I Get Letters: ....well, actually, no, I don't.

We move right into our first match of the evening: That Greasy Little Shit Juventud Guerrero v. Evan Cornrows Karagias -- Lockup, side headlock by Juvy, off the ropes, shoulderblock, Karagias is down. Juvy off the ropes again, Karagias leaps, Juvy back, hiptoss by Evan. Karagias with a followup dropkick, but Juvy sidesteps. Juvy off the ropes, flying head-scissors takeover. Chop(whoo!) by Juvy, whips Karagias into the opposite corner, but Juvy misses the followup splash. Stomps by Karagias, now a 10 Punch Countalong(tm). Karagias with a chop (whoo!), stomp, whip, Juvy off the ropes, but Juvy catches Evan with a body-scissors into a DDT. Suplex attempt by Juvy, blocked, again, now Karagias hits his own vertical suplex. Cover, 1, 2, no. Whip by Karagias, running lariat sends Juvy down. Karagias sets up for the piledriver, but Juvy takes him down, now with a headbutt to the 'nads. Kicks by Juvy. Crowd chant: "Juvy sucks! Juvy sucks!" Whip by Juvy, Karagias off the ropes, and is met with a dropkick. As Juvy motions for the Michinoku Greetings from Juvi Park Driver, Karagias makes a comeback...but it is all for naught, as El Sid is coming down the ramp to chew time, scenery, and wrestling matches. Sid says that he is "undefeated", and that he has a "message". He says he beat Goldberg at Havoc, and offers an open invitation to anyone in the back, and if they accept, he'll "cripple" them. This, naturally, brings out Chris Benoit: "Did someone say the word 'cripple'?" Benoit tells Sid to find out what "silent but violent" is all about. Sid now shakes hands with both Juvy and Karagias, trying to fool us into thinking that he isn't going to, in fact, powerbomb them. But as surely as the driven snow returns in the winter, and men flock to play softball with safety scissors in the spring, Sid does, in fact, powerbomb them. No bell was rung to sound the end of the match, so (no contest?)

Gene Mean works tonight, and interviews the Maestro, who has a really neat gimmick, but, unfortunately, does not have the interview skills to match.

We are now in the back of the Cox Arena, where we see Chavo Guerrero Jr not only WALKING, but he is also calling out Goldberg, whom Tenay tells us is in Hollywood shooting a film. Chavo is apparently looking for "TV time" Nudge nudge, wink wink

The Maestro ( w/ tiny bubbles) v. Prince Nakimaki ( w/ shoes and shorts) -- Larry: "We've got a piano player and a drummer." Let me note for the record that the Maestro's entrance is very cool. Lunge by the Prince, but Maestro sidesteps. As Maestro preens to the booing crowd, the Prince hits him with a dropkick. Side headlock into a takeover by the Prince, but Maestro counters with a headlock of his own. Prince does a handspring to his feet. Chain wrestling ensues, featuring dueling armdrags and arm twists, reversals, the Prince sweeps Maestro's leg, but Maestro catches the Prince with a kick from his back. Both men up now, lockup, side headlock by Maestro takes the Prince into the corner, then a back elbow when the ref isn't looking, because Maestro is a HEEL. Punch by Maestro, European Uppercut, which is funny, since Maestro is not to my knowledge European. Now stomps from the Maestro. While he preens, the Prince is back up, and comes back with a flurry of punches, kicks, and stomps in the corner. Maestro now does the Flair Beg For Mercy(tm), but the Prince is stupid and eats turnbuckle for his trouble. Maestro now with the whip, punches the Prince in the corner, snapmare takeover into a rear chinlock, and a mouth pull. Whip by Maestro, the Prince ducks and meets Maestro with a slap. Chop(whoo!) sends Maestro to the floor. Another chop does the same. Maestro off the ropes, Prince hits a dropkick. Whip by the Prince, high back body drop. Cover, 1, 2, no. Whip by the Prince, goes for the back body drop again, but Maestro meets him with a knee lift. Now Maestro is on the prone Prince, and applies an STF, and it's over (submission, 3:01) My Personal Pet Peeve #273 is violated when Tenay tells us that there is a stupid name for the Maestro's STF finisher: "The Encore"

Backstage, it's Perry Saturn, Dean Malenko, and Dr. Fatass Shane Douglas....and they're...STROLLING

