|Guest columnist: Justin Jones|
This WCW Thunder Recap is made possible by CRZ--the Christopher Robin to our collective Winnie the Pooh--and by viewers like you
The first of what are sure to be MANY Halloween Havoc promos, before the opening credits!
WCW Logo--Thunder opening credits that revolve around the word "Hollywood"...hmmm...
It's WCW Thunder! Your hosts are Smilin' Scott Hudson and the Living Loser Larry Zybysko
And we get right into our first match of the evening:The Maestro v. Norman Smiley - Ok, doesn't professional wrestling have ENOUGH homoerotic implications without having to have this match add to it?? Ok, lockup, chinlock by Smiley, chain wrestling to start, full nelson by the Maestro, escape, another full nelson, trip by Smiley, runs off the ropes--BIG WIGGLE! Maestro makes the International Symbol for "Comme-ci, comme-ca". Lockup, knee by Smiley, European Uppercut, which is appropriate cause he's European. Whip, reversal, tangled spot, shoulderblock by the Maestro. Stomps, elbow, punch, blatant eye gauge, belly-to-back suplex by the Maestro. Cover, 1, 2, no. Rear chinlock by Maestro, stomp to the face, and a European Uppercut, which is funny, cause Maestro's not European, just gay. Whip, Sunset Flip attempt by Smiley, countered by Maestro falling on his head. Punch by Maestro, whip, back body drop. Cover, 1, 2, no. Punches traded now, headbutt by Smiley, arm wringer and a beal. BIG WIGGLE! My friend Jack's brother must have loved this. Anyhoo, scoop and a slam by Smiley, and, yes, ANOTHER BIG WIGGLE! Maestro trips Smiley and pulls him outside, and wacky hijinks ensue. We discover that Larry actually named the "Big Wiggle". Und now he vill be shot. Stomp by Maestro as Smiley comes back in. Whip by Smiley, reversal, hip-toss blocked, Maestro goes for the Scorpion Death Drop, and--No! It's the Norman Conquest! (submission, 4:32)
We now see a replay of the Big Wiggle. I'm not lying.
This week, on Dinner & a Movie: "Moonstruck", starring the now-ubiquitous Nicholas Cage
Poor nerd gets screwed by Sting and Goldberg every time--WCW Mayhem!
10-10-321 - so you can talk about little kids playing baseball
Jack-booted thugs can't get by a Lowe's door
Video Package #2: The feud of the year, Disco and Lash LeRoux
MVP Chipper Jones...err, Dale Torborg v. Horace Bollea Boulder Hogan- Lockup, shoulders to the midsection by Horace, clothesline. Whip to the opposite corner, followup clothesline by Horace. Whip, reversal, shoulderblock by Horace. Horace off the ropes, MVP ducks n' leaps, hiptoss. Drop kick by Torborg. Baseball slide by Torborg to send Horace out. Hey, all that baseball apparel isn't just for show! Torborg works him over. Horace with a hotshot on MVP as he gets back in the ring. Short-arm clothesline by Horace, elbow, cover, 1, 2, no. Horace throws MVP out, and works him over. Both men back in now, cover by Horace, 1, MVPs foot is on the ropes. Whip, Torborg reverses into a cradle, 1, 2, no. Back elbow by Horace, suplex. Backbreaker by Horace, 1, 2, no. Whip, MVP ducks, off the ropes, cross body block. MVP covers, 1, 2, no. Eye poke from Horace, whip to the opposite corner, but Horace misses the followup. Belly-to-back by the MVP. Iblockyourpunchyoudon'tblockmine by MVP, whip, kick to the gut, MVP with a kneelift off the ropes. Whip by MVP, clothesline, 1, 2, no. MVP misses a punch, and Horace with an overhead release German suplex, which is weird, cause he isn't German. Horace with the Samoan Drop, which is funny, cause he isn't Samoan, either. Cover, 1, 2, 3. (5:31)
Tony Hawk still skates! Ha, I'll be laughing when he's like 45 and can't walk
Subway - eat our stuff
Midas - buy our brakes
Yamaha 4 - wheelers, at only $69/month. Huh huh, 69, huh huh
CNNSI.com - about as useful as their sports show
Friday--NBA on TNT
Last Week on WCW Saturday Night--8 guys who suck, all in a ring at one time
Video Package #3: Flair versus Page. You know, better to be the Man no more, than to have never been the Man at all, Page
Cleavon Little v. The Insufferable Lash LeRoux- this would be a "Let's Give Lash One More Cheap Win Going Into Havoc" match. This match is the worst match ever. Nothing notable to recap here, except that there's a 2-minute long resthold, an awful missed spot that has to be done over, the WORST SINGLE-ARMED DDT EVER by Vincent, and a repetition of the missed spot so that Lash can hit the Falcon Arrow for the win (5:54)
Time to call in the WCW Road Report...and then bang those hot chicks sitting by the pool
Mini-Me and Mr. T - I pity the fool who came up with this commercial
Blair Witch Project! Own it! Love it! Touch it! Make sweet love to it!
