brothers....tag-team champions...Harlem Heat. Truly the team of the 90's, winning the tag-team titles 7 times. But, Stevie Ray got hurt. Booker T. became the TV Champ. Booker T. shook hands with Benoit, perfectly setting up T to be in the Horsemen. But does anybody remember that? Nooooooooo.

Tenay and Zybysko hype Harlem Heat as Larry spouts his usual nonsensical aphorisms in an attempt to sound smart.

Road Wild '99! Harlem Heat v. the Triad! WCW Tag-Team Title Match!

This portion of Thunder brought to you by Wrangler

"Detroit Rock City"--starring the delightfully slutty Natasha Lyonne. But, it also stars the annoyingly insufferable Edward Furlong

Advanced Auto Parts--R. Lee Ermey works again! Only steers and queers come from Texas!

Dan Patrick is a WHORE. And John Elway SUCKS. I hate to agree with Phil Mushnick on anything, but alas....

Office Max--buy it!

Braves v. Giants!

Tickets on sale for WCW events in Port Huron, Michigan, Miami FL, El Paso TX, Tuscon AZ, and Phoenix AZ

Last Night: DDP was the "special guest" of Craig Kilborn on the Late Late Show. DDP says that at Road Wild, he and Chris Benoit are going to "beat the hell out of each other" for "[your] enjoyment." Jumanji!!

Kidman v. Eddie Guerrero -- Tenay seems to think that DDP's recent appearance on Hollywood Squares makes him a star. Yeah, in the same way Jm J. Bullock was a "star". Larry Zybysko is now back to his old lecherous ways, referring to A.C. Jazz as the "blue-eyed goddess". Larry, you're old enough to be her father!! Uh oh. Tenay is referring to Eddy as a cruiserweight. You know, as if Eddy hasn't previously been U.S. Champ or something. But I digress....Lockup, side headlock by Eddy into a takeover, Kidman with a leg-lock counter, Eddy out, and both men are to their feet. Kidman offers the Hand of Friendship(tm), but Eddy don't play dat. Lockup, full armdrag and twist by Eddy, tumble backspring by Kidman, but Eddy again with the side headlock. Kidman pushes Eddy into the ropes, whip, Eddy off the ropes, shoulderblock knocks Kidman down. Now Eddy is off the ropes, steps over Kidman, off ropes, Kidman leapfrogs, Eddy off the ropes into a mid-section footspring by Kidman. Kidman runs at Eddy right into a back body drop, but Kidman lands on his feet on the apron. Elbow from Eddy, who takes Kidman's head to the turnbuckle, but no, Kidman reverses! Kidman up to the top turnbuckle, but Eddy clocks him on the head. Eddy up to try a superplex, but Kidman knocks him down! Kidman off the top with a flying head-scissors takeover. Both men up, Eddy graps Kidman's leg, then sweeps the grounded leg out from under him. That's a text-book takedown, boys and girls. Eddy drops the elbow to Kidman's groin. Kidman out on the apron, Eddy comes over, but is met with a shoulderblock to the gut from Kidman. Kidman with a slingshot into a 'rana, and Eddy rolls out of the ring. Kidman now with the slingshot cross-body block to the outside! Uh oh, they're giving Tenay the word that it's time for a commercial break.

The Chimp Channel--because monkeys=comedy

Wrangler, Bugs Bunny for Play-stay-shohn, Hardee's, Foot Locker, Life savers, and Tide--you cannot stop them, you can only hope to contain them