Now we have a tag match: Perry Saturn & Dean Malenko ( w/ Dr. Fatass Shane Douglas) v. Let Us Take You Back To Last Monday On Nitro where Torrie was kidnapped, and all sorts of crap happened. Oh for the love of Christ, keep the mic away from Malenko

Perry Saturn & Stinko Malenko v. Silver King & El Dandy -- King and Dandy rush the ring to start, and it's a schmoz. Saturn and Malenko quickly clear the ring. King is back in with Saturn to start, King with a missed dropkick, whipped, and catches Saturn with a DDT. Tag to Dandy, double whip, double drop toe hold, and now both men come off the ropes in opposite directions to simultaneously kick Saturn. Cool. Dandy tags King back in. Whip, reversal by Saturn, Malenko gives King a knee through the ropes, and Saturn hits him with a superkick. Saturn tags in Malenko, whips Silver King, drop toe hold, and Malenko meets King's head with a seated dropkick. Malenko spits on Silver King , like, 79 times, 'cause he's a HEEL. Malenko whips King, off the ropes, leg lariat. Malenko tags in Saturn, holds Silver King across his leg in the backbreaker position, and Saturn comes off the top rope with a WICKED kneedrop to Silver King's head. Wow. Saturn covers, 1, 2, King has the ropes. Belly-to-back suplex by Saturn, then sends him out to get worked over, and Malenko sends King back in. Malenko tags in, and as Saturn holds Silver King up for a vertical suplex, Malenko comes off the top rope to slam him down. Nice tag team action here. Cover, 1, 2, no. Jeez, people will kick out of ANYTHING anymore. Stomp by Malenko, snapmare, and applies pressure with his foot to Silver King's throat as he tags in Saturn. Whip by Malenko, but Silver King kicks him on the rebound. Scoop slam by King, and tags in El Dandy. Dandy with the seated missile dropkick from the top! Now Saturn is in, Dandy ducks his punch and SLAPS the taste out of his mouth. Cool! Saturn rolls out onto the floor, but King hits the pescado! Dandy hasa Malenko out, but Malenko sidesteps the baseball slide, blocks Dandy's punch, kicks the 'nads, Dr. Fatass tosses Malenko a chain from the announce table, and Malenko wallops Dandy with the chain before tossing it back. Malenko has Dandy inside the ring, applies the Texas Cloverleaf, and it's done (submission, 4:21)

Chavo's backstage, and he's.....YELLING (for Goldberg)

Gene Mean interviews Booker T. & Stevie Ray. Hmm, the censors bleeped "fruit bootie". I am not pleased.

The Revolution is in the parking lot, and they're...they're....STRIDING

Gene Mean interviews Cleavon Little. Virgil apparently thinks that Curt Hennig's first name is "Kirk"

Stevie Ray ( w/ Booker T.) v. Cleavon Little -- as you might expect, this match was a ***** classic. Even right down to Vincent beating Stevie Ray with his gay white boot, then looking like an idiot while trying to put the boot back on. YOU DON'T PUT THE BOOT BACK ON!!!! Booker T. comes in to hit Virgil with the Harlem Sidekick, Stevie Ray hits the Pedi-jack, 1, 2, 3. (3:27)

