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/14 October 1999

WCW Thunder


Guest columnist: Justin Jones


Finally, the Great One has returned to [slash] Wrestling!!! Oh yeah, and me too.

Spiffy logo that revolves around "Hollywood". Now THAT'S a visual metaphor.

It's WCW Thunder! The Good News? It's the last WCW Thunder before Russo and Ferrara take over. The Bad News? It's the last WCW Thunder before Russo and Ferrara take over.

Live, from Baton Rouge, LA, the land of crawfish and bayou swamps, sayeth Mike Tenay. Your hosts are Mike Tenay, Living Loser Larry Zybysko, and Arizona Diamondback's pitching superstar, the Big Unit, err Sexy, Kevin Nash. Nash is very very COOL. He and Scott Hall get drunk and bang chicks, and that makes them COOL. Larry asks Nash if he can have some of that "water" he has in his cup, har har

All the stars of WCW are here tonight, and so, we get...

Sgt. Buddy Lee Parker v. Hacksaw Jim Duggan (w/ Old Glory and 2x4) - Tenay exhibits a disturbing amount of memory by talking about Duggan in Mid-South way back when. Duggan advances with the 2x4, then starts a "USA" chant, cause he's senile, and doesn't realize the Cold War's over. Parker with punches to start, whip, counter, Duggan with a hip-toss, Parker out of the ring. "HOOOO!" Parker back in, big right from Duggan, now both men outside, Duggan takes Parker to the railing, then back inside. "HOOOO!" Now Parker with the standard heel ambush as Duggan gets back in the ring. Eye gauge by Parker, but Duggan responds with punches, but misses the corner splash. Rear chinlock by Parker. Crowd chant: "USA! USA!" because they're dumb Cajuns who don't realize that the Cold War is over. Will this chinlock ever end? Oh, ok, Duggan powers out, then takes Parker to each corner, and now the 10 Punch Countalong. Whip by Duggan, scoop, slam for Parker. 3 Point Stance, Old Glory Knee-Drop, 1, 2, 3. (heads, 3:30, tails, 4:00. Tails it is.) Larry gets some announce time as we take another look at the technical marvel that is Jim Duggan.

WCW Thunder Ringside Release: Star Wars: Episode I: The Phantom Menace: Pod Racer: Two Engines: One Champion: No Limits: The Adventure Begins: Hey There's Darth Maul: Only two lines in the whole damn movie: Crazy chanting in the background: I still ain't buyin' this damn game.

Dinner and a Movie: "Honeymoon In Vegas" starring the Ubiquitous Nicholas Cage.

A nerd approaches two hotties, but Sting and Goldberg get carried away. WCW Mayhem!

Subway, the way a sandwich should be

The Kodiak 400 automatic, from Yamaha

The first grammar rule of Fight Club: never ever use an article before the words "Fight Club".

Live the saga! Hypnotize fat kids! Phantom Menace!

Al Greene (so tired of being alone) v. Lash Leroux - Nash makes the "I'm so in love with you" joke that we've all made 345 times. Pick a new song! Lash makes his stupid symbol, but now Greene nails him, a gorilla press, Lash fights him off, does his stupid split, and clotheslines him out of the ring. A whip into the railing, reversed, Leroux into the railing, now Greene has him back in. Lash cowers in the corner, but catches Greene. Lash now up on top, flying bodypress, caught, slam, pin by Greene, 1, 2, no. Dropkicks by Lash, Greene staggered, and now Leroux gets Greene in the "WhipLash" and the pin because he's getting a push. 1, 2, 3. Let's call it (2:30). Hey, are we sure that Russo isn't writing already?

Let Us Take You Back To Nitro where the First Family's no-talented over-pushed asses get a screwjob win over Stevie Ray. Damn Fruit Booties.

Power Rangers get pulled over by the cops. Oh, wait, it's JetMoto3.

NHL FaceOff 2000...hey, I thought "Sports Night" came on ABC.

Go head to head with CNNSI "experts". Feh.

The world needs a hero, so I guess we'll take Jackie Chan. "First Strike"!