We're back! And Eddy has Kidman in the Gory Special! Now Eddy is spinning--it's the Gory Special 2000!! Eddy covers, 1, 2, no! Tenay says that Zybysko made a great point, which must be a mistake. Eddy grabs Kidman's hand, kicks him in the gut, Eddy walks the top rope, leaps off with a 'rana!! Eddy RULES! Cover, 1, 2, no! Eddy now has Kidman set up...please Eddy, piledrive him! Don't powerbo--oops, too late. Kidman covers, 1, 2, no! Kidman with a run-up-the-turnbuckles bulldog. Kidman drags Eddy's body to the corner, which can only mean one thing....NO! Eddy crotches Kidman at the last second. Eddy climbs up, hooks Kidman's arm--SUPERPLEX!! Both men down, and Eddy rolls his arm across Kidman--1, 2, no! Eddy goes to punch Kidman, but Kidman has bought extra DCV levels to block it! Punches in bunches from Kidman. Kidman whips Eddy, reversal, Kidman off the ropes, tilt-a-whirl backbreaker by Eddy! Ooo, wicked. Eddy covers, 1, 2, no! Eddy has Kidman up, whips him, Kidman leaps up to catch Eddy in the head-scissors, but Eddy's momentum carries both men over the ropes and out onto the concrete. And right on cue, the crowd's faces all turn to the aisle to see who will run in next. Oh, it's Vampiro's turn. Eddy staggers into the ring, but unfortunately he walks right into Vampiro's clothesline. Vampiro scoops Eddy--GREETINGS FROM VAMPIRO DRIVER MICHINOKU ASBURY DRIVER PARK! Hey, going over Konnan is one thing, but this is TOO much. Vampiro is out now, inviting the unsuspecting Kidman to go pin Eddy while he has the chance. Kidman, befuddled, goes to the top turnbuckle. He looks at Vampiro, then at Eddy, and in the greatest act of conscience since Thomas Becket, Kidman comes off the top with a tope onto Vampiro!! Now Kidman throws Vampiro back in, and Kidman is in too with punches in bunches (DQ 9:30) Now Eddy and Kidman are both punching on Vampiro. Double whip, but Vampiro hangs onto the ropes and slides out of the ring. But just as Vampiro is backing up the aisle, here comes Rey Fubu Jr. to clock him and take him back in the ring. Kidman has Vampiro--RIGER BOMB! Rey, off the ropes--ASAI MOONSAULT!! Now, Kidman and Rey hold Vampiro down as Eddy comes off the top turnbuckle with THE MOTHER OF ALL FROG SPLASHES!!

Tinactin shows you clips of the match you just saw

Thunder Ringside Release: "Mystery Men" Hey, does Janeane get naked or what?

Country Superstar Chad Brock performs live, this Monday on Nitro!