The Greasy Animals are backstage, and they're....SAUNTERING

Eddy Guerrero, Kidman, & Konnan By Crom ( w/ San Diego Padres Hit King Tony Gwynn...err, Rey Mysterio Jr) v. Steven Regal, Dave Taylor, & Chris Adams -- The Greasy Animals come out first and take turns running down the Revolution. Why didn't they do this in an interview backstage? Is it really appropriate when you're in the ring, waiting for your opponents? Anyway, Eddy and Taylor are in to start. Eddy misses a dropkick, and Taylor hits him with the European Uppercut, which is entirely appropriate, because he's European. Another uppercut, then a snapmare by Taylor. Mini-head-scissors by Taylor, and then another. Whip by Taylor, Eddy off the ropes, Taylor hoists him up into the air, and Eddy does a push-off dropkick and a handspring to his feet. Taylor tags in Chris Adams, and Eddy tags in Konnan. Lockup, full armdrag and twist by Adams, reversal by Konnan, Adams does a front-flip escape, Konnan kicks his gut, whip, tumbling clothesline. Ugh, it's depressing to watch Adams have to act like an idiot to sell Konnan's crap. Sigh. Finally, Adams gets a headlock and tags in Regal, who kicks Konnan, hits an entirely appropriate European Uppercut, 4-arm shivers Konnan into a corner where he can tag in Kidman. Kidman and Regal trade headlocks, a whip, and Regal wins the shoulderblock battle. Whip, off the ropes, back n forth, Kidman tries a hip toss, Regal with a full armdrag and twist, double-underhook powerbomb--but Kidman holds on and flips Regal over! YOU CAN'T EVEN UNORTHODOX-POWERBOMB KIDMAN!! Kidman kicks him, now hops up on his shoulders, but Regal hotshots him. Taylor tags in, and an appropriate European Uppercut sends Kidman flying. High vertical suplex by Dave Taylor. Elbow, then stomps form Taylor. Adams tags in, standing side kick to Kidman's midsection. Adams tries to powerbomb/piledrive Kidman, but it's blocked, and both men struggle, Kidman with his head between Adams' legs, until Adams works back to his corner to tag in Regal. Regal works over Kidman, hits an appropriate European Uppercut, whip, reversal, but Regal catches Kidman with a back elbow. Adams tags in, stomps and punches to Kidman. He goes up to the top turnbuckle, but Kidman avoids the flying clothesline. Adams tags in Taylor, while Kidman tags in Eddy. Eddy's a house afire, clobbering everyone in sight. Kidman hits a pescado on Regal, and it's a schmoz. Eddy hits the vertical suplex on Taylor, climbs to the top, hits the Frog Splash, 1, 2, 3. (4:36) The Greasy Animals continue their tradition of looting.

Chavo is on his cell-phone, and he's...he's...CALLING

Gene Mean interviews Berlyn. "Berlyn's plan is already in effect. One day, you will serve Berlyn!" It's a cook book!!!!!!!!!!!!

The Insufferable Lash LeRoux v. Chavo Guerrero Jr. -- Chavo calls out Goldberg again, but LeRoux punks him out from behind. Scoop slam, elbow by Lash. Wind up punch by Lash, gay-as-hell leg-split, but Lash misses another punch. Whip, dueling hiptosses, 'rana by Chavo. Chavo ducks Lash's punch, and hits a high belly-to-back suplex. Cover, 1, 2, no. Chop(whoo!) by Chavo. European Uppercut by Chavo, which is weird, 'cause he ain't European. Snapmare, rear chinlock. Chavo with punches in bunches, but Lash hits the jawbreaker. Whip by Lash, mediocre backbreaker. Cover, 1, 2, no. Vertical suplex attempt by Lash, reversed into a victory roll by Chavo, 1, 2, no! Whip by Chavo, clothesline sends Lash down. Chavo has him in the corner, stomping and choking. Chavo whips Lash into the opposite corner, but misses the followup. Lash with the cradle, 1, 2, no. 4-arm by Lash sends Chavo down. Cover, 1, 2, no. Snapmare by Lash, rear chinlock. Chavo hulks up, off the ropes, but Lash's knee catches him. Now Lash with a nostril pull. Stomps, slam, elbow from Lash. Cover, 1, 2, no. Whip, Chavo off the ropes, Lash holds him up, and Chavo does the same push-off dropkick that Uncle Eddy did earlier in the show. Whip by Chavo, Lash off the ropes, back elbow. Cover, 1, 2, no. Chavo goes for a scoop, Lash reverses into a rear waistlock into a belly-to-belly, 1, 2, no. European Uppercut by Lash, but he only WISHES he were European. Whip, reversal, Lash to the opposite corner, Chavo hits the followup. Chop(whoo!) and another by Chavo. Whip by Chavo to the opposite corner, another, Lash on his knees, and screws up a hotshot of Chavo. Lash scoops Chavo, hits the Falcon Arrow, 1, 2, 3. (5:09)

Kidman and Konnan are watching Buff Bagwell & Scotty Riggs through a camera....ewwwwww

A limo pulls into the Cox Arena...chicks file out, followed by Ernest the Pimp Miller