On PPV, you can see "ED TV", "Analyze This", and many other movies that you've probably seen months ago.

Last week on Saturday Night, the First Family ambushes the poor Armstrong brothers. Hey, does having to feud with the First Family count as a continuation of the Armstrong Curse?

Hey, it's the Total Narcissistic Lex Express Package (w/ Miss Elizabeth). Nash thinks that Liz has some "nice genetics". Larry says there's "a couple of wonders" there. Nash chuckles a lot and says stuff under his breath because he's HIP and COOL. Larry challenges Michael Jordan to one on one. Luger wonders why, after 13 years in the business, he and Liz have to come to a town like Baton Rouge. Luger is sensitive to rudeness from the crowd, yet he wears a NY Yankees jersey. Oh, the irony. Luger says he can walk into an NFL, NBA, or a MLB locker room and still turn heads. If only they wouldn't test for pesky substances. Audible boos from the crowd. Damn, Liz has some big hoots. Luger is mad because no wrestling fans would send him get-well cards. Fans chant "USA! USA!" because, again, they're stupid Cajuns who don't realize that Lex isn't a damn Commie. Luger says he's been at the top from Day 1 in this sport. Uh, oh, here comes Buff Daddy to interrupt the interview. Buff, in case you were unaware, is the Stuff. Buff says that Lex is one of the "best wrestlers this business has ever seen", and yet, he calls Lex a liar. Oh, the irony. Buff has tried to get in touch with Lex at the gym, at home, at the gym, and he stopped by the gym, but Lex is too busy being the Total Package. And what's going on with Sting? Buff doesn't like two of his heroes turning their backs on the fans. Next Thursday, Buff wants to get it on with Lex on Thunder. Lex calls Buff "Marcus". Oh god, as if this segment weren't bad enough, Rick Steiner is out to punk out Buff. Hey! There's La Parka out to save Buff! That's pretty cool. Nash says that Luger is scared of skeletons, cause he's CLEVER and COOL.

Yet another N64 commercial for some game with bugs in it.

A bunch of jack-booted police thugs are stopped by a Lowe's door. Who says we need a 2nd Amendment?

Flat TV from Phillips commercial is saved only by a really hot chick in a nightie

Call ITT Technical Institute. Just because, that's why.

Yet ANOTHER video game commercial. This time it's one called "Wipeout 3"

It's time again for the WCW Road Report. Jimmy Barron, get off the phone, and get busy with that chick you moron.

Yo! Where our dogs at? Konnan and Rey Fubu Jr. fight over their commercial time, and do YET ANOTHER spoof of Blair Witch

Let Us Take You Back to Nitro where Kidman was showering in his wrestling gear and messing around with Torrie. David Fliehr is upset that someone's moving in on his hootch. He tries to "peek over" Mr. Perfect's "back fence", and Hennig lays one on Flair for "his old man." That was a pretty good match between Hennig and Flair on Nitro, by the way. Hope Ric don't catch heat for his faux pas.

The Armstrongs v. Hugh Morrus (get it?) & Nasty Brian Knobs (w/ Jimmy Hart) - Knobs is all over Steve Armstrong to begin, but SA gets a dropkick comeback. Tag in to Morrus, who gets a double back elbow from the Armstrongs. Now Scott in, whips, reverse, kicks Morrus in the head. Now, Morrus with a press slam of Scott. Tag in to Knobs, whip, double back elbow. Knobs drops an elbow, forearm smash, Steve off the ropes, but Morrus plays dirty and whacks him in the back. Knobs whips Steve over the ropes, and Morrus works him over into the safety rail. Steve back in now. Knobs whips Morrus into Steve, and Knobs follows with a splash of his own. Nash says that Harlem Heat are some "tough cats". Morrus up on the top rope, and misses the big elbow drop. Both men down. Knobs in to whack Steve in the back, but Scott is in now, getting the babyface dropkicks, but Knobs holds onto the ropes. Slam by Knobs, Morrus up on the top, No Laughing Matter. 1, 2, 3. Let's call it, oh, (4:00) Hey, my timer's broken, I'm away from home, so sue me. Hey, here's Harlem Heat in to build up heat for their PPV match at Halloween Havoc. That's not Booker T, that's Wesley Snipes, says Nash, because he's COOL. Stevie Ray calls the First Family "donut eatin', milk drinkin, Fruit Booties". Yes!