Penske Auto Center
10-10-321 - Ok, we better not see this commercial again
Mini-Me and Mr. T - yes, they WOULD show the same commercial within a two-minute span, why do you ask???
Video Package #4: Filthy Greasy Illegal Animals versus Harlem Heat and the Worst Family.
Harlem Heat v. Steven Regal & Dave Taylor (w/Fit Finlay)- Chain wrestling to start, with Booker T and Regal trading wristlocks and armbars. Now Regal off the ropes, and a shoulderblock sends T down. Regal off the ropes, T ducks, T jumps, and Regal tastes the ultra-cool Flying 4-Arm. T tags in Stevie Ray, double whip, double punch and Regal is down. Punches from Stevie, back elbow, and Regal is outside. Back in now, but Regal is scared of large black men and so tags in Dave Taylor. Stevie pummels Taylor, tags Booker T in, who meets Taylor with the Harlem Side-Kick. Cover, but Regal breaks it up. European Uppercut from Taylor, which is appropriate, since he's European. Taylor tosses Booker outside, where Finlay shows him what Black Irish is all about. T back in now, scoopslam by Taylor. Punch, tag to Regal, who measures T with a kick. Whip to the corner, but T jumps back over Regal--Booker Bottom! T tags in Stevie, but Fit punks him, that fruit-booty. Regal whips T, who kicks Regal to set up the Reeeeeeallllly Slow Axe-Kick. T makes the hot tag, and Stevie Ray cleans house, punches for both Limeys. Stevie tags in T, but now the Worst Family is in to screw up a perfectly acceptable match to set up for Halloween Havoc (DQ, 4:29)
Aaron's Rent-a-Car Center
Gauntlet Legends - Who's Your Daddy?
NAPA and Grizzly Adams
Another Halloween Havoc promo
Video Package #5: Sid is crazy, Goldberg is serious, yada yada yada
And now, we follow that, I shit you not, with Video Package #6. Is this Sunday Night Heat??? This package focuses on Goldberg and his gratuitous security forces.
Watch the Superstation!
Reginald VelJohnson: Pool Shark
Lowe's, Midas - buy their shit
OO7 kills people, bangs hot chicks
WCW Mayhem! Nerds NEVER score
Thunder paid for by the following: Slim Jim, Tough Talkin' Wrestlers, Tootsie Rolls, AOL, and Croissant Pockets.
Video Package #7: Brad Armstrong and Berlyn. "Speak English in America!" Watching this package has provided me with the answer to Jerry Lawler's question, 'What is shiz-nit?'
Kendall Windham (w/Cleavon Little) v. Brad Armstrong- oh yeah, we're gonna kick this shiz-nit Armstrong Style. Boot from Kendall, chop (whoo!), punch, whip to the opposite corner, but Kendall misses the followup. Armdrag by BA, followed by another (who does he think he is, Ricky Steamboat?), and now a 10 Punch Countalong stopped at 7 by a big atomic drop from Kendall. Lariat recover by BA. Takedown, armbar by Armstrong, full armdrag and twist, but a drop toe-hold counter from Kendall. Armbar by Kendall, full armdrag and twist, reversal by BA, who is distracted by Vincent and gets a boot to the face from Kendall. Punches from Kendall, and he kicks BA outside, where Virgil works him over. BA back in now, whip, lariat from Kendall, cover, 1, 2, no. Rear chinlock by Kendall. BA hulks up, but is knocked down. Cover, 1, 2, no. Another resthold ensues. This time BA hulks up but good, does his brother's Deion Dance, and now a flying forearm. Punches, whip, powerslam from BA. Vincent up on the apron now, low blow by Kendall while the ref is distracted. Ref bump, but Vincent misses Brad with his boot and hits Kendall. BA clocks Virgil, and now finishes Kendall with the Ubiquitous Side-Russian Leg Sweep. 1, 2, 3. (5:05)
Replay of what you just saw
Yo, where our dogs at? You know, somewhere, there is a kid who ACTUALLY owns the $60 Rey Fubu Jr. jersey AND the Konnan pennant. That is God's way of telling us that per-capita household income in America is too high for our own good.