B.A. (w/ Face, Murdoch and Hannibal) & Swoll (w/ the "Human Hummer" 4x4) v. Long-time Companions Lenny Lane & Lodi (w/ body glitter and lollipops) -- Lodi ALMOST redeems this gimmick by displaying the following sign: "Richard Gere 4 Best Actor" HAHAHAHA! BA and Lenny are in first. BA shouts "hooty-hoo!" much to my chagrin. Lenny does a faggy "talk to the hand" motion and runs over to hug Lodi. Lane now twirling his pig-tails while skipping in a circle. Lockup, side headlock by BA. BA with the full armdrag and twist. Hammer lock by BA into a side-headlock takeover. Lockup, side-headlock by BA, now with a full armdrag and twist. Stop me if that sounds familiar. Eye poke by Lane, whips BA, reversal, Lane off the ropes, BA ducks, Lane off the ropes again, into BA's dropkick. Tag made by a cowering Lane to Lodi. I guess Lodi is butch in this relationship. BA tags in Swoll. WCW take note, crowd chant: "Lo-di! Lo-di! Lo-di!" Swoll is in, and Lodi tries an armbar takeover, but nuthin' doin'. Lane runs in and does an armbar on Swoll's other arm, and Swoll whips them both into the ropes, and meets them with a double clothesline. Swoll scoops Lodi, slam. Same for Lane. Both Lodi and Lenny slide outside. Lodi carries Lane and sets him on the guardrail. Lane back in now, but is met with a kick to the gut by Swoll. Swoll with the full armdrag and twist. Tag to BA, who comes off the second turnbuckle with an axe to Lane's exposed arm. Full armdrag and twist by BA, pushes Lane off the ropes, whip, but Lodi holds onto Lenny against the ropes. BA's clothesline hits Lodi as Lenny ducks out of the way. Lane behind BA, who blocks, then punches, then whips Lane, reversal, and BA is tripped from outside by Lodi. Lane lands a blow on BA, repeated blows from Lane on a prone BA. Ha ha. Blatant Choke(tm) by Lane, tag to Lodi, who again is greeted with a loud pop. Double whip, BA off the ropes, gutshot by Lane closely followed by a kneelift from Lodi. Now Lane with a People's Legdrop. High-five hip-bump by the Fags. Lane covers, 1, 2, no. Lane has BA up, takes his head to the turnbuckle. Lodi chokes BA in the corner as Lane runs to taunt Swoll into coming out, thus drawing the ref's attention. Lane tags in Lodi now, double whip, double back-elbow. Cover by Lodi, 1, 2, no. Tag to Lane. Punches by Lane, who then tags in Lodi again. BA whips Lane, who runs into Lodi as he's entering the ring. Comical "falling-so-your-head-hits-your-teammate's crotch" spot. BA tags in Swoll, who has a clothesline for Lodi, and one for Lane too. He also has a scoopslam with each of their names on it. Swoll whips Lodi into the opposite corner, then whips Lane into the corner too, and Swoll with the follow up splash on both men in the corner. Lane falls out of the corner onto all fours, while Lodi has fallen to his knees behind Lenny. Yes, this will be remembered for years to come as "The Doggy-Style Spot". BA kicks Lodi, reasserting patriarchal heterosexual authority in the ring. Now BA with punches for Lane. Swoll ejects Lodi from the ring. BA whips Lane into the opposite corner, then has Swoll whip him into Lane. BA whips Lane, off the ropes, right into Swoll's heart punch. 1, 2, 3. (6:20) You know, I kind of wanted the Pansies to go over in that match. Don't hate me.

Silent nWo montage with ominous music. It should be noted for the record that this is the EXACT SAME montage that has been running over the past few weeks, except without the didactic narration, and this is a major improvement. It almost cons you into thinking Hogan, Nash, and Savage are cool.

Promotional Consideration Paid For By the Following: Slim Jim, Naya, AOL, Motel 6, Hot Pockets, Tinactin

Snickers: 'cause you know there's a cable-guy conspiracy

Universal Soldier: the Return

Keystone Light, Wrangler, Slim Jim--buy this stuff

Advanced Auto Parts--R. Lee Ermey is making my night. He would call Booker T "Private Snowball"

This Week in WCW Motorsports--we learn that Rikki Rachtman STILL has a job. Oh, and hillbillies in fast cars drive in circles

KISS--Performing live! August 23rd! On Nitro!

Bam Bam Bigelow v. Booker T. -- Tentative circling by both men, lockup, armbar by T, reversed into a slam by BBB. More circling, T gets the crowd clapping. Lockup, full armdrag and twist by T, side headlock by T. Float around hammerlock into another side headlock by T. That's chain wrestling! BBB pushes T into the ropes, whip, T off the ropes into BBB's shoulderblock. Chest thump by BBB. T knocked down as he attempts to get up. BBB off the ropes, T leapfrogs, BBB off ropes, right into a dropkick by T. BBB rolls out onto the floor. Since Bigelow is stalling, we'll take a commercial break!