Yet another Superstation Original Movie is on the way, starring Catherine Bell. Scha-WING.

More fat kids are hypnotized at school by the Phantom Menace video game.

Drink Keystone Light. You lush.

We asked the tough fans at some minor league stadium to shave or something

Subway, the way a sandwich should be

Yankees are leading the Red Sox, 3-2 in the 8th inning. In case you cared.

Damn, this poor nerd finally gets the nerve to come onto these hot chicks, and he gets interrupted by Sting and Goldberg.

Hollywood Hogan: Why I Rule The World and Ric Flair: Why I Job To Hogan, the latest videos from Jason Hervey.

Let Us Take You Back to Last Nitro when Dr. Fatboy Shane Douglas interfered in Saturn and Malenko's match.

Nash says he's put together his own video package. It is of Goldberg walking in at last Nitro. Nash proceeds to do a campy Hong-Kong style dub job as Sid talks to Goldberg, which, I must say, is very very funny. Now Nash is doing John Facenda. And now Tenay follows my thinking and asks Nash if he's ever worked for NFL Films. Haha, god I feel so guilty and dirty for laughing at this. "Rick Steiner: a man from Detroit Michigan who speaks like a Southern redneck!" hahahahhaha "Goldberg: a menacing bald-headed giant of a man!"

WCW Thunder Ringside Release: A Superstation Original Movie: "The Time Shifters"! Did I mention that Catherine Bell has huge boobs and is very very hot??

Oh, the stars are out tonight! It's Horace Bollea Boulder Hogan v. Brian Adams - circling, lockup, Adams with a side headlock, whip, shoulderblock by Adams on Horace. Lockup again, now Horace with the side headlock. Whip by Horace, but his shoulder block doesn't work, and he meets a big boot to the face. Punch by Horace, chop, but the sneaky tilt-a-whirl backbreaker by Adams gets him. Horace with an "Old Glory" trick knee, sayeth Nash. Both men outside now, chop from Horace, who throws Adams by in. Suplex by Hogan, but Adams is back up, kick, whip, but he runs into Horace's foot. Horarce with the flying lariat, 1, 2, no. Adams up, gorilla press slam on Horace. Whip by Adams, backbreaker on Horace. Uh oh, we're recyclying moves already? Neckbreaker by Horace. Cover, 1, 2, no. Whip by Horace, and as he ducks for a back bodydrop, Adams piledrives him. UGH. 1, 2, 3. (3:45).

We see a promo hyping the Sting v. Hogan match at Havoc. You know, no matter what they do, no matter how much Sting hits Hogan with a bat, he'll never, and the Rock means EVER, be a heel.

1-800-Collect. Hmm, working every day with Christina Applegate or shilling phone commercials? Wake up, Ed O'Neill.

I fell into a burnin' ring o fire, ring o fire, and it Surged Surged Surged, in a burnin ring o fire...

Wipeout 3. Damn these video games. Why, back in my day, we had only firearms and hot chicks to keep us amused.

Penske auto care.

The bugs are coming, but not in peace. Jet Force 3000.

Macho Man Rorschach Savage. Slim Jim!

Sid says we'll flip for it! Or stab each other with safety scissors till the loser quits.

Croissant Pockets.

Gene Mean works tonight! Please welcome the Rajin' Cajun, Lash Leroux! Tenay also notices that a Saturday Night jobber is getting promo time. I hate that Leroux, he's so SMUG. If there's one thing a Cajun knows how to do, it's add a little spice to the mix. If Leroux goes over Disco at Havoc, I will be pissed. Gene asks Leroux if he can dance, and we are again informed that his stupid little dance is called the Bourbon Street Blues.