You can't fool the clever Starburst clerk!
"House on Haunted Hill", not to be confused with the novel "The Haunting of Hill House" and the two versions of "The Haunting"
NHL Face-Off 2000 - those guys are so SMUG
10-10-321 - alright, somebody bean that kid in the head already
yet ANOTHER Halloween Havoc promo
That Greasy Little Shit Juventud Guerrera & Silver King v. Iron Chef Kaz Hayashi & Blitzkrieg- Fukui-san! Scott Hudson correctly points out that Silver King is NOT a cruiserweight. Juvy and Blitz in to start. 3-kick series by Blitz, and Juvy tags in Silver King, who misses a running seated drop kick. Stomps by Blitz, punches, whip, reversal, now Blitz is up on Silver King's neck, La Majistral, 1, 2, no! Kick, punch, whip, reversal, and Silver King lofts Blitzkrieg WAAAAY into the air so he can fall on his face. Ouch. Kick by King on a crawling Blitz. Standing somersault senton by Silver King!! Cover, 1, 2, no. King tags in Juvy, and Blitz tags in Kaz. Juvy bows to Kaz, who pushes Juvy's face away and proceeds to show him the proper form of bowing. But Juvy's a little shit, so he kicks Kaz while he's doing it. Juvy off the ropes, shoulderblock takes Kaz down. Juvy back and forth off the ropes, dueling hiptoss attempts, pickup by Kaz, Juvy flips, and a chop(whoo!) to Kaz. Chops are traded, and punches in bunches from Kaz. Juvy off the ropes, body scissors on Kaz, which is turned into a big ol' DDT by Juvy. Juvy takes Kaz to the corner for a 10 Punch Countalong. Juvy tags King in, kick to Kaz, chops and punches, whip, reversal, and Kaz catches Silver King with a spin kick. Blitz is in now, whips Silver King, catches him--Spinebuster! Blitz now with a camel clutch on Silver King. Kaz goes off the ropes, and takes a measured kick at the vulnerable Silver King. Chop by Blitz (whoo!), whip to the opposing corner, but Blitz runs into Silver King's boot. Seated drop kick by Silver King. Kaz in to try to stop Silver King's tag to Juvy. For the record, Blitz never really properly tagged in, but oh well. Kaz has one of King's legs, but King with the enziguiri! Blitz has King now, whip, reversal, King catches Blitz, airplane-spin face-drop! Silver King makes the tag, Juvy up on top, and his flying body press takes out BOTH Kaz and Blitz. Hoo-ah! Juvy with the 'rana on Blitz, chops for Kaz (whoo!), then Blitz, whip for Blitz, who does a NIFTY spinning escape from Juvy's hiptoss, now Blitz with a corkscrew kick--STANDING BICYCLE KICK! I LOVE it when Blitzkrieg does that. Yeah! Cover, 1, 2, no! Chinlock by Blitz. Juvy hulks up, off the ropes, sunset flip attempt, 1, 2, no. Running lariat by Blitzkrieg levels Juvy. And of course, since this is the LAST time we'll see a match like this on Thunder for awhile, we take a commercial break.......
Surge! Winterfresh! 1-800-CALL-ATT, yo G! Wolverine Boots! Fox NFL Sunday!