Bring Me The Head of David Arquette

Castrol GTX, Jovan, Starburst, Bell Atlantic Mobile, and The Daily Show--a wide array of commercial interests

We're back! BBB with a rear chinlock on T. T hulks up, elbow to BBB, another elbow, forearm, now T whips BBB, reversal, T into the opposite corner, where BBB runs into his waiting boot. T runs at Bigelow, right into a powerslam. BBB covers, 1, 2, no. Both men up, BBB with a forearm, whips T, off the ropes, ducks BBB's clothesline, off the ropes--T hits the Flying Forearm! Both men slow to get up. T with the kick to BBB's gut, and Bigelow kindly stays bent forward for the 10 seconds or so it takes T to land his AX-KICK! BREAKDANCE!! Booker T RULES! T whips BBB, off the ropes, Spinebuster!! T to the top turnbuckle, but, as you might guess from the fact that everyone in the crowd was looking towards the ramp, DDP is there to clock T with a Tag Title belt. (DQ 4:52 ) Double Diamond Cutter by DDP and BBB. Now, here comes U.S. Champ David Flair, who luckily remembered to bring the yellow spray paint, so that we could see what was being written on Booker Ts back. Oh, it's the Triad symbol. Now here comes Stevie Ray, and Flair clocks him to no avail, but as Stevie turns around DDP is there with the Diamond Cutter. Now U.S. Flair does his best impersonation of Dad's strut.

Let Us Take You Back To Last Nitro where we all hoped beyond hope that Nash was shooting on Hogan when he powerbombed him

Hogan! Nash! Dr. James Andrews! Road Wild!

Dude, don't Bogart the 1-800-CALL-ATT, and pass the nWo on the left hand side, dude

Saturn wants to know: "What Are You Lookin' At?" Uhh, a guy who used to wear a leather dress, Perry

10-10-321, not to be confused with 10-10-220 or 1-800-WE-ARE-18

Motel 6, Starburst, Wendy's

Advanced Auto Parts--R. Lee Ermey keeps me company. Imagine him cutting a promo: "I will gauge out your eyeballs and SKULL-FUCK you!!!"

Play-stay-shohn, Minwax, Meineke--the dehumanizing effects of capitalism, just as it said in _Das Kapital_

Road Wild! Savage! Rodman! Can you imagine how much HIGHER the buy rate would be if they replaced this match with Gorgeous George v. Carmen Electra? Just something to ponder is all.

Gene Mean works! Macho Man Randy Savage is out without the comely Gorgeous George. Savage gives a Sammy Sosa-like black power salute, showing his age. Crowd chant: "We want George! We want George!" Savage will spill the beans about the Hummer driver this Monday on Nitro

DDP is on Hollywood Squares, with other stars like Paula Poundstone, Bob Goldthwait, George Wallace, and Rainier Wolfcastle. But, at least he got a question right

Promotional Consideration Paid For By the Following: David Sunflower Seeds, Hot Pockets, Travelodge, Singer Asset Finance (aka Judge Wapner's retirement fund), Miracle Whip

Think DDP's one bad dude? Then wait till you see his acting in "First Daughter"--it's even badder

Dinner & A Movie--"National Lampoon's Vacation" Annabelle Gurwitch was NOT this hot on Not Necessarily the News

10-10-321, NAPA, Gameboy, Wrangler, Cinn-a-burst--take it! take all my money!