Let Us take You Back to Nitro where Brad Armstrong yells at Berlyn for sprechen Deutsch. Hey Brad, the Cold War is over. Berlyn calls BA "eine kleine Amerikaner". Gosh, poor Brad just can't get over, even when he's sticking up for America. Hmm...maybe if he shaved part of his head, and got some dookie-braids...hmmm

Hmm, a Wendy's burger does not out-weigh doing four hot blondes.

David Arquette knows that he can't let a SINGLE FRIGGIN recap go by without polluting my TV.

Juicy Fruit - the gotta have sweet gum.

Wolverine Dura-shock - Let's go huntin'!

It's 80's Night, Late Night Fridays on the Superstation

You know, I don't CARE if Catherine Bell is in this stupid "Time Shifters" movie, I'm still not gonna watch it

Thunder is brought to you by Toybiz (owners of Marvel Comics) WCW Nitro Arena. Nash wants to know what's up with him doing the job in the commercial, which is funny.

Prince Nakimaki v. LAAA LAAA SHOOO LAAA OOOO Berlyn (mit SchutzStaffeln) - Nash continues to use words like "booking" because he's COOL. Tenay says this is an "all-shoot" edition of Thunder. Ha ha, boy I feel gratified, cause I'm SMART. Hip tosses by Nakimaki to start. Whip, reversal, Thesz Press by the Prince. Backbreaker by Berlyn. Hey, if Berlyn is wrong, then I don't wanna be Wright. Another backbreaker by Berlyn. Whip by Berlyn, and a slam on the Prince. Elbow drop by Berlyn, another elbow drop. Nash says he's getting old, which is funny cause it's TRUE. Punches exchanged back n' forth by both guys. Clothesline by the Prince, back body drop, and a Samoan Drop by the Prince, which is funny cause he's actually Samoan. Float over snap suplex by Berlyn. Hangman by Berlyn after some interference by his SchutzStaffeln, 1, 2, 3. (oh, let's say 4:00).

Let's take another look at this match, thank's to Wendy's. Nash says his cup is empty. Oh, I GET IT. NASH IS DRUNK! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAH

John Travolta is not that kind of angel. He's the kind that works for L. Ron Hubbard in "Michael"

It's JetMoto 3. I wish Stacey Koonce had pulled those guys over. They could use a good old fashioned Rodney King beatdown

Mmmmm, Milky Way

When you do this for a living, you need all the protection you can get. That's why these guys use Trojan-enz...err, Castrol

Hey, Dawn Wells is still do-able, even if she's like 55

Slim Jims! Eat me!

David Arquette curses my TV AGAIN. Go screw Courtney Cox already.

Check out Chad Damiani's report on the WCW Hotline. Hey, I wonder what that news about Hulk Hogan is all about?

Hey, CRZ, they've got a Meng package! You can't hurt Meng, you can only hope to contain him! Tongan Death Grip!

Oh for the love of Christ, it's Luther Biggs (w/ Glacier) v. TheMonsterMeng - hey, check out the flashy duds. Nash makes a stupid joke about Meng looking like Barry White, and then sings. Why? Because he's COOL. Meng starts early on Luther, lefts, rights, and open hand palm thrusts. Whip, back body drop. Nash actually is selling how tough Meng is, which is mighty white of him. Kick by Luther, and Meng is starting to go psycho. He makes the Tongan Death Grip sign...uh out Luther! Oh, it's all over but the cryin. (submission, 1:30). Meng has the grip on Buzz Stern...Down goes Glacier! Down goes Glacier! Down goes Glacier!

The Chimp Channel - next!

"Time Shifters", which, in a perfect world would star me, Catherine Bell, and a bottle of Canola Oil

Will my parents let me stay up past 11? Well, with a Ouija Board you can find this out. This, and you know, you can talk to the devil and stuff too

What does riding a motorcycle across the desert have to do with the U.S. Air Force?

WCW Mayhem - it starts in the ring, but it doesn't have to end there!

God that guy in the Keystone commercial is CREEPY.