If Berlyn Is Wrong, I Don't Wanna Be Wright ( mit ShutzStaffeln) v. Lightnin' Foot Jerry Flynn ( w/ Jimmy Hart) -- Berlyn punks out Flynn before he's ready, stomps and punches, La Majistral-doesn't get a one count. Full armdrag and twist with elbows by Berlyn, now an arm wringer, reversed by Flynn, full armdrag and twist with a superkick. Cool. Arm wringer by Flynn, backspring escape by Berlyn, now with a backspring thrust kick into Flynn's face. Flynn off the ropes, Berlyn hits the footspring to Flynn's midsection to send him across the ring. Flynn off the ropes right into Berlyn's dropkick. Berlyn stands on Flynn's 4-head, cover, 1, 2, no. Two European Uppercuts by Berlyn, who is, of course, European. Whip, catches Flynn with a leg lariat. Berlyn casually lays across Flynn for the cover, 1, 2, no. Berlyn whips Flynn to the opposite corner, hits the elbow, stomps and a chop (whoo!). Belly-to-back by Berlyn. Cover, 1, 2, no. Scoop slam, Berlyn off the ropes, Flynn ducks the lariat, hotshot for Berlyn, and Flynn does a REAL legsweep that sends Berlyn to the mat. Flynn with punches in bunches, but Berlyn counters with the eyepoke. Punches by Berlyn, whip, but Flynn catches him with a back kick to the midsection. Flynn now with a spinning back kick. Now Flynn applies the full leg extension foot-choke. Lightning kicks to Berlyn in the corner. Flynn distracts the ref, Hart now up on the apron, but Der SchutzStaffeln takes him down. Flynn now choking Berlyn, who avoids the running axe-kick. Der SS clocks Flynn, Berlyn covers, 1, 2, 3. (3:55) Stomps aplenty from Berlyn afterwards.

Chavo is still calling out Goldberg, when El Sid happens along to give him a chokeslam for his troubles

Ernest the Pimp Miller ( w/ three hos) is out. Larry offers to take the short ho in the middle. The Cat says he's gonna win the Tourney. Uh huh.

Buff Bagwell is backstage, and he's...he's....TRAVERSING

Gene Mean interviews Chris Benoit. "Sid's ego has been writin' a lot of checks that his ability will never be able to cash." Amen, eh.

Buff is the Stuff Sho Nuff v. Scotty Riggs in a Loser Remains an American Male Match -- First, Let Us Take You Back To Last Monday Nitro where we find out that Buff is "smart". You know, as opposed to a "mark". This match is ALL restholds, until we get the Buff Blockbuster. If you want to read my review of a better version of this same match, go here. (4:20)

Chris Benoit is *yawn* walking

Sid is walking too.

It's Main Event Time: El Sid ( w/ spontaneous laughter ) v. Chris Benoit -- Lockup, Sid powers Benoit, repeat. Big boot and stomps from Sid. Whip by Sid, clothesline sends Benoit down. Punch, punch, Sid sets Benoit on the top turnbuckle and turns his back to preen to the crowd--Benoit hits him with a seated missile dropkick. Cover, 1, 2, no. Benoit sells Sid's kickout all the way to the floor. Sid works him over outside, sends him back in, but Benoit hits a dropkick to Sid's knee as he comes back in, and Sid remembers to sell. Benoit lands his butt on Sid's knee a couple of times, then a stomp to Sid's head. Benoit goes for the Figure 4, but Sid boots him away. Sid chucks Benoit outside again, gives him a hotshot on the rail, works him over, throws him back in the ring. Cover, 1, 2, no. Side headlock by Sid, into a slam. Cover, 1, 2, no. Sid chokes Benoit in the corner, chokes him on the ropes, and gives him clubbing blows to the chest. Sid with a running boot into Benoit. Benoit comes back now, with kicks and punches, whip, reversal, Benoit meets the big boot to the face. Eye gauge by Sid, kicks, and now Sid has the Camel Clutch on Benoit but breaks it. Scoop, backbreaker. Cover, 1, 2, no. Scoop, front slam by Sid. Cover, 1, 2, no. Benoit just won't give up. Whip by Sid, Benoit ducks, behind Sid--German Suplex!! Thumb across the neck!!! Benoit gets up on the top turnbuckle...Diving Headbutt--misses!! Sid rolled out of the way. Both men down, and Benoit crawls over to get Sid in the Crippler Crossface! But just as Benoit is about to get a clean win over Sid, here come Perry Saturn and Stinko Malenko to screwjob this match. (DQ, 7:22) Sid pastes both Saturn and Malenko, and then Benoit for good measure.