And we're back! Blitzkrieg in control, tags in Kaz, who goes up to the top turnbuckle, Blitz holds up Juvy, and Kaz knocks him across the ring with a missile dropkick! Stomps, slaps, and a loogey from Kaz. Eww. Kaz ties Juvy to the Tree 'O Woe, and Blitz puts the boots to him. Kaz has Juvy up, whips him, tiltawhirl backbreaker--wait, Kaz holds Juvy in the backbreaker while Blitz hits the Guillotine Legdrop from the top rope! Yeah! Great teamwork. Blitzkrieg covers, 1, 2, no. I guess we're using Lucha Libre rules here. Scoop and a slam by Blitz, springboard corkscrew senton!!! 1, 2, no! Whip by Blitz, but Juvy ducks the followup. Leg lariat from Juvy. Blitz holds Juvy from making the tag, now Blitz tags in Kaz, whips Juvy, who ducks Kaz's followup, ducks Blitz's lariat, but not Kaz's running clothesline. Double whip, Juvy with the body scissors on Blitz, grabs both men--double bulldog by Juvy! All three men now laid out. Juvy makes the hot tag, Silver King up on the top turnbuckle--Double Seated Missile Dropkick!!! Tiltawhirl by King on Kaz! Tiltawhirl on Blitz, but Blitz does a nifty escape, whip, reversal, blown spot covered well, now Silver King has Blitz up, another missed spot so Blitz does a sunset flip. 1, 2, no. Blitz with a whip, reversal--ANOTHER blown spot. Blitz off the ropes now, up on Silver King's shoulders, escape, Blitz goes for the piledriver, but Juvy catches him with the springboard crossbody. I believe that was the spot that was previously missed. Cover, 1, 2, no! Now Kaz has Juvy, suplexes Juvy from the apron out onto the floor! Yowza. King whips Blitz, who leaps onto King's shoulders...wait, off to the left of the camera--Kaz with a Moonsault from the apron onto Juvy! Silver King drops Blitz, Asai Moonsault, 1, 2, Kaz back in to break it up. Silver King with the gut-wrench on Blitzkrieg, but Kaz is up on the top turnbuckle--King turns so that Kaz's missile dropkick hits Blitz in the back. King still has Blitz up as both men are teetering over the ropes--Blitz turns it into a Frankensteiner on Silver King, off the apron and onto the concrete!! Meanwhile, Juvy hits a flying 'rana off the top ropes on Kaz! Greetings from Michinoku Driving Nail in the Coffin Park!1, 2, 3! (13:00) WOW. I don't generally believe in rating matches, but since this is probably the last of it's kind while Russo is in charge, I'll say that this is ****1/2. It would have been 5-stars without the missed spots and with a compelling angle. Best match I've seen in WCW all year, and a fitting end to the Lucha era in WCW.
"Timeshifters" - Catherine Bell--scha-WING
"The Bone Collector" - hmm I'll give Angelina Jolie a bone to collect
Jet Force Gemini-play it
Subway-eat it again
Shadow Man, the game, from Akklaim. Hey, isn't Shadow Man supposed to die in 1999?
Hollywood Hogan "Why I Rule the World", and "Nature Boy" Ric Flair, the new videos from Jason Hervey featuring never-before-seen-footage (like Flair going over Hogan, or Hogan doing a moonsault I guess)
Let Us Take You Back to Last Monday where Buff was the Stuff, sho Nuff. But Jeff Jarrett, to my everlasting delight, whacked him with a guitar.
Hell's Angel Rick Steiner v. La Parka- God, this is just depressing as hell, watching La Parka job to this useless piece of crap. This match is all the usual from Steiner: punches, stomps, stalling outside, restholds, and the Bulldog for the win. (2:38) But hey, La Parka got to MISS a drop kick, so I guess he should be happy, right? RIGHT?
Video Package #8: Benoit & Steiner
Chimp Channel - Because monkeys=comedy
WCW talkin' dolls
Croissant Pockets - if you're lame and watch the History Channel, you leared from Sam Waterston that Croissants are patterned after the Moslem crescent. If you can't beat the infidel, eat him.
Tootsie Rolls, Jolly Time Popcorn, Moen Faucetts, Tootsie Caramel Pops--buy this shit
Movie Lounge: "Thunderheart", honest injun
Ouija Board--talk to the devil, or dead relatives
Castrol GTX, Wendy's, NAPA, WCW Mayhem
Video Package #9: Sting versus Hogan. Shoot Sting, shoot! Shoot Sting, shoot!
Let Us Take You Back to Last Monday on Nitro where all kinds of shit that you've seen 10 times already on this show happened
Oh for the love of Christ, it's Video Package #10: Bret Hart versus the Total Package.
Winterfresh, NAPA, and N64
"Sleeping With The Enemy", the story of Nitro Girl Whyspyr
WCW Grip-n-Flip Wrestlers
And now, for our Main Event:The Anabolic Package (w/Liz and her two friends) v. Buff is the Stuff, sho Nuff (sans entrance) - If you were to guess that there was not a SINGLE GODDAMNED wrestling maneuver in this match, you would be ALMOST CORRECT. There was a rear chinlock. That's it. Everything else was punches and stomps from Luger, lot's of stupid shit outside, more punches, Buff might goes to the top, but Liz trips him, and Luger racks him. (submission, 7:16)
Well, this show was a perfect example of the pleasure-pain principle. Unfortunately, there was much more of the latter than there was of the former. Lots of shit and a possible Match of the Year. And if they're going to have10 video packages every week, why watch Nitro?
Aloha means goodbye.Justin Jones
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