Universal Soldier: the (highly unanticipated) Return

Keystone Piss,, Beer

This Portion of Thunder! is Brought To You By: 10-10-321

This Monday on Nitro: Country Superstar Chad Brock

DDP (w/BBB) v. The Wild Canadian Pegasus-Crippling Wolverine, Chris Benoit -- DDP is out with the mic in his hand. We'll never forget DDP 'cause he delivers the goods. He's the 2-time! 2-time! 2-time! former Heavyweight Champion of the World. Let's all hope for brevity's sake, that Ric Flair never co-opts this tag-line. DDP says Benoit's mama is so dumb, she thinks a quarterback is a refund. Oh! And before you can say "Oedipal trajectory" Benoit is in the ring with a dropkick to BBB, sending him out, and now Benoit with the punch, punch, chop (whoo!), whip to DDP, who is off the ropes, back elbow by Benoit. Kick by Benoit, chop(whoo!) and DDP is down. Benoit whips Page, off the ropes, and Benoit with a boot to the mid-section, and DDP is back against the ropes. Benoit puts him out onto the concrete with a clothesline. Slingshot plancha cross-body block by Benoit takes out both DDP and BBB!! Benoit takes Page back into the ring. Massive chop(WHOO!) by Benoit. Page's head taken to the turnbuckle, and the mudhole stomping ensues by Benoit. Benoit has Page up--snap suplex! Now Benoit off the ropes, but instead of an elbow drop he opts for a baseball slide out to give Bigelow some punches in bunches. But Page comes off the apron to land the double axe-handle on the unsuspecting Benoit. DDP takes Benoit's head to the guard railing. Again, Benoit's head taken to the railing. Now Benoit's head meets the STEEL steps. DDP has Benoit back in, has Benoit up--Riger Bomb. 1, 2, no. Stomp, stomp, sweat flick by Page, but now Benoit catches him with an elbow, punch, punch, Benoit's a house afire! Chop(whoo!), whip, Page off the ropes, but kicks the bent-forward Benoit in the head. Page with a Rock's Uranage. Cover, 1, 2, no. Page has Benoit up, abdominal stretch applied. DDP now holding the ropes for leverage, 'cause he's a HEEL. Ref break, and Benoit hits Page with an armdrag. Benoit ducks Page's punch, now punch punch punch chop(WHOO) from Benoit. DDP with the eye poke, pushes Benoit into the corner. Whip by DDP, reversal, Page in the opposite corner, but Benoit runs into his boot. Page's kick is caught by Benoit, who spins him around into a rear-waistlock--GERMAN SUPLEX! WITH BRIDGE! 1, 2, no! Benoit maintains his hold, and here's ANOTHER German Suplex with bridge! 1, 2, no! Benoit STILL maintains his hold on Page, and as he goes for the inevitable third suplex, Page grabs the ropes--but Blind Billy Silverman, re-enacting his favorite scene from Gibson's "The Miracle Worker", kicks Page's hands off the rope--GERMAN SUPLEX! Benoit needed a fourth, so no bridge. Benoit runs out to the apron to clock the seemingly omnipresent U.S. Champ David Flair, who carelessly tosses the US belt into the ring. Now Benoit slams DDP onto the belt! THUMB ACROSS THE THROAT!!! Benoit rules! Benoit up to the top turnbuckle, Diving Headbutt--hits the US Belt held up by DDP! Aw, fuck. Page covers, and "Miracle Worker" Billy Silverman takes a break from "wa-wa" to count the pinfall. 1, 2, 3. (3:53)

Next on TBS: The Chimp Channel. Bring back Lancelot Link!

10-10-321, Motel 6, WinderFresh, Castrol GTX, Jazzy Power Chairs--they control the modes of production

Road Wild! Goldberg! Rick Steiner! Why?!?

Flyboy Rocco Rock (w/ Johnny Grunge and table) v. Goldberg -- ahh, Goldberg is going back to the type of bread and butter matches that brought him his original glory. Rocco and Grunge stomp up and down on a Green Bay jersey in the ring, for two reasons: 1) Cheap heat, and 2) because they've got taste. Goldberg and Rocco lockup, Goldberg tosses Rocco into the corner. Rocco off the ropes, bounces harmlessly off Goldberg, like unto a bazooka shell off of the Hulk. Rocco off the ropes again, but this time runs into a gorilla press by Goldberg--SLAM! Grunge is out now but runs right into Goldberg's side kick. Rocco runs at Goldberg again, and bounces off again. Rocco rolls out onto the floor, now back in, lockup, Goldberg tosses Rocco into the corner. Goldberg walks into Rocco's punches--who does Rocco think he's fighting, Willy Loman?--to naught effect. Yawn. Spear, Spear, table breaks, jackhammer, cover, 1, 2, 3. (Let's call it 3:00) I really wanted to see PE come out victorious in that match, if only to have seen CRZ find religion. And I'm talkin' monastery, pal!

See you on Saturday Night!

Justin Jones

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