For the 3rd time, a fat bully is hypnotized by Star Wars: Phantom Menace

Saturn v. Rey Fubu Jr (he believes he's a bus) - lockup, armdrag by Rey, now Saturn has him down with punches. Kick by Saturn, whip, Rey ducks, moonsault, caught, Rey gets out of the German suplex attempt, and, frankly, there's so much action it's hard to call. Rough Rider by Rey. Wacky moonsault by Rey, 1, 2, no. Saturn rolls out to the floor, but Rey with the suicide dive! Larry and Nash won't stop with the running "Old Glory" [insert move here] gag. Saturn with a standing wristlock-cross armbreaker on Rey. Armdrag by Saturn, now sitting across Rey's arm, now stretching his neck. Great match so far. Saturn breaks, and whips Rey, and Rey leaps over him and meets Saturn with the dropkick to the knee. Belly to belly overhead release by Saturn. Rey is up, leaps off the second rope, into Saturns full nelson. Dragon Suprex!!!! Saturn with a standing chinlock, roll through by Rey, 1, 2, no! Whip by Saturn, flying head scissors by Rey. Same sequence again, but Saturn spots it and drops Rey on his face. Saturn up top, Rey goes for the Frankensteiner, and Saturn hits a Spinebuster from the top! 1, 2, no! Head scissors into a roll up by Rey...1, 2, 3!!! (7:30) Wow, great match. I tried to do it justice, but I didn't feel like watching it frame by frame. Saturn with an "Old Glory Elbow Drop" sayeth Nash. Now Saturn with the Rings of Saturn on Rey. Gee, Saturn is a sore loser. Refs break it up.

WCW electronic thumb wrestling, Tootsie Rolls, Croissant Pockets, MOEN faucets, Jolly Time popcorn, and Tootsie Caramel Apple Pops all want your money

Mr. Courtney Cox is bouncing around that....uh oh, you better not let Dr. Dre catch you in his ride, man!

Spree is a kick in the mouth, except it's Goldbergs, not Charisma Carpenter's like I'd hoped

Gastrol GTX: Drive Hard

Super Movie Sunday on the Superstation: lots of movies that you've seen lots of times, thanks to cable

LPGA and Lifetime team up for breast cancer. Figures it'd be some chick thing

Watch the Horror Unfold: Halloween Havoc. You know, there's a REALLY EASY joke to be made there, but I'll refrain.

And now, tonight's main event: Hell's Angel Rick Steiner & The Total Package (w/Liz) v. Buff is the Stuff & La Parka - Can La Parka carry 3 stiffs to a good match? Magic 8 Ball: "Signs Point to 'No'". Nash is having WAY too much fun here. It's a Pier 6 outside, Buff on Luger and Parka on Steiner. Parka onto the safety rail, and Buff pounds Luger. Steiner chokes La Parka. Buff whips Luger, Steiner whips La Parka. Steiner puts Parka in the ring while the two lubed-up pretty boys fight outside. Steiner with the back bodydrop on Parka, and amazingly, doesn't break Parka's neck. Bagwell with the "Old Glory Choke" outside. Steiner chokes Parka. Kick from Parka, whip by Steiner, "Old Glory Steinerline", armbar on Parka. Parka reaching for Buff, but Rick pulls him away. Double team on La Parka in the opposite corner. Nash says the best tag-team ever isn't him and Scott Hall, it's a couple of chicks he had last weekend. He's my HERO. Rollup by Parka after a missed Bionic Elbow, 1, 2, yeah right. Luger in control, but runs into Parka's boot. Parka with the dropkick on Luger, and now struggling to get to Buff, who's in and is a House O Fire, slam on Steiner, Buff is up, but Parka's in the way, and Buff lands a Blockbuster on Parka (no contest). Buff, you SUCK. You really really suck. It figures that the one guy who can, you know, wrestle in this match would be made to look the jackass. Buff leaves La Parka in the ring to get beat on by the other two stiffs, and he walks off disgusted. And this is the guy Russo wants to build WCW around?

I'm Audi 5000.

Justin Jones

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Guest column text copyright (C) 1999 by the individual author and used with permission